Original subtitles

AW, IT'S BROKEN.

IT'S NOT BROKEN, POINDEXTER.

EH, JIMMY.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO PUT IT TOGETHER.

YOU'LL SEE. ELECTRIC SLOT CARS

ARE 100 TIMES MORE FUN THAN VIDEO GAMES,

AND PUTTING THEM TOGETHER IS HALF THE FUN.

COULD YOU HAVE HALF THE FUN FOR US, GRANDPA?

SURE.

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

I STUNK. THEY HATED ME.

NO, THEY DIDN'T. COME ON. PEOPLE WERE CLAPPING.

YEAH.

THEY WERE HISSING.

PROBLEM AT THE TALENT SHOW?

IT WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER.

Man: GET OUT OF THERE! [AUDIENCE BOOING]

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

Second man: SIT DOWN, FINNERTY! SIT DOWN!

YOU'RE RUINING THE WHOLE SHOW.

GET OUT OF HERE, GET OUT OF HERE, FINNERTY. GET OUT!

YOU STINK, HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

I NEVER WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER SONG

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[SIGHS] MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO TALK TO HER.

NO, NO, NO. BABY, WHAT SHE NEEDS RIGHT NOW IS SPACE, OK?

BELIEVE ME. SHE'S GOING TO LOOK BACK ON THIS

AS A BETTER THAN AVERAGE DAY.

I PROMISE YOU.

OK, SHE'S JUST BEING DRAMATIC.

SHE'S GOOD.

I'VE NEVER SEEN LILY THIS UPSET.

COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE'S ALWAYS THIS UPSET.

THESE ARE HER CDs, SEAN.

SHE'S NOT DOING TOMORROW NIGHT'S SHOW.

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE THAT'S FOR THE BETTER.

MAYBE WE SHOULD QUIT WHILE WE'RE AHEAD.

OUR DAUGHTER IS MISERABLE AND HUMILIATED.

OK, WE'RE NOT WAY AHEAD.

WHAT DID LILY DO?

DID SHE TEAR UP A PICTURE OF THE POPE OR SOMETHING?

NO.

GOOD. 'CAUSE THAT'S BEEN DONE.

COME ON, MAN. IT WASN'T EVEN IN THAT LEAGUE,

BUT I'M NOT SAYING IT WASN'T CONTROVERSIAL.

DAD, SISTER HELEN SAYS I CAN'T DO MY ACT.

WHAT?

SHE SAYS IT'S LEWD.

WHAT, YOUR LITTLE SONG AND DANCE?

DAD, SHE SAYS IT'S LEWD AND LASCIVIOUS.

LOOK--LOOK, LIL, THESE NUNS, OK,

THEY--THEY HAVE A QUOTA OF LEWDS

THEY HAVE TO THROW OUT A DAY.

LIKE, UH, [IMITATING NUNS] "OH, SISTER AGNES."

"YES, SISTER MARGARET."

"TIS WONDERFUL WEATHER WE'RE HAVING LATELY, ISN'T IT?"

"OH, REALLY? I FIND IT QUITE LEWD."

"OH, SO DO I. OH, LOOK AT YONDER SUNSET.

TIS BEAUTIFUL."

"I FIND IT LASCIVIOUS."

"OH, ME, TOO. DOWN, SUNSET.

STOP IT, SUNSET."

SO ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME?

OK, I'LL TALK TO SISTER HELEN FOR YOU.

OH.

AAH, GET INSIDE!

WHAT WAS SO LEWD?

WHAT, WAS SHE SHAKIN' HER MONEYMAKER?

HEY, HEY, HEY.

THAT'S YOUR NIECE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

EVERYBODY'S GOT A MONEYMAKER.

WELL, LOOK, FROM WHAT I'D SEEN AT THE REHEARSAL,

THEY WEREN'T SHAKIN' MUCH OF ANYTHING.

Lily: * SO REFINED

* SO WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW *

* WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY MIND? *

* SO LET ME GET RIGHT TO THE POINT *

* I DON'T POP MY CORK FOR EVERY-- *

THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY LEWD.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO UPSET,

AND I WAS ALREADY TICKED OFF WITH SISTER HELEN

BECAUSE OF THIS DAMN CHOCOLATE DRIVE.

