Original subtitles

COME ON, MAN. IT'S EDDIE.

YOUR LITTLE EDWIN.

YOU OWE ME ONE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

OK. I CAN HANG ON.

HEY, EDDIE, DON'T YOU HAVE A PHONE AT YOUR HOUSE?

THERE ARE CERTAIN CALLS I'D PREFER NOT TO ORIGINATE AT MY HOUSE.

OH, GREAT. OK.

FEED MY KIDS WHEN I'M IN PRISON, ALL RIGHT?

I'M MAKING THIS CALL FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, BUBBA JAY.

DON'T CALL ME BUBBA JAY.

YEAH. YOU GOT 'EM? YOU GOT THE TICKETS?

GOOD. GOOD. ROCK ON.

I GOT 'EM.

NO.

YEAH. THE NO DOUBT TICKETS?

YEAH.

NO.

I'M TELLIN' YOU, YEAH.

AAH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

YOU ARE THE BEST UNCLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

OK. GET OFF ME.

[SHRIEKS]

I BROUGHT THE SNAKE. WHICH DRAIN IS CLOGGED?

GREAT, DAD. GIVE IT HERE. Walt: NO, NO.

THIS IS A FINELY-TUNED PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

DAD, I'M AN ELECTRICIAN.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DRILL?

WHEN YOU HOOK A DRILL UP TO A SNAKE,

IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT ANIMAL.

NOW, WHAT DID YOU CLOG THE SINK WITH, ANYWAY?

NOTHING.

HENRY, DON'T WEAR A HAT IN THE HOUSE.

OK.

OH, DEAR LORD. PUT IT BACK ON. PUT IT BACK ON.

DAD, WAIT. HE GOT A NOT-SO-GREAT HAIRCUT.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

HEY, CHECK OUT THE BACK.

YOU CAN SEE MY SKULL.

SO, WHO DID THAT TO HENRY'S HAIR?

AW, YOU TOOK HIM TO ONE OF THOSE PLACES IN THE VILLAGE, DIDN'T YOU?

WHERE THEY ALL DRESS IN BLACK AND NOBODY TALKS TO YOU.

NO, NO. NO. I TOOK HIM TO TONY.

TONY? HE'S NOT CAPABLE OF THAT.

OH, COME ON, WALT. DO NOT DEFEND THAT BUTCHER IN THIS HOUSE.

HE IS INCOMPETENT.

BUT SEAN HAD A NICE LITTLE TALK WITH HIM.

I'M YELLIN' AT YOU BECAUSE I'M AN ASS!

I CAME BY YESTERDAY WITH MY SON!

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU SCREAMED AT TONY?

THE MAN HAS BEEN CUTTIN' MY HAIR FOR 30 YEARS.

SAME HAIRCUT, FLAWLESS EVERY TIME.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR OLD TONY TO RETIRE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? IT'S JUST A HAIRCUT.

YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT, BUDDY.

IT'S OK, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. IT'LL GROW OUT.

SURE. EVENTUALLY.

IT'S JUST HAIR.

JIMMY, YOU GOTTA RELAX, OR YOU'RE GONNA GIVE US ALL AWAY.

DAD, I CAN'T.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING AN ULCER OR SOMETHING.

JIMMY, AT YOUR AGE, IT'S PROBABLY JUST INTESTINAL PARASITES.

OH, OK. WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

LOOK. LOOK, OK?

THIS WHOLE THING STARTED WHEN CLAUDIA GOT IT IN HER HEAD

THAT I DON'T CARRY MY SHARE.

ALL RIGHT? AND YOU KNOW HOW CONDESCENDING SHE CAN BE.

SO YOU'RE GONNA GET HENRY HIS HAIRCUT TODAY, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH. GO BACK FURTHER.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FORGET, ARE YOU?

NO.

Claudia: SEAN, LISTEN. IT'S FOR HIS CHOIR RECITAL.

PLEASE DON'T FORGET. HE'S GOT A SOLO.

WE'LL ACTUALLY GET TO SEE HIM THIS TIME,

AND HE REALLY NEEDS A HAIRCUT.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, OK?

I'M NOT GONNA FORGET.

'CAUSE YOU NEVER FORGET ANYTHING, RIGHT?

SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

YOU DID PICK UP JIMMY?

YEAH. OF COURSE.

OH, GOD. YOU KNOW, THAT WAS LIKE ONE TIME.

YO, ELWAY. CHUCK IT.

ONE TIME? NO. IT'S ALL THE TIME.

