Original subtitles

You know they're all cocksuckers at the state hospital.

You think I don't know, but I do.

And I'm turnin' you in.

Any more of your TV shows

gonna be on TV soon?

You got cable? Yeah, uh, my mother paid the bill.

Tonight at 10:00. TBS.

How are things going with you and that nut

who lives next door to you?

Oh. I don't even wanna talk about it.

That situation is terminal.

Why don't you come down to my place

and check the show out on the big screen with me?

My mother would throw a shit fit.

Like she goes, "He's only after your ass. "

So I like go, "Mother, shut up!"

Better I stay out of your place at night.

But that's patently absurd. After all, you're only what, 16?

Fourteen.

Shit.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, you got any smokes you could spare?

Yeah. Keep the pack.

Thanks. I'll be watching your show.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Landesman. Here, let me get that.

Hello, darling. How's your mother?

Oh, you know.

Tell her, Bertha Landesman says, "Hello. "

Oh, what's the name of your show?

Flying Tigers.

Oh, I love tigers. No, airplanes.

You can close the peephole, Mrs. Steingut.

We're done with our conversation.

There is absolutely no reason

that I should be subjected to this.

And, furthermore, I do not have to expose my body

to people who wish to maim, scar or even kill me!

Don't stop now, I'm listening. Nor will I allow myself

to be dragged into situations where twos, threes,

sixes and tens can dominate me!

Hey, who could blame you?

And you can try to break into my mailbox

to spy on my personal affairs, but that is a federal offense

and you know damn well it is!

And one of these days you're gonna go to jail for that!

If I don't have you arrested for selling crack

to that minor from upstairs first!

And don't think that I don't know

about all the atrocities that you committed in Vietnam!

I'll tape this and play it for the cops. I've had enough.

Nor do I intend to be bullied by fake intellectuals

whose educations were decidedly inferior to mine.

Could I have a little more for a level?

And, furthermore, I do not expose my body

to fives, nines, tens, or elevens

when they sneak up on me while I'm going to the garbage chute!

Thank you.

You play "big screen television"

and "illegal tape recording"

and "contributing to the delinquency of minors!"

I gave her my last cigarettes is what I did.

Take that!

What the fuck?

And don't think that I don't know

about all the atrocities that you committed in Vietnam.

Nor do I intend to be bullied by fake intellectuals whose educations were...

I never sold out to the two, sixes, nines, and elevens.

I have integrity!

Voices don't belong to other people!

And don't think that I don't know

that this is all part of your hidden agenda

for driving me out of here with your superior forces.

But you can't do that, because I have forces, too!

Take that!

Very good, Mrs. Steingut. Very inventive.

Hello, Mr. Ecstrom,

this is Buddy Arnett from upstairs.

Would you please hit the circuit breakers in the basement?

What, again? I told you you've got to watch

the equipment in that apartment of yours.

It wasn't me, Mr. Ecstrom.

You know who it was. It was that coconut next door!

Okay, okay, I'll take care of it.

Right. Thanks a lot, Mr. Ecstrom.

Why don't you like me?

I know how lonely you are.

If you just let me into your life,

I would be your slave forever.

But you deny me and you deny yourself.

You deliberately hurt me by moving your couch bed

against mine so that I can hear you with other women.

Because-

because you are an eleven! Yes, you really are!

Your couch bed was not up against mine

when I first moved in here!

You moved it deliberately.

And now I have to lie here night after night,

listening to you saying lewd things

to lewd women, while you make them do lewd things.

And furthermore-

It's your nickel.

Nickel? What century are you living in?

Well, it's me, the future ex-wife.

It's two o'clock here, and I just called

to congratulate you on your Media Award nomination.

And to ask you why you didn't have the good manners to call

and congratulate me on mine. That being the case,

I hope I win and you lose. Call me.

Love you. Bye.

What a bitch!

Why was I put here, Irving? Why?

Diane, you can't run a book in your apartment

when your wife is screaming numbers out the window.

Why did Sidney have to move in with us out there?

Because he's my Pop, that's why.

Irving, everything was fine.

Until Sidney came up from Hialeah!

You were in and out of the nuthouse most of the time.

How the hell would you know "everything was fine?"

I am not General Noriega, Irving,

and you are not George Bush.

You cannot have people relocated by force simply

because it suits your interest!

I came here- Because you are riddled with guilt!

Because I wanted to see if you needed anything.

I also wanted to see how you are.

And I don't wanna have to go back to Kew Gardens,

and give a bad report about you to Pop.

That's right.

Because you made me very nervous with that crap

that you pulled about how you were going to the police,

and blow the whistle on us.

I may still go. Oh, you do that.

See how fast they listen to someone that the nurses

at Bellevue nicknamed Scarface.

Scarface?

Pop, that's funny. Scarface.

Cruelty and violence are all you people know.

But as someone who was raised by aunts, I am no stranger to cruelty.

Diane. Diane, come on, Huh?

You got it nice here?

But why was I pushed out of my rightful home?

You know Pop here has a bum heart.

And then you got dressed up

in them frigging outfits

with pots and pans hanging off ya.

Hats made out of pampers!

Leaning out the window, yelling you'reyou're surrounded by sixes.

Being held captive by fours and sevens!

I've seen him grabbing his chest.

And that the sixes are runnin' a bookie joint

in your apartment! You stood to kill my Pop.

And I love my Pop. Oh, cut that out.

Anyway, that's why we had to put you in here.

As someone who was raised in Sands Point,

I have no interest in the activities of criminals.

If he dies, it's your fault.

There are so many facets,

to your basically sadistic nature, Irving.

I doubt if I could ever enumerate them within one lifetime.

Look at my face, Irving.

A 100 dollars.

That's what you paid those two persons to scar my face like this.

Look what they did to me, Irving, for a 100 dollars!

And you didn't even do it with any class!

You didn't even go to the Italians to have it done!

You had it done by two out-of-work Black persons.

For a hundred dollars, Irving!

Diane, don't you realize what kind of trouble

you're going to get in, if you don't stop ranting

about scars you simply do not have?

Yes.

Well, then?

You know how lonely I am!

I do know, but even so...

Are you taking sides with Irving?

I'm not taking sides, but what choice did you give Irving?

How could he continue to run an illegitimate business

from that apartment with you yelling out the window

that your father-in-law is a six,

that he can see through walls

and that he was watching you take showers?

