Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Hen-- Henry, you're making that chili too hot.

- Would you trust the expert, Muriel?

The secret of making great chili is to achieve that degree

of flavor without making it too hot.

It's a very fine line.

Takes years of chili-making not to cross the border.

(audience laughs)

Here... taste this.

Hmm?

Not enough chili powder?

(Muriel groaning)

What... what's the problem?

(Muriel wheezing)

Did I cross the border?

- Sí, señor. - Hmm...

(Muriel moaning)

(Jackie) - Mom, Dad, hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

(Jackie) - Dad's making chili?

- How'd you know that?

- The plant in the living room died.

(audience laughs)

- What plant? - The cactus.

- The cactus should've been able to handle it.

- Hey, Mom, have you seen my new red dress?

I can't find it anywhere.

- Could it be at the cleaners?

- Well, it was but I thought I picked it up.

- Why don't you ask your sister?

She's always borrowing things.

- Well, Sara's not home.

She's probably off with Monroe someplace.

- You know, I can't understand it.

With all the boys in the campus,

why does she waste her time with a guy that's

mopey and sad,

with his big soulful eyes looking at you all the time?

- Because you won't let us have a dog.

(audience laughs)

- Sara, we were just talking about you.

- Hi.

- What's wrong? - It's Monroe.

- Monroe! - He hasn't been himself lately.

- That's an improvement.

- Dad, I'm really worried.

He's been very depressed.

I finally convinced him to see one of the psychologists

at the campus clinic.

- Oh, what did the psychologist say?

- Monroe won't tell me, he refuses to talk about it.

And I'm really worried.

- Well, Sara, it's probably something very personal.

- But he should have someone to talk it over with.

I know Monroe.

He won't tell me because he doesn't want to upset me.

- Well, if he doesn't want to upset you,

he's doing a lousy job.

- Dad, would you talk to him, please?

You're older, he'll listen to you.

- Oh, honey!

Don't worry about him, Monroe's gonna be fine.

- I'll talk to him. - (Sara whimpering)

- There's no need for you to cry over him.

- I'm not crying over Monroe,

I'm standing too close to your chili!

(audience laughs)

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

Where did you come from?

- Well, Sara said you wanted to see me, Mr. Rush.

- Yes, but how did you get in here?

- Well, I was coming out of Sara's apartment

and saw you going up the stairs so I followed you up.

- Well, you scared me half to death.

You should've said something.

- Well, you were reading and I didn't want to disturb you.

- Well, you should've knocked or something.

- Oh, okay.

(knocking)

Sara said you wanted to see me, Mr. Rush.

- I know that!

- What is it you wanna talk to me about, Mr. Rush?

- Sit down, Monroe.

- It's really important, huh? - Yes, it is.

- Yeah, I thought so.

When ever some says "sit down," it means they're going to

tell you something important.

- I'm not gonna tell you anything.

In fact, I'm... gonna ask you something.

I understand you've been having some problems

and you went to see a psychologist.

- Yes, sir, I did, but I can't tell you what he said.

I have that right.

It's called "doctor/patient privilege."

- Only a doctor's supposed to claim that, not you!

- I'm sorry, but I still can't tell you.

- I want you to know that-- that you can confide in me.

Uh, don't think of me as Sara's father.

Think of me as a friend that you can turn to

in time of need.

- Oh, well, that's very nice of you, Mister--

can I call you Henry?

- No. - Oh.

- Well, the psychologist was very understanding.

- Mm-hmm.

- He explained to me that my condition

is something often found in young men

in the prime of their lives.

(audience laughs)

- Monroe, you-- you mean--

- Yes.

- Oh, I... I can't tell you how badly I feel, Monroe.

If it's any consolation to you,

there are many young and famous men

who've faced the same fate at the zenith of their careers.

Ernie Davis, Brian Piccolo, Lou Gehrig.

- Lou Gehrig? - Yes.

- Him too?

Gosh, I thought he was married.

(audience laughs)

- Well, he was, but what does that have to do with it?

- Well, it doesn't make sense.

I mean, how can a man be married and-- and still be a virgin?

(audience laughs)

- Why are we discussing virginity, Monroe?

- That's my problem. - What do you mean?

(audience laughs)

- I'm still a virgin.

- Oh...

Well, at least you're not

suffering from an incurable disease.

(audience laughs)

Uh, did the-- did the psychologist offer any--

any suggestions?

- Well, he told me there are lots of people my age

who are still virgins, and there's nothing wrong with that.

He said just to let nature take its course.

- Yes, well, that makes

perfectly good sense to me, Monroe.

- Yeah-- yeah, well, Mr. Rush, do you think you could help me

with, you know, letting nature take its course?

(audience laughs)

(Henry chuckling)

- I don't think so, Monroe, I'm married.

(audience laughs)

- No, I didn't mean you, I-- I meant a woman.

