All language subtitles for How.to.Be.Single.2016.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-RARBG

There is
a right way to be single.

Hey. How are you?

Hi.

Oh, when's your wedding?

Eighteen months after
I meet the right guy.

Okay.

And a wrong way
to be single.

And then there's this guy.

Good morning.

Hi. You want a hand with that?

We're embarrassed
to admit we're single,

and try to pretend
that we're not.

We need you
in Exam Room 3.

We're supposed
to act all cheerful

and happy about it.

What?

But why should we
be embarrassed?

We're living longer,
marrying later,

and refusing
to leave the party

before we're really,
really done.

So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?

Where's home?

Oh, I'm not going home.

No way.

Shit.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Here, here.
Oh, my God, oh, my God...

I gotcha. Here you go.

I did not think this through.

I'm Josh.

I'm Alice.

But this story
isn't about relationships.

It's about all those
times in between

when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.

This isn't a break-up. Okay?

We're just taking
some time apart.

It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.

Bullshit!

Josh, I've never
been on my own.

I went from living
with my parents,

to living in a dorm,
to living with you.

But we're happy, Alice.

Are we? Yeah.

Or are we just boring?

I'm not boring.
I'm fucking fun.

I say I'm gonna
do things all the time,

and I never, ever do them.

Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class

or I'm gonna hike
the Grand Canyon,

and I never, ever do it.

That's not my fault.

You said the boots
made your feet hurt.

Look, if we really want
this to work long term,

I need to know who I am alone

and I don't want to spend my
life wondering "What if?"

This is stupid.

The minute you walk out of here

you're gonna realize
how much shit I do for you

and how great I am

and how much you need me,

and you're gonna
start stalking me.

And that's sad.

This is gonna be
great for both of us.

Yeah.

We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.

Can't you just fuck
one of my friends?

Just do something
to make me hate you.

This is gonna be
the right thing.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna miss your boobs.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Does this make it work?

Yes! Yes.

There, good. Good.

No. No, no.

Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm cooking you breakfast!

No, okay. I don't do breakfast.

Right? You need to get out!

You're in my apartment!

Put the...

This is not my apartment.

Fuck. Sorry.

I might be a little drunk.

Oh.

I might actually wipe
my fingerprints off that.

You were great last night.

Was I?
I can't remember.

Okay, let's go to
your happy place.

What if I poop?

I won't even notice. Oh, God.

It's totally natural.

Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?

How many babies have you had?

Well, I've delivered
about 3,000 of them.

Didn't you want one?

You know what?

I just felt like society

doesn't let you
pursue your dreams

once you have children.

And I didn't feel like

I wanted to give up my identity

to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.

Plus, your body falls to shit,

and you have
no time to exercise

and forget about sleep for
the rest of your life, right?

Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!

No, I can't.
My body went to shit.

My body went to shit. It did.

And my vagina's
so loose, already!

Let's push! Okay.

Yay!

Is that poop or a baby?

It's not a baby.

Robin? This is Alice,
our new paralegal.

Will you give her
the tour, please?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Alice.

Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

Yeah. Oh, sorry, my hands
are a little bit creamy.

Okay. All right.

Welcome to the law firm
of some guy,

some other guy,
and some Jewish guy.

Just kidding.
They're all Jewish.

I'm really excited to be here.

This was actually
one of my top choices.

That closet there,
is really good

for making personal calls.

But whatever you do, do not
hook up in this copy room.

One, it's just,
like, so cliche.

And two, there's
a security camera.

Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now

because recently, I actually...

Uh, yeah, I know
what you're thinking.

They do record the footage.

So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,

I'd recommend
hooking up in the...

You'll never know our secrets.

You'll never know!

Whoo!

Excuse me.
That's none of your business.

You're kind of making it
my business, here.

Look, I just moved in
upstairs and my Wi-Fi sucks.

So, if I have to listen
to every drunk asshole

stumble out of here
at 5:00 a.m.,

I'm at least gonna use
your free Internet.

Wow. Okay, hi. Um...

I'm Tom. And... Hi.

If you're gonna be
using my free Wi-Fi,

at least you can do me a favor

and not write shit like,

"I want to wake up
with my best friend."

Unless you want
my dick to fall off.

And then maybe we could
become best friends,

and that'd be awesome.

Look, I spent half of last
year creating an algorithm

that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates

and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.

So, I know
what I'm looking for.

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

What are you
really doing online?

I mean, you're a pretty girl.

This is New York City.

There's like a billion
people outside that door.

Yeah, but how many
eligible people?

Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.

Sounds like a lot, right?

It does.

But, half of them are women.

And as hard as
I tried in college,

I don't swing that way.

How hard did you try?
Let it go.

Okay.

So, four million men.

And then you got to
have some age limits.

Let's say over 20.
Gotta keep it legal.

Under 40. Keep it sexy.

Now, it's a million.

Right. We're talking
about a million guys.

But half of them are married.

10 percent are gay.

I want someone
college educated.

Not too ugly.

So...

There's your boyfriend.

I wish.

He's got to be
taller than me...

And he's got to want kids.

So, yeah, I'm on 10 different

dating websites to
increase my odds.

So, what do you say?

You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room

and I won't call the cops every
night with a noise complaint.

Okay. Very cute.
These are the women?

Hmm.

Thanks.

Mmm. Mmm.

See you around.

Stupid.

Um, have a nice night.

Wait. What?
Where are you going?

I'm going home.

What?

I never want to
hear you say that again.

Ugh!

You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!

You shouldn't even have a home.

You should just
have 500 square feet

where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.

Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.

We're just on a break.

Uh, there's no such thing as
a "break," Season-3 Ross.

No, we really are on a break.

We're just taking
a little bit of time apart

to make sure we really
want to be together.

Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?

No.
Why didn't you say anything?

I could've made you
take a half-day!

It was my first day at work.

Rumspringa!

What? No! Where
are we going?

Ask me for a rum and Coke
if you think you're gonna die.

Get out of here!

Uh,

you said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.

You know, please.

No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.

Cross off some things
on the bucket list.

So, what is on
your bucket list?

Usual stuff.

Uh, Wrigley Fields. Mmm.

Dolphin Trainer. Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

Loved, since forever.

Wow, no, no, you know,
because the normal ones

are already checked off,
you know?

Mmm-hmm. Hot Carl.

Dirty Sanchez. Yeah, that's...

Golden Shower. That one, Oh.

I actually checked off
by accident.

Thank you, prom.

So, these aren't career
goals or life goals.

These are more sexual things.

Have you ever heard
of the Whack-a-Mole?

Rum and Coke.

Rum and Coke? Really?

I didn't think you'd want to do

a Rum and Coke with
me on our first date.

Um, rum and Coke?
I got to find a live hamster.

So, I guess I could
trap a street rat.

I mean, we are in New York.

Rum and Coke!
I got to go shave my legs.

Drink more water.

Oh. Okay.

Yo.

Go lock yourself in my office.

Thank you.

Here we go.

Let me teach you
how to be single.

Okay, lesson one.
Go get us some drinks.

Okay.

No. That was a trick.

You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.