IT'S THE GARBAGE THAT DOESN'T GET TAKEN OUT

AND THE DOG THAT DOESN'T GET WASHED.

THE HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS DON'T GET TAKEN DOWN.

WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

THERE'S A WITCH ON OUR DOOR, SWEETIE.

OH, OK. THAT'S SO INSULTING.

WELL, COME ON. WHAT?

THAT'S SO UNFAIR FOR YOU TO SIT HERE ON YOUR HIGH HOR--

YOU KNOW, HOW DARE YOU?

HOW DARE I?

YES, HOW DARE YOU,

LAYING THIS TRIP ON ME LIKE I'M SOME IRRESPONSIBLE BOOB

WHO DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF HIS FAMILY.

Eddie: YO, SEAN.

NO, NO, NO. YOU AND I MIGHT HAVE DIFFERENT PRIORITIES, CLAUDIA, OK?

BUT I AM A GOOD FATHER AND A GOOD HUSBAND

AND IF SOMETHING NEEDS DOIN' AROUND HERE, OK,

I ULTIMATELY GET AROUND AND DO IT,

AND I WOULD APPRECIATE, OK,

A LITTLE BIT OF THANKS

AND JUST SOME KIND OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF THAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

YO, YO, YO, YO, YO.

[CAR ALARM GOES OFF]

[SHOUTS OVER NOISE] VERY STIRRING SPEECH!

[SHOUTS] WELL, IT NEEDED TO BE SAID!

HEY, LIL, CHECK IT OUT.

THE TICKETS.

YES! WHO'S COOLER THAN YOUR UNCLE EDWIN?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HOW DID YOU GET THEM?

I KNOW A GUY.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW A GUY.

HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU KNOW?

I KNOW ABOUT 75 GUYS.

THIS IS SO FAR BEYOND COOL.

Claudia: WHAT IS?

EDDIE GOT ME 4 TICKETS TO THE NO DOUBT CONCERT.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S TOTALLY SOLD OUT, AND IT'S IN A TINY CLUB.

IT'LL BE LIKE THEY'RE IN OUR HOUSE.

THAT IS AMAZING.

NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

IT'S A BENEFIT CONCERT, ONLY 300 PEOPLE WILL BE THERE,

AND ME AND MY FRIENDS WILL BE FOUR OF THEM.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

NO. IT'S GENIUS.

I KNOW.

OH, FORGET IT. YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

I GET IT.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING THIS AT ALL.

SO, IF YOU GOT HENRY THE HAIRCUT,

THEN WHY IS JIMMY HIDING IN THE DRYER?

WHAT?

HEY, JIMMY, GET OUT OF THERE. COME ON.

THAT'S NOT SAFE.

HEY, DAD, I WAS GONNA GET HIM THE HAIRCUT,

BUT I WASN'T GONNA BLOW A WHOLE SATURDAY ON IT, ALL RIGHT?

SO I TOOK HIM TO THE MOVIES.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY COKE?

DUDE, WHERE'S MY SHOE?

DUDE, WHERE'S MY BUTT?

DUDE, WHERE'S MY DUDE?

OK, THAT'S ENOUGH.

COME ON. WE GOTTA GET TO THE BARBERSHOP.

LET'S GO, GUYS.

HOW LONG WAS THE MOVIE?

WELL, IT WASN'T JUST THE MOVIE.

LET ME TRY THE VERY VERY BERRY.

LOOK, YOU CAN'T TASTE EVERY FLAVOR IN THE STORE.

OH, NO. ACTUALLY, WE BETTER GET GOING TO THE BARBERSHOP.

SORRY.

AND THEN YOU WENT TO THE BARBERSHOP.

YEAH, WELL...UH, WELL,

YEAH, NOT STRAIGHT THERE.

WE...YEAH.

NO.

COME ON.

PUSH THE BUTTON ALREADY.

UH, DAD?

YOU KNOW, WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE TAPE.

ARE YOU SURE THAT IT'S SAFE?

JIMMY, THE SET THE TAPE WAY FAR BACK.

IT'S FOR INSURANCE.

IT'S LIKE MILK.

YOU CAN DRINK IT WEEKS AFTER THAT DATE THEY PUT ON IT.

Sean: ALL RIGHT!

SHOWTIME. WHOO!

AWESOME.

CHECK OUT THE DUST CLOUD.

DAD, ARE YOU SURE THAT IT'S SAFE TO BE IN FRONT OF THE LINE?

YEAH.

RUN!

[COUGHS] I THINK I MAY HAVE BLACK LUNG.

