Original subtitles

Hello? Is anyone here?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Dopey Derek.

I knew I recognized that mopey little frown.

Wow.

What are the odds, huh?

Pretty high, it seems.

Oh, come on.

You don't expect two gays not to run into each other at the gayest part

of town in the gayest gay bar, did you?

Oh, no, I did.

I just didn't expect the other gay to be you.

So, how's it been, Dopey D?

Don't call me that, okay?

It wasn't funny in college.

- It's not funny now. - Geez.

Somebody forgot to take their anti-bitch pill today.

Look, Charlie, you're the last person I want to see tonight, and I'm sure

I'm the last person you want to see.

So why don't you cut the chit chat and leave me alone?

Ouch. Is that how you treat a friend you haven't seen in years?

"Friend" is a stretch.

Okay, rude.

I'm seriously gonna need a drink if I'm gonna put up with this.

No one's asking you to.

Hello, bartender.

Seriously, where are they?

- Can I have some yours? - No.

Rude.

Ew. Really?

Don't judge me. You're here alone on Christmas.

How pathetic.

Why are you here, Charlie? You can't go anywhere else?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you own the place.

Why are you being extra diva tonight?

- What are you looking at? - Nothing.

Oh, that doesn't look like nothin' to me.

Mind your own business, Charlie.

- You know, he invited me as well. - He did?

Yes. Don't act so surprised.

Him and I were friends, too.

Please, you wish.

So why'd he invite me then?

Probably because he feels bad for you.

That's you, hon.

I'm out.

Hey!

It's just lemonade.

I know.

Why?

I decided to stop drinking.

Why?

Because I wanted to.

Seriously, Charlie, mind your goddamn business.

I think we both could use some of this.

Much better.

So, you gonna go?

What do you think?

Sorry, just thought I'd ask.

Are you?

Mmm, I'm thinkin' about it.

I can't believe he had the balls to invite me after what he did.

I told you he'd break your heart.

But does anyone ever listen to Charlie? No.

Yeah, right. How could you have known?

Just know these things, babe.

Whatever.

Sure seemed like you wanted it to happen that night.

I just wanted to expose the cheating scumbag for who he really was.

You sent him a message on Dkstr at the club saying you were ready on your

knees in the bathroom when I was right next to him.

Yeah, but if you wouldn't have seen that message, you wouldn't have ever known.

- You should be thanking me. - Please.

Do you really think I would've gone through with it?

If I wouldn't have seen your message on his phone, absolutely.

Oh.

Maybe I would've.

Maybe I wouldn't.

Guess we'll never know.

God, you see, this is why I never liked you.

Do tell.

I don't trust you.

I don't see how anyone can trust you when you pull shit like that.

Got to keep things interesting somehow, you know?

Besides, that was years ago. Get over it.

You don't know me.

I know that you have serious trust issues, that's for sure.

Gee, I wonder where that comes from.

Not from me, honey. Trust.

Matter of fact, maybe if you stopped being such a bitch,

you wouldn't look so pathetic.

What?

What's so funny?

You.

You're funny.

I know.

I think you should go.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Go see him and finally get on your knees like you always wanted.

Maybe I will.

Do it.

Ruin another relationship you only dream of having.

Maybe I will.

Wouldn't put it past you.

I'd rather get on my knees than wallow in my own self-pity.

Well, then here you go.

A one-way ticket to fuck up someone else's life.

Choo-choo, all aboard.

You know what?

Since you're so eager, why don't you just get on your knees right now?

- Don't say it unless you mean it. - Who says I don't?

- Are you flirting with me, Derek? - Don't flatter yourself.

You think you're so much better than me, don't you?

At least I'm trying to fuck other people's boyfriends.

Don't blame me for your breakup with Benji.

- I didn't sleep with him. - But you wanted to.

You were always on his dick when we were together.

What?

A girl can't appreciate a hot piece of meat when she sees one?

Especially from a Brit.

Not if he's taken, and especially not in front of his boyfriend.

All's fair in love and war, darling.

That doesn't even make sense.

No, what doesn't make sense

is why he chose you.

Maybe because I don't try to fuck other people's boyfriends.

You said that already.

Did I?

He was wasting his time on you.

Was he?

All you ever did was complain about how much you didn't deserve Benji.

Maybe that's why he was on Dkstr, to find somebody who actually

knew how to please him.

And at the end of the day, that still wasn't you, was it?

He knew you wanted him before he and I got together.

And even then, he chose me, not you.

So tell me, how does it feel to be second-rate?

Go to the wedding.

You can have him.

And when you're there on your knees, his dick all the way down your throat,

if you can even get it that far.

Just remember, not only was I there first, but he actually loved me.

To him, you'll just be a wet hole.

So go.

Enjoy your sloppy seconds.

Why do you hate me so much?

You're gonna make me spell it out for you?

Humor me.

It's not my job to make you see how much of an asshole you are.

- Oh, fuck you. - Fuck you!

- I bet you'd like that, huh? - You're delusional.

I saw the way you used to look at me on campus.

- What? - In the dorms.

- So? - The showers.

I was with Benji.

Oh, I'm not talking about when you were with Benji.

I'm talking about before Benji.

Remember?

Freshman year?

I don't know what you're talking about.

And remember I asked you guys to have a threesome?

- Yeah, we shut that down immediately. - Yeah.

But you wanted it.

I know you did.

