Original subtitles

(cheery music)

- (Jackie) You're getting rusty, Mom.

You forgot how to ski.

- Ah, no. - Feet apart, knees together,

heels out, arms down, head up.

(Muriel groans)

- Well, the car's loaded up, the skis are on the roof,

and the credit cards are ready to go into overtime.

(audience laughing)

- (Sara) You look so cute, Dad.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, we know how long you've been waiting for this trip.

Have a wonderful time.

- Thanks. Oh, Jackie.

The next issue of Cosmic Cow is on my drawing board.

Be sure to take it to Mr. Wainwright

first thing Monday morning.

- I know, Dad.

You told me. - Okay.

- Your father worked every night this past week

to get this strip finished so we could take this vacation.

- Don't worry about it.

If she forgets, I'll take care of it.

- Oh, thank you.

- Now, where'd you say you left it?

(audience laughing)

Relax, Dad. I'm just kidding.

Well, you always tell me to have a sense of humor.

- Not with me. (Sara giggles)

(audience laughing)

- Don't worry about anything. Go and enjoy yourselves.

I just hope you find snow when you get up there.

- (laughs) Oh, I can just feel it now.

Charging down, down, down at breakneck speed.

(Henry whooshes)

Wind whistling past. (imitates wind whistling)

Soaring like a bird over the ledge and into the air!

- And right into a waiting ambulance.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, Muriel.

You said I always have the physical agility

of a man half my age.

- Not on the slopes, Henry.

(audience laughing)

- Oh. Okay, we better take off.

You two take care of each other.

- Yes, and oh, don't forget to bring in the mail

and pick up the cleaning.

- We'll take care of everything. Trust us.

- And remember to leave a light burning upstairs at night

so it look like we're at home.

- Right. But don't forget

to turn it off during the day so it won't

look like we're away.

- Will you two please leave?

You're spending half your vacation

giving us instructions. - Okay, okay, okay.

- We're going, we're going!

Oh, make sure that you don't overload the washing machine.

Otherwise it'll make that thumping noise again.

- We know that, Mom.

It was Jackie's blue jeans that overloaded it.

- It wasn't my jeans. It was your bra.

(audience laughing)

- All right, we'll let you- - Henry, they're starting

again, let's go. - See you later.

- Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. - Have fun.

(cheery music)

(knocking) - Come on in, Monroe.

- How'd you know it was me?

- I have ESP. I'm psychic.

Also you called 20 minutes ago and said

you'd be over in 20 minutes.

- Oh, that's how you knew.

- All set to go, Monroe?

- You bet. Miami, here I come.

- Gosh, your parents haven't seen you

since they moved there.

- I bet they're thrilled you're coming.

- Well, they don't know yet.

I thought I'd surprise them.

- Well, don't you think you oughta call them?

They may have made other plans.

- Oh, gee, I never thought of that.

Can I use your phone? I'll pay you when I get back.

- Sure. Go ahead. - Thanks.

- If the phone company can wait for us, we can wait for you.

- Boy, I'm sure looking forward

to eating some great meals again.

- Oh, your mom's a good cook?

- Rotten, that's why I'm gonna eat out

all the time in fancy restaurants.

(audience laughing)

Hello, Mom? Hi, it's me.

Monroe.

Your son.

(audience laughing)

Oh, I'm doing just fine. Thanks.

Huh? The weather?

Well, it's about 75 degrees outside

with a slight offshore breeze

and some variable high cloudiness

which should give way to sun in late afternoon.

(audience laughing)

Well, listen, Mom, listen.

I got some wonderful, wonderful news.

I'm catching the eight o'clock flight out tonight,

and I'm gonna be spending my spring vacation

with you and Dad.

Yeah.

He is?

Well, uh...

how long's he been feeling like that?

Oh.

Well, maybe this is a bad time for me to come, huh?

Oh well, maybe this summer.

Yeah, well, uh, listen, give Dad my love.

Yeah. Bye, Mom.

- Monroe, is your father sick?

- Oh, no, he's feeling wonderful.

