Original subtitles

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- You're the only father I know

who reads the comics in the morning.

- Happens to be my line of work.

Bankers read the financial section,

jocks read the sports section,

cartoonists read the funnies section.

- Well, then, who reads the news?

- Masochists.

- Hey, Mom.

What was the name of that musician you used to go with?

- Oh, goodness. That was ages ago.

I can hardly remember his name.

Rich Holland. Why?

- Says, "Rich Holland Quintet opening at the Velvet Goose

Thursday night." - Ooh, let me see that.

- Muriel, I was in the middle of "Mary Worth."

- Oh, it must be the same Rich Holland.

You remember, Henry, the, uh-- the drummer I used to date

when I was singing with the band.

I told you about him. Didn't I tell you about him?

- Yeah, several times. A lot.

Too much. Up to here.

- (sighs)

He was such a terrific-looking guy.

He had this gorgeous black hair.

Strange women used to stop him on the street

and ask if they could shampoo him.

I wonder what he looks like now.

- He's bald.

- How do you know? - He has to be.

You know the kind of life musicians lead.

Traveling on the road, drinking, smoking grass.

Second thing that goes is always the hair.

- Well, what's the first thing?

- Never mind.

- Ohh... that.

- Hey, Mom, are you gonna get in touch with him

while he's in town?

- Oh... I don't think so.

It's-- It's kind of dumb to-- to rake up the past.

Besides, it wouldn't be fair to your father.

- (chuckling) Oh...

Don't put that off on me, Muriel.

If you wanna call Rich Holland, go ahead and call him.

- Oh, really, Henry? You wouldn't mind?

- Why would I mind if you want to get in touch

with an old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old friend?

- Well, he isn't that old and...

he was more than a friend.

- Muriel, I'm very secure in our marriage.

I can handle it. Now, why don't you

just go and call him?

- You know something? I love you.

You are a wonderful, open-minded,

liberal human being.

- Well, you'd do the same thing for me

if an old love of mine showed up from out of the past.

- The hell I would.

- (sighs)

Let's see if I--

(rattling)

Oh...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(chuckling)

Mmm.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Nice cast you got there.

Ming?

- My doctor's Chinese.

- Ah.

I'm looking for the Rush apartment.

Is it this one or is it the one upstairs?

- Both-- the first generation lives upstairs

and the second generation lives downstairs.

- Ah, and you're the, um, handyman.

- Among other things.

- Well, actually I'm looking for Mrs. Rush.

- Oh, she isn't in at the moment.

Is there anything I can do to help?

- No, no problem. Just tell her that, uh,

I'll call her later. Rich Holland stopped by.

- All right. Uh...

Rich Holland? - Yeah.

- Are you the drummer's son?

- No, I'm the drummer.

- Are you sure you're not your son?

- Oh, no, I know. I look very young for my age.

Actually I'm 52.

I'm almost as old as you are, Pops.

- You're older.

- Oh, no offense. No offense.

Tell me, you know, I haven't seen Mrs. Rush in a long time.

How is she?

- She's fine.

- No, I mean, how does she look?

You know, when I knew her, that chick had a body

that would not quit, you know what I mean?

Would not quit.

- It quit.

- Well, to me, she'll always be a ten.

Tell her I'll try to call her later.

- Henry, I--

Rich! - Muriel!

(both laughing)

- Oh, look at you! You're still a ten!

Oh, I can't tell you how good it was

to hear your voice on the phone-- that voice!

- Oh, thank you, Rich.

Oh, I-I see you met Henry.

- This is your husband?

I thought he was the handyman.

(both laughing)

I'm sorry, Henry.

- What's that on your hand, Henry?

- Oh, uh, remember that bracelet Sara lost last week?

I found it. (rattling)

- Ah. - Ah, so...

you're Muriel's husband.

- Yes. You're Muriel's drummer.

- Well, tell me what's been happening to you

the past 25 years.

