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1
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:16,433
Are we gonna put it back
when we're done with it?
2
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,894
Why? The only thing of value on it
is the secret treasure map.
3
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,979
The rest is just instructions for running a country.
4
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,482
-I'm pretty sure they're online.
-It just feels a little wrong.
5
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,400
Morty, are you gonna be a fucking America nerd
6
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:28,320
or are you gonna be cool
and steal the Constitution with Grandpa?
7
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,785
-Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.
-Why not just use this again?
8
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,037
[bell clangs]
9
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,669
Morty! You just destroyed the map
10
00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:46,255
and activated the giant assassin
hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
11
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,590
-I'm sorry! Wait, what?
-It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
12
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:49,716
Never trust the French.
13
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,511
Fun's fun, but now the federal
government's gonna be pissed again.
14
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:53,470
Way to go.
15
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:56,473
And on America's birthday
or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.
16
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,517
[theme music playing]
17
00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,131
[helicopter blades whirring]
18
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:34,052
Rick and Morty, you are under arrest
and surrounded by an anti-portal shimmer!
19
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,596
Come out with your hands up!
20
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,681
Well, happy Thanksgiving to me!
21
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,267
Can't wait to see what a shimmer
does to my prostate.
22
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,311
Dad, can you please just end
whatever this is?
23
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:45,522
I understand you're upset, Mr. President.
It's honestly all Morty's fault.
24
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,649
But in the meantime,
you really want to keep your army
25
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,818
of pointlessly camouflaged eagle scouts
off my lawn.
26
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,988
Don't tell me what I want,
you anti-American piece of shit! You terrorist!
27
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:56,116
You know, you use that word so much
it's lost all meaning, Mr. P.
28
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:59,328
It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist?
It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.
29
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:01,538
-Oorah!
-[gunfire]
30
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,833
[screaming]
31
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,460
[Rick] Told you to stand down.
32
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,587
You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men.
33
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,672
Might be time to look
at the terrorist in the mirror.
34
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:13,842
You want a war? I'll put your outer-space ass
in a goddamn phantom zone
35
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,719
with a bar of kryptonite soap
around your neck.
36
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,972
-You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?
-Oh. He's really pissed this time.
37
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,974
Why don't you guys just fuck
and get it over with?
38
00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,602
Well, thank you, Summer,
but I think I've got a better option.
39
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,937
-Dad, no.
-Ugh, hands are tied, sweetie.
40
00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,273
I have to turn myself into a turkey
and trick the President
41
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:30,108
into giving me
a presidential turkey pardon.
42
00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:31,943
Again? How many times have you done this?
43
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,112
I don't know, Jerry,
how many years have I lived here?
44
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,782
-Careful how you answer that.
-[Morty] Jeez. You've done this a lot.
45
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:39,159
Don't you think the President
might see it coming this time?
46
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,953
He probably will, Morty.
That's all part of the dance.
47
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,457
In the past, I've inserted myself into
the potential turkey pardonee population
48
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,377
by brainwashing the presidential
turkey wrangler prior to the ceremony.
49
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,754
But this time,
the turkey wrangler's been euthanized,
50
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,674
and the turkeys will be transported
by armored military vehicles.
51
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:57,010
Vehicles manufactured
by ghost corporations that I control.
52
00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,428
Which we have audited.
53
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,471
Allowing me access to--
54
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:00,972
-Central computers.
-To track the--
55
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,225
Real armored transports, which he can never--
56
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,559
Totally track and sneak aboard.
57
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:05,686
And even if he does,
58
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:08,563
he'll be on a truck full of turkeys,
and fully armed marines.
59
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:09,815
Who won't recognize me,
60
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:12,109
because the human eye
is inherently face blind to turkeys.
61
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:15,070
[President] Fortunately,
those marines won't have human eyes.
62
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,114
They'll have turkey eyes.
63
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,492
Jesus ever-loving Christ, why don't
you two just fuck and get it over with?
64
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:21,410
Careful, Dwayne.
65
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:24,246
You're only Vice President because I need
ten percent of the white vote.