It's kind of like a sexual
currency that they use,

so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.

So, go get us a drink.

Okay.

Not... Not with this wallet.

Okay. With the sausage wallet.

Which of you is
buying oil right now?

Do you know how much...

Hey, what's up, y'all?

I don't know why
I just said "y'all."

"You all" would have
taken just as much time.

And I'm not even
from the South,

I'm from Portland.

Which is southern from Canada.

Are y'all Canadian?

I just did it again,
I said it again.

My system should have
weeded him out.

You probably read
your data wrong.

I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.

You just didn't
want to hear it.

I tell the truth
to girls all the time.

They hear what
they want to hear.

That sounds like
a load of crap.

I'm not kidding. Watch this.

Hey, sweetheart. Hey.

Hi.

Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?

Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,

so I think I'm gonna
start seeing other people

and I think you
should move on, too.

Because I care about you,

and I don't want
to see you get hurt.

Oh, I care about you, too.

Yeah. Hmm.

Wow.

You guys are super
dressed-up. Funeral?

Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

That was a really bad idea.

This is stupid. I should
probably just go home.

It's better.
No, are you kidding?

You have a small window

in which to bang your way
through New York City.

No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.

I'm trying to
figure out who I am.

Then why don't you take this,

go home and
stare at your beave?

Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?

Um... I know.

I would like to see your tongue

in that bartender's face.

What?

Don't worry,
I know him.

He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.

That guy?

Yeah. I've heard
he's really good in bed.

From myself, because
I might have slept with him.

I can't really remember.

Maybe, uh... It was winter.

Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.

What?

Hey, Tom.

This is Alice.

She's newly single and needs to
hook up with a random stranger.

Let me buy you a drink.
Here you go.

Thanks. Uh, thanks.

Let me buy you a drink.

Welcome to the party.

Umm, cheers.

Whoo!

Come on! Yeah! Ha!

Hi! Yeah!

Hey. Hi.

Whoa! Whoa!

She just hit you in the face!

Oh! Rumspringa!

Morning, sunshine.

No.

No, Meg! Ow!

Oh, my God.

Wakey-wakey.

A doctor?

Did I have sex with
a doctor? Did we have sex?

No. No?

No, we didn't have sex.

I didn't sleep with anybody?

No, I don't think so.

Why does it smell
like weed in here?

You have a little...

What? It's in your hair now.

It's just right...

What? It...

No, I just have long eyelashes.

It's a...
You have a joint clinging...

Oh.

Yay! Free coffee!

Uh, take two Tylenol, and
make yourself some breakfast.

I love you.

Love, love you.

Your roommate
seems pretty cool.

Oh, she's my sister.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Uh, then I think I might have
pissed in your sister's litter box.

That's a Zen garden.

The cat has a Zen garden?

There's no cat.

Where am I?

I knew I had sex
in this apartment!

Oh, yeah. What's up?

Okay, where are we?

Um, Broadway and 77th. Um...

We have to be
at work in 30 minutes,

so we should
probably go this way.

It's okay, I can do this in 20.

Wait, do what? Let's go.

Wait, do what? Time me!

Step one.

That stuff is for babies.

Babies with hangovers.

Baba, are we good?

Payment accepted. Let's go.

Hi!

Yeah, hi. I'm really interested

in buying a lot of
your products, but first,

I need you to put
all of them on my face,

in a very nice way, for free.

I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."

Okay.

Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

Here. Come on. Gimme.

Nailed it.

You're three-and-a-half
hours late.

Yay! Lunchtime!

And don't worry
about the weight.

It should come off after
you stop nursing the infant.

"Katie." That's her name.

Oh, okay.

Oh, no. I have to pee.

It just falls out
of me these days.

Can you hold...
No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not good with babies.

Hello. How are you today?

Your mom should be
coming back soon.

Is, um, "Katie"
short for "Katherine"?

See, some women would look at

what you just did and
think that you smiled.

But, because I'm a doctor,

I know that that was probably

just an involuntary
tic, or gas.

You know what?

You're not that cute,

and I am not falling for it.

So, you just keep trying,
but it is "no."

Shut up, baby.

And, you know what?
Don't touch that,

because that's
not very sanitary.

Yeah.

Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes

that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.

So, you eat your shoe.

You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.

Why do you put
everything in your mouth?

Hello. Hi.

And so we're clear,

there are a lot of people
in this world

who need things
like you in their lives,

to feel complete.

I am not one of them.
I am fine without you.

Fine. You win.

If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,

wait four hours to respond.

I was not even
thinking about Tom.

Anything sooner implies that

you're needy and
really co-dependent

and incapable of
a simple hookup,

which is all he's good for.

I think that I could
actually be, like, a good...

And, when you respond, do not
respond in full sentences.

Okay.

And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.

Fine.

Fine.

No! No! Oh, no.

You can have this back
at the end of the day.

Fine.

An emoji?

Oh! Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

This is so dumb. Okay.

It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.

Sure.

And I'm not gonna be
one of those cliched girls

who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.

No, you can't. No.

I'm telling you.

Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.

Think about it, the whole
love thing, the whole,

"I just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."

It's nice when a guy notices

when you're cold.
It means he's...

It means he's faking it, because he
knows that's what you want to hear.

So, instead of being
a psycho who pretends

that I give a shit
if you're cold,

I tell everyone the same thing.

"If you're looking for
the one, that's not me.

"If you're looking for the one"

"to have a little fun with,
I'm that one."

Oh.

Yep.

Whew!

I've always been
in relationships.

But, I guess that's just
because I actually

don't really know
how to stay single.

Then you came
to the right place.

The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.

That way, nobody gets hurt.

Check this out.

What do all these things
have in common? Go.

Um, ketchup and beer.

Pickles, chocolate sauce.

Are you pregnant?

No, they can't be used
to make breakfast.

There's no reason to
stick around in the morning,

because you can't
make an omelet.

Plus, no water.
So, hungover chicks,

you got to leave to survive.

Except for that New York
water is delicious

and you can just
drink it from the tap.

Yeah. But, uh...

From what glass?

Wow.

You're a piece of work.

Mmm-hmm.

Glass.

Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...

You had a plumber
cut your water?

No. I did it myself.

What if you need
to wash your hands?

What am I, a surgeon?

What if you get thirsty?

Nice. Well done. Yeah, right?

Totally thought it was
a nightstand, didn't you?

You're a psycho.

I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,

they're just
not honest about it.

I'm telling you, this is
what it's like out there.

Why are you telling me this?

I don't know.

It's just, you're different.

Oh, my God. That's the
thing you say to girls.

Yes, it is.
Works, though, right?

Completely.

Anyway, end of the tour.

And, um, this was fun.

See you.

Hi.

Uh, mimosa?

Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.

So, I'm probably
not gonna start drinking

at 8:30 on a Thursday.

Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.

Um, I got us
chocolate chip pancakes

for the table, like we used to.

Um, cool. I don't
have a lot of time, so...

Okay, no, then
I'll just get right to it.

I'm done. I'm,
I'm finally done.

What? What are you done with?

With our time apart.

I know it's been
really difficult.

It's been difficult
on both of us.

But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.

