Original subtitles

ALL RIGHT, JIMMY, CHECK THIS OUT.

DOUBLE-FLIP WITH A REVERSE.

WOW, HENRY, YOU REALLY STUCK THAT LANDING.

OOH, YOU GOT OUT THE OLD TRAMPOLINE.

YEAH, OUR HEALTH INSURANCE IS RUNNING OUT,

SO OUR DAD SAYS ANYTHING WE CAN BREAK OUR BONES ON

SHOULD BE OUT OF THE HOUSE BY FRIDAY.

YEAH. LATER, WE'RE BREAKING OUT THE LAWN DARTS.

I FORGOT HOW FUN IS THIS?!

BRAD.

YES?

LILY'S NOT IN THE BATHROOM.

I'M JUST JUMPING, MAN.

I'M DONE.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET ME

FOR MY BIRTHDAY?

NO, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.

WELL, JUST GIVE ME A HINT.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE.

THAT'S NOT A HINT.

A HINT IS, LIKE, "IT'S SPARKLY,"

OR "IT RHYMES WITH THECKLACE."

SORRY, BABY, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT TILL SATURDAY.

OH. MMM-MM!

CREEPY.

WHAT?

I WAS IN THE BATHROOM

JUST TAKING A-- JUST TAKING A BREAK,

AND, UH...

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, I SEE THAT O'KEEFE KID IN MIDAIR, LOOKIN' AT ME.

OH! OH.

IT'S OK. IT JUST FROZE ME UP A LITTLE BIT.

NO.

ARE YOU OK?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S JUST-- IT'S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK,

AND IT SHOULD BE REALLY SPECIAL AND ROMANTIC.

I MEAN, I HAVE THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND,

AND HE SHOULD GIVE ME THE PERFECT GIFT,

BUT HE WON'T BECAUSE HE'S A BIG FAT IDIOT.

OH. I WISH I COULD HELP YOU.

DO YOU MEAN THAT, UNCLE EDDIE?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, I'M YOUR UNCLE.

I'M NOT GONNA BE AROUND FOREVER.

YOU SHOULD TAKE MORE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

OK, WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU COULD DO.

WELL, WHENEVER YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT IS--

I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.

I WANT YOU TO FIND OUT WHAT DEAN IS GETTING ME.

THAT WAY I CAN GET USED TO THE IDEA OF HOW MUCH IT SUCKS

AND I WON'T BURST INTO TEARS ON MY BIRTHDAY.

RIGHT. WE WOULDN'T WANT 16 TO BE LIKE 15...

OR 14 OR 13 OR 8.

THANK YOU, UNCLE EDDIE.

SO YOU'RE NOT AT ALL CURIOUS

ABOUT WHAT I'M GETTING YOU?

WELL, I ASSUME IT'S WHAT YOU GET ME

EVERY BIRTHDAY-- A BLESSING.

FINE. NO BLESSING.

HEY, DAD, HOW WAS THE WEDDING?

THE WEDDING WAS GREAT.

[THUD] OH.

OH, GOD.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE RECEPTION COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.

MY GOD. MOM!

I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

OK, BABY, JUST SET YOU DOWN RIGHT HERE.

OOH! WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED IS I AM SUCH A COMPLETE IDIOT,

I LOST MY GLASSES.

YOU WEAR CONTACTS.

YES, I DID.

BUT THE CONTACTS WERE STARTING TO BE A HASSLE.

I--I JUST NEED TO BRUSH MY TEETH.

I NEED PRIVACY!

WHERE ARE THE COTTON BALLS?

HELLO? I NEED PRIVACY NOW!

HEY, HEY, HEY. JUST ONE MINUTE.

HEY, WAIT. OH, IT'S IN YOUR HAIR!

IT'S IN YOUR HAIR. HELLO?! PRIVACY!

MY CONTACT IS IN HIS HAIR!

[MUMBLES]

GLASSES JUST SEEMED EASIER, YOU KNOW.

THEN I TURN AROUND AND LOSE 'EM,

AND NOW I'M BLIND AS A BAT.

BABY, COME ON. YOU'LL BE OK.

HONEY, I WAS MEETING ALL YOUR OLD WORK BUDDIES

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I DON'T THINK I MADE A GREAT IMPRESSION.

CLAUDIA, JENNY.

OH, JENNY, HI. [CHUCKLES]

SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH!

[ALL SHOUTING]

OH!

AAH! AAH!

