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Unh! Oh, excuse me, Roy.

Doggone it, I was going through the mail here. I wasn't paying--

It's all right, Hoss.

I got no time for no chitchat, though.

What's the matter? You got trouble?

Not if I find him first, and there's his rig.

Whose rig? That Lothario Larkin is back in town.

Lothario Larkin.

Well, I'll be doggone.

Who would've figured old Lothario could've ever afforded a rig like this?

Gonna be nice to see that cool again.

The only place you're gonna see him is in my jail,

when I find him.

Oh, now, Roy, there ain't nothing wrong with Lothario.

He's a pretty nice fellow. He's just maybe a little too friendly. Ha-ha-ha.

I told him last time I threw him out of town,

when he comes back, it's gonna be to a nice, safe jail cell.

You any idea where he's at? Well--

Does that answer your question?

Come on.

Whoa!

Ah.

You see that, Roy? Picking that stuff up, he's changed.

You wanna bet?

Ladies, now that everything is peaceful and quiet,

will you join me at the bar?

You haven't changed a bit. Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

Hoss! Hey!

Com pad re!

Ha, ha. Come in, Hoss.

Hi there, Lothario. Ha, ha.

Oh, bigger and prettier than ever, Hoss.

Well, thank you, Lothario.

You look pretty good yourself. Right prosperous-like.

Oh, I am. I got me a little gold mine over in Californy.

As a matter of fact, I've been doing so good,

I decided to come over here and take a little vacation

and, um, ha, renew old friendships.

Mr. Larkin, the only old friendships you're gonna renew

is through the bars of one of my jail cells.

I told you last time you were here, if you came back,

I'd throw you in jail. Oh, Roy.

All right, then, I'll give him his choice.

In the jail or out of the town. One.

Ahh. Too bad, Hoss.

Their gentlemen friends decided to leave very suddenly,

and we could've had ourselves a nice party. Heh.

No, thank you, Lothario.

Oh, Hoss, that reminds me. I owe you something.

You remember the last time Roy throwed me out of town,

you staked me? You don't have to do that, Lothario.

No, I wanna give it back. I'm rich.

Besides, I owe you a lot more than money, Hoss.

Lothario, time is a-wasting.

Well, you ladies might just as well spend this yourselves.

Looks like I'm leaving.

Oh, but, Lothario, you just got here.

But like he said, he's just leaving.

Now, come on.

Oh, it means I gotta take another long ride.

I hurt my back coming in yesterday, and this tussle and--

Hoss, can you see anything?

It feels like a muscle spasm or something.

If it's a muscle spasm, you need some liniment oil.

If you could make it out to the Ponderosa,

you could spend the night tonight, then get a fresh start in the morning.

Aw.

Oh, Hoss, that sounds just wonderful.

I'd get to see your pa again, and the brothers,

and it wouldn't make my trip seem near so wasted.

Yeah, well, what about it, Roy?

So long as he's out of Virginia City.

Come on.

Oh, Hoss.

I just remembered, there's...

...something I gotta pick up before I go out.

So why don't you go ahead, and then I'll come out later, all right?

Roy? All right, do what you have to do.

But be on your way in a half hour, you hear?

I promise, sheriff. I promise.

It's him, isn't it?

It's really him.

What's the matter, Laura, does he bring back regrets?

No, but...

Let's get away from here. I--

The money and the action is here. We stay just as long as it's profitable.

And, Laura...

...don't get any ideas.

For his sake. Understand?

Hoss, how could you do it?

How could you do it?

How could you let Lothario loose in Virginia City again?

Pa, he gave me his word of honor

that he's gonna stay out of trouble.

Now, he just wanted to pick up something, that's all.

Hoss, he's like an old cougar. A cougar's got no honor.

Look, maybe something happened to him.

Yeah. Yeah, something nice.

Something romantic.

Little brother, you've got a mighty suspicious mind.

Yeah, when it comes to Lothario, you bet I do.

Look, uh, I better get started. Adam's gonna be looking for me.

