Original subtitles

MMM, MMM.

NOTHING TASTES BETTER THAN AN APPLE YOU PICKED YOURSELF.

COME ON. I WANNA MAKE CANDIED APPLES.

IN A MINUTE. NOW, WHO WANTS CIDER?

NONE FOR ME. THE GUY WHO WAS SPRAYING 'EM,

HE HAD LIKE THIS BIG LUMP ON HIS NECK.

WELL, MORE FOR US, HUH, HENRY?

THIS TASTES FUNNY.

WHOA.

THIS CIDER'S TURNED.

TURNED INTO WHAT?

INTO GROWN-UP CIDER.

I DON'T LIKE IT. WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

'CAUSE WE HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF LIKING IT.

[DOOR CLOSES] DAD?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EYE?

I GOT PEPPER-SPRAYED. WHAT? ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, YEAH. YEAH, I'LL BE...I'LL BE FINE.

YOU GO OFF FOR A ROMANTIC GETAWAY WITH YOUR WIFE,

AND YOU COME HOME ALONE AND PEPPER-SPRAYED.

EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL WEDNESDAY MORNING

WHEN WE WERE GETTING READY FOR WORK.

[LAUGHING]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

IT'S NOTHING.

WEIRD DREAM.

[LAUGHING]

OK, OK, COME ON. WHAT WAS IT?

OK. WE WERE IN THIS WEIRD PARKING GARAGE.

[LAUGHING]

SEAN, WHERE DID WE PARK?

SEAN?

SEAN, YOU HAVE THE KEYS.

AAH!

[VOICES CHANTING] CLAUDIA!

CLAUDIA!

CLAUDIA!

I'M...I'M...SORRY.

I DIDN'T PUT ANY FOOD OUT. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS TODAY.

DID YOU PUT FOOD OUT?

IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?

THANK GOD.

MMM. SPICY.

CILANTRO.

CILANTRO ISN'T SPICY.

IT IS, THE WAY I USE IT.

SHOULD WE BE DOING THIS?

PLEASE HOLD ALL QUESTIONS UNTIL THE END.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN OVERWHELMED BY THE BEAUTY.

HEY, I'VE GOT YOUR BEAUTY RIGHT HERE.

SURREN--

SURRENDER, DOROTHY!

HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

PRETTY WEIRD.

YEAH. ME AND EDDIE?

YEAH. THAT...

AND...AND I JUST TOTALLY DISAPPEARED?

YEAH.

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S ALL THE APPLES, SO I GUESS WE'RE DONE.

BUT WE STILL HAVE ALL THIS RED GOO.

HEY, HOW ABOUT CANDIED BANANAS?

YOU DON'T DIP BANANAS, DIP.

WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T.

YEAH, SHE IS BAD.

BUT THE SWEATIEST PERSON IN SCHOOL HAS GOT TO BE MONICA BARRY.

HAVE YOU EVER STOOD NEXT TO HER IN GYM?

OH, GOD, YES.

WELL, I SAT NEXT TO HER BROTHER ONCE ON THE BUS,

AND HE SMELLED LIKE EGGS.

OH, HI. I'M SORRY. WERE WE TALKING TO YOU?

I DON'T THINK SO.

HAVE YOU EVER SMELLED EGGS?

IS SOMEONE TALKING?

I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

YOU WANT SOME JUICE? SURE.

THE THING ABOUT THIS JUICE--

GOD, IT'S STILL TALKING!

OK, FINE.

THIS IS REALLY GOOD.

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU LET A LITTLE DREAM BOTHER YOU.

IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME, OK?

IT SEEMED LIKE IT BOTHERED YOU.

IT DIDN'T.

IT DIDN'T...

UNTIL I TALKED TO EDDIE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NAILED YOUR WIFE.

WHOA...

YOU DIDN'T NAIL HER, ALL RIGHT? IT WAS A DREAM.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT WAS A DREAM AND THIS IS REAL LIFE?

MAYBE THIS IS A DREAM AND THAT DREAM IS WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

LOOK, CLAUDIA DOESN'T WANT YOU.

THINK ABOUT IT.

SHE'S FEELING LOST, EMPTY, ALONE.

SHE'S LOOKING FOR HER CAR. SHE WANTS TO TURN IT ON.

