Original subtitles

And, Paul, they came into this ball game, Miami did,

knowing they'd have to get a victory,

in order to get into the playoffs with a wild-card berth.

Well, here we go again, Lindsey. We've watched Miami the last three weeks,

Score is tied, 14-14. We're in the closing seconds of the ball game.

They've won the ball game in the last play of the game.

And here they are again. They'll cause you cardiac arrest watching 'em.

They've got to get a score from 40 yards away. It's 14 to 14.

Of course, this could go into sudden death.

The kind of team Miami is, they'll give it their best shot right now.

They've been an unpredictable football team,

and here they come now, out of the huddle and up to the line.

And seconds are ticking off.

Hose Manning, the quarterback,

he's calling starting signals, now waiting for the snap.

Taken by Manning. Handing it off to Billy Clyde Puckett.

He's going to the right side.

And here's the ball in the air!

In the end zone for a touchdown!

It's unbelievable, Lindsey. Billy Clyde Puckett,

he has never thrown the ball that much.

He's only thrown three or four passes in 13 years of pro football.

This place is a bedlam.

Fans are trying to get out of the stands and get onto the field

and they're breaking loose and coming out there.

Of course, they have a conversion attempt coming,

but they're gonna have some trouble getting order restored

- in order to try the extra point. - They'll never get it off.

I think you're right. But in any case,

Miami is in the playoffs as the wild card.

- They'll playing green bay next week. - Unreal.

All right!

Don't you think we ought to have a little invocation,

say a prayer to thank the lord

for getting us into the playoffs? I think this would be...

Showers! Tutti frutti coaches!

In the shower!

Hey, all right, huh?

I thought I told you to buy the domestic.

Yes, sir, Mr. bookman. That's what I did. I...

I changed the labels is all.

- That's good thinkin', hooper. - Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Anything left over, you can keep.

Hell of a pass, Billy Clyde!

I thought so. Supposed to run the ball.

- Legs were tired... - Nice pass, bc.

- Thank you, Jerry. - Sylvia?

- Monica. Goin' after the bottoms tonight. - Monica?

- Shoot my way right through them. - Monica?

It was a slow-motion dream sequence.

Everything was semi-frozen in time,

movin' like surreal dancers in some cosmic fantasy.

It was like there was time in that moment

to look at everything...

There was time to experience every detail in a tapestry.

- It was... - Are we gonna get laid tonight?

Probably.

Hey, that's not fair, man!

Hey, motherf...

How does it feel, after your first year in American football,

getting into the playoffs?

Hey! Hey, wait a minute!

Tell me about it.

Hey, homeboy!

- Homeboy? - Hey, wait till I can get up, man.

Fellas, I'm sure you're all happy that we made it to the playoffs.

Don't you wanna pray with me?

My leg, man, my leg. You got my leg hurting, man.

Hey, hey. My blood"s stopped circulating, man.

Boy, if I don't miss my guess,

you're getting darker every time you catch the ball.

In fact, you look darker now then you did

before you started the game.

It's true. I'm gettin' this urge to tap-dance and play the saxophone.

Yeah.

Okay, guys. I give. You got me.

What can I say? Aw, come on, now.

Okay, now look, you guys are making me mad now!

There she is.

You know that somebody gave this to me in Africa?

She's jerking them right out of their shoes.

Where'd you get this?

I got this at neiman's a couple years ago.

It cost about $3,000.

I mean, I spend all my money in the us.

You know, I won't give those africans any of my money.

You have any proof that you took it out?

It has no label in it, that's why I'm asking.

- It doesn't have a label? - No. There's nothing in it.

Oh, that's very peculiar.

Usually neiman's has a big, you know, label there.

Yeah, usually do, yeah.

Well, 1, I don't know. It must have come off at the cleaners.

Please contact the nearest uniformed officers.

Shitheads!

Jesus Christ!

Oh! Hi there.

- Hi there. - That pisses me off!

I am telling you, America is the only country in the world

that just treats its citizens like they were crooks.

Oh, they make me so fuckin' mad.

You make yourself mad. It's got nothing to do with them.

- What is that on your face? - It's hair.

I think it's real cute.

- Don't you think it's cute? - I love it.

Oh, excuse me, bud mcnair.

Oh, I met bud on the plane.

I told him we'd give him a ride into town.

Well, these are what I've been tellin' you about.

Your best friends.

Says a lot about me. Doesn't it?

This here's Billy Clyde Puckett and shake tiller.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.

I'll have to confess, Billy Clyde, I was hesitant at first.

We've never published any sports books.

Nobel prize winners are more our line.

Had six of them, you know. We're an old house.

I guess you can say distinguished.

Great-grandfather started the firm right after the civil war

with the help of Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Who'd he play for?

- Boston. - Oh, yeah.

Yes. But Barbara Jane convinced me a book by you would be different.

A look at football no one's ever seen.

You know, the truth. I mean, nobody's told the truth about it.

But no sensationalism.

Nothing that cheap. I mean, we're not that kind of house.

We want the real truth, Billy Clyde, like what drugs the players take,

how games are really fixed, the influence of the mafia.

You mean the real, real truth.

Exactly.

Now, we know that there are gay football players,

but who do they like to do it with?

And are there more homosexuals on the offense or on the defense?

- Defense. - Really?

You're allowed to use your hands on defense.

It gives you a better chance to grope somebody.

This is exactly what we're looking for.

You were right about him, Barbara Jane.

I know.

How about spooks and spics?

Oh, no. No. I...

I think the reading public's bored with that by now.

Orgies?

Within the bounds of good taste.

What kind of orgies?

What kind of orgies do you want?

We got your post game orgies, your pregame orgies.

You mean before a game?

Sure. That's how we get so loose.

How do you think we beat Baltimore the other night?

Nothing like an orgy to loosen you up.

Now you take old shake there,

he's just about all orgied out. Aren't you, shake?

- No question about it. - No question about it.

And Barbara Jane, she just loves them.

- You shut up. - She never missed one yet.

What about your fish costume?

Okay, fellas. Okay. I know when I'm being put on.

I know what you thinkin', a man like me, an intellectual.

I'm sure when you divide up, you put jocks on one side

and everybody else on the other.

Well, let me tell you something...

Intellectuals are the jocks of the mind.

The life of the intellect is just as tough as the life of the body.

You have to be just as mean with an idea as you do with a football.

You love football? Great.

I love words, books, ideas.

And I know that a well-turned phrase

is just as valuable, just as beautiful

and just as important as a well-thrown pass.

Well...

I think I owe you an apology.

We just got off on the wrong foot, that's all.

You are wrong about one thing, though.

We don't love football that much.

You don't?

We just like taking showers with niggers.

Would you just drop him on over to the racket club?

- Thank you. - Don't you think he's gettin' better?

A year ago, he would have insulted that man.

I mean, you won't be in football forever.

You ought to take advantage of it now.

What the hell did you do to that guy on the plane?

Join the mile high club?

You know what you are? You're deliberately perverse.

- Is that good? - No.

I mean, gene autry... Who listens to gene autry?

- I listen to gene autry. - You're also retarded.

- That's my girl. - Where's the bearskin rug?

- T.j. Lambert's got it. - He had it.

- Had it? - Right.

Came in here the other night,

there's this stewardess lying there on the rug,

he just rolled her up like a burrito and took off with her.

I heard he ate the rug, too.

I guess I'm home.

- Welcome back. - Would you quit acting like a landlady?

I am the landlady.

Well, in the immortal words of gene autry,

"if you don't care to love me, I wish you'd leave me alone."

