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Well, now, Hoss,

what would be wrong with covering this splendid structure

with a lovely coat of green, may I ask?

That'd sure be something to see,

all right, Jester-- a green barn.

Well, then, if we agree,

why don't I take all of this hideous red stuff

back to the store and exchange it?

Well, for two very good reasons:

Number one, I don't want to scare the animals half to death,

and number two, I'm halfway finished now.

Well, it goes against me better judgment,

but I'll see it through.

It's mighty fine of you, Hoss,

to let me earn a few extra dollars this way

for my little Jenny.

Well, it'll help pay

some of the doctor's bills, anyhow, won't it?

Aye, it sure will.

You're a saint, Hoss; a true saint.

What with your assistance,

plus delivering for the store

and handling the mail,

I can just about make ends meet.

Speaking of the mail, have you delivered it to Pa yet?

Oh, no, no! I forgot it again.

It's in me back pocket. Oh, I was...

Well, dad-burnit, you'd better get it in there.

He's gonna have a hissy.

This is the third time this week. Yeah, I know.

And on the way... Yeah?

Go through the kitchen-- ol' Hop Sing's got

a great big apple cobbler in there for Jenny.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Hoss!

Here. Here you are. Yeah.

Ho!

Oh.

Well, howdy!

Here.

Here we go, Annie.

Thanks. Ooh. There we are.

Whoo-whee!

I sure do like this place, don't you, boys?

We sure do, Annie.

Howdy. Howdy.

Uh, anything we can do for you?

Well, I'm lookin' for Hoss Cartwright.

Oh. ls he expecting you?

Oh, he sure is expecting me.

I'm Annie Slocum.

How d'you do?

And these are my brothers,

Brother Jed and Brother Ned.

Howdy.

Mr. Slocum. How are you?

It's a marriage.

Uh, I'm Ben Cartwright.

This is my son Joseph.

Uh, where is your brother?

Uh, last time I saw him,

he was painting the barn. Oh.

Oh-oh, there... uh, Hoss!

There you are!

Ooh, whoo-whee.

Handsome as handsome, ain't he, boys?

He don't look too bad, Annie.

He's even better-looking in person.

Uh, Hoss, these people have come to see you.

I'm Annie, Sugarplum.

These here's my brothers, Jed and Ned.

Well, say howdy, boys. Howdy.

Howdy. Howdy.

Howdy.

Uh... is there something I can do for you?

Something he can do for you?

He's a real funny galoot, ain't he, Annie?

Well, sure is.

Seein' how's I come all the way from Kentuck

just to get hitched to him.

Well, I'm right in the middle of paintin'...

Hitched?!

Well, I think might be a good idea if we just sat down

and made ourselves comfortable.

Ah. Why, thank you. We'll talk this over in...

Boy! talk this over in a, uh...

Uh, would mind taking your feet of the table, please?

Thank you.

I---

Would you like a cold drink of some sort?

Oh, that'd taste right fine. Yeah.

Thank you.

Joseph, would you get the lemonade, please?

Yes, sir. I'll get it. Never mind.

You just stay right where you are.

Joseph will get the lemonade.

Whoo-whee!

My, this is a purty house.

Aw, Sugarplum,

is this the honeymoon nest you wrote me about?

"Sugarplum"? Now look here, ma'am,

I ain't never wrote you nothin' about nothin'!

There's been some sort of mistake

somewhere along the line.

Well, of course you wrote her.

Sis saved all them letters.

Oh, uh, you, uh... you have some letters?

I certainly have.

Right there in that traveling bag.

Uh... I'd like to see those, if I may.

Them's private,

'tween Sugarplum and me.

Ain't no stranger gonna see those letters.

This ain't no stranger.

This here's my pa.

'Pears to me like

somebody's trying to weasel their way out of something.

After we spent every last cent we got a-gettin' out here.

I'd say we've been slickered.

Now wait just a minute!

Now, first of all, put those guns down.

Now just, just set 'em down.

Yeah, all right, boys. Now, you've been saying

some things here about my son...

Joseph, would you get the lemonade?

Oh. The lemonade. Yeah.

Now, I hope you can back up

those statements you've been making.

Oh, that Hoss.

Oh...