Wake up and smell the coffee, Diane.

What do you think will happen to you,

if Irving is sent back to jail and there's no one to pay the rent here?

I suppose, I would wind up back in one of those nut houses.

If you were lucky.

More likely you would end up out on the street.

I don't wanna be homeless.

All right, then.

And what about fires?

We're not going to have any fires here, are we?

No.

You swear? No more fires?

If everybody treats everybody with dignity,

there won't be any fires.

That's not good enough.

Well, it'll just have to do.

Tell me about this man who lives next door.

Mr. Arnett?

He's crazy about me! That's him now.

He just went out to get me a pack of cigarettes.

As a matter of fact, he wrote me a very suggestive note.

Did you read my note, Mrs. Steingut?

Yes.

You wanna talk about it? No.

WWhat'd- What'd you think of it?

It was very well written.

Thank you, Mrs. Steingut.

Oh, your estranged wife

called from California to say...

Well, you'll hear it on your machine.

I hope I win and you lose.

Call me. Love you, bye.

I'm calling Hollywood, Mrs. Steingut, if you care to listen.

Jennifer Buddy.

I got your congratulations. Very funny, Jennifer.

I'm wonderfully thrilled for you.

And so is Kimmy.

Is that my daddy?

Yes, it is, sweetheart. It's your daddy.

Daddy, I just swam underwater for 20 whole minutes.

Twenty seconds, sweetie.

Mommy says it was twenty seconds.

Kimmy, let me talk to daddy a second.

Kimmy, you're gonna drop that in the pool

like you did the last one.

Mother, I wanna talk to Daddy.

She's so stubborn. It's okay, I get it.

Daddy, I miss you. When're you coming out here?

Why not?

Can I come there?

Sweetheart, give me the phone, please.

Thank you.

You're crazy! You've got to come out here for the awards.

Where'd you hear that?

It is meaningless to go to the Media Awards in New York.

You still don't know that you're in a business.

Jennifer, I know it all too well.

I wondered where you were.

Especially when my business manager calls me

and tells me your lawyer is talking about suing...

I wanted you to miss me, baby.

Give me a break, will ya?

You must have made six times as much money as I did last year.

Hello?

Anyway, how much is being spent to promote your nomination?

A lot.

By who? My agent.

They took a full-page ad in the trades.

Mommy. That's not enough.

That's not enough? Nothing's ever enough for you.

Mommy.

Go inside and dry off, honey, or you'll catch a cold.

Anyway, you should come. I need you. We're still married.

We should be sitting together when the camera cuts to me.

So middle America thinks you're straight?

Fuck off, Buddy. Good-bye.

I wanted to talk to daddy again.

Well, he obviously didn't care if he spoke to you again or not.

He hung up on us.

So what's the story?

Well, these guys get shot down over Burma, and...

Right. ... they're rescued

by these nuns, who are running from the Japs.

I already saw it? You saw it?

When it was first on.

Well, that was a couple of years ago.

Yeah, but like, I saw it.

Don't you wanna see it again?

Lame, Buddy, lame. How many times

can you watch something like that?

I mean, I didn't really like it the first time I saw it.

Okay, Marnell, but, uh,

this is a cold side of you I never really saw before.

Andand I have to be honest with you, and tell you that, uh,

I'm shocked, uh, really shocked atat your shallow concept

of friendship. Really?

Me, too.

What's the point of taking a bath to go to bed by yourself?

All right. You keep typing. But this is your last chance.

Your note said you wanted a meeting.

Okay.

I hope, for your sake, you'll have the perception

to see beyond my scars and treat me with dignity.

Because I cannot allow myself

to be forced to submit to domination by fours,

nines, tens, threes and 11s!

Take that!

Ba-boom!

Ba-boom! Ba-boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Your note said a personal confrontation was necessary.

It did?

Oh.

You're in your robe.

That's all right. Please come in, Mrs. Steingut.

Oh, a fax machine.

Interesting.

Yes, it's the greatest thing since sex.

It allows me to send script pages right to Hollywood.

Oh.

Don't you think it would be easier to do that with a modem?

Proceed.

Mrs. Steingut, you've been living next door

to me for, what?

Four months. I think it's four months.

Well, whatever.

See, the people who renovated this building

used such cheap materials,

that you can hear damn near everything

that goes on all around you. And above you.

Well, you know.

Oh, I hear everything.

I see everything that goes on around me, too.

Right, I'm sure you do. But what I'm trying to say is,

I know you live alone over there,

and yet I hear you talking to a lot of people that-

That aren't really there?

Yeah.

See, it's natural for people to fill up their house

with their own noise.

That's what makes it their house.

You know what I mean?

It's not that abstract a thought.

I guess it's not, but when your noise

starts to fill up my house,

then something goes out of my house.

My privacy. And...

And I suppose, you don't find it an intrusion

on my privacy to have to listen to women bouncing up and down

on this mattress, all night long,

yelling that same thing over and over.

I must admit I'm shocked at the paucity of diversity

in the verbal manifestations of passion

that emit from the mouths of those hitters.

I hate to bring it up, but, then, the truth is the truth, isn't it?

That is what I've always wanted to believe.

Oh, I'm sure it all amuses you.

And speaking of noise, what about the...

...from these machines all night long?

Yeah, I hate that noise myself, and I wanna get a laser printer,

but I don't have the money right now.

Do you think you'll win?

Nah.

It's a club out there.

You either live out there or you don't count.

Don't you think that sort of a defense mechanism attitude

in case you lose?

How do you define yourself as a writer?

I'm a novelist.

Who writes for television,

so he can afford to be a novelist.

The New York Times said it was one of the best

of the Vietnam novels.

You were in Vietnam?

I was a correspondent for Rolling Stone.

Why weren't you in the Army? Bad knees.

Do you miss Vietnam?

I miss living on the wire, so to speak.

My father died in Korea during the peace talks.

It made my mother insane.

Actually, what it did was make her insanity more obvious.

My aunts had money. They raised me in Sands Point.

Sands Point? Very posh.

The Gold Coast? Yes. Huge mansions.

Lawns like football fields.

You never dream of it. It was just across the water

from the Bronx. The Bronx?

That's where I'm from.

I had to leave. There was just terrible fire,

and the place burned down.

Then I went to Smith College. Really?