- Oh, it would take 40 years to tell it.

- Well, I can't spare the time, Muriel.

Would you help me with this?

- Oh, honey. - Oh, let me help.

- Oh... (chuckles)

- (chuckles) - Did, uh...

Did you ever get married?

- Oh, all the time. I'm working on my fourth now.

Of course, we're separated at the moment.

She's in New York and I'm here. (imitates rimshot)

(both laughing)

- I bet they were all band singers.

- Well, of course.

I had to make up for losing you, didn't I?

- Aww. Would you just--

- Oh, let me try it this way. - Okay.

- Here we go. - Uh, oh!

Now, do you open, uh, Thursday night?

- Right, right. - Right? Oh, good!

Then you can come tonight for dinner.

I want you to meet our daughters.

- Oh, terrific! - Now, look.

Why don't you just stand still and I'll pull?

- Okay.

(grunting)

- Ah! Ah!

(both laughing)

- Well, some things never change!

(both laughing)

- Oh, Rich, you're so...

- While you're waltzing down Memory Lane, Muriel,

I'll be upstairs, waiting!

- Henry?

Rich will be here any minute.

Oh, come on.

You're not still angry about this afternoon.

It was an accident our falling on the couch together.

- You weren't in any hurry to get up.

- How could I? He was on top.

- I don't want to discuss it.

- We've been married 24 years

and I've never seen you jealous.

- I'm not jealous.

I just don't like the man. I don't trust him.

- Why not?

- Muriel, he's 52 years old.

He should have some gray hair.

He touches up, Muriel.

I know the type.

They do their armpits too.

- I-I cannot believe you're carrying on like this.

Whatever happened to that wonderful, open-minded,

liberal human being I married?

- Muriel, maybe you shouldn't have married me.

Maybe I was second choice. Maybe it was Rich Holland

that you really wanted to marry.

- Now that's ridiculous and you know it.

I never wanted to marry anyone but you.

I loved you.

You were warm and sweet and kind.

I never could've married Rich.

He was overseas at the time.

- Muriel, you'll never work for the State Department.

- Hi. - Oh, girls!

Well, you two look gorgeous.

- I have a spot on my dress and I can't get it out.

I asked Jackie if she'd loan me her sweater

but she refused.

- Well, I loaned her a sweater last week,

and she put it out of shape.

- How did I put it out of shape?

- You had it on backwards.

Now when I wear it, I look like Quasimodo

with twin humps.

- (chuckling)

- Mom, when's your musician friend coming?

- I don't know. I'm kind of worried.

I hope he didn't have an accident.

- Don't try to cheer me up.

- Well, what time did you tell him?

- 7:30.

- Oh, he's all right.

He probably took an extra hour to tease his hair.

(rhythmic knocking on door)

- Guess who. - Ahh, come in.

- See? I told you.

- Well, I'd like you to meet our daughters.

This is Jackie. - Well, hello.

- Hi. - And this is Sara.

- How you doin'?

So you're Jackie, huh?

Hi, Pops. How you feel?

- If you don't mind, I don't like being called "Pops."

- Hey, it has nothing to do with age.

See, "Pops" is like an affectionate expression

that musicians use, you know, when--

- I know what it means.

I've been around. I'm "hap."

- Hip.

- Hip, hap, same thing.

- Dinner will be ready soon.

Help yourself to some hors d'oeuvres.

- I'd just like to wash my hands first.

- Oh, bathroom's right down the hall.

- Okay, be back in a minute.

- Take your time!

We know how long it takes to get that dye off your hands.

- Mom, I like him. He's handsome.

- He's held up well, hasn't he?

- He's cute and sexy.

It's hard to believe he's Dad's age.

- You know something?

For young girls, you've got lousy taste.

- Why?

Mom liked him once too.

- That was 24 years ago.

She didn't know any better.

- Well, that's when she married you.

- You want your rent raised?

- Well, he must have had a lot of girls after him.

- Oh, a lot.

