Original subtitles

[Too Close For Comfort theme]

[vacuum runs]

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, Miss Rafkin, what a nice surprise.

- I came to ask...

Oh, my God.

- What did you do that for?

- When was the last time you vacuumed?

- This would have been a first.

- Now when my brother died and you moved into his apartment,

you packed up all his belongings, didn't you?

- Right.

And we gave it all to you,

his dresses, his furs, padded bras,

[audience laughter]

his orthopedic pantyhose.

- Well, I went through everything

and I can't find the cameo brooch.

- What cameo brooch?

- Our family heirloom.

It was given to my great-grandmother

by a passing Kazak. [audience laughter]

- Are you sure your brother had it?

- Positive.

My mother, on her deathbed, gave it to him.

He was going to his friend's wedding

and he wanted to wear it.

He was the bridesmaid.

[audience laughter]

It went perfect with his pink organdy.

[audience laughter]

- Well, we haven't seen it around here.

- Then it's a mystery.

Unless he pawned it.

Why would he do that?

He made a very comfortable living as a stevedore.

[audience laughter]

Did any of you go to the funeral?

- Well, our dad did.

- Did he happen to notice if Neville was wearing a brooch

on the gown he was buried in?

[audience laughter]

- Well, I don't think he noticed anything,

the coffin was closed.

They set the bar up on it.

[audience laughter]

- Well, I won't take up any more of your time.

Thanks, girls.

- Sorry.

- Wait a minute, Miss Rafkin.

Why don't you ask your brother where it is?

- He's dead, remember?

- I know, but there are ways of talking to him.

- I don't need that kind of phone bill.

[audience laughter]

- No, I'm taking a course in parapsychology,

and my professor claims

there are hundreds of documented cases

of making contact with the spirit world.

- Sara, are you talking about having a seance?

- I could have my professor recommend a good medium,

someone who can make contact with your brother.

- Well, if there's a chance of getting the brooch back,

why not?

You make the arrangements.

[upbeat music]

- Thanks for helping us set up for the seance, Dad.

- Yes, well, what happened to Monroe?

I thought he was supposed to be doing this.

- He'll be here, he promised.

Monroe gets very nervous with anything

that has to do with the spirit world.

- Spirit world.

You know, it amazes me

that you girls really believe in that psychic mumbo jumbo.

- You refuse to believe in anything

the least bit out of the ordinary.

- That's not true.

I believe in UFO's.

[audience laughter]

- You do?

- Mm-hmm. - Based on what?

- Based on the fact that science has proven

there's a universe out there,

other galaxies and other planets.

[doorbell rings]

It's perfectly feasible that there are strange forms of life

that could arrive here from outer space.

[audience laughter]

There's one of them now.

[audience laughter]

- Monroe, why are you dressed for trick-or-treat?

- Shh, quiet.

I don't want the spirits to recognize me,

so don't call me by my real name.

[audience laughter]

- What do you want us to call you?

- Orlando de la Fuente.

[audience laughter]

- Well, how do I look?

Is this outfit all right?

- You look fine, Miss Rafkin.

[doorbell rings]

- That must be the medium.

Hi.

[audience laughter]

- That's a medium?

[audience laughter]

It's an extra-large if I ever saw one.

[audience laughter]

- Now you just relax, my dear,

I'm sure we'll have no trouble contacting your brother.

- Wait a minute, you're supposed to contact my brother.

- Your brother?

Well, I already promised this woman I'd contact her brother.

Oh, well, all right.

I'll just throw in both brothers for the same $75.

[audience laughter]

- Uh, I-- I don't have a brother.

- Oh.

In that case, I'll have to charge a hundred.

[audience laughter]

- Muriel, you gonna stay here and listen to this,

this, this, this, this fake?

- Fake?

You call me a fake?

Me, one of the world's most outstanding clairvoyants,

consultant to the television networks?

[audience laughter]

If it wasn't for me, Bosom Buddies wouldn't be on the air.

[audience laughter]

- I'm leaving.

- The spirits are angered because you offended me.

[Henry chuckles]

[audience laughter]

Already, I'm getting bad vibrations.