A-19, b.C. Puckett here. The one and only.

Read them off, my darling. Barbara Jean. Right.

Ann la... hello?

Ann laller...

Is this all you've been eating?

- Mary Alice... - No, we eat spaghetti and stew.

I know the kind of stew you eat.

Tasty, but not nourishing.

Well, leave her this message.

Tell her I had a vasectomy, and it's impossible.

I see you guys have cleaned up your act!

Keepin' the garbage out here on the terrace

instead of throwing it out in the bay.

Hey, leave that alone. We've got a lady who comes in to clean.

By the year?

Just put that stuff in my room.

I can't wait till she sees the bathroom.

Are these the pictures you took in Africa?

Yeah.

It's my African portfolio.

You can just put it right up here with my Greek portfolio.

What kind of tree is this?

That's not a tree. That's a giraffe.

See?

He got behind the tree before I got the camera focused.

I didn't know you liked trees so much.

I don't. I just... I just take lousy pictures.

Well, they're good pictures of trees.

Well, I wasn't taking pictures of trees.

I was taking pictures of animals.

Well, you took pictures of trees.

Yeah, because I'm a lousy photographer.

No. Because you chose to take pictures of trees.

Shake, what is going on with you?

I'll tell you what's goin' on with him.

He's found himself.

I didn't know he was lost.

You wanna play some liar's poker for 20?

You can't afford to lose that much.

I've been practicing.

Oh, pair of fours.

- Three eights. - Four nines.

You see, my intention was not to take pictures of trees.

- I mean, the reason that I went to... - Reasons, bullshit.

- Four 10s. - Action is what counts.

All the rest is theory. It's bullshit.

The only reality is in the moment. It's what you're doing that counts.

Not what you think you've been doing or hope you'll be doing.

Do you wanna call my bluff?

And the minute you start talkin' about reasons,

you start labeling,

and labels are just screens between you and what you're really doing.

- Look. - You understand what he said?

Sure, it's clear as a bell. You're labeling screens.

That's not what he said.

That's not what you said?

And you're still hung up with the pictures you think you wanted to take.

Yeah, you're hung up on the pictures.

I understood that.

Good. Now, here we are. Four 10s to you.

I wanted to take pictures of animals!

- These are great pictures. - Of trees.

These are great pictures of trees.

Will you stay the fuck out of this, now?

Sorry. Four 10s.

Five nines.

Why can't you just accept what you did?

Well, actually I think you're bluffin'.

Five nines is a lot.

Don't you see? I wanted to take pictures...

Forget what you wanted to do. Forget what you meant to do.

And look at what you did. Not what you think you didn't do.

There's a million things you didn't do.

You didn't take any pictures of studebakers.

You're not bad at animals, you're just real good at trees.

I think I'll just have to call your bluff, okay?

Well, I mean...

They're not bad. I mean, for trees.

They're beautiful.

You found yourself? For real?

Well, what's real?

Shit.

When you play my kind of game,

you need more than just a few hours protection,

you need all day protection.

And that's what mitchum brings you.

24 hours a day.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Shh... cut!

- Beautiful. - Don't print that.

- Don't worry, man. - Listen, listen...

I can shellac your armpits.

Would you lower the sheet on this one a little.

Just get a little more of what they're paying for, you know.

- Huh? - Down lower.

Down lower.

- Faster, faster. - And take this off, will you?

Farm workers can't afford mitchum.

I'll hold it. There you go.

He's a real bucket of chuckles, isn't he?

- You need one of these commercials. - Need one of those!

That's exactly right.

I wish I had one of these when I did my commercial.

I ooks like we should...

- Hello. How are you? - Come here.

Don't do that. These people have work to do.

- Let me just se if I can check her... - Behave!

- Do I have to stop? - What's the matter with you?

Excuse me, I really am sorry.

Get out of here!

Hooper, let go of my leg!

Let go of my leg!

Yeah, let's do it again right away, right away.

Okay. Let's get a rehearsal, now.

Pooper, why don't you get me a commercial like that?

You're identified with the wrong product.

He's gonna be all right. Once they start rollin'.

If you don't fuck him up.

I'm tryin' to help him, I'm the one with experience.

You did one commercial, Billy Clyde.

Well, that's experience.

You call that experience? For condoms?

It was a good product.

- "Come on, boys, stick it in." - Stop.

"It won't pinch. It's paper thin."

That is exactly what I'm talking about. Do you understand?

It wasn't even network, it was cable.

Narrow minds, narrow little minds.

They wouldn't put it on national television. It ain't my fault.

Mitchum spot. Take three. Mark.

All right, now. Relate to the bottle.

All you care about is fuckin' and football,

- in that order. - True.

When you play my kind of game, you need more than a mouthwash.

- Cut. Cut it. - You need a prefrontal lobotomy.

Cut, cut. That's cute.

You'd diddle an alligator if somebody drained the pond.

Don't have to drain the pond.

I'm gonna put this one right here and you relate to this one. Okay?

Listen, I know this is no fun. I'm sorry.

- I'm under a lot of pressure, too. - No problem. No problem.

You got your responsibility, and I got mine.

Thanks. And act like you smell good.

Okay. Ready for rehearsal.

Fuck warm mud if they held it.

- Shut up. - And action!

I haven't used a deodorant today.

I may not again tomorrow,

because I use mitchum, the long-lasting...

Cut! Cut!

Shake, what are you doin"? Shake, stop it. Stop it.

Cut it! Call my ex... cut it!

Mitchum.

Now, you know I ain't one of them old-fashioned parents.

Your mama died. I read every one of them books.

You've been raised liberal, Barbara Jane.

So it ain't just you gettin' married all of them times...

Twice, daddy. I've just been married twice.

Just how come you're the one always payin' alimony?

Well, I'm the one who wanted out. It just seems fair.

Oh, comes to money,

stickin' it in the other fella's gizzard, that's fair.

- Daddy... - And, and...

You're gotta stop living with Billy Clyde and shake.

What crazy notion took you this time?

We're in the playoffs now.

We're in the spotlight of publicity.

It don't look right, my daughter livin' with two of my players.

I'm not sleeping with them, daddy.

Well, that's what I mean.

It ain't normal.

You're a grown woman, Barbara Jane.

How do you think it looks? You livin' with them and not doin' it?

Folks will think you all a passel of...

I don't know... Whatever they call 'em.

Friends.

It's goddamn unnatural.

Alvin!

Way to go! Way to go! Yes, sir?

Alvin, I got a new play, here I want you to put in.

- You... - Come to me in the middle of the night.

- A new play, sir? - Yeah.

- Right now, sir? - Sure.

Think I could have been adopted?

Maybe I was switched in my crib at the hospital.

You let your hair grow.

You let your hair grow.

Oh, yeah. You did, too.

I like it.

Go for this one.

- You still throw like a girl. - You caught it.

I'm catchin' almost everythin' now.

- Oh, man. - Well, you always did.

No. There was a time, back in the first part of the season,

I was droppin' everything. Got real serious.

- Then I went to beat. - Went to beat who?

Bismark energy attack training.

I read about that.

It helps you get your head together...

Teaches you to live in the present.

Friedrich's a hell of a teacher.

Friedrich?

Friedrich bismark, he founded it.

He's somethin' else.

What else?

I don't know.

It's hard to describe.

He just knows.

Knows what?

He knows.

What?

You know, there's lots of people gettin' into stuff like beat now,

and not just fucked-up people.

Like movie actors and rock stars.

People like...

What's his name? John Denver, Valerie Harper, Joe namath.