Yes, for a year. I think it was a year.

I was going to transfer to the Fashion Institute,

but then I got sick or something.

Later I renewed a lifelong interest in the ballet.

I was in the corps de ballet at Radio City.

But I got fired. Sorry to hear that.

I could never remember when the shows were.

Oh, I know word processing.

I've had to support myself with it from time to time.

Mrs. Steingut, what is an 11?

Hi. Oh, come in.

Oh, hi.

Mrs. Steingut and I were just being neighborly.

I really have to go.

Thanks so much for getting me the cigarettes, Mr. Arnett.

Get a life. Shh.

Change your mind?

No, but I forgot what time your show came on,

and my idiot mother threw away the TV Guide.

Oh. Here.

TBS in an hour.

But take this. I- I never use it anyway.

Thanks.

Why don't you watch it from down here?

It's more like a movie on the big screen.

No, my mother knows I'm down here. I'd better go.

Oh, can you spare another pack?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I'll be watching.

How about a pack for your idiot mother?

And get rid of anger.

Stan Schwartz, sports.

Mason Coldwell, weather.

Ten o'clock. Flying Tigers.

"Dix and Hap get shot down behind Japanese lines. "

"And stumble on a trio of nuns. "

"Trying to make their way into Burma. "

"Rerun. "

"Script by Buddy Arnett. "

You see, I told you he is famous.

Now, can I go down there?

You can go down there, when I'm invited, too.

Mr. Arnett?

Yes, Mrs. Steingut?

If you can't find anybody else to watch it with you

on the big screen, perhaps you would like me

to come over and do that with you.

Uh, well, actually, I think it would be better

if I worked instead.

Of course, after all I'm not a 14-year-old girl!

Christ.

I'm here, but I'm not taking any calls.

Fuck you.

Mr. Arnett.

What is it, Mrs. Steingut?

Are you sure you don't want me to come over?

Okay, sure. Come over.

Give me a minute. I'll be right over.

I'm a sick man.

What the hell am I doing?

Tahiti. It's not just an island.

It's a promise.

It's a whispering waterfall.

It's the sound of the surf lapping against your toes.

Are you going to tape it? Yeah.

It's not just an island. It's a fragrance.

Oh. I was cleaning something with kerosene.

Oh.

For a minute there I thought it was JP-4 jet fuel.

The GI's used to burn shit with it every Tuesday.

We'll be back with tonight's episode

ofThe Flying Tigers

after these messages.

In Korea.

Vietnam.

Oh.

Of course.

Thank you.

And now,Flying Tigers.

You know, you still didn't tell me what an 11 is.

I don't know if I know you well enough to tell you that.

Bath time.

You said I could watch daddy's show.

You've seen it before.

Your Daddy's given you every one of his shows

on video for Christmas.

Now, school's tomorrow. Let's go.

I wanna talk to my mommy. She'll let me stay up.

Your mother has gone off with your Aunt Felicia.

Now, move.

She's not my aunt.

Pigeon, is that you?

Funny. He doesn't look like the same man

who balled out of the plane.

It's stock footage.

It's television.

Aw, shit.

Mother!

Did you pay the bill or didn't you?

I paid it!

Here's the receipt.

Here.

Goddamn cable system.

They do this to me every time I whip out my recorder.

Tell me, Mrs. Steingut. Who is Irving?

And why did he pay two African-Americans

to scar your face?

Irving is my estranged husband. He's a bookie.

We met in the Carnegie Hall Cinema.

I had gone to see a revival of the film

called The Four Hundred Blows.

I'd always heard it was quite touching.

Interesting. A bookie who likes foreign films.

No, Irving was there because he thought

The Four Hundred Blows was a porno movie.

But don't tell anyone that Irving is a bookie,

because if Sydney has a heart attack

it'll be my fault. And you're convinced Irving

had two African-Americans scar your face?

Do you refer to them as African-Americans

because you are a liberal and you'll call them

whatever Jesse Jackson wants you to call them?

No.

I call them African-Americans

because that's what they wanna be called.

But listen, I don't understand

why you think your face is scarred.

It's not scarred that I can see.

Mrs. Steingut, it's really a very nice face.

Tell me, have you ever been involved

in any kind of therapy? Like group therapy or-

Group therapy?

I've had a shock therapy!

Group therapy?

Now, you tell me something, Mr. Arnette.

Are you one of those rare men who appreciates,

firm young breasts?

Well, uh, sure, they're good, too.

And don't you think that a person touching

my dancer's body, could pretend that I was 14?

Sure, but why would they wanna do that?

Listen, Mrs...

Touch me.

Touch me all over.

I know that you like young girls.

You can pretend that I'm 14.

And turn on all those light things!

Excuse me.

There's that smell again. Sorry.

I tried to get it off.

Oh, it's okay. Oh. It's nice.

Mrs. SteinSteinSteingut!

Yes! Yes! Mr. Arnett!

Arnett!

Give me some ass, Mrs. Steingut!

Mr. Arnett!

♪ I want to♪

♪ I say I like it♪

Right.

♪ I want to♪

I love that.

Yes!

Mr. Arnett!

Yes. Yes.

I love you. Oh, shit.

♪ Yeah, I really like it♪

I said turn that goddamn crap down!

I turned it down.

Well, turn it down more!

It's six o'clock in the morning!

♪ I want to♪

♪ 'Cause I want to♪

♪ Yeah, I want to♪

Good morning.

I went back to my place to make this,

so I wouldn't disturb you.

I didn't have sweet 'n low, but I found your honey.

I assume that would be all right.

Sure. Fine. Thanks.

Listen, about last night-

Oh, please, let's not start the day with a cliché.

We have to have a very serious talk.

What's different about you?

That's what we need to talk about.

How can I put this?

Well.

Okay.

There's a difference of opinion,

among the doctors who've treated me.

The ones I consider to be hacks, insist that I'm a schizophrenic.

But the younger doctors have a different opinion.

They feel that I suffer from a form of panic disorder,

and depression, that leads to fantasies and hallucinations.

I disagree with all of them. I know what I really have.

Multiple Personality Disorder. MPD. I saw it on Sixty Minutes.

And on Geraldo. And I know it's what I have.

It's caused by trauma and abuse in childhood.

The child who's being abused can't take it anymore,

and disassociates and creates another person,

to handle it for them.

You see, I'm really two people.