You better be careful driving home from here.

[audience laughter]

Okay, let's get started.

Everybody sit down round the table and hold hands.

- I'll sit next to you, sonny.

As long as we're gonna hold hands,

it might as well be with somebody young,

single, and Italian.

- Oh, grazie. [audience laughter]

- Could somebody please turn off the lights?

- Do we, do we have to?

- I'll do it.

- Now everybody sit and place your hands

fingers touching the fingers

of the person sitting next to you.

[clears throat]

[hums]

Oh, hear me in the great beyond.

[screaming] Can you hear me,

spirit world? [audience laughter]

I'm calling for Neville Rafkin.

- Excuse me, do you take American Express?

[audience laughter]

- I'm calling for Neville Rafkin,

why do I get Karl Malden?

[audience laughter]

We're not holding our hands tight enough,

there's not enough energy at the table.

I'm not feeling anything.

I do, somebody's got their hand on my knee.

[audience laughter]

- You got a big mouth, sonny.

[audience laughter]

- Do you hear me, Neville?

[audience laughter]

Shh, shh, shh!

I'm beginning to get vibrations.

I'm feeling a presence.

He's coming closer.

He's approaching the door.

He's here. [screams]

[audience laughter]

[women gasp] [wind blows]

- Mom, did you see that?

- I think so.

- Would it bother anything if I faint?

[audience laughter]

- Who is in this room?

- [Voice] Who did you send for?

- I asked you first.

[audience laughter]

If it's Neville, identify yourself.

- [Voice] With what?

My driver's license expired two weeks before I did.

[audience laughter]

- That's my brother with a smart answer.

Neville, close the door and wipe your feet.

- [Voice] I'm not staying that long.

- Why not? I booked the room for an hour.

[audience laughter]

- Oh, the energy is beginning to fade.

Ask him what you wish to know.

- Neville, I wanna talk to you about Mama.

- [Voice] I see her from time to time.

She remarried, you know?

- Mama got married again? To who?

- [Voice] To the skipper of the Titanic.

[audience laughter]

- I can't believe it, she hated the ocean.

- [Voice] So does he.

[audience laughter]

- Ooh, the energy is fading.

- Neville, I wanna talk to you about Mama's cameo brooch.

What happened to it?

- [Voice] There was a woman, ask the woman.

- What woman?

- [Voice] The woman who would visit Mr. Rush's apartment

and spend the day with him when his wife was away.

- What the...

Well, what woman?

- [Voice] Ask Mr. Rush, he knows.

He knows.

[door closes]

- The spell is broken.

That'll be $75.

[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm watching Bosom Buddies.

[audience laughter]

You know, it's not a bad little show.

Oh, is the seance over? How'd it go?

- Wonderful.

- [chuckles] Good.

- Full of surprises.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

Would you, uh, like a drink?

- Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I would.

- Oh, good.

[audience laughter]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Muriel, I can't believe that you'd take the word

of a phony fortune teller over that of your husband.

- I am not taking the word of Miss Obler.

I am taking the word of Mr. Rafkin.

- Rafkin's dead.

- Spirits don't lie.

Who was she?

- Who was who?

- The other woman, the one that came while I was away.

[Henry sighs]

Where was I, Henry?

[audience laughter]

- You're away and you're asking me where you were?

[audience laughter]

- You refuse to take this seriously, don't you?

- And you refuse to admit how ridiculous this is!

Muriel, do you realize that quack convinced you

that you were listening to the voice of a ghost?

A ghost, Muriel, you are now believing in ghosts.

[audience laughter]

- I was there Henry, you weren't.

I saw the door blow open, I heard him come in.

It was Rafkin, he spoke to us.

- It wasn't Rafkin, it was Obler, she's a ventriloquist.

- It was a man's voice.

- Okay, so she's good.

[audience laughter]

But she's still a fake.

- Then how did she know about that woman?

- [sighs] For the hundredth time, Muriel,

there was no other woman.

[Muriel scoffs]

And why are you so crazy and so upset

that you wanna sleep on the couch?

- I'm not going to sleep on the couch, you are.

