Original subtitles

I can't do it anymore. I don't wanna do it anymore.

I can't go on. Not another step.

Come on, Alice. Don't give up.

Our friend here always thinks of something.

(PANTING)

Well, you got any last ideas? One.

What's that? We're goners.

I knew you'd come up with the right answer.

NARRA TOR: Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry,

the two most successful outlaws in the history of the West.

And in all the trains and banks they robbed,

they never shot anyone.

This made our two Iatter-day Robin Hoods very popular

with everyone but the railroads and the banks.

CURRY: There's one thing we gotta get, Heyes.

HEYES.' What's that?

CURRY: Out of this business.

LOM: The governor can't come flat out and give you amnesty now.

First, you gotta prove you deserve it.

Ah, so all we have to do is just stay out of trouble

till the governor figures we deserve amnesty.

But in the meantime, we'll still be wanted.

LOM: Well, that's true.

Till then, only you, me and the governor will know about it.

It'II be our secret.

CURRY: I sure wish the governor would let a few more people

in on our secret.

NARRATOR: Alias Smith and Jones,

starring Pete Duel and Ben Murphy.

CHARLIE: Hey, Kid!

(CHARLIE WHOOPING) Oh, no.

We got to shut him up. Darned if it ain't...

Howdy, Charlie. Well, how are you doing?

(MEN LAUGHING)

Yeah.

I sure am glad somebody showed up.

(SHUSHING) Charlie, Charlie.

Your voice. Huh?

Keep it down. Oh! Oh, sure.

You fellas are still on the dodge?

We'd Iike to keep it that way. I'm sorry.

I was just so glad to see a couple of familiar faces. I wasn't thinking.

There's no harm done, Charlie.

What did they get you for this time?

You mean you ain't heard?

Heard what?

About me.

No. Well, I'm the reason all these folks are in town.

I hear the hotel's filled up. I figured that's why you showed up, too.

You mean all these people are in town because of you?

They come in for my trial.

It was really something. Sure am sorry you fellas missed that.

But anyway, you can stay for the rest of it, can't you?

Stay for what?

My hanging. It's gonna be tomorrow morning.

Visitors, Charlie.

Kind of wondered how long it'd be till some of your friends showed up.

What's the matter, Sheriff? Something wrong with paying a visit to a condemned man?

No. But I wouldn't try to make out Iike you're some kind of Good Samaritans.

I mean, you stand to be pretty well-paid for cheering him up,

ain't that right?

Hi, Charlie.

What was that all about?

Yeah. What did he mean by being well-paid for visiting you?

Come on. Neither of you heard about what I stole?

Stole?

$100,000 in gold bars.

We just rode into town, Charlie.

We didn't hear nothing about $100,000 in gold.

I'm not sure we want to.

Well, now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that.

AII right, Charlie. Tell us about the gold.

Hell, I buried it on the desert before the posse caught up to me.

I figured I was gonna have to take the secret of where it's hid to glory with me.

But now that you boys are here...

I was right. We don't want to hear about it.

We don't?

It was stolen, Kid.

Even if we didn't steal it ourselves,

we'd be committing a crime if we went after it.

What you mean, you'd be committing a crime? Since when did that ever bother you?

Since the Governor offered us an amnesty,

if we stayed out oftrouble long enough to earn it.

You mean, I still got to get hung tomorrow

knowing $100,000 is just gonna sit there until the end ofthe world?

Well, what about telling the Iaw where it is?

Maybe you can make a deal for a reprieve.

There was a couple of other fellas in that robbery with me.

Kind of wild and reckless fellas, you know what I mean?

They got themselves killed off when the posse caught up to us.

But they sure made things exciting before they went.

CURRY: What are you trying to say, Charlie, that some men in the posse were killed, too?

That's right.

I don't figure even 500,000 worth of gold's gonna bargain me any reprieve.

So, I guess I'II just have to leave that gold where it's at,

unless I can get you boys to change your mind.

No.

I don't think so, Charlie. That amnesty means a lot to us.

There's something else you could do for me.

Kind of a last request.

Sure, Charlie.

What is it?

