Original subtitles

UGH! THIS ORANGE JUICE IS WEAK.

DAD HASN'T BOUGHT A NEW CARTON FOR WEEKS.

HE JUST KEEPS ADDING WATER TO IT.

LOOK, LOOK, YOU JUST GOTTA SHAKE IT AROUND A BIT.

IT BRINGS OUT THE FLAVOR.

MONDAY, I GOT A PIECE OF PULP.

LOOK, COME ON, GUYS. BEAR WITH ME, ALL RIGHT? LOOK.

I TOOK A RISK, SURE, ALL RIGHT,

BUT WHEN THE BAR TAKES OFF,

WE'RE GONNA BE LOOKING BACK ON THIS TIME,

AND WE'RE GONNA BE LAUGHING.

WERE YOU ABLE TO FIX THAT BEER COOLER?

NO. IT NEEDS A NEW COMPRESSOR.

IT'S GONNA COST 1,500 BUCKS.

I'M GONNA TAKE IT FROM LILY'S COLLEGE FUND.

HEY!

YOU KNOW, YOU DIPPED INTO LILY'S COLLEGE FUND FOR THE NEW URINAL.

EW!

NO, NO, NO, I DIPPED INTO JIMMY'S COLLEGE FUND FOR THE URINAL.

I WAS GOING INTO LILY'S COLLEGE FUND FOR CHRISTMAS.

SEAN, THERE'S ANOTHER SOLUTION

YOU JUST MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER.

WHAT'S THAT?

CALL UP MY FATHER AND ASK HIM FOR A LOAN.

NO, NO, NO, NO! COME ON.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

SWEETIE, HE HAS PLENTY OF MONEY,

AND HE LOVES HELPING US.

LOOK, ANY TIME I'VE EVER ACCEPTED

ANYTHING FROM YOUR FATHER,

IT'S COST ME A PIECE OF MY SOUL.

OH, GOD, THANKS FOR THE GRILL, TONY.

THIS IS GREAT.

YEAH, ISN'T SHE A BEAUTY?

NOW, SEE THIS BUTTON HERE, THAT--

THAT'S THE IGNITER. ONE PUSH, AND IT'S ON.

YEAH, I KNOW. I DID IT, AND IT WORKED GREAT.

YEAH, ONE PUSH, NOT TWO.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A ONE PUSH.

YOU DON'T WANT TO PUSH IT TWICE. YOU WANT TO PUSH IT--

ONCE. YEAH. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED THE ONE PUSH.

YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE COOLEST BARBECUE WE'VE EVER HAD.

YEAH, WELL, IT MAY NOT HAVE THE CHARM

OF A RUSTY HIBACHI WEDGED INTO A FISH TANK STAND, BUT...

OHH, MEAT! YOU REMEMBER MEAT?

COME ON, SWEETIE. HE'LL BE HAPPY TO LEND IT TO US.

LOOK, LOOK, HAVE WE HAD TO TIGHTEN UP

OUR BELTS A LITTLE BIT? SURE.

BUT WE DON'T NEED MONEY. WE'RE FINE.

HEY, GUYS, CHECK IT OUT!

LOOK WHAT THE TOOTH FAIRY LEFT ME.

A COUPON FOR A FREE APPETIZER AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.

OK, I'LL CALL HIM.

REMIND ME, SEAN.

HOW MUCH MONEY WE TALKING ABOUT HERE?

UH, $5,000.

$5,000, WOOF!

I KNOW, TONY. IT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

YEAH. I GUESS I DIDN'T REALIZE

HOW DESPERATE YOUR SITUATION WAS.

WE'RE NOT DESPERATE. WE JUST HAVE A COUPLE

OF NECESSARY EXPENSES DOWN AT THE BAR.

WE NEED A NEW COMPRESSOR, NEW TAPS, LINES--

AND EXACTLY HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?

OK. UM, AGAIN,

$5,000.

$5,000.

LOOK, TO BE FAIR, TONY, I DID MENTION THAT

TO YOU OVER THE PHONE LAST WEEK,

AND THEN I BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN YESTERDAY

AT BREAKFAST AND LUNCH--

WELL, SEAN, $5,000 IS A LOT OF MONEY.

