Original subtitles

(SERENE FLUTE MUSIC)

- 'Once upon a time, owning a home was kind of middle-class.

'Now it's practically aristocracy.'

My very own home. Fully paid off.

I'm now part of the middle class that the politicians actually care about.

And it's all thanks to you, Henry. - You're welcome.

- Hope this doesn't make you feel weird � you know, me owning a home, having a real career.

You, less so.

- Uh� I'm proud of my proletariat roots.

You're looking at someone who rose above the pompous legal industry

to become but a humble artist.

By definition, I'm already part of the much cooler petite bourgeoisie.

- Are you now? - Yeah.

Only now that I finally sold a book, I don't have to be ashamed of it.

- In my dream home, I'm gonna lock you in a writing room.

- Oh, will you now? - Yeah.

Can't have you driving me nuts when you read out your work in progress for the hundredth time.

- I thought you said it was cute.

- I exaggerate. - Hmm.

Well, exaggerate more.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Excuse me.

Could you get off the furniture, please? It's just for looks.

Right this way, guys. (CHATTER)

(RAPPING AT WINDOW)

- (SPEAKS MANDARIN)

(BOTH SIGH) - Also, can we get a moat to keep our parents out?

- Yep. - Thank God.

'A moat to keep the parents out? (CHUCKLES) Now that's real aristocracy.'

- I said get off the furniture, please. - (SIGHS)

(LO-FI HIP-HOP MUSIC)

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025

- So...

where exactly is this inheritance coming from? - Just my great-grandfather.

- And you have to get pregnant to access it?

- Yeah, before I turn 35, or it lapses.

- Why? - Oh, I think it was an insurance policy to continue his bloodline.

His daughter from his second marriage didn't have any children,

and I reckon this is his way of throwing her some shade.

- His daughter from a second marriage?

- Yeah. My grand-step-aunt Kitty. She's the one who runs the estate.

- Oh, look. - WHISPERS: Aiya.

- That's who my dad is talking to now.

- (SPEAKS MANDARIN)

(SPEAKS MANDARIN) Huh? (CHUCKLES)

- I'm surprised she's so chill about it. - Yeah. Me too.

When Mandy and Vaughn had Yoel, she seemed genuinely delighted to be buying them a house �

and then they sold it to fund his stupid keto app in LA.

- TOGETHER: Idiots.

- Aiya. (SPEAKS MANDARIN)

- (SIGHS) Just when I was warming to this place.

Hey, do you want to raid their skincare cabinet?

- Hard pass. - (SCOFFS) I'll be back.

- Aw! What the hell?

- (SIGHS)

(DOOR SLIDES OPEN)

- Gotcha. - Mandy, why the hell are you here?

It's fake, the pregnancy. I know it's fake. I overheard you and Henry at karaoke.

There is no baby.

- Huh? - Nice try. You can't just feign ignorance, Melissa.

Who's Feign? Why is he ignorant? - Melissa. I know your secret, OK?

Deflect all you want, but if you want me to keep it, then I want to be paid.

- You know... (CLEARS THROAT) you really shouldn't go around making up gossip about pregnant people.

It's undignified, Mandy. - You're not pregnant. I heard you.

- And what? You think I'm just gonna corroborate this insane story when you, uh� tell Mum?

Or do you have proof?

You see, you don't get paid for knowing a secret, Mandy.

You get paid for getting proof of a secret and then leveraging it,

because otherwise you sound like an unhinged conspiracy theorist �

i.e. Vaughn.

- How dare you! He's reformed.

- (SCOFFS)

- Melissa, please.

We're broke.

I can help you fake it. We'd make an incredible team.

Put me on your payroll.

- It's a real pregnancy, and I don't negotiate with terrorists.

- Ow.

(TAPE SNAPS)

- READS: 'And then... it dawned on Harry.

'If the birth of the universe could be understood by rewinding time,

'couldn't time itself be revealed by fast-forwarding to the very end,

'as the universe takes its last breath

'on its inexorable march towards heat death and maximum entropy?