Be here tomorrow morning for the hanging.

How much money we got between us?

About $15.

You're not thinking about those gold bars, are you?

No, I'm thinking about a drink. I feel terrible.

I wish old Charlie never spotted us.

No, it could've been worse.

A Iawman could've spotted us.

Smith! Jones!

Is that... Yeah. Special Agent Harry Briscoe in the flesh.

(LAUGHING)

Hi, Mr. Briscoe.

Golly, it's good to see you boys!

What, you come for the hanging?

No, sir, Mr. Briscoe. We're just passing through.

I see.

Say, you know, the way you two helped me with those train robbers outside Brimstone?

That gave me a big boost in the Bannerman organization.

You know, I'd sure Iike to have a chance later to buy you fellas a drink

and thank you proper.

Well, Ithink you could do that. We're staying the night.

Good. Good. Where'II I meet you?

How about the saloon?

Good thinking, Jones.

I'm Smith. He's Jones.

I know that.

Just checking you out.

See you, boys.

Heyes, do you think it's such a good idea

accepting an invite from a Bannerman detective?

No.

It's almost as dangerous as turning him down.

Wonder why they're looking at us Iike that?

I can only think of two or three reasons.

Any one of which would get us 20 years.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Whisky, please. Two.

Boy, you keep your money in your pocket.

Anything you want in here, friend, is on the house.

On the house?

Well, you're friends of Charlie O'Rourke's, ain't you?

Word sure travels fast. Yeah.

Any friend of Charlie's is a friend of mine.

Another drink? Don't mind if I do.

BRISCOE: Hold it, Vic.

These boys drinking out of my bottle.

Set us up a corner table over there.

VIC: Yes, sir, Mr. Briscoe.

Looks Iike we got more to discuss than I thought.

Ijust had a very interesting talk with the sheriff about you two.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault.

Ma'am, you shouldn't be sorry. It's my fault.

Good day.

Sit down, sit down.

Straight Kentucky corn.

Finest drinking whiskey known to man.

Now, what do we talk about?

Sounded Iike you had something to talk about.

Oh, the sheriff.

That was real interesting.

Yeah, he just happened to mention that you boys

dropped in to see Charlie O'Rourke. Real friendly.

So?

We did say hello. And goodbye.

Hello and goodbye to a thief and a murderer.

Kind of suggests to me that you know him.

Come on, boys.

You didn't just happen into town.

O'Rourke sent for you, right?

Why would a known outlaw send for us?

Now, that was gonna be my next question.

And I think I've got the answer.

Now you told me that you could identify Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry

from the time when you were in trouble

and were befriended by the gang.

That's the honest truth.

Treated us Iike one oftheir own kind.

That is, until we were able to go our own separate, Iaw-abiding way.

And you never been mixed up in outlawing before or since?

This was supposed to be a friendly drink, Mr. Briscoe. What're you getting at?

Well, just this.

How come you know Charlie O'Rourke?

He never rode with the Devil's Hole gang.

We know lots of men.

Some good and some bad. What does that have to do with our friendship?

Boys, our friendship and myjob may be at odds here.

If it comes to a showdown, you know which way the Iead'll fly.

A showdown?

I expect you two to tell me where O'Rourke buried that gold

before you leave town.

That is, if you expect to leave this town in the vertical.

Mr. Briscoe, that sounds Iike a threat.

Oh, no. Just a prediction.

I know people in these one-horse towns.

When you go out after that gold,

you're gonna think you're leading the parade,

or somebody'Il kill you before you leave town,

trying to beat it out of you where the gold's buried.

Think it over.

The gold'II keep longer than you will.

Yeah. We don't have enough money to hang around this town,

and it don't appear we got enough to leave either.

We're only $100,000 short. We'll think of something.

Meanwhile, the fella said all the drinks are on the house.

We're real popular gents.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

What is it? Huh?

That folded paper in your hand.

It's a note.

I figured that much. What's it say?

It says to come up and see her in her room.

Who?

Her.

I figured that much, too. Which one of us? Who's the note to?

The note seems to have fallen nearer me.

