All language subtitles for The.Bed.Sitting.Room.1969.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Wake up! Wake up!
Sergeant, wake that man up.

Constable, liven that man
up with your truncheon.

Get his feet moving!

Remember, you're electricity
man to the whole nation.

Rubber? Rubber?

(KNOCKlNG)

Eh?

(MUTTERlNG)

(KNOCKlNG)

Yes. Coming, coming, coming!

Good evening. I mean
that most sincerely.

- I am the BBC, as you can see.
- Oh!

And here was the last news.

On this, the third, or is
it the fourth anniversary

of the nuclear misunderstanding

which led to the Third
World War, here is the...

Oh, sod!

Here is the...

of the Third World War, here
is the last recorded statement

of the Prime Minister,
as he then was,

who had just succeeded
his illustrious father into office.

"I feel I am not boasting
when I remind you that this was,

"without a shadow of a doubt, the
very shortest war in living memory.

"Two minutes, 28 seconds, up
to and including the grave process

"of signing the peace
treaty fully blotted.

"The great task of
burying our 40 million dead

"was also carried out with
great expediency and good will.

"You know this great country of
ours often sticks in the mud of past,

"searches out and holds up to
the light the mistakes of past times."

That man! Damn
him! Haig the Butcher.

I shall tell the
world. Look at that!

Another chap
butchered. Oh, the horror!

Oh, the horror! I can't look!

"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism

"and death east of Suez.

"But I am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"

The Prime Minister
had, as you all know,

just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference

and was greeted on the steps
of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.

The Chairman has
invited me kindly in.

I can't say very
much at the moment,

but there will be some pretty
hard bargaining, you may be sure.

That's all. Thank you very
much, gentlemen, thank you.

Ah, Lord Fortnum.
BBC Television.

Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,

I like your hat, I do.

Do you? Do you say that?

I tell you, it's the
latest early warning hat.

It gives you that extra
four minutes in bed.

I never wore a hat in bed, I've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,

and I wouldn't know where
to begin. Is this your car, sir?

It is, I acquired it
from Lord Snowdon.

- Not the Lord Snowdon?
- No, a Lord Snowdon.

Ah, yes, the woods are
full of them. Goodbye, sir.

Said that very well, didn't he?

The Prime Minister...

The Prime Minister
is coming out.

- Prime Minister, can you say...
- Yes, I can say.

I can say without any
fear of contradiction,

after some pretty tough
bargaining, I can say,

we have finally fixed the rent of
Number 10 at an undisclosed figure

of 100 yen pounds per week.

This lease means
peace in our time.

(MlSSlLES HlSSlNG)

(LOUD EXPLOSlON)

That, I'm afraid, was
the end of the news.

Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,

when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope

for the Sportsman
of the Year title.

Until then, all walk backwards into
long shot while good night is given.

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

(GROWLlNG)

♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

♪ Long live Mrs. Ethel Shroake

♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

♪ Of 393A High
Street, Leytonstone ♪

Good night.

Here! Here!

Come out of that television
set. It's our turn for the telly news.

- Oh, is it?
- Are you the District Visiting Announcer?

Yes, that's right. Have
you any requests?

Can you do the
fall of Singapore?

Oh, yes, certainly.

Tonight, Japanese invasion
forces reached Singapore.

Oh, dear!

- Ah!
- I didn't quite catch the name.

Are you a doctor, Doctor?

- I advertise.
- No boots. I don't wear them.

And I don't travel in them.

Don't be sharp
with me, young man.

My card.

"Kennington and
District Steam Laundry."

Oh, I am pleased to meet you.

Oh, no, that's not me. I've
let the space for advertising.

I am other side, Lord
Fortnum of Alamein,

I acquired the title
from a soldier person

who found himself on hard times.

With psychiatry or army surplus?

I think he had to
do with all of that.

And table lamps were
negotiable. We all got one.

I don't require surgery.

I shall decide
that, Lord Fortnum.

Now, do you want it privately
or on the National Health?

- Yes.
- What?

Yes, I want it privately,
on the National Health.

Ah! You're home
early tonight, Father.

- The last bar on the Circle Line.
- Oh!

I think I'll have a smoke.

One of these days,
you'll not come back.

Be brought back by the
health visitor, smoking.

You know, and yet you persist,

you know that I don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.

She doesn't get enough
exercise on the whole.

After all, it's been..
. How long's it been?

It's been since... Dear?

That, since the.
.. Since, well...

Still, we've managed very well.

I expect it's the choccy bars.

I like my women chubby built.

I think she smokes to try
to keep her weight down.

Oh, I wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line

she could perhaps smoke with.

It'll be a damn fast habit,
Mother. Oh, she's always at it.

Ah, well...

Now, look here, there's a
limit to what I'll do, you know.

Is there? Well, let's go as
far as that, then, shall we?

Yes. Huh! Well,
it's not unpleasant

- when one gets used to it.
- Yes.

(CLEARlNG THROAT)
Well, you know,

you've been a bit off colour.

Yes, I have. And what's
more I'm not eating anything.

- Why is that?
- Well, I can't get the stuff.

Ah, but look, I had this
mounted, this very morning.

Eighteen carat Hovis.

Well, tell me about it, more.

Well, things were going
swimmingly until that...

Well, until they dropped
the, well now, you know...

- Oh, the old... (lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)
- That's the fellow.

Yes. Did the noise
keep you awake?

Oh, no, I slept through it all right. Yes.
In fact, when I was in England, still abed,

albeit in a club chair, the
Third World War took place.

(AlR RAlD SlREN BLARlNG)

I didn't get a chance
to join the regiment.

Neither did I. I
was standing by,

ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.

- Mmm.
- And I couldn't find them.

Tell me, do you know,
who was the enemy?

I haven't the least
idea. I thought, Doctor,

I thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.

Ah, yes. Well...

Take, um, 30 milligrams
of egg on toast.

You can get it made
up at any restaurant.

Oh, good! I'll have
it made up in Boots.

It's more hygienic in bottles.

Yes, yes, yes, but
will it cure me, huh?

My first impulse
is to cut and run.

Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,

but Doctor, I, I..
. I feel it is more.

Lord Fortnum, we must
have a thorough look at you.

Uh, yes.

- Would you sit down again, please?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Inside and out. Feet up, please.

Oh, your skin is very white.

My parents were white.

Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um...

(lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)

That's the fellow. I've
had terrible morbid fears.

I think I may turn into
a bed sitting room.

(STAMMERlNG)

Ah! Ah, that's probably
atomic mutation.

- There's a lot of it about.
- What can I take for it?

- Three guineas?
- What?

Take three guineas,
for your rent?

Rent! I don't want rent, I want to be
cured, I demand a second opinion.

Yes, well, that is your
privilege, of course.

But I can tell you that there's no
evidence of dry rot or woodworm,

but keep well wrapped up and
try and keep out of overdrafts.

She gets later and later every
night, and sometimes morning.

Well, perhaps she's
had more than one.

She's had time for half
a dozen, if you ask me.

I'm going to get her.

Oh, Father, don't
leave me at night.

It is bleedin' night, isn't it?

(SCREAMlNG)

(ENGlNE ROARlNG)

(PENELOPE PANTlNG)

(PENELOPE LAUGHlNG)

God, what's this?

A likely story!

Those are not my
daughter's little hairs.

Out you come.

There's a simple
explanation, sir.

Yes. And I'm going
to give it to you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ah! What class of person are
you? I am top drawer, to put it mildly.

You, I expect, are from the guttering.
But I don't believe it, about my turning,

no.

(TRAlN ENGlNE CHUGGlNG)

Well, what can I say?

- Say?
- Say sorry.

Sorry?

Sorry.

That's not nearly enough
enough, under the circumstances.

Actually, sir, I'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.

- That's nice.
- Forwards and backwards.

FATHER: How dare you!

- Does it get boring?
- How really dare you say such things?

And do them!

Well, I'd be interested in joining your party,
I'm sure you can use another pair of hands.

You keep your filthy
commuter hands to yourself.

Down the seams of your
trousers, where I can see them.

She'll need a nurse.

Mmm.

Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?

Want, want?

Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?

You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.

Do you want a potty?

I want no such thing.
I want an opinion.

Well, in my opinion...

In my opinion, you
need re-pointing.

But that's only putting
off the evil hour.

What you really need, you see, is a
full-scale conversion to maisonette.

- It's true, then?
- Oh, I expect it is.

Still, try not to worry,
love. It's a simple op.

And the Council will give
you a grant for your bathroom.

You don't realise, do you,
I don't want a bathroom.

Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.

My God, I've dropped a brick!

Come along, Mother.

Must we go, Dad?

I felt safe in there.

Nothing to worry about.

Where are we going?

I say that. I'm the
leader of the new world.

Where we're going, up is
where we're going, young man.

And don't you forget it.

I say, sir, you can't do
that. That's public property.

That's all right. I am a
member of the public.

(CRASHlNG)

Public member.

At last! At last they've
come to collect me.

- How long have you been...?
- Three years.

Three years?

Collect me, collect me.

I've been here dead since
imminent warning red.

I'm afraid there's
far too much to pay.

My friend will pay.
If you can find him.

There are no friends left.

Roger, is this your trunk?

Me? My name's
not Roger, it's Alan.

Roger's name is not on the lid.

It'll cost you 25 shillings.

Oh, I'm afraid I
haven't any money, sir.

I shall lend you some.

Take something useful.

Help me on.

(BANGlNG)

MOTHER: Oh! This
is nice and warm.

Oh, dear me!

I'm afraid I'm three shillings short,
sir, I shall have to owe it to you.

Come along.

What are you doing
with that trunk?

What? We've got
to have luggage, girl.

Can't be arrested as vagrants.

Go on.

You've got the tickets, dear.

I hear a rumour, sir,

the Pope's now allowing
contraceptives for all occasions.

Except during
sexual intercourse.

You'd better get your hair cut.

(CHUCKLES)

That's enough of that
talk. Keep talk out of it!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

You all right?

(DONKEY BRAYlNG)

Look here, look here. Can't
you get more horsepower?

Keep moving. Keep moving,
sir. You're safer on the move.

What?

I shan't, I shall not keep
asking you to keep moving, sir.

You will not? You'll do your duty, young
man. I wish to speak to your superior,

I expect to turn into a bed
sitting room very shortly.

I think you'd better
speak to me, sir.

In which particular, I shall
be obliged to stop somewhere,

preferably a street.

You can't stop here, sir.

Oh, well, where can I stop?

You can't stop anywhere,
sir, as you very well know.

We don't want to stay
in one place long enough

for the enemy to have another
chance at us, do we, sir?

Not until our pre-emptive
strike is launched, do we, sir?

Do we, sir?

Have we not struck
back? Has England not?

We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.

I expect we did, sir. But
these things take time.

You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?

Oh, my God! Sorry, sir.

Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until I'd turned into a bed sitting room.

And you are not that?

Not yet fully, damn you, man!

Do I, do I... Do I look
like a bed sitting room?

It's not for me to say, sir.

But should you stop, you're
liable to be knocked down

without the option.

Well, I...

I don't want to turn
into a bed sitting room.

(STUTTERlNG) I don't.

You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.

I mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey, a
place where the takings are considerable,

but a bedsitter!

Three pounds ten a week. Never!

Carry on, Sergeant.

(COUGHlNG) Excuse me.

ELECTRONlC VOlCE:
Do you hear the frog?

(CROAKING)

Here's a turkey.

(GOBBLING)

In every way, I'm
getting better and better.

Every day, in every...

(HORSE NElGHlNG)

- Hello, hello?
- MAN: Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?

No. I've still got
it in me hand.

Hello, hello. Have
they dropped it?

- Hello, up there.
- It's coming from...

Hello, hello!

You stupid...

Hello. I can hear you down
here. Can you hear me up there?

Every day, in every way,
I'm getting better and better.

Every day and every...

She's got big busts, hasn't
she? For a girl her age, hmm?

- What?
- ALAN: Yeah, what?

That left bust,
especially seems to,

the nipple seems to
stand out more on that one.

(CHUCKLlNG) Yes.

Mmm. Father's very
observant. He was in the Corps.

I wish he wouldn't talk
about me in front of Alan.

He doesn't want to
know about my busts.

No, I do, I do.

Shall we stop here for tea?

I hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?

- No, not a bit of it.
- Good.

Well, I expect you'd like a little dance
now. To relax you, the both of you.

I'm glad it's all
over. The, um...

Do you know, Mother, so am I.

Just like I was glad
when I married you.

(CHUCKLES)

Got it all over.

If I'd known the end was
such a relief. if only I...

I used to say, "For Christ's
sake, drop it," didn't I?

Only when you were very tired.

(CHUCKLlNG)

FATHER: He's not a bad lad.

Now, there you
are, what did I say?

- Did you hear what I said, lad?
- He said you were not a bad lad.

There!

Oh, thank you.

- One of the family now.
- There.

I want you to treat me
just as if I was your father.

(SCREAMlNG)

I hated my father!

No. Right. Ahhh!

Well, haven't you got a favourite
uncle you were fond of, young Alan?

Yes.

Well, treat me like him, then.

(GROANS)

Uncle, can I have sixpence
for sweeties, please?

Of course you may.

What a good, polite boy you are!

(CHUCKLES)

Radiation's rising.

Still, one mustn't
grumble too much.

(CLlNKlNG TWlCE)

(CLlNKlNG THRlCE)

- Hello?
- MAN: Hello, have they dropped it yet?

- Hey?
- Hello?

- What?
- Have they dropped it yet, boy?

- Where are you?
- In by here.

- Hmm?
- In by here.

(GRUNTlNG)

I'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.

I'll soon have you
seated and governed.

Fancy seeing you down here.

- Who are you?
- First of all,

have they dropped
it yet, indeed?

Have they dropped what?

You know, the... You're bound to
know. You're up there, weren't you?

Still, towards the end it got all
mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.

There's a fellow for you, LBJ. I
was proud to regionally serve him.

(LAUGHlNG) Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.

Harrods laid all this
on, you know. Harrods!

- They're very good at that.
- Yes.

I expect I talk too much.
Don't listen. I don't listen.

Thank God I've kept my
head, when all about are...

Have they?

Some good people
have gone, you know.

- Oh, yes.
- I shot two myself.

I had to. They came at me. They
tried to get in with the man from Harrods.

In gas masks, they
were, trying to get in.

So I shot them. I said, "Take those
gas masks off your face," I said.

I had to. They might have been
some of my directors, you see.

Who? Who did you shoot?

My mother and my
wife. Shot them dead.

- Oh.
- Of course, I married again.

Don't mind me, I talk too much.

(CHUCKLES)

- Doris. Doris.
- Hmm?

I'm very much in love. Of
course, it led to marriage.

(CHUCKLlNG) She
doesn't seem to mind.

Are you hungry?

- No.
- That's a damn lie!

Don't you shout at me,
I'm a medical practitioner.

(EXCLAlMlNG) Hey!

I have the proof.
The terrible proof.

There!

Fresh evidence has come to
life as to who is responsible.

Will you have a bite with us?

I will, I will, I
will. In that order.

Mmm.

Where are we?

(CHUCKLlNG) Are
you all forgotten?

Paddington.

(CHUCKLlNG) Don't
you know your London?

Shall I carve?

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

(COUGHS)

It's family life
that's important.

Do you have a family, young man?

No. My big brother did.

Didn't you have a Daddy
and a Mummy, then?

No. My brother had them.

That's a bit unfair. You
could've had one each.

MOTHER: I'm sorry to have to rest,
Dad, but my legs feel like lumps of wood.

(GRUNTlNG)

LORD FORTNUM: Well, thank goodness
I caught you on your rounds, Doctor.

What are you going
to do for me? What?

Mmm.

Take, um,

six of these pills.
One every half mile.

Oh, but I can't do that,
I only live a mile away.

This is Hyde Park, isn't it?

Yes. Well, then you'll have
to move further out, I'm afraid.

No. I'll tell you what, I'll
take the long road home.

That's the ticket. Splendid!

I don't know what
to say to you, Doctor.

Say, "Doctor, how
much will that be?"

Doctor, how much will that be?

That'll be 18 post-war guineas,

marked down to three and
six in the last bargain budget.

Oi, here!

Will you excuse me?

Are you Captain Bules Martin?

Yes.

Just sign there, sir, on
that line. Here we are.

Thank you.

- Ah! Luncheon.
- Ah, would you care to join me?

Yes, certainly, certainly.

If this is Regent's
Park, then...

Marble Arch must
lie to the south.

Dad!

What I have here, sir, is
your wife's death certificate.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, dear!

There! Well, it was
a lovely way to go.

But Mummy's alive!

I'm afraid not, dear.

(SHUDDERS)

It makes me feel
all funny to read it.

No!

No! Tell them no, Alan.

- No!
- Pull yourself together!

I am together. We are!

I want you to call me Arthur and
come to me for every little plaster.

But Mum's alive!

Well, I thought I was,
dear. By rights, I should be,

but how can you tell if it's
here in black and white?

Give it to me.

I shouldn't, should I, Dad?
It'll only upset her to read it.

Give it to me, dear. I'll put it
somewhere safe with all the others.

With the health cards.

Look, Mrs. Frereton, there
is nothing wrong with you.

Now then, you're
a nice, kind boy.

It's your wife being alive that
seems to be all the trouble, sir.

- I'm sorry.
- Ah.

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't
want to cause any trouble.

Oh, now listen, Mum...

Penny!

Don't argue with
the nurse, dear.

She's bound to know
best, what's best for us.

Do I lie down or anything?

The way, the way I'd
like you to look at it is this.

You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.

I expect you've got the set now, if
you haven't been careless with them.

I do hope we haven't been
careless with our papers,

birth, marriage, death...

- And school.
- Ah!

Mum got her school.

Father, can you let me see
them all before you send them off?

I would just like to, to
hold them all together,

look through them.

(SNlFFLlNG)

Not much, is it?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

And we've all been so
much happier since that...

Oh, well, at least I
can still keep cheerful.

That's the style, Mum.

That's the hammer.

Forward.

LORD FORTNUM: Hello!

My dear God, gas metres!

I can hear them shilling in the
slot. Gas metres on a lord's legs.

Belgravia! I must find
Belgravia before I turn.

For all I know, I may even
now be in the provinces.

Will someone kindly set me on the
right road to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!

My freehold for a guide!

(MARTlN BURPS)

MARTlN: Ah, what a lovely
evening. Splendid meal.

SHELTER MAN: Yes, care
for an after-dinner drink?

Well, thank you very much, yes.

No. Here, let me have a try.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Cheers!

What were you doing
before this, then?

I was in the army,
actually. I'm a Captain.

Oh, I say! What regiment?

Oh, we didn't know, due
to the Official Secrets Act.

But from what I can make of my cap
badge, it was the Household Cavalry.

Did you have to
be a householder?

(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, good lord, no,
no! No. It did help for a commission.

No, the household
that we're referring to

is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.

Did you? They're splendid!

(SlGHlNG) All destroyed, of
course, when they dropped the...

Oh!

♪ God save our gracious Queen

♪ Long live our noble Queen

♪ God save our Queen... ♪

No, no, no! We don't
sing that any longer.

- You don't?
- No, we sing now that

God should save Mrs. Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.

Oh.

Of the twenty people who are
known to be left alive in England,

she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

- Mmm.
- I say!

You're lucky to be still connected,
huh? Bit of luck to have the phone.

I've only got the bells, boy. Drive
me mad, they do, they drive me mad!

Aye.

Hey, is that the authorities?

Hey! Hey! Keep moving!

No building whatever!
Keep moving!

No building whatever!
Keep moving! Keep moving!

I have the proof!
I have the proof!

Look! The proof of
germ warfare, boy.

They dip the weapons in germs, you
see. They dip the weapons in the germs.

And then if they
survive the, you know...

(CHUCKLlNG) if you survive that,
you see, you go down with the measles.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Uh, excuse me, madam.

Uh, which one of you
ordered a business telephone?

- Both of me.
- Huh?

At last, at last, I shall convince the
world with my documentary voice!

No, this is a...

Hello, folks of world!
Hello, hello, folks of world!

This is a... It's only a
demonstration model.

But this is the type
you'll be getting, madam.

Just let me have the
borrowing of it, will you, please?

- The bells are driving me mad, you see.
- Don't worry, sir.

Don't worry. As soon as
the telephone's installed,

we rip the bells out.

Let me have it! Let me have it!

Madam!

Hello, hello, hello!

It's for you.

Oh.

- Hello?
- Colour? I'll show you in bloody colour.

- What's he talking about, chum?
- Colour!

The dirty... sod
! That's naughty.

Bules Martin,
Captain and Doctor.

Oh, just a moment!

Hello, darling. What are
you doing this evening?

(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, are you?

Well, let me have a
photograph of it, won't you?

Oh, give him my regards.

Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.

Ah, Gregory, have
you seen my Nigel?

(SlGHS)

Oh, it's getting late.
Time for my humiliation.

Now, what have I done with
my defeat of England medal?

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

Your Majesty, I'm
sorry that I failed you.

I tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,

but one of your corgis bit me.

Come on, Sergeant,
put your back into it.

I've got my back into it, sir.

Put your front into it, then!

Put your front
into it, Constable.

Come on now, sir, keep moving.

Hurry up! Don't stand
there and watch us.

We'll be moving, all right. Come
on, Iady. She who hesitates is lost.

(GRUNTS)

My first wife died, you know.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I got my certificate
the other day.

You don't want an
old woman like me.

You remind me of my first wife.

That's funny. You see, I
never met her, you see.

Will you do for me
what my first wife did?

Doris tries, but she
can't coordinate, you see.

Will you do it for me?

Well, so long as we get it over
quickly, before Daddy misses me.

Now, no, no, no!

See reason, Mildred! Mildred,
you're worse than your mother!

I didn't, Mildred, I haven't! She's
a common or garden secretary!

Mildred, please! I love you!

She means nothing
to me at all! Mildred!

I was kept late at the
office. Mildred, I love you!

Mildred, please, no!
The people next door!

Mildred, please!
Mildred, no! Mildred!

Mildred! Mildred, Mildred!

(PANTlNG) Oh! Oh!

Get out, you slut! Get
out and leave me alone!

That was my best dinner service.

Hello! Hello!

Doctor!

Hello!

Call the roll, Alan.

(COUGHlNG)

- Father figure!
- Present.

- Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
- Here.

Alan! Here!

Mother!

Mummy?

We're all here
except one, Mother.

That's all we ever
had, one Mother.

Mummy!

All right.

Now, when I say wave,
I want you all to wave.

Wave!

- Hello.
- Hello, young Alan.

- Hello, Penelope.
- Hello.

Mummy!

All right. That's enough.

Mummy!

I demand an explanation.

Oh! Much worse than I thought.

Oh! Mother!

Don't worry, Mother,
we'll look after you.

(GASPlNG)

(ENGlNE HUMMlNG)

One more stop, madam, and I shall
be forced to endorse your licence.

You wouldn't want us to use our
special powers, would you, madam?

I can't move. My legs are stiff.

(SOBBlNG)

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

- Hello?
- It is I.

- Who?
- Lord Fortnum. I've changed.

Lord Fortnum! And
you've changed?

Yes, I have.

Well, keep moving,
and where are you?

I'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.

Hurry, for God's sake, and bring
me some furniture, I'm freezing.

I shall come at once. Try
not to look conspicuous,

or you'll be knocked
down without the option.

(HANGS UP)

MOTHER: Oh!
Oh, you black fiend!

Get your hand out of
my drawers! I'm a mother!

Mummy!

Penny!

(TARZAN-LlKE YODELLlNG)

LORD FORTNUM: I'm over here.

So you are. I'd recognise
you anywhere, My Lord.

I must say it suits you.

LORD FORTNUM: Please
don't do that, I'm not well.

It's me. Captain Bules Martin.

And I'm your doctor.

Come in, Doctor. Did
you bring some furniture?

I say!

Is this you?

Yes, tell me the
worst. Where am I?

Yeah, you're number
29 Cul de Sac Place.

Yes, I know that,
but what borough?

Ah, that's pretty
bad news, I'm afraid.

- It's Paddington.
- Quick, put a card.

Put a card in the window.

No coloureds, no children and
definitely no coloured children.

MARTlN: Don't worry.

Doctor Bules Martin
looks like he's come to stay.

You're still under your doctor.

If everyone thought like you, this
world would be a much happier place.

Breathe in.

(LORD FORTNUM lNHALlNG) In...

- Out.
- (EXHALlNG) Out!

Yes.

How's your water?

It hasn't run
properly for years.

Oh well, we'll soon fix that. Have
you got a washer somewhere?

One, two, three, 12...

- Cough.
- (COUGHlNG)

- You married?
- No, not at the moment.

Well, I'd advise
against it. Against it.

(TRUMPET BLOWlNG)

Listen.

Harken.

Survivors of the Third
Gurkhas, quick march!

(CHANTlNG)

It's the Burma reunion.

And hot dinner.

The Cavalry cometh!

I must find the Albert Hall.

I shall be out till dawn.

No, don't wait up.
And don't take any rent.

That's got rid of him. Come on,
Abdul, let's get the furniture in.

(LAUGHlNG)

(SlGHlNG WlTH PLEASURE)

(MOANlNG)

Mummy!

Thank you, my dear.

As you chaps know, electricity
is the life blood of civilisation.

Without electricity, civilisation
as we know it could not survive.

So I intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle

until we've hit this
desolation for six

and won God's just victory
over the forces of evil.

(DEVlCE VlBRATlNG)

Hmm? Hmm?

(MOANlNG WlTH PLEASURE)

Mummy!

I'll look up here.

No...

(MAKlNG WHlRRlNG SOUND)

(CHUCKLlNG)

ALAN: Oi, you watching?

PENELOPE: Oh, please come down!

Okay, coming.

PENELOPE: Oh!

(YELPlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG)

I like it! I like it!

More! More! Oh!

What are you doing
with that? It's not raining.

Come on.

(SlGHS)

(DEVlCE STOPS)

Oh.

♪ Roll me over in the clover

(HUMMlNG)

♪ Do it again ♪

DlSTANT CHORUS:
♪ Roll me over... ♪

(EXCLAlMS HAPPlLY)

♪ On the road to Mandalay ♪

(PANTlNG)

(MOTHER CHUCKLlNG)

LORD FORTNUM: Who's there?
MOTHER: Oh, for pity's sake!

LORD FORTNUM: No
coloureds, damn you!

MOTHER: Have you not yet
finished with my poor bruised body?

LORD FORTNUM: Are
you that black man's woman?

MOTHER: That's hardly
likely, in my condition.

LORD FORTNUM: And
what is your condition?

MOTHER: I'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?

I'm Lord Fortnum of
Alamein. Who are you?

I'm Mrs. Frereton.

Well, madam, in view of
the ghastly circumstances

in which we both find ourselves,

I suggest we speak only when
spoken to and hold our tongues.

MOTHER: Very
well, if you think so.

Mummy!

Mummy! Mummy!

PENELOPE: Mummy!

Oh, let's sleep here for a bit. We
can look again when it's light, love.

I will say this for him,

I can't really say
anything for him,

except he is like a
sheet of white paper.

I haven't seen a sheet of white
paper for years I could draw a face on.

His poor suit!

Crumple-fashion little
stitches on the edges.

And I'll say this for him,

trendy boy.

You can say his
lapels are crumpled

and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.

And I'll say this for him.

He's always here.

Wherever his feet are, he is.

Toes are bent upwards,
but he's straight,

flat.

Stupid as the sun.

I will say this for him.

And he has got twirly hair.

But you do get the whole of him,

now, to stroke.

There's nobody else.

♪ Roll me over in the clover

♪ Roll me over, lay
me down and do it again

♪ When she's... ♪

(SlNGlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)

- All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
- That's, uh...

- 22 inches, sir.
- Carry on.

Thank you.

Head, 22 inches.

Ah, taking my measurements!

Chest, 22 inches.

That's right. That's the
hammer. Get it all down, eh!

Inside leg,

- 22 inches, sir.
- You're right.

Right, sir. We'll let you know.

Thank you very much, thank you.

Ah! There are my children!

Hello, Daddy!

You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.

My word! What a hairy trunk!

(CHUCKLlNG)

Keep moving.

You going to let me know, then?

Uh, who are you?

They are.

I must say, they seemed rather
impressed with my inside leg.

Excuse me, sir, but
it was a 22, wasn't it?

- Yes, I believe it was.
- I say!

Not many of them left, you know.

Like to shake you by the hand.

Yeah, I would, but
not until I've referred it

- to the Ministry of Health.
- Quite, quite.

Can't be too careful.

You in business, then?

- Hmm?
- Looking for a partner?

No, I am a partner.

Of course. Who is your partner?

I don't need one, I'm just
Partner and Company.

I say, uh, is that
your daughter?

I say, it is.
Chubby little thing.

- Well-built young girl.
- Thank you.

Been going on for some time?

- Eighteen months.
- Eight... lndeed, indeed!

(CLEARlNG THROAT)
Well, I'd like your permission to

call upon your daughter.

Often. Starting now.

No.

I'd like a bit more
off here, for courting.

Ah! Ah, yes,
that's much better.

I'm not one of your hippie types, you
know. Such as that never won fair lady.

- Anything else, sir?
- Mmm?

(BALLOON POPS)

But Daddy, I love Alan.

(CHUCKLlNG) Love?
Love is a four-letter word.

Come to that, so is bull.

Cat is a three-letter word.

(CHUCKLlNG) Right.

You're going to make
a famous son-in-law.

Been my ambition for years.

(CLEARlNG THROAT) Uh...

Now, look here, Mr Frereton!

You can't arrange this thing
over our heads, you know.

Can't I?

Captain Bules Martin is a man of
subsidence and property, if not more.

Moreover, he's a partner.

A very fitting son-in-law
for a future Prime Minister.

Who is?

I am.

You don't imagine they gathered
my measurements for nothing, do you?

Show me a 22 inside leg and I'll
show you a future Prime Minister.

It's a well-known fact.

I expect Mrs. Ethel Shroake

to consider my
credentials any day now.

That trunk of
yours, get rid of it.

This is not my trunk.

He tied his thumbs up with string
and exposed himself for a limited period

between Bagshot and Camberley.

Was that you, sir?

A post-war gesture, I suppose.

I hope you destroyed the string.

Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!

Clear out!

Naughty...!

(GRUNTS)

I love St Paul's, you know.

Dearly love us to
be married here.

Ah! Vicar!

May be requiring
your services soon.

My fiancée and I.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLlNG) I'm not surprised.

I wouldn't leave it too long, if I were
you. Chubby little thing, isn't she?

My patient, you know.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.

I can't go through with it.

What?

Having this monster.

Well, no one else
can have it, can they?

- Then it must be?
- It must be.

Well, I'll just slip into
an old wedding dress.

No, no, wait a minute, darling.

Go behind the screen.

Oh, really, darling, you've
watched a lady undress

before today, haven't you?

(CHUCKLlNG) Of course, darling.

I'll go behind the
screen with you.

I wish Mother could
have been alive to see it.

(SNlFFLlNG)

Uh, just a thought.

Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?

Three pounds one
shilling. Catholics extra.

No, no, we couldn't
afford the divorce just now.

She'll have to be
satisfied with the wedding.

Later on, of course, when I'm
earning, then we can get the annulment.

Uh, this is the
instant God kit, sir.

Good luck.

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

Alley-up there.

Would you join hands, please?

Good, good.

And now for a good book.

♪ Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper

♪ Took her into the potting shed

♪ And laid her upon the ground

♪ And with hands
quivering, he ripped... ♪

I say, look here,
that's not the Bible.

I know, it's Lady
Chatterley's Lover.

But if you prefer the old twit
version, I think I can still recall it.

♪ Do you, Bules Martin, take this
girl to be your lawful wedded wife?

♪ I was expecting you
to ask me that question

♪ As it so happens, I do

♪ And do you, Penelope, take this
lawful wedded man to be your husband?

I do.

♪ And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton

♪ To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health

♪ In trial and in ordeal
and in all that holy... ♪

(SQUEALlNG) I do!

I say, look here, there's
still some decency left.

Come on, darling,
let's get out of here.

Stop!

Haven't finished, have we?

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

On your mark, get set...

(FlRES)

Get out of my bedroom,
you Peeping Tom.

Ah! This ought to do the trick.

You've got two hours, mate.

- I won't need this, then, will I?
- No!

My God! When was
my last virility test?

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

Congratulations, Mrs. Martin.

I thought you'd never get here.

(CHUCKLlNG)

- Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
- Yes?

When did you first decide
to become a politician?

(SQUAWKS SOFTLY, WHlSTLES)

Did you get that?

I'm afraid I didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?

It began when I measured
my inside leg one day,

- as we all do.
- Mmm.

And I found that I was
very well-equipped.

(PENELOPE GlGGLlNG)

Good heavens! Penelope?

Hello, Daddy.

But you're promised to
Captain Bules Martin, you slut.

Come down at once.

I married him this
morning, Daddy.

So you did.

That's all right, then.

Carry on.

Wife sent you along, did she?

Well, it did occur to me that I
might review the circumstances.

Huh. You'll love it.

Yeah, I can't keep away.

You'll learn to love
your virility test.

I've always had
a very good wind.

Mmm, oh dear.

- Who's wrong?
- Well, my wife...

(CHUCKLlNG) She... Well...

Oh!

Best thing, uh, best thing to do
is talk dirty among yourselves.

Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.

(SNlCKERlNG SOFTLY)

(EXCLAlMS)

Is it?

- Is it?
- Due?

- Due?
- I knew it.

- Ooh!
- Should have kept my socks on.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Look, never mind, my love.

I'll nip downstairs and
get some boiling water.

Come. Come on down.

(SQUEAKlNG)

Come on, we'll just nip down.

- Oh.
- Oh.

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

(WHlSTLlNG)

Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll!

Ah, did you pass
your virility test, son?

I don't know. Hard to tell.

You see, lights fused
at the critical moment.

Where's my bride? She
should be able to tell.

Sit down, son. Your
bride is in labour.

Oh, God!

Daddy, I need a drink.

(CLlCKlNG TONGUE)

What'll you have, old boy?

I'll have a large, uh, water.

With water?

No, nothing with it.

- Here you are.
- Good. Thanks.

A pleasure.

Well, I think I'll wander
along to the saloon car, bar.

Well, here we are again.

Another one for you?
Pleasure, old friend.

Oh, I knew.

As soon as I grasped the
test-tube firmly in my right hand.

None of your cheek
and impotence.

Cheek?

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

- You'll like it, I think.
- Thank you.

Jolly good health.

(SlNGlNG)

Oh.

Evening.

We're looking for a man.

Are you indeed, lnspector?

There aren't many
of us left, you know.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

We're also looking
for a bed sitting room.

Aren't we all?

True. True.

We're on the trail of a
foul and grisly murder.

I say, isn't that the first,
uh, post-war murder?

Things are looking up
for you in popular fiction.

Yes, we've had a pretty
thin time of it recently.

Yes.

What with 40 million dead,

we haven't been able to
see the wood for the trees.

Yes, quite.

But this is murder, not glory.

How do you do?

(SQUAWKS)

We are also looking for a trunk, if the
lnspector doesn't mind me saying so.

And when we find it, we shall
know why we're looking for it.

(WHlSTLES)

ALAN: Penelope!

Penelope!

Penelope...

Relax, dearie.
She's doing very well.

Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.

Let me go! She needs me!

No.

What she has need
of is medical science.

(PENELOPE SCREAMlNG)

MOTHER: Father?

Oh! Are you that bloke what
ordered the Van Gogh painting?

I am, I am. Hang it up there.

I think it might do
better on the wall.

I wish you'd make
your bleeding mind up.

Is your name Frereton?

No. It's not.

Never!

- That is the man you want.
- Never!

Only it's, uh, it's his
turn to be Prime Minister.

I know. I know.

I always knew my inside
leg would lead to power.

Dear Martin... Bules,
give me a hand, will you?

And get rid of my old togs, which
I shall not need as Prime Minister.

(WHlSTLES)

(STRAlNlNG)

Martin, what about
down there, eh?

Huh?

(WATER SPLASHES)

Ah.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG)

MAN: Oh, fire, fire!

Fire!

- Did you say something?
- What? Me? No.

Fire!

All right, Sergeant, nip down and
see what that fire's about, would you?

I was just going to
do so, actually, sir.

Can't have fires around
this time of the year.

Very well put, sir.

Down you go, then, Sergeant.

Right. Could you lower
the balloon a little, sir?

- Doing me best.
- Thank you.

(GRUNTS) Oh, my bloody leg!

Never mind about
your bloody leg!

Look at me, I'm drifting
! Grab hold of the rope!

Grab hold of the rope,
Constable. Sir's drifting.

Sir's more than
drifting! Sir's away!

LNSPECTOR: Grab the anchor!

I didn't join the force just to
drift aimlessly into the void!

Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll
soon have you out of trouble!

Grab the anchor!

I've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control!

Oh, my God! Pull
me down, Sergeant!

I will, sir!

Use your weight and
gravity. I'll come and help you!

I haven't got much
gravity left, sir!

LNSPECTOR: What a lovely
dome that is. Wren, isn't it?

No, it's not rain, sir.
It looks a bit cloudy,

but I don't think we're
in for any rain. Sorry, sir.

Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?

(PENELOPE GRUNTS)

We have this new system.

Instead of moving the baby
out, we move the furniture in.

(PENELOPE GRUNTS)

Excuse me.

What are you doing to my Penny?

We should all ask ourselves,

is it really necessary for people
to leave the womb nowadays?

That's when most of the trouble
seems to start in this wicked world.

(PENELOPE GROANlNG)

My God, it's monstrous!

It may well be, but you must be
prepared to love your monster.

Oh, we have some
medicated wallpaper here.

Perhaps you'd like to chose
a pattern to suit your womb.

(HlGH-PlTCHED SQUEALlNG)

Ah.

Then, in come the three
bears. And Daddy Bear said,

"Who's been sleeping
in my porridge?"

And the Mama Bear said,

"That's no porridge.
That was my wife."

Waste of time telling
bleeding chinks...

There were three pandas, see?

Ah!

Sergeant!

Sir!

Quick, man, they're
coming over the wire.

Where, sir? I can see
no one whatever, sir.

Put these glasses to
your eyes, you idiot!

No, sir. Duff information, sir.

I can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.

- No sign of the enemy, sir.
- Here.

(EXCLAlMS)

Are you the bloke, uh, officer,

what was in charge of the nuclear
detergent in the last atomic war?

I am he.

Bad news. It has been
returned to sender.

And there's three and nine
to pay on it in Chinese dollars.

- Good heavens! We got a reply.
- I can't help that, mate.

You didn't reckon with the
chinky-poo post office, did you?

- Well, it's a bit late now.
- Yes.

Sixty-five million pounds it
cost to develop that bomb.

Pity about the three and nine.

We could have won, you
know. Damnable bad luck!

(HlGH-PlTCHED SQUEALlNG)

Dad will get a nice surprise.

- Dad!
- PARROT: Dad!

- Daddy?
- PARROT: Daddy?

- Dad?
- PARROT: Dad?

Sorry we're late home, Dad.

I had the baby.

Don't you think he
looks a bit like you, sir?

(HlGH-PlTCHED CRYlNG)

(YAWNS)

It's been a long day.

Oh.

Good night.

MOTHER: (GASPS) Rape!

LORD FORTNUM: Damn it, I
can hold my tongue no longer!

- What?
- How dare you, adulterer!

How dare you take advantage
of our feathered friend!

- Mummy!
- MOTHER: I'm so ashamed.

MOTHER: Compromised
internally in front of my own daughter.

Close my doors at once.

- Can't we go into this in the morning? I'm all...
- Daddy, it's Mummy.

MOTHER: Very well,
Captain. But be gentle with me.

(CHUCKLES) Nighty-night.

Night-night, Mum.

MOTHER: Good night, dear.

Uh, good night, Dad.

MARTlN: No.

Nothing edible here.

You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,

woodworms have
become quite extinct.

Oh, really?

Very strange.

Perhaps it wasn't the Russians
and Americans who dropped it, then.

Perhaps it was Rentokil.

(CLANGlNG)

Dinner is served, Daddy-o.

Well...

Well, I don't know who
he is, but he's just in time.

Well. Sit you down.

What? What is it,
darling? Chicken?

No, it's Daddy.

Oh. Well, never mind.
Don't take it too hard.

We'll let his perch to another
bird, if we can find one.

Be gentle, Bules.

How did this terrible
thing happen?

After his career in politics,

he said he wanted his
body to be left to science.

Then he threw
himself off his perch.

(SNlFFlNG)

Eh?

Here, what's that silly thing?

It's her father.

Father, eh? Ooh!
This'll mean a by-election.

Oh dear Lord!

(EXCLAlMS)

Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.

(GAGGlNG)

Oh.

I am moving.

(BARKS)

(WlND-UP SlREN STARTS)

Gas masks on!

Gas masks on! Hurry up.

Atomic bomb, radiation
rising! Hurry up!

Radiation rising. Masks on!

All your masks on!

My word, it's a good job
the Minister of Defence

had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.

Mind you, I was thinking. I don't think
the human face fits the modern need.

- You don't?
- No.

If I had my way in the
hurly-burly of post-atomic living,

I'd have a bloke's
mouth on top of his nut.

You see, then when
he's late for work

all he has to do is slide
his breakfast under his hat

and eat it on the
way to the office.

Huh?

Do you think we've
come to the end of it all?

(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.

Nah.

(SlREN STARTS)

MATE: Get your masks
on! Get your masks on!

Get your masks on! Atomic bomb!

Oh, please, God, not again.

(COUGHlNG)

Bloody fog.

What's to become of us now?

Well, we'll just
have to keep going.

What for?

Because we're British.

British?

Well, what a lot of use that is. We
don't even know who's won the war.

We've run out of food. No
medicine. We're eating our parents.

British!

(BABY SQUEALlNG)

MATE: And another
thing. if I had my way,

I'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.

MARTlN: He'd wear
a glove, of course?

MATE: Oh, yes! You don't
want the frost to get at it, eh?

And you think how handy it
would be in them non-corridor trains.

He could waggle it out the
window then, couldn't he?

Where would you put
a woman's equivalent?

Well, I'd... I'd have that up
here on her shoulder. See?

- Oh?
- Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.

Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?

No! lt'd be easier
for her to kneel down.

Oh no, it wouldn't work.
Out of the question!

- How do you mean?
- Picture to yourself.

Crowded train, a young man gets up
to give his seat to a young, pretty girl.

She doesn't notice
at first, and then...

"Excuse me, miss." Ah?

(LAUGHlNG)

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Oh dear, indeed.

That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

(MARTlN AND MATE LAUGHlNG)

isn't it looking
a bit off to you?

Well, take him inside, then.

No-poking compartment.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Ah, let's get in now,
dear. Blowing up foggy.

Here, here, here. Come here.

Turn round, darling.

What?

Pardon... Pardon me, miss.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

(COUGHlNG)

Rubber?

Please go away.

It's rubber.

It's rubber! Rubber!

Gas.

This is a killer fog, all
right. Just like the old days.

Eh? isn't it, eh?

Hey! You'll enjoy this. It was
horrible how they were gassed.

(COUGHlNG)

Oh!

My baby!

My poor baby!

It's dead!

Now, look, darling, we all
know that Rupert was thing.

It was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and I.

It was the only thing I ever
cared for in the whole world.

Well, never mind, darling, we
might someday make another.

What a shame. What a shame.

Here. Here, darling, I'll drink that
silly, silly bottle of milk up for you.

MARTlN: That's right.

Hey! Look! He's
already got the hang of it.

Look, darling, why don't
we adopt this one? Mmm?

Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?

Diddles want his rattle?

Piss off!

Listen, darling, his
first words. "Piss off!"

Piss off.

Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.

Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.

(COUGHlNG)

(BARKlNG)

PLASTlC MAC MAN:
The rubber! The rubber!

It is the end of us, my friends!

(LAUGHlNG)

Oh, yes! The end,
my friends, is in sight!

I carried little Rupert inside me for 17 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.

Yes, my friend, rubber.
It is the end of us!

Stretch and repent!

It's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.

Run, brothers, run!

The rubber will get
you wherever you hide!

The rubber is come.

Stretch, brothers, and repent!

We've provoked the
hand and the foot,

and the elbow, and the
knees, and the teeth of God!

- Right, Sergeant.
- Stand by, men.

(BARKlNG)

That's why he dropped the bomb.

The bomb?

(STUTTERlNG) The bomb!

- The bomb.
- The bomb?

The bomb!

(CRASHlNG)

(ALL SHOUTlNG)

Stop!

Dear God!

That's the fellow!

Stretch and repent
all your wicked ways!

Follow me and ye shall be saved!

Run, brothers, run!

We can all stretch and repent!

LORD FORTNUM: Stop! Stop!
Stop in the name of the Lord!

Here, it's God! It's God.
He's come back on us.

Good old God, mate.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

He's a Socialist, you know.

LORD FORTNUM:
Quiet, Labour scum!

What?

He's... He's a
bleeding Conservative.

Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,

you sound like Lord Fortnum.

LORD FORTNUM: I
also do impressions.

Save us, Lord God, from the
dreadful death by radiation.

Save us, oh, God,

from the temptations and
perversions of the rubber.

Save me and I'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.

God, give me back my baby.

LORD FORTNUM: (STAMMERlNG)
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed!

In the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.

Good, now well, um...

That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.

What? What? Lies!

LNSPECTOR:
Captain Bules Martin!

That's God, I
recognise the voice.

A large brown substance
has come to our attention.

Bules, darling! Say something!

My God, Nigel! And alive!

You left me on a
left luggage rack.

There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.

But apart from that, there are
no further charges against you.

Provided that you have the immediate
funds about your person, that is.

It is.

Is it?

- Another.
- Due?

I knew there was something in
there. I'm going to be another mummy.

I expect you may be wondering why
I've invited you all here this afternoon.

I've just come from an
audience with Her Majesty,

Mrs. Ethel Shroake.

And I'm empowered by her
to tell you that in the future,

clouds of poisonous nuclear
fog will no longer be necessary.

Mutations will cease sine die.

And furthermore, I'm
the bringer of glad tidings.

A team of surgeons at
the Woolwich Hospital

have just accomplished the world's
first successful complete body transplant.

The donor was the entire
population of South Wales

and the new body is
functioning normally.

I myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.

All in all, I think we're in for a time
of peace, prosperity and stability,

when the earth will burgeon forth
anew, the lion will lie down with the lamb,

and the goat give
suck to the tiny bee.

At times of great
national emergency,

you'll often find that a new
leader tends to emerge.

Here I am. So watch it.

Keep moving,
everybody. That's the spirit.

Keep moving!

Come on, Sergeant.

Come on. Come on,
Sarge. Come on, then.

Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.

This is BBC Television. I
have great news for the country.

Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.

(lNAUDlBLE)

♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

♪ Long Iive Mrs. Ethel Shroake

♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

♪ Of 393A High
Street, Leytonstone ♪

THE BBC: Good night.