You see, in the, um... in the days of the big bands,

the drummer was always seated up way high on a platform

with a spotlight on him.

He was the center of everyone's attention.

Ooh, he was a very romantic figure in those days.

- What do you mean, "in those days"?

(rolls tongue)

- Oh, Muriel, I could kick myself.

- Get in line.

- Now, see, I had something for you,

and I meant to bring it tonight.

And of course I left it in the hotel room.

- Well, you know, when you hit 52,

first thing to go is the memory.

- I thought the other thing was.

- You're rent is definitely being raised tomorrow.

- Uh, what was it?

- Muriel, do you remember the demo record you made

to audition for the job with the band?

- You-- You still have that? After all these years?

- Hey, you were the best.

Girls, you should've heard your mother sing.

She was dynamite.

In fact, anytime you want your old job back...

- Oh, no, thanks, Rich.

I have my life in the best place it's ever been.

- My sister sings pretty good, too, you know.

- Who, Jackie? - Not that good.

- Oh, come on.

She really sings up a storm, Rich.

- Well, Jackie, I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow evening, why don't you come down to the club?

We're woodshedding some stuff for the opening,

and I'd like to hear what you can do.

You never know.

- Really?

I'd love to. - Good.

It's a date.

- Well, dinner's ready.

Let's all go into the kitchen.

- Good. I'm starved.

- Huh.

- Don't expect too much tomorrow night, Rich.

I'm not that good. I just fool around a little.

- Yeah, but do you sing?

- (grunting)

Good night, sweetheart.

- You're going to sleep? - I have to.

I'm not dressed for anything else.

- Well, don't you wanna talk? - Talk?

I've had enough talk for one night.

(groans)

- Well, I'm just amazed that you can turn out the light,

roll over, and go to sleep.

Knowing.

- Knowing what?

- That Rich invited Jackie down to the club tomorrow night.

Aren't you even the least bit concerned?

- Well, I would if it were you, but it's Jackie.

Come on, Muriel, he's old enough to be her father.

He'll listen to her sing, he'll give her a pat

on the head, and that'll be it.

- Did you see the way Rich looked at her tonight?

Believe me, when Rich looks at a girl that way,

the last place he wants to pat her is on the head.

- Muriel, what's really bothering you?

- Nothing. Forget it.

- Good. Let's get some sleep.

- It isn't fair.

- What isn't fair?

- Why is it that men get more attractive as they get older

and women just get older?

- Oh... (chuckles)

Thank you.

- I wasn't talking about you.

- Ohh...

(laughing)

So that's it. - What's it?

- You feeling a little deflated...

because an old love comes back into your life,

looking greater than ever, but only this time,

instead of being attracted to you,

he's attracted to your daughter.

It's perfectly natural. I understand.

- You don't understand.

Rich is always hitting on young girls.

He has a thing for young girls.

He's notorious for it.

- What? What?

What?

Well, why-- why did you let him invite her down

to th-th-that nightclub?

- Well, you could have stopped her.

- Well, I don't know he had this reputation for young girls.

Where did you find this out?

- When I was a young girl.

- Well, well, she's not going.

I'll handle that tomorrow.

- You will? - Oh, I promise.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Henry.

Oh, I feel so much better.

(sighs) Now I can get some sleep.

(chuckles)

Ahh...

- Hi. - Hi.

- Where's your sister? - Uh, she's getting dressed.

She's going to Rich's club tonight.

- Can you tell her I want to talk to her?

- Jackie, Dad wants to talk to you!

- I could've done that.

- Well, why didn't you? I almost swallowed my tongue.

- Would you please get up? I'm sick of talking to your feet here.

- Hi, Dad. - Hi, Jackie.

Listen, Jackie, I...

Sara, uh, would you excuse me?

- Sure. - No, no, no.

I mean I want to talk to Jackie alone.

- Oh, I thought you were going to belch.

- She could've stayed. She's only gonna eavesdrop anyway.