LOOK, IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT,

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. WHEN MY FAMILY IS IN NEED,

I DON'T WANT TO QUIBBLE.

SO, CAN I HAVE THE LOAN?

I'M GONNA NEED TO SLEEP ON IT.

OHH.

HEY, SEAN. HEY, HEY, TONY,

HOW YOU DOING? HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M FINE, EDWIN.

EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, IT'S LIKE, "THERE'S TONY!

ALL RIGHT!"

HE'S GONNA NEED TO SLEEP ON IT.

THAT'S OK. WE'LL WAIT HIM OUT.

HEY, LOVE THE GOATEE. THAT'S VERY DOWNTOWN.

THANKS.

HEY, POP-POP! HOW'S THE BEST GRANDPA

IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?

OH, JUST GREAT, PRINCESS. HEY, YOU WANT TO PLAY

ANOTHER GAME OF CHINESE CHECKERS?

I'M GREEN! ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HOW COME SHE DOESN'T GET THAT EXCITED

WHEN SHE SEES ME? I'M A RELATIVE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, OLD GRANDPA POP-POP

SHOWS UP WITH A LOT MORE THAN YOU DO.

Lily: HEY, POP-POP.

HEY, MUFFIN. OOH, YEAH.

LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING. MM-HMM.

W-WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Tony: UH-HUH.

OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE GIVING LILY YOUR MUSTANG?

YOU BETCHA.

[SCREAMING]

OH, HOW WONDERFUL FOR HER.

I MEAN, THIS IS A SPECIAL THING.

I'M HER DAD. I SHOULD BE THE ONE

GIVING HER HER FIRST CAR.

WELL, YOU COULDN'T AFFORD A CAR LIKE THAT.

I WASN'T GONNA GET HER A CAR LIKE THAT.

I WAS GONNA BUY HER SOME CHEAP PIECE OF CRAP.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THAT 'STANG. IT'S MINT.

I DO LOVE IT. IT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.

I KNOW. IT'S VINTAGE, PURE CHERRY.

I KNOW, I KNOW! ENOUGH!

THIS CAR'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU, ISN'T IT?

YEAH. I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DRIVE THAT CAR.

AND WOULD HE LET ME? NO.

HE ALWAYS SAID I WAS TOO IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, HE'D ALWAYS SAY,

[IMITATING TONY] "SEAN, I'D LOVE TO LET YOU

"DRIVE THE CAR, BUT I'M AFRAID

YOU'RE JUST GONNA SMASH IT UP."

YOU KNOW? AND THEN WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE GOES--HE TURNS AROUND. HE GIVES IT TO A TEENAGER.

WELL, IF IT'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU,

I CAN ALWAYS GET MY FRIEND VINCE TO MAKE IT DISAPPEAR.

NO, EDDIE, NO. YOU ARE NOT GONNA STEAL MY DAUGHTER'S CAR.

YOU'D GET A CUT.

I'M EITHER GONNA USE MY COUPON

FOR THE CHEESE STICKS OR THE SEAFOOD DIP.

YOUR COUPON IS ONLY GOOD

WITH THE PURCHASE OF AN ENTRÉE.

I KNOW. I'LL ORDER THE ENTRÉE,

AND AFTER THE FREE APPETIZER COMES,

I'LL SAY I'M TOO FULL TO EAT THE ENTRÉE.

WELL, I THINK YOUR COUPON BLOWS.

THE TOOTH FAIRY DOESN'T GIVE OUT GIFTS THAT BLOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY.

YOU'RE A DAMN LIAR.

HEY, DAD. YOU WANT TO GO

FOR A DRIVE IN THE MUSTANG?

UH, YEAH, SURE.

GREAT, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WITH MY PERMIT, I NEED A LICENSED DRIVER

TO DRIVE WITH ME.

I THOUGHT MAYBE WE'D GO DOWN TO MOCHA JOJO'S,

AND WE COULD DRIVE BY REALLY SLOWLY

SO EVERYBODY COULD SEE WHAT A COOL CAR I HAVE.

OH. OK. SO, I DON'T GET TO SIT

IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT, RIGHT?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I--

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD SIT IN THE BACKSEAT.

THAT WAY, UM,

THAT WAY, YOU COULD LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR

SO NOBODY COULD SEE YOU.

