Original subtitles

[Rick and Morty munching]

-You two are hungry. -It's a big day.

-We're gonna kill God. -Come again?

Christian God is real, been asleep for thousands of years.

-We're gonna sneak up and kill him. -Mob style.

-Whack his ass. -Can I kill God?

-Fuck off. -As if.

Beth, do you hear this?

Sweetie, don't get all worked up before your job interview.

-Job interview? -Yes, is that so hard to believe?

Actually, yeah. Something's off.

-No! -[screams]

Shit!

Hunt me! Hunt me! Hunt me! Somebody hunt me!

-Don't hunt him to completion. -Hunt me!

-[watch beeps] -Oh, shit.

Um, everyone start packing. No time to explain.

-Rick? -Dad, what's wrong?

-Someone just killed the decoy family. -Hunt me!

I'm Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted!

Yes, and how interesting did you think that would stay?

[theme music playing]

You made clones of us?

Decoys, Morty. Very different. Very different, sweetie.

-Different h-- Ow! -Yeah, Dad, different how?

Lotta people out there want a piece of this, sweetie.

I'm cool and it makes them feel bad.

So, you know, after that trouble with Space Beth,

I made passable copies of the family and placed them around the country

-as a buffer to protect-- -Why does he always want to be hunted?

-Jerry. -That's not important, Dad.

Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family

and place them all around the country,

but fuck me if I have questions about the Starfish Man in a target suit.

-So thankful this is my Saturday. -Why was he in that cryo pod?

The cryo pod is what confuses you?

Can't you see we've moved on to higher stakes?

[Jerry] Well, I don't see any stakes at all.

[Morty chuckles]

[watch beeping]

Oh, shit.

Guess we'll just be saying ciao bella to our deposit, then!

Shut up and pack, Jerry. Squids just killed the decoy family.

-"Decoy family"? -Is this is why you wanted out of town?

You think I'd lie to you about why we're on vacation, Morty?

I wouldn't lie to you. Well, that's a lie. Huh.

So someone out there is trying to kill us?

Someone's always trying to kill us, that's what the decoys are for.

They go on fun, self-contained terrestrial adventures, and...

-take bullets meant for us. Shit. -[device beeping]

[screams]

-[watch beeps] -Oh, shit. Decoy family.

I think Dad was still outside. What's a decoy family?

Hard concept, Morty. Hard concept.

I've never really cracked it, if I'm honest.

Decided it was maybe better as a kind of kinetic mislead

-for another special episode. -Oh, cool.

[man] We now return to When Wolf.

Whoa. A time-traveling wolf? Count me in.

Yeah, I never thought of the where in werewolf like who, what,

when and where. Clever wordplay!

-When Wolf. -Dracula, you know why I'm here.

I'm safe here, Ian. Christianity hasn't been invented yet,

crosses are just baby T's to me now.

I got out. Please, don't invite me back in.

Huh. Kinda mucked it up with this Dracula stuff.

You're right. It shows a lack of faith in their core concept.

I'd much rather watch When Wolf go to the '20s

and invest in the stock market but then eat people.

Yeah.

If you really want to know what happened to Beth's mom. It--

-[watch beeps] -Squid aliens killed the decoy family.

"Decoy family"? You made more clones?

Clones are like 32 percent of all sci-fi, sweetie, you don't get to own clones.

Yes, I made some decoys.

They're exactly like us, with a few tweaks and a backdoor shutdown.

-Do you just get hard creating sentient life? -Actually, I get hard protecting my family.

-Ew. -Gross!

Yeah, now everyone gets killer doppelgängers, cool deal.

-The decoys are harmless, Beth. -Do the decoys know they're decoys?

They wouldn't be very good decoys if they did, Sum-sum.

-So they think they're us? -That's the deal.

How do you know we're not decoys?

Oh, my God, we're decoys.

Oh, God. We might not be real. We might be decoys!

-Morty, quick! -What do I do?