Be back in a couple days. We'll have those wild horses hobbled.

You just sit right down again, young man.

We're gonna need you more than Adam does.

We're gonna be mighty unpopular people

unless we can keep that Lothario hobbled.

Hey, we're here!

Stan hobbling.

Ben. Little Joe.

Well, he wasn't lying. He picked up something.

Oh, no, it's Meg Jones.

Her old man will kill him.

Ah, Ben. Lothario.

Joe. 50 good to see you fellows. Lothario. Hi, Meg.

Oh, it seems like it's been a million years, huh?

Yeah, well, seems just like yesterday to me, Lothario.

I hope we ain't late for dinner. We're hungrier than a whale in a mini pond.

Oh, Ben, I brought a beautiful rose

to decorate your dinner table.

Yeah, you sure did, Lothario.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Mm-hm.

Meg?

Does your pa know

that you're buggy-riding with Lothario?

No, but he can't stop me. I'm of age.

Yeah, ahem, well, I guess you are.

I think it might be best if Hoss

was to take you home right new, young lady.

Oh, wait a minute, Ben.

What are you taking about? This is kind of discourteous--

Uncouneous, rude and uncivilized.

Lothario, you're coming this way.

No, Ben, now wait-- Lothario.

My goodness gracious. Now, come on...

All I can say is you Canwrights are mighty high-handed.

Whoa, ho.

Now, Meg, you ain't got no call

to be so dad-burned sore at me.

It's just like Pa said.

You ain't got no business running around with a man like Lothario Larkin.

He's broke more heads than half--

Why, you sanctimonious bag of wind. Why don't you shut up?

Yeah, I just figured on doing that.

You. Oh, hi, Abner. Sure is a pretty day.

I always suspicioned you, Hoss, I always did.

For what?

For trying to lure my poor little girl out alone somewhere,

unescorted and unchaperoned.

Sneak!

Now, Abner, Abner, that just ain't so.

I was just bringing her home. From where?

From my house. You see? You see?

But, Abner, Abner, my pa and Little Joe and everybody was there.

Pa, will you stop acting so silly?

It wasn't Hoss.

I wouldn't go outwith him.

Hoss was just sticking his big fat nose

into someone's business he shouldn't have.

Well, if it wasn't Hoss, who was it?

Well, Mr. Larkin.

Lothario Larkin?

You listen to me, Hoss.

If that friend of yours comes within 10 miles of my daughter,

I'll blow his head out of the county.

You hear? You hear? You hear? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I hear, I hear. I hear, Abner.

All right. All right.

You, get down out of that surrey.

I have never been so humiliated in all my born days.

I am of age. I'll decide that. You get down here.

And you, you remember what I said.

I'll remember, Abner, every word. I swear, I will. Every word.

Get!

Giddap. Giddap, giddap.

Ah. Oh, Ben. Ha, ha.

I tell you, there ain't no one in this whole wide world

can fry up a mess of vittles like that Hop Sing.

Beautiful.

Well, I'm sure he'll be very delighted when I tell him what you said.

Lothario? Hmm.

How long are you planning on staying around this time?

Just till the--

Till the edge son of wears off, you know.

Just how sharp is the edge this time?

Look, Lothario,

I'm gonna have to give you a fair warning.

If you go fooling around Virginia City again,

we're gonna have to cut you down from one of those cottonwood trees.

Fooling around, Ben? Yep.

Oh, Ben.

Fooling around.

Well, what would you call it?

Well, I'd call it just being nice to people.

You know, being good to folks,

practicing the Golden Rule.

The son of, being onto others

like you'd have them be unto you.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Lothario.

Now, you listen to me.

There are folks right here in Virginia City

who'd laugh all the way to Boot Hill the day they buried you.

Mike Gillie for one.

He swears he'll tear you apart with his bare hands

for leaving his Nancy crying her eyes out at the church.

Nancy. Heh.

Oh, she was a mighty pretty little girl.

Took things too much for granted, though.

I did feel sorry about that.

