Original subtitles

EDDIE, YOU'RE NOT HELPING AT ALL!

I PULLED A LAT CARRYING IT OFF THE CAR.

JUST GRAB HOLD SOMEPLACE.

GRAB IT!

[GRUNTING]

EDDIE!

WHAT? I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE.

CLAUDIA?

HEY, GUYS, GET THIS UPRIGHT,

I'M GONNA TRY AND FIND CLAUDIA.

CLAUDIA!

CLAUDIA.

HEY, CLAUD.

CLAUDIA.

DAD, I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO SEE MOM RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S GONE TOTALLY CRAZY.

MOM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAITING FOR MY TOAST.

THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.

YES, THERE IS.

MOM, WANT SOME BUTTER?

AUUGH! NO! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

YEP, SHE'S A NUTJOB.

CLAUDIA?

CLAUDIA.

CLAUDIA?

CLAUDIA.

HEY, DAD, THERE'S NO SIGN OF HER.

[SIGHS]

SHE'S NOT IN THE SHOWER.

I CHECKED.

THANKS, ED.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK THE CAR FOR MY BOX CUTTER.

UH...

CLAUDIA, WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

I JUST...

PUKED, AND I DECIDED TO GET SOME AIR.

YOU'RE SMOKING AGAIN?

OK, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN SMOKING ONE CIGARETTE AND SMOKING.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO YOU'RE BUYING THEM IN THE CONVENIENT ONE-PACK THEN.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, SEAN? YOU USED TO SMOKE.

YEAH, DAD, USED TO, OK? 10 YEARS AGO.

OHH, MAN. GOOEY GUMDROPS.

MMM. HA HA HA HA! YOU GO BACK. WHOO!

MOMMY, LOOK AT ME. I'M A GROWNUP.

WE MADE A DEAL, ALL RIGHT?

WE DECIDED TO QUIT SMOKING

BECAUSE IT WAS UNHEALTHY.

OH, RIGHT, AND YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING UNHEALTHY, DO YOU?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FRIED FOOD YOU EAT?

AND--AND YOU JAM THOSE Q-TIPS SO FAR INTO YOUR EAR, I MEAN...

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO PUSH YOUR BRAIN OUT THE OTHER SIDE OR SOMETHING.

DO I SAY ANYTHING? NO.

I DON'T BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU ENJOY IT.

I DON'T SMOKE.

YOU--YOU-- YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

MY JOB IS INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, I CAN'T RELATE.

I MEAN, WORKING IN THE SUBWAY IS RELAXING.

YOU KNOW, WHAT WITH THE--THE RATS

AND THE PITCH-BLACK TUNNELS AND THE 40-TON TRAINS

SPEEDING 3 INCHES FROM YOUR FACE.

YES, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING UNDER THAT NAME.

YOU MOVED THEM TO TABLE 9?

YOU CAN'T JUST MOVE ANYONE TO TABLE 9.

HENRY, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

JUST HIT HIM BACK.

LOOK, I KNOW I SAY NOT TO, JUST HIT HIM.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING A TABLE

BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT AL PACINO.

[IMITATES AL PACINO] HOO-AHH!

I HATE EVERYONE, EVERYONE WHO EATS.

I HEAR THAT.

MAN, THAT CIGARETTE LOOKS REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW.

YOU WANT ONE?

NO, NO. I QUIT YEARS AGO.

MAYBE JUST ONE PUFF.

THANKS.

[SIGHS] THANKS.

I GOTTA GET BACK. SEE YA.

YEAH, SEE YA.

OHH, MAMA.

OH, BOY, THAT TAKES ME BACK.

I USED TO LOVE THAT FIRST DRAG

WHEN I GOT UP IN THE MORNING.

OHH, NOT HELPING, DAD.

MMM. HOW ABOUT WITH A CUP OF COFFEE?

OHH!

NOTHING LIKE A PALL MALL AND A SOFT-BOILED EGG.

I JUST HAD THE MOST EMBARRASSING NIGHT

OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

AGAIN?

Claudia: BABE, WHAT HAPPENED?

I MADE A TOTAL ASS OUT OF MYSELF

AND NOW DEAN THINKS I'M AN IDIOT.

