Original subtitles

All right, Dr. Patel will be administering

the anesthesia now, so why don't you count back from five,

and we'll see you on the other side.

Five, four, three,

two, one, zero.

- Okay, great. - Now what?

Oh, you're still-- yeah, that's okay.

You know, sometimes it takes a beat.

Why don't you start naming some colors for me?

Blue, yellow...

orange.

Uh-huh, that's a good one.

Periwinkle...

sienna, burnt sienna.

Should I keep going? - Patel, what's the deal here?

Let me just adjust the dosage.

Some patients are resistant to anesthesia.

It's just a matter of getting the dosage right.

- Cerulean... - You can stop with the colors.

All right, we should be good.

Finally.

Okay, let's do this. Gina?

- Nope, I'm still here. - Jesus Christ!

What is this guy, Wolverine?

Again, no more tilapia in the microwave, okay?

It smells like a mermaid gave birth in here,

and I think we all deserve better.

Now, last item on the agenda--

our operating margins once again have dipped.

Zero gains--it's like we might as well not even be open.

To that end, I need everyone to start

doing a better job of recommending

additional services to our patients.

You mean like upselling?

We could push more plastic surgeries.

A lot of our patients are fugly.

Well, it's not upselling, per se,

but I would like you to educate our patients

about scan screenings, wellness practices,

and then encourage them to use their insurance.

So upselling--got it.

How are the hospital's finances

even our responsibility?

We're health-care workers,

not a bunch of sleazy car salesmen.

Oh, maybe we could have, like, a sales contest.

You know, whoever upsells the most

could--could win some kind of prize.

Well, Ron, you are just gonna love this,

because I was about to announce

that we are having a sales contest.

Anyone want to take a guess what the prize is?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

What's that? A T-shirt?

No. No, it isn't.

I think we can do a lot better than that.

Nobody said T-shirt.

Dakota, start your rounds, please.

I think that'd be good.

Uh, who would like to go see "zha"

with some floor-seat tickets in Portland tonight?

Wait, you got floor seats to SZA?

That is another way people pronounce it, yes.

And if you are interested, it certainly wouldn't hurt you

to start promoting our brand-new, state-of-the-art

luxury VIP patient recovery suite.

I'm sorry.

Why are we spending money on a VIP suite

when this hospital is literally falling apart?

I mean, there's been a leak by Zone B for, what,

like, three weeks now?

It's been 19 days. Stop being so dramatic.

I'll follow up with maintenance.

In the meantime, I want you to go out there and just...

- Upsell. - It's not upselling.

This is gonna be a big draw

for our more discerning patients.

All the linens are pure Egyptian cotton.

Mm, It's like cool mayonnaise to the touch.

And we've got wall-to-wall 5G Wi-Fi,

which is the strongest kind.

Drives marine life nuts, apparently.

Hey.

Well, the doctors didn't find anything,

and all your vitals are within range.

So the bad news is, you know, I hate to say it,

but without a specific illness or injury,

I--I can't keep you here, Ruth.

I'm so sorry. - I figured.

My cough always acts up in the cold.

I'm sure it'll go away eventually.

Ruth's what's known as a frequent flyer.

She's a nice person, unhoused,

just looking for a break from outside.

I really wish we could do more for her.

I just think, God,

what if that were my grandmother in there,

you know?

I mean, I guess then we would be like,

"Ah, zombie!"

"Who did we bury?"

Sorry. Sorry.

No, it's--it's not-- it's not funny.

Do you think I could get a blanket?

That wind is just nasty.

- Of course. - I'll bring it back.

It's yours.

Just be careful out there, all right?

And I wish we could do more for you.

I know. If you could, you would.

Man, what are you doing?

Oh, it seems like a pretty straightforward job.

I'm thinking saddle clamp, a little elbow grease.

Yeah, I should be able to bang this out in no time.

And you're basing this on what?

You have zero training in this.

Oh, come on. Sure, I do.

I mean, what is the human body

but an elaborate series of pipes?

You know, veins, intestines-- it's all pipes.

People are pipes. People are pipes.

Man, let the plumbers do their thing.

Oh, I see.

You don't think I can do it.

I don't care.

And, no, I don't.

But, hey, knock yourself out.

I gotta go.

Somebody stuck a Barbie doll

in one of their pipes.

And Bingo was his name-o.

See, I think the whole idea of upselling patients

on medical procedures is kind of gross--

I mean, like, really gross.

It's just not the kind of thing

I'd usually do. - Yo, dude.

Did you see Paige and Dakota teamed up?

Yeah, I was just talking about--

I high-key want those SZA tix.

What if you and I team up, and if either of us wins,

we split the tickets?

