Original subtitles

[Too Close For Comfort theme]

- Duck joke!

Where is the duck joke?

[audience laughs]

- Oh, are you still arranging notes for your speech?

I thought you'd be dressed by now.

- I want to be a hit tonight, Muriel.

Unless these are in proper order,

I won't get any laughs.

- You realize you've used every one of my recipe cards.

Lincoln wrote the whole Gettysburg Address

on the back of an envelope.

- And he didn't get one single laugh.

[audience laughs]

- Well, he was at a disadvantage.

He was talking about a war.

[audience laughs]

You're gonna be talking about an oversexed quarterback

who scores more off the field than on.

[audience laughs]

- But people love Buck Krulik

and they enjoy his escapades.

- I heard the only time he dated the same woman twice

was when he had amnesia.

[audience laughs]

- Muriel, what he does personally is his own business.

He happens to be a great football player

and a fine humanitarian.

I can't think of anyone who deserves

the Big Brother's Club Award more than he does.

Ah, here's the duck joke.

[audience laughs]

- And I don't know anyone who deserves

to present it to him more than you.

You have worked very hard on this speech.

- And I'm gonna knock 'em dead too, Muriel.

Sit down, I want you to listen to this opening joke.

- Oh.

[Henry clears his throat]

Use three cups of flour, one egg, and...

[audience laughs]

I'm sorry.

We are here tonight to honor Buck Krulik,

a man whose forward passes are a threat to any line,

especially the chorus line at the Tropicana.

[audience laughs]

- Telling jokes makes you thirsty?

- No, you do that to give the audience time

to laugh between the jokes.

[audience laughs]

- Well, enjoy it.

I think that's gonna be your last glass of water

for the night.

[audience laughs]

- You don't think that'll get a laugh.

- Henry, take my advice,

read the recipe, it's funnier.

[audience laughs]

- [Sara] Mom, Dad, where are you?

- We're in here, girls.

- Hi dad, we came up to wish you good luck tonight.

- Oh, that's very nice of you.

Thank you.

- Well, I sure envy you,

sitting on the dais right next to Buck Krulik.

[Henry laughs]

- I didn't even know he was back in town.

I thought he was still in Barbados.

He went there with Denise Carter,

Denise Carter, the actress.

They're an item.

- Sara, I'm not interested.

- Well, why'd you keep looking at me?

- 'Cause I thought there was a joke in there someplace.

[audience laughs]

- Come on, girls, let's go.

Your father has to get dressed.

- Okay.

- Before you go girls, sit down,

I want you to hear my opening joke.

[Henry clears his throat]

[Henry chuckles]

We are here tonight to honor a Buck Krulik,

a man whose forward passes are a threat to any line,

especially the chorus line at the Tropicana.

[audience laughs]

The younger generation, what do they know?

They think Steve Martin's funny.

[audience laughs]

Muriel, are you decent?

- Depends on what you have in mind.

[audience laughs]

- Muriel, I want you to meet Buck Krulik.

- Hi Muriel.

- Oh hi.

[audience laughs]

Well...

What a wonderful surprise.

It's delightful to have you in our home.

I'm a big fan of yours,

really I can't tell you what a pleasure it is

and how welcome you are.

Why didn't you phone first?

[audience laughs]

- Now, don't get on Henry.

Actually, he tried to phone,

but some clown was monopolizing the phone

making call after call trying to set himself up a date.

Finally, I ran out of dimes.

[audience laughs] [Muriel laughs]

- He just--

Please, sit down.

Come on.

- You're never gonna believe this, Muriel.

It turns out that Buck is a fan of mine.

He's trading an autographed football

for one of my original Cosmic Cow drawings.

- Oh, how wonderful.

Oh look, would you mind if I called our daughters

and ask them to come up and meet you?

You're their idol and they'd be so disappointed if I didn't.

- Well sure, I'd love to meet them.

- Oh, thank you.

- Muriel, would you bring in some ice, honey?

Yes.

- Henry, you didn't tell me you have daughters.

- Oh, it's nothing to talk about,

just two nice, plain, unattractive girls.

[audience laughs]

- How old?

- Young, very young.

[audience laughs]

18, 21.

- Just right.

[audience laughs]

[Buck laughs]

Relax, Henry.

[Henry chuckles]

- I'll make us a drink.

- Yeah.

Well, now these photographs of San Francisco are incredible.

What detail!

Where'd you get these?

- Muriel took them.

- Our Muriel.

- My Muriel.

[audience laughs]

- Yeah, she's a freelance photographer

and a darn good one as you can see.

- Here you go. - Ah, thanks honey.

