All language subtitles for Chameleon Street 1989 DVDRip x264-HANDJOB_track4_[eng]

Have you thought about

what you are going to do
on the outside?

Hmmmm

Let me put it
this way,

once you get out

will there be
any more of these?

No, no. I'm through.
No more.

No more
impersonations.

No,
enough is enough.

I don't believe you.

Would I lie?

I don't think
you're necessarily lying.

I don't think you're in
control of what you do or say.

I think you behave
in complementarity.

Okay.

Do you know
what that means?

No.

That means you intuit
what another person needs

and then you become
that need.

Like right now, you know my job
is to diagnose your neuroses.

Neuroses are red,
neuroses are blue.

Sit down...!

Gotta be tight-!

Shut up!

For the first time tight-!

Don't cross me...

As tight as the paint on these
walls...! Look at him...

The Chameleon
is about to confess.

I think
therefore I scam.

I think
the air is sweet.

I know
not what I am.

I am Chameleon Street.

Autumn, 1978.

Mary Hartman,
Mary Hartman is out.

Mork and Mindy are in.

Platform shoes and eight track
audio tapes are out.

Weddings and walk-mans are in.

As for my wedding,
I got the whole thing on video.

You can see it later.

As for the Walkman,
people ask me all the time,

what are you listening to?

I play the classics:

Vivaldi, Hendrix, Debussy,
Sly Stone, Sex Pistols,

Ipso Facto.

It helps relieve the boredom

when I'm installing
burglar alarms with Curtis.

Likes that-!

Got that
good hair, too.

You like what?

I like girls with that
light complexion look.

Oh man,
you're a moron.

I can't help it.

What, being a moron?

Yeah, that too.

You're the first one

out there with a dashiki
talking that crap.

I'm a victim.

Good hair.

Nigger,
you're so brainwashed.

I'm a victim,
brother.

That's your problem.

You're a victim.

- Yeah.
- Shut up.

I'm a victim of 400 years
of conditioning.

Shut up.

The man has programmed
my conditioning.

Mmm-hmmm.

Even my conditioning
has been conditioned.

But you know how eventually
conditioned hair

will go back to kink.

Meaning what?

Eventually you're going to end
up dating a dark-skinned girl?

I didn't say that.

But I would think about it.

No, but really, man,
she is fine.

You depress me.

What is taking so long?

Why don't you blow the horn?

Yeah, right.

And for the rest of the day
all I'm gonna hear is,

"what'd you blow the horn
like that

when I'm taking
care of business?"

We got somebody new
he's gonna hire.

What,
that white boy?

Rick.

- Oh, great.
- Rick.

When you meet him
I hope you don't say,

well, hello white boy.

Just say hello Rick.

Hey, man, I thought this
was an all black thing.

So did you all have
a honeymoon, man?

No, we had
a moneymoon.

A moneymoon!
What's that?

A moneymoon is where instead
of getting your own place

and traveling somewhere
far away,

you stay at my parents' house
and travel over to the mall

and open charge accounts
at Neiman-Marcus,

Bonwit Tellers
and Saks Fifth Avenue.

A moneymoon.

Great.
Thanks for making my day.

- Thank you.
- What?

What'd you blow the horn
like that for?

What?!

Now...

Aw, man- he ain't
gonna say nothin.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Five dollars
say he don't say squat.

Bet.

You're on.

Lay it up. Lay it UP-
Lay it up.

My money's good.

That's okay.

You're gonna be askin' me
for lunch money today, buddy.

Oh, I need some money Curtis.

Yeah.
Everybody needs money.

I need some money.

Man, there's lots of ways
to make money.

You need to start taking
advantage of your opportunities.

I mean, you could
sell your blood.

Sell my blood?

Right.

Eight dollars a pint.

Sell my blood?

Man...

The blood bank.

Sell my blood.

I'll never get that low.

I've done it.

Yeah, like that's
some criteria.

You drink sterno.

Working for my father's
burglar alarm company

was like earning slave wages
in the ninth circle of hell.

We spend all our time making
cheap bets with chump change.

I don't know who
was more predictable,

the J-O-B or my D-A-D.

Here he comes.

Why don't you give me
the money right now?

Watch.

What'd you blow the horn
like that for

while I'm taking
care of business?

Thank you.

Yeah.

I married Gabrielle
in the spring of 1978

when the dogwood
was in blossom.

Speaking of dogs,

I'd like you to meet Darlene,
my first wife.

She was the living
personification of the question:

Is there life after TV?

Kiss my ass.

All I said was, "May I have
my breakfast now, honey?"

Kiss my ass.

This is home video I shot
of Gabrielle

rehearsing for a stage show
put on by Delta Theta Sigma.

That's Gabrielle.

She's a Georgia peach
but we met in North Carolina

on Bennett's campus.

Gabrielle had fine assets.

Assets that Darlene couldn't
even begin to approximate.

For one thing,
she was a reader.

And so was I.

And sexually, Gabrielle
was responsive with a capital R.

A girl who reads
Gwendolyn Brooks

and kisses me like
Soul-mate #1

deserves to be
my significant other.

So, any way- the 70s
ended with the deadly Ds.

Divorce from Darlene,
debt and depression.

Depression...

Two years later the 80s
didn't look much better.

Still living at home
with my parents.

Still listening to my brother
Darren chew his food too loud.

You see Darren thinks
he's a comedian.

He's about as funny as the last
scream for help at Armageddon.

Stop chewing so loud.

Now, you see I asked him
very politely

not to chew his food too loud.

Listen.

Get a job in a gas station.

Shut up, man.

I'm gonna sneeze.

Very funny.

But as different
as they were,

both Gabrielle and Darlene
sent me to work every morning

with the same message.

Make some money.

What?

Make some money.

Okay.

Hey, you guys,
this should be a gas.

We've got seven rooms
in hereto wire.

Pretty cool.

A gas?

Come on, Curtis.

Great. All the white boys
in the world

and your daddy has to pick
the most happiest.

Hey, the door, man.

This is boring.

This is boring!

Shit.

Yep. My money.

You gonna owe me
four more dollars.

Get me some money.

Wait a minute.
Let me try it again.

Come on, man.
I get my...

Double or nothing.

Get my money.
Ten dollars, man.

Come on, double or nothing.

Set it up.

Here's five right there.

- Get the four dollars out.
- Come on, come on, come on.

You can do it, baby.

It's your world.
It's your world, baby.

Come on, baby, come on.

Get me five
more dollars together.

Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, baby, you can do it.

You can do it.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

- Yes!
- Yes!!

In those days,

home away from home
was right here at the Trio.

We'd sit around
and discuss all the things

dissatisfied brothers
would discuss, namely money.

Sam has a better
understanding of computers

than I do because
you got a computer, right?

I got a calculator, man.

Shut up, Curtis.

It's really very simple, man.

Well, why haven't you
done it then?

Because I don't have a job.

But we all know that.

This'll work, man.

- It's got to work.
- Come on and explain.

Okay, they send the checks
to a clearing house

to check the checks to make sure
that they check.

Yeah?

What you mean
check the check?

Sound like a nursery rhyme.

Now, wait, wait, wait.

So, when you put that little
pinhole prick in there--

you know they have to be sorted
electronically, right?