[MEN WHISTLE, CALL OUT]

EXCUSE ME, IS THIS THE DRINK LINE?

COME ON, BABY, THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE CHARMING.

YEAH, WHATEVER.

CAN YOU FIND SOME ASPIRIN IN HERE?

MY HEAD IS KILLING ME.

HUH? WHAT?

BABY, THERE'S NO ASPIRIN IN HERE,

BUT THERE'S 2 PLANE TICKETS TO MAUI

AND AN ENVELOPE FULL OF CASH FROM UNCLE JACK?

I TOOK THE BRIDE'S PURSE?!

I SAY WE GIVE THAT BACK.

BUT I'M JUST ONE VOTE.

HEY, DEAN.

OH, GOD, O'KEEFE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HANGIN'.

YOU'VE GOTTA STOP HANGIN'.

OK, LILY'S NOT INTO YOU.

MOVE ON. THIS IS GETTING SAD.

OK, LISTEN. FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I'M CHILLIN' WITH JIMMY, MY HOMESLICE.

I'M YOUR HOMESLICE?

YES. THERE'S NOTHIN' SAD ABOUT THAT.

COME ON. LET'S GO PLAY HOT WHEELS.

HEY, I GOT RID OF MY HOT WHEELS, LIKE, 5 YEARS AGO.

WH--FINE, I'LL GO GET MINE.

HEY. HEY.

SO, NATURALLY, I'M EXTREMELY CURIOUS

ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GETTING LILY FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

YOU ARE?

YEAH, YOU SHOULD TELL ME,

BECAUSE THEN I DON'T END UP GETTING THE SAME THING.

RIGHT.

I GOT HER A BOOM BOX.

YEAH. CD PLAYER, TAPE PLAYER, AM/FM.

IT'S GOT AN ANTENNA, HANDLES, CORDLESS--

SO BASICALLY, YOU GOT HER A BOOM BOX.

OH, YEAH.

AND IF YOU'RE TRYING TO PICTURE THIS THING,

IT'S BLACK.

BLACK.

Sean: OK, CLAUD, I'M GONNA GET YOU SOME MORE ICE, BABE.

HEY, DAD, THE VCR KEEPS EJECTING MY TAPE.

THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU AND JIMMY HAVE BEEN MONKEYING AROUND WITH IT.

THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE AND COMPLICATED PIECE OF MACHINERY,

SO STOP FOOLING WITH IT!

I WASN'T MONKEYING AROUND WITH IT.

AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT BETTER THAN YOU DO.

NO, YOU DON'T.

OH, YEAH? THEN HOW COME

YOU KEEP TAPING TELEMUNDO?

OK...

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS ESPN.

THE CABLE COMPANY KEEPS SWITCHING THE CHANNELS ON ME.

AND YET I STILL GET SPONGEBOB.

SEAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

CLAUDIA WAS SICK OF HER GLASSES?

I KNOW A GUY WHO DOES LASIK.

IS HE LICENSED? HE WAS.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

MONEY'S NO OBJECT.

MOM AND DAD ARE RUNNING AN INSURANCE SCAM.

NO. IT'S NOT A SCAM.

IT'S TOTALLY LEGIT.

IT'S JUST THAT MY INSURANCE FROM MY CITY JOB

IS RUNNING OUT THIS WEEK,

SO I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANY OF IT.

YEAH, I NOTICED.

WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE OUT HIS WISDOM TEETH?

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE THEM YET.

CAN YOU TAKE OUT THE BACK MOLARS

SO THAT THEY CAN GROW IN?

[GARBLED] STAY AWAY FROM MY MOUTH!

OK, THEY'RE UP TO DATE ON ALL THEIR SHOTS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?

THAT ONE'S NOT CHECKED.

WILL THEY BE GOING TO PAPUA, NEW GUINEA,

ANY TIME SOON?

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY. JUICE 'EM UP.

[ALL GROAN]

WHAT ARE THE HAIR GROWTH PILLS FOR?

I DON'T KNOW. THEY WERE AN $8.00 CO-PAY.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GIVING THEM TO GRANDPA FOR CHRISTMAS.

Claudia: HEY, SEAN!

YEAH, BABE?

HEY, GUYS, LOOK.

YOU...GOT...

I KNOW. I GOT NEW GLASSES

WHILE WE'RE STILL COVERED, YOU KNOW.

AREN'T THEY SO CUTE?! OH!

WELL...THEY'RE--YEAH.