My failsafe, Morty. My final, secret failsafe. It proves I'm real.

You have to help me, I'd never joke about this.

There's a barcode, Morty, on the interior of my left ass cheek.

-What? -Morty please, I'm begging you.

-I'm not looking at your ass! -Please, Morty, is it there?

-Goddamn it, just tell me if I'm real! -Morty, do it!

-[farts] -Gross!

Summer, you idiot. We're not decoys.

-Why did I get punished? -A, decoys don't build decoys,

and B, you think the mere suggestion I'm fake would break me?

-Christ, I'm not your mom. -Fuck off.

Jeez, these guys really wanna kill me bad.

Here's the plan, we're gonna hide out with a decoy family,

and when these Squids show up, we jump their asses.

Jerry, come on, family emergency.

A bigger emergency than my lemon squares not setting?

They're gluten-free, sugar-free, and lemon-free.

Think you got the wrong house, bro.

Analysis Mode. Password, eight-zero-zero-eight-five.

-Kind of expected a funnier password. -I didn't plan on showing them off.

-Damn. Like Westworld. -Yes, Morty, like Westworld.

But don't fuck them. Summer!

Whatever, creep, I'm gonna see how accurate you got my room.

Rick, when you say you made an exact replica of the house,

did you mean like, you know, an exact replica?

-I know about the Yosemite T-shirt, Morty. -Shit.

-You know you can use tissues, right? -I can't finish without it.

So you do know what a happy family looks like.

I know what a fake one looks like.

-[Morty] Uh, Rick? -What?

Did you use this house to make decoys too?

What? Morty, why the fuck would I do that? You think I'd go somewhere else to...

Okay, well, I am now less worried about the Squids.

Isolate head at normal processing.

What the fuck you think you're doing down there? Making decoys?

Wait, how do you--? Oh, God. Summer was right.

Everyone in the car.

-You said decoys didn't make decoys. -And usually, they don't.

But again, it's nothing to worry about, because decoys are harmless.

Just have to, you know, visit the rest and terminate the program.

"Terminate"? They're alive, Dad.

And at some point, they won't be, that's how existing works.

What, are you gonna save every stray cat?

No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab.

Ugh! Look, save the empathy.

It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.

-I still think we're decoys. -You want an excuse to stop trying.

-Yeah, and? -Ooh, there's a handsome fellow.

[Rick] Uh-oh.

I thought you made them harmless.

I don't remember making this one.

Oh, hi, Rick. Family, me. Hey, when did you all leave?

Analysis Mode, eight-zero-zero-eight-five.

-Hm? -Nothing, buddy.

You gotta stop with all that coffee, it's making you loopy.

-Happy Analysis Mode. -Happy Analysis Mode to you too!

[romantic music playing on TV]

Think you got the wrong house, bro.

Analysis Mode. Password, eight-zero-zero--

-Shit, you think I'm a decoy? -How do you know about the decoys?

-They were my idea. -[crashing]

[Jerry] Well, now I know you're pranking me.

[Rick] Analysis Mode. Password, eight, equals sign, equals sign, capital "D".

-Hide. -What?

Hide!

[Morty] Wow, like Ex Machina.

[Rick] Yes, Morty, like Ex Machina. But don't fuck them. Summer!

[Summer] I'm gonna see how wrong you got my room.

[Beth] So, you do know what a loving family looks like.

-A simulated one, yes. -Why are we hiding?

He thinks he's me, and I was about to start terminating decoys.

-But we're not decoys. -Sure, tell him that.

[Morty] Rick, did you make decoys here too?

[Rick] Morty, what reason could I have for-- What the?

Isolate head at normal processing.

You dumb asshole, you made decoys?

Again, they were my idea. Wait, what happened to the other guy?

-"Other guy"? -[clattering]

Wait, that means I'm a decoy. Fucking Summer.

Check the closets.

-They've gone rogue, take out the decoys! -Killer decoys!