Funny, Iwas thinking it was nearer me.

(LAUGHING)

(CHEERING)

(SINGING)

(ALL CHEERING)

We weren't sure who the invitation was for, ma'am.

Why, both of you, of course. You do chaperone each other, don't you?

Yes, of course. And three makes it perfectly proper.

I do hope that you Iike the tea.

It's one ofthe few vestiges of civilization

that I have managed to maintain in this town.

You don't Iike it here in Browntown, ma'am?

No. I was on my way to San Francisco.

Unfortunately, this is as far as I got.

Well, how long have you been here?

Eighteen months.

I was on my way to San Francisco hoping to get a stake

so that I could open a place of my own.

Your own saloon? Well, and a dance hall.

I must admit I do get nauseous on that swing,

but everyone else seems to Iike it. Please.

Ma'am, they'd Iike it if you were

standing in the middle of a poker table,

wearing a full length overcoat,

as long as you sang it just the way you did.

Well, thank you, that is so sweet of you. I'm so glad you Iike it

because that's exactly why I asked you to come up here.

Ma'am?

To offer you each a portion of my business.

Ma'am? A partnership.

A partnership?

AII three of us in San Francisco.

You said yourself that I'd be a success with my singing.

And our money?

Well, since you are about to come into a large sum of cash.

You know, I really do wish we'd have Iet Charlie tell us where he hid the stuff.

This is getting painful.

I'm beginning to see what you mean. Come on. Let's go.

JAILER: AII right, ma'am.

How much time, sir?

JAILER: About four hours more or less.

Do you mean to spend the whole time?

Well, yes, I do.

Unless Mr. O'Rourke minds.

Heck, no, I don't mind, miss.

But why, miss?

I thought that maybe a few songs

and someone to talk to might make the night go a little easier for you.

You know the one about the drum and the fife?

(SINGING THE STREETS OF LAREDO)

lsee by your outfit

That you are a cowboy

These words I do say As I boldly sit by

I'll sit down beside you

And hear your sad story

You'll hang in the morning I know you must die

Oh, beat the drum slowly And play the fife lowly

Play the death march As you carry him along

Take him to the valley and lay the sod o'er him

For he's a young cowboy

We know he's done wrong

Sixjolly cowboys to carry his coffin

Six pretty maidens to bear up his pall

Put bunches ofroses all over his coffin

Put roses to deaden the sod as they fall

Oh, beat the drum slowly And play the fife lowly

(PRIEST CHATTERING)

And give a wild hoot As we wave him along

We loved our poor Charlie

So brave and so handsome

We loved our young cowboy

And this is his song

MAN 1: AII right, turn around. CURRY: Hey, what is this?

HEYES: Hey, what's going on here?

MAN 2: Come on, we're going for a walk.

(MEN PUNCHING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(RATTLING)

BRISCOE: Wait a minute! We're friends!

I'II have the Iaw on you! Remember...

(YELLING INCOHERENTLY)

Mr. Briscoe, next time you feel Iike sending men

to beat Charlie O'Rourke's gold out of us, don't!

Unless you've got the secret for breathing underwater.

Wait, boys!

I really don't think you got anything to say to us.

(CHOKING) $5,ooo!

But I could be wrong. I was just about to mention that.

(WHEEZING)

An end to hostilities, hey, boys?

I don't mind drinking to that.

The company's starting to sweat about their gold,

so they've authorized a reward for recovery.

Five percent.

Just doesn't sound as impressive as 100,000, does it?

No, but it's honest money, no questions asked.

Now, you take me to the gold or tell me where it is,

and you're out of it free with a $5,000 consolation prize.

Well, boys, what do you say?

HEYES: Same as yesterday, Mr. Briscoe.

Charlie didn't tell us where the gold is.

And we don't figure he's likely to now.

What about Alice Banion?

She didn't spend four hours in his cell last night singing him gospel hymns for nothing.

Alice spent four hours with Charlie?

Singing gospel hymns?

That's right.

Now, what do you think will happen to that little lady if word gets around

that she was with Charlie the night before he swung?

