Original subtitles

WE ARE NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING EMBARRASSING, RIGHT?

MEL, IT IS YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY.

I KNOW. I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING I'M GOING TO REGRET.

UM...WILL YOU SETTLE FOR NOTHING YOU'LL REMEMBER?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HEY! HEY!

HI, MEL. I JUST WANTED TO DROP THIS OFF.

I CAN'T STAY. MY BABYSITTER JUST FLAKED.

NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU HAVE TO STAY. YOU'RE A BRIDESMAID.

YEAH! SORRY, NO SITTER.

LILY. LILY, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

GOING OUT LIKE YOU ORDERED ME TO.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT, UM, I NEED A LITTLE FAVOR.

FAYE NEEDS A BABYSITTER.

SO NOW YOU'RE ORDERING ME TO STAY?

PLEASE?

YOU READY, LILY?

OH! I'M SORRY.

WE DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD PLANS.

IT'S NOT A DATE! WE'RE JUST GOING TO A MOVIE!

I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A DATE.

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

WE CAN'T GO TO THE MOVIE. MY MOM'S MAKING ME BABYSIT.

Boy: WANT SOME HELP?

NO.

ARE YOU COMING?

ALL RIGHT.

HERE. THANKS.

SO, WHERE ARE SEAN AND THE BOYS TONIGHT?

NOT HERE. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

I'M SURE THEY'RE HAVING FUN DOING WHATEVER THEY DO.

Henry: I--I--I CAN'T KEEP RUNNING, DAD!

Dad: YOU'VE GOT TO!

OH! OW!

I JUST GOT HIT WITH A SNO-CONE!

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

STOP THROWING FOOD AT ME!

COME ON IN, GIRLS. THE WATER IS ALCOHOL.

I SAW YOUR X-RATED CAKE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

SHH! DON'T TELL MEL. IT IS A SURPRISE.

[LAUGHS] YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

I GOT A STRIPPER. [GASPS]

SHE SO DOESN'T WANT A STRIPPER. THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT!

I KNOW.

I ALMOST FORGOT WHAT THIS WAS LIKE.

YOU KNOW, GIRLS' NIGHT AND ONE NAKED MAN FOR HIRE.

HEY, CLAUD, I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

JUST PRETEND I'M NOT HERE, OK?

BUT YOU ARE HERE. WH-WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE HERE, TOO.

MOM! OH!

I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN.

WHAT?

AH, AN OVERREACTION.

MAN, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

Melanie: OH, HEY, SEAN, YOU'RE HERE.

LOOK, THERE'S THESE GUYS LOOKING FOR YOU OUT FRONT,

BUT I TOLD THEM YOU WEREN'T HERE.

DID THEY LEAVE? NO.

OH, NO! NO! NO!

WAIT, WHAT GUYS?

NO! AAH! OH, THIS IS NOT GOOD.

SEAN, WHAT IS GOING ON?

UH...I MAY HAVE SCREWED UP JUST A LITTLE.

DID YOU DO SOMETHING AT THE PLANETARIUM?

UH...I DIDN'T ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THE PLANETARIUM.

YOU LOOK UP AND YOU SEE ALL THESE STARS.

CAN'T YOU JUST DO THAT OUTSIDE?

YEAH, BUT THIS IS INSIDE AND IT'S DURING THE DAY.

IT'S GOING TO BE FANTASTIC.

HEY, HEY, HEY. GUESS WHO LANDED 4 TICKETS

TO TODAY'S YANKEE GAME? FRONT ROW.

NO, UH-UH-UH-UH. LET ME SEE.

WHOO! FORGET THE PLANETARIUM. WE'RE GOING TO THE YANKEES.

Eddie: ALL RIGHT! MERRY CHRISTMAS.

BUT JIMMY HATES BASEBALL EVER SINCE HE SAW FIELD OF DREAMS.

I HATE BASEBALL, DAD. IT MAKES ME THINK OF GHOSTS.

COME ON, JIMMY, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. THAT WASN'T THE POINT OF THE MOVIE.

IT'S NOT A HORROR MOVIE.

BUT THERE WERE GHOSTS! HUNDREDS OF THEM,

COMING OUT OF THE CORN FIELD.

