Original subtitles

- This is a story of boy meets girl.

(CHAPPELL ROAN'S 'GOOD LUCK BABE')

And, like every boy-meets-girl story, there comes a point,

where they're not just standing in front of each other, asking to be loved, but also...

- Henry, Henry! - We heard the good news!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- (TUTS EXCITEDLY)

- Maybe it's twins. - (ALL EXCLAIM GLEEFULLY)

...but also enlisting each other as willing accomplices

in a victimless crime.

OK, maybe 'willing' and 'victimless' are broadly defined.

- # You can kiss a hundred boys in bars,

# shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling... #

- Hey! (SPEAKS CHINESE)

- Aw. - (CHUCKLES) - Are you ready?

- HUSHED: I do not consent to this plan. - Shut up.

We'll talk about it later. Now, act...

paternal. Hi, everybody! - (CHEERING)

What's that saying � 'Something, something, repent later'?

Strap in, buster.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025.

- # If you leave me now,

# you'll take away the biggest part

# of me.

- OFF-KEY: Ooh. - # Ooh-ooh. No, baby,

please don't go.

(BOTH SPEAK CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- # If you leave me now,

# you'll take away the biggest part

# of me.

# Ooh-ooh. No, baby,

# please don't go.

# Ooh, girl, I just

# want you to stay.

- Ugh, did we have to invite him?

- Mandy, your sister is pregnant.

(SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- # ...a love that's hard to find. #

- OK, fine � as long as he doesn't play our wedding song.

- OK, sorry to interrupt, but can we talk to you both for a second? - HUSHED: In private.

- Yeah. Come on. (CLICKS)

(CHINESE POP SONG)

OK, this has officially gone too far. We are staging an intervention.

- It was my idea. (CHUCKLES) - Oh, whoa. No, it wasn't.

I think I was the one that said... (WHISPERS) we should do something. - Totally, and then I said, 'Oh,

'you mean, like, an intervention?' and you go, 'Oh gosh, yes. Ellie, that's a great idea �

an intervention.' - Oh, my God, I did. Anyway, the point is � we can't let you do this.

Right, Dave? - Right � absolutely not.

- Wait. Weren't you my Uber driver? - Yeah, but that's just my side hustle.

My real calling is I wanna start a podcast. See, I'm thinking,

'An Anthropology into the Love Lives of the Modern,

'Backseat, Rideshare User'.

You two � mwah! So good.

- Your parents are taking this fake pregnancy pretty seriously.

And the longer it goes on, the harder the withdrawal. - Yeah,

and judging by how attached they are to your false-positive pee sticks,

you're gonna have to, like, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' them.

- CHUCKLES FORCEFULLY: Guys, can you just, like, all relax?

It'll be three weeks,... (SCOFFS) max.

As soon as I get my inheritance,

I'm just gonna say that the hospital messed up and made a mistake.

(SNORTS) - And what, they're just gonna let you keep the money?

- Uh, yeah, once I buy a house � (SCOFFS) you can't refund that shit.

- Great, they'll just never forgive us. - Uh, why are you taking their side?

- Because you said we'd talk about this later �

this is later. - Yeah, it is later,

and you're supposed to be agreeing with me. - That's not how it works.

- Yes, it is. Otherwise, you should have said something earlier. Consent can be implicit, OK?

- I think mean 'implied', which is pretty illicit these days.

- And rightfully so. It is illicit, and we are all complicit.

Therefore, we have a moral imperative to see it through.

- No, we don't, and rhyming two words together

doesn't automatically give you a convincing rhetoric to stand on. - Fine, then.

Go ahead and crush their hopes and dreams, Henry.

- Fine. - WOMEN: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- No!

- Look, Melissa's right � we are all complicit. - See.

- Aiden's the one that leaked the bad intel, and I should have stopped him,

and Ellie should have destroyed those pregnancy tests. - Mm-hm.

- So we are all at fault; ipso facto, we should be the ones to fix this.