You've been living next door to a person

we might call Crazy Diane.

That's who you took to bed last night.

Right now you're having breakfast with a person

we might call Sane Diane.

Far out.

You made love to, so beautifully to me last night

that you more or less, chased Crazy Diane away.

For good?

Oh, it's never for good. It's always touch and go.

Crazy Diane is very clever.

After all, we both went to Smith College.

But if she emerges from time to time,

and you wanna be with me again,

you can just ask to speak with me.

Like, what do I say?

Just say, "May I speak with Sane Diane, please?"

And you'll appear?

Hopefully.

Great.

Excuse me a minute. Oh, of course.

Baby, I gotta get you bookings, 'cause you can cure the sick.

I don't know what she's doin'.

She's goin' through one of her normal periods or something.

Look, I don't care about her periods.

You get a hold of her.

And you find out if she ratted us out to the cops.

Okay, Pop, I'll take care of it.

What's goin' on?

Where is she? In the dancing school.

Dancing school. She already knows how to dance.

Shit, we're gonna be here forever.

Here she comes.

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Help, will you, for Christ sake.

Park the car. Wait for me.

I won't be long, Pop.

Park the car.

♪ Now I ain't hiding♪

♪ And I don't know I'm gonna tell the world♪

♪ How I feel inside♪

♪ But baby, baby When you love me♪

♪ Oh, I can't deny♪

♪ You bring out the best in me♪

♪ Myself and l♪

What the fuck?

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Irving?

What the hell are you doing in there?

What's going on here?

I'm reorganizing our files.

That's not what I mean. What goes on here?

Nothing goes on here, Irving. This is obviously a home office,

and I am working here.

An office with a bed in it, where you take showers?

My shower is stopped up. And the Super here is a cretin.

Stop the bullshit.

What are you doing in here? I work here!

As what? A ballet dancer?

Have a seat if you must, but forgive me

if I go about my business.

My employer is probably about to win a major award

and I'm going to tape it off the air.

Excuse me, do you mind sitting over there?

No. Okay. I get it.

Crazy Diane has taken one of her little walks.

But it's all right. She'll be back.

She always comes back.

Wait until this guy, uh, meets her good friends

Mr. Two, Mr. Six, and Mr. Eleven.

He's already met them. After all, they're neighbors.

Okay, so he hired the handicapped.

And now you're fucking him.

What a nice man.

How much is he paying you?

That's my business.

Oh.

But you probably have to do it for him for free though, right?

Come on. How much is he paying you?

I make 168 dollars and 59 cents per week.

Great.

I can take that much off your check every week.

As you desire, Irving.

Comes to, about 250 before taxes.

♪ For any job you got to do♪

Boy, you must lick his stamps pretty good for that.

And if you got that feeling

that things are coming unglue,

then Perma Glue is the glue for you.

Perma Glue will bond anything to anything,

forever and ever.

Perma Glue says it and makes it stick.

Three-eighty, 3-20 and 2-80.

Tails as 6-60 and 4-40.

Longfellow's Game at 5-40.

The second race, Glass Jaw, 12 dollars 6-40 and...

Irving! What?

What? Only he can grab you now? Is that it?

Does he know you're married to me?

He knows, I have an estranged husband.

I'm estranged.

I never been in a loony bin, but I'm estranged.

That's a laugh! Why are you here?

I'll tell you, if you sit still.

And stop jumpin' around like Sadie Fuckin' Secretary

for two minutes. I need your apartment.

What for?

Somethin' funny is goin' on in Kew Gardens.

Too many weird clicking noises on the phone lately.

Pop smells a rat.

You didn't do anything stupid, like call the police

or nothin', did you? Certainly not.

Because if Pop's blood pressure goes through the roof,

and he gets a stroke, or gets an attack

and ends up croaking, because of you-

Without that lonely man or woman,

sitting in that lonely room,

the television writer.

Here, live from New York,

to present the award, for the best writing

on a dramatic series,

is last year's winner, Barry Men-

Uh, uh, thanks, Frank. Look, there he is.

The nominees in this category are Buddy Arnett...

Yo, Buddy! ... forCall To Duty.

Hmm. Looks good in a tuxedo.

Hmm, mm, mm.

And the winner is...

To deprive this man of a permanent record

of a possible triumph!

Okay. Okay, fine.

I'm glad you work over here now.

Because Monday morning, a certain Cuban friend of mine

who once worked for the CIA,

is comin' over to put new extensions on your phone.

I'm taking over your number for a while.

You most certainly are not! II'm still your husband.

The apartment's still rented in my name

and Monday morning Senor Mungo Rivas...

Never, Irving! ... who once worked for the CIA

is coming over and knockin' on you door-

I will cut the wires, Irving! Okay, do it

and you see what happens. The day you start working

out of there I am calling the police!

You'll do what? I will!

You'll do what? I'll call 'em?

You give me any more trouble,

and you're gonna see two big spades comin'

at your face with razors.

And it'll be me that sent them.

I knew I didn't make that up.

I just heard it in advance.

Monday morning, Looney Tunes.

I didn't know he was practically a celebrity.

Mother, will you, please.

I thought he was just some guy trying to grab your ass.

Shut up!

Jesus Christ! What happened here?

Diane, is that you?

Diane.

Did you win? I couldn't tape it.

Did you win? No, I lost,

but whatwhat happened here? But it's still on,

whywhy are you here?

I split as soon as I lost, but who did this?

Irving was here. He tried to terrorize me,

but I wouldn't let him.

Nothing scares me anymore.

Now, that I have you. Oh, God, I love you so much.

Come on, now, what is this?

You know it's true. You must know that.

You've changed my life completely,

you've given it so much meaning.

Oh, shit.

Don't say that. Don't ruin this moment for me.

I wasn't talking about that.

Son of a bitch, she won.

Oh.

Thank you.

Uh, thank you all so much.

Oh, I had something memorized, but I've forgotten it. I-

Sorry.

I swore to myself I wouldn't cry, but-

Look, mommy's crying.

Right on cue.

She's very beautiful.

She's a total bitch.

Sorry, II have just worked so hard for this.

I'd like to thank, Dick Weisberg and Frank Berkowitz.

Aren't you gonna thank the little people?

And the people at the network, you know who you are!

I mean, this is such a wonderful industry!

Sorry.

Thank you.

