Original subtitles

Have you thought about

what you are going to do on the outside?

Hmmmm

Let me put it this way,

once you get out

will there be any more of these?

No, no. I'm through. No more.

No more impersonations.

No, enough is enough.

I don't believe you.

Would I lie?

I don't think you're necessarily lying.

I don't think you're in control of what you do or say.

I think you behave in complementarity.

Okay.

Do you know what that means?

No.

That means you intuit what another person needs

and then you become that need.

Like right now, you know my job is to diagnose your neuroses.

Neuroses are red, neuroses are blue.

Sit down...!

Gotta be tight-!

Shut up!

For the first time tight-!

Don't cross me...

As tight as the paint on these walls...! Look at him...

The Chameleon is about to confess.

I think therefore I scam.

I think the air is sweet.

I know not what I am.

I am Chameleon Street.

Autumn, 1978.

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman is out.

Mork and Mindy are in.

Platform shoes and eight track audio tapes are out.

Weddings and walk-mans are in.

As for my wedding, I got the whole thing on video.

You can see it later.

As for the Walkman, people ask me all the time,

what are you listening to?

I play the classics:

Vivaldi, Hendrix, Debussy, Sly Stone, Sex Pistols,

Ipso Facto.

It helps relieve the boredom

when I'm installing burglar alarms with Curtis.

Likes that-!

Got that good hair, too.

You like what?

I like girls with that light complexion look.

Oh man, you're a moron.

I can't help it.

What, being a moron?

Yeah, that too.

You're the first one

out there with a dashiki talking that crap.

I'm a victim.

Good hair.

Nigger, you're so brainwashed.

I'm a victim, brother.

That's your problem.

You're a victim.

- Yeah. - Shut up.

I'm a victim of 400 years of conditioning.

Shut up.

The man has programmed my conditioning.

Mmm-hmmm.

Even my conditioning has been conditioned.

But you know how eventually conditioned hair

will go back to kink.

Meaning what?

Eventually you're going to end up dating a dark-skinned girl?

I didn't say that.

But I would think about it.

No, but really, man, she is fine.

You depress me.

What is taking so long?

Why don't you blow the horn?

Yeah, right.

And for the rest of the day all I'm gonna hear is,

"what'd you blow the horn like that

when I'm taking care of business?"

We got somebody new he's gonna hire.

What, that white boy?

Rick.

- Oh, great. - Rick.

When you meet him I hope you don't say,

well, hello white boy.

Just say hello Rick.

Hey, man, I thought this was an all black thing.

So did you all have a honeymoon, man?

No, we had a moneymoon.

A moneymoon! What's that?

A moneymoon is where instead of getting your own place

and traveling somewhere far away,

you stay at my parents' house and travel over to the mall

and open charge accounts at Neiman-Marcus,

Bonwit Tellers and Saks Fifth Avenue.

A moneymoon.

Great. Thanks for making my day.

- Thank you. - What?

What'd you blow the horn like that for?

What?!

Now...

Aw, man- he ain't gonna say nothin.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Five dollars say he don't say squat.

Bet.

You're on.

Lay it up. Lay it UP- Lay it up.

My money's good.

That's okay.

You're gonna be askin' me for lunch money today, buddy.

Oh, I need some money Curtis.

Yeah. Everybody needs money.

I need some money.

Man, there's lots of ways to make money.

You need to start taking advantage of your opportunities.

I mean, you could sell your blood.

Sell my blood?

Right.

Eight dollars a pint.

Sell my blood?

Man...

The blood bank.

Sell my blood.

I'll never get that low.

I've done it.

Yeah, like that's some criteria.

You drink sterno.

Working for my father's burglar alarm company

was like earning slave wages in the ninth circle of hell.

We spend all our time making cheap bets with chump change.

I don't know who was more predictable,

the J-O-B or my D-A-D.

Here he comes.

Why don't you give me the money right now?

Watch.

What'd you blow the horn like that for

while I'm taking care of business?

Thank you.

Yeah.

I married Gabrielle in the spring of 1978

when the dogwood was in blossom.

Speaking of dogs,

I'd like you to meet Darlene, my first wife.

She was the living personification of the question:

Is there life after TV?

Kiss my ass.

All I said was, "May I have my breakfast now, honey?"

Kiss my ass.

This is home video I shot of Gabrielle

rehearsing for a stage show put on by Delta Theta Sigma.

That's Gabrielle.

She's a Georgia peach but we met in North Carolina

on Bennett's campus.

Gabrielle had fine assets.

Assets that Darlene couldn't even begin to approximate.

For one thing, she was a reader.

And so was I.

And sexually, Gabrielle was responsive with a capital R.

A girl who reads Gwendolyn Brooks

and kisses me like Soul-mate #1

deserves to be my significant other.

So, any way- the 70s ended with the deadly Ds.

Divorce from Darlene, debt and depression.

Depression...

Two years later the 80s didn't look much better.

Still living at home with my parents.

Still listening to my brother Darren chew his food too loud.

You see Darren thinks he's a comedian.

He's about as funny as the last scream for help at Armageddon.

Stop chewing so loud.

Now, you see I asked him very politely

not to chew his food too loud.

Listen.

Get a job in a gas station.

Shut up, man.

I'm gonna sneeze.

Very funny.

But as different as they were,

both Gabrielle and Darlene sent me to work every morning

with the same message.

Make some money.

What?

Make some money.

Okay.

Hey, you guys, this should be a gas.

We've got seven rooms in hereto wire.

Pretty cool.

A gas?

Come on, Curtis.

Great. All the white boys in the world

and your daddy has to pick the most happiest.

Hey, the door, man.

This is boring.

This is boring!

Shit.

Yep. My money.

You gonna owe me four more dollars.

Get me some money.

Wait a minute. Let me try it again.

Come on, man. I get my...

Double or nothing.

Get my money. Ten dollars, man.

Come on, double or nothing.

Set it up.

Here's five right there.

- Get the four dollars out. - Come on, come on, come on.

You can do it, baby.

It's your world. It's your world, baby.

Come on, baby, come on.

Get me five more dollars together.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on, baby, you can do it.

You can do it.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

- Yes! - Yes!!

In those days,

home away from home was right here at the Trio.

We'd sit around and discuss all the things

dissatisfied brothers would discuss, namely money.

Sam has a better understanding of computers

than I do because you got a computer, right?

I got a calculator, man.

Shut up, Curtis.

It's really very simple, man.

Well, why haven't you done it then?

Because I don't have a job.

But we all know that.

This'll work, man.

- It's got to work. - Come on and explain.

Okay, they send the checks to a clearing house

to check the checks to make sure that they check.

Yeah?

What you mean check the check?

Sound like a nursery rhyme.

Now, wait, wait, wait.

So, when you put that little pinhole prick in there--

you know they have to be sorted electronically, right?

Right.

Those optical characters at the bottom of the check.

You put that little pinhole prick in there

the computer can't read it.