Oh, yeah,

'cause then we'd have them,

you know, like, the two of us together.

Let's do it.

Great.

Great.

Really, it's all right. I know my way out.

Yeah, I know.

I just wanted to show you one quick thing before you go.

And that thing is...

your new digs for the rest of the day.

Wait.

This is for me?

If I get in trouble, I get in trouble.

You know, my job is to help people,

and, uh, I'm doing the right thing.

So, you know, come at me, bro.

Get comfy, make yourself at home.

You can take a nap or watch TV

or read a brochure on coping with lupus--

whatever you want.

Hey, maybe "Shawshank Redemption" is on.

You know, I think it always is.

I don't even know how to thank you.

There's no need, truly.

Wow. Egyptian.

It's funny.

This really isn't that different from the OR.

You know, you mark the site, use a steady hand,

and make a clean incision.

And...

that's the wrong spot.

All right, well, take two.

How's it coming, Luigi?

That's good.

You see, racist jokes can be funny.

Well, I've identified the main problem area.

Just about to attack the leak head-on.

It just feels good to work with your hands, you know?

You work with your hands all the time.

Please.

I don't mean those soft, fancy-boy hands

you're sporting--no offense.

I'm talking about man hands, you know--

calloused and sinewy, covered in grime and grit.

Okay, I'm gonna let you

get back to your blue-collar cosplay.

Look, I just don't want to be one of those rich,

spoiled doctors who always calls up

some grunt to do his dirty work for him--

again, no offense.

Hiring workers is a convenience.

Obviously, if I had to do the job myself,

I could. - Uh-huh.

Hey, could you pass me that spud wrench?

- Spud? - The spud, yeah.

Okay.

Uh... spud, right?

- Yeah, it's right there. - I see it.

I'm gonna just give you

all these wrenches.

You may want to switch out from that spud.

Okay. Um...

Up to six hours, including throbbing

and sensitivity to light and loud noises...

Hi.

Um, can I help you with something?

Thanks, but I'm doing great.

Bogs and the sisters just assaulted Andy

in the furnace room.

I'm sorry, what I meant was,

um, what are you doing in here?

Oh, just resting.

Nurse's orders.

Uh-huh.

Which nurse's orders?

Got a minute? - Hmm?

Hey, I'm just wondering about the woman

currently having a spa day in the VIP suite.

Do you know anything about that?

Yeah.

You know what, Joyce?

I do. - Mm.

'Cause she said you told her she could stay in there

without paying for it, which is the exact opposite

of what I told you to do.

Well, that's right.

I did do that.

I did, because, uh-- because that woman...

Yes?

She's an heiress.

What? Her?

Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah.

She, um...

She comes from a very, very rich,

very philanthropic family, the Dusseldorfs.

I'm sure you're familiar with them, right?

Oh, of course. How could I--how could I not?

Yeah, yeah.

So I figured, you know,

we're having money problems.

I would just give this rich lady

the red-carpet treatment.

She'd become our golden goose,

uh, but it was presumptuous of me.

Sorry, I'm gonna go kick her out.

No, no, no. No. No. No.

You played it perfectly. - No? Oh.

- Ah, I see you, girl. - Thanks.

- I see you. - Yeah.

Um, well, she's not gonna be thrilled, though,

that I--that I--I outed her, 'cause she's, um--

she's a really private person.

You know, she likes to blend in.

So--so it might be best if you just don't mention it.

Oh, I promise I'll be discreet.

Okay. You know how the super rich are.

Oh, yeah, it's all, you know,

charcuterie boards and trips to the moon--

just eating little gherkins in space with the pinkies up.

- I--I meant the anonymity. - Anonymity, yes.

Yes, that's another thing.

Do I need to wear it when I sleep?

That's probably a good idea,

at least for the first week or two.

Great.

But if you're looking to speed up your recovery,

we do offer in-house acupuncture sessions.

It's amazing for fractures--

really stimulates the blood flow.

Yeah, that's not really my thing.

Totally get it.

Acupuncture has a lot of side effects--

increased muscle tone, sexual performance boost.

It's not for everyone.

I think I'm good with just the splint.

Okay, well, since you're so obsessed with the splint,

how do you like this idea?

Two splints.

But easily, the most common reason for a leak

is a loose coupling nut.

If working in a confined space,

a basin wrench is going to be your best friend here.

You know, it just occurred to me you might want to try

tightening the coupling nut.

I've had some good success with that in the past.

You don't think I've tried tightening

the coupling nut, Ron?

Obviously, that was the first thing I tried.

Tighten the coupling nut.

Get serious.

Well, did you use a basin wrench?

Are you just getting this from the Plumber Jordan video?