- Well, then why aren't you going home?

- Well, um, this might be kind of hard

for you girls to understand, but, but

sometimes I drive my father crazy.

(audience laughing)

That's one of the reasons they moved to Miami.

(audience laughing)

- You mean they ran away from home?

- Well, you could say that.

Well, anyway, my mother said my father's

starting to feel like his old self again.

She said his psoriasis has cleared up

and his nervous twitch went away

and his hair's starting to grow back.

(audience laughing)

- So you mean they don't want you to come?

- No.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Monroe.

- Oh well, it's comforting to know

that his baldness isn't hereditary.

(audience laughing)

- (Jackie) Monroe, what are you gonna do

with your spring vacation?

- (sighs) I don't know.

I have no place to stay.

My roommate invited his girlfriend up

to spend the week with him.

- Well, where will you go? Where will you sleep?

Wait a minute. I know!

- Upstairs? Are you crazy? - Why not?

Mom and Dad'll be gone for the whole week,

and they'll feel good to know we have a man

around the house for protection.

- Oh, I don't blame them.

I'd feel better if there was a man around the house

for protection, too. (audience laughing)

- Monroe, you're the man.

- Oh, me. Well, hey, I think I can handle that.

(audience laughing)

Hey, that'll be great.

I'll have the whole place to myself.

It'll be like I went away someplace on vacation.

And the best part is I can tell the guys at school

that I spent my week with two beautiful girls.

Are you sure your folks won't mind?

- Mind? They'll kill us if they ever find out.

- But they won't have to find out.

Monroe will be out of here before they get back.

- Yeah, and I'll leave the place spotless.

I mean, they won't even know that I was there.

Oh! Oh! (audience laughing)

Here, let me get this.

This won't happen up there. I'll leave the place real clean.

I mean, it's gonna be just real neat.

You won't even know. Thanks, I'll get the rest later.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

We're gonna have a great time this week.

(telephone ringing)

(audience laughing)

I think it's for you.

(cheery music)

(Monroe whistling "Leave It To Beaver" theme song)

(audience laughing)

- Well, we prayed for snow and God said let there be snow.

- And snow and snow and more snow.

Would it have wrecked them fast

to turn a plan to leave one lousy road open?

Oh, that bed is sure gonna feel good

after driving for 12 hours.

(ski clangs)

- Burglars!

(audience laughing)

(metal clanging)

- Prowler.

Go in the kitchen and call the police.

I'll handle this. - Henry, don't be a hero.

- Call the cops. - Okay, okay.

(audience laughing)

(both scream)

- Monroe!

- Oh, Mrs. Rush!

- Monroe, what the hell are you doing in our bedroom?

- I was getting ready to go to sleep.

- In our room?

Will you look at this, Muriel?

We drove 400 miles to get to the snow,

and we find it in our own bedroom.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, Dad!

- What are you doing here?

- Never mind what we're doing here.

What's he doing here?

- Uh, Monroe was gonna go home for spring vacation,

but his father told him not to come.

- I never met your father.

But he's obviously a man of good judgment.

(audience laughing)

- That still doesn't explain what Monroe is doing here.

- Monroe has no place to stay.

And his roommate doesn't want him around either.

- That makes two people with good judgment.

One on the East Coast and one on the West Coast.

- Oh, I'm sorry about the feathers, Mr. Rush.

I'll have your place vacuumed first thing in the morning.

- No, you won't.

Because you won't be here first thing in the morning.

You're leaving now!

- Where's he going to sleep?

- That's his problem!

- Monroe, since my father seems insensitive

to other people's feelings, I'm inviting you

to spend the rest of the week on the couch.

- Oh, no you don't.

No strange man is gonna spend the night

in my daughter's apartment.

- Dad, this is Monroe.

- Do you know of anybody stranger?

(audience laughing)

- Dad.

I'm not exactly overwhelmed at the prospect

of having Monroe spend the week on our couch,

but I do have to say you're being rather inconsistent.

- Why do you say that?

- Well, you and Dad always taught us

that we should go out of our way a little for people.