66
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,957
There's a giant French assassin
attacking New York,
67
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,625
and you're using the war room
68
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,378
to measure dicks
with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend.
69
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:35,006
Rick Sanchez is more dangerous
than some steam-powered French bitch
70
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:37,050
and New York can handle
its own global emergencies.
71
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:39,469
General! initiate Operation Deep Gobble.
72
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,596
[country music playing]
73
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,639
[phone vibrates]
74
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:46,017
-Coop, not on Thanksgiving.
-It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.
75
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,728
-It ain't our fight.
-Baby.
76
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:50,439
That little race car driver
you got baking in your belly,
77
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,399
what world you want him rearing up in?
78
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:55,485
One where some spiky haired
Doctor Who in a lab coat
79
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,028
can change the color of the sky?
80
00:03:57,112 --> 00:04:00,866
Or a world where he can fill his pickup
with hot dogs and drive it to a jukebox
81
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,076
full of our demographic's
current favorite music?
82
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,037
-Obviously the latter, but--
-Well, that world, Mary Lou,
83
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:10,250
the one with those meals, vehicles and songs
people in this 30-mile area prefer,
84
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:13,628
that world needs a few good men,
in a secret Pentagon lab
85
00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,422
turning into turkeys.
86
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,382
You come back without feathers, Coop.
87
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,009
[both moaning]
88
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,844
God, I love this country.
89
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:24,473
Oorah!
90
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,933
♪ Got a pregnant girl
And a pick-up truck ♪
91
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,394
♪ Got one by choice
And the other by luck ♪
92
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:33,857
♪ Now it's time to turn into a turkey ♪
93
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,776
♪ I hope there can be peace one day ♪
94
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:39,070
♪ Till then, I pray my DNA
Gets backed up ♪
95
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:43,742
[man] These pills contain tracking chips
that identify each of you as individuals.
96
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,036
That will be important later.
97
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,039
[screaming]
98
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,792
♪ Gobble, gobble! ♪
99
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:55,420
♪ When I turn into a turkey ♪
100
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:56,338
[guns cocking]
101
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,595
All right, boys, search every bird.
102
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:06,181
If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobbling.
103
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,849
-Let me look at you, scum!
-[gobbles]
104
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,184
Get outta here, you wobbleneck!
105
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,937
Sarge, this-- This ain't like the simulation, man.
106
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,772
-I don't like it.
-Keep it together, Martinez!
107
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,315
Eyes are on the ground, sir.
108
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,484
-No sign of Einstein.
-Stay frosty, gentleman.
109
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:20,570
I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.
110
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:23,740
Sir, we have hacked the garage door. We are in.
111
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,034
-Eyes on the bogey.
-Or you've got eyes on a robot.
112
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,662
All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it.
113
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:31,248
[Rick] Those flesh-covered [burps] robots
should buy us some time.
114
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,708
The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck.
115
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,335
Ship, go stealth.
116
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:36,962
[loud clunk]
117
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:40,590
-Rodriguez, Fincher! Get eyes on that.
-[Rick] Huh. Turkey marines.
118
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,008
The President came to play.
119
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,052
-Jam those two radios.
-[car] Confirmed.
120
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,720
-[high-pitched sound]
-Jeez!
121
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,099
[grunts] Ha!
122
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,517
[turkey gobbles]
123
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,312
-[grunts]
-[turkey gobbles]
124
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:59,067
-Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!
-[Rick] Copy, copy, Tango, all good.
125
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,319
Just a couple of branches on the roof.
126
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,655
Don't ever turn your radio off again!
127
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,282
-We will not surrender!
-Never surrender!
128
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,867
-We will not surrender!
-[man] Oh, yeah?
129
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,410
Bring in the David Blaine box.
130
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,581
Damn, is that a David Blaine box?
131
00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,875
I told you. We should have just gone
to my parents' house.
132
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:17,127
-No, you didn't.
-Well, I didn't say it out loud,
133
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,130
but it should be well known by now
that I'd always rather be there.
134
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,423
-Oh, God! Oh, no!
-Jeez, Rick!
135
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,592
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box.