Makes you feel better?

You've got gray in it.

What's that goddamn commie doin' out of uniform?

Where do you think you are, boy?

You think you're just over here for detente?

All right, boys, that's it!

This here is practice!

You on this team, you practice like every other son of a bitch.

Hell of a kick.

- Howdy? - Okay.

Okay, where y'all wanna go feed tonight?

You wanna go to that new French restaurant over on key biscayne?

I'm takin' her to a consciousness seminar.

To do what?

What the hell you wanna go to that for?

If it helps, I wanna know what it's about.

I'll tell you what it's about. It's about 48 hours long.

They won't let you take a piss for the first 12.

We do worry about each other. Don't we, Billy Clyde?

We'll see you later.

- You fellas mind if I come in here? - Slide right in here, darling.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

- Come here, you little rascal. - I brought you a little somethin'.

I've just been waiting for you.

Excuse me.

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Your seat belt. Fasten it.

You got anything cool in there?

Hey, are you okay?

I'll be okay. I'm just...

I'm one of those white-knuckle flyers, you know.

I just fall apart like a $2 suit on a tickle.

Can I get you a drink, sir?

Ever since my helicopter went down in Vietnam,

I've been like that.

Your helicopter went down?

Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it, though. I'll be...

Sorry, I'll be all right. I'll be okay. Just... listen.

Would it be all right... I know it's really an imposition...

Would it be all right, if I went back there in the back

and sat with you when we take off?

'Cause I need somebody to talk to. They won't talk to me.

- In the back? - I know you're not allowed,

- but you can break the rules. - 1 can't. I'll be fired.

Thank you very much.

This would look very good if we weren't going to such a cold climate.

I'm more nervous than you. My god.

Oh, boy.

905... 903.

We're right next door to each other, darling.

Sure you don't wanna bring some more luggage?

You're gonna be here over 24 hours.

Why, Barbara Jane bookman, as I live and breathe.

Why, Marvin tiller, whatever are you doing in this fancy hotel?

What are you doing the rest of your life?

North and south and east and west of your life

I have only one request

I'm gonna have another drink. How about you?

Oh, I think I'm gonna go to bed.

It's the shank of the evening.

I know. But I've got a big game to watch tomorrow.

Think I'll stack up a few zs myself.

It ain't even curfew.

You're a captain. You can take care of yourself.

Good night.

I'll get the... I'll get the check.

Billy Clyde! Billy Clyde!

Come here, man.

I want you to meet one of your admirers from the gridiron.

Billy Clyde Puckett, earlene ever-ready.

Her battery never runs out.

Earlene's lookin' for a little bit of action.

She ain't gonna find it here.

I thought you football players were supposed to be manly.

Look at him just sittin' there.

He's big, but he ain't manly.

You don't come near me till you brush your teeth!

Come on, kids. How about that?

Oh, you do have a tiny ass.

I mean, your ass is tiny!

- Did you ever see such a tiny ass? - Tiny ass!

It can fit in my hand.

Oh, earlene, you darling, you.

I really would like to, earlene. I really would.

I'm just gonna have to tell you.

You see, I'm afraid once you and I got started,

I'm liable to fall in there and be gone for days.

Beautiful, baby!

Hey, you lost!

Bj?

Leave the key in the door for me or the janitor?

Bj?

And why not?

Because we got a game to play, man.

I know you ain't played in the last three games.

They roll the sidewalks up early.

Come on. Get up, man.

I'll sleep on the roof.

I ain't gonna sleep here. But I'll tell you what you gonna do.

Come on, man. I don't know about you, but it's getting late.

We've got a game to play tomorrow.

You cannot sit here drinkin' all night.

- Hi, guys. - What do you say, bc?

- Couldn't sleep. - Oh, yeah.

Thought I'd have a couple beers. It might help.

- Couple of beers might help. - Yeah.

Why don't you come up to the room with us and have a couple of beers.

I don't wanna drink in the room.

You don't give up, do you?

You wouldn't like me if I did.

Buy you a drink?

Thanks for nothin'. I got a drink.

I'll buy you another drink.

Can we have two more of the same here?

Sure thing, but it's about 10 minutes till we close up.

See, the thing is, you don't understand about football players,

especially the night before the big game.

I understand plenty.

See, they take it out on everybody.

I mean, they make other people, like the opposing team,

and they're usually a little bit scared of the opposing team,

so they try to make people the opposite of what they are.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, you see, the other team's usually big and strong,

so what we do is we make them weak and small in our head.

Make them the opposite of what they are,

and then it seems to be all right.

- What's that got to do... - That's what I did with you.

I mean, you're big... Big and sexy,

sexy and big.

So what I did was I made you the opposite of that.

I changed you around, like I would the opposing team.

Is that what you did?

You know what?

Big women turn me on.

I mean, it isn't just a physical thing.

I mean, big women

have big feelings.

As opposed to little women who have small feelings.

There's nothin' sexier in the world

than a woman who knows she's a real woman.

What are you lookin' for?

Nothing.

Where is your room?

Right down at the end of the hall.

- Down at the end of the hall? - Yep.

You got the whole team in there?

Come on.

This is some kind of setup. I...

I really got to go, I think.

I tell you what.

If you don't wanna do nothing, we won't do nothin', okay?

Okay.

Nobody in the bathroom.

Nobody under the bed.

No football players anywhere.

Are you kinky?

Those ain't mine.

Those are Barbara Jane's.

See, I ex...

Exchanged rooms with a friend of mine.

Okay?

Come here.

You're laughin'.

I ain't laughin. I'm smilin...

Are you sure this isn't some kind of a...

I mean, you know, you're gonna go tell the guys.

I, I just smile all the time when I feel good.

I'm like a cheshire cat. When I feel good, I just smile.

You must feel good.

Well...

Don't you wanna turn off the light?

Why? We ain't got nothin' to hide.

Turn off the light.

- Kill him! - Break his ass!

Okay, boys!

Supper's ready!

Billy Clyde, food's on!

Shake?

That doesn't look very comfortable.

Christ! Don't stop now!

Come on, buddy. Get it while it's hot.

It is hot.

Supper's ready, Billy Clyde.

You go ahead and eat. I ain't hungry.

What's the matter? You feelin' poorly?

No. I feel fine.

Now, last time you weren't hungry was in 10th grade when you had the measles.

No, I never felt better, I've just got work to do, that's all.

What kind of work?

I'm writin' a book.

Are you sure you feel all right?

I'll eat something later.

Now, how come you changed your mind?

You were right about one thing.

There comes a point in a man's life

when he's got to think of something other than fuckin' and football.

I don't think you've reached that time, Billy Clyde.

Supper's gettin' cold.

You know what? He says he's gonna write that book.

Terrific.

- You don't believe him. - Do you?

How about if I have hooper put out a press release?

Fine.

Just so it isn't anything embarrassin',

you know I ain't no nobel prize winner or anything.

You know what we could do? I mean...

You write this book.

Well, then I could write up a contract, you know, and tie the advances to games.

So we could get so much if we beat Denver this week,

and we'd get a lot more if we win the super bowl.

Now, that is worth a movie sale.

You'll be semi-rich and go on talk shows with movie stars.

Well, I ain't doin' this for the money.

See, I'm writin' this book from here,

which is where real books come from.

Save you some supper.

Keep on dancin'. They're still payin' old gene for that song.

Hey, Charlie, where did you find this?

I'm glad you're down here where it's warm,

they're freezin' to death back in the big "d."

- What do you think? - Pure dirty leg.