I won't be able to talk any sense into her,

but you boys are smarter than I am.

Now you help the little lady dig up the gold.

You get the reward and save her from doing 10 years in prison.

Mr. Briscoe, you're asking us to Iie to her, get her to lead us to the gold

and then take it from her for the reward, and we're not going to do that.

Yes. Yes, you are. I'II tell you why.

I've been thinking about you boys

and I don't believe anything you told me from the first time we met.

Ithink you're a pair of crooks.

Which pair of crooks, I don't know.

But over in the sheriff's office

there's a file of descriptions of crooks

and I'm going through it.

And when I do, I think I'm gonna find you there.

Now, you do what I ask, and I won't go through that file.

I'II just forget my suspicions.

Well, boys, you going to do it or not?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Well, you're still here.

May we come in? Why?

Well, we've been doing a little thinking, Alice.

About what?

About you and Charlie's gold.

Thank you.

What about it? We'd Iike to help you with it.

That's very thoughtful of you, but very confusing. I don't have the gold.

But you will, Alice.

We figure that you know where Charlie hid it.

Gentlemen,

ifthat were remotely possible,

why on earth would I share my good fortune with you?

Because if you want to keep any part of that good fortune, you'll have to move it.

Probably in a hurry.

You have any idea how much $100,000 worth of gold weighs?

The market price for gold this morning was $21 an ounce.

At $333 a pound, that would be...

How soon would you boys be ready to leave?

(CALLING TO HORSES)

They're getting awfully far ahead of us, Sheriff.

That's right, Hank.

I don't aim to eat their dust all day.

We'll follow along about a half mile behind. All right, boys.

Round up.

Relay station! We change horses here.

I think I'II stretch my legs.

You want to come out if you want? It's nothing to Iook at, but you can.

No, thanks. I think I'II stay here.

Whoa! Hold it, men.

We'll Iay back here until they get going again.

Well, they're going again.

(HEYES CALLING TO HORSES)

(WHISTLING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Hey, where are you going with that?

Hey!

ALICE: You're both out of your minds!

We can't get away from them in a stagecoach!

HEYES: Hang on and wait!

ALICE: Forwhat? The wheels to fall off?

What's going on?

Theyjust up and took it. They stole the stage.

HANK: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get after them.

Will you hold your horses?

We want them to think they're getting away.

Besides, that stagecoach'll leave a trail that I could follow in my sleep.

AII right, boys. Nice and easy.

We're on a downhill pull now.

AII right!

This is ¡t!

(YELLING)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

ALICE: How far will it go without the driver?

HEYES: Few miles, till they figure nobody's beating them, then they'll stop!

CURRY: Few miles is all we need.

I can't see. Are they coming?

(HORSES APPROACHING)

(ALICE YELPING) Come on, get down. Here they come.

I sort of wish I could be there

when they find out what it is they've been chasing.

You know, I really don't understand anything.

So they find an empty coach. What good does that do us?

On the road, on foot, in the middle of nowhere.

Well, I better go get us some horses. You two wait here.

Do you really know what you're doing, either one of you?

Well,

I suppose we could walk from here to where the gold is buried.

I suppose it'd only take two or three weeks.

Alice, didn't anyone ever tell you that every cloud has a silver lining?

The last man who told me that was killed by a cloud with a tornado in it.

BRISCOE: It's about time you got here. Drop the gun, boy. It's me up here.

This place was beginning to spook me.

You have any trouble finding it?

I got turned around once.

Directions were right on the money. Yeah.

Somehow you always come around to money, Mr. Briscoe.

That's what they pay me for.

Single-mindedness. Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, I'II see you back in town in a week or so.

With the gold, boy. The whole 100,000.

Yeah, that was the deal.

Just don't forget your end of it.

Come on.

(HORSES NEIGHING)

How did you do that?

AII it takes is a little genius.

I don't think so. I think maybe you're a magician or something.

Or something.

Wait, wait. Look back there. That way.

There's somebody following us. A man.

I don't see anything.

Well, he was there, he's gone now. I guess he ducked back.

I think we better go back and take a look.

You wait here. lt'Il be safer.