Right.

Those optical characters
at the bottom of the check.

You put that little
pinhole prick in there

the computer can't read it.

So, it kicks it back out.

- A pinhole prick?
- A pinhole prick, yes.

Yeah?

It's really very simple.

Yeah?

Just like you.
Simple.

Have you done it before?

For the past three years.

You said that last time.

It's been working
like a charm.

Then why are you
wearing those clothes?

And how come
you ain't got no money?

This is my brother's coat.

Why don't you buy some beer?

Yeah, why don't you
buy everybody--

It's your turn.

Man, we need some money.

A kilo of weed a month, okay?

You get rid of thirty ounces.

That'll be $300.

You take a $125
right off the top.

That's yours.

Plus...

plus you can nickel
and dime, man.

You can nickel and dime any
miscellaneous buds you may have.

All that is pure profit
for you, too.

One thing though,

keep in mind that
this is strictly business.

Okay?

You come to me and you say
you want to make some money.

This is it.

This is your chance.

The question is,
what do you want to do?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, speaking from
a theoretical point of view,

the question is
do I have to deal drugs

in order to make money?

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Do you want to philosophize
about this, brother, huh?

Or do you want
to make some money?

Make some money?

Money.

I had met Detroit Tiger
Willie Horton socially

and he'd been
very nice to me.

My ex-high school associates

wanted to make use
of the connection.

For how much?

Twenty.

Twenty-five thousand.

Oh, you all
are talking stupid.

Now, you,
I can understand.

But Earl-
how you get so stupid?

Duh...

I take stupid pills.

You could write
the company back

and tell them they work,
stupid.

Can't write.

Too stupid.

Twenty-five thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars.

- They got the money.
- You know they got it.

You know they got the money.

And who's gonna write
the note?

You can count me out.

You're the one
with the words, bro.

That's right.

You know my spelling'
be off sometimes.

You know how
to spell extortion?

Eck what??

Can you do it
is the question.

- Come on.
- Right.

Here the paper is, man.

Come on.
I'll even drive you up there?

Drive?

Use your car, Sam.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

No, let's just stay here.

Relax.

Let's just camp out here.

To this very day
people ask me,

why did I send a copy of the
letter to the Detroit Free Press

and the Flint Journal
for publication?

Dear Mrs. Horton.

We have some photographs
of your husband

doing acts with several
different women.

We won't release these
to the press

if you'll pay $50,000 to us

before banking hours
close today.

Go with this man
and give him the money

and nothing will happen.

Signed Doug Street.

Okay, first of all,

I had nothing to do with
the note appearing

in the Detroit Free Press
or the Flint Journal.

It was Curtis.

Or should I say Judas.

That's right.

It was a publicity move.

I signed Doug's name and
I was going to sign mine.

But I thought it
was more effective

coming from one person,
you know.

The press adopted me
as a kind of media mascot

for a few days.

How does your wife
feel about your escapades.

Ah, ooh, yea...

I haven't talked to her yet.

No, you haven't.

Gabrielle was not pleased.

Mr. Street! Mr.
Street! Mr. Street...!

But I was getting into it.

After that letter
in the Free Press

I leaked to the media
that the whole extortion thing

was just a means to an end.

That what I really
wanted all along

was a try-out
with the Detroit Tigers.

I was even interviewed
by the Barber twins,

Denny and Dave.

Denny covered sports
for Channel 59

while brother Dave's Open Forum
on Channel 4

handled the big issues.

Why would you sue
Willie Horton.

From all the reports

you certainly seem
to impress the Tigers.

Have you heard from
the front office?

Anybody in Tiger management
been in touch with you?

You mean about a try-out?

A try-out.
A real try-out.

Ah, no-
No, not yet.

Do you think
maybe they will?

Ah, no-
No, not really.

Well, I'll tell you what,
Doug Street,

you've certainly got
a lot of moxie

and I hope things
definitely work out for you.

- Moxie?
- Moxie.

What's that?

I...
I don't know.

My producer gave
me the word and I...

I just tried to slip it
into the...

into the program.

I don't know...

is that like having
garlic on your breath?

I'll tell you what,

anybody that could pull off
a stunt like this

obviously has a lot of
determination and drive

and I think they, uh,
deserve a chance.

This have been the Barber Beat.

Oooh.

The seat got hot.

You know Willie Horton?

Personally.

And I know him to be a very
understanding individual.

Let's get another
record straight

while we're talking about
Mr. Horton.

- That rec...
- You never had photographs,

Polaroid photographs
of Willie Horton with girls,

did you?

Get the record straight.

That record...

Did you?

I beg your pardon?

You never
had Polaroid pictures

of Willie Horton with girls,
did you?

No, no.

In fact, had you ever
witnessed Willie Horton

cavorting with other women?

No, no.

Then why?

Please tell me why
would you concoct

such a licentious,
low-down loathsome lie?

My objective...

my objective was to...

present Mrs. Horton,
while her husband was away,

with something that
was so wrenching

that she would be panicked.

I wanted to press
her panic button.

And why?

That is not a...

this is not a big exposé
you're doing.

This is all a matter
of public record.

Then answer this question.
Answer this question. Why?

Why What?

...would you concoct...

I wanted to get the money.

Money!

Make some money.

Man,
we need some money.

For the money.

You're a liar,
aren't you, Mr. Street?

When I got home that night

I found out that Gabrielle
had the real evening news.

I'm pregnant.

The Willie Horton
fiasco changed my life.

It would have changed even more
if they'd have pressed charges.

You know, if it hadn't been
for Curtis

my first escapade
would have gotten over.

I decided to try
the sports world again.

But this time
as a reporter from TIME.

I had all her
personal statistics

in the first ten minutes.

Height, 6 '2 ".

Weight, 165.

Feet, 13.

IQ, 178.

She and her twin sister, Pam,
had already carved a place

for themselves
in women's basketball.

They'd gone to the Olympics,
been on the cover of Jet.

And a collection
of Paula's poetry

was about to be published.

The way I figured it,
an interview with Paula McGee

could be sold to TIME Magazine
for $2,000.

She was brimming over
with the four Bs.

Black, brains,
beauty, basketball.

All in one delectable
6'2" package.

Oh, lord, if I could just
rap to her like Barry White.

Oh Paula, let me pull
on your pink panties.

And baby,
your pert pagodas perched

like two firm pears
in my fruit salad.

Got that maraschino
cherry, baby.

They peek at me so prettily

from underneath your
polyester Givenchy.

I began to subtly steer
the conversation

into her personal life.

Of course,
they key word is subtle.

Have you ever
had an orgasm?

What's that have to do
with the cover story?

Well, you know
the big picture.

Oh... oh, well.

It's funny you
should bring that up.

Because just the other I was
talking to a friend of mine

about how women
fake orgasms.

And I think that's crazy.

Yeah.

I love the haiku form.

It's so pure.

Paula had told her
secretary, Melissa,

to hold all appointments.

This one's called feet.

Your feet stink.

Your mind is rank.

I hate the way
you're shaped like a tank.

What do you think?

Hmm.

Maybe you should
stop the tape.

Why?

Because I don't want
to sound like I'm desperate.

Because I'm not.

Maybe you are.

No.

Hmmm.