So, it kicks it back out.

- A pinhole prick? - A pinhole prick, yes.

Yeah?

It's really very simple.

Yeah?

Just like you. Simple.

Have you done it before?

For the past three years.

You said that last time.

It's been working like a charm.

Then why are you wearing those clothes?

And how come you ain't got no money?

This is my brother's coat.

Why don't you buy some beer?

Yeah, why don't you buy everybody--

It's your turn.

Man, we need some money.

A kilo of weed a month, okay?

You get rid of thirty ounces.

That'll be $300.

You take a $125 right off the top.

That's yours.

Plus...

plus you can nickel and dime, man.

You can nickel and dime any miscellaneous buds you may have.

All that is pure profit for you, too.

One thing though,

keep in mind that this is strictly business.

Okay?

You come to me and you say you want to make some money.

This is it.

This is your chance.

The question is, what do you want to do?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, speaking from a theoretical point of view,

the question is do I have to deal drugs

in order to make money?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Do you want to philosophize about this, brother, huh?

Or do you want to make some money?

Make some money?

Money.

I had met Detroit Tiger Willie Horton socially

and he'd been very nice to me.

My ex-high school associates

wanted to make use of the connection.

For how much?

Twenty.

Twenty-five thousand.

Oh, you all are talking stupid.

Now, you, I can understand.

But Earl- how you get so stupid?

Duh...

I take stupid pills.

You could write the company back

and tell them they work, stupid.

Can't write.

Too stupid.

Twenty-five thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars.

- They got the money. - You know they got it.

You know they got the money.

And who's gonna write the note?

You can count me out.

You're the one with the words, bro.

That's right.

You know my spelling' be off sometimes.

You know how to spell extortion?

Eck what??

Can you do it is the question.

- Come on. - Right.

Here the paper is, man.

Come on. I'll even drive you up there?

Drive?

Use your car, Sam.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

No, let's just stay here.

Relax.

Let's just camp out here.

To this very day people ask me,

why did I send a copy of the letter to the Detroit Free Press

and the Flint Journal for publication?

Dear Mrs. Horton.

We have some photographs of your husband

doing acts with several different women.

We won't release these to the press

if you'll pay $50,000 to us

before banking hours close today.

Go with this man and give him the money

and nothing will happen.

Signed Doug Street.

Okay, first of all,

I had nothing to do with the note appearing

in the Detroit Free Press or the Flint Journal.

It was Curtis.

Or should I say Judas.

That's right.

It was a publicity move.

I signed Doug's name and I was going to sign mine.

But I thought it was more effective

coming from one person, you know.

The press adopted me as a kind of media mascot

for a few days.

How does your wife feel about your escapades.

Ah, ooh, yea...

I haven't talked to her yet.

No, you haven't.

Gabrielle was not pleased.

Mr. Street! Mr. Street! Mr. Street...!

But I was getting into it.

After that letter in the Free Press

I leaked to the media that the whole extortion thing

was just a means to an end.

That what I really wanted all along

was a try-out with the Detroit Tigers.

I was even interviewed by the Barber twins,

Denny and Dave.

Denny covered sports for Channel 59

while brother Dave's Open Forum on Channel 4

handled the big issues.

Why would you sue Willie Horton.

From all the reports

you certainly seem to impress the Tigers.

Have you heard from the front office?

Anybody in Tiger management been in touch with you?

You mean about a try-out?

A try-out. A real try-out.

Ah, no- No, not yet.

Do you think maybe they will?

Ah, no- No, not really.

Well, I'll tell you what, Doug Street,

you've certainly got a lot of moxie

and I hope things definitely work out for you.

- Moxie? - Moxie.

What's that?

I... I don't know.

My producer gave me the word and I...

I just tried to slip it into the...

into the program.

I don't know...

is that like having garlic on your breath?

I'll tell you what,

anybody that could pull off a stunt like this

obviously has a lot of determination and drive

and I think they, uh, deserve a chance.

This have been the Barber Beat.

Oooh.

The seat got hot.

You know Willie Horton?

Personally.

And I know him to be a very understanding individual.

Let's get another record straight

while we're talking about Mr. Horton.

- That rec... - You never had photographs,

Polaroid photographs of Willie Horton with girls,

did you?

Get the record straight.

That record...

Did you?

I beg your pardon?

You never had Polaroid pictures

of Willie Horton with girls, did you?

No, no.

In fact, had you ever witnessed Willie Horton

cavorting with other women?

No, no.

Then why?

Please tell me why would you concoct

such a licentious, low-down loathsome lie?

My objective...

my objective was to...

present Mrs. Horton, while her husband was away,

with something that was so wrenching

that she would be panicked.

I wanted to press her panic button.

And why?

That is not a...

this is not a big exposé you're doing.

This is all a matter of public record.

Then answer this question. Answer this question. Why?

Why What?

...would you concoct...

I wanted to get the money.

Money!

Make some money.

Man, we need some money.

For the money.

You're a liar, aren't you, Mr. Street?

When I got home that night

I found out that Gabrielle had the real evening news.

I'm pregnant.

The Willie Horton fiasco changed my life.

It would have changed even more if they'd have pressed charges.

You know, if it hadn't been for Curtis

my first escapade would have gotten over.

I decided to try the sports world again.

But this time as a reporter from TIME.

I had all her personal statistics

in the first ten minutes.

Height, 6 '2 ".

Weight, 165.

Feet, 13.

IQ, 178.

She and her twin sister, Pam, had already carved a place

for themselves in women's basketball.

They'd gone to the Olympics, been on the cover of Jet.

And a collection of Paula's poetry

was about to be published.

The way I figured it, an interview with Paula McGee

could be sold to TIME Magazine for $2,000.

She was brimming over with the four Bs.

Black, brains, beauty, basketball.

All in one delectable 6'2" package.

Oh, lord, if I could just rap to her like Barry White.

Oh Paula, let me pull on your pink panties.

And baby, your pert pagodas perched

like two firm pears in my fruit salad.

Got that maraschino cherry, baby.

They peek at me so prettily

from underneath your polyester Givenchy.

I began to subtly steer the conversation

into her personal life.

Of course, they key word is subtle.

Have you ever had an orgasm?

What's that have to do with the cover story?

Well, you know the big picture.

Oh... oh, well.

It's funny you should bring that up.

Because just the other I was talking to a friend of mine

about how women fake orgasms.

And I think that's crazy.

Yeah.

I love the haiku form.

It's so pure.

Paula had told her secretary, Melissa,

to hold all appointments.

This one's called feet.

Your feet stink.

Your mind is rank.

I hate the way you're shaped like a tank.

What do you think?

Hmm.

Maybe you should stop the tape.

Why?

Because I don't want to sound like I'm desperate.

Because I'm not.

Maybe you are.

No.

Hmmm.

I even thought about going on the Love Connection.

Love...that date...

that TV dating game show?

