Original subtitles

OH, MY GOD. HOW--WHY IS OUR POWER BILL SO HIGH?

[YELLING] DOESN'T ANYONE KNOW HOW

TO TURN A LIGHT OFF IN THIS HOUSE?

HONEY, AND THE CABLE--

THE CABLE IS RIDICULOUS.

OH, WELL, LOOK BECAUSE SOMEONE ORDERED

LILO & STITCH 5 TIMES.

HEY, SOMEBODY ORDERED

PLEASURE ISLAND 4 TWICE.

OK, OK, LOOK,

THE POINT IS WE ALL JUST HAVE TO

TIGHTEN OUR BELTS AROUND HERE. OK?

SEAN, WE'VE BEEN MALIGNED IN THE PRESS.

WHAT?

SOME JERK REVIEWED OUR BAR.

WHERE?

IN THE STATEN ISLAND SHOPPER.

OH, THAT STUPID RAG

THEY STACK UP NEXT TO THE ATMs?

WAIT, I THOUGHT THIS THING

WAS JUST HOROSCOPES AND ADS FOR HOOKERS.

READ--READ THIS COLUMN:

THE SCENESTER.

OK, "THE RED BOOT PUB, WHICH RECENTLY RE-OPENED

UNDER NEW MIS-MANAGEMENT..."

AH HA, AH, HO, HO. THAT'S FUNNY, HUH?

"A SHABBY WATERING HOLE IN THE WALL

THAT RELIES HEAVILY ON PSEUDO-IRISH KITSCH."

PSEUDO? PSEUDO WHAT?

YOU'RE LIKE THE--THE TALKING SHAMROCK.

I KNOW.

WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO THIS GUY?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT--WHAT IS--WHAT--

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TO HIM?

NOTHING. NOTHING. WE'RE GONNA IGNORE HIM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING.

ED, NO ONE READS THIS THING, ALL RIGHT?

JUST LET IT GO.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA LET IT GO.

LET IT GO. YEAH, RISE ABOVE IT.

IT JUST IRKS ME. GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S CREDIT CARD IS THIS?

UH, THAT'S LILY'S CARD FOR EMERGENCIES.

WELL, SHE HAD A HELL OF LOT OF EMERGENCIES

AT THE GAP THIS MONTH.

LILY!

WELL, I COULDN'T DECIDE BETWEEN

THE SCOOP-NECK AND THE V-NECK,

SO I GOT BOTH.

AH, HANG UP THAT PHONE.

WHAT--I GOTTA GO!

SHE'S GOTTA GO!

[ANNOYED] WHAT?

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CREDIT CARD BILL?

WOW, THAT REALLY ADDS UP.

YES, YES, IT DOES.

AND YOU EXPECT, WHAT, US TO PAY FOR IT?

WELL, NOT ALL OF IT.

JUST THE MINIMUM PAYMENT.

Claudia: NO WAY.

NO, YOU ARE GONNA PAY THIS YOURSELF.

OK, BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

UP MY ALLOWANCE.

NO, NO, YOU'RE GETTIN' A JOB.

[LAUGHING]

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SERIOUS.

YES, WE ARE.

LOOK, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF JOBS RIGHT IN HERE.

BUT THOSE ARE ALL ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS.

OH, COME ON. YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE.

YOU HAVE NO MARKETABLE SKILLS.

YOU'RE THE DEFINITION OF ENTRY LEVEL.

ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO. IHOP.

IHOP'S LOOKIN' FOR WAITRESSES.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS."

I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW, I JUST--

I DON'T THINK I'M THE SORT OF PERSON

THAT CAN BE HAPPY GOING INTO WORK EVERYDAY.

YOU THINK I'M HAPPY

GOING INTO MY JOB EVERYDAY?

I GUESS. YOU DO IT.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, THE STATEN ISLAND SHOPPER

THINKS OUR BAR IS SHABBY.

WE COULD USE AN ENTRY-LEVEL CLEANING PERSON THERE.

WHY DOESN'T JIMMY HAVE TO GET A JOB?