It doesn't really matter about the Jennifers

and the Irivings of this world.

What they do for us,

is to point out the things in our lives that we have

that are of real value.

All the while that Irving was kicking me,

I didn't really feel any pain because I knew sooner or later

he would stop and leave.

And that you would be back.

And I would be with someone who treated me with real...

dignity.

Lyman laughs and spits

in the Iraqi colonel's face,

when they hear the air raid sirens.

The colonel drops the rubber hose and screams,

"Everybody into the shelter!"

Does he scream it in English or in Arabic?

Uh, I don't know. In English, it doesn't matter,

we'll deal with it later. Well, it doesn't make any sense

if he screams it in English.

Let's just keep going here, okay?

I mean, I- I know you went to Smith

and you're probably much better read than I am,

but you agreed to work for me. And if you're gonna work for me,

then you have to type what I ask you to type.

Without confronting me about every other sentence.

Don't you care what I think?

Of course I care what you think.

Because, frankly, I'm somewhat disappointed

that you sold your Vietnam novel to these people

and they're turning it into a movie

about the war with Iraq.

I know you two are doing it.

I'm turning you both in, you rotten motherfuckers!

Come on. Don't pay any attention to her.

How can you not pay attention to her?

Here.

I can't be bought with bribes, either.

Very nice. Come on.

Look, Vietnam is dead. It's over.

The heart of my novel, is the struggle of a journalist.

To stay honest in a difficult circumstance.

Yes. But most of what you're writing

is bang-bang, shoot-shoot, anti-aircraft guns, missiles.

I mean, it's almost like Rambo goes to Basra on behalf of CNN.

What's behind this lecture?

I read your novel. Your new one.

My new one is three years old and far from finished.

Where'd you find it? On your hard disk,

in your computer. I was downloading some stuff.

Anyways, it's brilliant! It's just brilliant!

Brilliant, Jesus, what a review.

No, it's more than brilliant. It's surreal.

Why haven't you finished it?

Because I have bills to pay.

Child support, taxes, you name it, I owe it.

You have to finish it.

It'll establish you as one of our best

and brightest novelists.

Look. Show business is heat.

I got a nomination, and I got hot.

So, suddenly somebody wants to buy my Vietnam novel.

They're even paying me to write the screenplay.

So, if my first novel makes it possible for me

to write my second novel, so be it.

When you make this move, where will it be shot?

Well, they're talking about Spain.

There are parts of Spain that look just like Iraq.

Spain? God I've always wanted to see Spain.

Wouldn't you have to take your secretary?

You kill me. You fucking kill me.

You really are Saint Diane. Saint Diane?

Yes. Isn't that what you said I should call you?

No, Sane Diane. Sane Diane.

So, can I go with you? I don't know.

You're worried about Crazy Diane, aren't you?

Or else you can be devious,

if people turn on me or become treacherous

or stopped treating me with dignity.

You think I would turn on you?

I think that at the bottom of their souls,

ultimately, all men can be Irving.

What's wrong?

They stole my fucking bike!

Of course, it was chained up.

They'd have to be Houdini to unchain it!

I can't believe nobody saw them taking it!

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Where were we?

You think it could be Irving?

I don't think so. It's been three months.

I don't think he'd violate the restraining order.

Maybe, it's the Cuban spy.

Maybe, it's about my bike.

Yeah?

I have a Strip-o-Gram for Mr. Arnett.

A Strip-O-Gram?

What the hell are you doing here?

Do I get a kiss, to go with my award?

Or do I actually have to strip?

Hmm?

Well...

What have we here?

Jennifer, I don't believe you know my secretary,

Mrs. Steingut, Mrs. Steingut this is my wife, Jennifer.

His future ex-wife.

Doesn't he call me that behind my back?

Do you want me to go back to my own apartment?

Of course, you do!

No, no, Mrs. Steingut, you go right on working.

After all, that's what you're here for.

What should I work on?

What?

You were dictating to me.

Oh, right.

Well...

Uh, II'll mend that broken coffee cup

from the other morning. Good.

You need money to buy new cups, Buddy?

Watch out for her! Shh.

Shh.

As you can imagine, Jennifer,

getting nominated for that award,

made me very much in demand.

And then suddenly I was very, very busy.

Mrs. Steingut lives next door but she happens

to be a brilliant secretary.

Next door. Uh-huh.

Hmm.

And how convenient for carfare.

And other things like that. How do you mean that?

It was just a stroke of luck that Mrs. Steingut

was out of work,

just at the time when I got so busy.

Oh, yes you've mentioned Mrs. Steingut

to me on the telephone.

At least six times or was it 11?

Are you mocking me?

No, she wasn't mocking you.

Were you, Jennifer?

Of course not. I was just...

Oh, Jennifer, you mentioned you have

new school pictures of Kim around.

II wonder if...

Oh, dear God.

What is wrong, Mrs. Steingut?

I've glued my fingers together.

Wait. Don't try to pull them apart.

I have nail polish remover in my purse.

Who can that be?

Let me have a look at that.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes, you recognize my wife.

Jennifer, this is the little girl that lives

just upstairs with her mother.

Jailbait! Shh!

What'd you say, Mrs. Steingut?

Nothing. llI was stifling a sneeze.

This place is filling up with enemies!

No, it's not, Mrs. Steingut.

Everybody here is very friendly. See, Dina brought a cake.

And a jolly cake it is, too.

Did you bake that yourself, Dina?

Uh, no my mom did.

But I'm the one who told her to make it chocolate,

because of the time that you got me high

on Thai sticks, and you said you liked chocolate, so well.

Well, thanks for coming down.

Okay.

We watched you win the award,

and I read all about you in Peoplemagazine.

And mymy mother was so impressed with what you had

to say about how you didn't like to go to parties,

because you'd rather be at home with your daughter.

What an adorable little girl.

Want me to get her for you? You terrible man.

Let me handle this!

I know how to handle people like her!

Hey.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Listen, Buddy,

I'm going down to Carolina to see mom and daddy.

But, before I go, I really need to talk to you.

So, is there some place we can go?

You want me to go?

No, no, you go right on working, Mrs. Steingut.

Uh, we'll go to your place.

Is it open?

Yes, it's open.

The reason she keeps it open is because you can hear

everything that goes on over there from here.

I see.

Would you go tell my driver he can get something to eat?

We'll be a while.