And I'll never have to
wonder about anything else.

I'm seeing someone.

That is... Congratulations.

Um...

So, then, so, Josh,
you want to just,

like, tell me when
you're done, then?

I don't know, Alice.

Like, we can... We'll just
wait till you're done.

Shit's different, I'm not...

I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.

You mean, like, me?

I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.

And I'm not an idiot.

You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing,

with whoever you've been doing,

and you can come
running back to me?

No, thanks. I'll pass.

Who ordered pancakes?

Meg, I'm not ready
to be alone. I'm not.

I don't know how
to reset my router.

I don't even know where it is.

I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.

I'm gonna be alone forever.

At least
my dead body

will serve as food for my cats.

In the eight weeks that it takes for anybody
to find me, because nobody gives a fuck.

Why are you
watching Bridget Jones?

What did I tell you?

It feels good in the moment.

I know, but it's a bad idea.

You get yourself all hopped up

on Sex and the City
and Bridget Jones

and thinking that you need to
have some big single experience.

Which, by the way,
is total bullshit.

No. All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.

And this is a great thing,

because now you can
focus on your career.

What? No! I put myself
out, into the world,

and it completely rejected me.

Whoa!

Okay, you haven't been
single for that long!

Yeah.

You got to go around the board,

pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.

And you remember

the best thing that
ever happened to me

was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.

Please don't tell
the medical school story.

And then, my piece of shit
boyfriend, Bobby,

cheated on me
with my lab partner,

because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.

Did it involve midgets?

No.

I once slept with an albino.

Anyway, the good news is,
now there are.

3,000 beautiful
babies in the world

and no one can
take that away...

from me... From her.

Why don't you go to
one of those alumni events?

An alumni event?

You go, and you
network with people

and if you really
love what you do

then the whole
"guy" thing is easier.

No! I don't want to
be like you, Meg.

I don't want my job
to be my entire life.

Ooh.

Okay. Sisters, time-out.

There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?

Pros. Young, beautiful.

Pros. Also beautiful,
for your age.

Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.

Cons. No access to pills.

Cons. You're really
stingy with the pills.

Right.

Pros. Loves me unconditionally.

Gives me the spare key
to the apartment.

Has a very nice
underwear drawer.

Very neat and organized.

You have a key to my apartment?

Cons. Asks too many
personal questions.

Okay. I'm gonna
take my old, lonely,

workaholic ass
back to the hospital.

Cons. Ugly when sad.

Hey, uh, did you bring
a sandwich from home?

Mmm.

Are you wearing
pajamas in a bar?

They're sweatpants.

I think you're bumming
some people out.

You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.

Leave me alone.

I love this bar.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Hi!

Oh, my God!

Brittany! Hi!

How are you? How are you?

I'm getting married!

She's getting married!

That is just the best news

I've ever heard
in my entire life!

Oh, yay!

How old are your kids?

No.

I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.

But not in, like, a sad way.

It's more like
a volunteer thing?

Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, are you married?

No. No.

Dating anyone?

Uh, afraid not.

Are you divorced?

No, no one's
ever loved me enough

to eventually divorce me.

You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...

I'm not even a good loser, yet.

Oh, my God,
are those penis straws?

You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!

Hi.

Oh.

Hey, baby.

This is, um...

It's all right, you can say it.

Miss Independent
right here, right?

I'm her boyfriend.

Oh! He's your boyfriend.

This is my boyfriend.

God, doesn't she look smoking
hot in these sweatpants?

Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

This is Brittany. She's
getting married, obviously.

Oh, you're the one
getting married. Marriage!

The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself

and buying whatever you want without
having to ask permission, right?

Marriage!

Congratulations, good luck
with it. I hope it lasts.

Sorry. No filter.

Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.

Oh, my God.
No, no, that was awesome!

Thank you so much! Good night.

Oh.

Come on,
you fucking bitch.

Hey.

Sorry. Was that supposed
to be a private moment?

I can't get my zipper.

I'm sorry for
what I said to you.

What?

I said, I'm sorry for
what I said to you.

Can't hear you.

I said I'm sorry for what
I said to you!

What?

I'm gonna have a baby.

What? I found a sperm donor.

This guy.
He's of Swedish descent.

Oh, my God.
He has no known cancers

on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse,

no history of any kind
of mental illness, or...

Oh, my God. I know.

Oh, my God.

I know.

Wait. Do you think
it's a bad idea?

Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?

No, but... Wait,
when do you meet him?

That's the best part.

I never, ever have to meet
him, or any of his family.

There's no strings
attached at all.

Nothing. Is that crazy?

No. Oh, my God,
you're gonna have a baby.

I know!
You're gonna have a baby!

I'm so happy for you.

You'll always be my baby first.

But you do need to grow up.

And you do need to
move out by this Friday.

What?

The co-op board
found out you were here.

Is this a bad idea?
Would you tell me?

No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.

Wait. Just go back.

What was that thing that you
just said about the co-op board?

You need to be out by Friday.

But you're allowed
to have guests.

Yes. But my guests
aren't allowed

to slide down
the trash chute, naked.

I didn't go naked down the...

Oh.

Robin did that.

Mmm-hmm.

I've seen security
footage. And it just...

Hmm.

I don't know.

Hmm, it seems kind of homey,

like you'd actually
want to spend time here.

Oh, this could be
a reading window.

Reading is for ugly losers.

I don't know.
I really like it.

Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!

Wait!
No, don't do that!

That just...
That just fell off.

I think I'm gonna take it.

This place is dangerous.

It's perfect.

Don't let that... Don't...

Did that just break? Yeah.

Good night.

That was weird.

Maybe you should
just leave it in there.

Maybe you shouldn't
shake it like that.

What, it's gonna make
the pee go in there.

No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.

I'm gonna be the
best auntie, ever. I am.

I'm gonna give that kid
whatever it wants.

Forever.
All the sugar in the world.

Don't get your hopes up, okay?

Because it never works
on the first time.

It's too late.

Mmm.

See? I told you.

Are you okay? Yeah.

Oh, no, it always... This is...

It doesn't usually work on
the first time, like I said.

What?

I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.

Are you drinking enough water?

Your lips are really dry, which
means you're dehydrated.

I'll go get you some water.

These plums are
available through

late summer, early autumn.

Alice!

And they're just wonderful,

they're called
Italian prune plums.

So, we're gonna make
a bit of caramel

with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.

I'm just gonna
cook it over medium heat

until it's nice and
caramelized and brown...

Alice!

Hi. Hi.

My buzzer's broken.

It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.

That was bad. Can I come up?

Yeah.

If you want to
make this cake another time...

Hey.

Hey.

It's good to see you.

So good to see you. What's up?

Well, I was going
through my closet,

and I found a bunch
of your old stuff,

so I thought you might want it.

I could've come by to get this.

Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um,

that's part of why I
wanted to come over.

Uh...

So, Michelle is
moving in tomorrow.

So... Wow!

Michelle.

She's got a name
and everything.

She's got a name.

Well, technically,
she's always had a name.

Mmm-hmm.
I mean, her lease was up

and I was with
this craigslist guy,

and he started
stealing my socks.