OH, COME ON, HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, YEAH? I BELIEVE HIS EXACT WORDS WERE...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

COME ON, GUYS LIKE A GIRL WHO CAN MAKE 'EM LAUGH.

I'M GLAD YOU THINK MY PAIN IS FUNNY.

I'M GONNA THINK IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE IN ADULT DIAPERS.

THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE CHANGING THEM!

OHH, AH, SHE CAN'T TALK TO HER FATHER LIKE THAT. I'M GONNA GRAB A--

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH, YOU CAN GO HAVE A TALK WITH HER

AND THEN YOU CAN AVOID THE TALK WE'RE HAVING

ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SMOKING AGAIN.

OH, EASE UP, SEAN.

IT'S...HARD TO QUIT.

IT WAS FOR ME.

BUT THE DAY CAME I KNEW ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.

OHH.

OH, MAN.

OH, MAN.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WERE DEER ON STATEN ISLAND.

IS IT DEAD?

IF IT'S NOT, WE GOTTA KILL IT.

OHH.

OHH.

HOLY CRAP.

I HIT A DWARF, TOO.

IS IT DEAD?

IF HE'S NOT...

WE GOTTA KILL HIM.

I THINK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SMOKING CIGARETTES, CHEECH.

AND, EDDIE, THANK YOU.

I--I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTEMPT AT SUPPORT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

MY SMOKING'S NOT A PROBLEM.

I JUST GET A LITTLE STRESSED, HAVE A LITTLE SMOKE--

WHEN I GET A LITTLE STRESSED, I HAVE A LITTLE SMOKE.

I DON'T HAVE TO SMOKE, I JUST LIKE TO SMOKE.

YOU SMOKE?

NO! NO.

YOU JUST SAID YOU SMOKED LIKE 10 TIMES.

SISTER MIRIAM SAYS PEOPLE WHO USE TOBACCO ARE WHACKO.

HA HA HA HA HA!

JUST 'CAUSE IT RHYMES, HENRY, DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.

Henry: DO YOU WANNA DIE?

NO! NO, OF COURSE NOT.

BECAUSE IF YOU DIE,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT ON A SUIT AND GO TO CHURCH.

OK, LOOK, THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS JUST A COUPLE OF CIGARETTES.

OH, YOU KNOW, I WISH I'D HAD THIS INFORMATION

EARLIER THIS WEEK.

HEY, HEY, HEY, BABY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

HMMM.

GOING TO THE STORE. ANYBODY NEED ANYTHING?

I'LL COME WITH YOU.

I'M GOOD.

HEY, BABY. WHOAH!

DON'T DO THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT?

CAN'T I BE ALONE FOR A SECOND IN MY OWN BACKYARD?

SURE.

JEEZ.

[SOFTLY] Oh, crap.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

FIXING THE CAR.

OHH.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M SURE SOMETHING IS.

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY DOING OUT HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I JUST LIKE IT OUT HERE.

YEAH, THIS IS A REALLY HAPPENING SPOT.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? CLAUDIA IS PISSED OFF AT ME.

WHAT'D YOU DO?

HELL IF I KNOW.

I'M TRYING TO THINK.

HAS YOUR SEX LIFE CHANGED IN ANY WAY? NO.

ARE YOU HAVING IT WITH THE SAME FREQUENCY?

YEAH, YEAH, I THINK SO.

SHOULD I GO OUT WITH HER?

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU, MAN.

OK--AHH, MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF

IS LAST SATURDAY, ALL RIGHT?

SHE ASKED ME TO GO FURNITURE SHOPPING WITH HER.

OH, COOL LAMP.

OH, YEAH. IT'S RIGHT UP THERE

WITH THE OTHER 300 LAMPS THAT WE'VE SEEN TODAY.

SEAN, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

I'M HERE, AREN'T I?

WELL, COULD YOU AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE ENJOYING YOURSELF?

WOO HOO! WHOO!

OOH! I LIKE THAT.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? THIS IS HUGE.

AH, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

OH, COME ON, IT'S A CONDO.

NO, IT'S AN ARMOIRE.

OH, IT'S AN ARMOIRE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL IT, AN ARMOIRE.