RRR! VERY...

WELL, I'M GUESSING YOU WERE PRETTY RELIEVED

WHEN SHE LOST THE GLASSES.

WHY? WHY--WHY WOULD I BE RELIEVED

THAT MY WIFE CAN'T SEE?

COME ON, SEAN, I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW YOUR TYPE AND SHE DOESN'T WEAR GLASSES.

CLAUDIA USED TO WEAR GLASSES, REMEMBER?

I REMEMBER IT WELL.

HEY, SEAN,

ARE YOU GONNA GO TO THE WHAM CONCERT?

I CAN'T SEE INTO THE FUTURE,

BUT SEEING AS HOW THEY SUCK, NO.

I SEE. OK.

AND WE WERE TOTALLY JUST HANGING OUT IN MY ROOM...

WHOA, CHECK OUT THE NEW GIRL.

...TO THE NEW WHAM ALBUM FOR, LIKE--

YOU LIKE WHAM? I LOVE WHAM.

WHAM IS SO COOL.

TOTALLY.

SEAN, YOU GOTTA STOP BEIN' SO SHALLOW.

CLAUDIA IS MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY FACE.

I KNOW. SHE'S MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

I KNOW. OK, OK.

SHE'S MUCH, MUCH MORE--

JUST STOP IT, ALL RIGHT?!

Claudia: SEAN, WHERE'S MY ICE?

I'M COMIN', BABE.

WELL?

OH, YEAH, YOU'LL BE PSYCHED TO KNOW

YOU'RE GETTING A BOOM BOX.

A BOOM BOX? YEAH.

IT'S THE GIFT OF MUSIC...OR NEWS.

IT'S BLACK.

OH, NO, NO, NO NO, NO, NO.

I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE BAD,

BUT NOT BOOM-BOX BAD.

UNCLE EDDIE, YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM TO GET ME SOMETHING ELSE.

NO. DON'T MAKE ME TALK TO THAT GUY ANYMORE.

EDDIE!

EDDIE, COME ON! IT'S MY 16th BIRTHDAY.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE...

UNTIL PROM. PLEASE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I DON'T KNOW. TELL HIM TO GET ME SOMETHING

THAT SHOWS HE CARES, LIKE JEWELRY.

A LOCKET.

MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER COMING FROM YOU.

NO, NO. I WANNA BE SURPRISED, OK?

DON'T SUCK ALL THE ROMANCE OUT OF THIS, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW-- I MEAN, I DO ALL THIS FOR YOU.

WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE FOR ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?

WELL, LAST YEAR I GOT YOU A SWEATER AND A BOOK

AND THAT SHIRT.

YOU GOT ME THIS SHIRT?

MM-HMM. OH.

IT'S A NICE SHIRT. YEAH.

DAMN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRYING TO FIX THE VCR.

THE KIDS KEEP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT.

MR. FINNERTY, YOU GOT A MOVIE STUCK IN THERE?

HEY, HEY. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, BRAD.

OH, IT'S THAT KIND OF MOVIE.

CAN I BORROW IT?

LOOK, JUST STAY AWAY FROM THIS, ALL RIGHT?

THAT GOES FOR EVERYBODY.

DON'T TOUCH THIS. I HAVE TO GET SOME PLIERS.

[SIGHS] BRAD, WHY DO YOU KEEP HANGING AROUND HERE?

YOU'RE MAKING DEAN AND ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

I'M JUST HANGING WITH MY BUD JIMMY.

IF HE WANTS TO INVITE ME OVER, IT'S HIS BUSINESS.

I DIDN'T INVITE YOU OVER.

JIMBO AND I HAVE A CASUAL KIND

OF CHILLIN' OUT THING GOIN' ON, OK?

YOU NEED TO GET OVER YOURSELF.

ALL RIGHT.

WANNA GO UPSTAIRS AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC?

NO!

GOOD, 'CAUSE I'M CHILLIN' WITH J-DAWG!

[CLEARS THROAT] LATER, DUDE.

REVERSE DOUBLE-AXLE.

YOU'RE JUST JUMPING.

MIDAIR TRIPLE-CORKSCREW!

YOU'RE GOING UP AND DOWN.

HEY, DEAN, I'VE BEEN DOING A LITTLE THINKING

ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.

WHAT PROBLEM?

YOU KNOW, ABOUT WHAT TO GET LILY

FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

NO. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, REMEMBER?

I GOT HER THE BOOM BOX.