What is wrong with you?

You made that moron your secretary?

Shush! She talks to herself,

for Christ sake. Just shush!

Well, sheI heard her. I saw her!

Just shut up!

Hmm!

Psst! Get in here, quick.

We have to hear what they're saying.

Do that quieter!

I wasn't kidding about the walls here.

I hope you don't do that

in front of your friend, Mrs. Reagan.

Shush it!

Come away from that wall

and keep your voice down. Buddy!

So, you're boffing the nut next door.

And you made her your secretary.

You really are something.

First of all, I am not boffing her.

Not right this minute.

And, secondly, she's not a nut.

She's a very well-educated, lovely young woman.

Who's had a hard time in life.

With a history of mental illness.

Where do I barf?

I hate your cynical west coast attitude about people.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I wanted to talk to you. To ask you to come back to me.

I'm tired of this stupid separation.

And Kimmy's getting to the point where she really needs a daddy.

Cut the bullshit!

What are you proving with this?

I'm not happy with it. I admit that. Why don't you?

How's what's-her name, the tattooed dyke?

Gone. Been gone for months. Buddy, I worked all that out.

My shrinker made me understand exactly

what that was about, and the minute I understood it,

over.

I swear to you.

There is absolutely no reason for me

to feel threatened by perverted women.

Nor can I be toyed with by destructive people

who manipulate. Stop it. Stop it.

If he hears you carrying on like this,

you're not going to Spain.

I don't care about Spain,

Spain is just a place where they lisp

when they speak Spanish!

What did she say? Nothing.

I think she's just proof-reading aloud from my script.

She's very efficient.

Let him take his wife to Spain!

She can exercise her need to dominate!

She probably likes to tie men up and whip them.

You wrote that?

You'd have to understand the plot of the movie.

I don't think I want to.

Don't tell me to shut up! I know what's going on.

This whole thing was worked out on the telephone between 'em.

For all I know, Irving's involved!

And the Cuban!

I bet the Cuban thought the whole thing up.

They're very clever at the CIA!

I'll be right back.

And I will not be subjected to people who...

Diane, come on now! Diane! ... lie and sevens and tens.

Aw, shit! Hey! And 11s!

Can I please speak to Sane Diane?

No! Why not?

She's mad at you! Diane, please.

I know Sane Diane wants to talk to me.

Can I please speak to Sane Diane?

Give me a minute.

He wants to talk to you!

But I didn't tell, it's not like I don't care

if I know what's going on. Just be quiet.

I don't care. Don't tell me to be quiet! I know!

All right, I'm all right now.

Here's how I feel.

I know that she's beautiful and that she has a hold on you.

Why wouldn't she?

I'm sure there's hundreds of men who would leap at the chance

to have a date with her. Diane,

cut the soap opera.

But I know how I feel about you.

And I know what I could do for you if you would only let me.

That's all. I don't want to go into it

any further at this time.

Diane, I'm not going back to her.

I'm gonna do exactly what I was doing.

Finish this movie, take the money and run

and finish my new novel, okay?

Promise? Promise.

Trust me.

Okay?

Don't tell me what went on!

I heard! "Trust me!"

Will you leave me alone? You know I can make you do it.

Wait.

Come here.

Oh, how romantic. Just like the first time.

You know you love it.

Oh.

Yes, yes.

Oh, honey.

Nice, huh?

Not made out of plastic. Oh, baby.

Look, would you do me a favor and put another towel

between me and that faucet?

Yeah. It's so good.

Oh, yeah.

What do you think you're doing?

If they wanna be together so badly,

let 'em be stuck together for life!

They'll put you back in you-know-where.

These people are celebrities.

This could find its way into The Enquirer.

Good.

I'll give them an interview.

I'll tell them everything about him.

About how he gives drugs to 14-year-olds,

and how he promised to marry me

and broke his word.

What are you talking about?

You heard him say he wasn't goin' back to her!

That hardly constitutes a proposal of marriage.

I know what was in his heart when he said it.

He said he was leaving her for me.

And, in case you forgot, he also said "I love you. "

He says that every time he has an orgasm.

They all do. Now here. Take this and stop acting crazy.

I don't wanna take it.

You take it, and calm down, or you're not going to Spain,

or anywhere else with this man.

If he doesn't intend to marry me,

then what is this all about?

Am I just a convenient piece of ass

and a cheap secretary?

Take the pill.

Call me.

Oh.

What time is it?

About one o'clock in the morning.

I took a pill.

I know what you did over there,

and I was so upset I had to calm myself down.

Look, uh-

I hope you took the proper precautions.

Listen to me, now.

I only did it by way of getting rid of her.

With Jennifer, if you give her what she wants, she goes away.

You swear you're not going back to her?

No way I'd do that.

You're everything I have in this world.

Oh, honey, shh, shh. You are. You are.

But if you ever screw her again,

I'm gonna perma-glue your dick to your leg.

Oh, my God.

Can I speak to Sane Diane again, please?

You are.

So, have you thought about it anymore?

Are you gonna take me with you to Spain?

Okay, people, listen up here.

Salaam alaikum. Alaikum salaam.

So, is this your first trip to Spain?

Actually, yes.

II've been to England and France, but never here.

When we move to Madrid next week,

I'd like to take you to dinner.

Oh, well, I'm- I'm here with someone.

Who, that schmuck? His wife's here with him.

Not the director, the writer.

Oh, you're like the Polish starlet, huh?

The Polish starlet?

Yeah, she screwed the writer.

But you're cutting out all the dialogue

that would make this picture in any way meaningful.

What meaningful? It's a fuckin' war movie!

War, all right, war.

But you're turning it into a cheap rip off

of what I originally had in my novel.

No.

You already did that,

with this piece of shit screenplay.

Oh, it's you, darling. Hello.

I have all your mail. Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Landesman. You're most welcome.

I'm very happy with the way you've changed.

I know what's going on.

And I approve.

Just make sure he marries you, dear.

Yes?

It's me, Irving.

I can't let you in, Irving.

Please.

I'm in trouble. I gotta talk to you.

All right. I'll let you in to the lobby

but you can't come to the apartment.

Irving?

Oh, you're in your own place.

Irving, what's wrong? You look terrible.

Pop died.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. So, can I come in?

Look, I'm not gonna pull any stuff

like I pulled the last time.

Uh, what's all this? We just got back.