I even thought about
going on the Love Connection.

Love...that date...

that TV dating game show?

Yeah, but then I say
if I go on the show

and I say the reason I'm here

basically is because
I don't have anybody to date,

then it looks like
I'm desperate.

- No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does.

I eat chitlins.

The chitlins eat me.

Get me a stomach pump.

So what do you think?

I don't believe this.

Here she is with the world
at her feet

and she can't find
a decent guy to date?

Uh-uh.
Something's wrong.

After three hours
I begin to fantasize

about this
extraordinary woman.

In another age she would
have been a warrior goddess.

An African Amazon.

Oh, go on and
Serenghetti me, baby.

I've got something
I need you to see.

I need you to come out here.

Right.

Paula excused herself
and I sat there...

and sat there...

and sat there
blowing smoke rings.

I had misspelled
the word "right".

And...
whatchamacallum...

“Melissa, who wrote
such dumb-ass poetry.

She was smart enough
to call TIME headquarters

and ask for
a personel confirmation.

When I married you
I didn't think you were stupid.

I can't stand stupid men.

I can't stand
stupid people, period.

Only a moron would send a letter
with a misspelling like that.

Did you watch your
soap operas today?

And see, you're cutting
into my soap time

and I don't allow that.
- Which one did you watch?

Which do you think?

Erica of course.

Erica?

- Susan Lucci, Susan Lucci.
- Susan Lucci, Susan Lucci.

I don't know why you waste
your time watching that stuff.

Well, it'd make
about as much sense

as telling people one lie
after another.

I took her to a restaurant
so she would stop pouting.

Babe loves to pout.

She's the pouting princess.

What?

I said I hate asparagus
that taste like leather.

Oh, you just don't
like vegetables.

That's not true.

I married you.

And I married you,
Mr. Potato Head.

- You know honey...
- Hmm?

I've been thinking.

You could enroll at
the University of Michigan

and study medicine.

Hmmm.

You've been thinking'.
That's dangerous.

You'd like to be a doctor's wife,
wouldn't you?

Yes.

You take care of the patients

and I'll take care
of the pennies.

What pennies?

Neiman-Marcus takes
care of all our pennies.

Or Bonwit Tellers.

Yes, or Saks Fifth Avenue.

You want another beer?

No, I'm fine.

You are extremely fine.

And you know it, too,
don't you?

Excuse me, miss?

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah.

I'd like another
Michelob light and...

you want anything else?

Yes, two pieces
of pecan pie, please.

Two'?

Will there be anything else?

She also wants
one lifetime charge account

at Lane Bryant.

Yes, thank you.

I thought you were going
to watch your figure?

lam...

Watching it get big.

You know, when you
really think about it,

you're the one responsible
for my overeating.

You put me under a lot of strain
with what you've been doing.

Hmm.

Well, you know if I'd wanted
to marry a big fat

greasy chocolate doughnut-eating
hostess cupcake,

twinkie lard elbow woman,
I could have married Joyce.

If I ever got that big
there'd just be...

- That much more of me to love.
- That much more of me to love.

All right.

Well?

Baby, I would divorce you
so quick your head would spin.

You wouldn't.

Hmm.

Would you really?

Well, why don't you put on
50 pounds and find out.

You're awful.

My middle name.

One Michelob light.

Hmm.

And two pieces
of pecan pie.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

Excuse me,

but I was just sitting over
there admiring your dress.

Thank you.

It's nice to see
some class in this dump.

Don't you know
Michelob is for white men?

And you know that the
white man runs this world?

What? ls that what it says
on the label?

How much?

How much what?

How much what-?!

Come on, cut the comedy.

The bitch is fine.

And I'm willing to pay
through the nose

when the ass has got class.

Honey, come on,
take a drink here.

Come on.

You know what I mean,
porch monkey?

You did say more funky?

That is what he said isn't it,
more funky?

Not porch money.
More funky.

Hey, hey, hey-

Why don't get, get around.

Are you crazy?

Nigger, get your nasty
black hands off of me.

If he thinks he can just
like come in here and...

Fuckin' let go!!

You know,
that's a very nasty word.

But what's really,
pardon the expression,

fucked up is your grammar.

'Fuckin' let go'.

You can't say that.

You know the rules of grammar
apply to profanity as well.

The word fuck comes from
the German root, ficken,

which means to strike.

It's a verb and can be used
in a variety of ways

both transitive
and intransitive.

For example,
simple aggression.

Fuck you.

Or simple confusion,
what the fuck is goin' on here?

And then there's apathy.

Who gives a fuck?

And then there's ignorance,

which is very appropriate
for you.

Duh...

Marty,
call the police.

I can deal with
this asshole.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
Defiance.

The fuck you can.

I ain't gonna take this
shit from you.

Oh, authority!?
Shut the fuck up.

And you can say it
four different ways.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Now, see, these are all the
things you could have said

if you weren't so unbelievably
coarse and crude

and countrified.

That's alliteration, babe.

And remember, peckerwood,

profanity is the last refuge
of the ignorant,

the insensitive
and the illiterate.

But if you're going to use it,
and I can see you are,

at least get the fuckin'
grammar right, moron.

Let's see your muscle,
'stead of your mouth.

Come on, boy.

Get up.

Instant replay.

Dumb broad asked me
the other day,

why didn't you punch out
that peckerwood?

I said
because I was unconscious

you extremely stupid bitch.

I had so many bruises
on my face,

for my next role I had to use
a little bit of makeup.

Gabrielle drove me
to the hospital.

And it was in the hospital

that one of my ideas
was pushed over the edge.

Let me be
perfectly honest with you.

Your credentials are just
too amazing to believe.

You know,
this is the first time

we've ever had an intern transfer
here from Harvard Med.

It's quite an honor.

I considered Harvard myself.

Listen, why don't I explain

how the transitional
internship works?

Then we can give you
a little tour of the hospital.

You can meet some
of the other residents

and see what you think.

Yeah, that sounds fine.

I'll just finish this.

There.

Dr. Street,

I'd like for you to meet
Dr. Doris McCulley.

Oh, how do you do.

You would be amazed at
the way doctors are treated.

Everybody's always
glad to see you.

Everybody always listens
to your every word.

And best of all,
everybody laughs at your jokes.

The intern knows all
but does nothing.

Now, the surgeon knows nothing
but does it all.

And the pathologist
knows everything.

But it's too late.

Her T-max was a 102.4 degrees
last night.

All right, let's keep an eye
on that temp today.

Get that ultrasound
done this morning.

She could have anything from
hepatitis to a hot gallbladder.

Have the surgeons
felt her belly yet?

No. In fact, I haven't
consulted anyone.

ER admitted her directly
to the floor this morning

because she's one of
Dr. Callus' private patients.

Fine.
I'll talk to Callus.

In the meantime,

let's get some information
on this woman.

All right, that's it.

Let's go get some breakfast.

It was too easy.
It was too easy.

Maybe you're
asking yourself,

well, how could he continue
to operate in Detroit

after he'd been exposed
on TV and all.

Answer's very simple.

People forget.

Of course, your wife
ain't exactly people.

And my relationship
now with Gabrielle

was an intricate
cobweb of lies.

You mess with one
they all jiggle.