Yeah, but then I say if I go on the show

and I say the reason I'm here

basically is because I don't have anybody to date,

then it looks like I'm desperate.

- No, it doesn't. - Yes, it does.

I eat chitlins.

The chitlins eat me.

Get me a stomach pump.

So what do you think?

I don't believe this.

Here she is with the world at her feet

and she can't find a decent guy to date?

Uh-uh. Something's wrong.

After three hours I begin to fantasize

about this extraordinary woman.

In another age she would have been a warrior goddess.

An African Amazon.

Oh, go on and Serenghetti me, baby.

I've got something I need you to see.

I need you to come out here.

Right.

Paula excused herself and I sat there...

and sat there...

and sat there blowing smoke rings.

I had misspelled the word "right".

And... whatchamacallum...

“Melissa, who wrote such dumb-ass poetry.

She was smart enough to call TIME headquarters

and ask for a personel confirmation.

When I married you I didn't think you were stupid.

I can't stand stupid men.

I can't stand stupid people, period.

Only a moron would send a letter with a misspelling like that.

Did you watch your soap operas today?

And see, you're cutting into my soap time

and I don't allow that. - Which one did you watch?

Which do you think?

Erica of course.

Erica?

- Susan Lucci, Susan Lucci. - Susan Lucci, Susan Lucci.

I don't know why you waste your time watching that stuff.

Well, it'd make about as much sense

as telling people one lie after another.

I took her to a restaurant so she would stop pouting.

Babe loves to pout.

She's the pouting princess.

What?

I said I hate asparagus that taste like leather.

Oh, you just don't like vegetables.

That's not true.

I married you.

And I married you, Mr. Potato Head.

- You know honey... - Hmm?

I've been thinking.

You could enroll at the University of Michigan

and study medicine.

Hmmm.

You've been thinking'. That's dangerous.

You'd like to be a doctor's wife, wouldn't you?

Yes.

You take care of the patients

and I'll take care of the pennies.

What pennies?

Neiman-Marcus takes care of all our pennies.

Or Bonwit Tellers.

Yes, or Saks Fifth Avenue.

You want another beer?

No, I'm fine.

You are extremely fine.

And you know it, too, don't you?

Excuse me, miss?

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah.

I'd like another Michelob light and...

you want anything else?

Yes, two pieces of pecan pie, please.

Two'?

Will there be anything else?

She also wants one lifetime charge account

at Lane Bryant.

Yes, thank you.

I thought you were going to watch your figure?

lam...

Watching it get big.

You know, when you really think about it,

you're the one responsible for my overeating.

You put me under a lot of strain with what you've been doing.

Hmm.

Well, you know if I'd wanted to marry a big fat

greasy chocolate doughnut-eating hostess cupcake,

twinkie lard elbow woman, I could have married Joyce.

If I ever got that big there'd just be...

- That much more of me to love. - That much more of me to love.

All right.

Well?

Baby, I would divorce you so quick your head would spin.

You wouldn't.

Hmm.

Would you really?

Well, why don't you put on 50 pounds and find out.

You're awful.

My middle name.

One Michelob light.

Hmm.

And two pieces of pecan pie.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

Excuse me,

but I was just sitting over there admiring your dress.

Thank you.

It's nice to see some class in this dump.

Don't you know Michelob is for white men?

And you know that the white man runs this world?

What? ls that what it says on the label?

How much?

How much what?

How much what-?!

Come on, cut the comedy.

The bitch is fine.

And I'm willing to pay through the nose

when the ass has got class.

Honey, come on, take a drink here.

Come on.

You know what I mean, porch monkey?

You did say more funky?

That is what he said isn't it, more funky?

Not porch money. More funky.

Hey, hey, hey-

Why don't get, get around.

Are you crazy?

Nigger, get your nasty black hands off of me.

If he thinks he can just like come in here and...

Fuckin' let go!!

You know, that's a very nasty word.

But what's really, pardon the expression,

fucked up is your grammar.

'Fuckin' let go'.

You can't say that.

You know the rules of grammar apply to profanity as well.

The word fuck comes from the German root, ficken,

which means to strike.

It's a verb and can be used in a variety of ways

both transitive and intransitive.

For example, simple aggression.

Fuck you.

Or simple confusion, what the fuck is goin' on here?

And then there's apathy.

Who gives a fuck?

And then there's ignorance,

which is very appropriate for you.

Duh...

Marty, call the police.

I can deal with this asshole.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Defiance.

The fuck you can.

I ain't gonna take this shit from you.

Oh, authority!? Shut the fuck up.

And you can say it four different ways.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

Now, see, these are all the things you could have said

if you weren't so unbelievably coarse and crude

and countrified.

That's alliteration, babe.

And remember, peckerwood,

profanity is the last refuge of the ignorant,

the insensitive and the illiterate.

But if you're going to use it, and I can see you are,

at least get the fuckin' grammar right, moron.

Let's see your muscle, 'stead of your mouth.

Come on, boy.

Get up.

Instant replay.

Dumb broad asked me the other day,

why didn't you punch out that peckerwood?

I said because I was unconscious

you extremely stupid bitch.

I had so many bruises on my face,

for my next role I had to use a little bit of makeup.

Gabrielle drove me to the hospital.

And it was in the hospital

that one of my ideas was pushed over the edge.

Let me be perfectly honest with you.

Your credentials are just too amazing to believe.

You know, this is the first time

we've ever had an intern transfer here from Harvard Med.

It's quite an honor.

I considered Harvard myself.

Listen, why don't I explain

how the transitional internship works?

Then we can give you a little tour of the hospital.

You can meet some of the other residents

and see what you think.

Yeah, that sounds fine.

I'll just finish this.

There.

Dr. Street,

I'd like for you to meet Dr. Doris McCulley.

Oh, how do you do.

You would be amazed at the way doctors are treated.

Everybody's always glad to see you.

Everybody always listens to your every word.

And best of all, everybody laughs at your jokes.

The intern knows all but does nothing.

Now, the surgeon knows nothing but does it all.

And the pathologist knows everything.

But it's too late.

Her T-max was a 102.4 degrees last night.

All right, let's keep an eye on that temp today.

Get that ultrasound done this morning.

She could have anything from hepatitis to a hot gallbladder.

Have the surgeons felt her belly yet?

No. In fact, I haven't consulted anyone.

ER admitted her directly to the floor this morning

because she's one of Dr. Callus' private patients.

Fine. I'll talk to Callus.

In the meantime,

let's get some information on this woman.

All right, that's it.

Let's go get some breakfast.

It was too easy. It was too easy.

Maybe you're asking yourself,

well, how could he continue to operate in Detroit

after he'd been exposed on TV and all.

Answer's very simple.

People forget.

Of course, your wife ain't exactly people.

And my relationship now with Gabrielle

was an intricate cobweb of lies.

You mess with one they all jiggle.

She believed I was a bona fide student of medicine

enrolled at Wayne State.

She loved me.