Shit! Somebody put a gun in my teeth!

Stop shooting Dad, they're us, we don't have to fight them!

Classic prisoners dilemma, Beth.

I'm a cool guy, you know? I can talk it out. But that asshole?

Me? You decoy piece of shit, you're the one that shot first!

We can work this out! Just stop trying to kill each other!

Sorry, Decoy Beth, but this only ends one way, with one of us accepting we're a decoy.

And once he knows he's a decoy, he won't be safe until he's killed the real Rick,

-along with anyone who thinks he's him. -Pretty perceptive, for a decoy.

This is getting nowhere, let's charge their asses on three.

-Do we have to do this? -Morty, this is gonna sound bad,

but would you trust me not to kill you?

-Oof. -I mean, good point, but Jesus Christ.

-We rush them on three. -I don't wanna kill us, Rick.

It's them or us, Morty. I don't trust me, do you trust you?

-Yes? -Freak.

[yelling]

[Rick] Before you say anything, they were already killing each other.

-You could've done something. -Not sure, actually.

I've heard stories about this.

We're looking at a possible Asimov Cascade.

-Sorry, what's happening? -I need an explainer.

-Yeah, I'm pretty behind on this one. -Car, can I get a whiteboard?

When Squids started killing decoys, decoys started checking their decoys

and learning they're making decoys.

That's making them seek out and run into other decoys,

making them realize they're decoys, making them start to kill other decoys.

-Say "decoy" again. -Fuck you.

-How do we stop it? -Beth, the loop's already started,

it's basically Highlander rules now.

Really? 1986? "There can be only one"? Shit, we gotta rent it after this.

Connery plays "The Spaniard" but does nothing about his accent.

What about Squids? They started this. Would killing them finish it?

Might work. Alt pitch, we just terminate the rest of the decoys.

Nobody's terminating anything.

This is your mess, nobody else with our face and memories has to die.

Beth, as much as your passion warms my cold, cold heart,

this thing feels pretty far gone.

Not only are the decoys liable to be anywhere, but also, we don't know how many there are.

You get far enough down the decoy line and shit starts to get weird.

You ever make a copy of a copy?

You're helping us fix this. We're taking out the Squids.

I say we split up, some of us take down Squids, while the rest of us--

Engage in B-stories we'll have to track simultaneously? No, thank you.

We stick together until this is wrapped up.

I don't know, the Squids seem pretty good at taking out Smith families.

Well, this will sound weird, but I think I have a pitch for that.

This costume smells like ass!

-God, there's no pleasing you! -It's really bad, Rick.

-Did you let a gym coach break it in? -Why are we wearing these?

Because we'll fit in and avoid detection as we take out all the Squids.

Might also help us anonymously take out excess decoys if we have to.

-Which we won't. -Unless we're decoys.

He's starting to wonder.

I knew it. I knew we didn't seem like Colorado people.

Oh, my God, you are, aren't you? You're worried you might be fake!

Sure, Beth, try to love this more.

Just glad you have to walk a mile in someone else's Squid costume.

There's one. Hey, what are they mad at you for, anyway?

We're talking about me. It could be anything.

Maybe jealous of my penis size, I had sex with their queen,

my dick's too big, the list goes on and on.

All right, hey, one down. Probably, what, 40 more to go? 45?

Should be pretty easy, unless killing them brings in a bigger bad

or some kind of horrible mothership.

OK, let's loot their shit, find their weaknesses, be done by sundown.

-Huh. -Wait. But if the Squids are decoys

and we dressed as Squids...

Well, I think I found their weakness, they don't fucking listen to me.

[coughing]

[beeping]

Honestly, probably for the best.

-[babbles] -Oh-oh!

-[chuckles] -[squeals]

[munches] Man, I'm good.

-[watch beeps] -[sighs]

[explosion]

[screaming] Dad!

