Original subtitles

Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

Horrible Histories presents...

Now, if you watch one song contest this year,

make sure it's the Eurovision Song Contest.

But if you watch two song contests,

then you need to watch the Rat-O-Vision song contest.

You do!

CLEARS THROAT

So please welcome your host, Rattus Rattus!

Welcome to the first-ever Rat-O-Vision Song Contest.

It's a feast for the eyes and ears

and an absolute disaster for the nose.

LAUGHTER

Yes. In this competition,

historical celebrities from around the world sing their hearts out

in a bid to win our coveted Rat-O-Vision trophy.

And to kick us off with an absolute banger

it's America's entry, sung by Thomas Edison.

Tom's written a song about the things he's invented,

but he had to cut the song

down after the dress rehearsal

because it listed all of his 1,000 plus

registered inventions.

The song was over four hours long.

Just the highlights, please, Tom.

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

at all the things

The phone that rings

The light bulb guy

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Who knew Edison could sing like that?

He sure has got some pipes -

presumably from one of his inventions.

Well, he's going to be a tough act to follow for Germany's entry

by 12th century genius, pioneer and nun Hildegarde von Bingen.

This is one of the favourites for the trophy.

Trust me, you'll all be doing the dance tomorrow,

although I can't see the wimple catching on.

Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

That is me

COUGHING

the w-w-world

that I found

FARTING

What dog?

Ja, I slay.

And the natural world astounds me

Wrote nine volumes.

Und I say

Letters every day

Emperors to say

I can show you a better way"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Germany.

Absolutely heavenly.

Next up, it's Poland's representative, LL Zamenhof.

Now, there's some controversy here because everyone's allowed to sing

in their native tongue or in English.

But what Zamenhof has done is invent a whole new language.

It might not be in the rules,

but he did invent it to try and help achieve world peace.

So let's not fight about it.

The language and the song is called Esperanto.

Despacito by Luis Fonsi

to prevent war

is the solution

in Poland

the conversation flowing

keep on growing

to unite the people

that will make us equal

in a way that's peaceful

everyone can understand

you might recognise

and sticking an O on the end

Everyone here can do it

that I created in Poland

the conversation flowing

keep on growing

the people

that will make us equal

Any questions?

Excellent.

Oh, I'm fluent already.

Next up, we've got a pair of true artists from Italy.

The total genius Leonardo da Vinci

and the equally brilliant Michelangelo.

And it features a special guest appearance from Raphael,

who's no slouch either.

The three of them are wonderful creators who, together,

transformed the art world during the Renaissance.

And, of course, they've had Ninja Turtles named after them.

Sweet.

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

the art in the Dark Ages

just as they stand

from Rome and Greece

we'd not had before

An explosion of creation

a brand-new start

we revolutionise art

that Florence is the place

so lifelike that they looked real

to bling the Vatican

he's careful to cover all the bums

to make art

to make the right body

and oil paint brings it to life

your paintings moved me to tears

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Held the last note a bit longer than you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing.

Those guys are responsible for

some of humankind's greatest creations.

But this is the only work of art that we're interested in right now.

Ah, stunning. I can smell it from here.

But if they want to win it, they'll have to get past Greece.

Here's Ptolemy, the ancient Greek astronomer,

with his song all about the stars he named after Greek legends.

Well, he may have his head in the clouds,

but he's got some great moves for an ancient fella.

This is Greece and Ptolemy with A Sky Full Of Myths.

A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay

and screw your eyes up a bit

Just think of constellations like big dot-to-dots, man.

That one's Hercules

or Heracles if you're saying it properly.

There's Cancer - the crab that bit Heracles' foot.

Leo the lion that Heracles killed.

Triangulum, the...

..triangle.

Well, they can't all be great stories.

up there too-oo-oo-oo

I wrote down 48 constellations in my 150 AD book, The Almagest.

So, What does it mean?

Oh, "The Greatest!"

Is that referring to me or the stars?

You decide.

I think you know the answer. HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

have blown through

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that is, hands down, the best song I've ever heard...

..about an ancient Greek bloke naming stars after Greek myths.

LAUGHTER But here we go -

it's the English entry, and it's a family affair,

with Henry VIII and his whole Tudor royal family.

They've written a song about one of the big issues of their day,

choosing which form of Christianity the country should follow -

Protestantism or Catholicism.

It makes some really good points,

which is funny because I doubt it's going to get any points,

especially from the Pope. CHEERING

This track is an absolute banger.

No Scrubs by TLC

God thinks is fine

a real good friend of mine

he calls me

I got bored of Catherine

I wanted to marry Anne

The Pope said cos I'm Catholic

that can't get no love from me

Ah, I can die happy and pass the church onto my Protestant son.