Mmm-hmm.
And so, it just made sense.

It makes sense.
And we're excited.

Mmm-hmm. We are.
You said "we." Okay.

So...

So let me give you the tour.

Um, this is the kitchen.
This is the dining room.

This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.

And are you working
on your Spanish?

Oh, that's been that
way since I moved in,

and I don't know how to fix it.

And now I don't know
what the world would be like

if it wasn't in Spanish.

It's pretty easy,
you know, it's...

Alice.

You're so handy.

Alice.

Michelle is
a really lucky girl.

I didn't expect
for this to happen.

I just...

I stopped comparing
everyone to you

and then I met
someone pretty great.

I'm super happy for you.

Yeah, I can see that.

Alice. All right.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

You need to move on.

Fine.

Uh, no going backwards,
only forwards.

You can't sleep with Tom again.

Well, then, we're gonna
have to start going

to a different bar, girlfriend.

No, you'll be fine,

just don't hit your
drink number with him.

What's my drink number?

In every male-female
friendship,

there's a total
number of drinks

and if you hit that, it means
you will definitely have sex.

So, how many drinks does it
take to get you wasted?

Two and a half,

but maybe three, if I've eaten.

Three.

Okay, and Tom's is eight.

So, you can't hit eleven drinks

between the two of you.

Okay.
Not one for you, 10 for him.

Not six for him, five for you.

If I had more than five drinks,

I'd hook up with you.

My drink number is 27.

What?

I wouldn't even touch
myself on less than 24.

That's...

What are you doing? Stop.

What is that? Stop.

Oh, my God.

I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.
It's actually really cold.

You have LTRP.

Oh, my God. I do?

Yeah.

Tom gave it to me. For sure.

Wait. What's LTRP?

Long-Term Relationship Pussy.

You really need
to get that taken care of.

What do you mean?
I barely have any hair.

It's like you dropped
your hairbrush

and your vagina caught it.

I could make dreadlocks with that
bush and form a reggae band.

That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.

It's like Gandalf
is staring right at me.

"No penis shall pass!"

You've ruined
so many things for me.

Hi.

Hi. What are you here for?

Um, I am here to finally
put myself out there.

Like, in a real way. You know?

Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.

Yeah.

Uh, no, I was asking
what event are you here for?

Oh, um...

Oh, my God.

The Wesleyan Alumni
Networking Event.

Cool.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we're...

♪ I wanna see your
peacock, cock, cock ♪

♪ Your peacock, cock ♪

♪ Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock ♪

♪ Word on the street ♪

♪ You got somethin'
to show me, me ♪

♪ Magical, colorful,
myster-mystery-eeh ♪

♪ I'm intrigued for a peek
Heard it's fascinating ♪

♪ Come on baby let me see
What you hidin' underneath ♪

Hey. Get back over there,

you're screwing up
the harmonies.

I'm David Stone,
nice to meet you.

Hi. Hey, I'm Alice.

Alice...

Kepley. Kepley.

It's not as good as "Stone."

Do you want one of
my business cards?

Or maybe 400 of them, so you
could tile your bathroom?

Well, what's on them?

Um, my Social Security Number,

my mom's maiden name,
my ATM PIN.

That's what
goes on these, right?

Absolutely, the essentials.

What do you do?

Um, I'm a paralegal.

Okay. At Brown, Light
and Finkelstein.

Is that, uh, 144 Wall Street?
Yeah.

Yeah, I have the building
right next door.

You "have" the building?

Like, in
a Fantasy Building League?

Uh, no. Um, I don't
"have" the building,

I kind of own it. Oh.

There's no way to
make that sound right.

I'm a developer,
so, it's not just me.

It's like a group
of people, but...

That's like a real-ass job, man.
Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

Oh, your team.

We really need to
work on our repertoire.

Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
Is it?

Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.

Oh, I'm sorry,
it's my daughter.

Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.

I mean, I'm a...
I'm a daughter.

It was great to meet you.

Bye. Yeah.

♪ Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock ♪

♪ I wanna see
your peacock, cock ♪

Okay, 30 more seconds.

Twenty-seven.

It said three to
10 minutes, is that right?

I'm doing this in solidarity.

Guys. Mine's positive.

What? What?

Wait.

I'm taking a drug test. Is
that what you guys are doing?

No. No.

I'm...

You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

It's all right, don't worry.
We'll take care of it.

I mean, "Yes!"

You're pregnant!

We're pregnant!

I'm not pregnant!

I'm on drugs!

I found my peanut!
This is Paul.

Hey.

He has so many teeth.

What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!

Who's ready to reach
into my cleave of wonders

and win themselves a prize?

Doris, I'm coming
to you first, baby.

Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!

You have won
Kathy's credit card.

Let's go, dance circle!

Bridget, come on
in here, you slut!

How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?

What?

How many little burgers does it
take to make a whole burger?

You're crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Don't ever call
a pregnant woman crazy.

Okay. All right.
Not ever. Never.

Okay.

How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?

I don't know, maybe four?

I've had seven.

Eight. I meant eight.

Is it four, or is it eight?

It's eight, or more.
Everyone knows that.

Who told you that?

The slider guy.

Please blink,
so I know you're in there.

I'm sorry. God.

I just have blood pumping
through my body

in an uncomfortable way

and it feels like it's all
accumulating right here.

Don't touch yourself like
that in my workplace.

I need a man.

A man?

I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.

It's, like, the hormones
or something.

Actually, the new guy has sort
of been checking you out.

Which one? He's...

Did you get it? No.

All right. He's like...

Right over there.

No. No. Why?

Because he's too young.

All young guys want to
do is have sex all day.

All I need is just
a quick 10 minutes,

and then a really long nap.

How old is that
little niblet, anyway?

Like, twenty-f... Seven?

The only reason a guy like
that would ever talk to me

is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.

So, no.

I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.

Wait, he might be
going to the food.

Don't look over there.
No, he's coming.

He's here.

Just saw you looking
at me over there.

I thought I'd come over,
say "What's up."

Hmm. Or...

Oh, my God, did I misread that?

Were you not...
Were you just talking about...

Um, did you not
want me to come over?

Hey, I'm Ken.

Hmm.
You must be Alice's sister.

Um, do you want a drink? No.

Can I get you...

I had a lot of
drinks earlier today.

Have you heard anything
about an after-party?

Or even, like,
another part of this party?

Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...

Oh, my God, am I boring you?

Is that... Are you
trying not to yawn?

Mmm-mmm. That's just your face?

No, I'm sorry. I'm a doctor,
and I'm just really tired.

What is it you were
saying you do?

I wasn't, but I
work here, for now.

But, um...

Oh, my God,
are you having a stroke?

Seriously, this is
the honeymoon.

Like, we just
met 30 seconds ago.

Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,

I don't think we're
gonna make it at all.

So, why don't you just,
like, let her rip?

Okay. Like, let it all out.

Yeah.

How awesome was that?

That feels so good.

Right?

Who are you, again?

I'm, uh, Ken.

And what's going on here?

Is this...
I don't...

Is this one of those
fetish things?

Where you're, like,
a foot fetish. Am I the foot?