And where love leads belief must follow.

After all,

we've got to believe the ones we love.

All right, well let's send Mrs. Crawford down

for a chest X-ray this morning.

Okay.

And an AP and a lateral.

Okay, got it.

Okay? Hmm, let me see.

Dr. Street, are you on call today?

Hmm. That's right. It's me.

Good.

Could you look at Robertson in 481?

She's complaining of some chest pain.

Well, yes. Yes, I...

I'll... I'll be right there.

Oh, um- would you like a stat EKG?

Mmm...yes.

Yeah, I'll take a stat EKG and...right away.

I saw the whole gang today.

You have a lovely family.

Thank you.

Dr. Street, here's the EKG.

Looks like Mrs. Robertson is in normal sinus rhythm.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm...Hmm.

Hmm.

Now, Mrs. Robertson,

tell me exactly where the pain is?

Right here, doctor.

- Right there? - Yes.

Mmm-hmm.

And have you ever felt this kind of pain before?

No, never.

It came on rather sudden.

Rather sudden...

Feels like someone's put a knife in there or something.

Feels like someone put a knife in there...

Yes.

Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm. All right.

Let's just... hmm.

Now, take a deep breath.

Lord, woman, what's wrong with you?

Doctor, that hurts.

That hurt, doctor.

Do you see a disrhythmia on the EKG, Doctor Street?

Ah...yeah.

Yeah, you mean this EKG here?

- Yes. - Right, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Yah... it could be abnormal.

Apparently the key word here was oxygen

which I ordered for Mrs. Robertson

at the last minute.

And as Dr. Hardy expressed to me the next day over coffee,

I was doing a very thorough and professional job.

I think I'll stop by.

Just to see how a Harvard man works.

You know there's a rumor circulating around here

that when a Harvard man makes his first incision

he doesn't use a scalpel.

He just orders the flesh to part and it parts.

Like Moses and the Red Sea.

I'll see you in OR.

Forty-five minutes.

You've got a hysterectomy to perform.

All aboard to hysterectomy.

Passing through flesh, muscle, organs, non-stop to uterus.

All aboard!

I had visualized myself performing surgery many times.

But of course, there's nothing ever quite like the real thing.

I don't know if any of you sitting out there

have ever out a human being open before with two interns,

three nurses and the resident physician

looking over your shoulder.

But you can take my word for it,

it's an unforgettable experience.

And people ask me if I regret what happened.

Sure I regret it.

0600 - I begin to notice odd details.

I like her bellybutton.

I've always felt that innies are infinitely superior to outties.

But on the other hand,

her stretch marks gross me out.

Can we begin?

Ready.

Scalpel.

Wilson, Brady--

I want you to note the speed and dexterity of Dr. Street's work.

Oh, speed and dexterity.

What time are they gonna show up?

Bovie.

I can't believe the amount of blood in this woman.

Dr. Street has filled me in

on the latest gospel on glove wearing

according to the powers that be at Harvard.

Apparently, they've discovered that surgical gloves

are more effective if they're worn two sizes smaller.

- Next. - Another hemostat.

Hemostat.

Tie.

Tie. Tie.

Why is this nurse breathing so hard?

She's freakin' me out.

Either she can tell I don't know what I'm doin'

or the sight of blood makes her sick.

Wipe.

0620 and counting.

God, I'm drowning in my own sweat.

Suction.

I can't tell what Dr. Hardy's thinking.

Sometimes he looks puzzled.

Big retractor.

Sometimes he looks furious.

And sometimes he just gives me a cold stare.

Oh Lord, I hope the sweat doesn't' make my mascara run.

I'll be lookln' like some kind of punk doctor.

Wipe...

All right, now...

All right. Let's...

Suture scissors.

All right. Let's close.

Street, why don't you help Wilson and Brady close?

Certainly.

And Street,

after the patient is in the recovery room,

I want to see you in my office...

immediately.

Jane, before I suture this patient up,

please give me size six and a half gloves.

I hardly know what to say.

This is really quite unexpected.

But I've never seen a resident at your level

demonstrate such surgical savoir faire.

All I need now are some fuchsia pumps.

I'll go out and buy some.

Don't answer it.

Why not?

Two guys came about an hour ago.

I think that's them.

I think that is they.

When are you going to learn how to speak English?

Don't worry... wait a minute.

Doug?

What?

You know if it's the police I've gotta tell them the truth.

Who said it was the police?

Then why are we whispering?

You're not whispering. Not soft enough.

How do you do?

Fine, thank you.

Are you Mrs. Street, married to Dr. Douglas Street?

Yes, I am.

We'd like to talk to the doctor.

Is he home?

Yes, he is.

Do you mind if we look around?

A random security check at the hospital

had revealed my true identity.

The state police had persuaded

the young lady I'd operated on to press charges.

Fraud with malicious intent.

You can go to jail for that.

I don't know about the rest of these convicts,

but I didn't come to prison.

I come to study.

Have you actually...

Sorry about that.

I been wanting to ask you,

do you actually read all those books?

Yes.

You know what puts the frosting on the cake?

Uh-uh.

I understand them.

Hmm.

That's Eugene.

Eugene and I both shared a mutual admiration

for Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko.

So we'd get together and trade comics, talk comics,

remember comics.

In fact, Eugene was in Jackson because of comics.

He beat on his mother until she died because...

well, I'll let him tell it.

So when I get home and go to my room I say,

"Mom, what hath become of my comic books?"

I used to always talk like Thor.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You used to always talk like Thor, huh?

Yeah.

- I patterned my speech after him. - Yeah.

Sometimes I talked like Spiderman.

Or Daredevil.

Or Nick Fury.

- Yeah. - Or the Hulk.

Of course, the Hulk really didn't have too much to say.

No, not really.

Here you go, man.

Thanks.

That's right.

Hey brother, you better wake up.

You sleep walking?

No, man.

This food is trippin' me out.

Look, this watermelon is slimy.

And maybe we should stop pressing license plates

and use these for...

...bricks.

You don't like the rolls we bake?

When do you bake them?

Four-thirty in the morning.

Get a little hard around suppertime.

A little hard?

You have a gift for understatement.

Got somethin' for ya', Street.

Hmm? What's this?

It's hot!

Hey!

Naw... we use flour.

Okay. Well listen, how much do I owe you?

It's cool...

I guess because he was chief cook.

Smooth got a few extra perks: TV, stereo, hotplate.

And the power to invite a few guests over after hours.

He also has access to the best Thai stick in Jackson Prison.

One of the guards, Larry Thompson...

He would take you back to Smooth 's cell after lights out.

Come on, man...man.

How's it been goin'?

You ready to finish that game or you scared?

- Go on. Sit on the bed. - All right.

My mama sent me some cookies.

You like chocolate chip?

Mmm... how did you know?

Hey...

Where are you?

Their eyes were boiling with hatred...

I told you not to play with me...

...l didn't mean it...

Come on, Steve!!