She believed I was
a bona fide student of medicine

enrolled at Wayne State.

She loved me.

And where love leads
belief must follow.

After all,

we've got to believe
the ones we love.

All right, well let's
send Mrs. Crawford down

for a chest X-ray
this morning.

Okay.

And an AP and a lateral.

Okay, got it.

Okay?
Hmm, let me see.

Dr. Street,
are you on call today?

Hmm. That's right.
It's me.

Good.

Could you look at
Robertson in 481?

She's complaining
of some chest pain.

Well, yes.
Yes, I...

I'll...
I'll be right there.

Oh, um- would you like
a stat EKG?

Mmm...yes.

Yeah, I'll take a stat EKG
and...right away.

I saw the whole gang today.

You have a lovely family.

Thank you.

Dr. Street,
here's the EKG.

Looks like Mrs. Robertson
is in normal sinus rhythm.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm...Hmm.

Hmm.

Now, Mrs. Robertson,

tell me exactly
where the pain is?

Right here, doctor.

- Right there?
- Yes.

Mmm-hmm.

And have you ever felt
this kind of pain before?

No, never.

It came on rather sudden.

Rather sudden...

Feels like someone's put
a knife in there or something.

Feels like someone
put a knife in there...

Yes.

Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm. All right.

Let's just...
hmm.

Now, take a deep breath.

Lord, woman,
what's wrong with you?

Doctor, that hurts.

That hurt, doctor.

Do you see a disrhythmia
on the EKG, Doctor Street?

Ah...yeah.

Yeah, you mean this EKG here?

- Yes.
- Right, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Yah... it could be abnormal.

Apparently the key word here
was oxygen

which I ordered
for Mrs. Robertson

at the last minute.

And as Dr. Hardy expressed to me
the next day over coffee,

I was doing a very thorough
and professional job.

I think I'll stop by.

Just to see how
a Harvard man works.

You know there's a rumor
circulating around here

that when a Harvard man
makes his first incision

he doesn't use a scalpel.

He just orders the flesh
to part and it parts.

Like Moses and the Red Sea.

I'll see you in OR.

Forty-five minutes.

You've got a hysterectomy
to perform.

All aboard to hysterectomy.

Passing through flesh, muscle,
organs, non-stop to uterus.

All aboard!

I had visualized myself
performing surgery many times.

But of course, there's nothing
ever quite like the real thing.

I don't know if any of you
sitting out there

have ever out a human being
open before with two interns,

three nurses
and the resident physician

looking over your shoulder.

But you can take my word for it,

it's an unforgettable experience.

And people ask me
if I regret what happened.

Sure I regret it.

0600 - I begin to
notice odd details.

I like her bellybutton.

I've always felt that innies are
infinitely superior to outties.

But on the other hand,

her stretch marks
gross me out.

Can we begin?

Ready.

Scalpel.

Wilson, Brady--

I want you to note the speed and
dexterity of Dr. Street's work.

Oh, speed and dexterity.

What time are they
gonna show up?

Bovie.

I can't believe the amount
of blood in this woman.

Dr. Street has filled me in

on the latest gospel
on glove wearing

according to the powers
that be at Harvard.

Apparently, they've discovered
that surgical gloves

are more effective if they're
worn two sizes smaller.

- Next.
- Another hemostat.

Hemostat.

Tie.

Tie. Tie.

Why is this nurse
breathing so hard?

She's freakin' me out.

Either she can tell
I don't know what I'm doin'

or the sight of blood
makes her sick.

Wipe.

0620 and counting.

God, I'm drowning
in my own sweat.

Suction.

I can't tell what
Dr. Hardy's thinking.

Sometimes he looks puzzled.

Big retractor.

Sometimes he looks furious.

And sometimes he just
gives me a cold stare.

Oh Lord, I hope the sweat
doesn't' make my mascara run.

I'll be lookln' like
some kind of punk doctor.

Wipe...

All right, now...

All right. Let's...

Suture scissors.

All right.
Let's close.

Street, why don't you help
Wilson and Brady close?

Certainly.

And Street,

after the patient
is in the recovery room,

I want to see you
in my office...

immediately.

Jane, before I
suture this patient up,

please give me size
six and a half gloves.

I hardly know what to say.

This is really quite unexpected.

But I've never seen
a resident at your level

demonstrate such
surgical savoir faire.

All I need now
are some fuchsia pumps.

I'll go out and buy some.

Don't answer it.

Why not?

Two guys came
about an hour ago.

I think that's them.

I think that is they.

When are you going to learn
how to speak English?

Don't worry...
wait a minute.

Doug?

What?

You know if it's the police
I've gotta tell them the truth.

Who said it was the police?

Then why are we whispering?

You're not whispering.
Not soft enough.

How do you do?

Fine, thank you.

Are you Mrs. Street,
married to Dr. Douglas Street?

Yes, I am.

We'd like to talk
to the doctor.

Is he home?

Yes, he is.

Do you mind
if we look around?

A random security check
at the hospital

had revealed my true identity.

The state police
had persuaded

the young lady I'd operated on
to press charges.

Fraud with malicious intent.

You can go to jail for that.

I don't know about
the rest of these convicts,

but I didn't come to prison.

I come to study.

Have you actually...

Sorry about that.

I been wanting to ask you,

do you actually read
all those books?

Yes.

You know what puts
the frosting on the cake?

Uh-uh.

I understand them.

Hmm.

That's Eugene.

Eugene and I both shared
a mutual admiration

for Jack Kirby
and Steve Ditko.

So we'd get together
and trade comics, talk comics,

remember comics.

In fact, Eugene was
in Jackson because of comics.

He beat on his mother
until she died because...

well, I'll let him tell it.

So when I get home
and go to my room I say,

"Mom, what hath become
of my comic books?"

I used to always talk like Thor.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You used to always
talk like Thor, huh?

Yeah.

- I patterned my speech after him.
- Yeah.

Sometimes I talked
like Spiderman.

Or Daredevil.

Or Nick Fury.

- Yeah.
- Or the Hulk.

Of course, the Hulk really
didn't have too much to say.

No, not really.

Here you go, man.

Thanks.

That's right.

Hey brother,
you better wake up.

You sleep walking?

No, man.

This food is trippin' me out.

Look,
this watermelon is slimy.

And maybe we should stop
pressing license plates

and use these for...

...bricks.

You don't like
the rolls we bake?

When do you bake them?

Four-thirty in the morning.

Get a little hard
around suppertime.

A little hard?

You have a gift
for understatement.

Got somethin' for ya',
Street.

Hmm?
What's this?

It's hot!

Hey!

Naw... we use flour.

Okay. Well listen,
how much do I owe you?

It's cool...

I guess because
he was chief cook.

Smooth got a few extra perks:
TV, stereo, hotplate.

And the power to invite
a few guests over after hours.

He also has access to the best
Thai stick in Jackson Prison.

One of the guards,
Larry Thompson...

He would take you back to
Smooth 's cell after lights out.

Come on, man...man.

How's it been goin'?

You ready to finish
that game or you scared?

- Go on. Sit on the bed.
- All right.

My mama sent me some cookies.

You like chocolate chip?

Mmm...
how did you know?

Hey...

Where are you?

Their eyes were boiling
with hatred...