'"Yes, it could," said Harry,

'and to the end he must go.'

Chapter five.

- (INHALES) - Yeah.

- I mean, I don't� I don't get it, but I love all the words. - Mm!

So, what � are you, like a... you're, like, a sci-fi writer, eh? That� That is so cool, bro.

Um� how much you make? How much you make for this?

- Uh� 50K.

- What? What?! - Well, it's only enough to last me till I finish the book.

50K? True... Man, maybe I could be a sci-fi writer.

- (CLEARS THROAT) Hello � well, um� you know, my books are always open to new talent.

But be warned, if your first book doesn't sell 100,000 copies, it's a flop, and you're cancelled,

so, you in? You still want to do it?

- I'm out. - Dammit. - Yeah.

- Oh, well � guess I'm just stuck with just you, my friend,

and you better not flop. (DOOR OPENS)

- Henry! - Melissa, you don't think my book's gonna flop, do you?

- What? (SCOFFS) I don't read nerdy sci-fi.

- What? - No offence. - None taken. It's fine.

- Change of plans. Mandy knows.

- What? - What?

- She knows, OK? Everything. Come on. we've got to act fast! - Uh� O-OK.

(DOOR SLAMS) - (GIVES MUFFLED SALES PATTER)

- Oh� - Come on, hurry up.

- Wait. Don't rush me. - OK.

(GASPS)

- (STAMMERS) All right. All right. Here we go, here we go.

(ZIPPER UNZIPS) - All right, it's up, it's up. All right�

- Hold on. There's got to be a better plan than this. - Oh, thank God.

- Excuse me?! - What?

I just never thought these would be the circumstances I get someone pregnant, OK?

- More like the only circumstance. - (GASPS)

- Aha! - (GASPS)

- Busted! - Oh, jeez! - Mandy, what the hell? Get out!

- I just heard you were talking about getting you pregnant.

- No, I-I was�

I was simply stating how much I enjoy having sex with...

pregnant women.

- Ew! - Ooh, yuck!

- I started the sentence � I had to finish it.

- And you call yourself a writer? Mandy, you've got nothing.

So unless you're going to snitch on us for getting it on,

I'm sure Mum and Dad would love to know about Henry's little kink.

- WHISPERS: Mel.

- SPUTTERS: D'ooh, I hate you!

- Come on. We better think of something else. - Oh...

SIGHS: Oh...

- We love it. We want to make an offer.

- All true, but I'm sure our mums would love this place, because...

because...

- (STAMMERS) Um... unusually low ceilings.

- And the driveway's real big.

- So it's� Yeah, that too. - It's real, like, girthy.

- This place is in zone for some incredible schools.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

- (CHUCKLES) I take it back.

You're the greatest writer I've ever known.

- Hmm.

- GASPS: Yay, exciting! Let's get Mum on the phone.

(LINE RINGS OUTSIDE) OK.

Hi, Mum! - OTHERS: Hi!

- We found a house we want to buy. - Good house.

- It is. It's great.

(LINE RINGS) - Hey.

- Wait � what?

- (LAUGHS) - WHISPERS: Bank statement? - Don't worry about it.

(TEXT ALERT CHIMES)

- Oh, oh.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Um... (CHUCKLES)

I thought the inheritance from Grand-Step-Aunt Kitty

was paying for all this.

- Why not? - Oh my God. - Melissa �

- Both of us?

- KITTY OVER PHONE:

- Great.

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT R & B MUSIC)

(DOG BARKS)

(CAR REVERSES)

(HORN TOOTS, CAR DRIVES OFF)

- What the hell? A joint mortgage?

How did you not know the money was coming from China? - I knew!

- What? - I thought the rules were bendy.

- (SCOFFS) - Mandy got hers all at once.

How was I supposed to know it was different now?

What am I � like, the chief business correspondent of Reuters?

- Oh my God. - (SIGHS) This is bad.

- (SCOFFS) Yeah, no shit. - No, I mean, this is bad, Henry, OK?

I only just started my dermatology practice.

Why does your car smell like cheese?