[audience laughter]

- Now, Muriel, this is absurd.

I mean, why can't we just behave like adults

and act like adults?

- I intend to behave like an adult, Henry.

Just remember, having an affair can be a two-way street.

[audience laughter and gasping]

- Affa-- Affa...

[audience laughter]

Af-- af-af-af-af- af-- Affair?

[doorbell rings]

- Hi, Dad.

- Where's your mother?

- I don't know.

- It's five o'clock, I just got home, she's not there.

- Well, maybe she went to the market.

- You expect me to believe that?

- Well, I don't know where she could've gone.

Didn't she leave a note?

- Yes, she left a note.

- What did it say?

- It said she went to the market.

[audience laughter]

- Hi, Dad.

What are you doing here?

- Acting funny.

- I'm looking for your mother.

- Oh, well, I just passed her on the way home.

She said she was going to the market.

[Henry scoffs]

- You fell for that?

- You're right.

- Hi.

Hi, girls.

- Where have you been?

- To the market.

Where do you think?

- Don't give me that.

[audience laughter]

- You know, it's moments like this

that make me glad we have our own place.

[audience laughter]

- Okay.

Where were you?

- At the market.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You always get dressed up like this

when you go to the market?

- First, I went on an interview for a job assignment,

which I got,

and then on the way home, I stopped at the market.

- Why don't you admit it, Muriel?

You went to a motel.

[audience laughter]

You said so yourself last night,

having an affair is a two-way street.

- Okay, Henry, you caught me.

I went to a hotel with a very handsome gentleman

who happens to be in the wholesale-food business.

[audience laughter]

And I was so terrific in the sack

that he threw in all these groceries.

[audience laughter]

And four...

double coupons.

[audience laughter]

- I'm sorry.

I guess I--

I guess I got a little irrational.

[audience laughter]

- Would you put these groceries away for me?

I wanna go change, I'm going out tonight.

- What? What do you mean?

What do you mean you're going out?

- I told you, I got the job assignment, it shoots tonight.

- Oh, okay, I'll, uh, I'll, uh, I'll drive you.

- No, I already asked Monroe to drive me.

Well, I thought you needed the car tonight

to go to your Cartoonist Guild meeting.

- Oh, yeah, well, I forgot.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be Monroe, I'll let him in.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Rush.

- Oh, Monroe, don't you look nice.

[Monroe chuckles]

- Thank you.

Mildred Rafkin's taking me out to dinner

after I drop you off.

- Monroe, don't you think she's a little mature for you?

- Oh, yeah, well, she said she'd be gentle.

[audience laughter]

- I'll go change, it'll only be a minute.

- Oh, sure, go ahead, yeah. - Sit.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Rush, I didn't know you were home.

- I'll bet.

[audience laughter]

What are you all dressed up for, Monroe?

- For my date.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- It's a date, is it?

- I really shouldn't say anything.

I mean, she's a little self-conscious.

[chuckles] You know how it is with older women.

[audience laughter]

- I don't suppose you'd wanna tell me

who this older woman is?

- Oh, oh, no, I couldn't do that.

No, that wouldn't be discreet.

But, uh, I can tell you that her first name

begins with the letter M.

[audience laughter]

- And the second name wouldn't happen to begin

with the letter R, would it?

- Gosh, Mr. Rush, how could you be so smart?

- How could you be so stupid?

[audience laughter]

How do you have the audacity to sit there and tell me?

- Gee, I just thought

you were sophisticated enough to handle it.

- I'm sophisticated enough to handle your throat.

[audience laughter] - Help.

- Bring you into my own home,

treat you like one of my family,

and this is the thanks I get?

- Henry, what are you doing?

- Choking Monroe.

[audience laughter]

- Stop this minute!

- It's okay, Mrs. Rush.

- All right, get out, get out.

Don't you ever come near my wife or my daughter again.

- Henry, are you crazy?

- You're the one who's crazy, dating a young kid like that.

[both] Dating?

[audience laughter]

- Henry, Monroe is going out with Mildred Rafkin.

- Yeah, she's taking me out to dinner tonight.

You know, M-R, Mildred Rafkin.