OH, GREAT! YEAH, YEAH, HEY,

DO YOU MAYBE HAVE A BLANKET

SO I CAN COVER MY HEAD?

I'LL GET ONE!

ALL RIGHT. I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!

I PICKED UP ON THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET YOU TONY SENT HER DOWN HERE

JUST TO MESS WITH ME.

OH, GOD, PLEASE NOT THIS AGAIN.

OH, BABY, YOU ARE BLIND.

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MAN'S CAPABLE OF.

SEAN, HE DROVE ALL THE WAY UP HERE

FROM NORTH CAROLINA TO GIVE US FREE MONEY

AND A FREE CAR.

NO, NO. NOTHING IS FREE WITH YOUR FATHER.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIM AT THE BAR TODAY.

YOU SEE ALL THIS GLASS? IT'S ALL ORIGINAL.

IT'S THE OLDEST IRISH BAR IN STATEN ISLAND.

OH. WHEN DO YOU OPEN?

UH, WE'RE OPEN NOW, TONY.

OH, WELL. YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY MISTAKE,

WHAT WITH NOBODY BEING HERE AND ALL.

WELL, SEE, THAT'S 'CAUSE THE COMPRESSOR'S BROKEN,

AND THE BEER'S ALL WARM,

BUT ONCE THE COMPRESSOR'S FIXED

AND THE COLD BEER STARTS FLOWING, HA HA HA!

RIGHT, RIGHT. THINK I'D BETTER SLEEP ON IT, SEAN.

OH, HEY, NO, THAT'S OK.

THEY DON'T HAVE ANY COLD BEER HERE.

I'M SORRY IF HE'S ANNOYING YOU,

BUT HE'S MY FATHER, SO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, OK?

THIS IS MY HOUSE. HE'S GOTTA DEAL WITH ME.

YEAH, BUT IT'S HIS MONEY.

SO WHAT? IT'S STILL MY HOUSE.

BUT DIDN'T HE GIVE YOU THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THIS HOUSE?

OH, GOD, THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT HE POINT!

WHAT IS THE POINT?

LOOK, THE POINT IS...

HE'S PISSING ME OFF!

GOT IT.

ARE THOSE MY TEETH?

AND MINE AND LILY'S.

OH, MAN. IF THEY LIED TO ME ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY,

HOW DO I KNOW ANYTHING THEY EVER TOLD ME IS TRUE?

RELAX!

MAYBE I'M NOT THEIR REAL SON.

MAYBE THERE ARE WEREWOLVES.

MAYBE I CAN WEAR ONE PAIR OF UNDERPANTS FOR A WHOLE MONTH!

CALM DOWN!

FROM NOW ON, I LIVE FOR ME,

AND I WANT WHAT I'VE GOT COMING TO ME.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET IT FROM A BROKE TOOTH FAIRY.

[HUFFS] MAN,

WHY CAN'T I HAVE A TOOTH FAIRY WHO'S LOADED?

YEAH, LIKE POP-POP.

HEY, SEAN, IS THERE A QUICKIE LUBE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

YEAH, I THINK SO. WHY?

OK. I JUST WANT TO GIVE LILY SOME GIFT CERTIFICATES,

YOU KNOW, CHANGE HER OIL.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

I CAN CHANGE THE OIL FOR HER.

OH, I'M SURE YOU CAN, SEAN.

I JUST DON'T WANT HER DRIVING AROUND

WITHOUT A FILTER OR THE WRONG KIND OF OIL.

YEAH. SEE, TONY, I'VE CHANGED MY OIL FOR 15 YEARS,

AND I'VE NEVER DONE ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

WELL, I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE, SEAN.

IT'S JUST THAT, WELL, LILY'S SOME PRECIOUS CARGO.

AT LEAST, I THINK SO.

YEAH, LOOK, I HAVE NEVER IMPLIED

THAT MY DAUGHTER IS ANYTHING LESS THAN PRECIOUS CARGO.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE, SEAN.

OH, OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T.

HEY, CHECK IT OUT.

WHAT? MY TOOTH FELL OUT.

OOH.

BETTER PUT IT UNDER YOUR PILLOW.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

THE LAST TIME THE TOOTH FAIRY CAME, I GOT NOTHING.