I KNOW, BUT THEY JUST WANTED TO PLAY CATCH.

BUT THEY WERE DEAD!

YEAH, BUT I THINK I MAY HAVE TURNED HIM AROUND.

SO, YOU'RE SURE THAT BABE RUTH IS NOT BURIED OVER THERE?

JIMMY, IT'S A MONUMENT. IT'S NOT A TOMBSTONE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THESE FRONT-ROW SEATS, HUH?

WHO'S BETTER THAN ME, HUH?

COME ON, WE'RE IN THE RIGHT-FIELD BLEACHERS.

FRONT ROW.

LOOK, FROM HERE, THE BATTER LOOKS LIKE A DWARF SWINGING A TURKEY LEG.

HERE YOU GO, JIMMY.

HEY, NUMBER 68, YOU SUCK!

DAD? ARE WE ALLOWED TO TELL THAT MAN HE SUCKS?

SURE, THAT'S WHAT BEING A FAN IS ALL ABOUT.

HEY! YOU SUCK!

YOU SUCK! THIS IS FUN.

HEY, 75, YOU SUCK, TOO!

THIS HOT DOG SUCKS!

THESE SEATS SUCK!

THAT AIRPLANE SUCKS!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! COME ON, ENOUGH OF THE SUCK.

COME ON, SIT DOWN.

WHOO!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL BRING THAT THING.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO CATCH A BALL.

IT'S POSSIBLE.

YEAH, RIGHT. DUDE, YOUR RECORD IS LIKE 0 FOR 100.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT IT!

I GOT IT!

I GOT IT!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. NO. TODAY IS MY LUCKY DAY.

I CAN FEEL IT.

YANKEES!

[NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS]

YOU SUCK!

AH, AH! HENRY, NOT DURING THE ANTHEM, PLEASE.

* OH, SAY CAN--

SEAN, YOU BEING HERE TONIGHT, THAT SUCKS.

YEAH, WELL, MY NIGHT SUCKED, TOO. BELIEVE YOU ME.

OH, NO.

A TADPOLE LOOKS LIKE A FISH, BUT IT'S NOT A FISH.

NOW, YOU MIGHT THINK IT'S A FISH BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE LEGS,

BUT IT WILL HAVE LEGS, AND THEN YOU'LL KNOW IT'S A FROG.

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TRUST ME.

THIS IS A BACHELORETTE PARTY.

WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT TADPOLES.

MOM, THIS BABY WILL NOT SHUT UP!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHOSE BABY IS THAT?

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HOME. YOU TAKE IT.

NO. YOUR FATHER IS ON HIS WAY OUT.

MOM, BRAD AND I REALLY NEED TO CALM OUR NERVES

AT--AT THE MOVIES.

IT'S OK, BABY. IT'S OK.

WE'RE COOL, LILY. WE'RE COOL.

OH, GREAT.

HEY, SEAN. THAT CROWD OUTSIDE IS LOOKING REALLY UPSET.

YOU COOL WITH ME SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT OR WHAT?

NO, YOU CANNOT SLEEP HERE. YOU CAN'T STAY HERE!

I WAS ASKING SEAN.

LOOK, YOU PROMISED ME ONE NIGHT.

I WANTED ONE NIGHT. I WANT MY NIGHT!

BUT THOSE PEOPLE OUTSIDE!

WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? WHY ARE THEY THERE?

UH...WELL, OK, IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH,

AND THE YANKS ARE UP BY A RUN, AND WE'RE FEELING PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, COME ON, YANKS!

ONE MORE OUT, YANKEES! ONE MORE OUT!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? COME ON, WE'RE CLINGING TO A ONE-RUN LEAD,

THERE'S A MAN ON SECOND, THERE'S 2 OUTS,

THERE'S NO WAY I'M LEAVING.

COME ON. IF WE GET A JUMP ON ALL THE OTHER CARS,

I KNOW A GUY WHO'LL PULL A CHAIN DOWN FOR US.

AAH! NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT LEAVING THE GAME EARLY. NO WAY!

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

THAT'S MY BOY! LET'S GO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

OH, MY GOD! YOU FINALLY CAUGHT ONE!

GOOD FOR YOU.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT GOOD FOR ME.