SHE WANTS IGNITION. SHE WANTS TO BE IGNITED.

BY YOU? BY WHAT I REPRESENT.

WHICH IS?

WHICH IS EVERY SINGLE, CARNAL, SCANDALOUS,

FORBIDDEN FANTASY THAT SHE'S EVER HAD THAT YOU CAN'T FULFILL.

[CHUCKLES]

TRUST ME. I CAN FULFILL HER FANTASIES.

YEAH, IF HER FANTASY IS BEING BORED.

SHE'S NOT BORED.

OF COURSE NOT. YOU GUYS GET IT ON ALL THE TIME.

YEAH, WE DO. YOU GOT IT DOWN TO A SCIENCE.

YOU BETCHA.

NOBODY LIKES SCIENCE.

BUT THEN IT HIT ME.

CLAUDIA AND I, WE USED TO BE SO OUTRAGEOUS.

OH, BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT.

OH, MAMA.

BUT NOW WE'RE MORE LIKE...

OH, BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT.

OOH, MAMA.

[VOMITING]

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN TO US.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WE WOULD GET INTO A RUT.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

A RUT IS THE BREAD AND BUTTER OF A LASTING RELATIONSHIP.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU AND MOM WERE IN A RUT?

AH, FOR 34 BEAUTIFUL YEARS.

YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE SO COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER,

THERE WERE SOME DAYS WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK.

THAT'S NICE.

YEAH. I MISS IT.

OH, JIMMY, JIMMY.

COME HERE. COME HERE.

WE NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR US.

YEAH?

LEAVE.

NO, NO! COME BACK.

WE'RE JUST KIDDING. WE'RE JUST KIDDING.

OK, OK.

ALISON THINKS THAT A GUY WOULD LIKE IT

IF A GIRL JUST CALLS HIM UP OUT OF THE BLUE

AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE LIKES HIM.

YEAH, A GUY WOULD BE COOL WITH THAT.

I TOLD YOU.

FINE. WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HEY, WHEN DID YOU GET SO CUTE?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

WELL, I'M PRETTY MATURE FOR MY AGE.

I'M SURE YOU ARE.

MORE CIDER?

OK, OK. SHH!

IT'S RINGING.

SHH.

UM, HI. JASON?

IT'S LILY FINNERTY.

I THINK YOU ARE SO HOT,

HOT, HOT,

HOT-OT-OT-OT...

WITH A CAPITAL "T."

I THINK HE LIKES ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LET EDDIE GET TO YOU LIKE THAT.

DREAMS DON'T MEAN A THING.

OH, YEAH? WELL, EVERY PSYCHIATRIST OF THE LAST CENTURY

WOULD HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH YOU ON THAT ONE.

WHAT DO THEY KNOW? A BUNCH OF PROFESSIONAL PERVERTS.

HEY, HENRY. WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

CANDIED CHICKEN WING.

WANT A BITE?

NO. NO, NO. NO, THANKS. NO, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, I HAD A REALLY WEIRD DREAM LAST NIGHT.

HENRY, CAN YOU PLEASE PASS THE PEAS?

I'LL GIVE YOU PEAS.

HENRY, WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

FATHER, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

NO!

I'M STABBED.

WILL YOU MARRY ME, MOM?

OF COURSE, HENRY.

I LOVE YOU THE BEST.

THINK IT MEANS ANYTHING?

UH, NO. NO.

IT'S RANDOM.

SEE? DREAMS DO MEAN SOMETHING.

I HAD THAT SAME DREAM ABOUT YOU.

YOU THINK THIS DREAM OF CLAUDIA'S MEANS THAT SHE WANTS EDDIE?

NO. NO. NO.

SHE WANTS ME TO BE MORE ROMANTIC AND MORE SPONTANEOUS.

OK? SO I WENT BY HER WORK, AND I DID SOMETHING...

STUPID.

I'M SORRY. I HAVE NOTHING AVAILABLE MONDAY.

LET ME JUST CHECK THE BOOK FOR YOU.

HELLO, CLAUDIA. SEAN, IS EVERYTHING OK?

BABY, THESE ARE FOR YOU.

THANKS. HOLD ON A SECOND.

I'M SORRY. THE FIRST AVAILABLE I HAVE IS THURSDAY THE 18th AT 7:00.