Jester, since when have you been taking to stealing pies?

Oh, no! No, Little Joe.

This is me own apple cobbler

that Hop Sing made for my little Jenny, bless her heart.

Oh...

Sure, then why are you

sneakin' around here like a little elf?

Sure, and that would be me own business, Mr. Cartwright.

I told you,

I saw his advertisement in the matrimony paper,

where he asked that any widow

who wanted to get married to write him.

Ma'am, I ain't never advertised in nothing!

Ain't that right, Pa?

0h, Sugarplum, how could you?

Oh, ma'am...

Miss... Miss Annie, don't...

Oh...!

You can see for yourself.

In this one, he asked me to marry him.

A-And in this one, he sent me his picture.

And in this one,

he tells me he's a rich rancher

and the Ponderosa is gonna be our honeymoon cottage.

It sure does look like Hoss with that prize hog of his.

Mmm.

But Pa, that ain't even...

that ain't even my handwritin'.

And I guess you're gonna tell me

that that ain't no picture of you huggin' that hog, neither.

0h, Sugarplum...

I never thought you could do this to me.

They ain't nobody gonna jilt our little Annie

and get away with it.

Well?

What are we gonna do with this here Blackbeard?

Uh, Blue... Bluebeard.

I don't care what color his whiskers is.

They's gonna be a wedding just like we planned,

or somebody's gonna get...

sued from here to kingdom come.

There's laws against jiltin' helpless widows.

Dad-burnit, wait a minute!

Somebody get the door. There'll be a weddin'

just like we planned. Answer the door.

Right! You betcha there's gonna be a weddin'...

Somebody answer the door!

Somebody answer the door! But...

Excuse me. I'll do it myself.

Oh. Yes, ma'am?

Pardon, Monsieur.

Perhaps I was misinformed in the village.

Is this not the chateau of, uh...

Poopsie!

Oh, man chéri!

Oh! You shut up, you.

Get your paws off my man,

you feather-bound Jezebel!

Insolent peasant.

How dare you insult Yvette? Oh!

Go back to your housework.

Housework?!

Ladies!

Ladies! I'll show you

some housework, you, you,

you over-painted, pie-faced,

calculatin'... I... get...

La-Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies.

Ladies, ladies, dignity,

dignity, dignity, dignity, please.

Lemonade?

0h!

I tell you, Hoss, according to Lawyer Minton,

both those ladies got a good case against you,

if they decide to take you into court.

According to the evidence,

all supports their story.

You know, from the point of view of the legalities

and the standpoint of a jury,

they got a good case against you.

So then...

so 'bout the only chance I gots

is to find the yahoo

that really wrote them dad-burned letters, ain't it?

That's about it, Hoss.

Well, I better get inside

and order all this stuff our guests wanted.

Quite a list, huh? Yeah.

Uh, look, Pa, maybe I'll see you after a while.

I... I think I'll go over at the saloon

and get me a bunch of beer. Oh, no, no.

I know exactly what you're gonna do.

You're going to the Ponderosa

to make sure those two females

don't tear that place apart room by room.

Now move. But...

Get going.

"Poopsie."

Hi, Bob.

Hello, Matt. Howdy, Ben.

What can I do for you?

Hey, Matt...

you wouldn't have any truffles, would you?

Well, Ben, I got all kinds of troubles.

No, not troubles, Matt.

I got plenty of those myself.

No, truffles.

Truffles.

Truffles?

Yeah, they're... something you eat.

Never heard of 'em.

What are they like?

Well, uh, they're... it's a, uh...

Well, never mind.

How 'bout escargot?

Esca r-Wh at?

Escargot.

Well, that's French or "snails."

Now I know you're joking.

No, I wish I was.

I got a houseful of people at the Ponderosa, staying...

Yeah, news travels fast, Ben.

Yeah, bad news.

Well, anyway, one of 'em's a young French woman.

These truffles and snails, that was her idea.

Trying to get at a man through his stomach.

You ain't sayin' Hoss is gonna eat snails, are you, Ben?

Well, you can't insult your guests.

Under those conditions, I'd be willing to try.

Yeah, wouldn't blame you.

What am I... oh, listen, I've been meaning to ask you.

Uh, you handle all the mail

that comes through here, don't you?