First YouTube result for "how to fix leaking pipe"?

I came down to your level, and I hate it here.

I'm going to lunch.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ron, Ron, Ron, wait.

Can you hold this clamp real quick?

Please, just two seconds. Just hold it.

Right there.

Yeah, that's it. - Watch my finger.

Uh-huh. Perfect.

Oh, look who's done this before.

Nice.

Yeah, well, that's what I was saying.

It's about to get pretty hairy, though.

I can take it from here.

Enjoy your lunch.

Well, I mean, I have a couple minutes.

Hmm?

I ate a NutRageous bar a while ago,

so my blood sugar should still be good.

Ah. Welcome to the party, Mario.

Knock, knock.

Gosh, I just wanted to come in and apologize

for being so dang rude earlier.

We lost a patient this morning,

and I was still in that emotional headspace.

Oh, the patient died off-site, by the way.

Yeah, no, we, um-- we got him healthy,

and then he went to another hospital and died there.

Anyway, this is for you. - Oh, wow.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Thanks.

Ooh, this looks warm. - It is.

Not that a person like you needs more stuff, but--

Oh, believe me, I always like more stuff.

I am the same way.

Like, no matter how much you get, it's still not enough.

I am a people person.

I love people.

Do I also love the idea of a new radiology suite?

Yes.

Robotics platforms in the OR?

You bet.

A big old helipad that sits atop a surgical amphitheater

that hosts TED Talks on the weekends,

Portland General crapping in their pants.

But mostly, I love people.

So you think he's gonna go out the same way as Brooks,

but then he ends up making it down to Zihuatanejo.

Incredible. Incredible.

Bit of a spoiler, but that's fine.

Um, hey, what do you say I take you on a private tour

of the hospital, show you what we do around here?

- I got time. - Okay.

Stella. Stella.

While we're gone, can you kind of freshen up the bed

and spruce up the pillows?

Thanks, babe.

What do you say we start in the maternity ward

and see some babies?

Adorable! - Oh, great.

There's a 14-pounder in there right now.

- Yikes. - A real chonker.

I just want to bite his face. - Oh!

When Bruce isn't saying anything

for long periods of time,

he's really not a bad guy to be around.

Oh, and, look...

it's a callus forming.

Still in the early stages,

but by tomorrow,

coal-miner vibes.

Hey, I brought you some tea...

Hey, do you know where the lady who was in here went?

Yeah, uh, Joyce went to take her

on a tour of the hospital or something.

What?

Ooh, that's nice.

Oh, yes, that is one of my personal favorites.

Ah, of course, it's just a print, but who knows?

Maybe one day we'll have a real Monet in here.

- Oh, that would be amazing. - Wouldn't it be?

Hey. Oh.

What you doing, girlfriends?

What you talking about?

Oh, Ruth and I are just discussing

our mutual love of art. - Hmm.

Oh, you must have some wonderful pieces in your home.

Oh, I don't really have a home.

Oh, yeah, I so get that, right, you know?

You're coming, and you're going,

and one week you're in Nice,

and one week you're in Vail, right?

You know, you're everywhere,

and yet you're nowhere, so...

Oh, boy, it has been such a day, though, huh?

You must be dying to get back in that big, comfy bed.

This firecracker? Are you kidding me?

She's got more energy than I do.

In fact, why don't we go storm the gift shop

and then we'll snag some brownies in the cafeteria?

They are a triumph. - Hey, why don't I take her?

You've got important things to do.

Nothing is more important

than this little lady right here.

Now, let's get 5 CCs of brownie into that mouth, stat.

I'm kidding.

5 CCs is barely anything.

Yeah, I'm happy that Ruth is inside and thriving, frankly,

but I'm a little n-nervous.

Uh, you really don't want to get caught lying to Joyce.

Uh, just ask Theresa.

But you'd have to ask her at 3:00 in the morning,

'cause that's when her shift starts now.

I hear a lot of people saying

that our health-care system is broken,

but it seems pretty great, if you ask me.

Nobody even mentions the brownies.

"If the pipes are on the older side,

then epoxy putty may be used to repair any corroded seals."

Interesting.

But that's not gonna work

if you're dealing with a faulty flange.

Try not moving around, please.

You've got a real bee in your bonnet

about this flange theory.

I'm not married to the flange.

Maybe it's a press fitting. - Ooh!

Ooh, ooh, did we try swapping out the O-ring?

- We're about to. - Jackpot.

Dakota, can you come in here and finish this off?

She's much better than me anyway.

Dakota. Dakota!

So we knock out this wall,

then the whole thing becomes a courtyard--

topiaries, a koi pond.