From where? Madrid.

Madrid.

Spain?

It's the only Madrid I know of, Irving.

Mm-hmm.

I've been here every day lookin' for you.

Why didn't you let me know that you was goin' to Madrid?

I didn't know I had to.

But, poor Sidney.

Was it his heart?

Alternate side of the street parking,

that's what killed him.

I told him, "Forget movin' the car. "

I had to jackass all the way into Manhattan

because some lucky bastard put a pile of money

on the Clippers and they beat the hell out of the Lakers.

So anyway, I called Pop up and I said,

"Forget movin' the car if I'm not back in time.

We lost our shirts today, what the hell's a few more bucks

for a ticket?"

You know, that Buick didn't have power steering.

It's no easy car to schlep in and out of the parking space.

He died tryin' to screw New York out of a couple of bucks.

And I've been here every day, ever since.

You don't leave any word, you don't call a person up.

You just take off for Madrid, Spain.

I'm sorry about Sydney, Irving. Did you have a funeral?

The Rabbi kept his promise.

And, uh, he didn't say that Pop wasn't religious

and he pretend that he knew Pop.

That's good. I hate that.

When they pretend they know somebody.

Or say that he was religious.

When he wasn't.

I wanna hear more, Irving, I really do.

But I have to go next door and take this call.

Why don't you come with me?

Heuh.

So, anyway, you're back.

You look very good.

I like that outfit there, you look like Rita Hayworth

in that bullfight movie.

You're still typing away for the writer, huh?

Actually, I-

I'm sort of running his affairs for him, Irving.

Well, I don't care. I'm getting out of the business.

Probably gonna get a straight job.

I got a good offer from a deli in Kew Gardens.

You can move back in there. Maybe we could even swing

a little house in Jersey or somewhere.

Have a kid. Be like other people.

You seem to be okay.

And like I said, you look very nice.

I don't think so, Irving.

My life has changed a great deal more than you realize.

Okay, you gotta get even.

I get it.

I'm past that kinda thing myself.

I'm down to basics here.

I mean, I hurt so bad that one more hurt could kill me.

So, come on, babe, what do you say?

Irving, I have a life now.

I have meaning.

I'm even doing a little writing myself, on the side.

Oh, it's not very good, but...

Well, never mind.

It's just that I have something, Irving,

and I just can't give it up.

What have you gotten? Some guy who pays you shit,

and slips it to you on a fast trip to Madrid.

Before Castro, guys used to do the same thing,

taking broads down to Havana.

Well, then, thank God for Fidel Castro.

Sure.

Big kiss-off. Crazy Diane is gone for good. Sure.

We know all about that one, don't we?

Well.

If she shows up again, give me a call.

Maybe, I'll take youse both back.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Did you miss me while I was gone?

Yeah.

Where were you? Spain.

How's life?

She's a total bitch. Like last night, she goes,

"Well, if you don't get a job

and start helpin' me pay the rent,

then we're gonna get kicked out of our home. "

So, I go, "You call this shithouse a home?"

Some great dialogue. Sorry I missed it.

I'm going to California.

She's driving me crazy.

Well, let me know if you do that,

'cause I may be going out there soon myself.

Oh. Uh-huh. That would be great.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, for cryin' out loud. What's wrong?

I never should have opened any of these bills.

Look at this.

I told you you were being intemperate with that card.

What was that?

The insurance company is giving me ten cents

for my stolen bike.

I made some espresso.

What time is it?

Almost 11:00.

I've completely lost my sense of time.

Jet lag.

You're back so late.

Well, I had dinner with my agent and my lawyer.

Irving was here.

Oh. What did he break this time?

He's the only thing that's broken.

His father died, and it's made a child out of him.

He's pathetic.

What happened downtown?

There's good news and there's bad news.

The bad news is that the movie company doesn't owe me

any money 'cause I took a walk. Oh, dear.

What's the good news?

The good news is that as of Monday

I am staring to rewrite

a screenplay for a big budget movie.

Wonderful.

Who's in it? Your wife?

Bingo.

But you were going back to work on your new novel.

That was the whole purpose of the last movie you did.

To make the money so you could write your new novel.

But I'm not getting the money now.

Where will you be doing this work?

Well, it's a rewrite. I'll have to do it out there.

Why?

Because I'll be working on it with the director.

But you'll need a secretary.

The studio'll give me one. It's part of my deal.

But what happens to me?

You'll be here. Taking care of my affairs.

II'll keep paying you.

And where will you be staying out there?

Actually, I'll be staying with her.

With her?

Your wife?

Yeah.

That way I'll be able to see the kid a little bit,

and I'll save on my hotel bill.

You both planned this together, didn't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Now, I know what you were doing when you were making

all those phone calls from the bathroom in the hotel.

I used the phone in the bathroom

because I was in the bathroom,

and there was a phone in the bathroom.

I'm going with you. Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't care if I have to stay in a cheap motel,

I'm going with you! Hey, hey!

And I'm working as your secretary!

Whether you like it or not!

If you think I'm letting you out of my sight, you're crazy!

I don't want you there, okay?

You work for me, and I'm telling you,

your job is to stay here. Period.

Now, we're both exhausted, and we both need some sleep.

Now, it's five o'clock in the morning and my head

and I can't think straight! You don't want me there?

What I meant was, I want you here.

You just said you don't want me there.

I heard you say those words.

And no amount of jet lag can explain

that little Freudian slip. You're in trouble, mister.

You're in deep, deep shit.

May I speak to Sane Diane, please?

Sane Diane would tell you exactly the same thing!

How did I get into this?

You.

You got me into this, you schmuck!

And where have you been all this time?

Where'd you go? Stop and pick up a sailor?

Go fuck yourself.

You're the one who picks up sailors.

Did you get me a pack of cigarettes or did you forget?

No, I didn't forget!

I just decided not to.

And clean up that shit house room of yours!

Every dress I buy you, turns into a rug.

Diane?

Diane, you okay?

Okay, play games.

Hold on.

Hold, hold on.

Okay, I'm here.

Congratulations. I hear you got fired in Spain.

Wrong, I quit.

JENNIFER; Well, good that you did!

I am so thrilled. You are rewriting my first feature.

Okay, kid, I owe you one.

I understand that you took

Sicko the Secretary to Spain?

She works for me, Jennifer.

How many times do I have to tell you that?