Most of the time.

Or sometimes Jester does.

Oh.

Uh, well, do you remember

any mail going through here with, uh, these names on it?

Like, uh... Yvette Devereaux,

New Orleans?

No. No.

How about Annie Slocum,

Kentucky?

Don't guess I do.

Wouldn't be likely to forget them names, either.

No, I guess not.

Well, I'll, uh, I'll talk to Jester about 'em.

He didn't come to work today.

Uh, Jenny's sick again.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I guess Jester'd be at the house, huh?

Well, Iess'n he's out scrounging himself up

some other work somewheres, on my time.

Thinks I don't know about it, that Killarney road bandit.

Well, good luck to Hoss,

and may the best gal win.

Oh, don't say that too loudly.

Hey, listen, uh...

you, uh, make out the rest of that list,

all except them truffles and snails.

I'll be back in a little while.

All right, Ben.

Snails.

I don't want any more

of your smelly old medicine!

Jenny, darling, please.

The doctor only wants to help you!

Don't want no smelly old doctor!

Send him away!

Oh, now, honey, look...

don't make me break the door down.

She's having an attack, Jester.

I have to get to her pretty soon.

I don't want no smelly old doctor!

Send him away!

Well, Jester, I guess that's it.

No use hanging around,

since Jenny's not gonna open that door.

I'll be going now.

Yes, Doctor.

Good-bye!

And a good-bye to you, Doctor.

Is he gone?

Well...

Let me go!

Come on, now, Jenny. I won't hurt you one bit.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Come on, now,

Into bed you go. Get her in there

before she has another attack. Into bed you go, there!

Now, this good... Now, Jenny, Jenny, darling,

you're going to take this good medicine.

Down it all, now. Are you ready, Doctor?

Oh, I'm ready. Oh, and that...

Just remember to give her

a half a teaspoon full of this every couple of hours.

Ah, that I will, Doctor.

You go to sleep. You sleep.

She'll be all right, won't she, Doctor?

For now, Jester. Eh...

She's not responding.

In fact, she's succeeding in making herself even worse

and is developing signs of asthma,

which could become really serious in time.

Well, you get her the best medicines you can.

I'll find the money to pay for them, somehow.

Jester...

you know and I know

that the best medicine for Jenny would be a mother.

A real mother.

No an imaginary one,

not a memory.

I had a notion...

a dream, a wild dream...

but I never counted on the fatal charm

of that Hoss Cartwright.

And now it has destroyed me best-laid plans.

What in the world are you talking about, Jester?

What's Hoss Cartwright got to do with you?

There's no earthly use discussing it.

I've lost me last,

me most desperate bid

for the happiness of me tiny tot,

me lovely Jenny.

He's poisoned me, Daddy,

he's poisoned me!

I'm dying, Daddy!

Oh, Jenny, oh, Jenny, now... He's given me poison.

Please, now, Jenny.

She's as pixilated as you are, Jester.

Get that child in bed.

I've gotta go now.

I must be seven calls behind by now.

Yes, Doctor.

I am dying, Daddy!

Dying!

He's given me poison!

Oh, Jenny.

I'll be by again tomorrow.

Well, uh, thank you kindly, Doctor.

Joe.

You gotta help me. You gotta save me.

That French gal, she's dangerous.

You know, I don't know what you got that these women want,

but whatever it is, Hoss, you ought to bottle it and sell it.

Ooh, Poopsie!

Joe, you're my brother. Hoo-ooh!

Hoss... You gotta help me.

'Ooh!"

Ooh, Poopsie.

Oh, you bad, bad boy.

Hoss!

Oh, Hoss!

Uh-oh.

Why, you painted pile of French pastry!

I warned you to keep your hands off my husband-to-be.

Your husband-to-be?

You corn-fed Amazon, you.

"You corn-fed Amazon..."

You... Corn-fed Amazon, eh?

Why... why, I'll slug you so hard

that sky'll be raining feathers.

0h!

En Garde, en... Ah, let me at her, let me at her,

let me go, let me go!

Excuse me, Poopsie.

Good morning. Good morning.

I'm Libby Spencefield.

Libby Spencefield?

Boston, Massachusetts?

Uh, let-let me guess.