I'm imagining your name on a fountain.

I'm imagining your name on it.

Wow.

How generous is this woman? - Oh.

Is it okay if I use the ladies' room?

Oh, sure. You know what?

Use the one in our staff room.

The other one's for the riff-raff.

It's disgusting. - Oh.

Thank you. - Scoot.

Joyce, come on, a koi pond?

It's Japanese for "fish."

I'm saying that if we were to get a large donation,

we should probably use that money to buy new Alaris pumps

or hire more patient techs.

Yeah, I love that. I love that idea.

But I'm saying, lure people in with the koi pond,

become a health-care destination,

and then we can hire an infinite number

of patient techs.

Oh, look at us jammin'.

We're jammin'.

A koi pond? That's what we need?

People here are burning themselves out just to--

Sorry, I just remembered that this is imaginary money, so...

Hmm...

- Is everything okay? - Oh, yeah, totally.

Just seeing here that you haven't had

a colonoscopy since... ever.

That can't be right, can it?

Yeah, but I thought you don't need that until you're 45.

I'm 37.

Yeah, sure, they say 45,

but they also say you should get your oil changed

every 10,000 miles, when-- I mean, we all know it's 5,000.

5,000, yeah.

Then, one day, bam, your engine's shot.

Turns out, they were wrong.

Yeah, I'll think about it.

Oh, Gary.

Gary, Gary, Gary.

Either there is cancer in your colon right now

waiting to attack the rest of your body, or...

there isn't.

And if you're willing to wait eight years

to find out which it is, it's brave.

I guess I could schedule something.

- Yes! - Yes!

Let's go.

Sorry, just excited to keep your colon healthy.

- Matt, super-good liar. - It's kind of fun.

The key is, as you're lying,

you clench your butt together super hard,

to the point where it hurts,

and that keeps your mind off the guilty feeling.

Hey, whatever gets you there.

I really thought this would be a number-one situation.

What are you two doing?

I have a very important VIP coming through here.

I cannot have my doctors

ripping into the walls like lunatics.

No, no, no, no, no, Joyce, come on.

We're right at the one-yard line

with this thing, really, and I'm sorry.

Are you talking about her?

That's not a VIP. I've treated her before.

That's just--I don't know-- some lady.

What?

Yeah, what?

Just some lady?

She's just some--some lady?

Are we all just some ladies to you, Bruce, huh?

I don't think Eleanor Roosevelt would like that.

- Okay. Okay. - Yeah. And you know what?

Every patient matters, all right?

And shouldn't just be kicked to the curb.

Right. Right.

But especially Ms. Dusseldorf,

who is filthy rich and is going to build us

a Japanese koi pond for our new courtyard.

Exactly.

Now make this stuff go away before you blow it.

- Yeah. - Dusseldorf?

You try making up a last name that sounds real!

- Bang! - We won!

What about Paige and Dakota?

They didn't even check people's coverage.

Almost every procedure got rejected by insurance.

That's amazing.

I mean, you know, very bleak on a society level,

but really good in this one instance.

So are you gonna go to the show?

Of course, yeah. What do you mean?

Hey, Gavin.

I sold mine to Gavin from the lab

for 200 bucks--way over face.

Here you go, boy.

This my date?

Uh, I guess so.

You guys are gonna have the best time.

Tell me how it is.

So you want to drive and I drink,

or do you want me to drive and just roll the dice?

Oh.

Well, Plumber Jordan would be proud.

- I fixed a leak today! - Oh, yeah.

And not some run-of-the-mill,

"just swapped out the O-ring" leak.

Give me a break.

This is a leak's leak, you know,

the kind you tell your grandkids about.

Oh, yeah.

I also reset a broken neck

and took a battery out of a kid's esophagus.

- Sure. - But...

I fixed a leak...

In the wall! - There you go.

I'm gonna have to get a whole crew in here tomorrow.

They Mickey Moused the whole thing.

Who told them to do this?

It's no good.

This was wonderful.

Oh, you guys have the most amazing hospital.

Well, thank you.

We--we really do have a lot of good stuff going on here,

but, um, we could do so much more

if only we had the money.

You have to have the money.

Yes, exactly.

Um, do you--do you think we'll get it?

I really do.

I know you'll get it.

You'll get the money.

You just made my day with that.

Oh!

The truly wealthy are a complex breed--

uh, refined yet eccentric, discriminating yet fickle.

Extracting their money is a delicate art,

but I have been known to...

Pick a pocket or two...

right, guv'na?

Am I--am I the gu--oh.

Uh, you got that right, Joyce.

Just use your normal voice.

Okay. Um...

uh, Joyce did a really good job today.

Hello, hello.