THE BALL WAS STILL IN PLAY.

SO?

SO IF THE RIGHT FIELDER CATCHES THE BALL,

THE YANKS WIN THE GAME,

BUT SINCE SEAN FINNERTY CAUGHT THE BALL, THEY LOST.

I--I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

BOO! BOO! BOO!

WHAT?

NICE GOIN', IDIOT!

WHY DIDN'T YOU LET HIM CATCH IT?

I--UGH!

I DIDN'T--

I DIDN'T MEAN TO, RIGHT, EDDIE?

WHY ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME, MAN?

I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW YOU,

AND MY NAME'S MAURICE.

[CROWD BOOING]

I'M SORRY!

FINNERTY!

COME OUT! YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!

BOY, THEY REALLY WANT TO HURT YOU.

AND I'D REALLY RATHER NOT LET THEM.

MOM, IS THERE ANY MILK?

WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

IT'S THE CAKE IN THERE.

THE ONE SHAPED LIKE A LIGHTHOUSE.

THAT CAKE WAS FOR THE BACHELORETTE PARTY.

HOW MUCH OF THE...LIGHTHOUSE DID YOU EAT?

UGH. NO MAN LIKES TO SEE THAT HAPPEN TO A LIGHTHOUSE.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU TWO UPSTAIRS NOW.

WHAT? WHY ARE WE BEING PUNISHED?

YOU'RE NOT BEING PUNISHED.

GO, AND THEN TOMORROW,

YOU CAN DO SOMETHING REALLY BAD

AND YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.

OK.

I'M GONNA PLAY WITH MATCHES.

OK, NOT THAT.

MOM, FAYE'S KID REALLY STINKS.

SHE PROBABLY NEEDS HER DIAPER CHANGED.

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKIN'.

CHANGE HER DIAPER.

HOW ABOUT I DUMP SOME POTPOURRI DOWN THERE?

CHANGE IT.

BABY.

I KEEP TELLING JIMMY AND HENRY

TO LEAVE THEIR STUPID STUFFED ANIMALS OUT OF HERE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE MY MOM,

MAKING US STAY UP HERE IN MY BEDROOM PRETTY MUCH ALONE?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT SO BAD.

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S BAD.

I MEAN, I-I'M COOL WITH IT...

IF YOU ARE.

YEAH, I'M TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.

[BABY GURGLES]

BABY.

YOU DIDN'T LIKE THOSE CARROTS?

COME OUT AND FACE THE MUSIC!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

THERE'S, LIKE, 15 GUYS OUT THERE NOW.

THEY'RE PUTTING BEER CANS ALL OVER MY CAR.

OH, GOOD. IF THEY'RE DRINKIN' BEER,

THAT MEANS THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE

TO GO USE THE BATHROOM.

NO. APPARENTLY NOT.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[POUNDING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

IT'S YOUR FATHER!

QUITE A CROWD OUT THERE, SEANY.

WELL, UH, WHAT, UH--

SO WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN THE GAME? THE YANKEES WIN?

YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?

OF COURSE I SAW IT.

I'LL SEE IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES.

Walt: YEAH, ALL RIGHT. GREAT PLAY.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

ONE MORE OUT.

THOSE ARE MY YANKEES.

TV: SWUNG ON AND HIT DEEP TO RIGHT FIELD.

IT'S WAY BACK THERE.

IT'S NOT. HE'LL GET IT, HE'LL GET IT.

O'NEILL IS AT THE FENCE AND...OH, MY!

IT LOOKS LIKE A FAN TOOK IT AWAY FROM HIM!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

AND THE UMPIRE IS RULING IT A HOME RUN.

THE RED SOX HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD.

NO, NO!

SOME IDIOT GRABBED IT. THAT IDIOT GRABBED IT.

HEY, FINNERTY. THAT IDIOT LOOKS LIKE YOUR SON.

WHAT? NO. NO, IT DOESN'T.

YEAH, HE LOOKS LIKE YOUR SON.

NO, NOTHIN' LIKE HIM.

I'M SORRY!

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S YOUR SON.

I HAVE NO SON.

AND I WANTED YOU TO HAVE MY STOOL AT THE ALPINE

AFTER I PASSED,

BUT YOU SHOT THAT DREAM TO HELL.