I THINK I'VE GOT BLOWN-UP PIECES OF RAT ON ME.

THEY PUT THAT YELLOW LINE WAY TOO CLOSE.

OH, NO.

SO YOU FRITTERED AWAY A WHOLE DAY?

WE WERE HAVING FUN, AND THEN WE GOT TO THIS PLACE,

AND THE BARBERSHOP WAS CLOSED,

AND YOU KNOW CLAUDIA.

I KNEW HOW MUCH SHE WAS FREAKING OUT

ABOUT HENRY GETTING HIS HAIR CUT FOR THE RECITAL,

AND THEN I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOW HARD COULD IT BE?

HUH? HUH?

ALL RIGHT.

OH, WOW.

WHAT, WOW?

THAT WAS A BIG CLUMP.

I'M GONNA DO THE SAME THING TO THE OTHER SIDE.

VOILA.

HOW DOES IT LOOK?

Eddie: UH-OH.

WHAT, UH-OH?

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

ISN'T IT EASIER TO CUT IT IF IT'S WET?

YES. GOOD POINT. YES. WET.

HEY, HAND ME THAT SPRAY BOTTLE RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S GOOD. GOOD DEAL.

AAH! OW!

THAT'S WINDEX.

OH, GOD! OH! SORRY, HENRY.

OK. OK. LOOKING GOOD.

LOOKIN' CROOKED.

YOU HAVE TO USE THE EARS TO CALIBRATE.

I'M USING THE EARS.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE USING THE EARS.

LOOK, IF ANYTHING, I'M OVER-RELYING ON THE EARS.

JUST PUT THE SCISSORS DOWN AND WALK AWAY.

I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOTTA FLUFF. I JUST GOTTA FLUFF.

[HAIR DRYER RUNS]

OK. WE GOT SOME BODY.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO RIGHT HERE?

WHERE?

Jimmy: HE'S GOT A BALD SPOT.

HEY, IT'S GOOD, HENRY.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK OLDER.

SO YOU JUST DUMPED THE HAIR DOWN THE DISPOSAL?

WELL, I FIGURED IF CLAUDIA COULDN'T FIND THE EVIDENCE,

THEN, YOU KNOW,

SHE WOULD NEVER KNOW.

SHE COULD LOOK AT HIS HEAD.

YEAH. YEAH, AND SHE DID.

* IN MY HAND NO PRICE I BRING *

* SIMPLY TO THY CROSS I CLING *

* ROCK OF AGES

* CLEFT TO ME

* LET ME HIDE MYSELF IN THEE *

OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO HENRY'S HAIR?

UH...

TONY THE BARBER WAS DRUNK.

YEAH.

* BE OF SIN THE DOUBLE CURE *

* SAVE FROM WRATH AND MAKE ME PURE *

* SAVE FROM WRATH AND MAKE ME PURE *

SO, JIMBO CAME THROUGH WITH AN EXCELLENT STORY,

AND I WAS OFF THE HOOK.

WHAT A PROUD DAY.

DAD, LISTEN. I CAN'T KEEP LYING LIKE THIS.

I WANT TO TELL THE TRUTH.

HEY, HEY, HEY. JIMMY, WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER, OK?

SO IF I GO DOWN, YOU GO DOWN.

WHY? I DIDN'T CUT HENRY'S HAIR.

YOU DIDN'T STOP US.

THAT MAKES YOU AN ACCESSORY AFTER THE FACT.

HEY, KRISTINA. WHATCHA DOIN' SATURDAY NIGHT?

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GUESS WHAT I GOT.

YEAH. SOMETHING TOTALLY BEYOND COOL JUST HAPPENED.

I GOT...

SEE, I GOT...

I GOTTA GO.

WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HER TO THE CONCERT?

I'M NOT GOING TO ASK HER.

KRISTINA IS YOUR BEST FRIEND.

EXACTLY. SHE ALREADY LIKES ME.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO GAIN BY INVITING HER?

IT WOULD JUST BE A WASTE OF A TICKET.

I MEAN, THESE THINGS COULD BE MY KEY

TO POPULARITY FOREVER,

AND I ALMOST BLEW ONE ON MY FRIEND.

HEY, LIL. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT--

WHOA. WHAT IS IT, JIMMY?

WHAT?

HA HA. THERE'S A SOFTENER SHEET ON YOUR BACK,

WHICH MEANS YOU'VE BEEN IN THE DRYER, WHICH MEANS YOU'VE BEEN HIDING FROM ME,

WHICH MEAN YOU'RE KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME. WHAT IS IT?