I ower.

Lower than a five? What do you think, bj?

Great. She's a head-cold all the way.

There's a seven.

- The one in red? - Yeah.

Yeah, she looks about semi-rich.

Whoa, son!

There's some woman, might be a nine.

Where's a nine?

You're the only nine I know.

- Eight and a half. - I'ma 10.

Ain't no such thing as a 10.

Are you gonna start that shit again?

You're close, honey, but you ain't no 10.

I damn sure am.

There ain't no such thing in the world as a 10.

And you thought Emily kirkland was a 10.

No, I thought Emily kirkland and her sister together were a 10.

It's a question of responsibility, Roger.

If you can't get the ballrooms open an hour before the training begins,

well, then maybe you could suggest someone to resume that responsibility.

Okay, Roger?

- Shake! - Friedrich.

Barbara Jane bookman, this is friedrich bismark.

I'll get back to you.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

It's really nice to meet you.

That was a great game in green bay. How did you do that?

I just did it.

You just do or you don't, right?

Get that, Andrew.

I've been telling Barbara Jane about beat.

Well, I hope you're not looking for any answers.

Oh, I don't even know the questions.

There aren't any questions. That's why there aren't any answers.

Wow! Look at that Turkey! Whoo!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

T.j., you pull that girl back, you hear? We got a big game Sunday.

- Hooper! - Mr. bookman.

Ain't I got a helicopter around here somewhere?

- Yes, sir. Right over there. - Maybe we can hook on to her

- and reel her back in that way. - She's not a fish, daddy. Hooper,

would you go in the house and get a mattress?

- The beds are all made. - Damn, t.J.

Just ain't got the Christmas spirit.

Quick! Play something!

You're not going to lift a finger, are you?

You're just going to stand there and not do a goddamn thing?

Well, you didn't see it. You see, I sent shake up there to help.

No! You big Turkey!

Let me down!

No! No! No! Don't, don't let me down!

Bring me up!

What you gonna do with her, t.J.?

- Oh! No! - I don't know.

Well, you sure taught her a lesson.

Yeah.

Why don't you just bring her on back up?

No, no.

No, she'll scratch and bite me.

I won't! I won't!

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

I guess you better just drop her, then.

Yeah? You think so, huh?

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

If I drop her,

folks are going to be mad at me.

No!

But if I pull her back,

they're going to laugh at me.

I don't like people laughing at me, shake.

Screw 'em.

Let's find out what you really want to do,

then you just go ahead and do it.

Even droppin' her?

Whatever you choose, man.

As long as it's your choice,

it's going to be right, t.J., 'cause you're perfect.

You really think I'm perfect?

Hell, I know you're perfect.

No matter what I do?

No matter what.

Come on up here, you noisy thing.

Hang on.

Un-fucking-believable.

Well, I sent shake up there to help, you know.

The way he did it, he was so...

God, he was so positive. It was like...

Yeah.

He really knew what he was doing. He was amazing.

Well, I got to get back to writing my book.

A writer can't be partying around like this. You know what I mean?

- I never saw anything like it. - A writer has to be dedicated to his work.

Write a lot.

Hey, senor! Get through with that shit

and give these people something they can dance to.

Now, come on, folks. This is still a party.

And it's going to be a party till the sun goes down!

That's more like it!

Shake.

That was magnificent.

Now, I really mean it.

I'd like you to consider becoming a beat trainer for me someday.

When you're finished with football, of course.

Have you seen Billy Clyde?

Going to the house, last I seen him.

Put that beard back on.

Hey, man, I keep swallowing hair.

Santa claus wears a beard.

Uh-huh, yeah, when he in action.

Right now, Santa claus eating ribs and when Santa claus eatin' ribs,

he don't wear no beard.

That's what you gotta learn about Santa claus, baby.

Excuse me. Have you seen Billy Clyde?

Try the second door on the left, there.

Try another one.

Billy Clyde, I want to talk to you.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that a writer needs privacy?

Are you writing what just happened with t.J.?

It certainly was a colorful incident, wasn't it?

- Is he doing it again? - No.

You know it's not exactly

the image of the team we'd like to present.

Well, I'm a team man all the way, pooper.

Positive things, Billy Clyde, that's what people want to read about.

Big Ed's life, for example.

I sure don't intend to leave big ed out of the book.

Then we don't have to worry, do we?

Nothing to worry about.

I'm really glad we had this talk. I really am.

I am, too, Phillip.

Phillip,

you know where to find me.

T.j. Was holding this girl upside down, about 40 feet off the ground.

Which t.J. Lambert has a habit of doing

when young girls take unkindly to the semi-unmentionable things

that t.J. Lambert likes to do to them.

Just shittin', shove it under the door.

It's us, Billy Clyde.

Damn. Good thing I'm just writing a book.

What happened? What's the matter with her?

She's happy.

Happy? Why is she crying?

I've never been happier.

Last time you never were happier was...

Fuck.

No.

Yeah.

- You getting married? - Yeah.

To each other?

Yeah.

We wanted you to be first to know.

Why?

Because we love you more than anyone else.

But why are you getting married?

She knock you up?

Hey, we're in love, Billy Clyde.

Yeah, but why are you getting married?

I don't know.

This time it's different.

I know, I said that the other times, too,

but you've got to believe me.

It's like...

I don't know how to say it.

It's like...

It's like shake's what I've been waiting for all my life.

And he's been there all the time.

Just like you.

We figured we'd do it right after the super bowl game.

We've got to get past Denver first.

It'll give me a chance to take beat before we're married.

I thought all you had to do was get a blood test.

You know, we might even get friedrich to marry us.

He's ordained, you know.

Go shit in your hat!

Big Ed's bio. Thought it might be helpful.

Hey, I want you to be my best man.

And I want you to give me away.

You can't do both, can you?

Well, big ed can give me away.

He's used to it by now.

I guess we'd better go tell him, huh?

Be happy with me, Billy Clyde.

It's still one for all and all for one, huh?

Semper fidelis.

T.j. Lambert was born semi...

Mean.

Shit.

It's like...

It's like shake's what I've been waiting for all my life.

Mr. bookman will be with you in a minute.

That son of a bitch calls again, I don't want to talk to him.

Tell him I just said, "if he don't honor the deal, he can eat my shorts."

Yes, sir.

Goddamn country's going to the dogs.

Used to be, a handshake was good enough.

Billy Clyde, get on down here

before I get a goddamn crick in my neck.

Time was, this country was pure.

There was people you could look up to.

Lombardi, MacArthur,

- j. Edgar hoover. - Gene autry.

I'm a hard man, Billy Clyde,

but I listen to that man sing "silver haired daddy of mine"

and I ain't ashamed to confess,

these old eyes just fill up and tear out.

"A gold mine in the sky" does it to me.

Oh, yeah, god.

Makes you understand what's important in life.

Billy Clyde, did you crawl when you was a kid?

I don't rightly remember, big ed.

Well, how about creepin'?

Do you remember creepin' before you walked?

Not exactly.

Well, that's what I thought.

That's why you're gettin' pulled down from behind on that end sweep.

Your rear space ain't protected.

I'm just off my feed a little bit.

Oh, you've been that way all week.

Now, before I took movagenics,

I wouldn't have known what it was, either.

I'd have figured, just like you, I was off my feed.

Maybe slowed down a tad.

I'm just as fast as I ever was, big ed.

It all comes back to, "you didn't crawl and you didn't creep."

You just took off and walked.

And that's why you're having all this here trouble now with your back space.

Big ed. If you don't mind my asking, what the fuck are you doing?