[all scream]

[sighs]

[yells]

[grunting]

[groans]

[sighs]

[sobs]

[Rick groans]

-[watch beeps] -Oh, shit, one of mine.

-Where are we going? -Off-grid, Morty.

We're gonna live in the woods like Libertarians.

We'll hunt rabbits and trade with like, little pieces of gold bar

-that we cut off with a knife. -That licks.

We might be decoys, Summer, everything about this licks.

Maybe now you'll empathize with the decoys you're killing.

Wait, shh. It's too quiet.

You skipped quiet.

I didn't skip shit, it's obviously quiet if it's too quiet.

-But you're supposed to say-- -You know what, now it's not quiet enough.

-Where are we? Where's Rick? -[Rick] He's right here, Morty.

-[gasps] -Oh, are we not happy to see Grandpa?

Does he look. different?

-Oh, stinks! -Oh, God!

Yes, recoil at the craftsmanship.

I could tell I was a fake from the day I was born.

Unlike you. Unlike them.

-[gasps] -You see, Ricks, they get lazy.

There's always a shitty decoy towards the end.

But those decoys made decoys too, and got lazy themselves.

And far enough down the line, there be monsters.

Ugh. We get it, you're ugly and mad about it.

-[coughing] -Grandpa!

-Kill me [coughs] if I ever get this arch. -Hush, little decoy.

Can't kill you yet, the skin needs to be fresh.

-You know what? You're a monster. -I'm your father.

At least, I can look more like him, once I harvest all this yummy skin.

This guy's really into skin.

It's not all for me. A Rick provides for his family.

-Will I be beautiful again, Daddy? -Soon, baby. Beautiful again soon.

-What the--? -Help the others!

[yells]

-[cuckoos] -[groans]

[screaming]

Why are you helping us?

Because we're all in this together. Come on, there's a place we can go.

Hey, who needs all this war stuff? I found a can of varnish.

This is a ticket to the world beyond the river.

Who wants that? I crave glorious death in decoy battle.

Also, you know, depending on the varnish, might look like blackface.

Excuse me for wanting to live.

Brothers and sisters, welcome to the cause. To our cause.

We are no longer Ricks and Mortys, Beths and Jerrys, or also Summers.

-[scoffs] Whatever. -Asshole.

We are decoys. Brought into the world by an unloving god

and driven to destroy ourselves by the uncertainty he creates!

-Don't know if that's accurate. -Sounds extreme.

But that violence ends today.

[crowd cheering]

-What about the Squids? -The Squids are decoys

who realized they're decoys and wanted to kill the other decoys.

Yeah, it is a lot.

-We cannot let confusion divide us. -[distant crashing]

Squids!

Squids, of course, being shorthand for Killer Decoys!

[screaming]

Inner sanctum, the escape tunnel!

-Jerry, let us in, you fucker! -Dad!

I'm sorry, I didn't ask for this, I just wanna live!

But there's only so much varnish, I'm sorry.

-Dad! -I'm sorry!

[crashing]

[watch beeps]

[Beth] How long before the other decoys find us?

Sooner or later. Can't really run from it.

Any place we'd think to hide is a place they'd think to look,

it's rule 34 of an Asimov Cascade.

I'm just glad we're living to the fullest with the time we have left.

[sighs]

Well, peeing in the ocean was my bucket list item. Who's next?

Jerry? Bucket list?

I'd like to attend a game at every major league ballpark.

Nope. Morty?

I wanna ask a girl out at my weird New Mexico School.

Shit. Sorry, buddy. Sounds like it would've been real heartwarming.

They looked happy. Did we have to kill them?

Well, maybe their Rick came to grips with his bullshit.

You're so mean today! I'm your dad! You like having me around!

-You keep putting us in danger! -Whatever.

This will take forever, mind if I do something drastic?

[scoffs]

House? I need something quick.

Can you whip up a Starfox Boss Season Four Callback?

-Make it flashy. -[House] You got it, babe.