Do you want to be the foot?

I'm not into feet, but I would
like to go out with you.

Oh.

Yes. Why?

Really? I...
Do you not want me to?

I do! I... That's not what I was saying.
No, I was just wondering why.

Because I think you're hot.

And I think you're funny.

And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.

And then you have an
awesome yawn after that, so...

I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.

I don't know.

But, cheers.

Holy shit, that's a candle.

So, do you wanna just go do this, then?

Oh.

Mmm.

I don't want anything serious.

Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.

I'm just kidding.

My God, your body is awesome!

Do I smell like hamburgers?

You taste like hamburgers.

That's totally beautiful.

You didn't really have to come all
the way here with me, you know?

And miss a subway ride with you?

That's like 20 extra
minutes of Paul time.

Aw. Thank you. Yeah.

Actually, I got you something.

Oh, okay.

I have a sandwich
for the train ride.

Oh, thank you. And there's
a bagel in there, too,

in case you don't
want the sandwich.

It's a 45 minute
train ride, but thank you.

And there's this. What?

Merry Christmas.

You shouldn't have.

Really, it's just
a little thing that...

Oh. Open it now, yeah.

Whoa! These are pictures of us.

It's memories of
all our time together.

Yeah, there's three weeks
of photos. That's...

And then we can
fill in the rest.

Oh, so...

Look, Lucy, I...
I really care about you.

And I just don't know if we want to
think too much in the long term,

only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.

Normally, I break up with
people before the holidays,

just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.

But I just thought, since
we're dating other people,

I would just wait and break up with
you on Martin Luther King Day.

Okay, I have no idea what that
means, but it sounds vaguely racist.

Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday

to break up with
someone on, you know?

I mean, there's
no family obligations,

you can get out before
Valentine's Day.

I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?

Yeah.

I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?

No.

It's to find your soul mate!

I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.

Okay. Great talk.

Bye.

Just...

Um, Merry Christmas.

"'We're safe!' said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."

Um, who's Paul?

Sorry, "the Prince."

"Then, he leaned in to kiss
her, and finally said..."

Oh, that's rich.

How does the story end?

I'll tell you how it ends.

He kisses her, and she wakes
up and finally feels loved,

and understood, and wanted.

But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady

and before she knows it,
she's kicked out

of the castle.

"The peach lady"?

You bet your sweet ass
"the peach lady."

And now, you know, she's
fixating on all her mistakes

and all the money
she spent on makeup

and blow-outs, and the heels!

The heels!
Walking around on these.

And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.

No hair here,
but tons of it here.

I'm supposed to have
a ton, a ton of it here.

You think this is all real?

You think that it's all real?
No.

And Spanx!

Girls. Never wear Spanx.

Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway

and then the prince is gonna
see all your dumplings

and there ain't
nothing less attractive

than trying to
squiggle your way

out of what's basically
sausage casing.

Look at these links!

You know what,
why don't we push pause

on story time for
just a second, huh?

Okay,
you know what? Sorry.

- Are you kidding me?
- Hey, hey. Okay.

These are kid scissors.
They don't work.

If your Spanx were made of
construction paper, they would.

And that's how the story ends.

Parents, I'm gonna ask
you to sign something

before you leave,
if you don't mind.

Story time next week.

Same time, same place,
different reader.

Thank you. Okay, now.
Hey, you. Hey. How are you?

Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.

Oh, that was terrible.

You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.

But it was also
kind of awesome.

I'm George.

Lucy.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Hey!

Hey! Oh, thank you.

For you. I'll take that.

Oh, no. That's Robin's.

Yeah. I like to keep
this on my own rack.

Sorry, we're late.

No, it's okay. I'm glad
you guys could come.

I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...

Why do people always say that? The
holidays is he best time to be single.

Parties every night,
free-flowing booze.

Mmm-hmm. Santa's beard
tickling your inner thigh.

What? Night.

Yeah, take your jacket...

Here, you want me
to get your...

Thanks for having us.

Yeah, sure. I know it's
been tough for you.

For me? Yeah.

No, I'm good.

It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, I know,
she's really mature.

And, um, also, I told
her you're my cousin.

Hi, baby. Hey. Hi.

Oh, you must be Alice.

Hi! Hi.

Oh, Meg!

Hi. Hey.

Hi, what are you doing here?

I brought you hot chocolate.

For what?

For drinking.

Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.

Perfect.

Oh, thank you. Sure.

That was nice. Hi.

It's good to see you.
You look good.

Oh, oh, there's
bourbon in there.

Also, was that
a real-life spit take?

Mmm. I've never seen
one in real life.

I just sort of thought
it would be like...

Wow. You know?

Yeah.

That was good, yeah.

I can't drink alcohol right now

because I'm
about to deliver a baby.

It's so cool you're a doctor.

It's so cool that you're...

A receptionist.

Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?

Receptionist. Oh.

Oh, I just love the
thrill of it, you know?

Like, "Hello? Hold, please. "Hello?
I'll see if she's available."

But I'm thinking about
quitting. I don't know.

It's starting to feel like the
restaurant I worked at.

Oh. Oh, shit. Christmas trees.

Come on, we'll get one.

Okay. I mean, I don't
get Christmas trees, but...

Oh, are you Jewish? No, I just
don't get Christmas trees.

Oh, so, you're a monster.

No, I'm just never home, and
I would definitely kill it.

No.

And then those needles
fall into the rug

and stab your feet
when you walk on them.

Okay.

All right.
Look at this guy, right?

That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.

Like, you cannot kill this guy.

We load him up with
a bunch of water,

stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side,

you're good to go for,
like, three weeks.

I'm telling you, you're gonna
be begging this guy to die.

Yeah. Then, in three weeks

we throw this guy
out on the street,

and get ready
for Valentine's Day.

"We" get ready
for Valentine's Day?

Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not...

Listen, in three
weeks from now,

I think the novelty of this
whole thing will have worn off

and I think, the reality will set in,
which is that I work all the time

and I probably would
never see you,

and I'd probably have to
cancel all of our dates.

And, when I did
finally see you,

I would probably just
fall asleep on your face.

Oh... Yeah, and then,

.you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.

Because you obviously have a lot
of time to spend at the gym

and so would she, and

I don't even know why we're
having this conversation.

I mean, you are
obviously not a real thing

and I feel like we're wasting
air even talking about it.

And I have hip problems,
real hip problems,

and not from doing fun things,

like having sex,
but from gravity.

And what we had was great.

Thank you for
helping me out with that.

That was fun.

But you will find
a girl your own age

and then you can do fun things

like look for trees
and whatever.

But that's not what's happening
here, between you and me, so...

Just so you know.

I have to get back to work now.

My God.

Fine, we won't get
a Christmas tree!

You okay? You happy?
I'm okay.

You did good.
This is an incredible party.

Mmm. You're sweet.

Hey, Robin.

Yeah.

Oh. Yes?

Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?

Right now? Yeah.

No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy,

and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions

like us sitting on their faces.

No. No.
Come on, it's Christmas!

I'm not gonna do that tonight.

Why? Their dicks probably
look like cannolis.

