Original subtitles

[Too Close For Comfort theme]

[upbeat music]

- Thanks.

- Oh come on Henry, it's not the end of the world.

It's only jury duty.

- I know It's only jury duty.

I happen to have a comic strip to get out by Monday

and this is going to slow me down.

- Hi!

- Hi.

- Good morning.

- Isn't this great weather for skiing?

- I wouldn't know. I don't intend to go skiing.

- We do.

- Some thing's up, Muriel.

[adience laughing]

- Dad, why are you always so suspicious of us?

- Because I can tell when you want something

by the way you just say good morning.

- What if we came in here and said, "Good morning,

isn't this a lovely day for a drive?"

would you think we wanted a car?

- Yes.

- Well we don't, we want skis.

- Girls, you don't barge in here first thing in the morning

and ask your father for skis.

First you see if he's in a receptive mood.

You wait until he's calm and relaxed in good humor.

- All the snow will be melted by then.

[audience laughing]

- Dad.

Monroe heard about a great deal on two pairs of skis.

Practically brand new.

- We can save a bundle but we have to act fast.

- How fast?

- [Monroe] Today!

[audience laughing]

- Monroe, What are you doing

in the living room eaves dropping?

- [Monroe] I was afraid if I came into the kitchen

you'd yell at me.

- I won't yell at you.

Now get in here!

- Okay, if you promise.

Good morning, Mrs. Rush.

- All right Monroe, what is this big deal?

- Well, there are these two girls in one of my classes.

They're twins, identical twins.

You can't even tell them apart.

- I don't care.

Now get on with it.

- Well, anyway, they got these brand new skis for Christmas.

- A gift from their father.

- Yeah And they've only used them once

and now they want to sell them.

- Monroe, what's wrong with the skis?

- Well, there's nothing wrong with the skis.

Just the twin's legs.

- They broke them.

- Oh, how terrible.

- Oh, thank you.

Well not if you look at the bright side.

You see before you couldn't tell the twins apart,

but now you can.

Because one of them broke her left leg

and one of them broke her right leg.

Only problem is we don't know which twin broke which leg.

- But we do know who in this room is weird, don't we?

[audience laughing]

- Please Dad, can we buy the skis?

- Look, if you girls have your hearts set

on buying those skis, it's fine with me.

- [girls gasping] Oh daddy, I love you.

- How you spend your money is no business of mine.

[audience laughing]

- Our money? Well, we don't have $300.

- If we did, we wouldn't be standing here hugging you,

we'd be half way down the slopes by now.

- Oh, I see, I misunderstood your intentions.

You mean you want me to buy those skis for you as a gift,

Is that it?

- Not anymore.

- Henry, you're gonna to be late for jury duty.

You girls better get going too.

- I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'm not going to say yes. I'm also not going to say no.

I'll think about it.

- Thanks, dad.

- I have to let the twins know by the end of the day.

Well, sometime next week would be fine.

No later than spring thaw?

[audience laughing]

- Muriel?

- Hi, honey. How was your day?

- What's wrong?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Why are you crying?

- I've been chopping onions.

[audience laughing]

- You know you left the front door unlocked?

- Yes, I knew you'd be home any minute.

- There are a lot of crazy people out there

and they're armed.

What if a maniac came in here wielding a knife?

- I'd ask him to chop the onions.

[audience laughing]

- That's not funny Muriel.

If you had to serve on jury duty today,

you would find out what I'm talking about.

- Oh, really?

What kind of a case are you on? Tell me about it.

- Well I'm under oath not to discuss the case

with anyone in the family.

- Oh.

- There was this woman who was lying in bed

and she sensed somebody in the room.

When she opened her eyes there was this man,

the defendant, standing over her.

- How did he get in the house?

- She failed to lock the front door.

- Oh, there's a moral to the story.

[door bell rings]

It's open!

- I locked it.

[audience laughing]

- [Henry] Who is it Muriel, is it for you or me?

- There's enough here for both of us.

[audience laughing]

Can I help you?

- Mr. Arthur Wainwright is here to see Mr. Henry Rush.

[audience laughing]

- How nice to see you Mr. Wainwright,

would you come in please.

- Regis, wait in the limousine.

- Regis? She's new, isn't she?

- Yes. It's a new rental company.

All their chauffeurs are tall, magnificently built women.

- Oh, what a novel idea.

How long has the company been doing that?

- Since I bought it.

[audience laughing]

- Rush, how are you doing on the next issue of Cosmic Cow?

- It'll be ready Monday, right on schedule.

- I can't wait that long.

The printers are going out on strike.

I need it by tomorrow morning.

- Tomorrow, but that's impossible.

- Henry's on jury duty, Mr. Wainwright.

He can't possibly get it done by tomorrow.

He has to be in court.

- What time?

- Nine o'clock

- Splendid.

You can drop the strip off at my office at eight.