NOTHING, HUH?

WELL, YOU PUT THAT UNDER YOUR PILLOW,

AND I'LL TALK TO THE TOOTH FAIRY.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. HEH HEH HEH!

I MEAN, HE SAID I DIDN'T KNOW

HOW TO CHANGE MY OWN OIL.

YOU KNOW, AND HE SAID

I DON'T KNOW HOW PRECIOUS LILY IS.

HE REALLY SAID THOSE THINGS?

WELL, HE SAID HE WASN'T SAYING THEM,

BUT BY NOT SAYING THEM, HE WAS SAYING THEM.

SEAN, YOU GOTTA KEEP IT TOGETHER.

YOU'RE GONNA QUEER THE DEAL.

ALL RIGHT, EDDIE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE DEAL.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, HE'S IN THERE

HOLDING ALL THE CARDS, HAVING ALL THE FUN.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S MY TURN TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

YEAH, YOU JUST WATCH THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

WHEN I TAKE HIS PRECIOUS LITTLE MUSTANG FOR A RIDE.

DAD, I GOT THE BLANKET.

YOU ARE SO COOL FOR DOING THIS.

LOOK, LILY, I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY

TO GO FOR A RIDE WITH YOU TOMORROW.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA TAKE THE MUSTANG OUT.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT GONNA SMASH IT UP, ARE YOU?

NO, BUT THANKS FOR ASKING.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OUT.

AND WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK? LATER.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA LIE DOWN

WITH THE BLANKET ON THE FLOOR?

I'M DONE LYING DOWN, LILY.

[SCREECHES]

HE'S GONNA SMASH IT UP.

Sean: I'M NOT GONNA SMASH IT UP!

UGH! I AM SO SORRY, DAD.

HE'S BEING SUCH A PETULANT TEENAGER.

YOU KNOW, I AM SO SICK OF ALWAYS HAVING

TO BE THE ADULT AROUND HERE.

WHOO-HOO! HA HA HA!

OH, I SWEAR,

IF MY FATHER LET YOU DRIVE THIS CAR IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I COULD NOT KEEP MY HANDS OFF YOU.

BABY, I DROVE A VOLARE IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND YOU COULDN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO FANTASIZE QUITE AS MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON TO SOMETHING.

OH, MAN, THIS HAS POWER!

OH, YEAH!

THIS IS AWESOME.

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

WHERE--WHERE'S THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?

[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

IS THAT US?

LOOK OUT, RIGHT HERE!

SEAN, LOOK OUT!

AAH!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY,

COME ON, WHERE ARE YOU? COME ON.

WHAT'S WRONG?

HUH? UH, NOTHING.

WHOA, HEY, NOTHING.

JUST WAITING FOR CLAUDIA TO COME HOME WITH THE BAGELS.

OH. DID SHE TAKE THE MUSTANG?

YEAH, YEAH, SHE TOOK THE MUSTANG TO GET THE BAGELS.

THAT'S WHY THE MUSTANG'S NOT HERE AND SHE'S NOT HERE.

SHE'S IN THE MUSTANG GETTING THE BAGELS.

IT ALL MAKES COMPLETE SENSE.

HEY, DAD, LOOK! CHECK IT OUT!

LOOK WHAT THE TOOTH FAIRY LEFT ME--20 BUCKS.

OOH! WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

YOU SEE THAT, SEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT, TONY? THERE'S MORE TO THE TOOTH FAIRY

THAN JUST STICKING MONEY UNDER A PILLOW.

NOT REALLY.

CHECK IT OUT. I HAVE A JACKET THAT MATCHES MY CAR.

I'M GONNA GO SIT IN IT AND MAKE SURE.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO!

NO, LILY, NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.

WHAT?

UH, SIT DOWN.

OH, GOD.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING, OK?

OK, OK, LOOK, WE WEREN'T CUTTING CLASS.