You know, I been real nice to you, ain't I?

Yeah, man.

And I appreciate it, too.

Yah...

Strange things happens here at night.

Pass me that spud, will you?

Please don't do it.

I said please...!

Yeah, that's enough.

Please-??!

Yeah, I been real nice to you.

But you ain't been nice to me.

Hmm? What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

Uh-oh.

You ain't crazy.

Say What?

Yeah...

yeah, man, like...

I'll be lookin' out for you... you know.

Mmm-hmm.

You know how you can look out for me, don't you?

I could smell his genitalia as it wafted across the cell.

You don't even know me.

So put your pants back on.

Just put your pants back on.

I can get to know you.

I ain't even like that.

Y'doin it with whatchamacallit.

That white boy I see you hangin' out with.

- Aldo? - That's right.

You're doin' it.

What's the matter, you color struck?

Savin' it for all the white boys, huh?

Why don't you get your mind outta the gutter?

You know, I been real nice to you, Doug.

You know what goes down.

Not me.

I don't go down.

I don't have to be nice.

Well, uh - what are you gonna do?

Stop bringing me hot rolls in the morning?

Here...

you take this joint back and you keep that joint under wraps.

And you cancel my order for Smooth's, soft, steamy, succulent,

accent on the suck, breakfast buns

and I'll see you later.

'Cause I'm gonna get out of here.

Where do you think you're going?

I can take it if I want it and I want it.

Uh-uh. Don't touch me, man.

Mmm-mm. Don't touch me.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, God-!

Man, what the hell's the matter with you?

It's a...

I got a nervous...

a nervous disorder and it has to do with my blood pressure.

It's all right. I got it.

You got it?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Thompson.

Hey Thompson!

I've got a nervous condition.

A new... new... new... new...

nervous condition.

You epilepsy?

Oh, no, man, no.

It's all right.

'An-

they say that I should be on medication

but I don't like pills.

So...

it's all right.

What time is it?

Eight thirty, uh-

Time for you to go.

Smooth's philosophy was if you can't lick 'em, suck 'em.

Whereas the way I see it,

if you can't suck 'em, trick 'em.

Because of the trick epileptic I was sent straight

to the big house psychiatrist, Dr. Jonathan Hand.

This is all just a vacation to you, isn't it?

Prison? A vacation?

To you, yes.

It's all part of your grand design.

My grand design.

You laugh.

You funny.

Does it say in your folder there what my grand design is?

Have you got the blueprints?

Has anyone ever told you

your sense of sarcasm is extremely strong?

Oh, yeah.

Has anyone ever told you

that white people who get caught in the rain

smell exactly like wet dogs?

This is fact.

Believe it or not.

I beg your pardon.

Where the...

I know, I know, I know.

But look,

have you ever been standing in a crowd of white people

and all of a sudden it starts to rain?

It's a very particular odor.

Extremely aromatic.

Hmm...

You like to use humor as a smokescreen.

Look, I'm so far ahead of you.

I know what you're about to say.

I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're writing on those evaluation papers.

I know that you're wearing an incredibly cheap toupee.

I mean, I could sit here and punch all the right buttons

and make you think you're a genius

for correctly analyzing this complex,

exotic notorious Negro, but--

Notorious Negro...

That'd be a good name for my autobiography.

I... I started writing my life story...

notorious...

The first time I went to Jackson Prison

I was there for nine months.

Mom?

Give me the phone.

- Mom? - And don't call here anymore.

Mom?

And that's the way to handle it.

But anyway, you're not so far off, you know.

You know, I give people what they want.

When I meet somebody I know within the first two minutes

who they want me to be.

And I just cut the emotional cloth of my personality

to fit the emotional clothing of whomever I'm...

Conning.

Why are you smiling?

Now you see it, now you don't.

We have a very good rapport with all of our inmates here.

The warden walked through with a group of civilians.

Would you look at this brother here?

He's so busy protecting the white woman

he can't even be bothered with my escape.

It's freezing out here.

Amina is at Yale.

That's not too far away.

I've got $24.

I can get a bus in Ypsilanti.

The first thing I did

after arriving in New Haven, Connecticut

was get to Yale campus.

The second thing,

get a collegiate buppy haircut.

The third thing, get Gabrielle on the phone.

What?

Don't ask stupid questions.

I can't come back because the Ann Arbor police are after me

for the non-sufficient funds check.

And I can't report to my parole officer

because she'll lock me up.

I can't be a part of this any more.

I don't believe you...

What?

Don't believe you're in your right mind, Doug.

What did you say?

Will you put your mouth to the phone and talk louder?

And even if you are

I'd have to be out of my mind to get involved. I don't...

While I was in prison,

Gabrielle had become a Jehovah Witness.

Said she was tired of being a Baptist.

Now, how can anybody be tired of being a Baptist?

Lord, have mercy.

Well, we don't see eye to eye or god to god.

That afternoon I went to Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast

to help get my mind right.

Hé-Ia!!

I love that movie.

Hello, cher monsieur.

After the movie I spend seven minutes

persuading Harkness Hall to let me have a room

even though I don't have my ID card.

Next morning I knew what I had to do

and I was geeked to do it.

Stopped by Goodwill

and bought an $11 corduroy suit with patches.

I'm depending on you, son.

Could you tell me where Harkness Hall is?

Yeah, right over there.

His name, Richard Dukes.

And he was made to order for my ID.

Hey, some of your tapes fell on the ground.

Duh.

Next morning, 8 AM, registrar.

Okay, that's Richards...

- Richard. - Richard.

- Dukes. - Dukes.

D-U-K-E-S.

All right, Richard.

Left a note for Amina Tatiana in her mailbox.

We haven't seen each other for five years.

Not since I split.

Thanks to Dick's ID I now have total access

to the university's facilities, including the library here.

But it won't be long before the registrar

gets hip to this game.

I've got to get another identity.

Quick.

Walking into the library...

Like walking into a cathedral.

I approach the librarian.

Excuse me, miss.

I always feel right at home in a library.

Well, who have we here?

Jason goes to Yale?

I love the atmosphere in a library.

You can almost hear the sound of thought.

Can you hear it?

And at the moment all of my thinking

is headed in a bilingual direction.

Do you sweat much at night?

I shave my armpits every day.

Your friend is a real slut.

She gets laid by everyone.

Excuse me sir,

there's no smoking in the lounge.

But I have been smoking here for the past two hours.

The people upstairs

said to bring the ashtray downstairs, sir.

There's no smoking in the lounge.

As a matter of fact, I'm taking that ashtray.

Merde.

I beg your pardon.

Merde to you.

What do that mean, sir?

Merde means merde.

Yeah... uh-huh...no...

they invited me to this masquerade ball next week.

Yeah, it's a costume ball.

And whoever has the best costume

gets $10,000 prize money.

Shoot...

Gabrielle acts like she's sorry I called.

I am sorry, too.

But when I get back to my room Amina Tatiana is waiting.