When my parents find out I can't afford this mortgage, they'll never let me live it down.

They'll make me go back to working shifts at the hospital.

The hospital, Henry.

- Well, what about me? I just got my first book advance,

and now my parents are gonna make me use it to boost your deposit

and then send me back into law to support our fake family.

- So � what should we do? - We gotta give it up.

Look. Best-case scenario, we get 50K out of Aunt Kitty before the truth comes out.

Worst case, a miracle happens and we're stuck with a 30-year joint mortgage we can't afford,

because Aunt Kitty's going to stop paying for it in nine months when she realises there's no baby.

- I guess you're right.

- Well� - I mean...

- Come on, I just won one.

- Look, I know I'm just a humble Uber driver that charmed his way into this friend group�

By the way, thank you so much for being so cool about that�

- (DEMURS) - Questionable. - ...but hear me out.

Let's say Melissa did take the 50K from Aunt Kitty before the truth comes out.

Isn't that enough for a down payment for, like, a tiny studio apartment that you can actually afford?

- Yes, you could. And you're so, so, so, so close, it's practically a miracle.

Look, I've been living in my dad's caravan the last three years,

so I need to believe that home ownership is actually possible �

even if it is by some kind of quasi-legal deception.

- Jen. - Think about it. Everyone talks a big game about eating the rich,

and then when it's served to them on a platter, they choke.

Justice waits for no one. You have to take it.

- Jen.

We're two entitled middle-class kids trying to swindle money from our family.

It's hardly revolutionary.

- Ah. All revolutions were started by entitled middle-class kids with access to family money.

Hear me out. Che Guevara, Jean-Paul Marat, Alexander Hamilton �

were any of those people working in factories?

- That's true. I've seen the musical. - Right?

- And I've seen Les Mis. And I think that tracks.

- Yes. - Yeah, that's the one with the cats, eh?

- (CLICKS TONGUE) - OK, well, I still think it tracks.

- See? Come on. At least, like, give it a try.

- (SIGHS)

Fine.

What do we have to do?

- Leave it with me.

(INTREPID GUITAR MUSIC)

(URGENT KNOCKING AT DOOR) - STAMMERS: Oh, wait�

What? - Melissa? Melissa?

- Ahem. Whoa.

- Is Melissa here? - Uh� who? What? Uh� no, I am just filling in for her.

Was� was there a problem? - It's Yoel. He's got a birthday party in 10,

and he's Sharpie'd his entire face like a trash panda.

- I'm a trash panda. - Wow. Yes, you are. Hello.

- It's a panda-themed party.

If he shows up like this, the other mums will think that he's trying to steal the spotlight,

and I cannot afford to lose any more friends this way.

Can you help? - Yes, of course. You look great!

- SING-SONGY: Panda, panda, panda.

Pa-pa-pa-pa, panda.

- OK, if I was the evidence of a fake pregnancy, where would I...

WHISPERS: Huh. Bingo.

(STEALTHY MUSIC)

(PRINTER WHIRRS)

- WHISPERS: There. That should do it.

- And you're sure this'll work? - No. That's why I said 'should', and not 'definitely will'.

(DOOR SLAMS) - Gotcha!

(PAPER RUSTLES)

- What the hell's that? - You wanted proof? Checkmate.

I have 20 more printouts and a digital copy.

Here's the deal. Vaughn's got a plan to get all of the inheritance money out of China at once.

I want a cut, and I want a big one.

- Vaughn?

Isn't he the reason you're broke in the first place? What are you? An idiot?

- (SCOFFS) I know you are, but what am I (?)

- An idiot. - You take that back.

- Nope � because you're an idiot! - No, you're an idiot!

(BOTH EXCLAIM, YELP)

- Aargh! Get off me!

- HISSES: The broker is here, and everyone can hear you.

- Mandy stole from my office! - Melissa won't give me any of your money!

- OK, I didn't catch any of that, but I'm assuming she has proof, and you want money?

- BOTH: Yes.

- Well, if either of you come clean now, there'll be no money for anyone!