THEY'RE GOING TO BUY A BIGGER JESUS.

YEAH, AND THE MORE BOXES OF CHOCOLATE WE SELL,

THE BETTER PRIZES WE GET.

WELL, THEN YOU GUYS BETTER START SELLING.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU SHOULD START WITH

IS MRS. DALTON UP THE STREET.

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE LIKES CANDY BARS.

Claudia: SEAN.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

ACTUALLY, DAD, UM,

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SELL IN THE STREET.

THEY SAID IT'S NOT SAFE,

AND WE CAN'T GO DOOR-TO-DOOR

OR IN STORES OR UP TO CARS.

OR ANYWHERE WHERE PEOPLE ARE.

WELL, WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SELL THEM TO?

ACTUALLY, I DON'T REALLY KNOW,

BUT, UM, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE MONEY IN BY MONDAY.

OH, YOU KNOW, I GET IT.

THEY EXPECT US TO BUY IT.

THAT'S--YOU KNOW, THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

NO, NO, BABY, UH-UH.

LISTEN, WE PAY THE TUITION, OK,

AND WE SUBJECT OUR CAR TO THEIR SO-CALLED CAR WASHES,

AND WE BUY THE UNIFORMS FROM THE ONE APPROVED STORE, McCAFFREY'S.

TELL ME THERE'S NO KICKBACK THERE.

ALL RIGHT, AND NOW THEY WANT MORE

SO THEY FORCE THE CHOCOLATE ON US.

YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS REALLY? IT IS...

Both: OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL SHAKEDOWN.

WELL, IT IS.

YOU KNOW, YOU GET TOO WORKED UP ABOUT STUFF.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A STROKE.

[GROANS] TOLD YOU. YOU GOTTA LET IT GO.

LOOK--LOOK, THIS-- THIS SISTER HELEN

IS A CHOCOLATE PUSHER, ALL RIGHT,

AND THEN SHE HAS THE GALL TO BAN LILY'S ACT

FOR A COMPLETELY BOGUS REASON.

MR. FINNERTY, BIG SPENDER

IS A SONG ABOUT PROSTITUTES.

THEY'RE NOT PROSTITUTES.

THEY'RE--THEY'RE DIME-A-DANCE GIRLS.

PLEASE. THEY'RE SELLING MORE THAN DANCES.

OH, COME ON, FOR A DIME?

LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE LYRICS, HUH?

"I CAN SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME.

"FUN, LAUGHS, GOOD TIMES.

FUN, LAUGHS, GOOD TIMES."

COME ON, SISTER HELEN.

HAS YOUR HEART GROWN SO COLD

THAT THERE IS NO ROOM LEFT

FOR FUN, LAUGHS, OR GOOD TIMES?

THE SONG HAS A SUBTEXT, MR. FINNERTY.

IT'S A SIMPLE LITTLE SONG.

ABOUT PROSTITUTES.

IT'S A CLASSIC OF THE BROADWAY STAGE.

IT'S NO SOUND OF MUSIC.

OH, OF COURSE, YOU'RE GOING TO PICK THAT ONE.

YOU'RE A NUN.

OK, THEN, IT'S NO WEST SIDE STORY.

OK, THAT'S A GOOD ONE, BUT, LOOK,

THE POINT IS THIS, SISTER HELEN:

I'M LILY'S FATHER,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING HAPPEN

THAT'S GOING TO HURT HER REPUTATION.

COME ON, THIS WHOLE THING IS JUST SO INNOCENT,

AND--AND IT MEANS SO MUCH TO HER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D STAND IN HER WAY.

DO YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE, MR. FINNERTY?

I LOVE CHOCOLATE...

A LOT.

[GROANING]

WOW, YOU GOT OUTSMARTED BY A NUN.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I MADE A DEAL WITH THE NUN, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT WHAT I WANTED.

AND THAT'S WHY LILY'S UPSTAIRS,

AND HER CD COLLECTION IS DOWNSTAIRS.

[SIGHS] IT WAS AWFUL, GRANDPA.