How desperate are you?

I don't have to be desperate when Colette told me everything.

- Okay, Colette makes stuff up all the time. - Yeah.

- You know that. - But not when she's drunk.

Whatever.

- Believe what you want, I could care less. - Couldn't.

What?

Couldn't.

- What? - You couldn't care less.

Okay, fuck off, English major.

Oh, at least my degree puts me to work.

What did you major in again?

Oh, drama.

- How's that working out for you? - Fantastic.

Glad a whole bunch of third graders appreciate the effort it takes to dress

up as an elf and sing happy birthday.

Do you get off on this?

On what?

Annoying the living crap out of me.

Maybe a little.

I love seeing Dopey D get all worked up.

Takes the edge off a little.

You're twisted.

But you like it.

I know you do.

Come on.

- Dance with me. - No, thanks.

Admit it.

There's a part of you that likes it, isn't there?

Are you trying to turn me on?

Depends.

Is it working?

Let's say it was.

Then what?

What do you think would happen?

We'd go back to my place and fuck.

Or we can go to mine.

Whatever works better.

You really have no shame.

Waste of time.

Ain't gonna happen. So dream on, my friend.

Oh, I'm your friend now, huh?

That's not what I...

- And you still didn't answer my question. - ...meant.

What question?

Is it working?

You were always cute when you squirmed like that.

Oh, so now you think I'm cute, huh?

I thought Benji was the cute one.

- I never said that. - You sure as hell acted like it.

True.

What are you getting at here, Charlie?

You didn't see the way I used to look at you in the showers.

And how did you look at me in the showers?

The same way you looked at me.

Yeah, right.

What? It's true.

Shut up. No you didn't.

I never saw you looking.

That's because I hid it way better than you did.

So...

...what were you thinking about when you were looking at me?

- You know full well what I was thinking. - Oh, come on.

I wanna hear you say it.

I'm all out.

I need a real drink.

Oh, didn't you used to be a bartender?

For like three months.

Oh my god, can you make me a drink?

- Why would I do that? - Come on.

Please. Please.

Please.

Just wait for the bartender. He'll come out.

He's probably in the back jacking off.

Please.

- Fine. - Yay!

What do you want?

Surprise me.

- I don't even know if I remember how to...

- Oh, come on, you know how to do it. - ...make...

Just mix something up. Come on.

So...

So...

So...

What?

What would you do if we were in the showers right now?

You really wanna know?

Well, I'd...

...I mean, kiss you and stuff. - Oh, come on.

It has to be something more than that.

Well, I'd check you out.

And...

You'd be touching yourself.

Uh-huh. And then?

I'd touch myself, too.

And then...

...I'd go up to you and push you against the wall.

I'd put my body on yours and kiss you.

I'd get on my knees and take you in my mouth.

And here you were talking about me getting on my knees.

Okay, that's completely different.

Good to know that the bartender's having fun.

- Should I stop? - No.

Keep going.

You were saying.

Well...

...I'd stand up...

...grab your mouth...

...kiss you, turn you around,

and push up on you.

I'd kiss your neck.

You'd moan, begging me for more.

I'd grab your shoulders with both my hands and go in.

And I'd pull your hair...

...and go faster...

...until we both finished.

You like it?

- It's alright. - Alright?

That's top shelf.

So, why didn't you ever push up on me freshman year?

I would have been down.

You were arrogant and pompous, and I didn't want to give

you the satisfaction.

What a waste.

Could've been hot.

Why didn't you do anything?

- You were intimidating. - What?

- How? - The way you used to look at me.

- It looked like you hated me. - Probably because I did.

You didn't even know me. Didn't even give me a chance.

I've never liked arrogant people.

I like to think I've cooled down a bit.

That's still up in the air.

Touché.

Oh.

Wonder what that could be.

- Oh, woof! - Let me see.

Oh, woof indeed.

Hey, let me see some of the guys you talk to on your phone.

Show me.

Well, I've been talking to this one guy, but he says he's straight.

Oh. Okay, abs!

- Wait, what's his name?

Huh.

"str8stud".

Yeah, right.

Oh, did he send me any face pics or no?

No, he's on the DL.

Of course he is.

Oh, you guys are into some...

- ...kinky shit! - Okay, don't read my messages.

Own it, Dopey D.

Yeah, well, I was thinking of deleting it again.

Have you ever deleted it?

Why would I do that?

You said you've never been with a guy like Benji.

Don't you ever want something more?

Who said I won't find my Benji on there?

Let's just stop talking about him.

He's old news.

Yeah, it's just...

...hard to forget someone like him, you know?

Be grateful you had him.

I never had anybody like that.

Is that supposed to make me feel bad for you?

Fuck you.

I bet you'd like that, huh?

Don't use that on me.

That's my line. Get your own.

- Ew. - What?

He's like six miles away.

Does he expect me to walk?

I mean, you could always...

No, nevermind.

What? I could always what?

- No, nothing is dumb. - Spit it out.

Come on.

My place isn't too far from here.

You could come over and let me put my money where my mouth is.

As tempting as that sounds...

...I don't do sloppy seconds.

- Touché. - Ah!

Touché.

Don't say that.

That's my line.

Worth a shot.

Besides, looks like my Romeo just called me a car, so I must be off.

It was good seeing you, Dopey D.

Hope it never happens again.

Likewise.

- Merry Christmas. - Uh-huh.