- But the that means I'll have to stay up all night working.

- People who care, people who are dedicated,

stay up all night.

- There were 1,100 of them on the deck of the Titanic.

- That doesn't apply here.

Those people weren't working, they were singing.

- 8:00 A.M. sharp, Rush. On my desk.

- But Mr. Wainwright I can't...

- Look, Rush.

There will be 500 additional dollars

in your pay envelope this week.

- Well, I'll do the best I can to get it done.

- Good.

Oh, if you should have to get in contact

with me this evening, I'll be at the top of the mark.

I'm taking my chauffeur dancing.

[audience laughing]

- Muriel, how am I going to stay up all night?

I'm exhausted now.

- Oh, Henry look, I'll just make a big pot of coffee

and Jackie and Sarah and I will all take turns

staying up with you to keep you awake.

- Those onions affected more than your eyes Muriel.

Do you think those two princesses downstairs

are going to lose a night's sleep

just because I have a deadline to meet?

- Oh, Henry. You're their father.

They love you. They respect you.

And they'll want to show their appreciation for the skis.

- Well, what makes you think

I'm going to buy them those skis?

- Well the bonus means extra money you hadn't planned on,

so there's really no reason anymore to turn them down.

Besides I know you, you're a push over.

- You know Muriel, I resent that.

I really resent that.

- What? That I called you a pushover?

- No.

That you know me so well.

[audience laughing]

- Here's another fresh pot of coffee.

- [Henry] Oh, thanks.

- How are you holding up honey?

- Well, the coffee is keeping me awake

but I'm not getting very much work done.

- Why not?

- I keep going to the bathroom.

[audience laughing]

- Well, is there anything you want me to do for you

before I go to bed?

- Yes, you can wake Jackie and tell her her shift is over.

[audience laughing]

- Jackie, honey, wake up.

- What time is it?

- It's midnight.

- Oh good, I didn't think I'd make it.

Good night, dad.

- Good night. Thanks for your help.

- Oh, that's okay, you'd do the same for me.

- No, I wouldn't, I'd stay awake.

[audience laughing]

- Tell Sarah it's her shift

and to wake me when she's through.

I'll take the final shift.

- Right.

- Well, I'll see you in three hours.

- Okay.

- If you need me, just call.

[audience laughing]

- Ooh!

[coffee splashing]

[door knock]

Come in, Sarah.

- Hi Mr. Rush.

- Monroe, what are you doing here? And where's Sarah?

- Well we were studying for an important exam tomorrow

and she started to fall asleep

so I told her to go to bed and I'd take her shift for her.

- Oh, that's very nice of you, Monroe.

- Thank you.

- Sit down.

Want some coffee?

- Oh no, Thanks. Coffee keeps me awake.

[audience laughing]

- It's supposed to keep you awake

otherwise how are you going to keep me awake?

- Well that's why brought my book stuff with me Mr. Rush.

I'm going to study while you work.

- Oh, you're not going to play that radio while I'm working.

- Oh, you won't hear the radio at all.

I have these headphones!

[audience laughing]

[book drumming]

- Monroe.

Monroe.

[Monroe singing]

Monroe.

Monroe!

- Oh Henry. Henry, what is it?

I wasn't calling you. I was calling Monroe.

- Where is he, in Oakland?

[audience laughing]

[Monroe singing]

- No, but I wish he were.

- What is Monroe doing here?

- Well, Sarah was tired so he's taking her shift.

- [Muriel] Oh.

Well, good night.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Rush, how come you're not working?

- Because you're driving me crazy.

Now sit down and no more radios.

- I'm sorry.

Can I get you anything?

- Just quiet.

Ooh.

I'll never make it.

- Mr. Rush wake up!

[audience laughing]

- What did you do that for?

- You were falling asleep.

- I wasn't falling asleep.

I was just resting my eyes, you idiot!

- Oh I'm sorry, here let me dry...

[audience laughing]

Ooh I'm so...

[audience laughing]

[Monroe stuttering]

Good night, Mr. Rush.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Henry, we have to drop off your drawings

at Mr. Wainwrights office

before I drive you to the courthouse.

So come on, let's get a move on.

Henry.

[audience laughing]

Henry! Wake up. Wake up. Come on.

- Ugh, I'm so tired.

- I know darling, but we have to go.

- I didn't get a minutes rest.

- I'll get your jacket. Come on.

- Okay.

- Come on.

[Henry yawning]

Come on.

[audience laughing]

- Hi mom. How's dad?

- Well, he didn't get much sleep so he's really tired

but he's a trooper.

He got it done.

- We came up to thank him.

- Oh, he's in the kitchen.

- Where is he?

- I don't know.

[Henry snoring]

- Dad! - Dad!

- Come on, wake up.

- Come on, honey, come on.

- What are you girls doing in my bedroom

in the middle of the night?