[FAKE FRENCH ACCENT] OH, WELL THEN,

WE SHALL BUY THIS HERE ARMOIRE

AND PUT IT IN THE BOUDOIR

NEXT TO THE TOILETTE, HUH? HMM, OOH LA LA.

OH, GIMME A BREAK.

OH, MON DIEU! CHAISE LOUNGE! HA HA!

HEY, ENOUGH!

YOU REALLY THINK THAT WAS THAT BIG A DEAL?

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, UH, YEAH, YEAH. I DID.

THAT--WOW.

THAT--THAT'S JUST WAY TOO BIG.

OH, IT'S TOO BIG. OH, I HADN'T NOTICED.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO BUY IT.

I JUST SAID IT WAS NICE.

THEN YOU FOLLOWED ME AROUND FOR 45 MINUTES

TALKING LIKE PEPE LE PEW.

[RINGING]

WAIT, WAIT, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT'S WHAT?

WHAT IS THAT UNDER YOUR BUTT? NOTHING.

WHAT IS THAT UNDER YOUR BUTT? MOVE.

UH, LILY'S PURSE AND A CELL PHONE.

LILY! LILY! GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE!

LILY HAS A CELL PHONE?

I KNOW, DON'T-- JUST DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL--

I NEVER SAID LILY COULD HAVE A CELL PHONE.

YEAH. I KNOW.

OH, NO. OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH, NO, YOU DID NOT.

I--I HAD TO.

BYE. BYE, MOM.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

SEE YA.

[SIGHS]

HA HA HA HA HA.

WELL, HELLO.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SMOKING.

YEAH. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST KEEP THIS

BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, LIL?

DAD DOESN'T KNOW?

NO, AND HE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW.

COME ON!

WE'RE THE ONLY 2 WOMEN IN THIS HOUSE.

WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER.

OK.

BESIDES, I DON'T NEED THE DRAMA.

THANKS, LIL.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HEY, MOM...

YEAH?

I COULD REALLY USE A CELL PHONE.

WHAT?

WE WOMEN NEED TO STICK TOGETHER, RIGHT?

YOU NEED SOMETHING, I NEED SOMETHING.

OH, NOW, COME ON.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR DAD FEELS ABOUT CELL PHONES.

YEAH! NO, I JUST ORDERED.

I'M HAVING A PIECE OF BREAD.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS JOKER?

JUST--JUST LET IT GO.

JERRY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE,

BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

JERRY? JERRY? HOW IS JERRY?

HE'S SUPPOSED TO COME STRAIGHT FROM WORK.

OH, YOU KNOW JERRY, THAT S.O.B.

ALWAYS LATE. LATE JERRY. HA HA HA HA HA!

NOW WE'LL PROBABLY JUST GO STRAIGHT TO A BAR--

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HIT THE BAR.

FIRST ONE'S ON JERRY.

I GOTTA GO.

ALL RIGHT, TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE BYE.

[WHISPERS] Call me. Call me.

[KISSES]

RIGHT. DAD DOES HATE CELL PHONES...

ALMOST AS MUCH AS HE HATES SMOKING.

[WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE RING TONE]

HENRY, THAT'S GONNA GET OLD REALLY FAST.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT PLAYS 112 DIFFERENT SONGS.

[BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC RING TONE]

MOM, LISTEN TO THIS.

"CIGARETTE SMOKE CONTAINS CARBON MONOXIDE,

FORMALDEHYDE, ARSENIC, DDT, AND CYANIDE."

OH, WHAT'S YOUR POINT, JIMMY?

YOU WON'T LET ME EAT SKITTLES.

COULD EVERYBODY PLEASE JUST GET OFF MY CASE!

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[GROANS]

HEY, I WAS LISTENING TO THAT.

OH, GOD, I HATE THAT THING.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LOVED THAT THING.

WELL, I DID, ONCE.

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I LOVE, IT TURNED ON ME.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I GOT TO THE VILLAGE

AND I WAS OUTSIDE THE CLUB--

WHOA, WHOA! WHOA. YOU WERE AT THE VILLAGE

OUTSIDE A CLUB ON A SCHOOL NIGHT?

I THOUGHT IT OVER AND I--

WE AGREED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

HEY, MANDY, IT'S LILY.