NOTHING.

ARE YOU LYIN'?

YES. MM-HMM.

OK, UNCLE EDDIE, YOU GOT ME INTO THIS,

SO YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME OUT.

WHAT?

ALL RIGHT. THESE ARE THE NAMES

OF EVERYBODY I COULD POSSIBLY INVITE TO THE CONCERT.

THE BLUE PEOPLE ARE MY ACTUAL FRIENDS,

THE RED PEOPLE ARE POPULAR PEOPLE WHO KINDA KNOW ME,

AND THE GREEN PEOPLE ARE POPULAR PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME.

OK.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, IF I INVITE MORE THAN ONE GREEN,

THEY'LL JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER,

AND I'LL END UP WITH A BLUE OR A RED.

AND THE RED WOULD PROBABLY JUST GO OVER TO THE GREEN,

SO THAT WON'T WORK.

BUT IF I INVITE AN EXTRA BLUE FOR INSURANCE,

THE GREEN PERSON WON'T EVEN COME,

SO I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN RISK IT

AND JUST INVITE BLUES AND REDS AND NO GREENS,

BUT THAT WOULD BE SUCH A WASTE, WOULDN'T IT?

WHO'S GREEN AGAIN?

POPULAR PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME.

OK. WHY DON'T YOU JUST--

WAIT A MINUTE. WHO'S BLUE?

OH! YOU ARE USELESS!

RUB IT IN, WHY DON'T YOU?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE GAVE HENRY THAT HAIRCUT.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS.

WELL, YOU, YOU LYING TO ME, THAT'S WHAT THREW ME OFF.

MOM, I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO,

BUT DAD TOLD ME IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

OK. THAT LOOKS OK, RIGHT?

Jimmy: NO.

LILY, GIVE ME THAT HAT. COME ON. COME ON.

WHY?

'CAUSE HENRY NEED TO BORROW IT, THAT'S WHY.

OH, YEAH. YEAH. THAT DOESN'T LOOK STUPID AT ALL.

WHERE'S A MIRROR?

OH! UM...OH.

MOM IS GONNA FREAK OUT.

LOOK, NOT IF SHE DOESN'T FIND OUT HOW IT HAPPENED, OK?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

LITTLE LIFE LESSON, ALL RIGHT?

THERE ARE CERTAIN SITUATIONS,

AND THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THEM, OK,

WHERE THE BEST BET FOR EVERYBODY INVOLVED

IS THAT WHAT WE DO IS, WE...UH, WE LIE.

BUT YOU ALWAYS TELL US NOT TO LIE.

YOU YELL AT US WHEN WE LIE.

OK, BUT THIS IS A WHITE LIE, ALL RIGHT,

AND THAT'S THE KIND OF LIE

WHERE YOU SPARE SOMEONE'S FEELING,

AND WE'RE SPARING YOUR MOTHER'S FEELINGS.

HOW? WELL, WE'RE KEEPING HER

FROM FEELING BAD THAT SHE MARRIED AN IDIOT.

NOT LYING'S LIKE A COMMANDMENT.

YEAH? WELL, SO IS HONORING THY FATHER, OK?

AND THAT'S, LIKE, MUCH HIGHER,

OK? SO, LOOK.

ARE YOU GUYS WITH ME ON THIS ONE?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, COME ON. JIMMY,

JIMMY, JIMMY, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.

YOUR MOTHER IS A WOMAN, OK,

AND SHE KEEPS SCORE EVERY TIME I SCREW UP,

AND THIS AFTERNOON, I LOBBED A BIG MEATBALL ACROSS THE PLATE,

SO I HAVE TO ASK ONE THING OF YOU, SON, OK?

JUST DON'T FREAK OUT ON ME!

AND HE THOUGHT I WASN'T GONNA FIGURE THAT OUT?

YOU DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT. I TOLD YOU.

WELL, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW THAT.

SEE? NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME LIE.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S OK, JIMMY,

'CAUSE I'M ASKING YOU TO LIE ABOUT A LIE.

IT JUST CANCELS IT OUT.

YOUR DAD, THOUGH, ASKED YOU TO LIE ABOUT THE TRUTH,

AND THAT IS JUST WRONG.

FOR THAT, HE WILL SUFFER.

OK, UNCLE EDDIE. I'VE GOT IT FIGURED OUT.

YOU READY?

OK. OK.

SO I INVITE JULIE AND LAUREN.