MR. KERSEY WAS LATE, AND EVERYBODY KNOWS

THAT IF THE TEACHER'S LATE, THEN YOU'RE ALLOWED TO GO,

AND SO WE WERE ON THE SIDEWALK, AND SISTER HELEN SAW US,

BUT WE DIDN'T WANT MR. KERSEY TO GET IN TROUBLE,

SO WE RAN INTO MOCHA JOJO'S, AND THEY WERE SAMPLING SCONES,

BUT I WANTED A COOKIE, AND SO I TOOK A COOKIE,

AND THE MANAGER TOTALLY FREAKED OUT--

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I--

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

WELL...IT'S NOT?

NO.

LISTEN...

AND WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THIS,

BUT SOMETIMES AS A PARENT,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES THAT AREN'T ALWAYS--

OH, MY GOD. YOU SMASHED MY CAR.

YOU STOLE A COOKIE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! GRANDPA SAID YOU WOULD--

SHUSH, SHUSH, SHUSH!

I DIDN'T SMASH THE CAR, OK?

SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE CAR.

Claudia: SEAN, LOOK OUT!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU, DRUNK, HOMEY?

NO, I WAS JUST ENJOYING

MY GREEN LIGHT, YOU IDIOT.

HEY, YOUR HEAD IS ON FIRE.

OH, NEVER MIND. IT'S JUST YOUR HAIR.

[PASSENGERS LAUGHING]

HEY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.

I THOUGHT MENUDO BROKE UP.

OHH!

HEY, IS RICKY BACK THERE?

YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY. HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GET

YOUR OLD PIECE OF JUNK OFF THE STREET

AND TAKE IT BACK TO THE CRAPPY CAR MUSEUM.

HA HA, THAT'S VERY CUTE.

NICE GOLF CART, DIPWAD.

HEY, SWEET THING. WHY DON'T YOU COME AND RIDE WITH US?

[MAKES KISSING NOISES]

SORRY, DUDE. THIS CHICK LIKES POWER.

I GOT A BORED-OUT 302 AND AN 1850 4-BARREL.

OHH, YOUR BIG ENGINE IS SO SCARY.

[ENGINE REVS]

OH, I'M SORRY. DID SOMEONE TURN ON A BLENDER?

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME NOISE, PUNK?

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME NOISE.

[ENGINE REVS]

OH, HA HA HA!

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE GONNA SIT HERE ALL NIGHT

EXCHANGING PLEASANTRIES,

OR ARE WE GONNA RACE?

OOH, RACE! HE WANTS TO RACE.

OH, YOU DON'T WANT ANY PART OF THIS.

PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS--20 BUCKS.

[ALL SNICKERING]

OH, MAN. HOW ABOUT WE RACE FOR THE KEYS?

OK, NO. KEYS.

KEYS! NO, HONEY,

HONEY, DON'T BE MEAN, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S DRIVING A LITTLE MATCHBOX CAR.

YOU HAVE LIKE 10 MILLION HORSEPOWER.

COME ON, BABY, I'LL GIVE HIM HIS KEYS BACK.

I JUST WANT TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON, ÉSE.

Passenger: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!

ALL RIGHT. WE GO ON GREEN, HOME SLICE.

YOU LOST.

I DIDN'T WIN.

WOW, HEY,

THESE JAPANESE CARS GOT SOME PEP TO 'EM.

WHAT KIND OF MILEAGE YOU GET?

OH, YEAH. WHOO! ALL RIGHT.

YOU GUYS ROCK. OK, PARTY HARD.

WE'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

NO. I GET YOUR KEYS.

COME ON, NO WAY.

A BET IS A BET.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOST MY CAR IN A STREET RACE.

HEY, I WOULD'VE CHALLENGED HIM TO A REMATCH,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ANOTHER CAR.

OK, THAT'S IT, GO AHEAD. SEE, YEAH, YEAH-YEAH,

FIRST YOU'RE GONNA SULK, AND THEN YOU'LL GO, "AAH!"

YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA SLAM SOME DOORS.

YOU'RE GONNA THROW A BIG TANTRUM. GO AHEAD.

BUT I LOVED THAT CAR.

OH, IT'S THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ANYBODY.

I KNOW. GO CRY AND SLAM A DOOR.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SHOW IT OFF AT SCHOOL.

OH, GOD, LILY, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST THROW A TANTRUM?

YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL BAD.

WE'VE GOT 5 SECONDS LEFT IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS.

RANGERS NEED A GOAL TO WIN IT ALL.