136
00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,218
-Then that confirms it.
-Sir?
137
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,804
No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez.
138
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,097
Scan the turkey truck.
139
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:32,601
Huh. That's weird. ID chips for Fincher
and Rodriguez are glitching.
140
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,520
Sanchez. I'll deal with this bastard myself.
141
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:38,189
Sir, don't be a cowboy.
You can't get re-elected dead.
142
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,649
System is calibrated, sir.
143
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,860
That pill contains
a tracking chip that will identify--
144
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,612
I know, it'll be important later.
145
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,030
[gulps] Do it!
146
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,407
[screaming]
147
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,491
[gobbling]
148
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,494
Moments from now,
the President will be pardoning a turkey.
149
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:54,581
-[turkeys gobbling]
-["Hail to the Chief" playing]
150
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,916
Homestretch, Morty.
151
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:59,794
Here comes dipshit right on schedule.
Nothing can go wrong now.
152
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,005
-[Morty] Jesus. Is that--?
-Oh, shit.
153
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,132
The president has the upper hand.
Grandpa fucked up.
154
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,759
-Sunglasses on! Act like a turkey!
-What?
155
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,302
-Are you scared?
-Act like a turkey!
156
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,223
That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir.
157
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,893
[President] It's Rick and Morty,
you useless fucking stump humper!
158
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:17,729
Sorry, don't tell ten percent
of your friends I called you that.
159
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:20,273
-Mr. President.
-Sanchez, admit it, you lose.
160
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:22,192
Say it and I'll let your loser ass go.
161
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,443
[exhales]
162
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,612
Did you try to spit in my face
with no saliva gland?
163
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,864
-Just pardon me, dick!
-Why the hell would I?
164
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,241
Because if I move to Canada,
they'll be the best country.
165
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,035
I'll peck your goddamn eyes out!
166
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,203
-Ow!
-Hey!
167
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:34,788
Shit! My plume!
168
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,749
-[Morty] Back off!
-[grunts]
169
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:40,085
-Blueberries! We got blueberries down!
-[gobbling]
170
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:42,003
Hold your positions. It's a feeding frenzy!
171
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:48,051
I can't see. I mean, I can see.
270 degrees. It's too many degrees!
172
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,762
Sir, we are losing the mental game down here.
173
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,723
[General] Keep it together, soldier!
POTUS is still in that pen!
174
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,058
[Rick grunts]
175
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,185
[gasps]
176
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,814
[gulps]
177
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:04,526
We just lost New York to France!
Pull out the president right now!
178
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,736
Gobble Tango, I want POTUS out of that pen!
179
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,114
That is an order! Locate the President's chip!
180
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,741
Roger-Roger. There he is, I got him.
181
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,994
Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
182
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,036
[gobbling]
183
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,332
-Hey, that's not me.
-Package is secure. Pull us out.
184
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,627
[computer] Reinjecting subject DNA.
185
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,007
[gobbling]
186
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:36,099
Hopping Jehovah, you look like
five pounds of shit in a whore's lunchbox.
187
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,559
You all right, Mr. President?
188
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:40,937
Yes. I am the president.
189
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,189
Clean his ass up
and get him to the war room.
190
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,526
[President] Hey! Gobble Squad!
You got the wrong guy, you morons!
191
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,778
-[gobbling]
-Look at this dumb piece of shit.
192
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,572
Gobbling away. Get back in there!
193
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,366
All right, boys, you heard the VP.
194
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:56,036
Pardon is tits up. Pack up and ship out!
195
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:02,000
As for you, Sanchez, bon appétit.
196
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,085
[gobbling]
197
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,047
Where is this elevator going?
198
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:10,717
Where all the unchosen turkeys go.
The feeding chamber.
199
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,345
[eerie noise]
200
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:18,224
-What the fuck is that?
-[President] Not what. Who.
201
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:21,269
The only thing to fear is me!
202
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,397
How the fuck does the White House
have a cloned spider of FDR?
203
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,400
It's no clone, it's FDR.
He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine.
204
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:31,821
-We asked ourselves what walks the most?