I told you
not to play with me...

...l didn't mean it...

Come on, Steve!!

You know, I been
real nice to you, ain't I?

Yeah, man.

And I appreciate it, too.

Yah...

Strange things happens
here at night.

Pass me that spud,
will you?

Please don't do it.

I said please...!

Yeah,
that's enough.

Please-??!

Yeah, I been
real nice to you.

But you ain't been
nice to me.

Hmm?
What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

Uh-oh.

You ain't crazy.

Say What?

Yeah...

yeah, man, like...

I'll be lookin' out for you...
you know.

Mmm-hmm.

You know how you can look
out for me, don't you?

I could smell his genitalia
as it wafted across the cell.

You don't even know me.

So put your pants back on.

Just put your pants back on.

I can get to know you.

I ain't even like that.

Y'doin it with
whatchamacallit.

That white boy I see
you hangin' out with.

- Aldo?
- That's right.

You're doin' it.

What's the matter,
you color struck?

Savin' it for all
the white boys, huh?

Why don't you get your
mind outta the gutter?

You know, I been
real nice to you, Doug.

You know what goes down.

Not me.

I don't go down.

I don't have to be nice.

Well, uh - what are you
gonna do?

Stop bringing me
hot rolls in the morning?

Here...

you take this joint back and you
keep that joint under wraps.

And you cancel my order for
Smooth's, soft, steamy, succulent,

accent on the suck,
breakfast buns

and I'll see you later.

'Cause I'm gonna
get out of here.

Where do you think
you're going?

I can take it if I want it
and I want it.

Uh-uh.
Don't touch me, man.

Mmm-mm.
Don't touch me.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, God-!

Man, what the hell's
the matter with you?

It's a...

I got a nervous...

a nervous disorder and it has
to do with my blood pressure.

It's all right.
I got it.

You got it?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Thompson.

Hey Thompson!

I've got a
nervous condition.

A new... new... new... new...

nervous condition.

You epilepsy?

Oh, no, man, no.

It's all right.

'An-

they say that I should be
on medication

but I don't like pills.

So...

it's all right.

What time is it?

Eight thirty, uh-

Time for you to go.

Smooth's philosophy was if
you can't lick 'em, suck 'em.

Whereas the way I see it,

if you can't suck 'em,
trick 'em.

Because of the trick epileptic
I was sent straight

to the big house psychiatrist,
Dr. Jonathan Hand.

This is all just a vacation
to you, isn't it?

Prison?
A vacation?

To you, yes.

It's all part of
your grand design.

My grand design.

You laugh.

You funny.

Does it say in your folder
there what my grand design is?

Have you got the blueprints?

Has anyone ever told you

your sense of sarcasm
is extremely strong?

Oh, yeah.

Has anyone ever told you

that white people who
get caught in the rain

smell exactly
like wet dogs?

This is fact.

Believe it or not.

I beg your pardon.

Where the...

I know, I know, I know.

But look,

have you ever been standing in
a crowd of white people

and all of a sudden
it starts to rain?

It's a very particular odor.

Extremely aromatic.

Hmm...

You like to use humor
as a smokescreen.

Look,
I'm so far ahead of you.

I know what
you're about to say.

I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're writing
on those evaluation papers.

I know that you're wearing
an incredibly cheap toupee.

I mean, I could sit here and
punch all the right buttons

and make you think
you're a genius

for correctly analyzing
this complex,

exotic notorious Negro,
but--

Notorious Negro...

That'd be a good name
for my autobiography.

I... I started writing
my life story...

notorious...

The first time I went
to Jackson Prison

I was there for nine months.

Mom?

Give me the phone.

- Mom?
- And don't call here anymore.

Mom?

And that's the way
to handle it.

But anyway, you're
not so far off, you know.

You know, I give people
what they want.

When I meet somebody I know
within the first two minutes

who they want me to be.

And I just cut the emotional
cloth of my personality

to fit the emotional clothing
of whomever I'm...

Conning.

Why are you smiling?

Now you see it,
now you don't.

We have a very good rapport
with all of our inmates here.

The warden walked through
with a group of civilians.

Would you look at
this brother here?

He's so busy protecting
the white woman

he can't even be bothered
with my escape.

It's freezing out here.

Amina is at Yale.

That's not too far away.

I've got $24.

I can get a bus in Ypsilanti.

The first thing I did

after arriving
in New Haven, Connecticut

was get to Yale campus.

The second thing,

get a collegiate
buppy haircut.

The third thing,
get Gabrielle on the phone.

What?

Don't ask stupid questions.

I can't come back because the
Ann Arbor police are after me

for the non-sufficient
funds check.

And I can't report
to my parole officer

because she'll lock me up.

I can't be a part
of this any more.

I don't believe you...

What?

Don't believe you're
in your right mind, Doug.

What did you say?

Will you put your mouth
to the phone and talk louder?

And even if you are

I'd have to be out of my mind
to get involved. I don't...

While I was in prison,

Gabrielle had become
a Jehovah Witness.

Said she was tired
of being a Baptist.

Now, how can anybody be tired
of being a Baptist?

Lord, have mercy.

Well, we don't see eye to eye
or god to god.

That afternoon I went to
Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast

to help get my mind right.

Hé-Ia!!

I love that movie.

Hello, cher monsieur.

After the movie
I spend seven minutes

persuading Harkness Hall
to let me have a room

even though
I don't have my ID card.

Next morning
I knew what I had to do

and I was geeked to do it.

Stopped by Goodwill

and bought an $11 corduroy suit
with patches.

I'm depending on you, son.

Could you tell me
where Harkness Hall is?

Yeah, right over there.

His name, Richard Dukes.

And he was made to order
for my ID.

Hey, some of your tapes
fell on the ground.

Duh.

Next morning,
8 AM, registrar.

Okay, that's Richards...

- Richard.
- Richard.

- Dukes.
- Dukes.

D-U-K-E-S.

All right, Richard.

Left a note for
Amina Tatiana in her mailbox.

We haven't seen each other
for five years.

Not since I split.

Thanks to Dick's ID
I now have total access

to the university's facilities,
including the library here.

But it won't be long
before the registrar

gets hip to this game.

I've got to get
another identity.

Quick.

Walking into the library...

Like walking into a cathedral.

I approach the librarian.

Excuse me, miss.

I always feel right at home
in a library.

Well, who have we here?

Jason goes to Yale?

I love the atmosphere
in a library.

You can almost hear
the sound of thought.

Can you hear it?

And at the moment
all of my thinking

is headed in
a bilingual direction.

Do you sweat much at night?

I shave my armpits every day.

Your friend is a real slut.

She gets laid by everyone.

Excuse me sir,

there's no smoking
in the lounge.

But I have been smoking
here for the past two hours.

The people upstairs

said to bring the ashtray
downstairs, sir.

There's no smoking
in the lounge.

As a matter of fact,
I'm taking that ashtray.

Merde.

I beg your pardon.

Merde to you.

What do that mean, sir?

Merde means merde.

Yeah...
uh-huh...no...

they invited me to this
masquerade ball next week.

Yeah, it's a costume ball.

And whoever
has the best costume

gets $10,000 prize money.

Shoot...

Gabrielle acts like
she's sorry I called.