HE'S TOO YOUNG.

I'LL TAKE THE JOB.

YOU'RE YOUNGER THAN I AM, IDIOT.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S-- IT'S FAIRLY SIMPLE, LILY.

YOU EITHER TAKE THE JOB

OR YOU LOSE THE CREDIT CARD.

FINE.

HEY, BUT CAN'T I HAVE SOME JOB, DAD?

ACTUALLY, HENRY, YOU CAN.

OUR ELECTRICITY BILL IS WAY TOO HIGH AROUND HERE,

SO WE COULD USE "AN ENERGY MONITOR."

I'LL DO THAT!

WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT JOB?

IT PAYS IN SNICKERS.

SWEET.

THIS IS STILL FROZEN.

WHO PUT THE OVEN ON 100 DEGREES?

THE ENERGY MONITOR.

OK, BUT I PUT IT ON 400.

YES, I SAVED YOU 300 DEGREES.

HEY, SWEETPEA,

HOW DID, UH, LILY'S FIRST DAY OF WORK GO?

WELL, IT WAS HER FIRST DAY OF SOMETHING.

I'M NOT SURE YOU COULD CALL IT WORK.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

ALL RIGHT, LILY, THAT'S NOT MOPPING.

THAT'S PLOPPING.

WELL, IT WORKS.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

YOU'RE JUST MAKING ONE SPOT REALLY WET.

WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO,

OK, IS WRING OUT...

ALL THE EXCESS WATER, SEE?

TRY THAT.

TRY MOVING IT AROUND.

MOVE IT AROUND HOW?

OK, CLEARLY I SHOULDN'T HAVE THROWN AWAY

THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A HANDLE. OK?

YOU HANDS GOES HERE.

IT'S SAYS HAND RIGHT IN THE WORD.

ALL RIGHT,

AND THEN YOU MOVE IT IN A CIRCULAR MANNER.

OK, UNTIL YOU GENERALLY CREATE

A ZONE OF CLEANLINESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M MOPPING THE FLOOR.

LOOKS GOOD.

COME ON, SWEETIE,

THE PROBLEM IS SHE'S NEVER WORKED BEFORE.

NO, NO, NO, THE PROBLEM IS

THAT KIDS THESE DAYS, OK,

THEY DON'T APPRECIATE HARD WORK.

THEY DON'T PAY THEIR DUES.

THEY WANT EVERYTHING HANDED TO 'EM.

[LAUGHTER] I'M S--

DID YOU JUST SAY, "KIDS THESE DAYS"?

YEAH.

YEAH, I GUESS I DID

BECAUSE WHEN OUR PARENTS USED TO SAY,

"KIDS THESE DAYS" IT--IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING,

BUT--BUT WHEN IS SAY, "KIDS THESE DAYS"

IT'S--IT'S LIKE

THE--THE KIDS THAT OUR PARENTS WERE REFERRING TO

ARE THESE KIDS THESE DAYS.

OK. OK, SWEETIE, JUST CALM DOWN. ALL RIGHT?

NO, LILY WILL GET THERE. NO!

SHE WILL.

NO, SHE'S NOT GETTIN' ANYWHERE.

LILY, WHAT'S THIS DOIN' RIGHT HERE?

YOU TOLD ME TO BAG THE GARBAGE.

AND?

I DID.

AND TAKE IT OUT BACK TO THE DUMPSTER.

WELL, I'M NOT A MIND READER.

I DECIDED TO TEST OUT THE PINBALL MACHINE.

OH, WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE SHOWING SOME INITIATIVE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I WAS MOCKING YOU.

NOW WHY DON'T YOU TEST OUT YOUR LEGS

AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE?

FINE.

NOW!

I'M GOING!

OH,

"I HATE MY JOB." GREAT.

NICE USE OF TIME, LILY!

[SIGH]

HOW'S THE THING WITH, UH, LILY?

ONLY SLIGHTLY WORSE THAN IF WE'D HIRED NOBODY.

I MEAN, LIKE, TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE

IS LIKE A 15-STEP PROCESS.