- This isn't your bedroom

and this isn't the middle of the night.

It's seven o'clock in the morning.

- Don't argue with me I'm your father.

[audience laughing]

- Do you think he'll make it through the trial?

- I don't think he'll make it through the kitchen.

- Would you please stop talking about me

as if I weren't here?

- Who said that?

[indistinct chatting]

- Good morning.

- What? Oh, good morning.

- I'm so glad this trial is going on another day.

- I wish I felt that way.

- It's just like on television.

I was telling my husband last night

how exciting jury duty is.

Boy, did he get mad at me.

- Why?

- I don't know, I told him while we were making love.

There's just no pleasing that man.

- Please rise for the honorable Samuel Warfield.

Judge of the court now presiding.

You may be seated.

This court is now in session.

- Your honor, the people call it's witness

Miss Eula May Preston.

- The witnesses is reminded that she is still under oath.

- Miss Preston.

Do you recall the point in your testimony

you had reached yesterday?

- I do.

- You had stated that you had awakened

in the middle of the night to find the defendant

standing over your bed.

- [Miss Preston] That's correct.

I was terrified.

- And did he speak to you?

- Indeed, he did.

[audience laughing]

- What were the actual words he used?

- Oh, I couldn't.

I could never say those things.

- Miss Preston.

It would be very helpful if you could.

- Do I have to, your honor?

- Yes, you do.

- He said,

he said, how would you like to blank blank blank?

- Do what?

Blank, blank, blank.

- I see.

Did he use an expletive?

- I wouldn't know.

I fainted.

[audience laughing]

- What the judge means is,

did he actually say, blank, blank, blank?

Or did he use other words?

- Oh, he used other words of course.

- Well, would you please tell the court

what those words were?

- Oh no, they're not words I would ever say.

They're the kind of words

that nasty people write on walls of restrooms.

[audience laughing]

In fact, I saw them just this morning in the ladies room

down the hall.

But I could never bring myself to say them.

- Perhaps it would be easier

if the witness could write down what the defendant said.

- Thank you your honor.

- How...

Would you like to...

Should they be in capitals?

[audience laughing]

- Not necessarily.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- I think the jury should read this.

[audience laughing]

- Psst!

- Psst!

[audience laughing]

Here read this.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[Henry coughing]

- I'm very flattered, but I'm married.

[audience laughing]

I thought you told me you were married, too.

- What are you talking about?

- This note.

- Well, pass it along.

[audience laughing]

- I beg your pardon!

- Pass it to the man sitting next to you.

- He'll think it's from me.

- So?

- What if he says yes?

- What seems to be the trouble?

- Oh, nothing. Nothing your honor.

Nothing at all.

- Don't put it in your pocket.

Pass it along to the rest of the jury.

- But...

Oh I couldn't do that your honor.

This is a...

This is rather private.

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- And then, he ripped up the note and ate it.

[girls laughing]

- Oh no!

Oh, dad!

- Dad, you actually thought that note

was from the woman next to you?

- And very disappointed when he found out it wasn't.

[audience laughing] [door bell rings]

[girls laughing]

- Mr. Arthur Wainwright to see Mr. Henry Rush.

- Have him come in.

[Muriel sighs]

[audience laughing]

- Oh no! I forgot to open the back door of the limousine.

- Oh, well then go downstairs and open it.

- Not here, I left him in front of his office building.

- Indeed you did, Regis.

I was forced to take a taxi.

That'll be $20 less on the mantle piece this week.

- Forgive me, sir.

I'll wait downstairs in the limousine.

- Yes.

And Regis, stay off the phones!

Word of advice, Rush.

Never hire a chauffeur with family in Sweden.

- I'll keep that in mind.

- Good. Now I have tremendous news.

The printer strike has been averted.

- What?

You mean I killed myself working all night for nothing?

- Not exactly for nothing, Rush.

Your bonus.

[Henry chuckles]

- Their bonus.

- Really? Dad thank you.

Thank you.

- You can borrow the skis anytime you want.

- You just bring back the change.

- He promised them skis, that's why they're so excited.

- You're a very fortunate man, Rush, to have children.

Me, I'm all by myself.

Isn't that sad?

With all my money,

I'll never know what it's like to make someone that happy.

- I'm sorry Mr. Wainwright.

- Lord knows I do my best for Regis.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Wainwright, I'm sure she appreciates it.

- Who knows? She's so damn tall,

I can't see if she's smiling.

[audience laughing]

- Poor man. His life has no meaning.

- Yes, what does he really have to look forward to?

Driving home all alone in the backseat of a big limousine,

having a gorgeous blonde chauffer at the wheel.

Dining in some fancy restaurant, dancing in some disco

and then having her drive him home

to his bachelor penthouse apartment.

I wonder what it's like to experience

that kind of loneliness.

- Well, don't worry about it.

You're never going to find out.

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]