So can we all just dial it back until the broker comes through with the money first?

Is that a yes?

- BOTH: Fine!

(LIQUID TRICKLES)

- Xiexie.

- So � what do you think? - CHUCKLES: Well...

this is a mess.

- PARENTS: What?!

- Yeah... I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it.

There is no way Melissa and Henry can afford that house you saw earlier.

- But how is that possible? - Melissa?

- I've been trying to tell you. It's a new business, and we are slowly creeping into profit.

- What about Henry? He just got a $50,000 book advance.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah. - Yeah...

no...

unless there's another 50K coming in the following year.

- (LAUGHS WRYLY) Yeah, that'd be nice.

- Well, um... (CHUCKLES) - No? Didn't think so.

But looking at the projections that Dave has prepared,

maybe Melissa could afford a tiny,

tiny one-bedroom studio apartment on her own

when the 50K from her grand... step-aunt comes through.

- Perfect. That's perfect. (CHUCKLES) A tiny one-bedroom studio's all I need.

- Melissa.

- (SLURPS)

- Uh� how is this all my fault?

(OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS)

- STOP!

I have an idea.

Vaughn here � a business mastermind and the love of my life � has been listening in,

and he thinks he's found a way for Henry and Melissa to secure their dream home after all.

Honey... take it away.

- Hold that for me, Henry.

(THUD!)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Kia ora, fam.

Have a seat, mate. Get comfy, get comfy. Good show about to start.

So � what if I was to tell you

that Grand-Step-Aunt Kitty could move all of Melissa's inheritance to New Zealand in one go

if she was to take a majority shareholding

in a promising AR-powered

fact-checking app called...

(DRUMROLLS) (TEA SET RATTLES)

...Conspiracy Not Conspiracy.

- Wait, what? - Conspiracy Not Conspiracy.

- Brother, Conspiracy � Not Conspiracy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC CRESCENDOS)

(DETERMINED SYNTH MUSIC)

Debt.

(DETERMINED SYNTH MUSIC CONTINUES)

Tax exemption.

So then, if it was called a subsidiary holding,

debt and equity's swapped... No one will find out.

Shh...

Divvy it up, and then we put this money here �

then it's easy to swap around. It's simple, really.

I don't know how youse haven't figured this out before.

You keeping up? You with me?

Subsidiary holdings... ...negative gearing...

(OVERLAPPING BUSINESS JARGON)

Phew.

(MUSIC ENDS)

And then we're going to pull all the money from China, put it into my business account,

and take Henry and Melissa on as our employees.

- For a small but reasonable commission.

- Any questions?

- Pfft. No chance.

- (CONTINUES SLOW-CLAPPING)

Masterful. - What?

- Absolutely brilliant.

- You think that would work?

- Do I think that'll work? I wanna work for this guy.

- Hit me up, brother. Any time.

- Any time? - Any time.

- OK.

(PARENTS APPLAUD)

- Henry, Melissa!

(CHUCKLES)

(EDGY HIP-HOP MUSIC)

- Okey-dokey. - CHUCKLES: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Can we just pump the brakes just for one second here � cos is any of this even legal?

- A-And I-I think we're all really underrating

this, uh� tiny one-bedroom studio idea for Melissa.

- It's so much neater. - Yeah, exactly.

And� and, you know, this all sounds very stressful.

- SIGHS: Oh... - I mean, is now the best time to be adding more stress to Melissa?

She's having a baby.

- Yeah, and we really appreciate that.

But, uh� refinancing your home, setting up offshore accounts, becoming Vaughn's employee�

I think we should just take a hot minute

before we marry our two families' finances together like this.

Right, Henry? - Uh� yeah. (STAMMERS) Exactly.

I mean, that would be kind of crazy, right?

Especially since you and I aren't even married yet, right? - Right.

(BOTH LAUGH AIRILY)

(THEIR LAUGHTER DIES)

- Oh my God.

Are you two saying that you're getting cold feet?

- BOTH: What?

- Well, it just seems to me like the only reason anyone would be so resistant

to such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity would be because...