Buck was just admiring your work.

- Oh, how nice.

Thank you.

- You only shoot exterior?

- Oh no, I do portraits, action shots, landscapes,

anything in commercial photography?

- Say, have you ever done any work

for a magazine called "Liberated Woman"?

- No, I haven't.

- "Liberated Woman"?

Isn't that the magazine that features male nude centerfolds?

- Uh-huh.

You're looking at the next Mr. July.

[audience laughs]

- You're going to pose for that magazine?

- Next week.

- In the, in the, in the--

- News.

[audience laughs]

Yes.

- It'll be a sellout. [laughs]

Oh, don't be so surprised, Henry.

Lots of sports figures and movie stars have posed nude

for "Liberated Woman Magazine".

- Oh, well, then you read it.

- Uh-huh.

In my gynecologist waiting room.

[audience laughs]

Henry won't allow it in the house.

- Why would a man of your stature want to expose himself?

Let me rephrase that.

[audience laughs]

Want bear himself for some woman's publication?

- Ah Henry, it's good publicity.

And I'm gonna donate the money to the Older Brother's Club.

And besides, the centerfold's only part of the layout.

They're gonna show me doing a whole day's activities,

you know getting up in the morning

and driving to practice and working out

an evening on the town,

you know, "A day in the life of."

- Well, I could never bring myself

to doing anything like that.

You're a better man than I am.

- That's why they want him for the centerfold.

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

Oh!

- Hi! - Hi!

[audience laughs]

- Oh, you have company.

[audience laughs]

- I wish we'd known.

We would've dressed.

[audience laughs]

- If you were any more dressed,

you'd be going to a coronation.

[audience laughs]

- Buck, I'd like you to meet our daughters.

This is Sara.

- Hello Sara. - Hi.

- And this is Jackie.

- Jackie.

- This is really a thrill meeting you.

[Buck chuckles]

- You're just saying that to make me feel good.

Now, you are succeeding.

[everyone laughs]

- Swell, if you'll excuse me, Buck,

I'll go get the Cosmic Cow drawing.

- I hope you and Denise had a nice time in Barbados.

- Barbados?

- I read in a fan magazine that you and Denise Carter

spent a fabulous two weeks in sun-drenched Barbados.

- Sara, you cannot believe everything you read

in those trash sheets.

Now, they exploit people,

they make things up,

anything to sell a magazine.

- Oh, then you mean it's not true

about Orson Wells and Brooke Shields.

[audience laughs]

- I don't know what you read, but I hope not.

[audience laughs]

- Here you are, Buck.

And I really am flattered that you want this.

- Henry, thanks.

This is terrific.

And here's your football.

- Hey. - Hey.

[audience laughs]

- Good hands.

Well, listen everybody,

it's been great, but I've really got to run.

- Oh well, thanks for coming by

and congratulations on your award.

- Well, thank you.

And thank you Henry for that speech tonight.

You were hilarious.

- [Henry] Thanks.

- That opening joke really broke them up, didn't it?

- It sure did.

- Goodnight.

- Bye. - Bye.

- [Henry] Great guy, great guy.

- What a terrific guy!

- Oh, he makes you feel so at ease.

- You gotta laugh with that terrible joke

about the chorus line at the Tropicana.

- Well, I didn't use that joke.

I used another one.

- Oh, which one?

- Oh, I don't remember.

- You got that big a laugh and you don't remember.

- Well, it was mostly ad lib,

something about his not dating the same girl twice

unless he had amnesia or something.

[girls laughing] [audience laughs]

- [Jackie] That's good.

- [Sara] That's funny.

- That's my joke!

[audience laughs]

You used my joke and didn't tell me.

- What's the big deal.

Your joke, my joke!

What's the difference?

- The difference is my joke got a laugh

[audience laughs]

- Muriel!

Muriel!

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

Oh, was that you?

I've been looking for you.

Don't you ever get out of the kitchen?

- I tried.

[audience laughs]

- Where were you all morning?

I called you several times.

- I was out.

I was shooting an assignment.

- You didn't tell me you had an assignment

when I left this morning.

- Oh, I didn't have it this morning.

I got an emergency call at noon

from "Liberated Woman's Magazine".

- Why would that magazine call you?

[audience laughs]

- It seems Buck Krulik had a disagreement

with the staff photographer and the photographer quit.

So he recommended me and they called and offered me the job.

Wasn't that nice of him?

[audience laughs]

- Where was he?

Go on.

- Oh Henry, it was so exciting.

We shot all over San Francisco.

You know the layout for, "A day in the life of Buck Krulik."

- Oh, I see.