YEAH, BUT THE THING ABOUT THE BOOM BOX IS,

YOU KNOW, SHE CAN'T WEAR IT.

YOU KNOW, WEAR IT AROUND, SHOW HER FRIENDS.

NO, NO, IT'S GOT A HANDLE.

I JUST HAD A BRAINSTORM!

WHAT YOU NEED TO GET HER IS A LOCKET.

A LOCKET?

YOU REALLY THINK THAT LILY'S INTO THAT TYPE OF THING?

OH, YEAH. I HAVE A FEELING FOR THESE KIND OF THINGS.

TRUST ME, YOU KNOW? OH, YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS, MAN.

NO PROBLEM.

UNCLE EDDIE, CHECK THIS OUT.

TRIPLE-KAMIKAZE BELLY FLOP!

YOU'RE JUST JUMPING.

JIMMY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MY HEAD.

I THINK I GOT IT, MOM.

OH, MY GOD! JIMMY,

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

I JUST GOTTA-- NO, NO, NO. DON'T--

DAMN IT, YOU BROKE IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

EVERYBODY UP TO THEIR ROOMS!

MOM, I FOUND YOUR GLASSES.

WHAT?!

Sean: WOW. WHOA. WOW.

THAT'S--THAT'S WEIRD.

DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE IN THERE?

HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW THEY WERE IN THERE?

IT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE KIDS. RIGHT, KIDS?

WHY WOULD I HURT OUR VCR?

I LOVE OUR VCR.

DO I STILL HAVE TO GO TO MY ROOM?

UH, WE SHOULD PROBABLY BOTH TO GO YOUR ROOM, JIMMY!

HEY, SEAN! GET--

GREAT NEWS.

YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON TRACK FOR THE LOCKET.

YES! THANK YOU! THANK YOU, UNCLE EDDIE!

DON'T THANK ME, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMETHING'S THIS IMPORTANT TO YOU,

WHO'S THERE? ME. I'M THERE, RIGHT?

YES, AND WHERE IS DEAN BUYING THE LOCKET?

I DON'T KNOW. EDDIE!

NO! COME ON!

IT CAN'T JUST BE ANY LOCKET!

IT'S GOTTA BE THE RIGHT LOCKET.

DEAN MAY NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT A LOCKET IS.

HE'S NOT A SMART SHOPPER.

I'M SURE HE'LL DO FINE.

NO! EDDIE!

LISTEN TO ME, OK?

IT'S GOTTA BE THE WHITE GOLD LOCKET FROM CLAIRE-FLORA'S,

AND IT SHOULD BE ENGRAVED.

IT SHOULD SAY, LIKE, "LOVE FOREVER."

"LOVE FOREVER," OK?

AND--AND I WANT THIS PICTURE OF DEAN ON ONE SIDE,

AND THIS PICTURE OF ME ON THE OTHER.

THAT WILL SHOW HOW MUCH HE CARES.

DEAN'S A LUCKY GUY.

COME ON, EDDIE. WEREN'T YOU EVER 16?

NOT LIKE YOU.

WHY? W-WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, DID--DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE FUNNY?

NO.

DID--DID YOU THINK I WOULD NEVER FIND OUT?

MAYBE.

I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

NO!

WELL, PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

MAYBE I WASN'T THINKING, OK?

I WAS JUST FEELING.

HEY, HEY! WHO'S GOT THE HOTTEST WIFE IN THE WHOLE WORLD, HUH?

[WEAKLY] ME.

I'LL BE DOWN IN JUST 2 SECONDS.

I JUST HAVE TO PUT ON MASCARA.

Claudia: SEAN?

YEAH?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY GLASSES?

NO. NO, BABY, I HAVEN'T.

WHY--WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT?

WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

YOU COULD COME OUT AND TELL ME

YOU DON'T LIKE THE GLASSES.

OH, COME ON. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

WHAT? I CAN ACCEPT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

OH, YEAH. SURE, YOU CAN,

EXCEPT YOU CAN'T.

HEY.

I'M HEADING OUT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S A GREAT OUTFIT.

THANK YOU.

BUT I'M NOT 100% SURE THAT'S THE BEST LOOK FOR YOU

IN THE OLD HAIR DEPARTMENT.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, I THINK IT LOOKED BETTER BEFORE.

BEFORE?!

YEAH, WELL, BEFORE YOU WENT UPSTAIRS.