-We? You're taking credit for this?
205
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,991
-The office comes with baggage, Morty.
-[Rick and Morty yell]
206
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,202
-Rick, I'm afraid to die!
-It won't have to be for long.
207
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,037
We're due to return to human form any second.
208
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,040
-Then what?
-Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider!
209
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,793
-So in other words, be afraid to die?
-Morty, if winning an argument
210
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:49,214
-is that important to you, you were never alive.
-Time for a New Deal: Murder!
211
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,217
[President]
I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were!
212
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,469
Try having an historical administration
213
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,180
after Facebook goes online, you old-timey bitch!
214
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,348
[grunts]
215
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,141
Morty, tear open that panel!
216
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,061
How's this for a fireside chat?
217
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:06,106
[screaming]
218
00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:08,900
-Oof. You just killed FDR.
-He was a monster, though.
219
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,152
Don't mythologize him, he was a politician.
220
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:14,364
Speaking of, you kinda saved
our bacon there, so I'll make you a deal.
221
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,116
You pardon us and I'll make you human.
222
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:19,410
-Wrong turkey.
-Man, the face blindness is real.
223
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:24,833
I'd like these men
turned back into humans, please.
224
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,417
Yes, of course, Mr. President.
225
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:30,046
But I thought we already rehumanized
all the turkified marines.
226
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:34,259
I'd like these men turned back
into humans. I am the president.
227
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,927
Yes, sir. Sure thing.
228
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:39,806
Increase their strength
by one thousand percent.
229
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,100
But that wouldn't be human.
230
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:45,854
Turkeys have always been more than human.
231
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:50,191
Okay. Uh, so right there,
now I'm starting to-- [grunts]
232
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,946
I am selling New York to France.
233
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:58,616
-[gasping]
-And giving all of the money to Congress.
234
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,493
-[cheering]
-[man] A-ha! All right, yeah!
235
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:03,496
-Now that's how you do it.
-He became president today.
236
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,748
-[gasping]
-[murmuring]
237
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:08,626
That's right, murmur!
And when you're done, get me some pants.
238
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,336
If you're the president,
239
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:13,756
who the hell have we been governing
the country with for the last three hours?
240
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,510
An impostor, you good-for-nothing idiot!
You humanized the wrong turkey!
241
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,930
It's possible. We shouldn't leave
anything to chance.
242
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,934
Wouldn't want Congress
working with the wrong president.
243
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,687
A very good point, Mr. President.
244
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:30,315
Do we believe this fine feathered
collaborative gentleman
245
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,858
to be our commander-in-chief?
246
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:36,362
Or are we gonna let Mr. Cash Bar
at the Christmas Party stay in office?
247
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,489
All in favor of Turkey President?
248
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,784
You can't be serious.
You think he cares about America?
249
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:46,206
Is that why this is happening to you?
Because you cared about America?
250
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:51,336
Guards, these men are-- What is the word?
251
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:52,545
Terrorists.
252
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,215
Okay, screw this. Go, go, Sanchez laser fists!
253
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,884
Oh, shit. I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I?
254
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,178
[chokes] Okay, guy's pretty strong.
255
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:01,846
Mary Todd Lincoln!
256
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,434
Who's dead weight now, bitch?
257
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,151
[Rick] You should regain feeling
in your ass in a minute.
258
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,821
-Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle.
-Just give me some goddamn clothes.
259
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,032
Must suck to have your only
safe haven be my house.
260
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:23,910
You want your regular outfit
or should we dress you like a terrorist?
261
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,662
I don't need to be here. I'm the president.
262
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,956
Glad to hear it.
That means you can give me that pardon.
263
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:29,540
Or I could put you out with the trash.
264
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,584
What is your problem?
Why do you hate this country?
265
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,670
I hate every country in the universe, brother.
266
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,256
They're job placement programs
for politicians that invent them.
267
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:37,590
Okay, Fight Club.
268
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,468
I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on.
269
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:43,304
-You get paid to make sports metaphors!
-I clean your litterbox
270
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:47,016
so your little nerd paws don't have
to touch another nerd's nerdy poopies
271
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,852
while you're flexing your grody
little edge lord anus all over it!
272
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,854
Guys, maybe you're both right
and both wrong.
273
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:52,814
[both] Shut up, Morty!
274
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,358
You little bitch. You destroyed the Constitution.
275
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:58,528
-You're the biggest booger eater here!
-Do not talk to my son that way.
276
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:00,738
Sorry, Mrs. Smith.
277
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:03,199
The two of you
are ruining Thanksgiving. Together.
278
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,077
And you can both either come to the table
and eat food with my family,
279
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,997
or you can keep doing
what you're doing at the corner bar.
280
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,874
Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving.
281
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,294
[woman on TV]
I'm still trying to sort through this.
282
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,255
One of you wishes you had
the personal quality known as courage,
283
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,674
but the other two of you
want actual vital organs?
284
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:23,344
This Charlie Kaufman reboot
of Wizard of Oz is destroying itself.
285
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:27,390
That's why I need a brain!
I'm doing a terrible job writing this!
286
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,517
Pass the potatoes.
287
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,478
-Thank you.
-Mm-hm.
288
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:36,399
-Good green beans, Mom.
-The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz.
289
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,652
Sorry, Summer. The United States
enclosed us in a shimmer bubble
290
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,195
that scrambled my oven timer.
291
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,448
So, I guess elections do have consequences.
292
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:46,075
Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records.
293
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,328
You can blame me
once you have taxable income.
294
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:51,164
[laughs]
Yes, Jerry is a piece of shit. I agree.
295
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,833
Um, guys? What's that?
296
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,669
Paula, as you can see,
President Curtis has enacted a plan
297
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,714
to turn all turkeys in America
into hybrid super soldiers.
298
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,091
The move has 100 percent approval
from Congress
299
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,010
following its third pay raise in six hours.
300
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:04,969
Back to you.
301
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:13,061
My God, the bastard's unhinged!
There won't be a single bird left in D.C.!
302
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,897
Oh, wow, wiping out a native population
on Thanksgiving?
303
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,107
-That's never happened before.
-What did you just say?
304
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,360
Well, I associated Thanksgiving with genocide.
305
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,528
It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to--
306
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:23,946
The Crypt of the New World!
307
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,449
That could be our one chance
to turn this thing around!
308
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,243
You know about the Crypt?
Ugh, so the treasure's already gone.
309
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:32,580
Wait, is that why you were stealing
the Constitution, you old fart dick?
310
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:36,417
The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure.
But it might be our only hope. Come on.
311
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,461
But isn't the Crypt underneath D.C.?
312
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,047
The turkey President's got an army.
An actual army!
313
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,049
-And an air force! And marines!
-Slow down, Morty!
314
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,760
Walk us through every military service.
Does somebody have a pen?
315
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,763
We've got something more powerful
than every army in the world.
316
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,099
Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech,
317
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:54,685
-we could get a handful of well-trained hillbillies.
-It worked against the British. I'm in.
318
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:57,688
Birds replacing people.
319
00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:00,191
What would Johnny Cash
or Dale Earnhardt say?
320
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:04,404
He'd say it's time to walk the line
or drive very fast between two of them.
321
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,532
-We don't serve your kind here.
-Oh, my God, are you serious?
322
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,492
Read the sign.
323
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,576
He's my boss, Marvin.
324
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,996
It's okay. Mistrusting presidents
is a patriotic duty.
325
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,875
And that guy on TV isn't me.
He's a turkey infused with my DNA.
326
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:19,794
I'll be damned.
327
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:23,756
Well, I'm racist.
328
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,509
You better not be here to take my man again.
329
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,845
-Mary Lou.
-I'm poor! And pregnant!
330
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,388
With a poor person!
331
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:33,182
And I need you. And ten percent of your baby.
332
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:37,019
Now look, I know it's going
to take more than some speech.
333
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,522
But what is a speech? isn't it just a question?
334
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:43,401
And isn't that a question too?
Speeches are words.
335
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,154
Repeated words. Listed words.
336
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:49,490
Repeated lists of repeated words.