I GUESS WE KEEP PLAYING PHONE TAG.

ANYWAY, UM, I'LL MEET YOU GUYS

AT THE SYNDROME AT 7:00.

CALL MY CELL WHEN YOU GET THE MESSAGE. CIAO.

OK, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UM, THE VILLAGE. DON'T WAIT UP.

I WON'T, NO, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

BUT, MOM, DEAN'S GONNA BE THERE.

DIDN'T YOU JUST SEE DEAN?

3 DAYS AGO. THAT'S, LIKE, FOREVER.

MOM, DEAN IS LIKE MY OXYGEN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THAT YOU BREATHE HIM?

IF I DON'T SEE HIM, I WILL DIE.

HUH.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S--IT'S LIKE SUDDENLY I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE A WOMAN.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT, WOMAN.

I FORGET. DOES DAD KNOW ABOUT THE SMOKING THING?

LILY, DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

TO HELP YOUR MOTHER INSTEAD OF BLACKMAILING HER?

NO.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

BLACKMAIL IS JUST AN EXTREME FORM OF TOUGH LOVE.

LOOK, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT THINKING OF PUNISHING ME

BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO BEAT

WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH TONIGHT.

LILY, WE'RE SO GLAD YOU MADE IT.

OOH. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIE.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, WITHOUT YOUR OXYGEN.

HOW'D SHE KNOW THAT?

MY STUPID CELL PHONE.

WHEN I PUT IT IN MY PURSE,

IT HIT THE REDIAL BUTTON.

MANDY HAS OUR WHOLE CONVERSATION ON HER VOICE MAIL.

OH, HEY, DEAN, COME HERE, MAN.

YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS. WHAT'S GOING ON?

NO, NO, NO! DON'T LISTEN.

[LILY ON VOICE MAIL] MOM, IF I DON'T SEE HIM, I WILL DIE.

YOU CAN'T TRUST WIRELESS COMMUNICATIONS.

IT'S NOT SECURE.

THAT'S WHY I TAUGHT MYSELF NAVAJO.

OK, WHERE'S YOUR MOM?

Eddie: GUESS.

OH, NO. OH, NO, GOD, NO.

CLAUDIA.

CLAUDIA! UH-UHH. OH, NO. GIMME THAT THING.

WHEN I'M FINISHED. NO, RIGHT NOW.

[STERNLY] CLAUDIA.

GIVE ME THE CIGARETTE.

THANKS, DAD.

IT'S ALL IN THE TONE OF VOICE.

AH, NOW PUT IT OUT.

OH! YEAH, SURE.

HEY, MOM, I DOWNLOADED A COOL PICTURE FOR YOU.

WHAT IS THAT?

A CANCEROUS TONGUE.

THAT IS DISGUSTING!

WOULD YOU GUYS JUST PLEASE LIGHTEN UP?

WHAT DID I DO, HUH? I HAD A COUPLE OF CIGARETTES.

I'M JUST HURTING MYSELF.

OH, NOT TRUE. I HURT MY BACK.

YEAH, I TWISTED MY KNEE.

I BLEW OUT A LAT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A LAT IS.

HOW DO YOU THINK THAT THING GOT HERE?

OH, GOD. IT'S NOT GONNA FIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH, IT IS.

WE JUST HAVE TO SHOVE IT REAL HARD. OK, READY?

[GRUNTING]

OK, I GOT IT. ANGLE IT, ANGLE IT.

ALL RIGHT. 1...2...3!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

WHOA!

GOD, THIS THING IS HEAVY.

IT'LL BE OVER IN A SECOND, ALL RIGHT?

ON 3. 1...2...3!

I BET IT'LL FIT IN THE BACK NOW.

JUST GO SLOW, EDDIE.

SLOWER.

IT, UH, DOESN'T EVEN LOOK DAMAGED.

IT'S BECAUSE IT'S POSSESSED.

[WHEN THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN RING TONE]

[GRUNTING]

OWW!

OH, GOD.

HI. HI.

OH, GOD, COULD I BE ANY LAMER?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

FINNERTY, WOULD YOU PLEASE COME BACK OUT HERE?

OK.

HEY.

HI.

WHY'D YOU RUN BACK INSIDE?