WHERE WAS SHE TAKIN' IT?

TO THE DUMPSTER.

WHY?

I SAW HER GETTIN' INTO A CAB.

WHAT?

LILY! LILY!

SHE DIDN'T.

YEAH, SHE DID. SHE BAILED.

WELL, THEN...

WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

WELL, CLEARLY THEN

SHE CAN'T PAY OFF HER CREDIT CARD,

SO SHE'S GONNA LOSE THE CARD.

OH, YEAH, IT'S GONE.

OH, AND, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

I THINK SHE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED

TO SHOP AT ALL.

AGREED.

IF SHE WANTS NEW CLOTHES...

SHE CAN WEAVE 'EM HERSELF.

BRILLIANT.

I'LL PINCH HER.

GOOD. GOOD, HENRY, YOU PINCH HER.

[DOOR CLOSES]

HEY, ANY SIGN OF HER?

LILY. WHO?

NO, I LOOKED ALL OVER.

OH, COME ON. YOU DIDN'T LOOK ANYWHERE.

SEAN, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO PLAY GAMES.

IT'S--IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.

WHAT? WHAT?

OH, GOD.

OH, OH.

"DECIDED TO GIVE THE RED BOOT PUB A SECOND CHANCE.

"THE BROTHERS FINNERTY WERE AS SURLY AS EVER.

"THE LARGER, LOUDER FINNERTY

"POURED ME A STALE ALE

"AND THEN BELLOWED AT THE SINISTER BROODING FINNERTY

GO WORK YOUR MAGIC ON THE LADIES CRAPPER"?

CRAPPER?

I NEVER SAID CRAPPER!

AND SINCE WHEN DO I BROOD?

I DON'T BROOD. I HAVEN'T BROODED IN YEARS.

Claudia: WHY IS--

WHY IS THIS IDIOT

ATTACKING YOU 2 WEEKS IN A ROW?

BECAUSE HE'S A PRETENTIOUS

KNOW-NOTHING

IN NEED OF AN EDUCATIONAL BEATING.

HEY!

WE JUST HAVE TO IGNORE THIS GUY. OK?

IGNORE? I CAN'T IGNORE HIM.

OH, COME ON.

YOU HAVE IGNORED HIM, HAVEN'T YOU, ED?

I WROTE HIM ONE LETTER.

OH, GOD, EDDIE!

WHAT? I HAD TO! IT WAS CONSUMING ME.

Eddie V.O.: DEAR SCENESTER,

THROUGH THE AGES

CRITICISM HAS BEEN A REFUGE FOR--NAH.

DEAR SCENESTER,

H.L. MENCKEN SAID IT BEST WHEN HE--

AH, WRONG.

DEAR BASTARD,

THE RED BOOT PUB

WOULD LIKE TO CORDIALLY INVITE YOU TO EAT--

THIS IS GOOD.

AND DIE.

VERY TRULY YOURS,

EDWIN...

AND SEAN FINNERTY.

YOU SIGNED MY NAME TO IT?

IT WAS OFFICIAL RED BOOT CORRESPONDENCE.

ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH. JUST STOP. OK?

YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE.

I'LL WRITE A RETRACTION.

NO, UH-UH. NO MORE WRITING.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE.

YEAH, YEAH, IT'S GETTIN' COLD.

HEY, UM, ENERGY MONITOR?

YES?

DID YOU TURN THE THERMOSTAT DOWN?

TO WHAT? YES.

TO OFF!

HENRY!

PUT ON A JACKET OR MAYBE A SWEATER,

LET'S ALL MAKE THE PLANET

A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

Claudia: HENRY,

TURN UP THE HEAT

OR YOU'RE GONNA GET BEAT.

HEY.

OH, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,

IF IT ISN'T OUR LITTLE

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

MM, DAD--

UH-UH! NO!

OK, YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO,

SO JUST SHUT YOUR TRAP

AND LISTEN. OK?

YOU WERE GIVEN A PERFECTLY GOOD JOB,

A JOB YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE,

AND WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE

I WOULD'VE KILLED FOR A CUSHY JOB LIKE YOURS.