CLAUDIA? MM-HMM?

UM, I DON'T WANT TO BE A JERK,

BUT ARE THESE GUYS STAYING?

BECAUSE THEY'RE KIND OF KILLING THE MOOD.

NO, THEY'RE LEAVING. RIGHT NOW.

I--HEY, THAT MOB IS TRYING TO KILL ME!

CAN'T YOU JUST SNEAK OVER THE BACK FENCE

AND AVOID THE MOB?

THERE ARE OTHER MOBS.

Henry: WHY ARE WE WALKING SO FAST?

I WANT SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACKS.

DON'T BE SUCH A CLICHÉ, HENRY.

THAT ANNOYS ME.

NICE GOING, JACKASS.

Jimmy: DAD, WHY DON'T YOU JUST THROW THAT BALL AWAY?

ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S A GENUINE YANKEE BASEBALL.

HEY, DUMB ASS, ARE YOU FROM BOSTON,

OR ARE YOU JUST A DUMB ASS?

HEY, I JUST WANTED TO CATCH A BALL FOR MY LITTLE BOY.

IS THAT SUCH A CRIME?

Jimmy: WHAT? I DIDN'T WANT A BALL.

YES, YOU DID, JIMMY.

LET'S JUST GET TO THE CAR.

DAD, THOSE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE REALLY MAD AT US.

THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE MOVE, CAPPY?

OK, GUYS, ON 3 WE BOLT.

GOT IT. READY?

ONE...OH, THANKS, EDDIE!

YOU LEFT OUR CAR AT YANKEE STADIUM?

I-IT SHOULD BE SAFE.

OVERNIGHT? IN THE BRONX?

LOOK, IT WAS A CAR OR US. I CHOSE US.

DAD...PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US.

UH, WE'RE HANDSOME GUYS, HENRY,

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, SO...

GET USED TO IT.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW HANDSOME I WAS.

THOSE GUYS DEFINITELY RECOGNIZE ME.

GIVE THEM THE CRAZY LOOK, THEN.

LIKE WHAT?

OH...OK.

[LAUGHS] I'M SORRY.

DON'T YOU SMILE AT ME, YOU BASTARD.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO COST THE YANKEES THE GAME TODAY.

YOU JERK!

HEY, HEY, HEY! NO, I, UM...

I JUST WANTED TO CATCH A BALL

AND GIVE IT TO MY LITTLE BOY.

DAD, AGAIN, I DIDN'T WANT A BALL.

UH...UM...

HEY, LOOK, GUYS. COME ON,

THERE'S SOME EMPTY SEATS ON THE OTHER CAR. LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

BUT WE HAVE SEATS IN THIS CAR.

NO, WE DON'T.

AHH. OH, THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.

Conductor: THIS TRAIN WILL MAKE EXPRESS STOPS ONLY

BETWEEN 125th AND 42nd STREETS. EXPRESS STOPS ONLY.

AH, BEAUTIFUL.

Conductor: ALSO IN THE NUMBER 3 CAR,

IT'S THAT MORON WHO MADE THE YANKEES LOSE TODAY.

DAD... UH...

D-DON'T WORRY, SON. JUST SIT BACK AND WATCH.

[WHISTLES]

HYAAAAAH!

YOU WANT THE BUTTERFLY?

YOU WANT THE BUTTERFLY, HUH?

HUH? WHO WANTS SOME ACTION?

'CAUSE I'M READY TO KICK SOME BUTT!

UH...

MY BEEF'S WITH THE LADY.

COME ON, GUYS!

JIMMY! HENRY! EDDIE!

DAD, UM, DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING?

UH, DON'T WORRY, JIMMY, RELAX.

REMEMBER I WORK DOWN HERE. IT'S JUST LIKE MY OFFICE, SO, UH...

WE'RE GOING DOWN TO THE N-R LINE,

THAT'S GOING TO TAKE US INTO QUEENS.

AND THAT'S METS TERRITORY. WE'LL BE OK.

I'VE GOT TO GO. IS THERE A BATHROOM DOWN HERE?

OH, HENRY, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

THE WHOLE THING'S A BATHROOM.

HEY, HEY, IT'S MY OFFICE.