NOW, JULIE HATES LAUREN, SO SHE WON'T GO,

BUT I'LL STILL GET POINTS FOR ASKING.

NOW, KIM WILL GO,

BUT SHE'LL WANT TO BRING HER BOYFRIEND BRANDON,

BUT THAT'S OK, 'CAUSE HE'S CAPTAIN OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

NOW, HE DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT JASON AND DAVID,

AND THEY EACH HAVE GIRLFRIENDS, WHICH IS FINE,

'CAUSE ONCE I'M IN WITH THAT CROWD, I'M SET.

SO I GET LAUREN, KIM, BRANDON, JASON, DAVID, ALLISON, MARILEE,

HER LITTLE SISTER, AND HER SISTER'S FRIENDS, GAIL AND TRACY,

AND ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS 7 MORE TICKETS.

I CAN'T GET 7 MORE TICKETS.

I CAN WORK WITH 5.

I CAN'T GET ANY MORE TICKETS.

3? NO. NONE. ZERO.

AAH!

YEAH. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

IT'S SO FUNNY. TWO DAYS AGO, THAT DRAIN WAS WORKING FINE.

IT SURE WILL BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT'S CLOGGED DOWN THERE, WON'T IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GOT SO MUCH STUFF TO DO, CLAUDIA.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT AND WATCH US UNCLOG THE DRAIN.

NO. I'M INTERESTED.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

YEAH. LILY,

SHE PUTS PAPER TOWELS DOWN THERE ALL THE TIME.

I'M GONNA GO GIVE THAT GIRL A PIECE OF MY MIND.

UH...

UH--DON'T--UH-- DON'T--UH--DON'T--

YOU KNOW, DON'T DO THAT,

BECAUSE, UH, WELL, IT WASN'T HER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WELL, BECAUSE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS-- I JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE WATCHING HER,

OK, BEFORE,

AND SHE WASN'T DOING THAT.

YOU KNOW?

SO YOU'VE BEEN GUARDING THE DRAIN?

HA HA! YOU MEAN LIKE--NO.

NO. NO.

I WAS--NO.

IF IT'S NOT PAPER TOWELS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT COULD POSSIBLY BE,

UNLESS IT WAS HENRY'S HAIR THAT YOU CUT YOURSELF

AND THEN TRIED TO FLUSH DOWN THE DISPOSAL.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT WAS LILY AND THOSE DAMN PAPER TOWELS.

IT WAS NOT LILY'S DAMN PAPER TOWELS.

SEE, I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS.

HOW COULD I NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID, "HOW DARE YOU?

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY COMPETENCE?"

OH, THERE'S NO WAY I SAID, "HOW DARE YOU."

OH, I THINK YOU DID.

HOW DARE YOU!

HERE, EDDIE.

[CAR ALARM GOES OFF]

I DIDN'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE AMAZING, SEAN.

AND 2 HOURS AGO, GIVEN THE CHOICE OF JUST TELLING ME THE TRUTH

OR YELLING AT POOR OLD TONY,

YOU YELLED AT TONY.

OK. THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE GONE DOWN

EXACTLY THE WAY YOU MAY HAVE PERCEIVED IT TO HAVE.

CLAUD. CLAUD. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

I'M GOING TO TONY'S.

WHY?

I'M GONNA PLUNGE HIS SCISSORS INTO HIS NECK.

OH, NO, CLAUD. CLAUDIA, DON'T DO THIS.

AFTER THAT HAIRCUT HE GAVE HENRY?

NO, NO. COME ON. COME ON. LET ME TALK TO HIM.

YOU DON'T EVEN CARE.

I CARE. THEN WHY AREN'T YOU ANGRY?

OH, I'M ANGRY.

I WANT TO GO IN THERE AND TEAR HIM A NEW ONE.

I WANT TO GO TEAR HIM TWO NEW ONES.

JUST LET ME DO IT, OK?

OK. OK.

TONY.

SEAN.

LISTEN, YOU'VE DONE NOTHIN' WRONG, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

NOTHIN' AT ALL.

YEAH? YEAH. YEAH,

AND I CAME BY YESTERDAY

WITH MY BOY TO GET A HAIRCUT

BUT YOU WERE CLOSED,

SO I GAVE HIM A HAIRCUT,

AND IT WAS THE WORST FREAKIN' HAIRCUT

IN THE HISTORY OF HAIRCUTS--THE WORST!

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU YELLIN' AT ME FOR?

WHY AM I YELLIN' AT YOU?