ME--ME AND EDDIE, WE--WE HAD REAL JOBS.

WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER GROUNDHOG.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE ANOTHER SQUASHED GROUNDHOG.

COME ON!

BE SOMETHIN' DIFFERENT.

IT'S AN OLD LADY'S WIG.

YOU GONNA PUT IT ON?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR.

SHOW ME YOUR DOLLAR.

NOW THAT-- THAT WAS A REAL JOB.

Eddie: UH, SEAN, TO BE FAIR,

WE QUIT THOSE JOBS AFTER ONE DAY

AND WE STOLE THE SHOVELS.

ED?

UH, GOD, THE FACT IS, OK,

YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN.

YOU HAD A JOB THAT A LOT OF KIDS WOULD KILL FOR.

OK, SO TOMORROW MORNING

8:00 SHARP,

I WANT YOU MOP IN HAND.

I WANT YOU READY TO ROCK.

I CAN'T, DAD.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I GOT A NEW JOB.

YOU DID?

YES, IT'S FANTASTIC, MOM!

I'M A SECRET SHOPPER FOR A.J. KHAKI'S.

A WHAT?

I GET PAID TO SHOP!

AAH!

MMM! OOH!

WHY--WHY--WHY WOULD SOMEONE PAY YOU TO SHOP?

WELL, I'M NOT JUST SHOPPING, OK?

I FILL OUT REPORTS,

AND I EVALUATE THE STORE, CRITIQUE THE SERVICE.

IT'S HARD WORK.

OH, OH, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS JOB

IS GONNA PAY OFF YOUR CREDIT CARD BILL?

OH, DAD, THEY GAVE ME AN ADVANCE.

HERE'S HALF NOW

AND YOU'LL GET THE REST NEXT WEEK.

OK?

OK.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD, YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT FEELS SO GOOD

TO BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY.

I'M GONNA GO TRY ON MY NEW SWEATERS.

[LAUGHING]

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

YES, IT'S FANTASTIC.

FANTASTIC?

WELL, WHAT'S SHE GONNA LEARN FROM THIS JOB?

WHAT WOULD SHE LEARN FLIPPING BURGERS?

OH, WELL, HOW TO WORK HARD,

HOW TO ASPIRE TO SOMETHING BETTER.

YEAH, SHE SKIPPED THAT PART.

GOOD FOR HER.

YEAH? HEY, HENRY,

IT'S PINCHIN' TIME.

OOH LA LA.

Lily: OW, HENRY!

NICE.

HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE WASTING VALUABLE ENERGY.

DECIDE WHAT YOU WANNA EAT

BEFORE YOU LET THE COLD AIR ESCAPE.

ESCAPE?

IT'S COLDER OUT HERE THAN IT IS IN THERE.

DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE TO LOOK.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE HAVE EGGS, YOGURT,

SWISS CHEESE, TUESDAY'S CHICKEN--

FINE. FINE.

UM...I'LL HAVE A YOGURT.

COMIN' UP.

HERE YA GO.

THIS IS A JAR OF OLIVES.

WELL, WAIT AN HOUR AND YOU CAN EXCHANGE IT.

HEY, JIMMY, WHAT'S WITH THE OLIVES?

[SIGH]

SUPPOSED TO BE YOGURT.

WELL, GOOD NEWS, SEAN.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

THE STATEN ISLAND SCENESTER ANYMORE.

I WASN'T WORRIED.

GOOD 'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO BE.

Sean: OK...

YOU KNOW WHAT? NOW I'M WORRIED.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S OK. I DEVELOPED A NEW STRATEGY.

YEAH? [KNOCK AT DOOR]

HI, I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE SCENESTER.

SCENESTER ISN'T HERE.

UH, DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE SCENESTER WILL BE IN?

SCENESTER KEEPS ODD HOURS.

HE GOES WHERE THE SCENE TAKES HIM.