You're looking for Hoss Cartwright.

Yes.

My fiancé.

Oh---...

what a magnificent house.

Oh---...

we should have a simply glorious wedding.

♪♪

Ah, Jenny, Jenny...

why are you always doing things like that?

I didn't want that big old doctor around, Daddy.

I want you to stay with me always.

Oh, my poor baby.

I've tried being mother and father to you

and I've failed you in both.

I had a real mommy once,

didn't I, Daddy?

That you did, darlin'.

My mommy...

tell me again about my mommy, please.

She was the dearest, loveliest spirit

the good Lord ever put inside a body.

And I loved her so much.

And so it was she chose me,

that together we could have

a lovely, sweet little girl.

Was that little girl me?

Yes, dear heart.

It was you.

It was you, Jenny.

It was you.

♪♪

Ah! Morning, Doc.

Whoa. How are you, Ben?

How are you?

Been to see Jenny?

Yeah.

Poor child.

I don't know which is worse,

her asthma or her need for a mother's care.

Yeah. I can't understand

why Jester doesn't get married again.

Well, I've tried to talk him into it, Ben, believe me.

But you know Jester. Oh, yes.

Why, just a little while ago,

he was babbling some nonsense

about some wild scheme and...

about Hose's charm having destroyed his plans.

W... wait a minute. What did you say?

He said Hose's charms

had destroyed his plans?

Yeah.

He said he didn't have a chance

against Hose's charms.

Guess you didn't know that you'd spawned

a real charmer, did you, Ben?

No, I sure didn't,

but I'm just beginning to find out.

So that's what this is all about.

I swear it must be the weather.

Now you're talking just as mysterious as Jester himself.

Well, I gotta be off.

So long. Yeah, so long, Doc.

And thanks! Thanks.

Hoss...

Ah, Mr. Cartwright!

Come in, come in.

Well, thank you, Jester.

It's good to see you. Yes.

0h, say, I just passed the doctor.

I'm sorry to hear about Jenny.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Cartwright.

She's feeling better.

Sound asleep. Oh, good. Good.

But it's very considerate of you to come asking about her

and I thank you for it. Not at all.

I'll get you the coffee.

Oh, uh, listen.

I-I came here to see you.

Huh? About some letters.

Letters? What letters would you be meaning, Mr. Cartwright?

Well, a strange thing.

It seems that somebody's been forging Hose's name

to some letters, and... Oh...

having them postmarked Virginia City.

That's against the law.

A body could go to jail for that.

Yes, yes, I'm aware of that. Yeah.

You wouldn't, uh, know anything about them, would you?

Me, Mr. Cartwright?

You see,

you and Matt are the only two handling the mail,

and, uh, I knew it wasn't Matt,

so I thought perhaps it might be you.

Now, try to remember something.

I... See, these letters were written

to two different women. Oh.

Now, see if these names mean anything to you.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Annie Slocum.

Annie Slocum...

Yes. Annie Slocum.

And the other one is Yvette Devereaux.

Yvette Devereaux, huh?

Now, those names should be

kind of easy to remember, don't you think?

It's coming back to me, Mr. Cartwright,

it's coming back to me.

I remember now, it was a stranger that mailed 'em.

Yes, sir, sure enough.

I'm beginning to see him now.

Flashy-dressed, with a fancy vest.

I'd say a gambling man.

And he posted those letters.

That's right.

A flashy-dressed gamblin' man.

Well, that explains how the letters were posted, then.

So... Yes. Yes, it does.

Tell me, what do you think happened

to the letters that the ladies sent to Hoss?

Oh, yes, oh, yes. You...

The-the letters the ladies sent to Hoss.

Yes, you see,

those ladies answered Hose's letters.

Oh, yeah. And, uh...

they must have gone through the post office,

except that, uh, Hoss never received them.

Oh, yes, Hoss... Whatever happened to them?

What do you think happened to them, now?

Oh, yes, what happened to them?

Well...

Maybe they was lost.

Yeah. Or maybe, uh...

maybe they was stolen.

All of them?

It don't hold water, do it?

Ah, well.

Of course, it-it really...

it really isn't, uh, it really isn't your fault, is it?

Uh, it's not?

No, of course not. Oh?