GREAT. WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

MY LADY, YOUR CHARIOT AWAITS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M FULFILLING YOUR EVERY FANTASY.

SWEETIE, I'M AT WORK. I KNOW.

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, I WAS GONNA WHISK YOU AWAY TO THE PIER,

AND WE'D HAVE A LITTLE DINNER AND HAVE A ROMANTIC EVENING.

HONEY, I...

HI. GOTTLIEBS.

YES, YES. TWO AT 7:30.

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT EARLY.

IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A DRINK AT THE BAR.

GREAT. THANK YOU.

YOU DO REALIZE I DON'T GET OFF WORK FOR 5 HOURS, RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S SATURDAY. YOU WORK THE EARLY SHIFT ON SATURDAY.

NO, NO. THE SECOND SATURDAY OF EVERY MONTH I WORK THE DINNER SHIFT.

15's OPEN. GREAT.

MR. HUGHES, RIGHT THIS WAY.

UH...UH, CLAUD!

BABY, I GOT A LIMO.

JUST GO HAVE A SEAT AT THE BAR.

THE LIMO HAS A BAR. IT...

LOOK, TONIGHT IS OUR NIGHT, OK?

COME ON. WE'RE GONNA GO BE SPONTANEOUS. LET'S GO.

WILL YOU LOOK AROUND?

THIS IS A ZOO IN HERE TONIGHT. LOOK AT MY BOOK.

I DON'T HAVE A MINUTE TO BREATHE UNTIL 11:30.

CAN'T YOU GET SOMEONE TO FILL IN FOR YOU?

WHAT?

YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, SOME PLACES DON'T EVEN HAVE A HOSTESS.

THEY JUST COME IN AND THEY HAVE THIS SIGN THAT SAYS "JUST SEAT YOURSELF."

SO YOU THINK I CAN BE REPLACED WITH A SIGN?

NO! NO, THAT'S NOT MY POINT, BABY.

I'M JUST SAYING OTHER RESTAURANTS...

LOOK, I GOT A LIMO!

EVENING, CLAUDIA.

GOOD EVENING, MR. SANDERS. EXCUSE ME, SEAN.

BABY, PLEASE, JUST GIVE...

MY BOOK, PLEASE.

MR. SANDERS, I HAVE YOU DOWN FOR 8:00 TONIGHT.

WHERE'S YOUR WEDDING RING?

I COULD'VE SWORN I CHANGED IT.

NOT A PROBLEM. I'M SURE I CAN SQUEEZE YOU IN.

WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING YOUR WEDDING RING?

THIS IS ABOUT TIPS, ALL RIGHT!

I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S TRUE. IF MEN THINK YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU GET BIGGER TIPS.

OH, REALLY? THEN WHY STOP WITH THE RING? WHY NOT LOSE THE UNDERWEAR, TOO?

MISS?

MISSUS, PAL.

EXCUSE ME. I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

IF YOU WANT A TABLE, THEN I CAN HELP YOU. IF NOT, I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE.

I DON'T WANT A TABLE. GOOD, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN MY BOOK.

GOOD, BECAUSE I'M...GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

I JUST MADE A BOOTY CALL.

YES, YOU DID.

A BOOTY CALL.

BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOO-TAY.

GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BOO-TAY.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAY I TOP YOU OFF?

YOU'RE SO SWEET.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I INVITED JASON OVER,

AND I LOOK LIKE CRAP.

YEAH, YOU DO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? IT'S LIKE I'M DRUNK.

HEY, WHO'S THIRSTY?

WHAT'S IN THAT CIDER?

APPLES.

THIS IS ALCOHOLIC.

[LAUGHING]

REALLY?

OH, MAN. WE'RE WASTED.

AND JASON'S COMING OVER HERE.

OH, YOU'RE SO SCREWED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CHUCKED CLAUDIA'S RESERVATION BOOK OUT INTO THE STREET.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

IT WAS AWFUL, BUT I WAS FRUSTRATED.

YOU GOT TO LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR FRUSTRATIONS.

OH, THIS FROM THE MAN

WHO SPENT HALF HIS LIFE SCREAMING AT APPLIANCES.

WHAT?

MENUS?

MENUS ARE FOR RESTAURANTS!

HELLO?