No, it's okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.

It's plastic.
You can't kill it.

Hey.

Hey.

I feel like I know you.

God, I wish I had one of
your business cards,

so I could
remember who you are.

Yeah, you're the, um,
fancy married guy,

with the kid and the buildings.

Uh, I'm not married.

Um, I do have a daughter.

Oh.

And I'm fancy. Yeah.

You're wearing a scarf on
the outside of your jacket.

Which...
That serves zero purpose.

Um...

Uh, this is super
random, but do you

want to go see
the Rockefeller tree with me?

No? That's a big "no."

No, no.

I know it's probably like so
crowded with so many tourists,

I don't know why
I even want to do that.

I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.

Okay.

All right.
This door.

Aye.

You know what?
I am just realizing now

that I've gone with
a complete stranger,

to an abandoned location
covered in plastic.

So, if you're
gonna Dexter me...

You know what? Honestly?

Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.

What is happening?
All right. Close your eyes.

Okay. Here we go. Bye!

What is that sound?
Just one second.

The world's largest
shower curtain?

What is it? What's happening?

One sec. Uh...

Is that the body bag?

Is that duct tape?

Is it "duck" tape
or is it "duct" tape?

Um, open your eyes.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Thank you.

I've always wanted to see this.

Yeah.

I don't know why
I always talk myself out

of doing the things
that I really want to do.

Like what?

There's this thing that
people do on New Year's,

where they hike the Grand
Canyon in the dark, Hmm.

So that they can watch the New
Year come in with the dawn.

That sounds amazing.

I know. Yeah.

I'm just not a hiker.

I don't like that stuff that's on the
ground, that, like, gets on you.

The dirt? Yes.

But, um, I don't know.

Maybe we can, um,
do something else this year.

"We"? Did I say "we"?

This one's name is Ping-Ping.

Ping-Ping?

It's nice to meet you.

Who's this guy?

Lion.

Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.

Well, what about this guy?

Zebra-Zebra.

Hmm. I was told never to trust
a man with two first names.

What about, do you want to tell
me the names of these ones?

This is LA.
I'll be two seconds.

Okay, we're fine.

Do you know
the Eyes of You song?

The what song?

Eyes of You song.

No, I don't know what that is.

Oh, I know that song.

♪ I love you baby
And if it's quite all right ♪

What are you doing?

Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,

but her voice is
way better than mine.

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

You're not her mom.

What are you... What are you...

What do you mean?

We were just singing, David.

Look, I'm sorry, but
when it comes to Phoebe,

I get very protective.

And, you can't just...

Look, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know that
that was a thing.

I'm not trying to, like...

I guess I didn't know
that that would upset you

because you don't
actually ever really

share anything with me.

Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?

From your doorman, David.

Yeah, well.

I just thought you were
divorced. I had no idea.

It's just been two years, okay?

Phoebe's not
ready for all that.

I have no idea what
it's like to be a parent.

But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom.

Look, Alice.

I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm not supposed
to need you anymore, but...

I really do.

Come here.

I feel like I don't even
know who I am anymore.

It's okay.

I have to warn you, I have this
weird farting thing happening.

I don't know if it's me, or the baby
farting through me, or what, but...

Let me see.

Hi, you stinky little baby.

You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.

You need to tell him.

I love you, monkey.

I love you.

Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.

All right, let me guess.

You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,

while the rest of us
are out here,

celebrating
Saint Patrick's Day.

No. You know what? I'm into it.

George is an eighth Irish.

Do you think he'll
like it? Look, I did...

Yeah.

Who's George?

Luce. Hey!

Oh, there he is!

That's George?

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Yes!

Mmm.

Hi. Hi.

It's been forever.

Yeah.

Are you here with somebody?

Oh, no. I'm, I'm, I'm alone.

I just thought I'd
grab some pancakes,

'cause I love pancakes.
This was our place.

Okay.

What are you doing?
Who are you here with?

I'm here with my parents.

Oh, my God.
Here they are.

- Look who it is.
- Alice!

- Hi! How are you?
- Oh, my God.

We're here to celebrate.

How are you?
It's so good to see you. Hi.

Josh got into business school.

What? JOSH: I did.

It just happened. It's crazy.

I didn't even know
you wanted to...

We were just
gonna take a picture.

Come on, get in here. Oh.

We're just gonna
take a picture.

Come on,
come on, get in here.

- Squeeze in.
- No, no, no!

Selfie time!
Selfie time. One, two...

No, I can take one of you guys.

Three!

You're better than her.

Wow. What?

What? Mom!

You need to go inside.

I know you've
said it a million times.

All right. There you go.
Take her inside,

and then take her home.
Great to see you again.

Great to see you. Okay.

Bye, guys.

It's great to see you.

It's great to see you.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Don't squash my pancakes, man.

Oh, sorry.

Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...

We should hang out soon.
I'll see you around.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

What the fuck?

Are you pregnant?

What?

I've been trying
to have a baby. Yes.

I... It's probably
not even going to stick.

Yeah, I think it stuck.

Okay, I don't know
what that tone was

but, if you haven't noticed,

my boobs have
gotten much bigger.

Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.

I put that on
my vision board, okay?

I thought that was
because of me.

Who does that?

I do! People like me,
visionaries!

Didn't you notice
that I was getting fat?

That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.

You are beautiful, you
have always been beautiful,

and you are
carrying this so well.

You think?

Is this why you've been
avoiding me lately?

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna...

I'm gonna be a dad!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!

We're gonna be...
Not "dads." We're gonna...

No, it's not.

Like, you're not... It's not...

Is that not mine?

I'm just pregnant.

What do you mean,
you're "just pregnant"?

That's crazy.
How's that possible?

What?
I said, you're being crazy.

You've lied to me
the entire time

we've been together
about being pregnant

and now you're upset with
me because I believed it?

That's what a crazy
person does.

That's three times.

Say it again.

I don't know. It just
seems crazy to me.

I just want to
tell you something.

Usually, it's a good idea

not to call
a pregnant woman crazy.

You know what I mean?

She's nuts, everybody.

So funny!

Oh, sh... Oh, my God!

Not funny!

Get it, girl.

Who is the father?

I don't know! I don't know.

How do you not know?

Stop yelling at me.

How could you not know
something like that?

Did you not catch his name?

I did I.V.F. with
a sperm donor.

Oh, my God. Okay?

Do you have
a problem with that?

I don't have a problem
with that. It's your body.

Do whatever you
want with your body.

Cover it in tattoos.
I don't care.

I think I deserve to know
when there's someone

living inside the person
I'm having sex with.

Don't say that. That's gross!

There is nothing gross
about that. It is beautiful!

It's not your problem.
Not genetically, okay?

But my girlfriend
is having a baby.

Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,

this is the kind of
thing I need to know.

What are you gonna do? Stay
home and take care of a baby?

Did I just win the lottery?

Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.

When I was eight years old, my Halloween
costume was a stay-at-home dad.

You're saying I never
have to go to work again.

I get to hang out
with a baby all day?

Just stop saying
the word "baby."

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
Because babies are awesome!

Okay, listen.

You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together

and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.