None of that matters.
337
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:55,413
You know what does matter?
Me asking you. Will you do what I say?
338
00:15:55,872 --> 00:16:00,001
Just two questions, chief. Lock? And load?
339
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,963
-They're rhetorical, sir. Lock and load!
-[cheering]
340
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,173
Lock and load!
341
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,301
[stomping]
342
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,933
Sir, we've got Rick and Morty
coming in what appears to be
343
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:20,271
an unlicensed Star Wars AT-AT.
Or as the millennials say, A-T A-T.
344
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,647
So it begins.
345
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:25,776
Gobblers! Tonight, we rise! [gobbles]
346
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,993
[voice glitches] Oh, jeez.
347
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,246
Nice driving, Sanchez.
348
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,541
-Wire's down, pen is clear.
-[President] You know the goddamn rules.
349
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:43,377
If you see something clucking or pecking,
put a buckshot in its panties.
350
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,587
[gobbling]
351
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,257
[roars]
352
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,597
[gulps]
353
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,350
[yells]
354
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:01,187
-Jesus Christ! They got Johnson!
-He got off easy.
355
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,147
Hold off the bastards!
356
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:07,485
-What now, Rick?
-Time to turn up the broiler.
357
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,237
[roars]
358
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,787
-Whoa. Is that--?
-The Crypt of the New World.
359
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,042
The treasure you were after
is this country's oldest secret.
360
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,088
One disguised by centuries
of Thanksgiving folklore.
361
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:32,176
Is that a turkey dinosaur?
362
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,594
America's original rulers.
363
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:36,973
Merciless beasts,
grazing on the flesh of cowering humans.
364
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,642
Then, in the fifteenth century,
a vessel crashed.
365
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:43,604
Two vessels, really. On board, our saviors.
366
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,315
Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.
367
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:52,363
[snarling]
368
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:57,577
[growling]
369
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,203
Oh, shit, they're gonna fight!
370
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,871
[Morty] No, wait, they love each other.
371
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,748
They were at war when they arrived,
372
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,293
but they united over their hatred of turkeys.
373
00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:09,255
And what they love even more
than each other is kicking turkey butt.
374
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,298
Gentlemen!
375
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:11,757
[speaking alien language]
376
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,342
[aliens snarl]
377
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,723
Corn!
378
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,519
[roars]
379
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:28,065
It's working! Come on, Sanchez,
let's power down the humanizer ray.
380
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,818
[squawking]
381
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,363
[gasps] Whose side are we on?
382
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,907
I don't know, but we've done enough
to pay for college.
383
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:38,326
[distant yelling]
384
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:42,705
-Look, we're almost there.
-Sorry. My turn for a surprise.
385
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,999
Damn, this guy loves arriving
from the shadows.
386
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,251
Look around,
you can't beat our ancient warriors.
387
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:50,463
Can't I? My kind has always dealt
with predators.
388
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:55,384
That's why we sleep in trees.
And that's why, in the wild, we fly.
389
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,097
Now, you must choose.
390
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,308
Fight me, or stop that weapon
391
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:06,520
from turning all of America's turkeys
into a new master race.
392
00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:09,148
You dumb dipshit, there's three of us
and two of us are spacemen.
393
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:12,443
Obviously, they're going to save America
and bring that monument home.
394
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,278
And I'm gonna kick your ass.
395
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,947
-Oh, and, Sanchez? You got your pardon.
-Aw!
396
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:18,949
Shut up, Morty! Come on!
397
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,202
-Let's go, bitch.
-So be it.
398
00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:22,286
[grunts]
399
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,124
Is it true what Turkey Man said?
That turkeys sleep in trees?
400
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:30,211
Who the hell cares, Morty?
Let's just [burps] deactivate this shit.
401
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:33,881
[computer] Calibrating. [gobbles]
Targeting all American turkeys.
402
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,009
Oh, my God, they gave it a voice?
Who is this for? We're in space.
403
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,219
[gobbling]
404
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,971
-Jeez, Rick, I guess them?
-Morty, use this carefully.