THEY WERE BOOING ME.

AW, LILY.

YOU KNOW, THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM.

YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD BASEBALL PLAYER BOOG POWELL?

NO.

EVERY TIME HE CAME TO THE PLATE

IT SOUNDED LIKE THEY WERE BOOING HIM...

BUT REALLY THEY WERE SHOUTING "BOOG, BOOG."

BUT, GRANDPA, MY NAME ISN'T BOOG

OR ANYTHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE BOOG.

YEAH, I KNOW...

BUT PERFORMING IS VERY HARD, LILY.

EVERY TIME THE CURTAIN GOES UP,

YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE ON THE LINE.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

DO YOU KNOW THE PLAYERS' NAMES?

YES. SO WHO'S ON FIRST?

UH, I KNOW THIS.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

[WHISPERING] Who.

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

Who's on first.

I DON'T REMEMBER.

WHO!

THIS IS VERY CONFUSING.

WHO'S ON FIRST.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

Man: YOU STINK.

YEAH, I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR NECK, MARVIN.

THAT ROUTINE WAS WRITTEN WRONG.

I NEVER WANT TO PERFORM ANYTHING ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN.

GOOD. IT'LL BRING YOU NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE.

I WANT TO BE THE YELLOW CAR.

FINE.

NO, ACTUALLY, I THINK I WANT TO BE THE BLUE CAR.

FINE.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE RED CAR.

SURE. NO!

I WANT TO BE THE RED CAR.

FINE.

SO, GUYS, YOU HAVING FUN YET?

I CAN'T GET THIS TOGETHER.

AND JIMMY WON'T LET ME BE THE CAR I WANT TO BE.

WHA-- JIMMY.

WHY DON'T YOU HOOK ME UP WITH SOME CHOCOLATE, HUH?

SURE. IT'S 2 BUCKS A BAR.

YOU KNOW, I'LL JUST WAIT TILL YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AND TAKE ONE.

OH, COME ON, I HAVE TO SELL THEM, MAN.

I--I--I SPENT 400 BUCKS ON THIS CHOCOLATE.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT SELLING CHOCOLATE?

WE KNOW HOW NOT TO SELL IT.

BEFORE YOUR WAITRESS COMES OVER,

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT

OUR VERY SPECIAL DESSERTS TONIGHT.

WE HAVE A TRIO OF CHOCOLATE BARS:

MILK, DARK, AND ALMOND.

UH, EXCUSE ME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

UH, EXCUSE ME.

I'M NOT HERE TO HURT OR ROB YOU.

CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL

HAVE FORCED ME TO BE HERE

UH, ON THE STREET AND IN THE SUBWAY,

TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR A GOOD CAUSE, UH...

WHO WOULD LIKE A CANDY BAR?

MA'AM, WOULD YOU LIKE--

MA'AM, WOULD YOU LIKE A CANDY BAR?

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CANDY BAR?

DO NOT MOVE AWAY FROM ME. I'M HUMAN JUST LIKE YOU.

I DO NOT NEED A HANDOUT. I NEED A HAND UP.

PLEASE, SIR.

SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CANDY BAR?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Y'ALL JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOVE PRODUCT.

AW, YEAH, YEAH, LIKE YOU COULD HAVE SOLD THE CHOCOLATE.

I COULD HAVE SOLD THAT CHOCOLATE.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE.

IT'S ABOUT SELLING THE IDEA OF THE CHOCOLATE.

IT'S ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE LIFESTYLE.

OK, FINE, BE MY GUEST, SELL THE CHOCOLATE.

NO, I'M TOO TIRED.

OH, YES.

WHAT?

SHE SMASHED THE SOUNDTRACK TO GREASE.

OH, YES! THANK YOU, GOD!

WHOO!

OHH.

LILY REALLY FREAKED OUT.

I MEAN, DID SHE SUCK THAT BAD?

NO, SEE THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

THEY DIDN'T SUCK AT ALL.

* THE MINUTE YOU WALKED IN THE JOINT *

* I COULD SEE YOU WERE A MAN OF DISTINCTION *

* A REAL BIG SPENDER

* GOOD LOOKING, SO REFINED *

* WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW *

* WHAT'S GOING ON...