And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired

and I would hate to do it,

but I would agree
to let you drive.

And then,
I would feel very safe,

and that's when we would crash.

You think you can control
everything, but you can't.

That's not how this works.

If I could choose someone to
do this with, it would be you.

You can choose!

I just... I'm not the only
one in the car, anymore.

Yeah.

Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.

This is you pushing me away.

Daddy? Yeah, babe?

I want the Eyes of You song.

Sing it to me.

Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?

Get some sleep.

It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now

and we would have, like, the
cutest little baby daughter

and she would probably
be named after a fruit.

What kind of name is
"George," anyway? Right?

I hate his hair.

Actually, technically, we would
have a four-year-old daughter,

in which case,
her name would be Rihanna.

What? We haven't known
each other four years.

No, not you. Josh.

Oh, right, yeah.

But, exactly. It's the same
thing with me and Lucy.

It's like, if I go to work, and she's
not there, I'm like mad or something.

Yeah. Which is nuts, because she's
not completely disgusted by you.

I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

Maybe we've just made
all the wrong moves.

Maybe, this whole time, we've been
focusing on all the wrong stuff

and now it's just too late.

To the wrong stuff.

This is it.
We can't pass "eleven."

What are you talking about?

Our drink number.

In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,

and if you pass it, you have
to have sex, mathematically.

Whatever, dude.

Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.

Wha... Where did
that come from?

Uh, the floor.

One, two, three. That's three.

Four, five, six.

Seven.

Eight, nine.

It's just ten. It's just ten.

Eleven. Did you drink this?

No.

Oh, thank God.

You did.

This may be a mistake.

It's just such a bad idea.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.

Yeah, see, normally, I feel
like I'd be mad at that.

But I just did the
exact same thing to you.

Right, yeah.

Shit. I think I like her.

Like, when we're together,

I feel like me, but, like,
a better me.

See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.

Yeah.

I can let myself out.

Cheers!

Whoa!

Alice! Happy Birthday!

Hi!

Thank you. What is that?
Give me that.

Um, this is actually for Meg.

I had it made for her,
specially.

Aw...

That is so sweet.
Look how cozy. Oh.

Maybe I'll give it to her.
Just, later on.

Hey!

No Tom, no Josh,

I'm just gonna have
a really good time

and I'm not gonna think
about any boys at all.

Here's to no drama.

No drama. Whoo!

Happy Birthday!

Whoo!

Thanks, buddy.

I'll show you. This way.

Oh, my God.

Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!

Josh! What's up, man?

Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!

I'm just hanging.

I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.

Okay, cool. Yeah, man.

I'm gonna find Alice.

Tall person.

We got a whole
"No hats" thing

but, uh, you seem like
a good guy, and, you know...

Hey. What's up, guys?

Hey. Hey. Josh.

You're Josh?

What's that supposed to mean?

No, nothing. Makes total sense.

Wait, how do you know Alice?

How do you guys know Alice?

Oh, fuck me.

This is Josh.

Makes sense.

What? Are you guys
new friends, or...

Oh, my God.

Come here.

Um, Tom is here,
and David, and Josh.

And David. Did I say David?

Yeah, I know,
because I invited them.

You're welcome.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because I thought it
would be funny. For me.

And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.

Hey. Hey.

What's going on? How are you?

Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.

Great. Me, too.

You go first.

I'm getting married.

What?

That's, uh...

Look, your computer
programs are total bullshit.

Your algorithms? Also,
total bullshit, all right?

Just because the music stops, doesn't
mean you got to sit in the closest chair.

You shouldn't be with George.

You should be with me.

Yes. I want to be with you.

What?

God, all those
bad dates at the bar,

there was something
that was always there.

You.

It was always me.

Yes. Oh, my God. Right?

We could have
the best life together.

And, I mean, we're gonna
want to get married soon

because we'll probably want
to start a family right away.

Oh, my God. Our kids.

Our kids are gonna be so cute.

Exactly.

Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes

and not rush things, you know?

Let's... Let's take care
of us right now.

Oh, my God, Tom.

I'm totally messing with you.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

I don't want to be with you.

And you don't want to
be with me, either.

Wait. Babe!

Oh, my God. I saw everything.

I thought you were
gonna hyperventilate, man.

But I didn't!

Oh, Tom.

Come on. Don't be sad.

You know what this is?

This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life

fighting its way out of the
gravel parking lot of your heart.

So, congrats.

That was beautiful.

Thank you, hon.

Oh, hang on,
one second.

Hey, quick, man,
just one last thing.

Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?

Or I will straight-up end you.

Okay. All right. Okay?

So, just back off. You got it?

Yeah.
Because I put a ring on that

and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.

Okay.
I'm fucking with you, man.

Cool, okay. No, of course.

Lucy loves you, I love you.

We're brothers, now, all right?

And, as such,
I would like to...

This is a big one...

Ask you
to be my best man.

Yeah, you got it.

I'm fucking with you, bro!

Of course, you can't
be my best man.

You are a stranger to me.

Okay? Yeah.

Just to recap, stay the
fuck away from my girl.

I don't want you
to be my best man.

We still love you,
you're family.

You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.

Okay.

But, probably not.
So, don't be offended.

I'm glad we had this talk, man.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Uh...

You trying to hide from me?

Are you hiding from me? Hi.
Huh? Hi.

I didn't see you,
right over there.

It's a good hiding spot.

Uh, listen.

I've been thinking
about you a lot.

Look, David, I'm sorry, I...

I can't do this.

You made it so clear to me,
that you didn't want to, so...

That's not why
I came here at all.

I just came here
to apologize to you

for being such an asshole.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, you were right
about Phoebe.

Oh, good. Did you talk to her?

Well, um, you know,
I'm working on it.

But, uh, are you okay?

I'm working on it.

Happy Birthday.

See? I told you
this would be fun.

Although, I thought one of them
was, like, gonna punch each other

and that hasn't happened yet.

Robin, this isn't a joke.
This is my life.

But you know what? I guess you
wouldn't actually understand that,

because you've
never really cared

about anybody enough
to ever get hurt.

So, this type of thing
doesn't affect you.

Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,

but who gives a shit about me?

I do, because you're my friend!

Am I? Because
as far as I can tell,

you only ever want to hang out
with me when you get dumped

and you need someone
to cheer you up.

Well, you only ever
hang out with me

when you need me
to be your little sidekick.

The reason why I don't hang around with
you when you're in a relationship,

is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.

Nice.

Yeah, do you want
some real advice?

Yeah, what?

You're not gonna
find the right guy

by bumming free drinks
and slutting it up.

Where is this coming from?

This whole time, you've
been the one that's like,

"Oh, yeah, parties
and dicks and shots.

"Let's put shots
all over our bodies."

"More sparkles, bitch!"

It's about me
being sick of you just

meeting guys and
falling into their dick-sand.

Falling into their what?

Their dick-sand.

It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,

you just forget
who you are, and,

like... "Oh!"

You get sucked
into their world.

At least when I do
decide I want a boyfriend,

I'm gonna find someone who
likes me for who I really am,

because I know
who the fuck that is.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Happy Birthday.