I don't know, maybe they're starting to freak out about the realities of starting a family.

- Henry and Melissa!

- What? - No!

- Henry and Melissa.

- We know that. We're just� - Melissa.

- Oh my God!

- How was that? Are they all good? - JEN: Hmm?

- Oh wow. - I think she's fine.

- No, no, no � I did a� I did a first-aid course once. I'm pretty sure she's about to pass out.

- I can't do this any more. - Eh?

- We're in over our heads. I'm pulling the plug.

- WHISPERS: Shit. - Everyone, I have an announcement!

- Melissa � no.

- There is no baby.

- Aargh!

What? (MIGHTY CLATTER OVER PHONE)

- (WHEEZES DESPERATELY)

- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Is she gonna die?

- I don't know, I don't know! All I saw on screen was her maid panicking around her.

- What if I killed her?

Well, don't pause! You're supposed to jump in and say, 'Of course not, don't be stupid!'

- OK, of course not! I'm freaking out, OK?

Look, at worst, you were a contributing factor.

- I'm a contributing factor?

- You're a contributing factor! - How am I a contributing factor?

- None of this would have happened if you just kept your stupid mouth shut about your stupid plan!

- I was trying to get us everything. - Oh, by putting all the money into your company and making us employees?

- Yes, what is wrong with that?

(DOOR BANGS) - WHISPERS: Hey.

She's awake. - Oh, thank God.

OK, come on, it's time to end this once and for all.

- Whoa. You can't do that.

- Mandy. Forget about the money. It is over.

- It's not about the money. If you come clean now, you could kill her.

- Look, I'm sorry, I got greedy, OK? I'll drop the plan,

but she's clearly frail, and we nearly killed her with all this commotion.

So if you go out there right now and you tell her that there's no baby, we will all have blood on our hands.

- (GIVES MUFFLED SCREAM)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES) - Come on.

Aunt Kitty, uh...

Aunt Kitty,

are you OK?

- Uh� well, um...

uh, what I meant was...

- Uh� what she was trying to say was that there is no baby...

yet.

(PARENTS EXCLAIM, GASP) Right?

- Hmm?

- Yep. - Yep. - You see?

We all just misunderstood.

Um� because there is no baby yet, there is no need for such a big house yet.

And a tiny studio is just fine.

- Hmm? - (SIGHS)

- I'm sorry, Melissa.

I... (SNIFFLES) I just got carried away, and...

I... It's all my fault.

- KITTY OVER PHONE:

(MELANCHOLY HARP MUSIC)

- Uh� um...

it's fine, Aunt Kitty. I mean, as long as... you're OK.

- BROKER: Hi. Hi. Sor� Sorry, everyone.

Sorry to interrupt this really sweet, intimate family moment,

but, um... does this mean we're back to getting Melissa into a tiny, minuscule studio apartment?

- (SIGHS)

- I'd really like to just get things moving, cos I've been here for a really long time.

- Mum, Dad, I'm getting on the property ladder. Have some perspective.

- (SIGHS DEEPLY) - It will be better. - How?

- Because...

Because...

- Uh... (STAMMERS)

Uh� because we� we don't have to move out.

- Huh? - Huh? - What?

- Uh, I-I mean we� we don't have to� - Oh yeah, no, Henry's right. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, just because we're having a baby doesn't mean that we have to move out, right?

I mean, we can still live together as an extended family,

and then the studio will be an investment property

for our child when they grow up. - Mm.

- I mean... (CHUCKLES) what could be more Chinese than that?

- Sorry. It just came out.

- Just promise me you won't let me suggest getting pregnant for real to get out of this.

- What? - Just promise.

- OK. I promise.

- Good.

- # But now it's time to tell...

- I guess this is what it takes to become an aristocrat these days.

- # I wanna ring your bell.

- # Ring, ring, ring.

- # Ooh, now, do you love me completely?

# Each day, are you happy to see me?

# I just want you to know

# is I'm here, and I'm ready.

- # Ring, ring, ring. #

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