[audience laughter]

Oh, I get it.

You thought M-R was for Muriel Rush.

You thought I had a date with your wife?

[Monroe laughs]

[audience laughter]

Isn't that funny? [laughs]

He thought we had a thing going.

[audience laughter] [upbeat music]

- Well, we can't stay,

your mother has a shooting assignment

and I'm on my way to a meeting at the Cartoonist Guild.

- But we wanted you to know

that your father and I signed a peace treaty

and we're allowed to cross each other's borders again.

[crash on patio]

- Who's, who's that out on the patio?

- I don't know, we weren't expecting anyone.

- Hey! [man gasps]

What are you doing out there?

- Sorry, sir, I didn't mean to disturb you,

I was just looking for my keys.

I think I may have dropped them here last night.

- Well, you better have a good reason

for being on my property

or I'm calling the police.

- Oh, no, please, sir, don't call the police.

I can explain.

- Well?

- My name is Clifford, and I work with Miss Obler.

- Miss Obler never said she had anyone working with her.

- Well that's because no one's supposed to know.

You see, we're a team.

When she contacts the spirits from the beyond,

I hide nearby and do the voices.

- What do you mean, you do the voices?

- Well, I give it an echo effect

so it sounds more go ghostly.

And I have a portable fan,

blows the curtains, the doors go flying.

Well, you know, you were there.

[audience laughter]

- You sure fooled me.

- Thanks.

- What, what made you say that

about the other woman who came to see him?

- I made that up.

[Muriel scoffs]

- Well, I mean, I had to say something,

and you're always safe implying

that a married man is fooling around.

- You'd, uh, better leave.

- Would you like my card, sir?

I guess not. I'm going home.

[door closes]

- Boy, Dad was right all along.

- The whole thing was a fraud.

- Well, let that be a lesson to both of you,

especially you, Muriel.

Don't go around listening to phony psychics,

no matter who your professor recommends.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, I am sorry, I was looking for Mr. Rafkin.

Mr. Rush, how are you?

- Ingrid.

You remember Ingrid?

She was Rafkin's cleaning woman for a while.

- No, we never met. [chuckles]

How do you do? [chuckles]

- Oh, that's right, you wouldn't know her.

I borrowed her a few times from Rafkin

to clean our apartment.

When your mother was sick

and you went to Chicago to look after her.

- Then there was another woman

who came to see Dad when Mom was away.

- Well, yeah, that would be her,

but it totally slipped my mind.

[audience laughter]

- You remembered her name, but you forgot the rest of her?

[audience laughter]

- Is Mr. Rafkin here?

I have something for him.

- No, he passed away about a year ago.

- Oh, I did not know, I am sorry.

[gasps] Is that not strange?

I dreamt of him yustlast night.

- Yustlast night?

[audience laughter]

- He was standing at the foot of my bed,

trying on my pin wire.

Then he instructed me to bring back something

that I had taken from him.

[gasps] It was kind of spooky.

How did he know I took it?

I had never stolen anything before,

but it was such a beautiful brooch.

[audience laughter]

Don't you think?

- Mm.

- Oh, well, thank you, Ingrid.

I'll make sure that Mr. Rafkin's sister gets this.

- Thank you.

Well...

I don't know who has been doing your cleaning, Mr. Rush,

but I would get rid of them.

- We can't, they live here.

[Ingrid gasps] [audience laughter]

- Oh, oh. [tisks]

Goodbye. - Goodbye, Ingrid.

- Goodbye. [door closes]

- That is spooky.

- Rafkin really did come back.

- Oh, Sara, it was nothing more than a dream,

it was pure coincidence.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, Miss Rafkin, come in,

you're not gonna believe this.

- I know, I know, you found the brooch.

Where is it?

Ah,

that's the one.

- How did you know?

- I had a dream last night,

and my brother told me if I came here,

you would have the brooch.

- Did he tell you anything else?

- Only that he was in a hurry,

he had another stop to make.

[audience laughter]

You know, since he passed away, we've been a lot closer.

[audience laughter]

[upbeat music] [audience applause]

[upbeat music]