I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT I WANT TO GIVE THAT ONE MY ALLOWANCE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

STOP THIS! STOP! WH-WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER SAT IN THIS CHAIR, GOD REST HER SOUL.

OH.

AAH! OH!

HEY, LIL.

WHY THE BIG FROWN?

[CHOKING]

Jimmy: OW, OW! HEY, WHAT THE--

WHAT'S GOING ON?

STOP SENDING YOUR LACKEYS TO CHEER ME UP.

YOUR PITY DISGUSTS ME.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME NOW TO PULL OUT THE BIG GUNS.

WAIT, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CHEER HER UP?

I'M GOING TO TAKE A SECTION OF ORANGE PEEL

AND PUT IT IN MY TEETH

AND ACT LIKE A MONSTER.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

IT MAKES ALL MY FRIENDS LAUGH.

YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL BAKED.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT A DISCERNING AUDIENCE.

SIT DOWN. THAT'S IT. I'VE HAD IT.

I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE. I GOTTA GO TELL HER.

OH, NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T.

YES, I DO. IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

OH, SO NOW YOU KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS.

IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE,

NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

SEAN, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

TRUST ME. I AM NOT.

ALL RIGHT, THEY HAD THIS WHOLE THING SET UP.

THEY HAD THESE--THESE CHAIRS AND THE LEGS.

THEY WERE LIKE, "WHOO, AHH, UHH."

WELL, IT WAS DIFFERENT WHEN THEY DID IT.

GORDON, KEEP MOVING.

COME ON. THIS IS JUST TEENAGE STUFF.

IT'S NORMAL. IT'S FUN.

REMEMBER HOW I WAS BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL?

OH, YEAH. I REMEMBER,

AND IT'S NOT HELPING YOUR ARGUMENT ANY.

I GOTTA NAIL THAT.

GROSS. LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS,

DO YOU WANT TO BE A GRANDMOTHER BY THE TIME YOU'RE 32?

OH, COME ON, BE REAL.

LOOK, YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE.

YOU DIDN'T SEE THE WAY SHE LOOKED.

IT WAS LIKE--

FUN...

SO SHE WAS WORKING IT A LITTLE.

OH, NO, NO, NOT A LITTLE.

WE'RE TALKING--

LAUGHS...

SEAN, PLEASE.

THIS IS A LILY I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

GOOD TIMES.

OK, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

NO, NO, IT'S SCARY.

YEAH, BUT WANTING TO LOOK SEXY

IS NOT THE SAME THING AS WANTING TO HAVE SEX.

LILY, COME HERE.

YOU FATHER HAS A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH YOUR DANCE ROUTINE.

YEAH, I KNOW. HE CONFISCATED MY CHAIR.

OK, LOOK, I'VE GOT NOTHING AGAINST DANCING.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THERE'S A KIND YOU DO WITH A PARTNER,

AND THERE'S A KIND YOU DO OUT BY THE AIRPORT.

DAD, IT WAS JUST AN ACT.

YEAH, REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT TO SEE

HENRY'S CLASS DO WINNIE THE POOH?

YOU KNEW HENRY WASN'T A REAL PIGLET.

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE GOING TO BE GREAT.

I SAY HAVE FUN.

THANK YOU, MOM.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

YOU SEE, I WAS TRYING TO NIP IT IN THE BUD, BUT NO.

OH, OK, SHUT UP.

YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED

TO THAT GOOD NUN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU WOULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE THING.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. I REALIZE THAT,

BUT BY THE TIME I SAW THE LIGHT, IT WAS TOO LATE.

SISTER HELEN, BIG SPENDER IS A SONG ABOUT PROSTITUTES.

I KNOW THAT, MR. FINNERTY.

IT'S LEWD.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. PULL IT FROM THE SHOW.

DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU HAVE MY BLESSING.

OH, I'M AFRAID IT'S TOO LATE, MR. FINNERTY.

THE PROGRAMS HAVE ALREADY BEEN PRINTED.

THE PROGRAMS? WHO GIVES A RAT'S AS-K ANYBODY...

NO ONE READS THE PROGRAMS.