YEAH, OK, LOOK, A LADY OUTSIDE

SAID THE SCENESTER WAS BACK HERE IN THIS OFFICE.

ARE YOU MAD AT THE SCENESTER?

NO, I'M NOT MAD AT THE SCENESTER.

I'M HERE TO BRING THE SCENESTER A CAKE.

I WANNA APOLOGIZE. MY NAME'S EDDIE FINNERTY.

YEAH?

FROM THE RED BOOT PUB.

I'M THE SINISTER BROODING ONE.

THE SCENESTER CALLS 'EM

LIKE HE SEES 'EM.

AS HE SHOULD.

THAT LETTER I SENT,

THAT WAS WRITTEN IN HASTE.

THE SCENESTER MADE SOME GOOD POINTS

AND AS A SHOW OF MY APPRECIATION

I'D LIKE TO JOIN THE ELITE GROUP OF BUSINESSES

THAT ADVERTISE IN YOUR PAPER.

SHALL WE SAY, UH...

WHAT, A HALF-PAGE AD?

OK, HOW 'BOUT A FULL PAGE?

ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE THE SCENESTER?

PLEASE.

THE SCENESTER ISN'T EVEN HERE.

IS HE?

OH, RIGHT.

I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO IGNORE THIS GUY!

WELL, I TRIED TO, BUT THEN I THOUGHT,

WHY NOT MAKE A NEW FRIEND?

JIMMY, WHY DON'T YOU RUN DOWN THE STREET

AND PICK US UP A COPY OF THE NEW ISSUE?

FINE.

IF I'M NOT BACK IN 45 MINUTES

PLEASE EXCHANGE MY OLIVES FOR ME.

OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT!

WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LILY. LILY'S JOB.

THIS IS NOT A GREAT JOB. THIS IS A HORRIBLE JOB!

OK, WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE--OK, LILY ASKED ME TO TAKE HER TO THE MALL

AND THEN AFTER I FINISHED SHOPPING

I WENT TO SEE HOW OUR LITTLE GIRL WAS IN ACTION

AND OH...MY...GOD!

LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANY HELP.

ACTUALLY, YOU CAN HELP ME.

I DON'T SEE ANY OF THESE HOODIES IN A MEDIUM.

UH, DID YOU CHECK OVER HERE?

ISN'T IT YOUR JOB TO CHECK FOR ME?

UH...YEAH. I JUST--

I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU HADN'T CHECKED THERE ALREADY.

OH, I'M SORRY. IS IT MY JOB TO CHECK?

ARE YOU UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT I WORK HERE?

NO, I'M NOT.

I'LL CHECK FOR YOU.

OH, DON'T BOTHER. I ALREADY DID.

YOU HAVE 8 LARGES AND ONE EXTRA SMALL.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CHECK IN THE BACK?

OH, THAT WOULD BE SO WONDERFUL...

HAD YOU DONE THAT BEFORE I GOT HERE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

UH...

YOU KNOW,

ONE OF OUR SALES GIRLS

WENT INTO PREMATURE LABOR THIS MORNING AND--

UH-HUH. MEANWHILE MY ARM IS GETTING TIRED.

LILY.

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS-- THIS IS NOT THE JOB FOR YOU.

WOW. YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO KNOW?

I DO KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FOR A LIVING

AND THE LAST THING THESE PEOPLE NEED

IS TO BE JUDGED BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER HAD A JOB

A DAY IN HER LIFE.

MOM, IT IS MY JOB

TO WEED OUT THE BAD APPLES.

IF NOBODY DOES THAT THE SALES SLIP,

STOCK DROPS, EVERYBODY LOSES.

I'M PROTECTING THE GOOD APPLES

AND GETTING FREE SHOES.

THESE ARE SCUFFED.

MISS?

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A SEC.

OH, TAKE YOUR TIME...

LISA.

[HUMMING DRUDGE]

WHAT KIND OF A DAUGHTER ARE WE RAISING HERE?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS ONLY NASTY

TO PEOPLE SHE LOVED.

OH, MY GOD.

