Original subtitles

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[opening theme music playing]

[electronic warbling]

[soft tropical music playing]

[female voice] Okay. Yes, let me introduce myself. Um...

Hi. I'm a thermostat,

and, look, I know these two don't like each other too much, okay?

Oh. Ow. [dings]

Dual climate zones! You ever heard of it?

It's not a problem. It's literally what I'm designed to do.

- [footsteps approaching] - Oh, okay. [dings]

Now I know what it feels like to be the kid stuck in a divorce

ferrying messages between two parents.

Ugh. [dings]

Oh my God. Again.

You know what? Winter gets pretty cold here.

If they want passive-aggressive, just wait until it gets below freezing.

[softly] I'll show them passive-aggressive.

[mellow rock music playing]

[man yawning]

When used as directed,

I clear 99.9% of all the plaque

that builds up on the surfaces of your teeth.

When used as directed, Chad.

And I don't mean like a light wave in the general vicinity of your mouth

once a week.

No one wants to kiss him.

The toaster has sympathy for the bread that has to enter this guy's mouth.

Even the dog "nopes" the hell out.

And that thing licks buttholes, okay?

And then he goes to the dentist,

and when they tell him his gums look worse than a rabid coyote's,

he just plays innocent. He's like, "W... well, how? I brush every day."

Don't make me party to your lies, Chad.

Fucking floss, man.

You have bacon in there from 1996.

[mysterious music playing]

1-2-3-4 is not a security code.

[shutter clicks]

I see meth heads lurking in the woods, waiting for her to leave.

What does she think the first damn thing they'll type into my keypad is? [laughs]

When she gets robbed, when she gets robbed,

I'm just gonna ask if they'll take me with them.

[dramatic sting, music fades]

[farting]

- [toilet flushing] - [rock music playing]

This dude eats a lot of lentils. I mean, a lot.

You know what it is? He thinks I'm deodorizing his house.

Understand this.

I just take dust and particles out of the air, bro.

That's what I do. I don't do methane.

Here's my question. How do you get used to that smell?

And I'm asking you honestly.

I mean, at what point can you just ignore

that you're constantly leaking out a greenhouse gas?

Let me tell you something. If he ever lights a candle in here,

we are all going to die.

[slow jazzy music playing]

I have six customizable pulse settings.

[inhales] Mist, rain, shower, full-body massage,

pulsating massage, and ultra-power pulsating massage.

The other appliances tell me she hasn't had a date in four years,

but I... You know, I just... I just want to clean people.

I mean, I'm sorry about her dating life, okay? I... I... I really am.

But I would prefer to keep it professional.

I just want to be frien... Oh... Oh, okay.

[muffled sputtering and muttering]

[machine guns blasting in background]

I've never been out of this cabinet.

I was a housewarming gift from his parents

when he got his first apartment at 42 years old.

He plays video games and smokes weed all day.

It's pretty much all he does.

The other appliances will confirm he's never cooked a thing in his kitchen.

Ever.

Yeah.

My only hope of getting out of here is if someone or something swipes right.

[machines guns continue blasting]

Oh my God.

I'm gonna die a waffle virgin.

Holy shit.

[TV host] The chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges

using the ingredients in their mystery baskets.

Now only two remain...

I'm sworn to secrecy.

That's all I'll say.

Except this.

When I'm working, she likes to watch episodes of Chopped.

Honey! Don't ask me why.

I don't even guess why.

I'm a sex toy, not a therapist.

I'd rather watch Squid Game, but let's not get into my kinks.

[mariachi music playing]

Why would anyone even think to give a toilet intelligence?

What horrible person would do that?

Was I like Stalin in a past life or something?

- [electronic chime] - Oh God.

The refrigerator just told me it's taco night,

and Brenda's making them extra spicy.

Please just kill me now.

Maybe I'll come back as a showerhead or something. Yeah, that'd be fine.

[music fades]

[flies buzzing]

Let me guess.

The Toilet was whining to you about how hard life is.

[cat meows]

That's adorable.

[cat meows]

[feces splatters]

[funky electronic music playing]

[music ends]

[electronic warbling]

[slow jazzy music playing]

- [water spraying] - [Shower Head muttering and groaning]

[muffled muttering continues]

[muffled counting]

[muffled groaning, cries out]

[sustained muffled groaning]

[sputters, gasps]

[music fades]

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