You mean Buck recommended you to shoot the exteriors.

- Uh-huh.

- Well, that was very nice of him.

Who are they going to get to shoot the centerfold?

- What would you like for dinner?

[audience laughs]

- Muriel, I asked you a question.

- [Muriel] I asked you a question too.

- I asked first.

[audience laughs]

- Henry, let's not be childish.

What would you like for dinner?

- Forget about dinner, we'll eat out.

- We can't eat out,

- Why not?

- I don't want to have a fight in a restaurant.

Oh Henry, what's the big deal.

I'm a professional photographer

and Buck Krulik is my subject.

I've done it hundreds of times,

only this time the subject happens to be nude.

- Muriel, how could you without even discussing it with me?

- Henry, you weren't here when they called,

and the photographer has to do the entire job,

the exterior and the centerfold.

You understand.

- I understand.

When are you doing it?

- Tomorrow? - You're not doing it.

[audience laughs]

- Henry, Henry!

I am a professional.

All I'll be doing is looking through the camera.

- It's not what you'll be looking through,

it's what you'll be looking at.

[audience laughs]

A naked man!

- All right, I'll close my eyes.

[Muriel chuckles]

Do you see how ridiculous this is?

- I don't care how ridiculous it is.

You're not doing it.

- Yes, I am.

- Muriel, I forbid it.

- Forbid!

Forbid!

That's it!

That's it, Henry, you just blew it.

Up until you used that word we had a discussion going here.

You could have said, "Muriel, I don't want you to,

or you could have said,

"Muriel, I'd rather, you didn't."

You could even have gone as far as, "Muriel, I insist."

But forbid!

[audience laughs]

Good night, Henry, I'm going to bed.

I have to be at the studio early in the morning.

- All right, Muriel, I insist.

- [Muriel] Bully!

[audience laughs] [upbeat music]

[soft music]

- Ah!

[kettle clanking]

[hands slapping]

- Hi Dad.

- Hi Dad. - Hi, hi honey.

- [Jackie] Where's Mom?

- Oh, she has a photo assignment.

Want some breakfast?

- No thanks,

we just ate. - We're eating out.

[audience laughs]

What kind of photo assignment?

- Portrait.

- Oh, what kind of portrait, sitting?

- I hope so.

[audience laughs]

- Who is she photographing?

- Buck Krulik.

- Buck Krulik!

[laughs] She's doing that.

- I can't wait to tell the kids at school.

- You tell the kids at school

and you'll never step foot in this house again.

[audience laughs]

- What's wrong with you?

- Sit down girls, I have something to tell you.

Uh!

Uh!

Uh!

[audience laughs]

Your mother, my wife,

the woman who wouldn't let me kissing her

until our second date

is going to photograph Buck Krulik

for a centerfold for "Liberated Woman's Magazine".

- Mom!

Buck in the buff, far out!

[girls laughing] [audience laughs]

It's one terrific assignment.

I bet every woman photographer in the country [mumbles].

- What kind of an attitude is that?

At this very moment, your mother's in a studio

about to photograph a nude man,

and you're happy about it.

- Dad, she isn't doing anything wrong.

She's just photographing him.

- That is her profession you know.

I don't wanna hear about it.

[audience laughs]

- I had enough of that last night.

Like I don't understand your attitudes.

- And we don't understand yours.

You think it's wrong for women to photograph a nude man.

Yet, it's perfectly respectable

for men to take pictures of nude women.

- It's the old double standard again.

- Well, I happen to like the old double standard.

[audience laughs]

It's the way I was brought up,

and the world was a lot better place to live in then.

A man I could take his whole family to the movies.

He could bring a magazine home

and not be ashamed of it's being in the house.

Didn't have to go to a gynecologist to read a magazine.

[audience laughs]

- You go to a gynecologist?

[audience laughs]

- Oh!

- Its time to go, Sara.

- Oh, I just can't picture Mom in the same room

with Buck Krulik in the nude.

- I know.

- You're lucky.

I can't picture anything else.

[audience laughs]

- Okay, Buck should be out of makeup in a few minutes.

That's a lot of body.

It takes time to cover it.

How are you doing?

- Fine, I'm almost ready.

- You gotta be pretty thrilled, huh?

- I gotta.

- Are you kidding?

To be photographing the Buck for a nude centerfold!

- Mr. Harris, I'm a professional photographer

and this is a job.

The fact that the subject is nude

is of no particular interest.

- You're trying to tell me you're not impressed.

- The least.

- Wait 'til you see him.

[audience laughs]

- Good morning, Muriel.

- Oh, good morning.

Are you all made up?

I'll take your word for it.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, set looks nice.