And she wasn't sorry either.

Amina was from Kenya, from money, from beauty,

and from class.

I was from hunger.

But she loved and excited me in a way no other woman

has before or since.

You look incredibly beautiful.

You look incredibly beautiful.

T.R.?

T.R.

Anyway, I just froze, you know.

The only thing I could think of was...

you know the skunk in the Warner Brother cartoon,

- Pepe LePew? - Mmm-hmm.

I... that's all I could think of and just said Pepe, you know.

If I were a little bit stronger in French...

if I spoke as many languages as you do, that's what I wish,

than I could really get over.

Any way, do you know who this is?

No, I... I don't think so.

Edith Piaf.

I taped it off PBS.

I don't know what the hell she's talking about

but I got the words and inflections down.

So I decided to show up at one of these orientation parties.

McLuhan... Platt

I'm telling you-

It was a good test.

-he has said many a times, it's a wasteland.

TV's a vast wasteland.

I introduced myself as Pepe Le Mofo.

Who?

Pepe Le Mofo.

I told them I was a foreign exchange student

from Martinique.

I didn't have the Piaf completely memorized.

But I figured if I got lost in conversation

I could always start accusing people.

Oh, I see.

My faculty advisor, Mr. Shaw,

he sat me down with a few students

who claimed they could speak French.

Aprés moi, le deluge.

Aprés moi, le deluge.

Oui?

They all thought I was French.

Trying to pull out their high school French.

Everything was fine until Raoul walked into the picture.

Raoul was a real foreign exchange student from Belgium.

What the hell is he talking about?

Oui?

No. Oui. No. Oui.

No!

How long do you think you can keep this up?

This French façade?

What are you going to do while you're here?

I'm going to crash this costume ball,

that's being given next week.

It's being given in honor of Fantomas Judex.

- Fantomas Judex? - Yeah, Fantomas Judex.

The French rock group.

French rock.

Is it anything like French kissing?

You want to come?

Oh, I've got 200 pages of material to absorb every night

for the next two weeks.

But that sounds very interesting.

Douglas Street, the chameleon

at a masquerade ball.

Yeah.

I would like to come with you.

All right.

Listen, I'm going to come as the Beast.

Excellent.

You know, from Beauty and the Beast

-the fairytale? - Yes, yes.

It's typecasting.

And you should come as Beauty.

Black Beauty.

Black Beauty was a horse.

Hmm-mm.

Black Beauty is you.

That's more typecasting.

Remember that time we were in D.--

oh, there's your earring.

Remember that time we were in D.C.

and those kids met us on the street?

- Yes. - And they asked you

-if you were the Black Barbie? - I remember.

But Doug...

Hmm?

Maybe Gabrielle should come with you as Beauty.

How did you know I was married?

Nancy Bankoff told me.

Since I didn't receive an invitation.

Bankoff.

Gabrielle wouldn't even get a kick out of it.

She'd probably say it was against her religion

to attend a masquerade ball.

What do you mean?

Look... There's a lot you don't know.

Do you love her?

'An-

heard a great quote the other day.

Woman inspires man to create masterpieces

and then prevents him from carrying them out.

Who said that?

Oscar Wilde.

Maybe...

The divine Oscar.

...she doesn't understand what masterpiece

you're trying to create, Doug.

I'm not sure anybody understands what you're doing.

Least of all you.

Hey, if I didn't know what I was doing,

I couldn't do what I am doing.

True.

But that still doesn't explain what it is you want.

Want?

If all of my dreams of beauty had been crazy-glued together

into one perfect woman she would have been like you.

Perfect.

Would you listen to what I'm saying?

Don't you know that all my life I've been going out

trying to find out what this love's about?

You're married.

And that's what divorce is for.

Oh, no.

To help you come up with a definition of love?

Doug, that's like using abortion as contraception.

Hmm.

You know, you're going to be a very good attorney.

But could you like put down the law books for a minute?

Why don't you try and talk about

what we can do in order to stay together?

Oh, Doug.

Why don't you talk about that?

Oh, Doug.

Don't...

That's what I want more than anything in the world.

Mmm-hmm?

But in my heart I know it will never happen now.

Hmm... I know.

This whole event is being covered by cable.

Look across the ballroom.

See that huge projection of David's masterpiece?

'Marat Assassinated.'

The band members have all taken famous names

from the French Revolution.

The one who calls himself Robespierre, that's him--

He keeps encouraging the crowd to chant Marat! Marat!

Like Marat was some kind of hero.

These people don't even know they're cheering a psychotic.

Long live lemmings!!

Belle... Je vous aime, Belle.

Garçon!

Yes, sir.

I need a straw.

To drink le champagne, oui?

A straw.

I will see what I can do.

Merci beaucoup. Va!

Accéléré.

Va...

Merci. Merci.

Merci trés bien.

What did he say?

How much did you give him?

Five cents.

I'm cheap.

But I have class.

What did he say?

Roughly translated, and I quote, "You skinflint,

you can take that straw and go suck lukewarm cat's piss,

you transvestite," unquote.

Oh, I wish I could speak French like that.

An old fag.

The guy who helped me with my costume and makeup

also ran lights up in the security booth,

Jack Pierce.

He let us kick back there for a while.

Comb my face, baby.

“Jung

Good.

Open your mouth.

My, what long fangs you've got.

The better to gnaw you with, my dear.

And a lot of fillings, too.

More...more.

And try and get it in my mouth next time.

I'm trying.

Oh...

“Jung

I'm happy-

Oh my god.

Uh-oh.

Minute's up.

What?

Happiness flies when Gabrielle arrives.

Gabrielle!

Mmm-hmm.

That's Gabrielle?

Gabrielle.

Do you think she'll recognize you?

I'm going to find out.

I abandoned Amina.

I haven't seen or heard from her since.

But I still see that look.

Still see that face.

She doesn't recognize me.

Or does she?

By the time the dance was over

I could tell she didn't know who I was.

Enchanté yourself, Belle.

My name is Gabrielle Street.

What's yours?

Ladies and gentlemen-

may I have your attention please.

The time has come to announce our winner.

And the winner is Douglas Street for his costume of the Beast

and Amina Tatiana for her costume of Beauty.

Let's get them up here on stage.

Doug won. Where is he?

My husband won first prize.

Amina Tatiana?

Who is Amina Tatiana?

Doug?

Doug, is that you?

I don't know you

and I know you don't know me.

so let's agree to disagree if you want.

But as far as I'm concerned

most people have maybe two or three great moments

in their entire lives.

So, get it right.

If the moment calls, give me the phone.

If the moment drops by tonight, show him in.

Make him comfortable.

Set him up in the easy chair, give him a cup of coffee

because I am definitely into the moment.

He told me "I didn't sleep with Amina."

I told him, "That's a lie.

I can see by the way your nose is flaring you a lie."

I agreed to nine months of marriage counseling.

Gabrielle got a few things off her chest.