You were hired as a postal employee,

not as a detective. Oh, sure now,

and that's a fact, sir.

Now, you could really be of great help to me

if you wanted to be.

And how could I be that?

By helping me prove my theory.

Oh, yes!

Eh... what might that be, sir?

It could be...

that Hoss-- my son, Hess--

In an impassioned moment,

wrote those letters.

Ah...!

And then had this mysterious gambler

mail them for him.

Aha... Or it could be

that Little Joe wrote those letters

as a joke on Hoss.

Oh, glory be! In either case,

you will help me, won't you?

I certainly will, sir.

How?

By coming to the Ponderosa

and being with my guests--

You'll bring Jenny, of course--

And while you're there...

I'll observe for suspicious moves.

Exactly. Exactly.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Now you're thinking, Jester.

Now you're thinking.

I can't tell you how greatly relieved I am

to find that your thinking in this matter

so exactly coincides with mine.

Ah, thank you, sir.

Oh...

Well, now.

How about that coffee, huh?

Well, now, that's a wonderful idea.

Ah, there you are, sir.

Nice hot coffee.

I keep it on the stove all the time.

Yes.

Ah, yes, sir.

Whoa.

I mean, Pa, it's been like this all day.

Howdy, Poopsie!

Ooh, Hoss, chéri!

Chéri, 'Oss, wait a minute.

Wait for me!

"Wait for me!"

Joe, I don't think your brother's gonna appreciate

you laughing like that. Oh, I can't help it, Pa.

He looks like a young rooster with a whole flock of pullets.

Hey, Jester, how you doing?

And a good day to you, Little Joe.

Good... Ooh, and how's my little Jenny?

You miss me, baby?

Little Joe, Hoss did look funny.

Why was that lady chasing him?

Uh, w-why was the lady chasing him?

Th-They were playing a little kind of a game of tag, Jenny.

Hoss? Hoss!

You naughty boy!

Where are you hiding?

Hoss, dear!

Where are you?

Who's that? Hmm?

Oh, that-that's Libby Spencefield.

She checked in while you were in town.

She's from New England.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Not another.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, she's elevating Hose's mentality.

Teaching him about, oh, things like Chaucer

and New England history... that sort of thing,

so they'll be compatible when they get married.

In the meantime, big Annie Slocum's

fixed about four messes of possum for Hoss.

I never thought I'd see my brother

turn green at the dinner table.

He'd been hiding in the barn, till Yvette found him.

Oh, yeah, I-I... I saw that.

Mr. Cartwright,

Hop Sing going to quit.

Oh, Jester...

Mmm, it's a big day.

I leaving today!

No, we can... Unless this foreign lady

go back to Kentucky!

Mr. Cartwright, this man has got to go.

He is constantly underfoot in my kitchen.

Yeah, but... "Her" kitchen!

In my kitchen,

I just caught him trying to put

a dirty old bird's nest in my soup for Hoss!

Hmph! Scat!

Scat, scat, scat, scat! Uh...

Uh, Hop Sing, don't worry.

Everything'll be all right. You go on into the kitchen.

No wonder poor Sugarplum eats like a bird.

Like a bird? Like a bird?

Who are they?

Oh, uh...

Annie Slocum, this is Mr. Jester McGillicuddy.

Glad to make your acquaintance, mum.

Howdy.

And, uh, Miss Jenny McGillicuddy.

Jenny, say hello to the lady.

I'd rather not.

Oh, so you'd rather not, eh?

Ooh, in Kentuck,

I'd know how to peel a little turnip like you.

Ooh!

Jenny!

Shame on you, girl.

Shame on you.

What'll Miss Annie think?

I think I'll be needin' some help

in the kitchen with my vegetable cuttin'.

Come on, young lady.

I think I'm gonna be short of breath, Daddy!

I think I'm gonna be sick!

We Kentucky folks have a cure for what ails her.

It's called work.

Well... Help! Daddy! Mr. Cart...!

She's going to beat me!

I'm going to faint!

That'll be the day.

Uh, Mr. Cartwright,

do you think that my Jenny is safe with that woman?

Well, I'll tell you, Jester,

it seems to me that, uh...

Annie's medicine might be just the right thing for her.