DAD!

OK, GO AHEAD.

I'M AIMING FOR THAT RAT.

JUST DON'T HIT THE THIRD RAIL, MAN.

YOU WALKED OUR KIDS ALONG THE THIRD RAIL?

NO, WE WERE NOWHERE NEAR THE THIRD RAIL.

WE WERE ON THE LEDGE,

THE SAFETY LEDGE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHO IS IT?!

IT'S THE POLICE! OPEN UP!

OH, THANK GOD!

HI, OFFICER. THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

THAT MOB OUTSIDE, THERE WAS 8. NOW THERE'S 20. THEY'RE GOING CR--

SHH.

THERE'S BEEN A COMPLAINT ABOUT SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M AFRAID I MAY HAVE TO USE THESE.

WHY?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

I'D GET THIS GUY'S BADGE NUMBER.

[WHISPERS] Baby.

HMM.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, DID THEY WAKE YOU UP, LITTLE LADY?

[WOMEN SHRIEK]

WHAT IS ALL THE WHOOING?

WE HAVE A BABY UPSTAIRS AND WE--OH!

LILY. WHAT?

UPSTAIRS.

OH, THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME UPSTAIRS.

GO ON! YOUNG LADY, COME ON.

I LOVE YOU! GO!

GO!

WERE YOU AT THE YANKEE GAME TODAY?

OH, GOD. OH, HEY, MAN,

IT WAS LIKE-- IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE--

PLEASE KEEP DANCING, PLEASE--

THE YANKEES HAD THE GAME, YOU JERK!

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, RIGHT NOW!

NO! GET OUT, OUT!

WE WANT HIM TO STAY! WE WANT YOU!

GLADLY. WE WANT YOU TO GO. NO, YOU GO!

OUT! GO! YOU GO! YOU STAY!

I'LL DANCE, I'LL DANCE. COME ON.

STOP DANCING. WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.

CLAUD, LISTEN, ALL RIGHT?

W-W-WE WE'RE KICKED OUT OF 5 CABS AND 2 RESTAURANTS.

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET US ON THE BUS.

WE WALKED ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE VERRAZANO NARROWS BRIDGE!

THAT'S THE SIXTH LONGEST SUSPENSION BRIDGE IN THE WORLD!

WE JUST WANTED TO GET HOME.

JUST ONE MORE BLOCK, HENRY.

CAN'T YOU SMELL THE DUMP?

IT NEVER SMELLED SO SWEET.

HEY, GEORGE!

[RUFF]

IT'S FINNERTY! HEY!

GET OVER HERE, BUDDY! WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU!

COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! LOSER!

WHAT NOW, DAD?

[CROWD TAUNTS]

SOMETHING A MAN HAS TO DO WHEN HE CAN'T RUN NO MORE.

SNEAK AROUND BACK!

SO, YOU SEE, CLAUDIA,

THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE IN NEW YORK CITY

WHERE NOBODY WANTS TO KILL ME.

OH, YEAH? GUESS AGAIN.

OH, WOW! HA HA HA!

THAT IS GOING TO DRIVE JERRY WILD.

I CAN'T WEAR THIS.

TRY IT ON.

NO, JUST TO SEE IF IT FITS.

I-IT'S CROTCHLESS.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, JUST TO SEE IF IT'S NOT TOO BIG AROUND THE SHOULDERS.

WALT, WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

FRUIT ROLL-UP. THEY'RE NOT BAD.

THOSE ARE EDIBLE PANTIES.

WHAT?

OH, DEAR GOD. I'VE GOT TO GO TO CHURCH.

OK, THAT'LL DO IT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, LET'S JUST GO TO BENNIGANS.

COME ON, GUYS. I'LL PUT THEM IN THE BACKYARD.

LOOK, CLAUDIA, IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING.

NO, COME ON. THIS IS OUR PARTY.

IT'S GIRL NIGHT.

WE STILL HAVE TO MAKE A WEDDING DRESS OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

THAT'S FUN, RIGHT? COME ON.

I'M INTO THAT.

I GOTTA GO OUT THERE.

WHAT?

WE CAN'T GO OUT UNTIL I FACE THEM, SO I GOTTA GO.