STUPID CORDLESS PHONE!

GIVE ME MY ENGLISH MUFFIN!

AHH!

I WAS HOPING FOR MORE FROM YOU.

WELL, YOU CAN BE PROUD

BECAUSE MY CONSCIENCE CAUGHT UP PRETTY QUICKLY.

AHH!

OH, NO.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WHAT'S THIS CITY COMING TO?

OH, UH...HEY, HONEY.

SEAN, CAN I SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN ALONE?

UH-OH.

UH-HUH.

RIGHT ABOUT NOW A RUT IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD, ISN'T IT?

CHECK IT OUT.

I DIPPED MY G.I. JOES.

NOW IT'S ONE BIG JOE.

OH! THAT'S TERRIFIC, HONEY.

HOW ABOUT IF YOU GO UPSTAIRS

AND PLAY WITH THAT ON SOME PLASTIC?

CLAUDIA, I...I...I...

SEAN, I DON'T WANNA FIGHT ANYMORE, ALL RIGHT? I CAN'T.

I'VE JUST BEEN THROUGH THE SINGLE WORST NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE WORKING LIFE,

AND I JUST WANNA SAY I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW I TREATED YOU.

YOU ARE?

YES.

I MEAN, YOU WERE CLUELESS AND KIND OF A JERK,

BUT YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC.

AND...GOD, I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE RING THING.

I KNOW, BABY. THAT REALLY HURT.

I KNOW. IT WAS SO STUPID OF ME.

I'M SO SORRY.

I FORGIVE YOU.

IT'S OK, BABY,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH,

YOU CAN JUST FORGIVE THEM FOR ANYTHING.

I STOLE YOUR RESERVATION BOOK.

YOU WHAT?

I WAS JUST SO MAD AND IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT...

YOU ASS!

HEY! HEY! I ACCEPTED YOUR APOLOGY.

WELL, WHAT I DID WAS FORGIVABLE!

WAIT. THE BIBLE SAYS ALL SINS ARE FORGIVABLE.

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!

THIS IS A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE THAN ANYTHING IN THE BIBLE.

WAIT. THEY CUT JOHN THE BAPTIST'S HEAD OFF--

OH, SHUT UP AND GIVE ME BACK MY BOOK!

I CAN'T, BABY. I LOST IT.

YOU WHAT?!

WHOA! YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANNA FIGHT.

THAT WAS BEFORE I KNEW WHAT YOU DID.

BABY, I LOOKED EVERYWHERE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

DID YOU CALL THE POLICE?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

THEY'RE PULLING A COUPLE OF DETECTIVES OFF A MURDER.

YOU THREW AWAY MY BOOK. YOU DON'T GET TO BE SARCASTIC.

BABY, LOOK, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF.

I EVEN BROUGHT IN AN EXPERT ON STOLEN GOODS.

TAKE US TO ASTOR PLACE, MY GOOD MAN.

HEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW THE BOOK'S GONNA BE THERE?

OH. YOU GOT TO KNOW THE CITY, MAN.

YOU WANT SCUNGILLI, YOU GO TO LITTLE ITALY.

YOU WANT A FAKE ROLEX, YOU GO TO CANAL STREET.

YOU WANT A REAL ROLEX, CALL ME UP. I'LL HOOK YOU UP.

BUT IF I WANT A RESERVATION BOOK, I GO TO ASTOR PLACE?

YEAH. EVERYTHING ENDS UP AT ASTOR PLACE.

IT'S LIKE eBAY...

ONLY IT SMELLS.

YO, YO, YO! CHECK IT OUT, LADIES!

WE'RE MULTIMILLIONAIRES!

EDDIE, THEY'RE FLIPPING YOU OFF.

YOU GOT NO FREAKING CLASS!

THERE. LOOK.

PULL OVER! PULL OVER!

HEY, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

HOW MUCH FOR THAT CRAPPY LITTLE BINDER?

500 BUCKS.

WHAT?

500 BUCKS.

COME ON, MAN. WE'LL GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS FOR IT.

PLEASE. YOU JUST PULLED UP IN A LIMO.

LISTEN, MAN. I'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK.

I'VE WORKED IN AFTER-MARKET RETAIL.

SO TELL ME, BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

WHAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO FOR US?

THE BEST.