It happened to me a while back.

I started feeling slowed down, peaked.

Almost got hoodwinked myself on a couple of big deals.

Well, thank the lord I found movagenics.

Who?

This here, what I'm doing is movagenics, Billy Clyde.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Well, it just looks like you're crawling to me.

No.

This ain't crawlin". This is creepin'.

This is crawlin".

- Yeah. - Of course, I don't do it in public.

The average run of people wouldn't understand.

Hey, Billy Clyde,

you know old h.I. Hunt his self creeped for six full years before he died?

Big ed, I ain't in any kind of trouble.

You're out of line with gravity, Billy Clyde. That's your trouble.

Now, a man gets borned,

the natural way is to start crawlin' and creepin' as soon as he can.

That way he gets himself back in line with gravity.

Now, you get that settled, you're ready to stand up and walk.

Ready to move forward with the safe knowledge

that he's protected on all sides,

including the backside.

You're without that knowledge, Billy Clyde,

you're sure as shit going through life unprotected,

unhappy, and unhelpful to your team.

You want me to start creepin' or crawlin'?

You ain't got the time. Got a big game comin' up Sunday.

Ain't nobody can creep or crawl hisself into line with gravity before then.

No. We got to go on to emergency measures.

How about humpin'?

You are going to get pelfed.

Not this Billy Clyde Puckett.

- You don't even know what it is. - I don't like the way it sounds.

Well, Billy Clyde, you can take your pick.

You're going to get fined, or you're going to get pelfed.

I don't want to get pelfed.

Fuck.

You having trouble, no?

No.

Take off your clothes.

Clara pelf will tell you if you're having trouble.

Pants, belt, shoes.

You have your shoes on.

Shoes.

Hurry up. We have only 30 minutes.

I eave on the underwear.

You are having trouble.

Lie down on the table.

On your belly.

You understand pelfing, no?

Nope.

You will find out.

I'm not sure I want to.

You're going to.

Head down.

Pelfing re-balances the body by moving the tissues

around the muscles,

so the muscles are once again free.

There's nothin' wrong with my muscles.

Your muscles are disgusting.

Big, lumpy, typical athlete's muscles.

Phooey!

Now, this hurts?

Ow! Yes.

You think, "this crazy old lady's killing me," no?

- Right. - Wrong.

The pain is coming from you.

Not from me.

I do only the moving.

Roll over.

Right.

Take a deep breath.

Very good.

You feel light in the chest already, no?

No.

You're still resisting.

Relax.

Breath in.

And out.

Good.

You can scream if you want.

Release the emotion.

If I scream, will you stop?

No.

There is no movement without pain!

You hated your father, no?

- No! - Your mother, no?

No!

You have sexual problems?

No.

You're resisting.

All American men have sexual problems.

Relax.

Open your mouth.

No.

Open your mouth!

Lift up the tongue.

Why?

You'll find out.

Very good.

Now you can get up.

- Can I go home now? - No, no, no.

Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

No. I remember that from the army.

You're not going to do that to me...

This is for the nose.

For the nose?

The inside of the nose

is the reflection of the personality.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

I will do anything you want if you don't do this to me.

You understand what I'm saying?

I will do anything you want.

But we just started.

Shit.

Getting pelfed just once ain't gonna do you any good.

You gotta go the whole ten times if you want the full benefit.

I wouldn't send anyone to see that woman.

You can learn to dig it.

I found some new kinks I never even knew I had.

God, you get off on anything, you know that?

I tell you what, good buddy.

Since you like it so well,

I'm gonna give you my last nine treatments as a wedding present. Hmm?

I don't know, man.

Maybe there won't be no wedding.

What?

To tell you the truth, I'm getting kinda worried about Barbara Jane.

Well, just wear a cup over your jock.

Maybe she's moving too fast for her own good.

She's only been here two weeks.

What, two weeks? You've known her all your life.

That was different before.

There was nothing on the line.

I'm just not sure she knows what she's doing.

Barbara Jane's...

Jeez, Barbara Jane's like a little kid.

She sees something, she wants a whammo, she just grabs it.

Be glad she grabbed you for Christ's sake.

I'm glad she grabbed me but that's not the point. Suppose...

Suppose she's just doing the same thing she did before.

I mean, forget about me. I'm not worried about me.

I'm worried about Barbara Jane.

She can be hurt.

This is the largest one we have in stock.

- Goddamn, boy! - What kind of neck is this?

We'll have to special order all the collars.

- Excuse me. - Move out of the way.

How come you couldn't have an informal wedding instead of this mess?

- Rafael, will you give me a hand? - You go with big ed,

you got to go first class.

- Till contract time. - True.

Now, who says that clothes don't make the man?

That's a well-dressed phone booth.

Hey!

This ain't no Usher's suit.

Sure it is, t.J.

Oh, shit, no! Hell, you can't bullshit this country boy.

We never wore nothing like this

when I was ushering back at a picture show back home.

- Oh, yeah? - Goddamn!

What did you wear, boy? Just a sheet?

- Mr. tiller. - I wore a pair of jeans...

- I believe we can solve your problem. - I don't like this color either.

Goddamn it! Why can't we wear a pink one

- like that one over there? - You wanna know your problem?

You've got too athletic a body.

It's big, and it's lumpy.

- Yeah. - It's disgusting.

- Are you wearing white? - Why not?

Are you sure it's allowed?

Oh, I'm still pure, as far as you're concerned.

Oh, you should have seen the way I chased after this boy.

He wouldn't even look at me.

Oh, I looked.

Never did anything else.

It's so nice seeing a couple that waited for each other.

I know I'm old-fashioned,

but I know you'll be able to give each other so much more.

Now, don't you move, darlin'. I have to get more pins.

Shake is worried.

About the game?

Nope.

He's worried that you're doing one of your numbers again.

- He say that? - Yup.

What'd you say?

I told him not to worry.

I said, "of course she's not doing one of her numbers again."

How do you know I'm not?

How do you know you're not?

Shall we play?

I got two deuces.

How come we never fucked?

Didn't we?

Now, I mean, I know I have a shaky memory, but, I don't think I would forget that...

- Sure we did. - No.

Yeah. After the baylor game, at the deke house.

That was cissy walford.

Are you sure about that?

She couldn't wait to get her pants off.

Cissy walford never wore pants,

- never wore panties. - Oh, really?

Cissy walford, no.

Well, then you know who it was. It was belinda lablada.

Belinda labada?

I abinda lablada?

Well, don't you remember her?

I remember her very well.

How could we have so much fun and not end up in bed together?

I guess we didn't want to spoil the fun.

- Don't peek. - Okay.

Two nines.

Three deuces.

Three nines.

We miss something, Billy Clyde?

I ike what?

Not doing it.

- Did we miss out? - I missed out on gettin' a divorce.

You wouldn't have married me.

You never asked me.

Would you have?

Four nines.

I call.

You don't have any nines.

Why do I always believe you?

Men!

Men! Men!

The hunt is over.

Time to piss on the fire and call in the dogs.

We're champions of our conference.

And because of what you men have done for me,

I'm going to do something special for you.

First class is open to all!

First class is open to all. Hey!

Yes, we are first class.

Here goes the end of first class!

Shaker,

you think old dreamer Tatum is as bad as they say he is?

I'd say worse.

Wonderful.

Well, I figure he's gonna be all over you like a bad cold.

Probably take your head off and shit in it.

I plan to spend most of my time tiptoein' out of bounds.

What do you say we get down to Collins Avenue

and get a couple of cheeseburgers and stick 'em down our throat?