I THINK WE'RE FINISHED.

OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I THINK THAT WE CAN MAYBE, UH,

MAKE SOME KIND OF ARRANGEMENT HERE.

HMM?

AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

WELL, TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION

FOR YOUR TAKING A MOMENT TO HEAR MY CONCERNS...

PERHAPS I SHOULD BUY SOME MORE OF THAT TASTY CHOCOLATE, HUH?

WELL, THAT WOULD BE VERY NICE.

HOW MANY BOXES SHOULD I GET? SHALL WE SAY...

UM, 20?

FINE.

UH, LET'S MAKE IT 30.

IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, RIGHT?

THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.

IF YOU WOULD JUST INITIAL THIS PROMISSORY NOTATION THERE.

THAT WOULD BE GOOD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, UH...

I ASSUME THAT YOU'LL BE TELLING LILY.

EXCUSE ME?

THAT HER MUSICAL NUMBER'S BEEN CUT.

OH, I'M SORRY, MR. FINNERTY,

BUT THE PROGRAMS HAVE ALREADY BEEN PRINTED.

I THINK I WAS QUITE CLEAR ABOUT THAT.

WHAT?

UH, SISTER CAMILLE.

WOULD YOU PLEASE HELP MR. FINNERTY

WITH A CART FOR HIS CHOCOLATE?

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, HOW'RE WE DOING?

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S VERY GOOD.

YOU TRIED TO BRIBE A NUN!

YES, YES!

EVERYONE HAS THEIR PRICE.

NOT A NUN.

FINE, DAD. KEEP LIVING IN YOUR LITTLE FANTASY WORLD.

NUNS AREN'T IN IT FOR THE MONEY.

THEY AREN'T.

OK.

STOP IT.

COME ON, GUYS. YOU'RE NOT PLAYING IT RIGHT.

YOU GOTTA GIVE IT A LITTLE MORE JUICE.

OH, YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN WE GIVE IT A LITTLE JUICE? YEAH.

WHOA, WHOA!

MMMMMM!

ARE YOU TRYING TO CHEER ME UP?

MAYBE.

DON'T.

SO YOU HAD A LITTLE DOSE

OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION, HUH?

BIG TIME.

I BEEN THERE.

SOMETIMES YOU'RE JUST GONNA SUCK.

THAT'S OK?

NO, THAT'S HORRIBLE.

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ADVISE?

NO, I'M JUST RAMBLING.

BUT I'LL GIVE YOU ONE PIECE OF ADVISE.

AIM LOW, THAT WAY YOU DON'T END UP SO DISAPPOINTED.

BUT I THOUGHT I COULD BE ANYTHING I DREAMED?

NO, THAT'S CRAP.

IF PEOPLE COULD BE ANYTHING THEY DREAMED

THE WORLD WOULD BE FULL OF MOVIE STARS

AND--AND ASTRONAUTS,

AND THEN--THEN WHO WOULD MAKE THE SANDWICHES?

THAT MAKES SENSE.

HEY, LIL, YOU OK?

YEAH, YEAH.

I'M TAKING EDDIE'S ADVISE.

I'M GONNA AIM LOWER.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I THOUGHT I WAS TALENTED,

AND IT TURNS OUT I'M NOT.

SO I QUIT.

IT'S OK.

THE WORLD NEEDS SANDWICH MAKERS.

THAT'S RIGHT. STAY UNDER THE RADAR.

HONEY, YOU HAVE TALENT.

REALLY. YOU HAVE A LOT OF TALENT.

MOM, PLEASE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE GIRL?

I'M TELLING HER THE TRUTH.

OH, BAD MOVE, BAD MOVE, BAD MOVE.

SEAN, PLEASE.

YOU SEE YOU COULDN'T REALLY

SEE THE WHOLE STORY...

ON STAGE.

[APPLAUSE]

OOH, HERE COMES LILY.

BOY, CAN'T WAIT. [SIGHS]

OH, COME ON, SEAN. SIT BACK AND SMILE.

YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

YOU'RE MY BRAVE LITTLE MAN.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

* THE MINUTE YOU WALKED IN THE JOINT *

* I COULD SEE YOU WERE A MAN OF DISTINCTION *

* A REAL BIG SPENDER

* GOOD LOOKING

* SO REFINED

* SO WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW *

* WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY MIND? *

* SO LET ME GET RIGHT TO THE POINT *

* I DON'T POP MY CORK

* FOR EVERY GUY I SEE

* HEY, BIG SPENDER

* HEY, BIG SPENDER

* SPEND

* A LITTLE TIME WITH ME

GOOD GOD, CHECK OUT THE REDHEAD.

I KNOW HER. SHE'S A 10th GRADER.

NO WAY.

THIS IS HOT!

Boy: SHAKE IT! OW!

SHH!

* FUN, FUN, FUN

* HOW'S ABOUT A LITTLE * FUN

* LAUGHS, LAUGHS

* I CAN SHOW YOU A

* GOOD TIME

* I CAN SHOW YOU A

* GOOD TIME

* THE MINUTE YOU WALKED IN THE JOINT *

* I COULD SEE YOU WERE A MAN OF DISTINCTION *

* A REAL BIG SPENDER

* GOOD LOOKING

OH, I WISH I WAS THAT CHAIR.

* SO REFINED

* SO WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW *

* WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY MIND?... *

I THINK I'M POPPING MY CORK RIGHT NOW.

DO SOMETHING.

I AM. I'M WATCHING THE SHOW LIKE YOU TOLD ME.

I'D LIKE TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH HER.

SHE IS 15 YEARS OLD.

SO AM I.

* HEY, BIG SPENDER

* HEY, BIG SPENDER...

I WANT THESE BOYS KICKED OUT OF HERE. [BABBLING]

JUST HOLD ON. I HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL, SISTER.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!

WOULD YOU SHUT UP!

SIT DOWN!

YOU SHUT UP!

GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!

YOU WANT A PIECE OF SEAN?

YOU'RE RUINING THE WHOLE SHOW, FINNERTY.

YOU'RE RUINING THE WHOLE SHOW.

GET OUT OF HERE.

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

YOU STINK! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

SO YOU SEE. IT WASN'T YOU.

YOU DIDN'T SUCK.

YEAH? YOU DID.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

I'M SORRY.

I JUST HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE HAD

THIS REALLY GOOD OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER,

AND TONIGHT, I JUST LOST IT.

I MEAN, I JUST--

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK I WAS ONE OF THOSE

TYPICAL, UPTIGHT, PRUDISH MOMS.

WHICH YOU ARE.

I KNOW.

YOU WERE REALLY GREAT TONIGHT, HONEY.

OHH!

HOW OLD WERE THOSE BOYS THAT WERE HOOTING FOR ME?

I DON'T KNOW. 10th GRADERS, MAYBE 11th.

AND THEY WERE SAYING STUFF LIKE, "OOH, BABY,"

STUFF LIKE THAT?

YEAH, IT WAS DISTURBING.

THAT IS SO COOL!

I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN.

OH, GREAT NEWS.

YOU'RE COMING, RIGHT, GRANDPA?

ONLY IF YOU WANT

AN AUDIENCE FULL OF DEAD BOYS.

SO--SO HOW DOES IT FEEL, BABY?

WHAT? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ME?

OH...

YOU MEAN A BIG FLAMING ASS?

IT'S HORRIBLE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THIS DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

OH, IT'S JUST A GIFT.

HEY, HEY, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT?

WELL, THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. THEY'RE 2 BUCKS A POP.

I ALREADY PAID EDDIE A BUCK FOR THIS.

WHAT?! EDDIE!

IT'S A VERY SIMPLE JOKE.

THE FAT GUY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT

WHEN THE SKINNY GUY TELLS HIM THE PLAYERS' NAMES.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND FUNNY.

IT IS, BECAUSE WHO PLAYS FIRST,

WHAT'S ON SECOND,

AND I DON'T KNOW IS ON THIRD.

NEITHER DO I.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP FORGETTING THE LINES.

NO, HIS NAME IS "I DON'T KNOW."

WELL, THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THAT'S MORONIC.

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE FAT GUY LOSES HIS TEMPER.

WELL, WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?