I think I'll just mosey on over--

Now, you ain't gonna mosey nowhere.

Lothario, I want some words with you.

Oh, Hoss. Heh.

Come on in, Hoss. You must be hungry.

No. I ain't hungry.

But I'm mad enough to eat nails, that's what I am.

Oh, who peeved you, Hess?

You. You peeved me.

You dang near got me killed, that's what you done.

What happened? Abner Jones like to blew me in half

with that shotgun of his, that's what he done.

He thought you were sparking Meg.

He thought he was-- And what's so dad-burned funny?

There's nothing funny.

There's nothing funny. I think you and Meg are gonna be very happy.

Joseph, one of these days, I--

Don't fret yourself none, Hoss.

I'll just amble on over there and explain it to the old fellow.

No, Lothario-- No, no, I don't want you to do that.

As a matter of fact, I don't want you to set feet off this Ponderosa.

Now, I don't wanna seem unhospitable,

but I don't even want you going into Virginia City. You understand?

Not even on Saturday night?

Especially not on Saturday nights.

I can feel that edge starting to get duller already.

You fellows, you don't like me around here, I guess.

I might just as well pull on out of here in the morning.

Now, wait a minute, Lothario.

We didn't mean that. Quit talking like that.

Sure we like you, and we want you to stay here as long as you like.

I mean, you're welcome here.

Oh, well, now that's more like it, Hoss.

That's that old Cartwright hospitality

that's famous all over the territory. Yes, sir.

Oh, Ben, I'm telling you,

you've done an elegant job bringing up this big boy of yours.

Yeah, didn't I?

I had a pretty long day. I guess I better turn in.

I might sleep in a little in the morning.

Why has thy merry face

Gone from my side?

Leaving each cherished place

Cheerless and void?

Why has the happy dream

Blended with thee

Passed like a flitting beam

Sweet Laura Lee?

Far from all pleasure torn

Sad and alone

How doth my spirit mourn

While thou art gone?

How like a desert isle

Earth seems to me

Robbed of thy sunny smile

Sweet Laura Lee

You sing son of pretty.

Oh.

I was just tuning up your guitar, Hoss.

Oh. It ain't mine. It's my brother Adam's,

but I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Anything on your mind?

No. No, not in particular.

Just heard you down here singing. You son of--

Sounded son of lonesome-like.

I expect just sitting here in front of the fire

looking at it would make most anybody lonesome.

Yeah.

Lothario, you reckon I'm a close enough friend

to ask a couple of personal questions?

I reckon.

Well, Lothario, what makes you tick anyhow?

I mean, all the drinking and fighting,

and carousing around with the womenfolk,

getting in all sons of trouble?

I do get a knack, huh?

Yeah. But the question is, why do you do it?

Well, I guess it's just my nature to love, Hoss.

Of course, when a fellow's fixing to do a little loving,

he's gotta be prepared to do a little fighting too.

Yeah, but a fellow can't love all them gals.

I mean, that just ain't natural.

It ain't?

I mean, it's just like an old cougar.

Faithful to nobody and not an ounce of real love in him. Not an ounce.

Well, leastwise, when a cougar does go,

he don't leave no tears, no sadness behind him.

Leastwise, like that old cat,

you're always running and chasing, ain't you?

Lothario, are you chasing after something?

Or are you running away from something?

Is there a Laura Lee?

Well, maybe.

Long time,

lot of miles ago.

Something happened to her?

Something happened to her, all right.

Run into a fancy-talking fellow,

and he filled her with a pack of sweet talk and big lies.

And she run off with him.

I ain't never seen her since.

So that's it, huh?

That's why you're playing the cougar game.

You're gonna get back at all womenfolk, ain't you?

Oh, no, Hoss, that ain't it. That ain't it at all.

It's just that I--

Well, I keep hoping and hoping

that maybe someday in some way,

I might run into that same kind of love again.

Leastwise, a fellow's gotta keep trying, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I reckon he has.

Well, good night, old cougar. Good night, Hoss.