0h?

Oh---...

Hoss, what are...?

Shh! Shh!

What the devil are...

Shh, Pa. Pa...

I've been up there in my room.

Where's them gals?

Outside, getting some air.

What are you skulking around like this for?

Well, dad-burnit, Pa, between Miss Yvette

and her truffles and snails...

and-and Ned and Jed and their mess of possums

and-and Miss Libby cramming all that

fancy bookwork down my brain

I'm-I'm about to blow a cork.

Yeah, I've-I've been giving this problem of yours

a bit of consideration, son.

You have three brides

and one very reluctant bridegroom.

That's not very good odds.

Unless...

Unless what?

You got an idea?

Well, I-I just might have, son.

Weren't you and Little Joe gonna play poker

with Will Parkiss tonight?

Yeah, I was gonna.

Hoss...

I think you just ought to go over there and play poker.

And, uh, make sure you go through the kitchen.

All right.

Pa,

I'm gonna be depending on you.

Good evening.

Good evening. Bonsoir.

Lovely ladies

and a lovely night.

Lovely music.

Ay.

How lonely it sounds.

A couple of nice boys, Ned and Jed.

Nice boys.

It's strange how...

people can show their loneliness

through their music.

You'd never know.

Those boys have hearts as big as potato sacks.

But lonely as a desert night.

Poor boys.

Poor boys.

What'll they do when Annie leaves them?

How they'll miss the soft touch

of a woman in their life.

Poor boys.

So lonely.

Just like me.

Nobody wants me.

Oh, why...

I, uh... I wouldn't say that.

No, sir.

Why, do you know that I heard the Slocum boys saying that...

Well, I... I guess I can tell you.

Well, I-I heard them Slocum boys say that, uh...

that you and Miss Libby here were two real beauties.

Oh, there are a lot of fish in the ocean.

You know that son, Hoss, of mine--

Well, he never did know a pretty woman when he saw one.

Did they-- the Slocum boys-- did they really say that we...?

Well, they-they never...

come right out blunt-like and say it. Uh...

Well, let me tell you about those two boys.

Underneath those rough exteriors,

beat two hearts of gold.

Yes, ma'am.

Two hearts of gold.

Well, I guess it's time for me to be turning in.

Good night, ladies.

Good night. Pleasant dreams.

Bonsoir, Monsieur Cartwright.

It is lovely music, isn't it?

Divine, one might say.

Poor boys.

They do sound lonely.

Do they not?

Terribly.

That was pretty.

Yeah.

Hey, Ned, look at them stars.

Like wildflowers on fire, ain't they?

Pretty, all right.

Kind of reminds me of old Kentuck.

The moon just like a big old lantern.

You homesick, Ned?

Kinda, I guess.

This is mighty fine country.

A feller could set his roots down, if he put his mind to it.

Yeah, and-and come spring, planting some corn

and hoeing it and watching it grow.

Maybe own a little ol' still out back.

Making us up a big old batch of that pure golden...

...good ol' mountain dew.

Mountain dew.

Wouldn't that be something?

That sure would be something.

Makes my ol' mouth water just thinking about it.

Makes me kind of lonely just saying them words.

Mountain dew.

Good ol' mountain dew.

Aw, now, that's enough of that stuff for one night.

Oh, aren't you going to play just a bit more?

How long you two she-males been standing there?

Just a few minutes.

But we just love your music.

It is-- well, how shall I say?-- very romantic.

Let's get out of here, brother.

Why, if I didn't know better,

I'd think you gentlemen didn't like us.

I think they do like us,

but they are afraid.

Aren't you, man chéri? Afraid of a woman?

Maybe Frenchmen is afraid of women but not us mountain men.

Oh, a Frenchman never runs from a lovely woman.

Neven

Or don't you think we are lovely?

Well...

You're-you're passable, I reckon.

And am I "possible"?

"Passable," ma'am, "passable."

Is there a difference?

As you would say, vive la différence.

Hey, Brother Ned, I think they're talking

in some language I don't rightly understand.

We are talking the language of love.

Love? I-I could love my mule and my squirrel gun,

but I reckon that's about all.

Don't forget that sour mash, brother.

Yeah, that, too.

Oh, poor things.