BEFORE I WENT UPSTAIRS AND SPENT AN HOUR STYLING IT?!

IT LOOKS GREAT.

OH, NO. NO. YOU ARE THE EXPERT ON HAIRSTYLES.

HERE. HERE'S A COMB, MASTER.

WHY DON'T YOU STYLE IT?!

OK, THAT ISN'T EVEN A GOOD EXAMPLE,

BECAUSE MY HAIRSTYLE THAT NIGHT WAS CUTE!

YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW THAT NOW.

OK. I SEE. I'M THE MONSTER.

I DESERVE TO HAVE MY GLASSES BROKEN.

LOOK. LOOK. CHUCK AND TELLY ARE ALWAYS TALKING

ABOUT HOW HOT THEIR WIVES ARE, YOU KNOW?

AND I JUST WANTED TO GO TO NED AND AMY'S WEDDING

WITH MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE ON MY ARM!

SO YOU HATE MY GLASSES SO MUCH,

YOU'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH ME?!

NO, BABY, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED.

I JUST WAS...LESS...PROUD THAN I MIGHT BE.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN MY HAIR TURNS GRAY?!

OH, COME ON, BABY, THAT'S YEARS FROM NOW!

NEWS FLASH: IN THE NEXT 40 YEARS I MAY GAIN A POUND

JUST IN CASE YOU'RE WORKING ON YOUR PERSONAL AD.

LOOK, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT, OK?!

I'M JUST SAYING THIS OUT OF LOVE.

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT MY APPEARANCE THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE,

I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO CHANGE IT.

OH.

SO IF THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT WAS NOT PERFECT,

I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING?

WELL, I WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU WOULDN'T.

DO YOU REALLY WANNA DO THIS?

DO YOU HAVE A LOT?

YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT TWICE A YEAR AT MOST

BY A GUY WHO GROOMS GOLDEN RETRIEVERS.

OK, THAT WAS YEARS AGO, AND HE WENT TO BARBER SCHOOL--

AND THE TATTOOS-- WHAT? YOU COULDN'T HAVE STOPPED AT 5?!

LOOK, I OFFERED TO GET "CLAUDIA" RIGHT HERE.

BY THE WAY, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE FLANNEL?

YOU KNOW WHAT, SEAN? PEARL JAM CALLED.

OH, DID THEY? YEAH. DID THEY LEAVE SOME KIND OF MESSAGE?

YES. [MOCKING] THEY WANT THEIR SHIRT BACK.

HA HA! LOOK, SORRY. I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT HOW I DRESS.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T CRITICIZE YOU FOR THOSE THINGS,

'CAUSE WHEN I LOOK AT YOU

I DON'T SEE A SCRAGGLY GUY WITH TATTOOS.

I SEE MY HUSBAND

AND THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN,

AND I JUST WISH YOU COULD SEE ME THAT WAY.

COME ON, BABY, I DON'T--

LAUGHING RIGHT NOW WOULD BE VERY STUPID.

SO YOU BROKE THE GLASSES, EH?

NO. NO. NO, I DID NOT BREAK THE GLASSES.

I HID THEM. SPONGEBOB BROKE THE GLASSES.

WELL, THIS IS A PROBLEM, SEAN.

OH, MAN. IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN YOU THINK.

HEY.

ARE YOU SLEEPY?

FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT, BECAUSE...

UH...

ONE SECOND, BABE.

THIS ISN'T FUN.

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

HMM?

HMM.

WHAT? HMM.

HMM?

YOU'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS ISSUES.

I DON'T HAVE ISSUES.

I GOT PREFERENCES, YOU KNOW?

AND I JUST PREFER TO SEE CLAUDIA AS CLAUDIA,

NOT LIKE SOME, UH...

LIKE SOME, UH--

LIKE AN OLD LADY IN GLASSES, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT LITTLE OLD LADIES HERE.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I KNOW! I KNOW.

IT JUST--IT BRINGS UP BAD MEMORIES.

WHEN YOU'RE THE BABY-SITTER, YOU CAN CHOOSE THE PROGRAMS.

NO 45 CENTS, NO TACO.

IT WON'T HEAL IF YOU KEEP PICKING IT.

ALL WE HAVE IS THE BEAN CASSEROLE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOUR PARENTS

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE BATHTUB.

TAKE OFF YOUR UNDERPANTS.

IT'S TIME FOR THE WORM TEST.

STOP FIXATING ON ALL THESE NEGATIVE MEMORIES.