HERE COMES MESSIER ON A BREAKAWAY.

HE SHOOTS--

OW! MY TEETH, MY TEETH!

OH, GOD, HENRY! I DIDN'T MEAN

TO HURT YOU, BUDDY, HONEST!

LET'S HAVE A LOOK THERE, SPORT.

ALL RIGHT. AHEM. I WANT TO TELL YOU BOYS

A LITTLE STORY. I WANT YOU TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION

TO WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU NOW. SIT DOWN.

NOW, WHEN I WAS A BOY, I BROKE A CERAMIC DUCK

AT MY GRANDPA'S HOUSE, AND I LIED ABOUT IT.

NOW, THE VERY NEXT DAY, HE ENLISTED ME

IN THE MARINE CORPS AND PUT ME ON A PLANE.

NOW, DO YOU BOYS THINK

THERE ARE GAMEBOY CARTRIDGES IN CAMBODIA?

I THINK THEY'RE MADE IN CAMBODIA.

OK, THAT...THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

WE COULD PROBABLY GET 'EM DIRT CHEAP IN CAMBODIA.

HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY,

IF THE GOVERNMENT CATCHES YOU LYING DOWN THERE...

[LAUGHS] THEY'RE GONNA CUT YOUR THUMBS OFF.

YOU THINK YOU CAN PLAY GAMEBOY WITH NO THUMBS?

HUH? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

HEH HEH HEH!

MORNING, MUFFIN.

[SADLY] GOOD MORNING.

HEY, WHAT'S A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL

WITH A BRIGHT RED MUSTANG GOT TO BE SAD ABOUT?

WHY DON'T YOU ASK MY DAD?

IT'S JUST THAT KID FROM 'NSYNC'S

GONNA GO UP INTO SPACE, AND SHE'S SCARED, YOU KNOW.

YOU SMASHED THAT MUSTANG.

I DID NOT SMASH THAT MUSTANG.

OH, YOU DIDN'T? NO, I DID NOT.

YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME NOTHING'S WRONG WITH THAT CAR?

I DIDN'T SMASH IT.

WE GOT IT--OHH!

YOU GOT WHAT?

BAGELS.

WE GOT BAGELS. WE GOT BAGELS.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I GO GET 'EM, DO YOU?

NO, NOT AT ALL. THANK YOU.

[BOTH SHOUTING]

OH, GOD, YES! OH, MY GOD.

OH, EDDIE, YOU ARE A GENIUS.

I KNOW, RIGHT? GENIUS, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW I THINK OF THESE THINGS.

NOW, THE GUY YOU TOOK THE CAR FROM,

WHEN YOU DID THAT,

YOU WERE TAMPERING WITH ELEMENTAL FORCES.

I SURE DID, MAN. THANKS, BRO.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ELEMENTAL FORCES IS A BAD THING.

THIS GUY HAS FRIENDS.

I GOT FRIENDS.

UNFRIENDLY FRIENDS.

THEN WHY HE HANGS OUT WITH 'EM, MAN?

FRIENDLY TO HIM, NOT TO YOU.

OK, WHERE WE GOING WITH THIS?

YOU KNOW, YOU WOKE ME UP AT 8:00 ON A SATURDAY MORNING.

I'M SLEEPWALKING HERE.

OK, LOOK...

I WON THAT CAR OFF YOUR FATHER FAIR AND SQUARE.

HE'S NOT MY FATHER. HE'S MY HUSBAND.

YOU AIN'T OLD ENOUGH TO BE MARRIED, BABY.

[SNORTS AND GIGGLES] SHUT UP!

I THINK YOU MEAN, "SHUT UP, EUGENIO."

YOU GO CHECK OUT THE PASTRIES, ED.

PASTRIES. THANK YOU.

HEH HEH HEH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? MY HUSBAND,

HE'S NEVER REALLY BEEN MUCH OF A DRIVER.

HE DIDN'T REALLY EVER KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING.

YEAH, I COULD TELL

BY THE WAY I SMOKED HIM SO BADLY.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A REAL WINNER

HANDLE THAT MUSTANG.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S RIDE.

UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M--I'M REALLY NOT DRESSED FOR THIS.

DO YOU MIND GETTING MY BIKINI OUT OF THE TRUNK?