- Thanks, Buck.

I thought it'd be a great idea

to let the women of America know

that you're not just a jock,

that you've got charm, class, dignity,

that you've got intelligence,

and you know how to read.

[audience laughs]

- Thanks.

Well, I guess you want me to sit in this chair here.

- Yeah, you'll be sitting here reading a book.

Oh Muriel. - Yes.

- It's important that we read the title of the book.

Okay?

- That means I'll have to get in kind of close.

[audience laughs]

- So get in close.

What's the big deal?

I just want to make sure that we see the title.

You see I specifically picked this book

to sell the intellectual image.

- What's the name of the book?

- "Raise the Titanic".

[audience laughs]

Okay, you're all set here.

I've got things to do.

Muriel, he's all yours.

- No don't.

Well, I mean, don't you think you should stay here

and make sure everything goes just the way you want it.

- [chuckles] You're the pro.

If Buck asked for you, you must know your business.

Ciao, baby.

- You know.

- Well, let's get this over with.

- [Muriel] Hold it!

- What's wrong?

- What's wrong?

Oh, several things.

- What things?

- Like oh gosh, the chair, the rug, the books,

they're all off.

- Well, they look okay to me.

- Ah, ha-ha-ha. Well they would tell you,

but you see to the trained eye of a photographer

take my word for it,

they're all just a little off.

[audience laughs]

- Okay, fix them.

- Okay, this won't take long.

[audience laughs]

Oh, did you see that? [laughs]

[audience laughs]

Iran was showing.

[audience laughs]

There that's much better, don't you think?

- Lot.

Okay, now.

- Wait!

- [Buck] Well, now what?

- I am just really not happy

with the way the light is hitting that chair.

I'll just go right ahead and adjust it.

- Muriel, Muriel, wouldn't it make more sense

for me to disrobe and sit in the chair

while you adjust the light?

- No, no, no, no.

You wouldn't want to do that.

I mean, you might catch a cold.

I don't how long this is gonna take me.

- Well, how long could it take

to adjust a simple little light?

- Well, you see, we have to be absolutely precise,

otherwise, we might end up with a shadow on your nose.

- Believe me, Muriel, nobody's gonna be looking at my nose.

[audience laughs]

- I will.

[audience laughs]

[Buck laughs]

- Would you believe this will be the first time

I'll be undressing in front of a woman

without taking her to dinner first.

- Dinner!

I would love to go to dinner.

Thank you.

[audience laughs]

- Muriel!

- Huh!

- It's 10 o'clock in the morning.

- Is that all?

It's interesting, isn't it, how some days just crawl.

[audience laughs]

- Muriel. - Yeah.

- Sit down.

- What are you gonna do?

[audience laughs]

- Talk.

Now look.

I'm just as embarrassed about taking my robe off

in front of you as you are.

- Really?

- Yes.

I'm very uneasy about this,

but I made a commitment and I have to go through with it.

You don't.

- But I also made a commitment to you.

- I know.

And I'm letting you out of it.

Don't worry, I'll get another photographer.

- You're really willing to do that.

- Well, I can see how difficult this is for you,

and well, I respect your feelings.

You're off the hook.

- Oh.

[audience laughs]

Buck, you are a fine gentleman.

- And you know, you're right.

- Huh?

- There is a little shadow on your nose.

[audience laughs]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Oh Muriel, you're home.

Here, let me help you with that.

- Thank you.

Are you all right?

- Yes, a lot better than I was last night

and this morning,

- I'm glad.

- Muriel, I owe you an apology.

I've been doing a lot of thinking

and I came to the conclusion that you're a photographer

and you were just doing your job,

and I was wrong to try to stop you.

- Oh honey.

That is so sweet.

- I also realize that I am what I am

and I'll probably never change,

so I want you to promise me

that you'll never accept this type of assignment again.

- You got it with pleasure.

- Well, wait a minute.

What happened?

- Oh Henry, I was a nervous wreck

at the thought of him taking off his robe.

I kept stalling and stalling until finally he realized it.

- And?

- Well, he was very understanding.

He told me I didn't have to go through with it.

He let me off the hook.

- Really?

Oh, that Buck Krulik he's okay.

- No, he's more than okay.

He's terrific.

- So what did you do all day?

Did you go shopping?

- No, I was shooting the centerfold.

[audience laughs]

- But you just said he let you off the hook.

- He did,

but once he said I didn't have to go through with it,

I was so relieved and so relaxed,

I was able to go ahead shoot the picture.

[audience laughs]

It was a piece of cake.

[audience laughs]

[upbeat music]

[Too Close For Comfort theme]