FOR YOU GUYS?

TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO. 500 BUCKS.

NO! FORGET IT. COME ON. 500 BUCKS?

THIS BOOK HAS ROBERT De NIRO'S HOME PHONE NUMBER IN IT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE IT'S MY BOOK, MAN. SO JUST GIVE IT BACK.

JUST GET OUT OF HERE. HEY!

GIVE ME THE BOOK!

AAH!

OK, SO YOU SEE, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SUFFERED.

OK, I SUFFERED, TOO.

YOU SUFFERED FOR WHAT YOU DID.

NO, WHAT I DID FOR YOU.

WHAT YOU DID FOR ME TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME.

WAIT, BABY. I CAN'T FOLLOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

THIS PEPPER SPRAY REACTED BAD OR SOMETHING. IT'S REALLY...

IT'S REALLY DISORIENTING RIGHT NOW.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

WHOO! WHOA.

HELLO.

HI.

ARE YOU OK?

[HICCUP]

WHY? DON'T I LOOK GOOD?

WHOO.

HEY, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

NOW, KISS ME.

WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?

OH, HELLO, UNCLE EDDIE.

IS SHE DRUNK?

I THINK SO.

YOU GOT MY NIECE DRUNK?

NO, NO, NO. SHE WAS LIKE THIS WHEN I GOT HERE.

HEY, KID, I KNOW GUYS LIKE YOU. I AM A GUY LIKE YOU.

WHAT? LILY, WOULD YOU GO IN FOR A SECOND?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. YOU'VE GOT AN ACTIVE MIND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT FEELS LIKE

TO GET HIT WITH A TIRE IRON 40 OR 50 TIMES?

[THUD]

OW!

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

[GROANING]

UNCLE EDDIE, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHERE'S MY JASON?

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HIM.

HE WON'T BE HURTING YOU ANYMORE.

OH, GOD. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

I KNOW.

* CLAUDIA

EDDIE, THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME?

WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD 'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

OH, MY GOD. MY BOOK!

WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

NO THANKS TO YOU,

I MANAGED TO FIND A GUY IN UNION SQUARE.

I TRADED HIM A BOOTLEG CASSETTE

OF THE NEW PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

I DIDN'T. I GOT A BLANK LABEL ON A USED COPY OF CROCODILE DUNDEE.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU SO MUCH. MM!

I'M THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS.

SHH!

YOU TOLD HIM?

NO, BABY. NO.

CLAUDIA, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF DREAMS ABOUT YOU, TOO.

OH! ENOUGH, EDDIE. COME ON. GO.

MAYBE WE SHOULD COMPARE NOTES.

I MEAN, LIKE YOU, I HAVE A VERY UNUSUAL SUBCONSCIOUS.

YOU CAN GO.

DO YOU OWN A RUBBER BRA? JUST...

DO YOU? OUT.

THE DREAM?

BABY, I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS UPSET ABOUT IT.

OBVIOUSLY I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THINGS.

WELL, MAYBEYOU SHOULDN'T,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WAS WORRIED,

AND I WANNA BE THE GUY WHO'S MANHANDLING YOU

IN SOME DIRTY ALLEY.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON.

SERIOUSLY? NO.

AW, COME ON THERE'S AN ALLEY BEHIND THE LAUNDROMAT.

NO.

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING UNDER THAT LEATHER COAT?

OK, MAYBE AFTER THE KIDS ARE IN BED.

HEY. HEY, MOM.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE ALWAYS LOSING YOUR EARRINGS?

NEVER AGAIN.

WELL, THANKS, BABE.

[THUD]

HEY, UH, WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?

BEATS ME.

IF YOU TELL ANYONE THAT WE MADE OUT,

I WILL KILL YOU.

WHO AM I GONNA TELL?

STOP IT!

LILY, ARE YOU OK?

CAN YOU JUST BE QUIET, PLEASE?

WAIT. ARE YOU HUNG OVER?

NICE PARENTING, SEAN.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS IN CHARGE LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T LET HER GET...GOOD LORD.

WHERE'S THAT CIDER?

WHAT CIDER?

NO CIDER.

DO YOU GUYS THINK THIS HICKEY WILL LAST TILL MONDAY?

LOOK AT THE TIME. I GOT TO GO.