Sounds good. Bj?

You two go. I'm still full.

Oh, you can watch us. It'll be like a Roman spectacle.

I'm tired. I don't feel like going out.

Well, shake and me will go, then.

Why don't you just go on without me?

It's okay to be scared.

I'm not scared. I'm just tired.

I was scared a whole week before I went.

I'd heard all the horror stories about beat.

I'm not scared.

Okay.

Ready to go shake 'em up?

I just don't want a phony, dressed up, horse's ass wedding.

I mean, we're only doing it for big ed,

so he can show off, and you can show off friedrich.

Getting friedrich to marry us was your idea.

And he doesn't care where we do it.

We could be alone on top of a mountain.

That before or after he gets crucified?

I don't mind that kind of wedding.

Well, how about what I feel?

It's what you feel,

and whatever you do about it's just fine.

You don't care what I want?

That's your lookout, it's not mine.

Don't you think that's pretty fucking selfish?

Of course, it is.

How else could I love you?

I'll have a bacon cheeseburger.

- Let's all have a cheeseburger. - Hey, bj.

Hey, honey, wait a minute.

I can't help it if I think you're perfect just the way you are.

I love you.

I'll go get a shirt.

He really thinks I'm perfect.

Nobody ever thought that before.

You don't think I'm perfect.

I'm just a nine to you.

Yeah.

But a perfect nine.

How come everybody's got pillows?

Well, that's something I forgot to tell you about,

but it don't matter.

I'll be right here when you come out.

You're more nervous than me.

I'm just happy.

I know what's waiting for you in there.

Assholes!

Assholes!

You're all assholes. Every one of you.

Your lives don't work!

And you're assholes because you sit here and pretend they do.

Well, this weekend we're going to show you

how that shit has gotten you exactly nowhere.

For the next 48 hours,

you're going to come face to face with the only problem you got.

Yourself.

If you think that problem's gonna disappear,

well, then you are bigger assholes than I think you are.

What will disappear

is your belief in yourself as a problem

because believing, and get this, people, get this!

Believing is shit!

Being is where it's at.

It's what this weekend is all about,

finding out that you're where it's at.

You.

Nobody else.

Finding out that what you are,

all you assholes...

Is perfect.

We gave you a list of rules when we took your money this morning.

You're gonna be here for 48 hours.

Any of you assholes have any questions?

Mary ray.

Wait for the microphone.

Why can't we go to the bathroom if we have to?

Because you can't.

Well, why can't we?

Because it's a rule. Why is it a rule?

Because...

It works.

Why can't we talk to our friends while we're here?

Because they're part of your asshole life

that comes between you and what you have to get rid of.

Any more questions?

What I want from you today are your soles.

Soles of your feet.

You can be wide awake or fast asleep.

If you stay in this room, you're gonna get the training.

You're gonna get it.

- What's "it"? - That's what you get.

How will I know when I've gotten it?

You'll know.

Suppose I know that I haven't.

That's how you know you have.

Now, you're gonna meet someone here for the very first time.

Someone you've never met before.

Yourself.

But before we do that,

I want you to meet the other people here.

Really meet them.

Not the way you meet people on the outside, which is like this.

- Tom. - Fred.

- How you doing? - Fine. How's your wife and kids?

- They're fine. - Good to see you.

- Good to see you. - Ciao.

Now let's see what happens when two people

really meet.

- Tom. - Fred.

You see? Tom is now meeting

d person.

Get it?

Now, what I want you all to do is to get up, walk around,

meet everyone else. Don't say anything.

Just meet them

and experience them as a person.

No talking!

You assholes, follow the rules! And no smiling!

No talking.

Experience the person. Meet them.

Billy.

Don't say a word.

Just experience me.

Are you getting it?

He had no right firing me.

- I was doing my job. - You wanted to lose the job.

- No, I didn't. - Bullshit!

Don't pin getting fired on your boss.

You got yourself fired, asshole.

- How? - You choose what you get.

When will you assholes learn that?

If it happened, you chose it.

- When are we gonna get a break? - When you get it.

You're a fascist! That's what you are, a fascist!

Your name isn't even friedrich, it's Irving!

Thank you.

I acknowledge that.

Rose.

I want to share something.

I just peed in my pants...

And it feels good!

It does. Thank you.

Now we're gonna do something else.

Just relax. Close your eyes.

Keep them closed,

and just...

Re... lax.

Terrific.

I want you to think of the very first time you were ever happy.

Very first time.

Now think of the very first time you ever had ice cream.

Terrific.

Experience it.

Stay in your space.

Go with it.

Just let it go.

That's it. That's it. Let it go.

Go with it. Experience it.

I hate my mother.

I hate my father!

Experience it.

That's it. That's it.

Let it go.

Go with it. Experience it.

Oh, it was just so marvelous!

Hi.

No. Oh.

Don't worry about it.

Sometimes it takes a while to understand what you got.

Shake, old buddy, I don't know how to tell you this.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

- You took the training? - Yes, I did.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was trying to put something over on you

but something happened to me in there.

I was fighting it all the way, laughing at it, don't you know.

And then...

Well, it's difficult to tell you what happened.

You son of a bitch, you've been sandbaggin' on me.

You got it.

Yes, I did. I got it.

You get it, bj?

Well, you were there, where it's at,

so if you didn't get it, you got it.

I want to go home.

Sure.

We're delighted to have with us today

the captains of the two teams,

dreamer Tatum of Dallas and Billy Clyde Puckett of Miami.

And what contrasting teams they are.

Dallas, the most powerful team in football for the past decade.

Miami, a team of wild spirits

known for their activities off the field as well as on.

We're lucky to have with us

the man who personifies that team,

the irrepressible, never dull, Billy Clyde Puckett.

Billy Clyde, how are you?

Fine, dick. Thank you and I do acknowledge that, but,

that was the way I was at one time, but you see,

the Miami team, and myself being the captain,

we have changed considerably since we got into the super bowl.

As a matter of fact, the boys are not out diddling around.

They're very serious about this game,

and I myself am studying at night and reading.

That's certainly a change. But what are you reading?

Walden. I'm reading walden now.

Bill walton?

No. Thoreau's walden.

You see, I march to a different drummer now that I'm in this game.

- Obviously... - I'm a changed ball player.

He's taking the game very seriously, I guess.

- Yeah. - You're getting ready for the game.

What do you think of Billy Clyde as a football player, dreamer?

As a football player,

I think Billy Clyde is a credit to his... his team

and that... he's the best running back in his conference

and I hope to slow him on Sunday.

Maybe softening you up a little bit.

- I'd like to thank you very much for that. - You're welcome, Billy.

- Your compliment, dreamer. - Thank me on Sunday, Billy.

And I'd like to say I'm afraid I will.

I would like to say that he is the finest defensive halfback in his league.

You both have this great respect for each other.

- Yes, we have. A lot of respect. - Lot of respect.

Dreamer, who do you think is gonna win the game?

I'll be kind to him, but we're gonna win.

Billy Clyde, what do you believe?

You don't change beliefs, you change believers.

Haven't I heard that before?

Friedrich bismark said that.

- Man, you into beat? - Yes, I am, dreamer.

- I'm into beat. - No, man.

Just got into it but I'm taking it quite seriously and...

Look, Puckett, beat is nothing but sensory deprivation jive

laid on with zen and shook up with a whole lot of Lawrence Welk.

- Beat is out. - You're entitled to your opinion.

Pyramid power's what's in. Pyramid power's what's in, man.

What's pyramid power?