You will have to be taught.

Taught?

Oh, pardon, Monsieur.

Oh, pardon me, ma'am.

I just, uh...

Well, I did not see you.

I-I didn't see you, neither.

I-I was just, uh, poking along and thinkin' about last night,

uh, uh, down by the corral.

Uh, uh, I was also thinking.

That's funny, both us thinkin' at once.

Y-You know, I think all the time nearly.

And-and sometimes I think about the doggonest things.

Really? 'oh. yeah!

You know, once't I was a-walkin' along

and suddenly I commenced to thinkin' about

how I'd like to just peel off my boots

and-and-and run in the mud,

just like a little old kid.

And-and did you?

Sure did, just like that.

How thrilling to be so impulsive.

"Impulsive"?

I-I-I ain't scared of nothing

that walks or swims or crawls.

Not even girls?

Well, I-I just...

Oh, you do not seem afraid of me.

Well, I-I reckon I forgot that you was a girl

just for a minute. Ooh, you're just saying that.

No, ma'am.

No, ma'am, Miss Yvette, I ain't.

Why, if it wasn't for that Hoss Cartwright, I'd-I'd...

Ah, you'd what, Monsieur Slocum?

Well, I'd... I'd...

Monsieur Slocum,

are you fond of escargot?

"Escargot"?

Well, seeing I ain't never met him,

it be hard to say yes or no, ma'am.

Oh, you silly boy.

Has anybody told you

you have a delightful sense of humor?

Let's talk about New Orleans.

Have you ever been there, man Cheri?

Of course, I never did see

what you gals saw in that Hoss anyhow.

Except he was big and rich

and handsome.

Oh, which any fella could be if he'd set his mind to it.

What you been reading-- a cookbook?

Oh, why, no, it's Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Don't you think he's divine?

Is he a Yankee or South?

Well, I imagine he'd be classified a Yankee.

I don't like him then.

0h?

Have you read him, Mr. Slocum?

No.

I ain't ever met him.

Ch, of course, I-I ain't got nothin'

against Yankee she-males.

Naturally, I hate men Yankees

more than I hate "potater" bugs.

Mr. Slocum, now what quarrel could you possibly have

with this beautiful passage?

Oh...! Oh, oh, I'm sorry!

Terribly sorry, I...

How do...? Yeah.

Well, I'll-I'll own...

for a Yankee, it ain't bad.

Oh---...

Well...

I reckon I'm pretty dumb.

Ain't had no time for schooling.

While Sister Annie was growing up,

me and Brother Ned had to work on the farm.

Uh, us being just orphans.

And you sacrificed yourself for her.

Oh---...

how noble.

How inspired.

Oh.

Why, Mr. Slocum--

Jed?--

makes me want to cry.

Oh, oh, well, I was just...

Oh, there's beauty in your soul, Jed.

They is?

I knew it from the very first moment I saw you.

But I was blind. You was?

Blinded by selfishness!

Thinking only of myself.

Tossing myself shamelessly at Hoss Cartwright

without a thought to... To-to me?

Precisely!

Oh, dearest Jed...

You must read.

You must learn to read.

You must let me guide you,

as Lady Beatrice guided Dante

through the wonders which lie before us.

You-you really think

you could learn a dumb mule like me to read and write?

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Oh! Oh, dear Jed.

Oh, Miss Libby.

I see in you...

the soul of a rural poet,

a Southern Henry Longfellow, perchance...

awaiting its redemption from the depths of darkness

to burst forth brilliantly

into the lights of literary skies.

You see all them things in me?

Oh, yes.

Gee, willikers!

Be careful! Oh!

Be careful!

You hurt somebody!

Oh, they're my dishes!

I won't peel any more potatoes!

I won't! I won't!

Oh, yes, you will!

I hate you! You're just a mean old lady!

You spanked me!

I warned you what would happen

if you pulled out that slingshot again!

Jenny... Daddy! Daddy!

Aw! Save me!

I-I can't breathe! I'll die!

She "can't breathe." Well, she sure can holler.

The child suffers from asthma, Miss Annie.

The doctor says... The doctors!

What do they know about kids, anyway?

Now, look, Miss Annie... Now, Mr. Cartwright...