- Preach, sister. - I think Dave should do it. - I'll do it for 10 bucks.

- Deal. - Sweet as. - Ha! In your face, Henry.

Wait, what?! No� Hey, Dave! (DOOR SHUTS)

Don't you� Oi! - SHAKILY: Oh no. - (WHOOPS, CHEERS)

(MIC WHINES) - Hi. Dave the Uber driver here. Do you guys wanna know a secret?

- No, stop! I'll give you 20 bucks if you keep your mouth shut. - Done.

Sorry, no secret. Never mind. - Jen? - SOFTLY: Hmm?

- What is he talking about? - Shut up, Jen.

- STERNLY: Melissa,... (SPEAKS CHINESE)

(CHUCKLES) We love juicy secrets.

- Come on � spill the tea! - (SIGHS)

OK. Yes.

Um, well...

(SIGHS) Do you remember�

Do you remember when Aiden spilled the beans about how Henry and Melissa would make

such great parents together?

Well, what he meant to say was...

Ellie? Ellie? - What?

Yes. Thank you.

Jen, thank you. What he meant was� Well, what he was saying...

SHAKILY: we... Wh� Sorry, what...

- We wanna be godparents. - SOFTLY: Oh.

- Oh! - BOTH: Together. - Together.

- Yay! Yay. (LAUGHS) - Ooh, nice!

- That was awesome.

- (WHOOPS, CHEERS) - Ayo! Oh yeah. - (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

- Whoo! Fake Godparents Club.

- Oh, my God, did you guys see the look Mandy's face?

She cannot believe that my parents would let you idiots be godparents

to my fake child. It's, like, the minute that I'm knocked up,

with a man in my life, I can do no wrong.

(GASPS) Which is total patriarchal bullshit.

Ugh, I hate it. - Yeah, tell that to your face.

- (SIGHS) Henry. Um, I'm having a

fake child in a world that expects women to have real children.

I think that my feminist credentials are pretty, uh, watertight.

- That's feminism, Henry; it's called feminism.

- So you're a feminist because you only pretend to conform

to patriarchal expectations? - No,

I am subverting it for profit,

and that... is pretty bad-arse. - Yeah, that is kind of bad-arse.

- I'm trying to score us a mortgage-free house in Auckland.

Do you know how hard that is? (SIGHS) - It's so hard.

- Don't you wanna move out and live rent-free?

- I mean, it's not such a bad idea, Henry. Yeats, TS Eliot, Huxley �

they all had rich female patrons. - Yeah, sugar mamas are the best.

- # Sugar mamas are the best. # - Yeah. Good for you, Henry. Well done.

- OK, five minutes ago,

you lot were all afraid this will result in the diagnosis

of a new mental-health disorder, and now you're all on her side?

- Yeah, Henry, I am,

because that was before your parents looked into my eyes, and they saw my soul.

They were staring into my soul.

- It's called surrendering, Henry. You should try it.

- And look � worst-case scenario, the two of you could actually

get together and have a real baby, right?

- What?! No! - Ew! Gah!

- I mean... not right now. - Yeah, totally.

- Not, like, never,...

right? - (GRUNTS VAGUELY)

- WHISPERS: Awkies. - Melissa, come. (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

She wants to see your tongue! - I'm coming!

(GROANS) Crap. - Uh, why does your grandma wanna see your tongue?

- (SIGHS) Just keep quiet, and follow my lead.

Come on. - All right, hit me up, Dave. I need some Elton John.

- Uh, and then I wanna go next. - AMERICAN ACCENT: Tiny, tiny dancer.

- Oh, nice. - It's a good one. It's a high key, but I think I nail it.

- I found the Chinese Elton John.

- Hmm. (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE) - (MUZAK PLAYS SOFTLY)

Melissa,...

- (GIGGLES) But surely they're expired by now.

Thanks, PohPoh, but I think my 'dampness' is just fine.

Right, Henry? - Melissa,...

(SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- Mm-hm. - Uh, I think we're all forgetting that I'm also a doctor, here,

like, an actual doctor doctor. - (SCOFFS) Yeah, like,

um, for the skin.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Oh, nothing � just that it's skin deep.

- As opposed to keto. (CHUCKLES)

Is that your, uh, distinguished domain of medical expertise (?)

- (SCOFFS) No, I've actually had a baby.

It's called experience. - Well, I'm about to have one,

so it's not like you own that shit, OK?

It's not like a... fake Instagram profile.

- (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

(LAUGHS) - I miss Oprah. - Melissa,...

(SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

(ALL CHUCKLE)

- Mm. I couldn't agree more. (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) I have an idea �

why don't we ask the father-to-be for his thoughts?

What do you think, Henry? - (SPEAKS IN CHINESE)

- (SCOFFS) I'll tell you what he thinks. He thinks it's a load of� - I love it.

I think it's just what Melissa needs.

(LAUGHTER)

- (CHUCKLES)

(CHINESE RAP MUSIC)

- Babe� Babe, just listen to me. - No, you listen �

I'm not changing my mind, OK? So you can stop with the stupid '70s break-up songs.

- Look, I'm a changed man. No more conspiracies � I swear.

The old we're-living-in-a-simulation Vaughn is out. - Really?

- Yeah, hard-out. Just new and improved living-in-reality Vaughn, now.

Besides, you can't pretend that you

don't miss these seasalt-caramel eyes disarming you,

under these soft, wispy, wounded brows.

- SOFTLY: I don't; I don't miss them. - Oh yeah?

When you kissed Henry, did he look at you like this?

(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS) - WHISPERS: God.

- Seriously? Astragalus root for morning sickness,

codonopsis tonic for mummy brain, powdered eucommia tree extract for swollen nipples.

I mean, what else do these guys believe in � aliens?

- You said it would only be for three weeks, right?

Don't tell me your 'watertight feminist credentials'

can't stomach three weeks of soggy,

lukewarm snow fungus for a mortgage-free house.

- Are you trying to be smart? - I'm just trying to be an ally.

- Huh. Really?

- Yeah. - Fine, then...

drink this. - What? - Drink this.

You wanna be an ally � show me.

- (SCOFFS) I don't think that's necessary.

- (CHUCKLES) I said, drink this. - No.

- Drink it. - No.

- I said, drink it. - No, you drink it.

- You want to be an ally. You should take the bullet.

- Argh! No, it's your bullet � you take it.

- No! - (GRUNTS) Get off me!

(GAGS) It smells like burnt hair, ugh!

- You can't lie to me, Mandy. These eyes � they shine for you.

- Did you just misquote Coldplay? - Mandy, I want you back for good.

- No, too late � Take That.

- But I've changed � I swear.

I even gave away all our shares in the keto app,

and started a new AI-powered fact-checker called Conspiracy,

Not Conspiracy. - What?

- Yeah, a new app that debunks conspiracies. It's gonna kill.

- No, you idiot � you sold our keto-app shares?

- Nah, I gave them away. - What?!

- I thought it'd be, like, a grand gesture to show you how much I've changed.

- You stupid� Those shares

are our entire family's net worth.

We're broke now, Vaughn,... (STRANGLED WHISPER-SCREAM) broke!

God, you're unbelievable!

- Oh, what the hell?!

- (COUGHS) - Oh, ugh, disgusting!

- So bad. - (SCOFFS) What hell was in this?

- Definitely foxtail in there somewhere.

- I can't believe I'd forgotten how bad these tonics were.

- OK, come on. We should get back out there. It is our pregnancy karaoke party.

- (SCOFFS) Seriously, Mel � you still wanna do this?

I'm just worried that our parents are enjoying this too much,

and when the bubble bursts, it's gonna ruin everything. - Henry,

we've just spent the last two months indulging our parents and our fake relationship,

and look how that turned out � pretty good, wouldn't you say?