It's based on the design of the great pyramid of cheops in the land of Egypt.

Man, it's a source of energy that you cannot believe.

And you expect to beat us with beat when we got pyramid power?

I never heard of pyramid power. But I'd like to hear more about it.

Well, there's all kinds of books on the subject, man.

Does this have anything to do with your game plan?

Is that what you're hanging around your neck?

That's it. That's it right there.

If you guys are gonna argue...

Settle this Sunday on the football field.

Now this is a very unusual super bowl game

and one of the many unusual features is that

the team from Miami is owned by a texan and the team from Dallas

is owned by a father and son from Newark, New Jersey.

We'll go over there now and say hello to the owners of these teams.

Congratulations on getting to the super bowl.

Congratulations.

Tell me about that.

I'll tell you what.

- The next time you're laying some chick... - Yeah.

You just place the thing under the bed.

Is that for true?

You're gonna never have energy like that, Jack.

What do you think, Billy Clyde, huh?

You did a real nice job, t.J., except you misspelled it.

- S-u-c-k-s. Sucks. - Never mind.

You come over here, Billy Clyde.

I spent all afternoon

looking in our apartment for that waldenbook.

It's in the locker room with my other books.

- Really? - Yeah.

I'm acting like a lunatic.

Yeah. A little bit.

Everybody does now and then.

You know, I really tried so hard to get it.

Maybe that's why I didn't.

But friedrich said if you stay in that room, you're gonna get it.

I think you should look at the bright side.

We're going to the super bowl. We're gonna win.

And you're gonna marry the guy you've been waiting for all your life.

Yeah.

- He makes me feel guilty. - Who does? Shake?

I've never felt guilty before about anything.

- I don't think you should lay it off on... - I've certainly felt lousy

and I've felt ashamed...

- I don't think you should put the blame... - And I wished I hadn't done what I did.

I've never felt guilty before. Now, I do.

Yeah, but you shouldn't put it off on him.

But I know he keeps telling me, "don't feel guilty."

- The more he says it... - Tell him not to bring it up.

He doesn't have to put it into words.

He makes me feel it.

But you don't.

Different jokes for different folks.

How did you get it, Billy Clyde?

Tell me. I mean, of all people.

It's almost impossible to relate to someone else.

It's almost impossible to tell anybody, even for a writer like myself.

Oh, god! Now you're never gonna think I'm perfect.

Wait a minute.

Friedrich says that being perfect is when you are what you are.

If you aren't, then you aren't.

And bj, you are what you are, so, therefore you are perfect.

Oh, Billy Clyde.

What am I gonna do without you?

Am I going somewhere?

It's not gonna be the same without old 22.

Oh, you mean you getting married.

Well, shoot, you do that all the time, bj.

Come on now, you know it's different with shake.

It's not gonna be the same.

Nothing stays the same.

Friedrich say that, too?

No.

B.c. Puckett said that.

You seem different since you got it.

Different how?

I don't know. Just...

Different.

Prettier?

Just different.

You'll find tax exemption makes all the difference.

- Really? - We're building this condominium

up around palm beach.

Wouldn't be possible without the tax break.

I wouldn't worry about it if I was you.

What?

Well, not everybody gets it.

She's just trying too hard.

- What you doing, man? - I'm a train.

No, you ain't a train. You're carrying a train.

Yeah, oh. Get it right.

I can give the benediction here,

then bismark will perform the actual ceremony.

Oh, yes, well, now, here I'll...

I'll say something about god.

That's Fred's idea. I think it's a good idea, too, Fred.

And I'll say something like,

if god happened to tell you what you were supposed to do,

well, then you'd be happy to do that, no matter what it was,

and since this is what god wants you to do,

well, then you're very, very happy.

- Well, if they are... - No, no, no, they won't kneel down.

No, no. Mr. bookman, you should go back and sit down now,

and Barbara Jane, why don't you come on up here, on the platform, all right?

Now...

Gentlemen, a word with you?

Now, remember, you'll seat the guests of the bride on the left,

the groom on the right.

How do we tell which from which?

You ask them.

Supposing they lie?

Now, I think it would be nice, shake,

if you were to, maybe say something of your own.

And, you, too, Barbara.

- Say something that's... - That's hardly liturgical.

Well, it may not be liturgical, but I think it would be very nice

- if they did that, don't you? - Well, this is not a structured ceremony,

- of course. - That's right.

It's not a structured ceremony.

Which is why, I think it would be very nice of you to do that.

So you go ahead if you want to do that.

And then we can have some music.

Yes, the boys have quite a repertory, from handel to Carrie Jacobs-bond.

We'll have some more music than, perhaps.

And then communion, if you decide to receive communion.

That's at their discretion, certainly.

That would be nice and then I think...

- I think that will wrap it up. - Would you want them to kneel?

Oh, yes, they can kneel down if they want to,

but it's not important. Not important.

Where you are is where it's at.

Quit fuck... quit fooling with my money, Billy Clyde.

Just telling her about the beat training.

You full of shit, man.

When you get it, you got to tell people.

Hey, hey, this is puddin Patterson, remember?

I'm the one that knows when you zig and when you zag without turning around.

Man, you ain't no more got beat than I got fleas.

In the immortal words of gene autry,

"how come you know me so good when I'm really a stranger to myself?"

Plus, plus, you got a bad case of Barbara Jane bookman.

Well, I always had that.

I just didn't know how bad.

Oh, man.

You don't really think you're gonna pull this hustle off, do you?

I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Why not save your best shot till the game tomorrow?

That's when we gonna need it, man.

I'll be there.

Now, why don't you practice a little kiss there?

We'll say this is at the end of the ceremony.

Kiss, there. Thank you. Now you go.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Well, nobody said it wasn't gonna be semi-tough.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

You've been in super bowl dressing rooms at half-time.

What's it like in the Miami dressing room?

Lindsey, I had a coach by the name of Vince lombardi,

and if we played as poorly as Miami did,

I wouldn't wanna go back in that dressing room at half-time.

Shit!

21 goddamn nothing!

Tutti frutties! We're nothing but a bunch of goddamn tutti frutties!

Now each and every one of us are gonna stand up here

and we're gonna look into god's eye

and we're gonna confess to the undeniable fact

that our game plan is going down the toilet.

Starting the fourth quarter, the weather is somewhat dismal,

matching the Miami performance to this point.

And a good many of the fans have started edging toward the exits

to go home to their television sets

and watch the finish of this ball game there.

And wondering why they ever left.

We have an official time-out called on the field

as the injured player is being removed from the playing field.

Punt team. Punt team, get in there.

That will be fine. Yeah. Whatever.

Just leave me alone.

Wait a minute! Look at the goddamn scoreboard.

We're getting our ass kicked.

If we can't have any laughs, why don't we quit?

Sir, they're sending in the kicking team.

- Religious, everybody... - Honey.

- Did you hear what he said about... - The kicking team is coming on the field.

- Well, I know, but... - Hooper,

on fourth and 14, you goddamn punt!

Yes, sir, but that is not the punting unit.

I believe they're going to attempt a field goal.

I understand how you feel about...

- A field goal? - A field goal.

From 60 yards?

Wait a minute. What the hell are we kicking a field goal for?

Who's kicking the field goal?

- Here! - We're kicking the field goal!

Set!

135!

Hut! Hut!

I don't believe it. A 63-yarder is good.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have just seen a new league record in field goals,

64 yards.

Let's hear a nice round of applause

to the field goal kicker, number 7,

vlada kostov!

Okay, defense!