I am sorry, too.

But when I get back to my room
Amina Tatiana is waiting.

And she wasn't sorry either.

Amina was from Kenya,
from money, from beauty,

and from class.

I was from hunger.

But she loved and excited me
in a way no other woman

has before or since.

You look
incredibly beautiful.

You look incredibly beautiful.

T.R.?

T.R.

Anyway, I just froze,
you know.

The only thing
I could think of was...

you know the skunk
in the Warner Brother cartoon,

- Pepe LePew?
- Mmm-hmm.

I... that's all I could think of
and just said Pepe, you know.

If I were a little bit
stronger in French...

if I spoke as many languages
as you do, that's what I wish,

than I could really get over.

Any
way, do you know who this is?

No, I...
I don't think so.

Edith Piaf.

I taped it off PBS.

I don't know what
the hell she's talking about

but I got the words
and inflections down.

So I decided to show up at
one of these orientation parties.

McLuhan... Platt

I'm telling you-

It was a good test.

-he has said many a times,
it's a wasteland.

TV's a vast wasteland.

I introduced myself
as Pepe Le Mofo.

Who?

Pepe Le Mofo.

I told them I was
a foreign exchange student

from Martinique.

I didn't have the Piaf
completely memorized.

But I figured if I got
lost in conversation

I could always start
accusing people.

Oh, I see.

My faculty advisor,
Mr. Shaw,

he sat me down
with a few students

who claimed
they could speak French.

Aprés moi, le deluge.

Aprés moi, le deluge.

Oui?

They all thought
I was French.

Trying to pull out their
high school French.

Everything was fine until
Raoul walked into the picture.

Raoul was a real foreign
exchange student from Belgium.

What the hell is
he talking about?

Oui?

No. Oui. No. Oui.

No!

How long do you think
you can keep this up?

This French façade?

What are you going to do
while you're here?

I'm going to crash
this costume ball,

that's being given next week.

It's being given in honor
of Fantomas Judex.

- Fantomas Judex?
- Yeah, Fantomas Judex.

The French rock group.

French rock.

Is it anything like
French kissing?

You want to come?

Oh, I've got 200 pages of
material to absorb every night

for the next two weeks.

But that sounds
very interesting.

Douglas Street,
the chameleon

at a masquerade ball.

Yeah.

I would like
to come with you.

All right.

Listen, I'm going
to come as the Beast.

Excellent.

You know,
from Beauty and the Beast

-the fairytale?
- Yes, yes.

It's typecasting.

And you should
come as Beauty.

Black Beauty.

Black Beauty was a horse.

Hmm-mm.

Black Beauty is you.

That's more typecasting.

Remember that
time we were in D.--

oh, there's your earring.

Remember that time
we were in D.C.

and those kids met us
on the street?

- Yes.
- And they asked you

-if you were the Black Barbie?
- I remember.

But Doug...

Hmm?

Maybe Gabrielle should
come with you as Beauty.

How did you know
I was married?

Nancy Bankoff told me.

Since I didn't receive
an invitation.

Bankoff.

Gabrielle wouldn't even
get a kick out of it.

She'd probably say
it was against her religion

to attend a masquerade ball.

What do you mean?

Look...
There's a lot you don't know.

Do you love her?

'An-

heard a great quote
the other day.

Woman inspires man
to create masterpieces

and then prevents him
from carrying them out.

Who said that?

Oscar Wilde.

Maybe...

The divine Oscar.

...she doesn't
understand what masterpiece

you're trying to create, Doug.

I'm not sure anybody understands
what you're doing.

Least of all you.

Hey, if I didn't know
what I was doing,

I couldn't do what I am doing.

True.

But that still doesn't
explain what it is you want.

Want?

If all of my dreams of beauty
had been crazy-glued together

into one perfect woman
she would have been like you.

Perfect.

Would you listen
to what I'm saying?

Don't you know that all my life
I've been going out

trying to find out
what this love's about?

You're married.

And that's what
divorce is for.

Oh, no.

To help you come up with
a definition of love?

Doug, that's like using
abortion as contraception.

Hmm.

You know, you're going to be
a very good attorney.

But could you like put down
the law books for a minute?

Why don't you try and talk about

what we can do in order
to stay together?

Oh, Doug.

Why don't you
talk about that?

Oh, Doug.

Don't...

That's what I want more
than anything in the world.

Mmm-hmm?

But in my heart I know
it will never happen now.

Hmm...
I know.

This whole event is
being covered by cable.

Look across the ballroom.

See that huge projection
of David's masterpiece?

'Marat Assassinated.'

The band members have
all taken famous names

from the French Revolution.

The one who calls himself
Robespierre, that's him--

He keeps encouraging the crowd
to chant Marat! Marat!

Like Marat was
some kind of hero.

These people don't even know
they're cheering a psychotic.

Long live lemmings!!

Belle...
Je vous aime, Belle.

Garçon!

Yes, sir.

I need a straw.

To drink le champagne, oui?

A straw.

I will see what I can do.

Merci beaucoup.
Va!

Accéléré.

Va...

Merci.
Merci.

Merci trés bien.

What did he say?

How much did you give him?

Five cents.

I'm cheap.

But I have class.

What did he say?

Roughly translated,
and I quote, "You skinflint,

you can take that straw
and go suck lukewarm cat's piss,

you transvestite," unquote.

Oh, I wish I could
speak French like that.

An old fag.

The guy who helped me
with my costume and makeup

also ran lights
up in the security booth,

Jack Pierce.

He let us kick back
there for a while.

Comb my face, baby.

“Jung

Good.

Open your mouth.

My, what long fangs
you've got.

The better to gnaw you with,
my dear.

And a lot of fillings, too.

More...more.

And try and get it in
my mouth next time.

I'm trying.

Oh...

“Jung

I'm happy-

Oh my god.

Uh-oh.

Minute's up.

What?

Happiness flies when
Gabrielle arrives.

Gabrielle!

Mmm-hmm.

That's Gabrielle?

Gabrielle.

Do you think
she'll recognize you?

I'm going to find out.

I abandoned Amina.

I haven't seen or heard
from her since.

But I still see that look.

Still see that face.

She doesn't recognize me.

Or does she?

By the time
the dance was over

I could tell
she didn't know who I was.

Enchanté yourself, Belle.

My name is Gabrielle Street.

What's yours?

Ladies and gentlemen-

may I have your
attention please.

The time has come
to announce our winner.

And the winner is Douglas Street
for his costume of the Beast

and Amina Tatiana for her
costume of Beauty.

Let's get them
up here on stage.

Doug won.
Where is he?

My husband won first prize.

Amina Tatiana?

Who is Amina Tatiana?

Doug?

Doug, is that you?

I don't know you

and I know you
don't know me.

so let's agree to disagree
if you want.

But as far as I'm
concerned

most people have maybe
two or three great moments

in their entire lives.

So, get it right.

If the moment calls,
give me the phone.

If the moment drops by tonight,
show him in.

Make him comfortable.

Set him up in the easy chair,
give him a cup of coffee

because I am definitely
into the moment.

He told me
"I didn't sleep with Amina."

I told him,
"That's a lie.

I can see by the way your nose
is flaring you a lie."

I agreed to nine months
of marriage counseling.