...Bastard.

Answer me. Answer me.

Do I love her? Do I love her?

Do I love her?

There are men coming up to me all the time.

They offer me everything.

Clothes, trips, jewelry.

She never cheated on me.

And she could have.

Time...

- And time... - And time...

- Again. - Again.

That hurt me so bad.

Don't get me wrong because I love my daughter very much.

It just hurt me when she had the baby like that

because I wasn't ready.

I know I wasn't ready. I said then I wasn't ready.

And she's gonna make me be ready

by having the baby behind my back?

They say marriages break down in bed first.

Ours didn't.

After we were married

we went to visit my aunt in Burbank, California and...

we went on the Newlywed Game.

We couldn't keep our hands off each other for the whole show.

That's just the way we are.

I think our sex life is really outstanding.

Even though he does have this little problem

with premature ejaculation.

Diarrhea of the mouth.

You know I got three little letters

that'll solve all your problems, A-D-C.

You hurt my feelings.

That's what they're for.

You damn bastard. You no good asshole.

I don't believe you.

Are you through?

What, are you through?

You don't have to go the gym today.

You just worked out.

Play 509 and box it.

I need more toys.

I need more toys!

Hi, Doug.

There you go.

New toy. Black Barbie.

Happy now?

Gabrielle insisted that my work

with the Detroit Human Rights Commission

earned me a six figure salary.

That's ridiculous.

It was volunteer work.

Would I go to a blood bank every Tuesday and Friday

if I had big bucks?

You know, you could sell your blood.

Eight dollars a pint.

I've done it.

I'll never get that low.

I'll never get that low. I'll never get that low.

Well, did you get it?

What do you think?

No?

Yeah, four or five.

Fifty.

That was good work last night, Doug.

Thank you very much.

Let me introduce my new associates.

That's Brian Whitaker, a scholar and a gentleman.

Brian tried to help me out in the end.

Vitamin C.

Goes out when you pee.

And that was the voice of Roddy Pettigrew

in whom both the ass and the hole

meet in perfect union.

Vitamin E.

Makes me sexy.

Hmm. Take a lot of those.

A lot.

But that doesn't necessarily mean

we're going to win this case.

Mr. Marshall himself.

They're sending over four corporate attorneys

to meet with you to discuss their client's position.

Tomorrow at ten-thirty.

You're going to enjoy this one, Doug.

Hmm.

Is that a promise or a threat?

Mr. Street?

Speak on it, Mary.

Your ten-thirty appointment has arrived.

Oh, is that so?

Yes, they're here.

Well, that's fine.

Take them into the conference room,

give them some coffee,

put out the peacock tongue dip and the gefilte fish.

Follow me, gentlemen.

Yeah?

How long are you going to keep these men waiting?

Five more minutes.

- They've already been waiting. - Five minutes.

That's right.

Another five minutes will make it...

Ten.

That's right, Mary.

Can't fool you.

To an amicable settlement.

- Toast. - Cheers.

Cheers.

Everything I did at this luncheon

was calculated to give me the psychological edge.

They each ordered at least two drinks.

I ordered but I didn't drink.

The Chopin lulled them while the alcohol dulled them.

I'll have beefsteak tartar.

Would you care for anything to drink, sir?

Chablis.

Meanwhile, I quickly analyzed my opposition.

That's Barrett on the right.

He's the head honcho...

made it to the top and he's still dissatisfied.

He's got an ulcer,

which is why he went to the bathroom about four times.

That's Jack Griffin, Barrett's hatchet man.

You don't play with him.

Oh, yeah, this guy.

I didn't catch his name.

I think they brought this guy along to be a distraction.

Came straight from the dentist.

That so?

Had my teeth cleaned.

Oh... that so?

I have an appointment

at the tanning spa tomorrow morning at six.

That so?

Hmm?

Did you say the tanning spa?

Yes.

Which one do you go to?

Golden Tones in Briarwood.

Hmm.

Is it very expensive?

Uh...yes actually.

If you're interested I can get you a free guest pass.

Oh, no. No.

I was just doing a little research.

On what?

White people.

It amazes me that whites avidly seek after

all the accoutrements of black style.

You pickle your bodies in gallons of tanning lotion.

You broil your pale flesh brown in the tanning spas

at great expense.

And all the while maintaining such a marvelous contempt

for black people.

Oh, you wiley Caucasians.

Here's to you.

Yep... mm hm.

Well, I'll tell you, you were phenomenal.

You absolutely were phenomenal.

Well...

I love the way you handled those corporate attorneys.

Four corporate attorneys.

- Four. - Like a pro.

Four. Count 'em, four.

Like a pro. And I...

I really liked the eye-to-eye contact.

Very impressive.

That's all part of people skills, you know.

Very impressive. Absolutely.

If you're going to have any influence.

Morning, Mr. Marshall.

Yeah.

If you're going to have any influence on someone

you've got to know how to press their button.

By the way, have you noticed how Roddy has been

in the morning?

He's been real nervous.

Roddy?

- Yeah, he's... - How did you notice that?

Well, he used to pop those vitamins

and now he's into these Rolaids and Tums.

Well, the strain.

The strain at the top.

My work as attorney for the D.H.R.C. carried me

to considerably higher echelons of power.

Hobnobbing with his honor Mayor Coleman Young

was an honor in itself.

- How you doing today, Doug? - Fine, sir, fine.

How about yourself?

My connection with Mayor Young was tenuous

but he did remember my name.

No complaints. Try me tomorrow.

Right. Very good.

Well, you know politics might be interesting.

'Politricks.'

Every evening found me working late.

But do I mind?

Reviewing video depositions is easy.

Renewing broken lines of communication

between a husband and wife, now that's hard.

Little things like pancake syrup

get in the way.

I didn't tell you to put that much syrup on.

Well, I thought you'd like it.

That's why I added extra.

I have a general rule of thumb.

Avoid answering the door whenever possible.

How do you do?

Is Mr. William Douglas Street Junior at home?

Yes.

And may that be you, sir?

Yes.

May we come in for a little musical confection, sir?

Yeah.

Then this is for you.

This message of music is for your amusement

is a happy anniversary.

I'm wishing you the best.

And a happy anniversary, oh yeah.

Through all of the madness.

I shall cherish the gladness

that your love has given to me.

so deep, do sweet, so right.

For a happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary.

Here's to your future, my love.

Tomorrow...

I remember the first moment Gabrielle realized it

was not our anniversary.

...anniversaries are the time to be in love.

Anniversaries are the time to be in love.

Signed T.R.!

Amina.

Hey, babe.

I wonder how long Gabrielle's going to stay locked up

in the bathroom this time?

God, this marriage has gone sour.

Sour like cottage cheese gone bad.

There's too much tension around here.

And tension kills.

No matter what I do, she's steady on my case.

All she does is nag, nag, nag.

Get a job, get a life.

Get 6 grip-

Yeah, grip this.