BECAUSE I'M AN ASS,

AND I'M TRYIN' TO SAVE MY BUTT,

AND YOU SEE THAT WOMAN OUT THERE?

SHE'S MARRIED TO ME, OK,

SO YOU LET ME YELL AT YOU FOR JUST A MINUTE LONGER,

SHE MIGHT NOT KILL ME!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME,

YOU PERFECTLY NICE SON OF A BITCH?

PLEASE, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

YOU--

AND I'LL PAY FOR THAT NEXT TIME I'M IN!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

WELL, I WAS THINKING

I'D RATHER HAVE A BARBER MAD AT ME THAN MY WIFE.

YEAH. OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

YOU ONLY GET ONE HAIRCUT A YEAR, YOU DIRTY HIPPIE.

OK. HERE'S THE HAIRBALL.

IT LOOKS LIKE A DEAD SQUIRREL.

YEAH, IT DOES.

CAN I HAVE IT?

NO! NO, NO.

BUT IT CAME OFF OF ME.

NO, HENRY. NO.

OH!

OH, COME ON.

IT WAS LIKE MOM COULD SEE RIGHT INTO THE CENTER OF MY SOUL...

AND WHAT SHE SAW THERE WAS THIS HARD EVIL,

AND IT BURNED MY INSIDES LIKE FIRE.

YEAH, BUT YOU GET USED TO IT.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

DO WHAT TO YOU?

GIVE ME 4 TICKETS.

UH, YOU BEGGED FOR THEM?

THINK, UNCLE EDDIE. 4 TICKETS.

THE MATH DOESN'T WORK.

SURE, I GET 3 NEW FRIENDS,

BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE FINDS OUT?

I'LL BE RUINED.

HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH TO GET THOSE TICKETS?

MAJOR FAVORS WERE CALLED IN.

A FED EX EMPLOYEE RISKED HIS JOB.

2 STRIPPERS HAD TO MAKE A LATE NIGHT TRIP TO JERSEY.

DO NOT ASK ME WHY.

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU, UNCLE EDDIE?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

SHE'S WEIRD.

YOU SAID IT.

HEY, YOU WANT TO GO SCALP THESE?

SURE.

ALL RIGHT. PUT A JACKET ON

AND SOME SHOES YOU CAN RUN IN.

Sean: CLAUD. CLAUD.

CLAUDIA. CLAUDIA. CLAUDIA, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE SORRY.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I JUST WANT YOU TO DO THE STUFF I WANT YOU TO DO.

YEAH. I WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS.

REALLY. I WOULD LOVE TO BE THE GUY

THAT WANTS TO DO THOSE THINGS,

BUT I JUST CAN'T,

OK, BECAUSE I'M NOT GOOD AT THEM.

I'M JUST NOT PROGRAMMED THAT WAY, YOU KNOW?

IF SOMEONE'S BLEEDIN', I'M RIGHT THERE.

FIX A BICYCLE, SURE.

YOU KNOW, PICK SOMETHING HEAVY UP OFF THE GROUND

AND PUT IT SOMEWHERE. THAT'S ME,

OK? BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE THINGS I'M GOOD AT,

BUT THE TERRIFIC THING IS,

IS THAT YOU'RE GREAT AT THE OTHER THINGS,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M SUCH A LUCKY GUY.

IT'S LIKE THE YIN-YANG, YOU KNOW?

YOU AND THE THINGS THAT YOU DO,

YOU HOLD THIS FAMILY TOGETHER,

LIKE REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS

OR BUYING CLOTHES

OR MAKING THOSE TASTY, BALANCED LUNCHES

FOR OUR LITTLE ONES,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M SUCH A LUCKY GUY,

AND I'M IN AWE OF YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING.

YOU DON'T REALLY THINK I'M BUYING ANY OF THIS CRAP, DO YOU?

YEAH. OK.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, TONY? CAN YOU FIX IT?

OF COURSE HE CAN FIX IT. HE'S THE KING.

I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS A TRAIN WRECK.

AW, COME ON, GUYS. IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

THERE'S NOTHIN' TO WORK WITH ON THE SIDES.

MOHAWK.

YEAH. MOHAWK.

YEAH. MOHAWKS ARE BACK BIG-TIME.

NO, THEY'RE NOT.

Tony: I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHAVE HIM BALD AND START FRESH.

I WANT TO BE BALD.

WHOA. I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO MAKE HIM BALD.

I CAN MAKE HIM BALD.

DON'T TOUCH THAT.

SEAN, PUT THAT DOWN.

NOW.