Gabrielle got a few things
off her chest.

...Bastard.

Answer me.
Answer me.

Do I love her?
Do I love her?

Do I love her?

There are men coming up
to me all the time.

They offer me everything.

Clothes, trips, jewelry.

She never cheated on me.

And she could have.

Time...

- And time...
- And time...

- Again.
- Again.

That hurt me so bad.

Don't get me wrong because
I love my daughter very much.

It just hurt me when
she had the baby like that

because I wasn't ready.

I know I wasn't ready.
I said then I wasn't ready.

And she's gonna
make me be ready

by having the baby
behind my back?

They say marriages
break down in bed first.

Ours didn't.

After we were married

we went to visit my aunt
in Burbank, California and...

we went on the Newlywed Game.

We couldn't keep our hands off
each other for the whole show.

That's just the way we are.

I think our sex life
is really outstanding.

Even though he does have
this little problem

with premature ejaculation.

Diarrhea of the mouth.

You know
I got three little letters

that'll solve all your problems,
A-D-C.

You hurt my feelings.

That's what they're for.

You damn bastard.
You no good asshole.

I don't believe you.

Are you through?

What, are you through?

You don't have to
go the gym today.

You just worked out.

Play 509
and box it.

I need more toys.

I need more toys!

Hi, Doug.

There you go.

New toy.
Black Barbie.

Happy now?

Gabrielle insisted
that my work

with the Detroit Human
Rights Commission

earned me a six figure salary.

That's ridiculous.

It was volunteer work.

Would I go to a blood bank
every Tuesday and Friday

if I had big bucks?

You know,
you could sell your blood.

Eight dollars a pint.

I've done it.

I'll never get that low.

I'll never get that low.
I'll never get that low.

Well, did you get it?

What do you think?

No?

Yeah, four or five.

Fifty.

That was good work
last night, Doug.

Thank you very much.

Let me introduce
my new associates.

That's Brian Whitaker,
a scholar and a gentleman.

Brian tried to help me out
in the end.

Vitamin C.

Goes out when you pee.

And that was the voice
of Roddy Pettigrew

in whom both
the ass and the hole

meet in perfect union.

Vitamin E.

Makes me sexy.

Hmm.
Take a lot of those.

A lot.

But that doesn't
necessarily mean

we're going
to win this case.

Mr. Marshall himself.

They're sending over
four corporate attorneys

to meet with you to discuss
their client's position.

Tomorrow at ten-thirty.

You're going to enjoy
this one, Doug.

Hmm.

Is that a promise
or a threat?

Mr. Street?

Speak on it, Mary.

Your ten-thirty
appointment has arrived.

Oh, is that so?

Yes, they're here.

Well, that's fine.

Take them
into the conference room,

give them some coffee,

put out the peacock tongue dip
and the gefilte fish.

Follow me, gentlemen.

Yeah?

How long are you going
to keep these men waiting?

Five more minutes.

- They've already been waiting.
- Five minutes.

That's right.

Another five minutes
will make it...

Ten.

That's right, Mary.

Can't fool you.

To an amicable settlement.

- Toast.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

Everything I did
at this luncheon

was calculated to give me
the psychological edge.

They each ordered
at least two drinks.

I ordered but I didn't drink.

The Chopin lulled them while
the alcohol dulled them.

I'll have beefsteak tartar.

Would you care for anything
to drink, sir?

Chablis.

Meanwhile, I quickly
analyzed my opposition.

That's Barrett on the right.

He's the head honcho...

made it to the top and
he's still dissatisfied.

He's got an ulcer,

which is why he went to the
bathroom about four times.

That's Jack Griffin,
Barrett's hatchet man.

You don't play with him.

Oh, yeah, this guy.

I didn't catch his name.

I think they brought this guy
along to be a distraction.

Came straight
from the dentist.

That so?

Had my teeth cleaned.

Oh... that so?

I have an appointment

at the tanning spa
tomorrow morning at six.

That so?

Hmm?

Did you say the tanning spa?

Yes.

Which one do you go to?

Golden Tones in Briarwood.

Hmm.

Is it very expensive?

Uh...yes actually.

If you're interested I can
get you a free guest pass.

Oh, no. No.

I was just doing
a little research.

On what?

White people.

It amazes me that
whites avidly seek after

all the accoutrements
of black style.

You pickle your bodies in
gallons of tanning lotion.

You broil your pale flesh brown
in the tanning spas

at great expense.

And all the while maintaining
such a marvelous contempt

for black people.

Oh, you wiley Caucasians.

Here's to you.

Yep... mm hm.

Well, I'll tell you,
you were phenomenal.

You absolutely were phenomenal.

Well...

I love the way you handled
those corporate attorneys.

Four corporate attorneys.

- Four.
- Like a pro.

Four.
Count 'em, four.

Like a pro.
And I...

I really liked the
eye-to-eye contact.

Very impressive.

That's all part of
people skills, you know.

Very impressive.
Absolutely.

If you're going to have
any influence.

Morning, Mr. Marshall.

Yeah.

If you're going to have any
influence on someone

you've got to know how
to press their button.

By the way, have you
noticed how Roddy has been

in the morning?

He's been real nervous.

Roddy?

- Yeah, he's...
- How did you notice that?

Well, he used to pop
those vitamins

and now he's into
these Rolaids and Tums.

Well, the strain.

The strain at the top.

My work as attorney
for the D.H.R.C. carried me

to considerably
higher echelons of power.

Hobnobbing with
his honor Mayor Coleman Young

was an honor in itself.

- How you doing today, Doug?
- Fine, sir, fine.

How about yourself?

My connection with
Mayor Young was tenuous

but he did remember my name.

No complaints.
Try me tomorrow.

Right.
Very good.

Well, you know politics
might be interesting.

'Politricks.'

Every evening found me
working late.

But do I mind?

Reviewing video depositions
is easy.

Renewing broken lines
of communication

between a husband and wife,
now that's hard.

Little things
like pancake syrup

get in the way.

I didn't tell you
to put that much syrup on.

Well, I thought
you'd like it.

That's why I added extra.

I have a general
rule of thumb.

Avoid answering the door
whenever possible.

How do you do?

Is Mr. William Douglas Street
Junior at home?

Yes.

And may that be you, sir?

Yes.

May we come in for a little
musical confection, sir?

Yeah.

Then this is for you.

This message of
music is for your amusement

is a happy anniversary.

I'm wishing you the best.

And a happy anniversary,
oh yeah.

Through all of the madness.

I shall cherish the gladness

that your love
has given to me.

so deep,
do sweet, so right.

For a happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.

Here's to your future,
my love.

Tomorrow...

I remember the first moment
Gabrielle realized it

was not our anniversary.

...anniversaries
are the time to be in love.

Anniversaries are the time
to be in love.

Signed T.R.!

Amina.

Hey, babe.

I wonder how long Gabrielle's
going to stay locked up

in the bathroom this time?

God, this marriage
has gone sour.

Sour like cottage cheese
gone bad.

There's too much tension
around here.

And tension kills.

No matter what I do,
she's steady on my case.

All she does
is nag, nag, nag.

Get a job, get a life.

Get 6 grip-

Yeah, grip this.

I know she's
gonna like this toy.