That for every small favor, you're repaid a hundred fold.

- She's right, Henry.

Monroe needs a place to stay this week,

and we do have an extra room.

I don't see how we can say no.

- Watch me. (audience laughing)

- Henry.

- All right, Monroe. You're welcome to stay this week.

- All right!

- Will you stop that?

- I'm sorry. - If you don't mind,

we're very tired, we'd like to go to sleep, we're exhausted.

- (groans) So am I. Come on, Sara.

- (coughs) Goodnight. - Goodnight, everybody.

- (Henry And Muriel) Goodnight.

- Goodnight, girls. I'll see you in the morning.

Goodnight. - Monroe.

That goodnight includes you, too. What are you waiting for?

- Oh, you two want this room. - Get out!

(audience laughing)

- Sheets here.

Goodnight, folks.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'll go unpack. You pluck the bed.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'd better call the police and tell them never mind.

(Muriel coughs) (sirens wailing)

Never mind! (audience laughing)

(gentle music) (knocking)

- Sara, open the door. (knocking)

Sara.

- Okay, okay, I'm coming.

- I gotta talk to you. We've got a real crisis on our hands.

- Monroe, what happened to your arm?

- Nothing. Listen.

I accidentally grabbed your father's drawings

with my bed linen last night and took 'em into my room.

- So what's the big deal? Put them back.

- I can't, that's just the point.

The bulb was burned out in my room

and I didn't wanna disturb your folks,

so I made up my bed in the dark.

- So what has that got to do with my father's drawings?

- I slept on 'em. (audience laughing)

- What?

- They were underneath my sheets and I didn't know it.

- Monroe, how could you?

I mean, didn't the bed seem a little stiff?

- I thought your mother starched the sheets.

(audience laughing)

- Monroe. My father worked on

those drawings day and night for a week.

I'm supposed to deliver 'em to his publisher this morning.

- I know, Jackie.

- Where are the drawings now?

- Right here.

- Oh!

- Oh, no, they're all creased.

- Oh, look at the wrinkles on Cosmic Cow's face.

She looks like Jacques Cousteau.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, you girls. I don't know what to do.

- All right, let me think.

Monroe, where's your suitcase?

- It's upstairs. You want me to get it?

- No, we'll send it to you. Get outta town fast.

(audience laughing) - Oh, no.

- Muriel, maybe we can get away after all.

According to this, the roads are still open

at Sun Valley, Park City, and Aspen.

- Oh, fine. I'll call the travel agency.

- Why am I drinking apple juice?

- Because Monroe drank all the orange juice.

Have the apple juice.

- I don't want it.

Apple juice doesn't mix well with eggs.

- Then you're safe.

Monroe ate all the eggs, too.

(audience laughing)

- Did he leave us any coffee?

- We have coffee, but he used all the cream.

Where you going?

- Where do you think I'm going?

I'm going out to get some breakfast right after I shower.

- Okay, I'll check those resorts.

- Remind Jackie to deliver my drawings.

- They're not on your drawing board.

I think she might've taken them already.

(cheery music)

- You have any luck with the reservations?

- Hmm, here's the update.

Park City, no snow.

Aspen, snow, no rooms.

Banff, rooms and snow, no flights.

Sun Valley, no snow, no flights,

but the rooms are half price.

(audience laughing)

(telephone rings)

- Hello?

You did? Oh, Lily, that's wonderful.

Yeah, we'll pick them up later on today.

Lily got us a reservation for Aspen for tomorrow.

- Oh, terrific. Oh, am I glad we didn't unpack.

- Hi, anything happening?

- Yes, we're flying to Aspen in the morning.

We got reservations.

- Oh, good. You'll get your vacation after all.

- How about that? (telephone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Wainwright, how are you?

Uh, well, no, but we're leaving

first thing tomorrow morning. (chuckles)

What do you mean, you don't think so?

Sepia? That's brown.

I always do the strip in black and white.

(audience laughing)

Singed at the edges?

Do the entire strip over? Oh, no, no, Mr. Wainwright.