- Yeah, but the stakes were lower.

Well, I've disappointed them with a thousand different relationships.

- A thousand? - (SIGHS) I'm rounding up.

Look, when we started this thing, we didn't want it to be real,

so it didn't matter if we messed up, but now,...

it's different. I just wanna experience the real part of this, for a change,

and I don't wanna risk it for some money � do you?

SOFTLY: Do you?

Melissa, tell me you don't wanna risk it for some money and a goddamn house.

- Look, I wasted years of my life

supporting my deadbeat ex-fiance through medical school

who then cheated on me with my ex-best friend,

then I spent the last two years rebuilding myself,

so I could get out of this dump and start living again,

and I would have done that 16 hours ago,

until you dragged me back in here to make this real. (LAUGHS)

So forgive me if I want a backup plan,

just in case this doesn't actually work out.

- Wow.

Wow. - Henry.

Henry! (DOOR SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

- (SIGHS) I don't get it, bud. She knows the only reason I was

so obsessed with this idea of escaping the matrix

was because that I thought if kissing your beautiful mother was this hella hot in a simulation,

then it must be even more lit outside it in reality,

which, of course, I no longer believe in. And neither should you,

cos you and me � right now � are firmly in reality.

There is no matrix. You get that, right? - Obviously.

- See? I'm completely reformed. Why can't she see that?

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, bud. I tried my best.

- That's OK, man � that's life. - Dude, how are you so chill all the time?

- I'm a kid; I just live in the moment.

(MUZAK CONTINUES PLAYS)

- Why did you say it? - I don't know why I said it.

- I mean, it could have been worse. - No, it was pretty bad.

- Yeah. Yeah, no, it sounded bad. - I didn't mean it. It just came out.

I don't... (INHALES SHARPLY) Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.

- No, it's not. And I know for a fact that Melissa doesn't think that.

- She doesn't? - Of course not, and even if she did, she didn't mean it;

she's just thinking it. - Oh, well, that's reassuring.

- Henry. - It's like the moment our parents showed up,

maybe she thought, 'Crap, I made a mistake',

and this whole pregnancy thing is her way of making me end it,

so that she doesn't have to. - Wow. Do you think, maybe,

you're overthinking it just a little bit? - Am I?

- Yes, Henry � you are. - But what if that's what he thinks �

that I'm the one with my foot deliberately out the door?

- Well, is your foot out the door? - No, I mean,

my foot barely made it in the door in the first place.

Like, it literally just happened yesterday.

- So her foot is out the door? - Yes. No. Yes. No�

Well, yes. It's� Well, it's on its way, currently, in the door.

So yes, it's out, but it's not out out. You just need to give her time,

and stop freaking her out. - By faking a pregnancy?!

- Yes. It's actually pretty genius. - What?

- Let's just say that you're right, and she does have some kind of weird commitment issues �

she literally chose the one thing that stops her from bailing.

She picked you to be her baby daddy in front of her entire family.

I'd say that's pretty all-in. - Yeah, but... (SIGHS) is that fair on Henry?

- I kinda think that's on him to decide. - I did drag him into this.

- Uh, no, you didn't. He's his own man.

He could have come clean at any point, and he hasn't.

- Yeah, and I actually think that means something. I think he wants this.

- Mm. And even if he is right,

and you are trying to make him eject, why not let him be the one to eject?

Why self-sabotage your own self-sabotage?

- Stick around, Dave.

(LIU HUAN'S 'TIME AND TIME AGAIN')

(SINGS 'TIME AND TIME AGAIN' IN CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- Mandy... (CONTINUES IN CHINESE LANGUAGE)

(PASSIONATE KARAOKE SINGING CONTINUES)

- Whoo! - (ALL SING IN CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- Hey. - Hey. - HUSHED: How'd you go?

- Uh, yeah, I said some pretty irresponsible things. - (SIGHS) Oh, gosh, me too.