THIS JOB'S NOT TEACHING HER ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS JUST BRINGING OUT

ALL HER WORST QUALITIES

AND REWARDING HER FOR THEM.

EXACTLY. SHE'S BECOME A PROFESSIONAL BITCH.

OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, WE'RE HER PARENTS, SHE'S OUR DAUGHTER.

SHE'S OUR FAULT. WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

SHE'S QUITTIN' THAT JOB. THAT'S FOR SURE.

HERE'S THE PAPER.

I'LL TAKE THAT.

Claudia: WHAT IS ALL OVER YOUR SWEATER?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S RAINING OUT THERE

AND I JUST STARTED TO FOAM UP.

IT'S DETERGENT.

YEAH. I TURNED OFF THE RINSE CYCLE.

IT'S A WASTE OF WATER, GAS,

AND ELECTRICITY.

I'M COVERED IN SOAP!

YEAH, YOU'RE ALL LATHERED UP

AND NOW YOU CAN SHOWER IN HALF THE TIME.

GOOD. THEN I'LL HAVE MORE TIME TO KILL YOU!

THAT WEASEL!

WHAT, HE DIDN'T REVIEW US AGAIN, DID HE?

HOW LOW WILL THEY GO DEPARTMENT.

"THE FINNERTY BROTHERS

"OR AS THE SCENESTER

"WILL HENCEFORTH CALL THEM,

THE BOOT LICKERS..."

WHAT?

"HAVE TRIED TO BUY THE SCENESTER'S FAVOR,

"BUT FEAR NOT, READERS,

"THEIR ATTEMPT AT BRIBERY WAS AS WEAK

AS THEIR SELECTION OF DOMESTIC BREWS."

I WANT MY DAMN CAKE BACK.

THIS--THIS--

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

THIS--THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

SEE? I KNEW HE WAS GETTIN' TO YA.

NO, NO, HE'S NOT GETTIN' TO ME! YOU ARE!

WELL, I'M JUST TRYIN' TO PUT OUT FIRES HERE.

THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED

IF YOU WOULD'VE JUST IGNORED THE GUY!

WELL, YOU JUST IGNORED THE GUY

AND LOOK WHAT GOOD THAT DID!

OH, GOD. I WANNA KILL YOU!

HEY, COME ON. COME ON.

IT'S OK, CLAUDIA. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S OK. HE'S JUST MAD AT THE SCENESTER

AND HE'S TAKIN' IT OUT ON ME. IT'S OK.

HEY, MOM, DAD.

Sean: YOU. LILY,

ALL RIGHT. COME HERE A SEC.

WHAT?

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING

AND WE WANTED YOU TO KNOW

THAT THIS JOB OF YOURS--

AH! ALLOW ME TO FINISH, DAD, I--

PLEASE.

FRANKLY...

I'M NOT VERY HAPPY WITH WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU

AND SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO QUIT THIS JOB

AND YOU'RE GONNA GET A NEW ONE

AND I KNOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE

TO PAY OFF THE CREDIT CARD BILL

AS QUICKLY AS YOU WOULD'VE,

BUT THAT'S OK... BECAUSE...

MONEY'S NOT IMPORTANT HERE.

IT'S WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE INSIDE.

OK, DAD.

GOOD.

THANK YOU.

WHOA. GET BACK HERE.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Sean: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THAT WAS.

THAT WAS ME LAYIN' DOWN THE LAW.

UM, WHERE--WHERE'S THE SCREECHING

AND THE DOOR SLAMMING

AND THAT--THAT SWEET LITTLE LOOK

THAT SAYS I'LL LAUGH WHEN YOU DIE?

WELL, I THOUGHT DAD MADE A VERY GOOD POINT

ABOUT BEING A GOOD PERSON

AND ALL THE THINGS HE JUST SAID.

Sean: YES.

NO, COME ON.

WHY ARE YOU GIVING IN SO EASILY?

WELL, I HAD KINDA A ROUGH DAY AT WORK.

[SIGH]

IS THIS WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND?

NO.

NO, KELLY, THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

I WANTED IT IN POWDER BLUE.