Hey, did you hear Lothario singing last night?

Yeah, he sings pretty good. Yeah, I was surprised.

What do we have to do today?

Hey, Pa! Well, I don't know.

Pa, he's gone.

He's gone. Adam's guitar and all.

Dad-burn his ornery hide.

It's all my fault for calling him a cougar. It started him thinking allover again.

I want you to go out there. I want you to find him.

And I want you to bring him back if you have to drag him.

And tomorrow, we escort him to Carson City personally.

It ain't gonna be easy, Pa, he could be anywhere.

He ain't gonna go back to Virginia City and risk getting arrested by Roy.

Yeah. You just find him.

Right, you go out and help find him.

Me? You. Here.

Come on, Joe, hurry. Yes, sir.

He can get in more trouble accidentally than most folks can on purpose.

Come on. Hurry up.

Him and his friends. Yeah, go ahead, go outwith him.

Oh, Lothario, that was beautiful.

Thank you, ma'am.

Why did you run away?

When you left me standing in the church,

something went out of me,

something warm and beautiful.

How could you've done it? How could you?

I've been whupping myself ever since, ma'am.

Have you, Lothario? Have you?

Then why did you do it?

That's what I come back for, was to explain what happened.

What did happen?

Oh...

I got to thinking that a fellow like me,

just ain't good enough for a beautiful girl like you.

Oh, that's not true. Why, you-- Nancy.

Nancy.

It's Pa. Help me down quick.

Nancy.

You!

I gotta get going. I'll explain later.

No. No, you touch one hair on Lothario's head,

I'll never speak to you again.

I ain't gonna touch a hair on his head.

I'm gonna break every bone in his back!

If you do, I'll hold my breath.

I'll hold my breath forever.

Giddap!

Get! Get! Oh.

You take that side of the street, and I'll take this side.

We've been looking for that cougar all day.

This is the last place to look.

I never figured he'd be fool enough to come in here.

It's the last place we can look. You look yourself.

I wanna go home, I'm tired.

I'll raise 100.

Lothario. Ha, ha.

Put that bottle right up here, barkeep.

Come, belly up to the bar, ladies.

I got me a thirst bigger than a bale of smoked oysters.

Hurry up with that. Pour them out.

Excuse me, I'm very tired.

Now, don't you forget.

The past is dead...

...or he is.

You understand?

Where have you been? You know, around here and there.

Lothario.

Hoss. Compadre.

Don't you compadre me. Now, dadburnit, I'm sore.

How come you run off? Hoss, simmer down, simmer down.

Have a drink, here. Here.

I don't want no drink. Well, all right then.

Check me out, I'm going to bed.

Hoss, you know, them four walls of yours,

well, they just kept closing in on me like a cage, they was.

It was almost like a jail. It son of cramped my style.

A fellow like me has got 10--

Ma'am?

Oh, no. No, no, Lothario.

That's a married woman. Now, come on.

If the sheriff catches you, you're in trouble.

It's an old friend, Hoss. This is different.

Look, but, Loth-- Ma'am?

Ma'am?

If it's poker you want, I'm through for the evening.

Oh, I don't want any poker.

Come on, Lothario, you're gonna get in trouble.

Then what do you want?

Is your name Laura?

Who are you? Larkin. Lothario Larkin.

Ha, you must be joking.

Oh, I ain't joking.

And all this time, I've been looking forward to meeting you.

The great lover, the legend of the hinterland.

Well, let me give you a piece of advice, mister.

Stay out here in the country.

You ever get near a civilized woman, she'd laugh at you,

because you're really very funny, Mr. Larkin.

I ain't trying to be funny.

I just wanna talk to you.

We have nothing to talk about.

And a word to the wise, Mr. Larkin,

don't try to step up in class.

Stay with your saloon girls.

They'll talk to anyone with the price of a drink.

Good night.

You heard what the lady said.

Lothario Larkin.

Lothario. His mother sure made a mistake

when she named him that.