Okay.

Be careful, all right? I don't want anything to happen to either one of you two.

HEYES: We don't either, Alice.

(GUN COCKING)

I sure hope you weren't planning anything unfriendly with that rifle, Mr. Briscoe.

I didn't know who that was with the sun in my eyes.

Anyway, how was I to know you were gonna double back.

You should've figured we would when you let Alice spot you.

You almost put the whole plan out to pasture.

Now, will you get back to town and stay off our backs?

I got as much right out here as anybody. More.

I've got the right to see that you two stay honest.

Can't you get it through your head, Briscoe?

If you make the girl suspicious, there won't be anything to stay honest for.

She'll wait till she can get help from somebody else.

Somebody she can trust.

I don't have any choice. I'm gonna trust you.

Well, now you're finally listening.

Well, we got ourselves all worked up over nothing.

Yeah. He was nothing but an advance man for the railroad.

Why, you two are the worst pair of Iiars that ever lived.

What are you talking about?

This is what I'm talking about.

You just met with Briscoe and I saw it.

And that means that you've been Iying to me from the very beginning.

And I really trusted you. I reallythought you Iiked me.

And I really thought you wanted to help me.

We did it for you.

We just didn't figure it was helping you

by Ietting you run off with stolen property.

They put women in jail, too, you know.

What did Briscoe do? He offer you some kind of a reward?

$5,000.

But we figured on giving you athird.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) I'm supposed to believe that.

(CHUCKLING) But it's true, Alice.

Yeah.

We just couldn't let you do something

that would have you running for the rest of your Iife.

Running is something we know a little about. You wouldn't Iike it.

That's something you can believe.

Well, maybe I do believe you.

Then you'll settle for a third of $5,000?

The gold is about two more days' ride from here.

ALICE: This is it!

Where?

There.

Charlie said that the gold was under a Joshua tree with a big X on it.

HEYES: Thaddeus, how many Joshua trees do you see out there?

CURRY: The same number you see. About 1,000.

Alice, didn't Charlie say anything else?

Yes, of course. He said the marked Joshua tree was beside three large rocks

set in a triangle Iike those right there.

(MEN LAUGHING)

After you, Joshua. Of course.

Look at that. I mean, is that... That is beautiful.

That is the most... Is that not something? Yeah.

We are rich, rich! $100,000 and look at two handsome men.

You know, sometimes Iife isn't so bad, is it?

You know... Oh, look.

Ithink you're overestimating things all the way around, Alice.

Yeah, speak for yourself, Mr. Smith.

Well, I meant the reward on $100,000, of course.

Oh, of course. Of course.

And given the proper circumstances and opportunities

it's more than likely that I could fall in love with you two.

With both of us? Together or separate?

Well, separately, of course.

But don't ask me to choose which one. I simply couldn't do that.

Well, maybe we could settle it between us.

Oh, I couldn't bear the idea of either of you getting hurt fighting over me.

Neither could I. I was thinking more in the order of flipping a coin.

You're joking with me.

(GUNS FIRING)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

BRISCOE: Drop the guns, boys! Next time I don't miss.

(ALICE SCREAMS)

The guns, boys! Throw them over under this tree.

Now, Iittle lady, why don't you just lead those horses over there?

As long as the boys stay put, you'll be all right.

HEYES: You know, I don't believe it, Briscoe. I mean, you're a Bannerman man.

They don't steal.

Was a Bannerman man.

I spent 22 years returning other people's money.

I decided it was time I had a little bit of my own.

You call $100,000 a little?

BRISCOE: That's the whole point, boys.

Every man has a breaking point.

Mine's 100,000 in gold and a clear shot at the border.

Now, wait a minute. You can't leave us out here without horses and without water.

Seeing as how you boys were good enough to give me a drink

the other day,

I'II leave you a canteen. You'll make it back.

'Course it may take you awhile.

Long enough for me to get across the border.

Well, in case we never meet again,

it's been real nice knowing you boys, whoever you are.

Oh, that goes for you, too, little lady.

(LAUGHING)

What are we going to do?

Walk.

But he went that way.