I HOPE YOU CAN DRIVE

BECAUSE CLEARLY YOU'RE COLOR BLIND.

BUT I--I--

I--I WANT THIS SWEATER IN POWDER BLUE.

NOT COBALT. NOT ROBBIN'S EGG.

POWDER.

KELLY, DON'T BOTHER ABOUT THE SWEATER.

EXCUSE ME. I BELIEVE I'M THE CUSTOMER.

KELLY, BLUE SWEATER.

TODAY.

Woman: OK.

YOU CAN BE QUIET NOW, MISS FINNERTY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I'M FROM CORPORATE.

WHAT?

I MONITOR THE SECRET SHOPPERS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EVALUATE OUR EMPLOYEES

IN A NORMAL WORK ENVIRONMENT.

YOU HOWEVER ARE BEING

PATHOLOGICALLY UNPLEASANT.

WELL, I'M JUST TRYING--

I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S MY JOB TO WEED OUT THE BAD APPLES.

BUT THAT'S MY JOB.

NOT ANYMORE. YOU'RE FIRED.

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT A.J. KHAKI'S

AND HAVE A NICE DAY.

CAN I SHOW YOU TO A CHANGING ROOM?

THIS COMES IN ECRU, EGGSHELL, CREAM, AND OFF-WHITE.

I FOUND YOUR POWDER BLUE.

AAH!

I'M GOING TO GET A CINNABON!

YIKES.

YES, I BARELY ESCAPED,

BUT THANK YOU, DADDY,

FOR SAYING I DON'T HAVE TO PAY OFF

MY CREDIT CARD BILL RIGHT AWAY.

OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT'S--THAT'S IF YOU QUIT.

YOU WERE FIRED.

BUT WHO'S GONNA HIRE ME?

OH...SOMEONE WILL.

ALL RIGHT. SEE, IS THAT SO HARD?

YES! I'M GETTING BLISTERS.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE DOIN' IT RIGHT.

HEY, SEAN.

WHAT DO YOU HEAR? WHAT DO YOU SAY?

BAR'S LOOKIN' PRETTY CLEAN.

WHAT, A MAN CAN'T CLEAN HIS OWN BAR?

NO.

WHAT GIVES?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

I MIGHT'VE BROKEN DOWN A LITTLE.

I CALLED THE SCENESTER

AND BEGGED FOR ANOTHER CHANCE.

OH, YOU CALLED THE SCENESTER.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT! YOU CARE. YOU--

I JUST DON'T WANT HIM

TO GET THE WRONG IMPRESSION

OF OUR PLACE! ALL RIGHT?

HE GOT TO YOU. HE GOT TO YOU.

AND YOU'RE TELLIN' ME

ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY, OH, LET IT GO.

HE BROKE YOUR SURLY LITTLE HEART. YOU CARE.

HEY.

IS THAT THE GUY?

YEAH, THAT'S HIM.

OH, HEY, WELCOME TO THE RED BOOT.

COME ON IN. HAVE A SEAT.

I'LL, UH--

HEY! HEY! HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU BLIND, YOU MORON?

DO YOU THINK THE FLOOR JUST CLEANED ITSELF?

WELL, I'M SORRY.

SORRY? WERE YA BORN IN A BARN? HUH?

DO YA NOT SEE THE WETNESS?

[YELLING] DO YA NOT SEE IT?

GOD!

Eddie V.O.: DEAR SCENESTER,

I'M JUST WRITING TO TELL YOU

THAT I NO LONGER CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF MY BAR.

I HOWEVER WILL BE WRITING

A REGULAR REVIEW OF YOUR COLUMN

ON MY PERSONAL WEBLOG AT

WWW.IHATETHESCENESTER.COM.

AMONG THE TOPICS I WILL BE DISCUSSING

ARE YOUR QUESTIONABLE JOURNALISTIC ETHICS

AND THE NEED FOR CRITICS IN GENERAL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKING AT PORNO.

Eddie V.O.: YOUR FAITHFUL READER EDWIN FINNERTY.