Look, my wife and I are going to Aspen tomorrow,

and it took a lot of trouble to get those reservations.

And I'm not canceling them for you,

Cosmic Cow or anybody else, do I make myself clear?

Yeah.

Unpack. (audience laughing)

- Made yourself that clear, huh?

- I can't understand what happened.

Sara, when Jackie delivered my drawings this morning,

were they not in perfect condition?

- Well, uh, no, Dad. Not quite.

- What do you mean, not quite?

- Dad, it was all my fault. I used the wrong setting.

On the steam iron.

(audience laughing)

When I pressed your drawings.

- Don't just stand there, Muriel,

She's your daughter, too.

Find out what the hell she's talking about!

- Henry, just relax.

Sara, what the hell are you talking about?

(audience laughing)

- I had to iron the drawings to get the creases out.

- What creases?

- Monroe inadvertently slept on Cosmic Cow

and creased all the pages.

I tried to iron them out,

used too hot a setting and singed them.

(Henry chuckles)

- I'm supposed to be drawing a cartoon,

and suddenly my life is becoming one.

Where is Monroe? - He went to the library.

- You call him and tell him not to check out any books

because he's not gonna live long enough to read one.

- Henry, there is no use in upsetting yourself.

The damage is already done.

- Not quite, Muriel.

What size shirt did you say Monroe wore?

- A 15 1/2 neck.

- Oh. Perfect.

(gentle music)

- Hello, Miami Information?

Do you have a phone listing for a Benjamin Ficus?

F-I-C-U-S.

Thank you, operator.

Hello, Mr. Ficus?

Oh, uh, this is Henry Rush in San Francisco.

You don't know me, but your son Monroe

goes to school with my daughter Sara.

Oh, Monroe told you all about us. I see.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Monroe's fine, he's fine.

Uh, Mr. Ficus,

it isn't easy for me to say this.

I mean, I don't want to seem like I'm advising you

on how to be a parent.

Lord knows I've got problems of my own being a father.

It's just that I realized in the past few years that,

well, how fast children grow up, and before you know it,

they're gone and off into their own lives.

And well, Mr. Ficus,

while they're still with us,

we should grasp those moments and cherish them.

I just felt I had to call you and tell you that, Mr. Ficus.

Well, have a nice day.

- (Monroe) Anybody home?

- In here, Monroe.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Rush.

- What's that?

- Well, I bought you a present.

Sort of a peace offering.

- Oh, oh.

Monroe, that wasn't necessary.

- Oh, I wanted to do it.

I felt so badly about messing up your vacation plans.

I hope you enjoy it.

- Oh. Caviar.

Imported champagne, assorted cheeses,

smoked oysters, well. (chuckles)

You have wonderful taste, Monroe.

- Thank you.

(telephone ringing)

- Would you get that?

- Oh, sure.

Hello? Yes, he's right here.

Dad? It's me.

Monroe. How are you?

Oh.

You mean it?

You really want me to come to Miami?

Oh, gee, Dad, I appreciate that, but I can't.

I spent all my plane fare on a gift.

- Give me that. Uh, hold on, Mr. Ficus.

Monroe, you take that basket back where you bought it.

Get a refund and get a plane ticket to Miami.

- I can't do that, Mr. Rush. I didn't buy that in a store.

I bought it from a friend

who just got back from Los Angeles.

He won it on a game show.

(audience laughing)

- You're going back home. I'm gonna pay for it myself.

Uh, Mr. Ficus, this is Mr. Rush.

Look, I'll be sure that Monroe gets on that plane.

You just be sure that he gets off.

(audience laughing)

Thank you. Goodbye.

All right, Monroe, as soon as you're packed,

I'm driving you to the airport.

You're going to Miami.

- Well, thank you, Mr. Rush.

- Yeah. - You don't have to drive me

to the airport.

- I want to, Monroe.

- How about that? They want me to come home.

- (Henry) Yes.

- You know something?

I think they really do love me.

I mean, me.

Who am I? I'm just their son.

(audience applauding)

(cheery music)