(Sara) I will not!

- Jackie, I never beat around the bush with you,

and I'm not gonna start now.

- Good, because I'm running late.

- I don't want you to go to that club tonight.

- Why not?

- Because I don't trust that Rich Holland.

He's a musician.

He's worse than a musician.

He's a drummer.

- Dad, he just wants to hear me sing.

- Oh, sure, sure, sure. He'll hear you sing,

and he'll offer you a job and you'll go on the road

and you'll travel in dilapidated buses

and stay in seedy motels and you'll take drugs

and you'll pass out in the middle of a song

and our phone will ring and the morgue will be calling!

- That was Bette Midler in "The Rose."

- So you think it only happens to Jewish girls?

- Dad, I know what I'm doing.

I'm over 21. I earn my own money.

I have my own apartment.

- Well, I can change that in a minute.

Look, it's-- it's not just me.

It's... it's your mother.

I'm... I'm worrying for two of us.

- Well, why is Mom concerned?

She's known Rich for years.

She used to go with him.

- That's why she's concerned.

- Well, you can relax, both of you.

I'm gonna go to the club and I'll sing my song.

Rich will tell me whether I'm good or bad.

Guess which.

And I'll be home early, okay?

Mwah. Good night.

(Sara) Good night, Jackie!

- Henry? Henry?

- I'm over here by the window.

- Ooh, what time is it?

- I'll tell you what time it is.

She's not home. That's what time it is.

- Who isn't home yet? Jackie?

- Mmm.

- Oh, my gosh. It's 4:00.

- It's 4:02.

If it were 4:00, I wouldn't be this nervous.

Muriel... did you know our paper boy is a girl?

- Do you think we should call the police?

- Why, because the paper boy's a girl?

- No, because Jackie isn't home yet.

(vehicle doors closing)

- It's them.

- Henry, where are you going?

- I'm going downstairs and I'm going to kill them.

- Henry, wait. - Don't try to stop me.

- I don't want to stop you. I wanna help you.

(both laughing)

- Oh, boy, thanks for seeing me home, Rich.

- Well, it's a habit I got into a long time ago.

You never know when you're gonna get lucky.

- Well, I got lucky tonight.

I had a wonderful time.

- Well, why end it now?

- Aha!

- Hiya, Pops. What are you doing up so late?

- Mom, Dad, this isn't at all what you're thinking.

- How do you know what I'm thinking?

- Rich was just kissing me good night.

- Jackie, it is after 4:00.

- I'm sorry, but I waited for Rich till the club closed.

And then we went out for some breakfast

and he made me a proposition.

- (stammering) A prop-- A prop--

A proposition?

- Singing, singing.

- You mean, you-- you offered her a job?

- Yeah, to go on the road.

- Doing one-night stands with you?

- And the quintet.

- No daughter of mine is doing any one-night stands.

- Singing, singing!

- What am I missing?

- Clothes. Put some on.

- Why? Where are we going?

- Nowhere.

That goes for you too, Jackie.

You're not going on the road with a bunch of cheap,

sleazy, hard-drinking, pot-smoking musicians.

- Dad, I already turned it down.

- I don't-- You did?

(chuckling)

You hear that, Muriel?

She already turned it down.

- Dad, I'm not looking to go on the road with a musician.

I don't want to give up my job at the bank.

Someday I'm gonna get married,

and when I do, it's gonna be to somebody

who's old-fashioned, reliable, and wonderful.

Like you.

- (chuckling)

- Well, uh...

I guess maybe, uh, I'd better be running along.

Muriel, I'll, uh, make sure you get that demo record.

- I really would like to have it.

Good-bye, Rich. - Bye.

Bye, Jackie. Pops.

How about you, doll? Do you sing?

- No, she doesn't. Good-bye.

Come back in another 30 years. It was nice seeing you.

(laughter)

Muriel...

I was wrong.

He doesn't dye his hair, he buys it.

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