I--I JUST... I FELT LIKE AN IDIOT.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR PHONE NOW.

OH, YEAH.

BYE.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU ALL NIGHT, YOU KNOW,

JUST WANT TO SEE IF YOU'RE OK

AFTER THAT WHOLE PHONE MESSAGE THING?

OH, OH, THAT. [LAUGHS]

YEAH. SEE, THAT'S LIKE THIS THING THAT I DO WITH MY MOM,

WHERE I PRETEND TO LIKE SOMEBODY. [LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, FUNNY.

RIGHT. OK.

SO, DO YOU WANT TO DO ANYTHING TOMORROW?

UM...I CAN'T.

I--I DON'T WANNA HANG OUT WITH THOSE PEOPLE.

THAT'S COOL. HOW ABOUT JUST US, THEN?

THAT'S DOABLE.

COOL.

GUESS I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OK.

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!

I GOTTA GO CALL ALISON.

UH-UH-UHH, NOT SO FAST.

YOU NO LONGER HAVE A CELL PHONE.

THAT'S OK, I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND.

THERE YOU GO, PROBLEM SOLVED.

UH-UHH. NOT THE PROBLEM OF YOUR LITTLE HABIT.

I CAN CONTROL IT.

NO, YOU CAN'T! COME ON, YOU WERE HALF-NAKED OUTSIDE

IN THE FREEZING COLD JUST SO YOU COULD SMOKE A CIGARETTE.

HEY! THAT--THAT WASN'T MY PLAN.

Sean: OHH! HOLD ON A SECOND!

I GOTTA GET MY KEYS.

OH, CRAP. OH, GOD.

Walt: EDDIE! YOU'RE NOT HELPING AT ALL.

Eddie: PULLED A LAT GETTING IT OFF THE CAR.

[GRUNTING]

Walt: [GRUNTS] EDDIE.

I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE.

CLAUDIA!

CLAUDIA!

HEY, GET THIS UPRIGHT. I'M GONNA TRY AND FIND CLAUD, OK?

CLAUDIA!

CLAUDIA.

CLAUD.

CLAUDIA.

CLAUDIA!

DAD, DAD, LISTEN.

I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO SEE MOM RIGHT NOW.

WHY NOT?

SHE'S GONE TOTALLY CRAZY.

YEAH. SHE HAD THE TOASTER RUNNING...

UHH! DAMN IT.

Sean: CLAUDIA!

MISS FINNERTY--

SHH! BRAD, DON'T SAY A WORD.

W-WHY NOT? SHH!

Because my husband will know that I'm here.

Sean: CLAUDIA?

CLAUDIA.

CAN I COME IN?

YES!

OH, GOD--OOF!

M-MISS FINNERTY...

WHAT?

WE'LL GO SLOW, RIGHT?

YOU'VE DEFINITELY HIT BOTTOM.

THE KID NEXT DOOR IS YOUR PLASTIC REINDEER.

OHH, GOD.

OK, FINE, FINE. I PROMISE-- I PROMISE TOMORROW,

I'M GONNA GO AND I'M GONNA GET THE--THE PATCH

AND THE GUM AND THE WHOLE THING, I PROMISE I WILL.

I PROMISE. OK, GOOD.

OK, YOU JUST STICK THOSE Q-TIPS IN WAY TOO FAR.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL STOP, I PROMISE.

YOU PROMISE? I DO.

YOU BETTER. I WILL.

I'M NOT KIDDING. OK.

[SNIFFS]

I'LL JUST HAVE ONE WITH MY EGGS IN THE MORNING.

ALL RIGHT, CLAUD, ANGLE IT THIS WAY.

UNHHH! NICE GRUNT.

HEY, SHUT UP.

PUSH FROM THE TOP.

UNHHH!

OHH, OHHH.

ED, SHUT UP!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

NOTHING. NOTHING, DAD.

OK, CLAUDIA, LET'S GIVE IT A REALLY GOOD SHOVE.

UHHH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? CLAUDIA, I GOT IT, BABE.

JUST GO TO THE KITCHEN. JUST TAKE--TAKE A BREAK, ALL RIGHT?

COME ON, EDDIE, WE CAN DO IT.

UNHHH!

JUST NOT THE SAME.