Shut up. Shut up.

An old friend, huh?

Old friends like that, you don't need.

Let me tell you something, you've been lucky.

Gal's been treating me like that all my life.

It made me feel no worse.

Come on, let's go home.

Get on your feet, Larkin.

Now, Mike, wait a minute.

He ain't doing nothing except sitting and having a nice peaceful drink.

Oh, he ain't, ain't he?

I caught him out behind the barn this morning, a-courting my daughter.

Lothario, you didn't.

Yeah, he did.

And a couple hours later, he was sparking my daughter,

and you know it, Hoss.

Now, wait a minute, fellows, there ain't no cause to make a ruckus.

Lothario, he ain't feeling too good, nohow.

Well, he's gonna feel a whole lot worse.

Fellows

Fellows, wait--

Come on, Lothario, there ain't but two of them, fight back.

Come on, baby, throw those old guys out of here

and let's get a little party going.

Well, come on, Lothario.

What's the matter? You too tired to fight?

Fellows. Dadburnit.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Dadburnit.

You can see he ain't fighting back. What do you wanna do, kill him?

That's the idea.

All right, Mike, you're gonna have to come through me.

Wait a minute, Abner. Wait a minute, Abner.

Wait a minute. Dadburnit, I'm gonna have to hit you.

You want me to hit you? I'm gonna hit you.

Hold it!

Well, if this ain't a heartwarming little tableau if I ever did see one.

Looks like you gentlemen

must have had a little difference of opinion?

We can straighten that out all over to my place.

Come on, you all know what the jail is.

Come on, Abner. Oh, I'm surprised at you.

One of the leading citizens of this town.

Mike. I'm surprised at you.

And Hoss Canwright.

If your pa could only see you now.

Come on, you ain't no exception.

Don't give me that face. Go on. But, Roy...

You know where it is.

And Mr. Larkin.

You always do seem to brighten up

this little old dull town of ours.

Now, get.

Lothario, you forgot your guitar.

His guitar.

Man that lives as dangerous as he does,

ought to take up the harp.

I hope you gentlemen slept good.

That'll be $25.

Twenty-five? Well, it was worth it.

Was it worth it to you, Mike? You're a bandit, Coffee.

You, get out of town before you get yourself killed.

Abner, you wanna try for the $50?

It might be worth that too.

Come on, Mike.

Don't worry none. Pa will be hereto bail us out.

I took a good look at myself last night.

Does a fellow good to see himself the way he really is sometimes. Heh.

Funny old clown, scarecrow,

flapping around, making empty sounds in the wind.

Tell me something, Hoss,

how can a fellow as ugly as me,

fool himself for so long?

Oh, dadburnit.

Lothario, you ain't ugly.

You ain't no scarecrow or no clown, neither.

That woman over there at the saloon--

That Laura, that gambling woman, she ain't nothing.

She ain't nothing but a tinhorn.

Don't you say that, Hoss.

Don't you never say that.

But, Lothario, I...

Ben. Roy.

Now, you boys certainly covered yourselves with glory, didn't you?

How much, Roy? Twenty-five dollars a head.

Twenty-five?

Well, it may seem a mite high, but we're limited on space.

Here's your 50.

All right, Hoss.

Congratulations. You too, Lothario.

I ain't going.

You give me 30 days,

and I'm gonna sit right here and serve them.

What's the matter with him?

He ain't been himself, Pa.

Come on, Lothario, we'll go get us some breakfast,

you'll feel a heap better. Come on.

No, sir.

I know my rights. I'm gonna stay right here.

Now, you give me any more trouble, I'll give you 60 days.

Thank you, sheriff.

Well, he's not gonna give you any trouble staying in there.

You wanna bet?

Look, Lothario, your fine has been paid.

Any time you wanna leave, you're free to leave.

Come on, Hoss. Yes, sir.

Now, what happened? Ain't it pitiful?

What happened?

He's been like that ever since he had that run-in with Laura

over there at the Sazerac. Man, she lit into him something fierce.