THEY WANT TO KICK YOUR ASS.

YOU GOT MY BACK?

NO.

OK, OK. PLEASE, JUST HEAR ME OUT. PLEASE. PLEASE!

PLEASE, JUST, PLEASE!

YOU PEOPLE WANT TO TEAR ME APART. I DON'T BLAME YOU.

YEAH, YEAH, YOU GOT THAT!

WHOA, WHOA, WAIT ONE SECOND.

ALL RIGHT, J-JUST HEAR ME OUT.

ALL RIGHT, TODAY HAD THE MAKINGS OF A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

RIGHT? I TOOK MY SONS TO THEIR FIRST YANKEE GAME.

AND MY WIFE'S THROWING A GREAT PARTY.

AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS AT YANKEE STADIUM,

I FINALLY CAUGHT A BALL.

WE KNOW! I SAW IT!

I KNOW, B-BUT I ENDED UP...

BETRAYING ALL THE THINGS THAT I HOLD DEAR.

M-MY TEAM LOSES. MY SONS HATE BASEBALL.

MY WIFE HATES ME, SO GO AHEAD.

DO YOUR BEST. TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.

BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE CAN'T HURT ME ANY MORE THAN I'VE HURT MYSELF.

DAN--

GOD!

NICE CATCH, MORON!

[TAUNTS AND JEERS]

HEY, WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

I WAS LIKE 2 SECONDS AWAY

FROM GOING OLD TESTAMENT ON THEIR ASSES.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

[COUGHS]

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I JUST GOT MY BUTT KICKED.

SEAN.

THERE WAS SO MANY OF THEM.

I TOOK OUT 3 OR 4, BUT THIS ONE GUY GOT ME FROM BEHIND AND...

THE POINT IS, BABY, I DID IT FOR YOU.

NOW I'M GONNA GRAB THE LITTLE GUYS, AND WE'RE GONNA HEAD OUT.

I'LL GO GET 'EM, MAN.

HEY! JIMMY, HENRY!

OH, THAT WAS KIND OF BRAVE. OW...

OF COURSE, YOU COULD HAVE DONE THAT A HALF HOUR AGO.

I DON'T THINK WE CAN STILL SALVAGE THIS THING.

I, UM, FORGOT MY HANDCUFFS.

OH, YES, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, OFFICER.

UH, YEAH, WE PAID A DEPOSIT.

GET OVER THERE AND TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

IS HE LEAVING?

YES, YES, HE IS.

I'M LEAVING.

COME ON, GUYS! [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

MOM, WHAT'S THAT POLICEMAN DOING?

BYE-BYE!

OH, HEY, JIMMY, JUST A SEC.

LOOK, I KNOW I GOT THIS THING IN A SCREWED-UP WAY,

BUT IT IS A GENUINE YANKEE BASEBALL.

AND THE ONE THAT COST THEM THE GAME.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS AN UNBELIEVABLE CATCH.

YEAH.

WELL, THE POINT IS, UH...

MY WHOLE LIFE I WANTED ONE OF THESE.

BUT NOW I WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

I GUESS IT'S KIND OF COOL.

THANKS, DAD.

HEY, HENRY, CATCH!

OH, NO, JIMMY! IT'S NOT A TOY. DON'T PLAY CATCH WITH IT.

IT BELONGS ON THE MANTEL!

UH, HENRY! NO, PUT IT DOWN!

OH, NO, IT'S GOING IN THE STORM DRAIN!

I WENT ALL THE WAY TO THE EROTIC BAKERY

AND SPENT A FORTUNE ON THIS CAKE, AND THEY BARELY TOUCHED IT.

WELL, MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE MARRIED NOW,

AND THEY'RE NOT AS EXCITED ABOUT CAKE AS THEY USED TO BE.

WELL, I ENJOY A GOOD CAKE.

ARE YOU HUNGRY NOW?

[GIGGLING]

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE ALPINE

TO SEE IF I STILL HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

HEY, UM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS CAKE OVER THERE?

IT'S DELICIOUS.

REALLY? THAT'S NICE.

THIS'LL REALLY GET ME IN GOOD WITH THE FELLAS.

YEAH, THE GUYS'LL LOVE IT.

YEAH. THANKS.