- Yeah, same. Hey,...

does that mean I'm part of the group now?

- I mean, we are looking for one more person to pin a lot of the blame on, so...

- She's not wrong. - (GASPS)

(GASPS) (RESTRAINED SQUEALS)

- This feels so right! - Doesn't it?

(ALL SING TUNELESSLY)

(WHOOPS, APPLAUSE)

- One more time! One m� - No, no, no. - One's enough. One's good.

One's great! - Yeah, no, it was� yes, wonderful.

- Give it 30 years; that'll be us. - (CHEERING)

Sorry. That was a joke. - (SIGHS) - (SCOFFS)

I wasn't trying to hold us to 30 years or anything.

- Uh, about earlier� (MIC WHINES) - Henry,

Melissaaaa,...

I just wanna say, I'm sorry, G. I've been such a buzzkill all night,

trying to get my girl back. Sorry, Mandy.

You're so beautiful. But you know what? My homie, Yoel, here,... - (PHONE GAME BLIPS)

...he's taught me an important lesson � 'Live in the moment, man', mm-hm.

And this moment belongs to you two � you're having a baby!

(WHOOPS) Yeah-yah!

- (CHUCKLES) Basically,

I'm really sorry for pushing this fake baby thing on to you,

and if you want out,...

I'd just really appreciate it if you took the lead and told them the truth.

- My money's on twins. Hell, yeah � some twins.

(CHEERING)

- Wait! Wait.

(INHALES SHAKILY) I also have an announcement �

Vaughn and I are getting back together, for good.

(CHEERING)

(STRANGLED: It's his eyes. - Aw, that's so sweet.

- Babe, are you serious? - What did you call your new app?

- Conspiracy, Not Conspiracy. It's gonna be huge. I promise.

- OK, just play our wedding song!

- Yes. Yes, let's play it. - (CHEERING)

- # My love.

- # You're every breath that I take. - You don't have to hide being happy for them.

- Shut up. I'm just pleased that they're conveniently back together,

to cushion the blow that... (WHISPERS) I'm not pregnant. Are you gonna tell them?

- # And I... - # I...

- WHISPERS: Look, what if you're right? - What?

- 16 hours ago, you were about to get on a plane to South America,

and now, we're real, after two months of make-believe.

If this pretend pregnancy �

for three weeks, max �

in addition to helping you get a house and a backup plan,

helps us to do this quote, unquote 'real' relationship,...

maybe it's worth it. - Henry,...

you'd do that for me? - BOTH: # Oh, yes...

- I mean, it's kind of what relationships are, right?

Besides, I really don't wanna kill their buzz right now�

Mmm. - BOTH: # My endless love. #

- I love you. - I love you. - I love you.

- QUIETLY: You have no idea what's gonna happen tonight. - Ooh.

WHISPERS: You're on mic. - You're on�? - (SINGLE CLAP)

- We're not going to hell for this, are we? - (SCOFFS)

For faking a pregnancy or for using it as a pair of training wheels

for our newly minted real relationship? - (BOTH LAUGH)

- Henry,...

Melissa.

(LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- READS: Traditional Chinese Medicine for Expectant Dads?

- (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

- (CHUCKLES) Absolutely. I can't wait.

- (SPEAKS CHINESE LANGUAGE)

Hmm? - (GIGGLES)

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

(BOTH SIGH) - That was too close. - Right? Way too close.

- (CHUCKLES) 'Your pain makes their pain more bearable'?

Can you believe Vaughn went through this with Mandy? - (SNORTS) Idiot.

Lucky mine is fake,

so if you don't do it,...

I won't tell if you won't tell.

So, remember how I said this was a story of boy meets girl,

boy kisses girl, boy and girl entrap each other

on a sinking ship headed for disaster?

No, it's not the Titanic;

it's just a relationship.

(CHINESE RAP MUSIC REVS DYNAMICALLY)

Captions by Brigit Kelly. Edited by Faith Hamblyn.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0