THERE'S A LOT OF GREAT LADIES THAT WORE GLASSES.

YOU KNOW, THINK OF-- THINK OF MOM.

OH, GOD, MAN! NO!

I DON'T WANT TO THINK OF MOM AND GLASSES

AND CLAUDIA AND SEX ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I'M JUST SAYING.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, ALL RIGHT! JUST STOP IT.

YOU CAN DO A LOT WORSE THAN MOM.

JUST...STOP TALKIN' ABOUT MOM!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

OK?

HEY, GUYS.

HEY. YOU BEEN OUT SHOPPING FOR LILY?

YES, SIR.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS?

SHE WANTS A BOOM BOX. SEAN.

NO, SERIOUSLY. HER TAPE DECK'S ALL--

SEAN, I GOT IT COVERED.

OH. SO YOU CAN--

SO I GOT IT.

YEAH, LET'S SEE IT.

OH! OOH. I'M--THIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTING.

YOU GOTTA TAKE THAT BACK.

BUT YOU TOLD ME TO GET A LOCKET. I GOT A LOCKET.

I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT I SAID,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S NO GOOD.

WE GOTTA GO TO THE MALL NOW.

TO THE MALL? LOOK, I GOTTA KNOW.

IS THIS SOME SORT OF TRICK

WHERE I'M ACTUALLY BUYING YOU THE LOCKET?

NO. IF THAT WAS THE CASE,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THIS A LONG TIME AGO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO HAVE A SLEEP-OVER.

WOW. THAT SOUNDS GREAT. I KNOW!

WHY DON'T WE DO IT AT YOUR HOUSE?

WHAT? NO. I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON YOUR HOUSE.

WE DIDN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING, MAN.

WE'RE NOT EVEN FRIENDS.

WE'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND A LOT.

YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY SISTER!

SHE HOME? GET OUT OF HERE!

WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT, J-DAWG?!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY, BABY.

WHATCHA DOING?

LAUNDRY.

OH, BABY, THOSE SOCKS DON'T REALLY MATCH, AND I--

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I LIKE IT.

LISTEN, I KNOW I CAN BE A JERK,

AND I KNOW I DRESS LOUSY, AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

BACK HAIR.

OK, I--I KNEW YOU'D TELL ME.

RED BACK HAIR. ALL RIGHT.

THE POINT IS: I--I LOVE YOU,

AND I--AND I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,

AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING I LOVE ABOUT YOU,

BUT SOMETIMES I THINK I-- I FIXATE ON THE BEAUTY PART

TO AN UNHEALTHY DEGREE.

SWEETIE, WE GOT MARRIED WHEN WE WERE 18.

I AM NOT ALWAYS GONNA LOOK LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS 18.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,

BECAUSE LOOK-- LOOKEE WHAT I FOUND.

OH, GOD.

THOSE ARE SO UGLY.

OH.

IT DEPENDS ON WHO'S WEARING THEM.

OH, YEAH. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE GETTING ANYTHING FROM THIS.

OH, I'M COMING AROUND.

YOU REMIND ME OF THAT HOT GOLDEN GIRL.

YOU KNOW, THE REALLY OLD ONE?

THAT'S SO CREEPY.

MMM. COME TO MAMA.

OH, GOD! DON'T SAY THAT!

PLEASE. PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT.

IT'S A NICE NIGHT.

YEAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

UM, SO, LIL, I, UH...

I KNOW YOUR BIRTHDAY ISN'T UNTIL NEXT WEEK AND EVERYTHING,

BUT, UM, I WANT TO GIVE THIS TO YOU NOW,

BECAUSE, UH, WHEN I FOUND IT,

I JUST COULDN'T WAIT.

SO...

DEAN, WHAT IS IT?

OPEN IT.

OH, MY GOD! IT'S A LOCKET! YEAH.

OH, MY GOD! I LOVE IT!

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED?

OH, I KNOW WHAT MY BABY LIKES.

WHOO-HOO!

WHOA!

OK, HENRY. HEY, HEY, THAT'S IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET OFF THE TRAMPOLINE.

OUR INSURANCE EXPIRED YESTERDAY.

OH, COME ON, DAD. JUST ONE MORE HOUR.

CAN'T RISK IT. COME ON. LET'S GO.

THAT'S MY BOY.

WHOA!

OW!

CAN YOU WALK IT OFF?

NO!

OW.

CLAUDIA!