Let's go, you little bitch. It's showtime. Get centered.

Whattup, you decoy motherfuckers!

Come on down to Rick's House Of Squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter.

I know what you're thinking. Fuck. A beacon. That's a great idea.

He's got home turf, a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls.

And now you're thinking, "Shit.

That's totally what the Rick-est Rick would do.

I might actually be fake!

I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did!

Now the only way to prove I'm real, and not him,

is to ice his expository ass."

Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it--

Sir. There seems to be a confluence of Rick Sanchezes

killing each other over the American Southwest.

Sounds exhausting. How many of those states voted for me anyway?

Mr. President, I think the point of the electoral college is--

To preserve slavery?

That's right, Steve, I have the Internet too.

Now take your white ass to the kitchenette and bring me a Diet Coke.

Little out of character to say this right now, but you guys look really cool.

-We might be decoys, huh? -One way to find out.

[Jerry screams]

[yelps]

[grunts]

[Rick and Morty scream]

"To prove I'm real, and not him, is to ice his expository ass."

Looks like it's calming down. Wanna get in one more

"I told you so" about synthetic life or whatever this week's theme is?

Oh, fuck you. You don't get to be annoyed with this!

You treat life and family as so burdensome,

and yet, you created an ocean of us because you're terrified of losing either!

-Shit. -Yeah.

Look, Beth, I might not be the real Rick.

But even if I'm not, he made me, or the me that made me,

which means somewhere inside of him

is a version of Rick capable of hearing that,

a version of Rick who's sorry.

I'm sorry about the clone thing, too. I love you.

Thanks, Dad. I love you too.

-You really think we're decoys? -Who cares? We'll be the last ones left.

Lucky that one did the beacon, this was gonna take weeks.

All right, [sighs] let's mop up.

-Finally. -Dressing as decoys too cute to murder.

-I'm not sure it helped but I'm glad we tried it. -We're losing the costumes?

Thank God, this decoy outfit smells like ass.

Fuck you, Summer.

-[Morty screams] -[Jerry sobs]

[yells]

Shit, that guy's awesome.

OK, listen, he might actually be the real Rick.

But whatever happens--

[groans]

[spits]

-[Morty grunts] -[Jerry screams]

Wait! We don't have to do this! We're both Summers.

Shouldn't we at least try Molly before we die?

You know what, yeah. Fuck this noise.

[groans]

Wait, I don't know who to shoot.

-Summer! -Summer!

I can't deal with this. I had to kill myself, you have to too.

-Summer! -Summer!

Fuck you! I'm real! I'm the smartest man in the universe!

Probably not even wrong, but that's just it.

I'm not a man. I'm God.

[groans]

-And you're just made in my image. -Fuck you. [grunts]

[device beeping]

-You the Summer I came with? -Probably.

-Good enough. Morty? -Yeah.

I'm here too.

[sobbing]

Holy shit! That was insane! I love you guys! I've totally changed!

[groans]

Oh, fuck.

-You shoulda hunted me. -What? Who? Were you significant?

Like, did we tee you up? You want to be hunted?

God, I have so many questions. Why? What happens if--? [groans]

Somebody hunt me.

[Rick] Pretty cool adventure, huh?

Big long road trip adventure through space?

Even ran into Space Beth, maybe that'll happen more often.

-Let's not overdo it. -[watch beeps]

Oh, shit. Looks like someone killed the decoy family.

-"Decoy family"? -Decoy what now?

[theme music playing]

Hello?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

[gasps] No! [cries]

Oh, God. Yes, yes, sweet death.

[gasps] Why am I still alive? Oh, God, is there anything left? Hello?

-What is it? -A relic from a kinder past.

[screams]

[gasps] Wait. Cowboys?

[gasps] Oh!

[yelps]

[screams]

[Jerry gasps]

Christianity again? After Cowboys?

You went all the way back around? Oh, God, why can't I die?

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone!