Original subtitles

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when I made love to him I dwell in the

mystery of our

Oneness it was a feeling so

spiritual it was as though I should

remove my shoes in the presence of the

Holy with my

lips I'd trace my name upon his

skin and I'd find God there with my

heart pressed against his chest his

breath breathing life into my soul I

could live

again I'd see my lover

there and no longer was it that I want

him need him or loved him but

that I was

him this was Chris my mission Companion

5 years ago we were separated at after

it was discovered that we were slightly

more than just Mission

companions I was immediately sent home

and Chris was allowed to stay in

Clackamus Falls but we kept in touch and

after his mission we went on a trip

across

America we had the time of our lives for

a few months we weren't Elder Smith and

Elder Merill we had no obligations and

no pressure from our families or the

church we were just Chris and RJ on our

own and loving every minute of

it after some time we faced the reality

that we would eventually have to go home

I drove into Salt Lake Chris's Hometown

we agreed to take care of our respective

loose ends and he talked about

transferring to Boise State with me we

kissed and said

goodbye and I went home to Idaho Falls I

never saw him

again I sent letters I'd call

and

nothing if only I knew what happened to

him then maybe I'd have some

closure these days I live in

Seattle I'm neither Mormon nor

Gentile I was never forly

excommunicated I just stopped

associating myself with the church at

all but I still wear my temple garments

I still have a food store storage and I

still have a deep love for our heavenly

father so from what you've been telling

me you've been working hard to stay

focused and maintain your standing in

the church yes

sir 6 months ago I was intimate with my

mission companion even though I knew it

was wrong

do you still think that you're in a

phase of samex

Attraction I am much stronger

now would you like to continue your

service to your church yes I would more

than

anything as I said before our our

heavenly father doesn't present to us

any Temptation that we do not have the

power to

overcome it's a choice that we make to

act in virtue or to give into

temptation considering your humility and

desire to do the right

thing I see no need for disciplinary

action thank

you thank

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you the

fence through the side

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was a Cofe guy laid down on the

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dir it is an honor to witness two young

people so deeply in love and so

dedicated to the church and our heavenly

father marriage is for

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eternity it is a Love That Will Last in

this

life and the

next your

dedication to the church and to this

family has brought you here

you've been given a second

chance

and I

know that you have the

courage and the strength to stay on the

right track this

time I love you

son I love you too now what do you see

we get back in there and join what's

left of the party

I'm so sorry Dad I'm so sorry for

everything oh

Chris you've done the right

thing all right yeah I am I'm so proud

of

you you're okay yes sir I'm fine yeah

I'm going to go join the party I'm going

take a

minute you come in when you're ready yes

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sir

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shin it's just a

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mountain I'm in your church

[Applause]

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okay I'm I'm going to be late you're

going to make me

late you know I have somewhere else to

be

too I know

I have a meeting in like 30 minutes

M

and I gotta

go you know I wrestled in high school

and in

college okay okay

now you shouldn't eat that crab why

not loaded with sugar I like sugar

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want

some

no you know I'm nervous about

tonight don't bring it are you sure

they're ready for

this

no I think it's time they met us

mhm I got to go

bye imagine it's kind of a classy beer

fist okay it's not your

typical and there he

is

Tom I

there's two

more sorry okay so now that we're all

here I want to talk about the beer fest

article hey

Rodney oh hi how are

you I'm sorry to hear that is everything

all right

here sweetie pie you want a grey GRE me

no um you want some chicken it's really

good it's like amazingly good you're

going to love

it was calling

me I don't know I'm sorry it's

okay do you want one of mom scens no

no

hello speaking

Mama yes ma'am how are

you oh

no did I ever tell you much about

Rodney a

little I met him on my mission with my

mission campain in

Chris he was a a veteran of

Iraq he had PTSD so he was a shut

in we tried so hard to convert him

but we'd always just end up hanging out

at his house smoking

pot he was always so accepting of ch

yeah he did talk about

him you going to the service yeah I

think so it's good

sorry I'm late long waiting oh just

about 20

minutes

sorry uh Mom Dad this is

Paul such a pleasure to finally meet you

it's nice to meet you

Paul so nice to meet you nice to meet

you

too so how is the flight

bumpy recip party yes we did can I get

you some

drinks uh I'll just have water uh I'll

have a Diet Coke okay I'll be right back

thanks Diet

Coke

yeah so uh Mr and Mrs Smith how long are

you in town just through Sunday evening

we're just here for the weekend we don't

want to be in the way Dad you're not in

the way

well I don't know we never hear from you

Tom no I'm not trying to start anything

I'm just saying I wish I heard from my

son more I miss him Maryann calls at

least once a week okay well I'll check

in more that would be

nice so Paul what do you do I'm a

personal trainer oh well that's nice

Paul's working on his NBA right now

really I keep telling R.J he should go

for his Masters I know I say the same

thing all right all right maybe at some

point but um not right now well R how is

work going it's good yeah um I'm not

freelancing anymore so I have a I'm in

the office a lot but other than that

nothing too

exciting how's the shop

Dad it's good actually going well can't

complain you know uh Mr Smith my

father's actually a

mechanic really yeah he works primarily

on Swedish

automobiles well they're really

well-made cars yeah

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thank

you Gloria yes I'm RJ oh it's so nice to

finally meet you I'm so glad you could

come I wouldn't have miss it for

anything well you know he didn't know

many people here and I didn't get to see

him very often so well it's especially

nice to get to meet two of his good

friends it's nice to meet you too thank

you

Rodney was a complex

man and through the hardships that life

threw at him he had this amazing ability

to make us laugh

some of you may not know this about

Rodney but he was a religious man though

he may not have considered himself to be

so though he eluded the doctrines of

Faith he embodied their

Essence and as a lifelong Seeker he had

an amazing ability to help people find

their

way there is a heaven

and Rodney is

there

amen I'm so sorry for your

loss thank you

thank you

MH

RJ I almost forgot to give you this he

was going to mail it to you thank

you you keep in touch now I will I'm

really sorry for your loss I'm really

going to miss him oh I am

too you take care now here I will don't

open I'm not

here

Chris

Chris

yeah how are

you yeah

um look could we go somewhere and

talk what do you want to talk about I

thought maybe we could catch

up for

hey

hey what a

day

yeah did you get to speak to him to

Rodney yeah um or no not really he and I

spoke a few times after I finished my

mission

but after that we just lost touch

so how did you talk to him it had been a

few months but uh yeah I was actually

able to see him good a few times

good I just can't believe he's

gone wish I had a chance to say goodbye

he had nothing but fond memories of

you that's good to hear

this is surreal isn't

it

yes sitting here with you is very

surreal how long has it been five years

five

years you do that I did I did but I

didn't I don't know if it was like a few

months more or less

i' yeah

so what's your life like

now I'm happily married um I live in

Salt Lake and I have a little girl she's

almost 3 years old I can't believe that

um and I work in pharmaceutical sales

so life's pretty

good you're married yeah no she's

amazing she's like an

angel I don't have a picture to show you

but

she's

incredible no I'm happy for you thank

you what about

you uh I'm the arts and culture editor

at Seattle magazine oh wow yeah and I've

um I've written uh a couple of short

non-fiction books really yeah wow can

can I find them anywhere yeah they're in

some bookstores um I haven't really

required a thoral means of distribution

but yeah they're there so all right um

I'll look for

cool are you seeing anybody

or I've been seeing somebody for a while

yeah good it's good going really well

what's her

name Paul

it's really good to see you

Chris it's good to see you

too I'm sorry it's under these

circumstances yeah me too

but our heavenly father has a

plan listen I had to make this brief but

I have a really early flight tomorrow

morning and it's been a really long

day it looks like they're closing up

here anyhow so I'm going to get to bed

this was this was nice yeah this was

good so can I walk you up you want to

walk me in my room

yes yeah yeah of course okay

yeah that'll be

fine

thanks oh this is

me

Chris are you sure there's nothing else

you want to talk

about what exactly would you like to

talk about

you can't just pretend that nothing

happened AR

you it's good to see you and I'm glad

you're doing well but I came here to pay

my respects to Rodney so did

I then I need you to respect

that okay

good night

that

that

I

canand all

tragedy and

sin

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inflicted upon

me and

sickness with

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hey

thanks hope you don't mind them here no

how are you I'm good how are you I'm

good you look

tired I am yeah a little bit I

am I hope you're hungry you cook for me

oh maybe okay

thanks wow it looks amazing I wanted you

to have something ready so when you got

here you it looks great that's yeah

thanks

you look so good in your

suit thank

you hey guess

what what I'm finally going to get my

red jacket really yeah congratulations

baby thank you

I'm so proud of

you thank you m

I'm so

sorry what's

wrong it's been a rough couple of days

you

know

yeah it's

okay it's

okay I'm so sorry it's

okay it's

okay it's

okay I think I'm just tired too yeah I

know

I love you

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hey how are you good are you good good

how's it working it's good how's your uh

how's your day oh fantastic I uh yeah

got so much worth good good do you want

to order

something I'll get something in just a

minute okay this is such a nice

surprise hey what's

up you know I've always been honest with

you

yeah I don't think we should see each

other for a

while why

cuz I don't think I can give you what

you what you need right

now I mean we we just we just met your

family we just met your parents

I I I know I I know it's taking me a

long time to get here but I am here with

everything that

I everything I have

it's always been you

who's who's been holding us back you

know that I know

that I know what this is

about I know

you

go you go

to whatever it is that you have to

do but I want you to know that that I I

may not still be here just waiting for

you when you get back

please St me

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that she handles all the

marketing can you hold on a second hey I

was wondering um do you think you're

going to need me around here next

week uh you haven't really been here

much Rick right but I was thinking about

taking a writing vacation I'm working on

this story for the next issue and I

think you're really going to love it

okay that'll work yeah yeah great thanks

are you leaving now yeah okay fine where

are you going to

go uh

here my Solem

vow to keep his light in front of

me in spite of what the dark

LS of what H comes

unto

me the Seas May rage for Endless

years the winds may test and age me

still I will keep his light in my heart

on our feet and the love in our hearts

we say these things in the name of Jesus

Christ amen amen

dig

in you like your sucker are you

dipping diping in the water you like

that this is really good yeah yeah you

should cook every night oh

thanks making Tes silly

girl silly like your

daddy mhm mhm

you expecting anybody no you

yeah what was that

noise

hi is this a bad time yes

what are you doing here why would you

come to my house how did you even know

where I

lived explain

yourself I got your address from Gloria

Gloria do you realize how

crazy hey hey

hi hi are you going to introduce me to

your

friend yes honey this is my friend R.J

RJ this is my wife Emily hi it's nice to

meet you it's nice to meet you

too well thanks for stopping by it's

good to see you

oh actually we're having dinner you're

welcome to join us if you'd

like sure yeah

sure yeah of course

thank you okay come on in great

[Applause]

thanks

yeah so um RJ how do you and Chris know

each

other oh that's a that's a good question

Chris would you like to maybe

yeah um RJ and I met when I was on my

mission in Clackamus Falls really MH oh

wow that's wonderful RJ was my mission

companion

MH

wow and do you live here in Salt Lake

City no actually I I I live in Seattle

Seattle so what brings you here I'm here

for work what kind of work uh I'm a

writer a writer wow like for a magazine

or Yes actually mhm a magazine which

magazine uh Seattle

magazine and they're doing a piece on

Salt Lake City no uh no actually uh the

story I'm working on has a little bit to

do with Salt Lake so I thought I'd come

down here for some

inspiration great mhm how long are you

in

town I don't know I guess until the

story's

finished well where are you staying

well

um it's

okay that's some

bread oh sweetie pie

a I think it's bedtime so I'm sorry if

it was me I'm so sorry if it was me hey

it's okay get out

let's

go let's go hold

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on hi

hi why are you here why

you came to my

house I just wanted to talk to

you

okay let's

talk maybe not now yeah maybe not right

now oh I'm so sorry okay she gets really

tired it's okay it's a little late so um

any uh what I was uh yeah so I don't

have any place say yet I think I might

just go to a hotel nearby maybe oh well

you don't need to do that we have we

have so much space you could stay with

us if you'd

like if you want

sure yeah uh is that okay with you Chris

yeah of course you're more than welcome

to stay for tonight if you'd like great

you guys probably have a lot of catching

up to do yeah we do we do just up here

at the end of the stairs

her bag looks heavy I should help you

with that it's okay I got it all

right here you

go great thank you yeah of

course well you're probably super tired

so you know if you need anything just

let me know okay I will thank you so

much yeah it's so nice to meet you it's

nice to meet you too yeah okay have a

good night yeah you too okay bye okay

bye

what are you doing

here Ricky what are you doing here I

just want to talk

I don't want to talk about the mission

okay then let's talk about something

else I like your jacket

thanks AR

J I am married and I'm living honorably

okay I didn't mean to interfere with you

it's too late for

that know this is a little crazy you

showing up out of nowhere like this yeah

it is but going to clamus

Falls and Rodney dying and seeing you

again it just it sparked something in

me and all of a sudden I'm 20 years old

and you've walked into my

life and years of confusion and shame

just

disappear and I because I found

somebody that knows me that understands

me I can't find that anywhere else it

comes close but it's

it's not the

same and suddenly I'm

here why did you cut me out of your life

Chris I had no

choice all I want is to be a part of

your life it's not possible I'm sorry to

hear

that I have a meeting to go

to do you still go to church R.J no

regretfully I don't well you should

what are you doing Chris what do you

mean we spent a year of our lives

together we made love we fell in love

you're not straight I feel sorry for you

why because you are living a life of sin

and you are obsessing over something

that never should have

happened it was a

phase the Lord has declared that no

unclean thing shall inherit the Kingdom

of Heaven our sin makes us

unclean unworthy to be in the presence

of our heavenly father verily verily I

say unto you woe be unto him that lith

to deceive because he supposeth another

lith to deceive such are not exempt from

the justice of God you are living a lie

and you brought an entire family into it

how dare you bring my family into this

Chris I don't want to fight I didn't

come all this way to end things like

this but I'm worried about you you're

worried about me yeah this coming from

the guy who traveled 800 miles

Uninvited I'm more worried about

you good it shows that you care I've

always cared about you did you ever care

about

me Chris

Chris

what I'm going to be here for a few

days if you want to talk just get a hold

of me

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for

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for

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hello hi

hey

hey what are you doing you can't eat

rice with chopsticks I don't know how

they just eat use a fork oh I didn't see

that thank

you here we go

it's easier with broccoli and beef I'm

just saying not it's okay a trial with

rice I read through one of your books

really

yeah uh which

one I don't even know I'm sorry that's

embarrassing no it's

okay it was very eloquently doesn't know

what I did read thank you you're

welcome

Hey do you

remember when we first met Rodney uh

yeah just he was just smoking pot you

know in his living room in front of a

couple of

missionaries no shame like you do mhm

like you do

in that apartment oh it just smelled of

of beer and mildew and and urine yeah a

little bit of urine and I think I saw a

live posum in his kitchen I saw a dead

one yeah I think it was the same

one I wish we could yeah he was a

character yeah definitely and know those

were good times in our life yeah yeah

they

were

so the last time I saw

you you were the epitome of a Collegiate

wrestler not so much anymore but you

look the same though thank you I mean I

I lead a simple life you know I go to

work I come home and Paul would stay

over all the time

and we were home

bodies you

were yeah

I'm sorry it's

okay and I'm sorry about what I said

earlier I no we were both he I it's fine

it's it's 50/50 it's

fine so what about you uh how's life as

a pharmaceutical rep I hate

it it's an atrocious job that pays very

well

why don't you do something

else I want to figure out what I want to

do I'll stop being a pharmaceutical

rep just need some time to figure out

what that is you yeah you

will I'll figure it

out

thanks you know it's funny when you're

younger you just assume assume that life

is going to line up and make sense at

some

point you have this vision of what you

want your life to be you Mission Family

job

um you you create this idea of what you

want your life to be like and you you

create these images in your

head and as you go along

these images just

shatter as if they were

nothing so easily conceived and so

easily

broken and then all you have left to do

is just to accept

life just the way it is

is life is a journey isn't it

Ary

MH I should probably get

going yeah um this this was

fun yeah it

was and um if I don't see you

again I just want you to know that I'm

really glad we did

this me too

you want me to walk you no

no I guess this is the closure I came

here

for it's not what I wanted but maybe

this is all there is

this is wonderful Emily it really is

thank you she's trying to make me

fat no right the guy who gets up at 4:30

even wanting to work out

y so how are

sales good can't

complain I think the toughest part of my

job is I travel so much that I'm awake

from my

girls he works so hard but he's got the

next two weeks off so I've got them all

to myself it's about time yeah I don't

know how you do it with all the hotels

and airports I mean how do you sleep I

get used to

it so I don't know about you but I could

use a little bit of dessert oh honey how

about you and Emily run to the store and

get some ice cream Chris and I can chat

about a few matters at the church

sounds like a great idea I wouldn't mind

ice cream sure yeah

sure bye

sweetie um any particular

flavor um how about vanilla yeah vanilla

is great okay

well I'm glad we finally have an

opportunity to be alone in

chat yeah yeah me

too you know I think you're a man that

really seems to have it all figured

out thank

you Chris do you consider yourself to be

open-minded um

yeah yeah for the most

part cuz there's something I'd like to

show you if that's

okay okay

great great now before I begin I want to

ask you

to try to suspend the way you normally

read

scripture try to listen to this with a

delicate

Touch This is

um not something I can just bring up to

anyone which is why I'd rather discuss

it with someone like you it's no problem

great Chris today I'd like to talk about

Andrew now who was

Andrew um he was an apostle um he's the

brother of Simon Peter right now we

don't know very much about Andrew but

tonight let's allow Andrew to take our

hand and lead us through the Gospel of

John Chapter

13 Jesus Christ says to his

disciples most assuredly I say to you

one of you will betray

me the disciples looked at one another

perplexed about whom he

spoke one of his disciples the one whom

Jesus

loved was lying on his

chest Simon Peter therefore motioned to

him to ask asked Jesus of whom he was

speaking so while lying next to Christ

he asked him Lord who is

it so the Lord's sitting among the other

disciples while the one he loved lies on

the heart of

Christ on his

chest after dinner Jesus dis robes then

pours water into a basin and begins to

wash his disciples

feet there is nothing more gentle and

holy than washing another's feet

Aon can

I interject here for a moment Aron

um I don't know just hold on hold on

hear me out all right I've spent a lot

of time thinking about this and I can't

see any other way than how it's written

there is a tenderness in these words

Christ loves these men dearly and one

above all and when he touches them it's

a delicate and beautiful act of kindness

and

love and While others may say that by

loving his

disciples Jesus fell in love with

Humanity I can explain to you why I

believe that this scripture does not

refer to a call to a love for

humankind but

instead refers more specifically to his

love of Ang you can stop right there I

know what you're trying to insinuate and

frankly I don't like

it Chris I'm just bringing that's

enough

okay

okay come I I I didn't mean to make you

angry I'm

sorry Chris I think you and I are a lot

alike I too I'm struggling I'm not

struggling

okay I went to uh a small High School in

Arizona this kid transferred in

sophomore year and he wasn't exactly

popular they called him the narc he was

always tattletail and was just

obnoxious he was very devoted to Christ

however we bonded in that sense over

time we became good friends great

friends even and when the other kids

would say to me why do you spend time

with that guy I didn't care because in

his heart he was a good

man his name was Marshall

Harris your Zone leader when you're on a

mission

Chris I know what happened in Oregon

with your mission

companion and I don't judge you for

it I know your struggle and I know it

well and I want you to know we can help

one another through this let me help you

through

this no temptation has seized you except

what is comment of man and we need not

be

ashamed get

out I care about you Chris get out of my

house you got bananas and raspberries to

make

splits is everything okay

I've suddenly lost my appetite for ice

cream Emily I'm

sorry we'll be seeing you

Chris goodbye

Emily what

happened he

uh wasn't feeling well

I'm going to go get ready for

bed is that a ladybug on the Le ladybug

going to be orange hey sweetie red hey

hey hey um what time are you and RJ

getting together uh around 3 I think

okay so I'll I'll call Kristen and have

her come just a little earlier I won't

be around tonight I have to help set up

for the

debut what's happening

tonight it's my red jacket

debut congratulations again baby that's

great is that a rabbit what is that

thanks oh um you know how did you call

the catering company asked them to add

two more tables and the China and the

flatware like I had

asked

no no I completely forgot I'm

sorry honey it's your parents

anniversary yeah I know I just forgot

and I'm sorry I'll get on it

yeah

okay

okay thanks

I'd like to level with

you

okay I'm

sorry for abandoning

you I'm sorry for the way I treated

you it was

cruel and I'm sorry for not responding

to any of your letters or phone calls

I received them all your

letters and they touched me

deeply but I couldn't

respond I truly

loved the time that we spent

together but once I returned home

I felt my father's

Shadow and his position in the high

Authority looming over

me like a

cloud he recommended that I go to

reparative

therapy which I

did and eventually I was deemed worthy

enough to continue my service to the

church and then I'm met

Emily and we had this amazing

intense

connection and I thought finally a

cure I sincerely believed that if I got

married that I would be given the

strength to overcome

this but every time I see a man that I'm

attracted

to it's like something inside of me is

screaming to get

out there's this message that is sent

and

received instantly

I am a religious man

RJ I know you

are but I feel

forsaken I have so much pain in my

heart and I just deal with it

it feels as if there's this axe that has

been thrust into my

chest this pain the the fasting the

prayer it consumes my

life and there

is little energy left for anything else

I am not living

honorably Chris I feel I care so

much about

you look at

me there's nothing wrong with

us we're just

victims of a culture that that doesn't

accept

us may I touch you

this

face I've seen it in my dreams

what I'm

sorry I'm

sorry I thought this is what you

wanted it

is what do you want me to do

just I missed

you miss you

to I've wanted this for so long

this I pledge as a star recruiter this I

pledge as a star recruiter to live by

the Golden Rule philosophy to live by

the Golden Rule philosophy to encourage

and support my team members to encourage

and support my team members this I

pledge as a brand new star recruiter

this I pledge as a brand new star

recruiter excellent give her a round of

applause

L thank you your red girl

thank you

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way that you

hold me the way that you hold

me the way that you

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done

f

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so right now I have a special for you

it's 50% off any product when you spend

$40 or more on beauty essential

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good you had mentioned a lipstick you

wanted to try sure

okay are you all right dear

um I

don't

honey can I can I help you with

something

dear hey baby

have you been sitting there since I

left where were

you were you with

RJ

yeah you must think I'm such a

fool what are you talking

about come

on I know what you've been

doing my heart is broken

Chris and I think I've always

known but I hid it in the back of my

mind because I thought I could trust you

you need to come

clean you need to be honest with me

what's

wrong I saw

you Chris you saw

what you call yourself a man of faith

I saw

you with your friend

RJ at that hotel just 10 blocks from

here you kissed

him the way you kissed

me I'm so stupid

cuz all the signs were

there they were just there and I ignored

them I'm so stupid

though God only knows what you do when

you're out traveling for

work in one city after the next stay in

hotels meeting strangers

have there been

others

no I don't believe

you I don't believe a word you say

anymore there's been nobody

else have you been going to see him in

Seattle

no I haven't seen him since my

mission since your mission

I can only imagine what that was

like what about me and

[Music]

Kaye has that thought ever crossed your

mind

yes yes of

course I'm so sorry Em

can we pray this

away is there anything we can

do I will do whatever it

takes but you have to stop

this I need

you I need you

CH what do we do

what can I not give you that he can

please don't ask me

that I have been devoted to you to this

family the feelings that I have for

him I can never have for a

woman seeing him again just brought

everything

back and I've

tried to become something that I thought

I was supposed to be but I

can't I failed

you I failed you

I don't know what to do with

that I will not accept

that you made a promise to me for

eternity is this what you want Chris

my life

without destroying

me destroying

this if this is what you want Chris

you have to tell your

family tell them

what the truth

hey guys come on in how are you

darling Oh

I guess have a seat King of the man

don't

I so what's the big news guys uh we're

still waiting on one

person Chris who

on

in it's

okay

sure this is my friend

RJ hey

what is he doing here I wanted him here

trust me it's

okay so how do you know Chris and Emily

are J I'm just a friend

okay I've known Chris for a

while that's great

yeah so what's going on

um Chris and I have something we'd like

to tell

you this isn't easy for me to

say but I haven't been completely honest

with any of

you and I feel like I should come clean

I

uh I uh

I'm I'm gay

and I'm in love with

him

Chris I know that you love

Emily

but I guess I just always kind of

assumed you

know I just love

you and I want

you both of you just to be

happy thank

you son we can work this

through we can work this through

again again

you you are a home

wrecker please make him leave I don't

understand why why did you invite him

here in the first place I need him here

you don't me to leave no please I think

you should I knew who you were as soon

as you walked through that door and I

think you should get up and walk out and

never come back Chris I I feel like this

is a family matter

I I don't even understand why I'm here

yet neither do I I think you should do

exactly what my father said and you

should go Greg sit

down

Chris how could you do this to Mom and

Dad and let alone Emily what are you

what are you thinking

man this has nothing to do with them

my

brother is not gay I've known him a

whole life I would know okay AR I'm so

sorry I'm so sorry

too

Qui

Greg pleas you sit down Greg

Greg sit down great come on sit down

Emily honey I'd love to know your

thoughts on all

this I love you I feel like a failure as

a

wife but I'm not ready to give up

yet so you're you're gay and you're in

love with a

man that doesn't explain or answer to me

how you're you're going to leave your

wife abandon

me and your

daughter your family your church your

heavenly

father also that you can just have some

momentary self-indulgent fling

this is about who I

am I don't expect you to forgive

me but I hope one day you can

understand and that you can help me help

Kaye

understand but this is something I have

to do no honey no you do not abandon me

Emily

you have to let me

go

yes

yeah no no never I cannot let your

com why would you do this to me

I'm not doing this to Hur

you you have to do this

honey I hate you you get out of my house

hi you know my dad never told my mom

about what happened on our

mission he kept from

her she could barely look at me

today my dad's asked me to write a

letter to everyone we know telling them

the

truth I'm going to do

it I'm going to honor him and do it

I'm going to wait till after the

anniversary party and then send them off

one by one

hello is this Thomas Smith yes it is

hello Thomas this is Noah Merill I'm

calling you from Salt Lake

City yes I know who you are of course um

to what do I owe the honor well I'm

afraid this call is uh regard ing a

rather sensitive issue um sure what is

this

regarding several years ago your son RJ

and my son Chris were Mission

companions I

see and I don't know if you knew this

but RJ is currently in Salt Lake City no

I I didn't know

that yeah well he is and um he's complic

things for Chris and his wife they've

been meeting at a hotel near Chris's

home and I just I think it would be good

if you were to call RJ and convince him

to go back to

Seattle brother Merill I I know this

must be difficult for you but RJ's a

grown man I can call him and ask him to

leave Salt Lake City but that doesn't

mean he'll go Thomas Chris and his wife

are thinking about getting a

divorce he he's been doing great he's

he's come so

far but your son is just he he brings

confusion and despair to Chris's life

and I hate to say it but I really I

think it was RJ who seduced Chris on his

mission trip again I'm sorry for what

you and your family are going through

but to put the blame solely on RJ it's

just not fair your son is a part of this

as much as RJ you know that Chris was

fine until RJ showed up at his door

Noah I think you and I are a lot more

similar than we might guess I don't

think so I don't think so what kind of a

father would let his son parade around

as a pansy now hang on just one

minute I'm very sorry for what you and

your family are going through but my son

is a good boy he's a good boy and

whatever is happening in Salt Lake City

is being reciprocated by your son or

else RJ would have left by

now I'm proud of my

son and this hasn't been easy on me but

I love him so

much and he struggled too as has

Chris RJ has been on a very powerful

spiritual journey to come to peace with

who he

is no matter what the church says about

him and Brenda and

I we've started our

journey and now brother

Merill you and your family have to begin

yours and if you ever say anything bad

about my son

again you and I are going to have a

problem you understand me

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

Chu for

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

D

you I can't see you

why can't I see

you why can't I see you

[Music]