405
00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:43,140
Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire.
406
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,266
You hear me? Blue wire!
407
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,977
-Why don't we just blow it up?
-It's a national monument, fucknut!
408
00:19:47,061 --> 00:19:50,064
We just got pardoned.
You really wanna do this again next year?
409
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,983
-[grunts]
-[groans]
410
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,529
You forgot something, Turkey Man.
411
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,781
No matter what you got people to believe,
412
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,075
I'm still the goddamn president.
413
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,703
And you forget,
in the one day I've had your job.
414
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,539
I've learned ten times as much.
415
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:10,084
-I've underestimated you.
-For the last time.
416
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,377
[both grunt]
417
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,299
-[groans]
-Rick, they're not exactly primary colors!
418
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,260
Are we cool with, like, turquoise?
419
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,429
Are you kidding me, Morty?
Just cut the damn thing!
420
00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,472
-[turkey gobbles]
-Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!
421
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:28,477
[computer]
Targets acquired. Activating weapon.
422
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,312
Oh, shit! [yells]
423
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,441
Heritage destroyed.
424
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:34,984
Morty! [grunts]
425
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:38,863
Goddamn it, you had one job!
426
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,949
-[strains]
-[groans]
427
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,121
[groans]
428
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:50,332
I beat you! Look at me, you turkey-ass bitch.
429
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,001
[chuckles]
430
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:55,379
Wait, why are you. Is that a wishbone?
431
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:57,506
I wish to explode.
432
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,925
[evil laughter]
433
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:07,641
-[man 1] The Berlin Wall has come down.
-[man 2] It's called the PlayStation.
434
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:10,436
-[man 1] The winner is Shakespeare in Love.
-[man 2] PlayStation 2.
435
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,105
-[man 1] Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana.
-[man 2] PlayStation 3!
436
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:15,357
-[man 1] This is Maroon 5.
-[man 2] PlayStation 4!
437
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,651
-[man 1] The Cubbies Win!
-[man 2] I want a PlayStation 5.
438
00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:20,571
-[gasps]
-I wasn't sure when to pull you out.
439
00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:22,615
I assumed you were running through
your whole life.
440
00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:26,202
Yes. And what a life it was.
441
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:29,789
Gentleman, thank you once again
for saving this nation.
442
00:21:29,872 --> 00:21:31,707
[speaking alien language]
443
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,167
I don't speak googa.
444
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,503
The CIA only taught me
your activation phrase.
445
00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:39,757
But if I could say anything,
I'd say give America one more chance.
446
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:46,514
[roars]
447
00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:49,266
Oh, my God, they're gonna fight,
they're really gonna fight.
448
00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:51,519
[Morty] Aww, they love each other!
449
00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:53,395
-Never gets old.
-I'll never get tired of that.
450
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,898
So, after those aliens discovered America.
451
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,233
They went into hibernation,
452
00:21:57,316 --> 00:22:00,694
leaving us the technology we use
to lead the free world.
453
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:02,696
That, and also to do stuff like slavery.
454
00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:05,324
I always thought
we were more special than that.
455
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,201
Like we invented everything
and did everything,
456
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:10,579
and that's why we own everything.
Now, I don't know what to feel.
457
00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:13,707
Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.
458
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:15,626
[theme music playing]
459
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:48,033
-[baby babbles]
-I know, baby.
460
00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:50,744
Coop, honey, should we get
Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz?
461
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:54,498
-You know we can't afford either.
-Baby, the president owes you.
462
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:55,541
You saved him!
463
00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:58,419
Ain't his fault our insurance got cut.
They gotta build missiles.
464
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,630
[scoffs] Fine, just.
Can y'all hold Jakey for a second?
465
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:07,761
-[high-pitched sound]
-[muffled gobbling]
466
00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:09,471
[baby crying]
467
00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:14,476
-[man 1] The hell's he doing?
-[man 2] I think he's foraging.
468
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,520
Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey.
469
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:18,939
[man 1] Well, I refuse to pay
for this man's healthcare.
470
00:23:19,023 --> 00:23:20,774
[baby continues crying]
37585
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