YOU...HAVE A...

B-BIKINI?

I LIKE TO CRUISE IN MY BIKINI. IS THAT WEIRD?

[GIGGLES] NO!

I CAN RESPECT THAT. TOTALLY.

ALL RIGHT, POP THAT TRUNK BUTTON!

[START ENGINE] THERE'S NO TRUNK BUTTON

IN A '65 MUSTANG, YOU IDIOT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! COME BACK! COME BACK!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

YO, MAN, SHE HAD BIKINI IN THE TRUNK, MAN!

IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE IF YOU HADN'T MADE ME

RUN ALL THE WAY HOME.

HEY, HONEY, DID YOU GET ANY CREAM CHEESE?

OH, SHOOT! I'LL SEE WHAT WE HAVE.

NO, NO, NEVER MIND, BABY GIRL.

I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF THESE ANYWAY.

YOU CAN'T--YOU CAN'T GET A DECENT BAGEL IN NEW YORK.

WHAT?

NO, YOU WANT A REAL BAGEL, YOU COME SEE ME

DOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA.

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU CRAZY?

THIS IS NEW YORK CITY.

NO, THERE'S NO BETTER BAGELS THAN A PLACE IN WILMINGTON

CALLED, UH, BROOKLYN BAGELS.

YEAH. BROOKLYN, NEW YORK!

IT'S JUST A NAME, SEAN.

OH, GOD, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT, TONY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. NORTH CAROLINA HAS THE BEST BAGELS IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, AND MAYBE THAT BAR DOWN THERE

WON'T HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS,

NO MATTER HOW COLD MY BEER IS, YOU KNOW?

FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, AND I COULDN'T DRIVE THE CAR

'CAUSE I WAS GONNA SMASH IT UP.

AND THEN LAST NIGHT WHEN I WENT OUT,

YOU SAID I WAS GONNA SMASH IT UP,

AND LAST TIME I CHECKED--UH-HUH, YEAH!

WHOO! THERE'S A CHERRIED OUT RED MUSTANG

SITTING RIGHT ON THAT CURB IN PERFECT CONDITION.

OK, SO JUST IN THIS ONE INSTANCE,

PLEASE, JUST ADMIT

THAT YOU WERE WRONG, I WAS RIGHT.

ME RIGHT, YOU WRONG. HMM?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT, SEAN.

I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.

SEAN, I'M GONNA LOAN YOU THAT $5,000.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

CAN WE MAKE IT 10?

I'M JOKING!

YOU KNOW, TONY, I FEEL A LITTLE BAD.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT,

I WAS A LITTLE IRRESPONSIBLE. OH, YEAH?

YEAH, I WENT OUT, AND I WAS RACING AROUND IN THE CAR

WITH CLAUDIA, AND WE RAN INTO THESE GANG BANGING GUYS

IN A BLUE RISE ROCKET,

KIND OF LIKE THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, YOU KNOW?

AND WE RACED FOR THE KEYS,

AND WE WERE JAMMING DOWN A PUBLIC STREET,

AND THEN I LOST THE CAR, AND THIS MORNING,

SHE SEDUCED THE GUY AND GOT THE CAR BACK.

THAT, UH--THAT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN, DID IT?

OF COURSE NOT!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

Tony: DRIVES LIKE A DREAM, DOESN'T SHE, PUMPKIN?

Lily: OH, YOU GUYS, THERE'S JACKIE FREED!

Claudia: OH, COME ON, LILY,

PLEASE DON'T MAKE US DO THIS AGAIN.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

HEY, JACKIE! HA HA!

Sean: HEY, JACKIE!

HEY!

OW!

HENRY, STOP LEAVING YOUR STUPID ROBOTS ALL OVER THE PLACE!

OW!

HEY, YOU KNOCKED OUT ONE OF MY TEETH!

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

OH, MAN, I THINK I REALLY DID.

OH, THAT'S IT. YOU BOYS ARE GOING TO CAMBODIA.

NO, LOOK! IT'S BLOODY!

IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN A LITTLE BLOOD

TO GET POP-POP TO OPEN HIS WALLET.

NO, I'M SERIOUS. LOOK! THERE'S WHERE IT CAME OUT!

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO HENRY.

AAH!