I know she's gonna like this toy.

It's really gonna add some spice to the game.

I wonder how much Darren shelled out for this.

Oh god, Gabrielle is such a drag.

The only game she wants to play is gimme.

Gimme money, gimme a car.

Gimme Godiva chocolate.

Gimme perfume.

Gimme clothes.

Gimme a break.

Danielle's getting to be just like her.

Gimme games.

Gimme toys.

Gimme dance lessons.

Gimme Ken. Gimme Barbie.

Danielle?

Danielle.

Time to play.

Danielle.

Come to Papa...!

Now, I'm going to kill.

Yes.

Yes...

Daddy look, it's blood.

Uh-huh.

Oh, daddy, why you do that?

Because I'm sick...

Sick?

I'm so sick.

I'm so screwed up.

lam so insane.

Does that tickle?

Does that tickle right there?

Why you two so quiet out there?

Tell me.

Tell me really.

Does it tickle like that?

A-ha!

Well, what about if we tickle like this.

Oh...ow.

Doug, what is goin' on.

What do you think you're doing?

Here, let me wipe that blood off your neck.

I'm sick and tired of trying to get these stains out.

Oh, mommy, you messed up the game.

And you daddy messed up more laundry.

Come on, it's time for you to go to bed anyway.

And Doug, it's time for you to go to the asylum.

This is the stuff that washes out.

Yeah, and I'm the one that's gotta wash it out.

Night 'babe.

Night.

That night in bed I suddenly realized

she hadn't mentioned money once.

She was finally accepting the fact

that money wasn't everything.

And even if it was, I didn't have any.

Babe...

Hmm?

What?

Can you see my eyes moving under my eyelids?

Yes, I can.

Babe...

What?

If you act real nice I'll let you kiss my booty.

Promises, promises.

Hmm, babe.

Your socks are kickin'.

Kickin?

Kickin' with what?

With odor.

Oh.

The next day I went to work fortified.

September 12, 1985.

And I want to be very clear about this.

I am sitting on top of the oyster that is my world.

I'm so happy all of my feelings are registering as cliches.

I've got a song in my heart, love on my lips.

Stuff like that.

I was totally accepted by the commission.

In fact, Mr. Marshall called me a godsend

in front of the whole staff one day.

Speak on it, Mary.

Coffee's here. Would you care for a sweetroll?

Cut the sweetroll, Mary.

Who needs six hundred empty calories?

Send the coffee in this vicinity.

Over and out.

Thank you.

Who knows?

Things might even work out between Gabrielle and me.

I hadn't told her that Mr. Marshall

was about to put me on payroll.

That was going to be a surprise.

Some people call me Mr. Wonderful.

Other people call me wonderful.

Close friends call me...

Doug

Yeah, yeah.

They call me that too.

William Douglas Street, Junior.

Born in a log cabin in the back woods of Kentucky,

young Douglas soon elevated himself

from field hand to tiger.

From tiger to reporter.

And from reporter to doctor.

From doctor to co-ed.

From co-ed to attorney.

From attorney to...congressman.

From congressman to president.

I could play president.

- Doug. - Huh?

There's a state marshall in the outer office asking for you.

He has thirty armed policeman with him.

- You are joking. - No.

Yes, Mary.

Mr. Street, there are several gentlemen here to see you.

This is a warrant. Where's his office?

I'll be right out.

Fire exit.

Yeah...

William Douglas Street?

Don't forget the junior.

I have a warrant here for your arrest.

Would you step over here please?

Put your hands against the wall.

Let's get rid of the cigarette.

Doug, is there anyone you'd like me to call?

Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd call my wife.

The number is IV-6- 3600.

Gabrielle Street.

Tell her...

Where you've been taken.

Yeah, I don't know...

Where are you taking me?

You don't have to worry about contacting your wife.

She knows where you're being taken.

She's in contact with us.

Gabrielle?

I do love you, Doug.

Gabrielle?

I do love you, Doug.

I do, I do, I do love you Doug.

Oh...

Freud spent a lifetime searching for an answer to the question

what does woman want?

He died never having found the answer.

But I've got the answer.

I know what woman wants.

And it's not pantyhose either.

It's blood.

I do love you, Doug.

Shall we go?

I'd like to take something with me?

What's that?

Those two books on my desk by the lamp.

All right.

Once upon a time it rained nine or ten,

maybe nine inches in the forest.

And a lot of the pathways that the animals used

for walking around were flooded.

Have you got that?

So like, it's a major disaster area.

And...

and the scorpion, you see, he...

he's searching for some way...

Any way...

...to get across the stream,

which was now very much like a river

because of the heavy precipitation.

Now, the scorpion, being a scorpion, couldn't swim.

And he was standing by the edge of the water talking about...

Uh-oh.

The scorpion felt enormous psychological and...

...psychosomatic pressure.

How can he ever get across the surging river

and skedaddle back home to his mom

and his dad and his apartment and his 45s

and his personal computer and his destiny.

Which is to sting your ass.

Ow.

In any case, the scorpion is so worried he's beside himself,

his favorite position.

And then all at once a frog appeared

alongside the scorpion.

And the frog said...

The rain was truly radical.

I'll see you later.

And then the scorpion said, wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yes.

How are you going to get across?

And the frog said...

I'm going to swim across.

So...

The scorpion brightened up considerably

because he had an idea.

Okay, frog.

You give me a ride on your back.

When we get to the other side,

I'll reimburse you with some chips.

L got your chip.

But the frog wasn't exactly a moron.

The frog was stupid.

He said...

I'm comatose.

How are you?

And the frog said...

...if I give you a ride you'll sting me and I'll die.

And then everybody will come to my funeral and say,

"He really was a moron, wasn't he?"

And the scorpion said...

Trust me.

Yeah, right.

You know you can trust me.

Why would I sting you when you're saving my life?

The frog stopped and thought.

The scorpion's logic was irrefutable.

Even Mr. Spock couldn't argue with that.

It would be crazy to bite the hand that fed you.

Or in this case sting the back that bore you.

The frog said...

...all right, hop on.

But this is going to cost you a lot of chips.

Oh, yes, I know, I know

whispered the scorpion gratefully

as he delicately positioned himself

squarely on top of the frog.

The frog leaped into the stream

with the scorpion on his back.

He had to swim real, real hard

because the current was against him.

When the frog was halfway across

he began to feel a little tired.

But he kept going anyway-

This is where those aerobics classes paid off.

And the scorpion stung the frog

with is deadly poisonous stinger.

Big deal.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

The frog could feel the poison numb his arms and legs.

They began to stiffen up.

I could just d-i-e, die.

Don't worry, you will.

He began to sink.

Yikes.

Before he did, he had to ask the scorpion one question.

- Why? - Why? -Why?

Why did you do it, you fool?

Now we're both going to die.

What could you have been thinking of?

- Why? - Why?

Right before they sank to their death,

the scorpion kind of shrugged and said...

well, because it's my character.