I might not be too smart about a lot of things,

but I was a child once myself,

and I know a surefire cure for that little hellion.

Kentucky-style cure, that is.

Well, Hoss, stop gaping.

Pick up that child, take it upstairs to the bedroom.

And as for you, you just stay put.

Well, now... This is woman's work!

Well...

Glory be!

Whew!

She's quite a woman.

She ain't no wailing banshee.

No, she ain't. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Why, just set her right over here on this bed.

Yes'm.

And I'm gonna need some red flannel...

and, uh, show me where the medicine's kept.

Yep... Uh... I'll take care of her.

Ma'am, the medicine's over there under that...

All right... I don't want nothing!

The only flannel I got's over there

in them drawers in the dresser. I don't care what you want!

All right, I'll get it. Don't just stand there.

You're in the way, get out! Yes'm.

Well...

Now, you sit still here.

You're gonna... Let me...

If you're gonna have an attack, just go right ahead.

I hate you! I hate you!

Let me go! Let me go!

Boy, Pa, that-that Kentucky gal is sure determined.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So's Jenny.

Uh, Mr. Cartwright?

I wonder if you'd care to accompany me upstairs

for a peep at the proceedings?

Uh, you, uh,

you a little scared of Annie?

Ooh, well, now,

it-it ain't Annie

and it ain't Jenny.

But the two of them makes a mighty earthquake.

She's murdering me!

She's murdered me poor child!

Glory be!

Well, come in, Mr. McGillicuddy.

Are you all right, Jenny darling?

Well, why shouldn't she be all right?

Since when has a warm bed and good rubdown

done a child any harm?

Mmm, what this child needs is love--

A mother's love.

I've been giving that very idea

a bit of serious consideration of late.

Well, have you now, Mr. McGillicuddy?

Well, things have sure simmered down upstairs.

Yeah, upstairs.

Hey, Pa, Hoss!

Hey!

Take a look at this.

Hey, where'd you find this?

Found it on the bunkhouse door.

Hoss, listen to this:

"Dear Hoss, Little Joe and Mr. Cartwright.

"Please forgive us for going like this

"but it could not be helped.

"Jed and Ned need us more than Hoss ever will.

"And we've discovered we need them.

"Please don't worry about your double-seated buckboard

"as we shall return it after the wedding.

Your friends forever, Yvette and Libby."

Hot dogs!

Hey, Pa, I-I'm a free man!

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, come here.

There's more.

Hmm. "We all hope Annie and Hess

will be very, very happy."

Well, Rome wasn't built in a day.

It ain't Rome I'm worried about.

It's me.

Uh, gentlemen?

I'm sure we're all agreed

that motherhood is an indispensible

and noble role.

Don't make a speech, just tell them.

Yes, uh, Mr. Cartwright, Hoss,

every child like my little dear Jenny needs a mother.

Yes, yes, a proper mother.

Exactly, sir.

Someone who would love and cherish her

as-as you do.

Um, my very own thoughts, Mr. Cartwright.

You know, I've been thinking about that.

I've been thinking that...

actually Annie and-and Hoss

could learn to love and cherish Jenny.

That is if she's, uh, if she's up for adoption.

Adopt...

Well, uh, that's not exactly

what I had in view now.

Of course, certainly, Hoss is...

well, he's a, he's a fetching and a fascinating fella--

Muscular, handsome

and quite a brain, too, I might say.

But I, I've never dared hoped, uh...

What he's trying to say is that, uh,

well, I can't marry Hoss.

You can't?

You can't marry Hoss?

Nope.

No, because, uh,

I'm, uh,

I'm gonna marry him.

You see, th-this funny little Irish fella,

he, uh, well, he really needs me.

And, well, so does that sweet little Jenny.

And, so, uh,

well, you understand,

don't you, Hoss?

Well, I'll, I'll tell you, Miss Annie--

It ain't gonna be easy.

But... doggone it,

the best man won, so congratulations!

Uh, thank you, Hoss.

Congratulations! My goodness, yes.

And my very best wishes to you.

All the luck in the world. We're gonna have a wedding

at the Ponderosa after all!

Dad-burnit, and I'm gonna give the brides away-- all of them!

Snookums!

This has been a color production

of the NBC Television Network.