Give em hell, Edward!

HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

Ugh...

Awkward! Mary time.

Brother Eddie perished

Now the country's mine

Cos I was brought up Catholic

who reps my God for me

that's totally fine

Ah, Lizzie in the house!

Yeah!

raised with Catholics

should all be about me

Oh...

Get out!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Honestly, I can't see any other country

having something to match Queen Elizabeth I.

On to our next entry now.

It's Spain, and Queen Elizabeth I.

What?! She's representing Spain as well?!

I don't care if it is a duet with King Philip II of Spain.

Surely that's against the rules.

Ah, well. Here's Liz and Phil with a song

all about their countries' great rivalry.

Good luck, everyone.

Let's just say

these two don't get along.

Oh... CHEERING

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

I'm the King of Spain

and over England I reign

now that she has gone

You're the perfect fit

the "not being a Catholic" bit

our countries can be friends

I'm looking for

is change your religion

I'll take my chances

in having romances

for the both of us

I can cause a fuss

Spanish Empire I can deploy, yeah

SHE HOLDS A HIGH NOTE

Yeah! SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

A war at sea

to steal your treasure

for good measure

loads of Catholic plots

with Mary, Queen of the Scots

That don't scare me much

in a war with the Dutch

with my Spanish Armada

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

turned out not to be a threat

in quite a bit of debt

and send our own fleet

and have to retreat

ever gonna end?

if we could have been friends

before hostilities cease

Yeah!

A war at sea

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm hearing that Phil has offered to put their rivalry behind them

and asked Liz to marry him. Aww!

Beautiful!

And Liz has said...

Ahh! Yikes!

I'm not reading that out! Ooh...

Let's just say she said no and move on.

It's France's entry next,

and it's another song by royal appointment.

It's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine,

the only woman ever to have been queen of both France and England.

She was a great queen, but she was an even greater mum.

And she's got some moves, too.

If this is half as good as it was in rehearsal,

you are in for a treat.

I'm Henry, the Young King.

King Richard! King John, yeah! And this is our mum.

Crazy In Love by Beyonce

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Oh-oh-oh-oh

I was the Queen of France,

was a bad romance

all the way across to England

over there my hand

a really great mum

was an odd thing

with his dad, the king

between my husband and my son

and help my boy, Henry, to reign

A shame

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Oh-oh-oh-oh

PFFFRT!

set me free

about finding a young wife

for his own life

on a crusade

What an accolade

in another land

got out of hand

or two or three

King Rich, was dead

his land instead

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

Oh-oh-oh-oh

saying Richard had died

to be by his side

I paid for his release

said this fighting must cease

to always be friends

to his peaceful end

my youngest, King John

than being a mum

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yaaas, Queen!

I think we may have just seen the winner,

but you never know, because we're about to go old school

with the Ancient Egyptian entry.

Before there were kings and queens in Europe,

there were pharaohs in Ancient Egypt.

And we have three of them here tonight -

Ramesses II, Hatshepsut and Tutankhamun -

singing Ancient Egypt's entry.

It's a fun little number about what pharaohs do when they're dead.

Honestly, couldn't they have chosen a cheerier subject?

But everyone will be humming this tune at the afterparty.

Not to mention the afterlife.

Gangster's Paradise by Coolio

to the Valley of Death

after our last breath

Got a Neme on my head

from the Book of the Dead

to the sun god, Ra

There's many things we must say

never been an eavesdropper"

Lived my life so proper"

Written for each soul

we only got one goal

once we cease to be

for all eternity

to get into Pharaoh's Paradise

to living in a Pharaoh's Paradise

Inside our mummy wrappings

and other Pharaoh trappings

you know it ain't easy

against the feather

cross the Lily Lake

the Ferryman will take us

and old beloved pets

we'll have eternal rest, yeah

but a new form of living

the Dead and the advice it's giving

But will I ever see 20, though?

Don't be slow, mm

to get into Pharaoh's Paradise

to living in a Pharaoh's Paradise

ROARING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, the votes have been counted and verified,

and I'm ready to announce the winner.

Not that it matters,

because music and history are the real winners here

and none of our entries really mind about the results.

BLADES SWISH, HE GASPS

Er... HE GULPS

And the winner of the first - and most probably last - ever

Rat-O-Vision Song Contest is...

DRUM ROLL Er...

..everyone! What?! BOOING

Yeah, you all won so everyone can relax, and...

I won! BICKERING AND FIGHTING

Oh. Well, at least they're fighting each other and not me.

I think I'll sneak out while they're not looking.

And if no-one else wants that trophy...

..I'm having it!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It'll be the next language

of international...languages.

LAUGHTER

THEY LAUGH