You have to admit that, by any standard,

the woman is a complete mental.

I don't care what you think of her, Jennifer.

I actually love this girl.

It's not always easy but there's someone very dear

and sweet in her, who doesn't have a selfish

or mean bone in her body.

But I love you, Buddy.

Sure, sure. But this is in no sense a reconciliation.

I wanna make damn sure you know that.

I will avoid you like the plague.

Now, I'm counting on you to behave in an adult manner

in this situation, okay?

I'll let you know my flight number

as soon as I get it. Bye.

Ciao.

Psst. Hey.

Close the window.

We don't have to whisper.

I don't want my mother to hear.

I'm getting out.

I'm gonna take a cab to my friend's house in Jersey,

and we're gonna go to LA together.

Oh, outta sight.

But like I need to borrow some money.

Could you lend me some and I'll pay you back?

Yeah, no problem.

I just happen to have a lot of cash left over from my trip.

Uh, listen, uh, I'm gonna be in LA myself.

What I'm gonna do is, uh,

I'm gonna give you my number out there.

It's my wife's house.

You call when you get out there and leave your number.

Say you're with the Writer's Guild Health Plan

and I'll call you back.

Here.

You're such a babe.

Ha! Oh, shit!

So, that's why you told your wife

you weren't reconciling with her,

because you want to screw 14-year-old girls instead!

Diane, please, open the door.

I do not appreciate

being thrown over and violated by immature,

insecure fools who cannot keep their genitals covered,

when in the company of moronic 14-year-old Jailbait!

Why don't you go back to the looney bin

and take my mother with you?

Dina, are you down there?

Aw, shit, I'll call you.

Where's my daughter?

Oi vey.

Leave it, Mrs. Landesman.

II'll be happy to pick it up for you.

Oh, you are such a darling.

Darling? That rotten piece of shit,

motherfucking cocksucker's a darling?

Very nice, Diane.

You sound like the bag lady from up the street.

Now, please, open the door and let me in.

You were gonna divorce her and marry me

and now you're...

Now, wait a minute, I never said that.

You.

You're behind this, you son of a bitch.

Where did she go?

Hello?

Yeah, Jerry.

When do they want me out there?

II could leave tomorrow morning.

In fact, I'd like to leave right now, but, uh...

Yeah. Uh. Hmm.

I'm taking one as we speak. Dalmaid.

Put me out for about eight hours.

Yeah. Well, uh, she can leave word on my answering machine

which airline and what time.

You're a genius, Jerry. See you tomorrow.

No. He took a pill.

He'll be asleep in minutes

and then when he's out cold, he fries!

And they'll find us in bed together.

Locked in an embrace of death!

Diane, I know you can hear me.

I'm going to California tomorrow.

But I have to straighten this thing out between us first.

Please, get a good night sleep.

And then let's have breakfast and talk in the morning, okay?

May I ask what you think you're doing?

Guess.

What about all the other people in this building?

Who, that criminal upstairs who gave birth

to that little bimbette?

Too bad the little slut ran away from home!

I want those matches.

No!

Don't you wanna get even?

Don't you know when you've been cheated

and conned and ripped off?

You're the one that's always telling me

to wake up and smell the coffee!

Well, the coffee is burning, can't you smell it?

Yes, and my heart is broken in two.

Now, I'm not burning down a building

full of innocent people.

There are other things we can do.

Like what?

I've given it some thought.

I think there's something much more Biblical we can do.

Such as?

Yes.

I'll do it.

It's your nickel.

Hi, Buddy, this is Ruthie

from Jerry's office.

I have you on TWA flight number 8-15,

which leaves at 10:00 a. m. tomorrow.

I'll call you in the morning to make sure you get up in time.

I'll see you tomorrow.

What the fuck?

It's nothing. Go back to sleep.

What?

Get outta here! You goddamn crazy bitch.

Get the fuck out of my house, and out of my life!

You're fucking fired!

Where do you think you're going?

That's my business! I'm going with you!

Oh, yeah? No!

Oh, my God, I'm stuck!

Good. Stay there.

I hope you and that wall are very happy together.

Oh, wait. Please! I'm sorry.

I love you! Wait, please!

Wait!

Wait!

♪ For any job you've got to do♪

♪ Don't get stuck♪ ♪ Get Perma Glue ♪

That's right, and if you've got that feeling

that things are coming unglued,

then Perma-Glue is the glue for you.

Perma-Glue will bond anything to anything

forever and ever.

Perma-Glue says it, and makes it stick.

♪ For any job you've got to do Get Perma Glue ♪

Welcome back, and our next guest

is Diane Louis James,

who many of you may know has written a huge bestseller

called Take That which is now in its third?

Fourth. Printing.

This is some book.

This is some book.

I couldn't put it down. I read it last night.

Tell us a little bit about it, Diane.

Well, I first started having problems

when I was in college.

One day I would show up and be brilliant in class,

the next day I would show up, and for no discernable reason,

be totally disruptive.

And I would write derisive things about

the professors in the margins of the test papers.

So Radio City fired me.

And, of course, I can't really blame them.

But when the stage managers would yell at me,

I would get even with them by setting their cue sheets

on fire in the wastebaskets of the dressing rooms.

And eventually they found out who was doing it.

And the fire department investigators

were brought into it and it did get rather messy.

And my husband at the time was a somewhat sleazy individual,

but he was the best I could do in those days.

I had been meeting men by sitting down on benches

in Central Park, next to men,

who were walking thoroughbred dogs.

Because I felt that was somewhat safe.

But when I got into a terrible situation

with a very violent man, who was walking a Yorkie,

which I later found out he had stolen.

So I had to stop that.

But for a time I was quite madly in love with this man

who lived next door to me

on East 88th Street, who was a writer.

And I learned a great deal working for him.

Not just about writing, but about managing one's talent.

And about how selling out is a bad habit

that can be difficult to break once you let yourself do it.

And on a personal level, he turned out to be a coward.

Who really didn't trust his emotions or better instincts.

So, I finally had to realize

I had no one to rely on but myself.

And I began to write about my life

and what I had been through.

Well, now that you've had success,

real success, I understand that you sold your book

to Hollywood, but under the conditions

that you write the screenplay yourself.

Yes, that's right.

Tell me, do you ever think

you could ever act that crazy again?

I honestly don't think that's possible...