It's your birthday!

And I drank some of your gift.

You okay?

No. No.

God, you look pretty
when you're pissed.

I missed these.

What are we doing?
We're about to have sex.

What?

God. What?

So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.

I shouldn't have let you go.

Because Michelle
and I are still together,

and we're actually engaged

and I feel like we're fucking up.
What? What?

We're getting married, but I don't
know if I want to do it yet.

Oh, my God.

Wait! I'm just telling...
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Come here, come here.

You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiance.

No, it's not cheating, since
we've already been together.

What are you doing?
Wait, just...

You told me you missed me!

I... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.

I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.

And I just need closure.

I think we need...
Is that what this...

This is closure for you? Yeah.

Just one last screw
for old times' sake,

before you go and settle
down with somebody else?

That's not...

I'm sorry, all right?

Uh, Alice.

No, you know, what?

I'm sorry. This is my fault.

I spent so much time
wanting you back

that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,

it's like I lost
my mind for a second.

Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.

I'm falling into your
dick-sand right now.

What?

It's like quicksand,
but with dicks.

I don't have dick-sand.

I'm so obsessed with
the idea of being in love,

that I just, it's like...
I completely lose myself.

Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.

I'm like the horse
in The Neverending Story.

I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.

Josh. I want to be alone.

I know that
I've said that a lot.

But, for the first time
in my life,

I really, really,
truly mean it.

Congratulations on
your engagement.

Where to?

Home.

I'm going home.

Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.

Oh, I'm sorry. Um, can I go
to South Second and Berry?

Oh, my God!

Robin? Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!

What's happening? We got to go.

Hey!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, it's happening.

No, no, no. It's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.

Oh, my God! No, it's fine!

I got her, I got her.

The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.

It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.
It's gonna be fine.

Okay.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, is it fine?
Is everything fine?

Get a cab. Get me a cab. Okay!

I've got one!

Ooh!

Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!

This is bad.

Okay, okay.

Oh, this is really bad!

I need to call my
patients and say sorry.

No.

This is not natural!

Okay. Oh, God!

You're at 10 centimeters,

and you've already entered
the second phase

of labor,
known as active labor.

What?

I went to medical school.
Is that so hard to believe?

Yes!

This is gonna happen,
like, right now.

Get your foot off my tit.

Get your foot off my tit, okay?

It's coming.
You are the cliche!

You are the lady who's about to

have a baby in
the back of a taxi

and I'm the Australian-American

hero who's gonna
make it happen!

In the cab, though?
Don't worry, Meg.

My hands and my mouth have both

been recently
sterilized by vodka.

Feels like it's coming out.
No, no, no, no.

I'm going in.
I'm going in.

- Chant with me!
- Hold it inside!

We can do this. Do this.

We can do this.

We can do this, we can do this.

We're here! We're here!

- Get out. Get out.
- Okay, open the door.

- Shit, the door's...
- Open the door.

- It won't open!
- Open the door!

It won't open! ALICE: The door!

Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...

What are you doing?
The door's locked!

Just open the door!

It's coming out!

Robin! Okay,
you have to help her!

You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?

- I can't.
- Help her.

Come on!

Close your legs really tight.

Do not let it come out!

Robin, it was locked!

Come on!

Oh! My purse.

- No, no, no, no! Get inside.
- It's coming out!

I need a...
We need a wheelchair.

Jesus. Okay,
don't let it come out!

It's gonna come out.
Don't let it come out.

Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
I need to... I need to push.

It's coming out.
It's coming out.

Are you coming?

You don't need me anymore.

- Okay.
- Oh, God. Okay.

I'm scared.
I'm right here.

Hi.

I called him.

Look, I know
you don't want me here,

but just listen to me, okay?

You like me. A lot.

And I like you.

And you're crazy.
That's a fact.

Honestly, I think you're probably just
as crazy when you're not pregnant.

But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.

I love you.

I'm gonna come back later.

Thanks. Thanks for calling.

Don't be weird.

Oh, thank you, thank...

Well, are you gonna
come meet her or not?

Her? Mmm-hmm.

It's a "her"?

This is baby Madeline.

Oh, my God, look at you.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

She's beautiful.

And I think I love you, too.

I mean, I do love you, I don't
know why I just said that.

I really love you.

I really, really love you.

I mean, I don't...

I can totally handle
all of this by myself.

I'm an independent woman.

My God, seriously?

But I don't want to.

I don't.

Hi. Mmm.

Doesn't she look like an alien?

You are the most beautiful
alien in the world.

Hi.

What do you want?

I wanted to tell you that I know that
I can do a lot of things on my own.

And I can unzip my own dress,

but I want you to do it for me.

That sounded
really weird. Um...

I want you to watch
me unzip my dress.

No, sorry.
That sounded really sexual.

That's not what I meant.

What I meant is I want to
unzip my own dress

and I just want you
to be around,

because you're my best friend.

And I love you.

And I'm totally
in love with you, too.

This is more than
just a friendship.

I'm so glad
you feel the same way.

Just joking!

Oh, my God.

I got you.
Oh, but I do love you.

And I missed you. Oh.

I've been having Alice
withdrawal, seriously.

Wait, are you kidding me?
Is this where you live?

Robin! This is
your 500 square feet,

where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?

Uh, yeah.

I'm super rich.
Did I not mention that?

Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?

Why did you even
work at the firm?

Wait, why do I pay for
everything all the time?

Wow.

Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.

I just really liked
hanging out with you.

And screwing those
two security guys.

Why do have a scooter?

This is my indoor scooter.

I have the whole floor.

I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.

But that's how you
stay super rich.

God!

You have so much
to learn from me, still.

I want you to be
my sugar-daddy.

I'll be your sugar-sister.

I thought you
didn't do breakfast?

You're ruining it.

I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,

is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.

But, how good at being alone
do we really want to be?

Isn't there a danger

that you'll get so good
at being single,

so set in your ways

that you'll miss out on the
chance to be with somebody great?

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Some people take baby steps
to settle down.

Some people refuse
to settle at all.

Sometimes,
it's not statistics.

It's just chemistry.

And sometimes,
just because it is over,

doesn't mean the love ends.

Um, I want to talk
to you about your mom.

She got sick when
you were really little

and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.

Every day.

But, we need to talk about her.

Who's that?

Me.

Who's that?

Mommy.

Yeah.

A lot of good memories in here.

I want to show you something.

♪ But if you
feel like I feel ♪

♪ Please let me know
that it's real ♪

♪ You're just
too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my
eyes off of you ♪

The Eyes of You song.

The Eyes of You song.

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ And
if it's quite all right ♪

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ To warm the lonely nights ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Trust in me when I say ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪

♪ Don't bring me down I pray ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪

Now I know
why you never sing.

Why?

Because your voice is so bad.

What are you talking about?
That was excellent.

The thing about being
single is, you should cherish it.

Because, in a week,

or a lifetime, of being alone,

you may only get one moment.

One moment,
when you're not tied up

in a relationship with anyone.

A parent, a pet,
a sibling, a friend.

One moment, when you
stand on your own.

Really, truly single.

And then,

it's gone.