Yeah, anybody who plays around as much as that Lothario does,

is bound to get chewed out once in a while.

Pa, I got a feeling this is different.

I got a notion that this is the same Laura he loved.

Huh?

Well, anyway, it's none of our business.

I'm gonna get me a shave and a haircut. You coming?

Now, Pa, wait a minute.

If it is the same Laura, and they did once know each other,

and son of liked each other--

Now, Hoss, she's a married woman, isn't she?

Well, yeah, but-- You know she is.

When it comes to men and womenfolk,

it's a wise man who doesn't stick his nose where it doesn't belong.

Yeah, anyhow, I'd like to know if that's the same Laura

he sings about in that song. Yeah.

I'll see you.

It broke my head the way she ripped into him, Hoss.

Yeah.

Hey, look, Francine.

You being a woman, maybe you can tell me why.

Why did she light into him so, anyhow?

Well, there's two reasons

that'll make a woman cut up a man pretty bad, Hoss.

She either hates him

or she loves him and can't have him.

And something tells me she don't hate him.

Yeah, me too.

Dadburnit, if she just wasn't married.

She ain't.

She ain't? She ain't married?

How do you know that?

Well, like you say, Hoss, me being a woman, I'm nosey.

And it kind of bothered me

when I saw she was living in one room,

and he was living in another.

So I asked her.

Francine, I just love a nosey gal.

Excuse me.

A fellow could get in a lot of trouble

sticking his nose where it don't belong.

Yeah, Pa told me that.

As a matter of fact, that's exactly what Pa told me.

Come in.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am.

It's all right, come in.

What do you want?

I wanna-- I wanna talk to you about a--

About a mutual friend of ours.

Lothario Larkin.

That clown who was here last night?

Ma'am, he ain't no clown, and you know it.

He's very much in love with you.

Are you out of your mind? I never saw the man before last night.

Ever since you ran away from him, he's been searching for you.

You or somebody like you.

Grieving his head out.

Will you get out of here?

Not until you promise you'll come over, and tell him

that you didn't mean all those things you said to him the other night.

It'll mean the whole world to him.

I told you, I never saw the man before.

Now, get out of here and leave me alone.

Yes, ma'am.

I reckon I did make a mistake at that.

I'm sorry to have been any bother to you, ma'am.

And I'm sorry you're not that other Laura too.

Sorry for both of you.

I'm sorry too.

That's the girl he's looking for, Hoss.

She died a long time ago.

What you're looking at now is just a cheap imitation.

I'm leaving today, Hoss.

Just tell him he made a mistake.

No, ma'am.

You're the one that's making the mistake, Laura, not him.

The girl in this picture is still very much alive.

All you gotta do is wash some of that paint off your face,

and put on a nice simple dress like this one.

You wouldn't be a bit different than you were

when you were both together.

Come on, you do like I said.

I'll be waiting for you downstairs.

If you know what's good for you,

you'll get out of town and keep going, Hoss.

I found you in my wife's bedroom.

That's legal grounds for killing, Hoss.

That's right,

if she were really your wife.

The man's got a point.

Ma'am, I'll see you down--

Like I said, ma'am, I'll meet you downstairs.

I'll kill him. 50 help me, I'll kill him.

You'll have no cause to kill anyone, Johnny.

We're going away today, together.

Hi, Roy.

Hey, Lothario, come on.

Come on. She still loves you. I know she does.

Tell her right now, she's leaving town. This is your last chance.

I don't feel nothing for her. Come on.

Hey, sheriff.

This fellow's trying to bust me out of jail and that's against the law.

Oh, for gosh sakes, Roy, will you tell him--?

Lothario, didn't you hear me?

I heard you, Hoss.

Of all the hard-headed, cantankerous,

stubborn jackasses I've ever run into in my life,

you take the blue ribbon.

All right.

All right.

Fine sheriff you turned out to be.

You can't even bust a man out of your own jail.

I heard you, Hoss.

I heard you.

Why has thy merry face

Gone from my side?