All right, you big, tall tutti frutti,

old Billy Clyde's gonna take this one straight up your ass.

Bullshit.

Time!

What are you telling him the play for?

What do you think we got that meeting back there for, you big asshole?

He's rolling to the right side.

Looks downfield for shake tiller.

Tiller on a hook and go.

The ball is in the air,

and it is good for a touchdown in the corner.

Come on, now! Get off your ass! Stop fooling!

You are marrying him! You are marrying him!

I'll tell you one thing, Lindsey.

We've got ourselves a ball game right now, 21-16,

and Miami has the momentum. Don't go away, folks.

Shake, old buddy. You know what I'm choosing to do?

What?

I am choosing to win this fucking game.

Manning takes the snap.

He's dropping back now, throws and it is incomplete.

Incomplete and that stops the clock

with only three seconds remaining.

You ain't gonna let me have fit, are you, lord?

I'm a sinner and you're gonna fuck me.

Three seconds. Let's go! Huddle!

Forty eight toss, Billy Clyde, on two!

It's heavily overcast. The lights are on.

This is the final play of the ball game.

Hose Manning waiting for the snap now.

Put the final play into motion.

Here is the pitch. It's going to Billy Clyde Puckett.

Trying the left side.

He's going to score!

I can't believe it. Miami wins it!

Hose across for the touchdown!

Go on and do it. Do it, puddin.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Jesu.

Joy of man's desiring...

Shake, you mustn't worry that Barbara Jane hasn't gotten it yet.

- I'm not worried. - Good.

Lot of people are gonna tell you mixed marriages don't work,

and it's true because it's so.

Most of them don't.

The truth ain't always what's so.

Exactly. The truth is also... so what.

We have to look at it that way.

Barbara Jane is gonna get it, I believe that in my bones.

Sorry. I didn't mean to say "believe."

It's all right, shake. Everyone's human.

We all backslide once in a while,

get caught up in belief systems.

Friedrich, you must have known some mixed marriages that have worked

where one person had it and the other one didn't?

Oh, sure, sure. There was...

No. That... that one didn't work.

- I know... I've heard of some. - It doesn't matter.

The most important thing is that Barbara Jane has her own space.

And she needs a lot of space.

So if you give her her own space,

then you gonna have her right in the palm of your hand.

And you've got a great pair of hands, shake.

Proved that on the field.

You're gonna have the first mixed marriage that works.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as fo war.

There's also the capital gains element,

but you can always handle that by

setting up an eleemosynary trust in the Bahamas

and then laundering it back through Switzerland.

Switzerland.

Leads against the foe.

Forward into battle.

See his banners go.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as fo war.

With the cross of Jesus.

Going on before...

Look at the bright side.

After a year and a half of marriage,

the humping is over.

And you get down to your basic friendship.

You and Barbara Jane have been friends for years.

So you're way ahead of the game.

Friedrich doesn't think she's ever going to get it.

He didn't say that. Exactly.

Oh, what do you think?

I'll tell you what I think.

I think beat is one of the semi-great things that I ever took in my life.

I learned how to tell people things honestly

without worrying about hurting their feelings,

especially if they've got their own little space.

They occupy a space like I occupy my space and you occupy your space.

You don't have to worry about hurting their feelings.

All you have to do is just let it all hang out.

Okay. Let me have it.

I want the truth, Billy Clyde.

So she never gets it,

she's still the same old Barb.

How are you supposed to share something with somebody

who doesn't even understand

what it is you're supposed to be sharing?

Seems to me you've been doing all right so far.

- Marriage is different. - I acknowledge that.

It's commitment to sharing.

All the time.

Now, Barbara Jane's a girl that's used to having her own way, shake.

She's got you,

somebody who doesn't mind sharing,

somebody that doesn't mind giving.

All you've got to do is give her some space.

Barbara Jane needs a whole piss-pot full of space.

I want to go to India for our honeymoon.

Lot of space there.

She don't want to go.

She'll go, but she don't want to go.

Well, they get that way when they get to be wives.

Why don't you go to China?

It's close.

When you marry someone,

you want them to want to do things you want to do, don't you?

Maybe she'd get it if you give her a couple of kids.

Kids?

Who said anything about kids? God, we don't need any kids now.

I think you ought to give her some kids.

You got to tie her down,

put her on a short leash.

You know Barbara Jane, she's gotta have responsibility.

Now, you give her two or three kids, who knows?

Forget about Barbara Jane. I'm not ready for kids.

All right.

You want to take that chance.

Here comes the bride.

One thing about old Barbara Jane,

no matter how many times she gets hitched,

she always looks like it's the first time out of the gate.

Shake, old buddy, you've been shot in the ass with luck.

And you know why?

'Cause even if bj never gets it,

even if you have to share all your space the rest of your life,

it don't matter. You can handle it

because you're a winner.

You've got a whole winning life out there waiting for you.

Just don't think of losing.

Shall we go?

Dearly beloved, this is it.

This is all there is.

There isn't any more.

Life is a shell game without the shell.

There is nothing up the sleeve of life.

You either get life or you don't,

and if you don't,

life... gets you.

Mr. bookman.

You two have chosen to be here,

and now, Barbara Jane,

do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

To have and to hold,

to share, and be shared,

till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Marvin,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

to share and be shared,

till death do you part?

I don't.

I'm sorry, I don't.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry, Billy Clyde.

I acknowledge that.

- Are you walking out on Barbara Jane? - Yes, sir, I am.

A goddamn wide receiver walking out on Barbara Jane bookman?

I'll trade your ass to Seattle.

Tampa.

I'll put you up on goddamn waivers.

It's all right, shake. You're perfect the way you are.

You made a deal to marry and by god, you're gonna marry.

- It's all right, Mr. bookman. - All right, my ass.

Sometimes it's better to say, "I don't" than "I do."

The hell it is!

Please, young gentlemen!

Stay in your seats! Nobody leaves!

Please, young gentlemen!

Police officer! Everybody sit down!

Looks like I've been left at the altar, Billy Clyde.

Looks like.

Pick up hooper and give him some air!

Out you go.

Come on.

First marriage I ever fucked up before the ceremony.

Nobody's perfect.

Well, I guess I ought to go home and hang my head in shame.

Friedrich's right about one thing. I sure am an asshole.

Friedrich is an asshole.

Say that again!

Friedrich is an asshole.

You didn't get it?

In the immortal words of gene autry, "nope."

You son of a bitch.

There goes hooper!

I think we should get out of here before I have to hit somebody

who can hit me back.

Experience that, you asshole!

Jesus, you are rotten.

You know, I really should have expected you to pull something like this.

I haven't felt like this since you had me convinced I was pregnant.

You weren't even 10 years old.

Well, you still had me feeling guilty.

Maybe you were the one...

Is that possible?

It's possible.

You were doing it for me.

Thinking back about it now,

I do feel a little semi-selfish.

Oh, Jesus.

What a pair of assholes we are.

Semi-assholes.

Mazel tov!

- Oh, thank you. - If she only knew.

Look, if you're gonna feel guilty, why don't you feel guilty in Hawaii?

- What's in Hawaii? - Me.

It should have been you up there, huh?

No.

- You wouldn't marry me? - No.

Well, I don't like living in sin.

Well, how do you know? You never tried it.

This is true.

Well, what will we do in Hawaii?

Oh, we'll think of something.

Oh, there's gotta be something else to do.

- We'll try something else, too. - Yeah, you think so?

- Who knows? - After all these years?

Might surprise ourselves.

Pair of threes.

Pair of fives.