It's really gonna add
some spice to the game.

I wonder how much Darren
shelled out for this.

Oh god, Gabrielle
is such a drag.

The only game she
wants to play is gimme.

Gimme money, gimme a car.

Gimme Godiva chocolate.

Gimme perfume.

Gimme clothes.

Gimme a break.

Danielle's getting to be
just like her.

Gimme games.

Gimme toys.

Gimme dance lessons.

Gimme Ken.
Gimme Barbie.

Danielle?

Danielle.

Time to play.

Danielle.

Come to Papa...!

Now, I'm going to kill.

Yes.

Yes...

Daddy look,
it's blood.

Uh-huh.

Oh, daddy,
why you do that?

Because I'm sick...

Sick?

I'm so sick.

I'm so screwed up.

lam so insane.

Does that tickle?

Does that tickle
right there?

Why you two
so quiet out there?

Tell me.

Tell me really.

Does it tickle like that?

A-ha!

Well, what about if we
tickle like this.

Oh...ow.

Doug, what is goin' on.

What do you think you're doing?

Here, let me wipe that
blood off your neck.

I'm sick and tired of trying
to get these stains out.

Oh, mommy,
you messed up the game.

And you daddy messed up
more laundry.

Come on, it's time for you
to go to bed anyway.

And Doug, it's time for you
to go to the asylum.

This is the stuff
that washes out.

Yeah, and I'm the one
that's gotta wash it out.

Night 'babe.

Night.

That night in bed
I suddenly realized

she hadn't mentioned
money once.

She was finally
accepting the fact

that money wasn't everything.

And even if it was,
I didn't have any.

Babe...

Hmm?

What?

Can you see my eyes
moving under my eyelids?

Yes, I can.

Babe...

What?

If you act real nice
I'll let you kiss my booty.

Promises, promises.

Hmm, babe.

Your socks are kickin'.

Kickin?

Kickin' with what?

With odor.

Oh.

The next day
I went to work fortified.

September 12, 1985.

And I want to be very clear
about this.

I am sitting on top of the
oyster that is my world.

I'm so happy all of my feelings
are registering as cliches.

I've got a song in my heart,
love on my lips.

Stuff like that.

I was totally accepted
by the commission.

In fact, Mr. Marshall
called me a godsend

in front of the whole staff
one day.

Speak on it, Mary.

Coffee's here. Would you
care for a sweetroll?

Cut the sweetroll, Mary.

Who needs six hundred
empty calories?

Send the coffee
in this vicinity.

Over and out.

Thank you.

Who knows?

Things might even work out
between Gabrielle and me.

I hadn't told her
that Mr. Marshall

was about to put me
on payroll.

That was going
to be a surprise.

Some people call me
Mr. Wonderful.

Other people call me wonderful.

Close friends call me...

Doug

Yeah, yeah.

They call me that too.

William Douglas Street, Junior.

Born in a log cabin
in the back woods of Kentucky,

young Douglas soon
elevated himself

from field hand to tiger.

From tiger to reporter.

And from reporter to doctor.

From doctor to co-ed.

From co-ed to attorney.

From attorney to...congressman.

From congressman to president.

I could play president.

- Doug.
- Huh?

There's a state marshall in
the outer office asking for you.

He has thirty armed policeman
with him.

- You are joking.
- No.

Yes, Mary.

Mr. Street, there are several
gentlemen here to see you.

This is a warrant.
Where's his office?

I'll be right out.

Fire exit.

Yeah...

William Douglas Street?

Don't forget the junior.

I have a warrant here
for your arrest.

Would you step
over here please?

Put your hands
against the wall.

Let's get rid of
the cigarette.

Doug, is there anyone
you'd like me to call?

Yeah, I'd appreciate it
if you'd call my wife.

The number
is IV-6- 3600.

Gabrielle Street.

Tell her...

Where you've been taken.

Yeah, I don't know...

Where are you taking me?

You don't have to worry
about contacting your wife.

She knows where
you're being taken.

She's in contact with us.

Gabrielle?

I do love you, Doug.

Gabrielle?

I do love you, Doug.

I do, I do,
I do love you Doug.

Oh...

Freud spent a lifetime searching
for an answer to the question

what does woman want?

He died never having
found the answer.

But I've got the answer.

I know what woman wants.

And it's not pantyhose either.

It's blood.

I do love you, Doug.

Shall we go?

I'd like to take
something with me?

What's that?

Those two books on my desk
by the lamp.

All right.

Once upon a time
it rained nine or ten,

maybe nine inches
in the forest.

And a lot of the pathways
that the animals used

for walking around
were flooded.

Have you got that?

So like,
it's a major disaster area.

And...

and the scorpion,
you see, he...

he's searching
for some way...

Any way...

...to get across
the stream,

which was now
very much like a river

because of the heavy
precipitation.

Now, the scorpion, being
a scorpion, couldn't swim.

And he was standing by the edge
of the water talking about...

Uh-oh.

The scorpion felt
enormous psychological and...

...psychosomatic pressure.

How can he ever get
across the surging river

and skedaddle back home
to his mom

and his dad and his apartment
and his 45s

and his personal computer
and his destiny.

Which is to sting your ass.

Ow.

In any case, the scorpion is
so worried he's beside himself,

his favorite position.

And then all at once
a frog appeared

alongside the scorpion.

And the frog said...

The rain was truly radical.

I'll see you later.

And then the scorpion said,
wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yes.

How are you
going to get across?

And the frog said...

I'm going to swim across.

So...

The scorpion brightened
up considerably

because he had an idea.

Okay, frog.

You give me a ride
on your back.

When we get to the other side,

I'll reimburse you
with some chips.

L got your chip.

But the frog
wasn't exactly a moron.

The frog was stupid.

He said...

I'm comatose.

How are you?

And the frog said...

...if I give you a ride
you'll sting me and I'll die.

And then everybody will come
to my funeral and say,

"He really was a moron,
wasn't he?"

And the scorpion said...

Trust me.

Yeah, right.

You know you can trust me.

Why would I sting you
when you're saving my life?

The frog stopped and thought.

The scorpion's logic
was irrefutable.

Even Mr. Spock couldn't
argue with that.

It would be crazy to bite
the hand that fed you.

Or in this case
sting the back that bore you.

The frog said...

...all right, hop on.

But this is going to cost you
a lot of chips.

Oh, yes, I know, I know

whispered the scorpion
gratefully

as he delicately
positioned himself

squarely on top of the frog.

The frog leaped
into the stream

with the scorpion
on his back.

He had to swim
real, real hard

because the current
was against him.

When the frog
was halfway across

he began to feel
a little tired.

But he kept going anyway-

This is where those
aerobics classes paid off.

And the scorpion
stung the frog

with is deadly
poisonous stinger.

Big deal.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

The frog could feel the
poison numb his arms and legs.

They began to stiffen up.

I could just d-i-e, die.

Don't worry, you will.

He began to sink.

Yikes.

Before he did, he had to
ask the scorpion one question.

- Why?
- Why? -Why?

Why did you do it, you fool?

Now we're both going to die.

What could you have
been thinking of?

- Why?
- Why?

Right before they
sank to their death,

the scorpion kind of
shrugged and said...

well, because
it's my character.