[Music]

now I can see the damage I've

done I'm holding on to something from my

past it's not just Chris it's everything

that's left in me that's LDS

here I make my Solem

th to keep his light in front of

me in spite of what the

[Music]

dark of what love comes unto

[Music]

me the Seas May rage for Endless

years the winds may test and age me

still I will keep his light in my heart

I know he will save

me here I give myself to to

him in sweet and clear

surrender I know his love is pure and

true I know his soul is

tender and if I sink under the waves

if Black Knight comes to

claim

me I know my soul will be

[Music]

redeemed my love for him will

save me

well I just wanted to start by saying

that Uncle Noah and a Debbie are

personally my favorite people what else

can I say but congratulations I love you

both

well let's get Uncle Noah up here I

think he has something he wants to say

[Applause]

to thank

you I want to thank you all for coming

here

tonight this is the 25th year that I've

spent with my soulmate the love of my

life debor Mar

[Applause]

you know when I met her at a conference

center in Cleveland Ohio I knew right

away that it was more than just a

coincidence that it was

fate

and I'm

honored to have such a wonderful

woman in my

life and uh

and our three beautiful children and

Emily our

daughter-in-law you

see you don't get to choose who you love

in this

world our heavenly father makes those

choices for

us

and uh in the

end all we have is family

what are you

doing I'm leaving

why you have no

idea how happy I am to have spent this

last week with you

there's always a part of me that's going

to love

[Music]

you so before I

go I want to do something for

you

[Music]

what forgive me for

[Music]

[Music]

I just saved you $100 in

stamps I

can

withand all

[Music]

tragedy and

sin

inflicted

upon me and

sickness

without remed

with my heart held up

high I live a life of

solitude no dreams have I chance to

pursue

only life and live I do

do you know yet what you're going to say

to your

father well I've already told him the

truth and he can't accept

it so I assume all that's left to say is

I'm

sorry but you've already done

that honey you can't hold this

in need to talk to

somebody I'm not a good person am

I honey of course you

are honey this doesn't come as a

surprise to any of

us I mean do you think your dad is upset

because he's shocked by

this no

no I need you to understand something

mom can we please talk about this later

no no no we need to talk about this now

you need to understand

something okay you made these choices

okay Mom no no listen I can't stand as

you in

vain you made the choice to go on a

mission you made the choice to get

married in the

temple and those choices

honey they gave your father hope

they gave me hope

too oh

honey all we have in this life is each

other you know that Annie I love I love

our life and I love our family our

Eternal family and and I I love being

LDS and I love our heavenly

father I know this has been so hard for

you

let me tell you as hard as this is you

have to know that you are a child of God

you are and he loves

you and if he can't accept you the way

that you

are just the way he made

you I want you to know I

will okay I will

and your father will come around he

will that really hurt Emily

though honey she's going to need some

time okay and you'll give her

that okay but right now you need to work

on Chris

okay give her some

time and then you can help her and help

Kaye to understand what she's going

through and what's happening around her

okay

myy oh

[Music]

sweetie I love you I love

you it's going to be okay

whatever that St was you pulled last

night it's made the 20 years that I've

given the church mean

nothing nothing at all of course they

meant

something and you broke that poor girl's

heart with your lies you know that

right and I raised you to be

honest to be honest I would have to

admit to being

gay I've been praying this away since I

was a

child I've been guilty every day of my

life do you really want me to live the

rest of my life feeling this

way if it means your loyalty to

God then yes I

do I have to to go Chris dad I have to

go can we please finish this

conversation we have nothing left to

discuss Chris what are you doing I am

not letting you leave without finishing

this conversation

so you're embarrassed to have a gay

son yes I'm embarrassed to have a gay

son

why because it goes against God's laws I

am your

child I am your

son I live to make you proud I have

manufactured my entire life to please

you because I love you

because I'm proud of my

father you're breaking my heart

Dad please don't walk away from

me because I can't do this without

you you taught me to tell the truth no

matter what and I'm finally doing that

and you don't like it

but I am doing exactly what you taught

me to

do I just want you to have a good

life and I don't want you to

struggle all I've ever wanted is to make

life easy for

you this I can't help you with

this I'm going to be okay

Dad everything is going to

change but I promise you I'm going to be

okay

[Laughter]

[Music]

after the anniversary dinner

the last thing I expected was a letter

from

Chris he said many

things but what stood out to me was

three

words see the I forgive

you you see I left Salt Lake trying to

convince myself that never seeing him

again was for the

best but in my

heart I know it's not an issue of if

I'll see him

again but when

[Music]

o

[Music]

[Music]

o oh

[Music]

oh

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