Leaving each cherished place

Cheerless and void?

Why has the happy dream

Blended with thee

Passed like a flitting beam

Sweet Laura Lee?

Goodbye, my darling.

Far from all pleasure torn

Sad and alone

How doth my spirit mourn

While thou art gone?

How like a desert isle

Earth seems to me

Robbed of thy sunny smile

Sweet Laura Lee

Hi.

Hey, Pa! Pa! Come out here a minute. Come here, Pa.

Aah! Oh.

What's all the shouting about? Can't you see I'm--?

Pa, I want you to go to the preacher's house. Get him.

There's gonna be a wedding. Lothario is gonna get married.

Hoss, I'm getting a--

Lothario's getting married? Yep.

It's gonna be a church wedding.

Get the preacher. A church wedding?

Ain't that nice?

Hey, Dave. Dave, hurry up and finish me up here.

You've been over to see him, haven't you?

No, I didn't see him.

You're a liar.

I told you, I didn't see him.

I said I want the truth.

All right, Johnny, I've had about all I'm gonna put up with.

Hadn't of been for you, there wouldn't be no trouble.

Now, you get out of here before I break you in half.

Look out, Hoss.

All right, Johnny, you had enough?

No!

Go--

Ready? Let's go.

No, I don't wanna see him.

Ma'am.

Oh.

Oh, come on, let me out of here.

Please let me out.

I want out!

Roy, what do you say me and you step outside

where it's peaceful and quiet, huh?

I want out!

Oh. It is kind of noisy in here, isn't it? Yeah.

Please let me out.

What did you do that they throwed you in here?

I didn't do anything.

That big lug just picked me up and--

Oh, Hoss.

Oh, you're wondering about the door.

They wouldn't lock me in.

Don't you worry, I'll get them to let you right out.

You haven't changed a bit, Lothario.

Oh, I expect not.

Same funny old clown.

Funny old lover.

I didn't mean those things.

You didn't? Mm.

You look tired.

Well, it's been a lot of years.

A lot of miles.

And a lot of women.

If you don't mind my saying so, ma'am,

you're more beautiful than ever.

It's time you knew the truth about me,

so you can be rid of me once and for all.

I'm not at all the girl you knew a long time ago.

There've been too many towns,

too many saloons, too many backrooms,

but never a wedding.

You mean, you ain't never been married?

I'm leaving today, Lothario.

And now that you know,

you can forget all about that girl you once loved.

Oh, no, ma'am.

You was right about one thing. You ain't nothing like that little girl.

She didn't know nothing about living or loving or sharing.

She was just a little girl.

But you're a grown-up woman.

I loved that little girl,

but I could just worship that woman if she'd let me.

And don't you see? We're son of like

two peas in a pod, you and me.

We've done about everything there is to do

and we've been about every place there is to go...

...except home.

You mean that fellow never married you?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hey, Lothario, I've got the--

Isn't he the gentleman that I--?

Oh, Hoss, I found the prea--

Stand up.

Because I'm coming to you.

Hey!

Hoss! Wait a minute.

Now, dadburnit, Abner--

Abner, you're gonna make me hit you--

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute.

According to the powers vested in me,

I do hereby declare my intentions

of joining these two together in the holy bonds of matrimony.

If anyone objects, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Well, I do.

You shut up.

Go ahead, Reverend.

Do you, Laura, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Lothario, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Yes, I do.

Ring.

So be it.

I do hereby pronounce you man and wife.

Phew.

Well, Hoss, old compadre, I'll be seeing you.

Yeah, well, don't rush.

Don't rush, Lothario. You just have a nice honeymoon.

All right. So long, Ben.

So long. Giddap.

Have a good time. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Oh.

Oh.

The end of an era, Hoss.

That's what it is.

Yep, and the end of a cougar, huh, Pa?

You know, we're gonna miss that little fellow.

Yeah, well, you come along with me, Cupid,

because the champagne's on you.

All right.

This has been a color presentation

of the NBC Television Network.