Browntown's that way, and water and horses.

But San Pancracio is this way and it's nearer I think.

I can't do it anymore. I don't wanna do it anymore.

I can't go on. Not another step.

Come on, Alice. Don't give up.

Our friend here always thinks of something.

Well, you got any last ideas? One.

What's that? We're goners.

I knew you'd come up with the right answer.

(SCHMITT SPEAKING GERMAN)

You're beginning to sound peculiar to me, Joshua.

I didn't say anything.

SCHMITT: No, l did.

What are you three doing way out here without horses?

ALICE: I can't get over your cooking, Mr. Schmitt. This sausage.

And that marvelous strudel.

Yeah, they teach well at the German Army.

That's where I learned the basics.

Of course, a real Meisterkoch never stops learning his trade.

After the army, I worked in the finest restaurant in Berlin

until I saved enough money to come to America.

What do you think?

Well, they aren't racers but they'll never quit.

Briscoe won't be making much time leading three horses by reign.

Let's run him...

Walk him down.

Mr. Schmitt. Please, call me Kurt.

I Iike the informal ways of your New World.

AII right, Kurt.

We'd Iike to borrow your horses.

Borrow them?

Isn't that an unusual request?

The reason for it is pretty unusual, too.

CURRY: We want to go after the man that stranded us out here.

Took something from us. Something pretty valuable.

It's worth a lot to us if we catch him.

How much exactly is it worth?

$5,000. It's a reward.

We planned to divide it three ways with Miss Banion here.

Well, gentlemen, to simply loan you my horses

would be poor business practice.

And I came to your country to go into business.

Now, if you would consider dividing the reward four ways, yeah?

AII right.

Mr. Schmitt, you really are a businessman.

Please, my dear, call me Kurt.

Well, we could use a couple of guns, too, if you have any.

A pair of hunting rifles, will they do?

No extra charge.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, you pudding-foot. Go!

(BRISCOE PRACTICING SPANISH)

(HORSES NEIGHING)

Too kind-hearted. That's my trouble.

(GROANING)

Where'd you get them plow horses?

We can explain that on the way back to town. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

You're not taking me back.

Yep.

We figure that the express company

mightjust be willing to raise the reward

if we bring back you and the bullion.

Yeah, they probably would if you took me back.

You won't.

Why won't we?

You haven't exactly earned any favors from us, Briscoe.

Not from Joshua Smith, Thaddeus Jones.

I'd figure Hannibal Heyes, Kid Curry owe me one.

That's right, boys.

Finally did what I threatened to do.

Went through the sheriff's wanted posters.

And there I found two descriptions.

Couldn't be anybody but my good friends, Smith and Jones.

Come on, boys. Let's forget the whole thing.

We'll divide up the gold. You go your way,

I'II go on to Mexico.

No.

We're taking all the money back to the company.

The reward's good enough for us.

You're not going to give it back?

Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry?

Mr. Briscoe, as you already know,

an honest man'll sometimes turn dishonest for a price.

Well, now, it works the other way around, too.

It's never too Iate, Mr. Briscoe.

What you're saying is, if I don't tell them who you are,

you won't tell them what I did?

Seems fair enough.

We don't believe in holding a little crookedness against a fella.

No, sir. We Iike to think there's a little bad in everybody.

HEYES: 900, 1,000, 1,100,1,200,

1,250. Thank you.

Now, you may give me Kurt's share as well.

It's all right. She's the banker in our partnership.

There you go.

Well, it's along way to California.

They'II get you there, if anything will.

HEYES: That's a fact.

You must come visit us if you get to San Francisco.

It's the Golden Perch restaurant, huh?

It's going to be the finest restaurant in San Francisco.

The entertainment will be pretty good, too.

I might even learn some German Iullabies.

Excuse me.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well,

I guess it's about time

to say goodbye.

I guess I'II always wonder what would've happened if I'd met you one at a time.

My dear.

Best of luck, Alice. You deserve it.

Auf Wiedersehen, huh? Bye.

What you thinking?

Well...

Next time we meet a girl Iike her, we ought to flip a coin.

Who's coin?