- I know what you meant, Monroe.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm married

and that I don't know any of that kind of woman.

- Well, I don't know who else to turn to.

- Well, this is a time when a boy needs a father.

(Henry chuckling)

You see, Monroe...

(audience laughs)

Monroe, where are you?!

Ahh!

Will you stay put?!

(audience laughs)

What I was saying, Monroe, is this a time when

a boy needs a father.

Too bad yours is in Miami.

- Well, I already called him and told him my problem.

- He said he'd take care of it. - Good.

- Yeah, he sent me a check for $2 and an address.

(audience laughs)

He said that's what it cost him when he was my age.

(audience laughs)

Well, I drove there first thing this morning

and when I got to the address, it was a McDonald's.

(audience laughs)

I don't know what my father had in mind,

but I ended up with two Big Macs.

(audience laughs)

- Hi. - Hi, Mom.

(Jackie) - Hi, Mom.

- Am I interrupting anything?

Because if I am, I can come back later.

- No, no.

Did Dad talk to Monroe?

- Oh, that's-- that's what I wanna see you about.

- Is it bad?

- Oh, Monroe is fine.

It's-- it's nothing serious.

- It's nothing I can catch, is it?

(audience laughs)

- I was hoping you already have it.

(audience laughs)

- Mom, what are you trying to say?

- Uh, girls, sit down.

(Muriel chuckling)

Oh, it's been a long time since we've had a real

mother/daughter talk.

You know, I've kind of missed those moments.

- Mom, what about Monroe?

- Monroe's problem is a social one.

It-- it comes from lack of intimate contact

with the opposite sex.

- You mean he never, ever--

- Right.

- You mean he's still-- - Correct.

(audience laughs)

- He can't be.

- Well, it's the truth.

What do you mean, "he can't be"?

(audience laughs)

- I don't know, I just assumed--

I mean, who would think the guy--

- You see, that's exactly why he didn't tell you.

It's the old double standard.

If a woman keeps her virginity, you respect her.

If a man does, you ridicule him.

- Well, what did the psychologist tell him to do?

- Well, he said to just ignore it

and let nature take its course.

(Sara) - Yeah.

- And that's what I want to talk to you about, Sara.

- Me?

- I wanna make sure that you're not on his course.

(audience laughs)

- I know what Mom's getting at, Sara.

You know, if I were you, I'd start being a little more

careful about how you dress around Monroe.

Well, for example, look at what you're wearing right now.

I mean, you can't dress like that around him anymore.

It's too...

- Dangerous.

- You mean, you want me to dress--

- Square.

(audience laughs)

- Can I borrow some of your clothes?

(audience laughs)

(Jackie clearing throat)

- Okay, I see you have the right idea.

I'll see you later, okay?

It was so much easier with the birds and the bees.

(audience laughs)

- Gosh, this is going to be a lot harder for Monroe

than it would be for most guys.

He's so shy, so unaggressive.

Jackie, do you know any nice girls at the bank

you could introduce him to?

- Are you crazy?

I wouldn't ask a girl to go to the movies with Monroe,

let alone what you have in mind.

(audience laughs)

- Well, if nobody will help him, I guess it's up to me.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

(knocking)

- Oh, could you hold on? Who is it?

(Henry) - It's us, your favorite parents.

(audience laughs)

- Come on in, I'm on the phone.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Rafkin.

Well, any time this week you can drop it off will be fine.

And I wanna tell you, I think you are very sweet,

kind and considerate to go out of your way for me like this.

Yeah, I'll pay for the cab.

(audience laughs)

- We just saw your lights on.

What are you doing up so late?

- Solving the case of the missing red dress.

- Mrs. Rafkin had it?

- Took it by mistake when she came here a few weeks ago

to pick up all her brother's belongings.

- How could she make a mistake like that?

- Why not?

The man's a transvestite.

He had a closet full of dresses.

One of Jackie's could've gotten mixed in.

- How?

Her brother never wore strapless.

(audience laughs)

- Is Sara in bed?

- I hope not, she isn't home yet.

(audience laughs)

- Where is she?

- Oh, she went to a beach party with Monroe.

- With Monroe?

- Isn't it sort of cold for a beach party?

- Well, don't worry, they took plenty of blankets.

- Bla-- bla-- bla-- bla-- bla-- bla-- bla-- blankets?!

- Henry, Henry, don't overreact.

They just went to a beach party.

- Well, for once, I'm on Dad's side.

- Thank you. - Why are you on his side?

- Yes, why are you on my side?

- Because last night Sara said it was up to her

to help Monroe out with his... problem.

(both laughing)

- What a terrific time we had!

- Yeah, we had a great fire going, good food.

(both chuckling)

(audience laughs)

- How are you feeling, Monroe?

- Oh, much better, Mr. Rush.

Thanks to Sara.

Yeah, that beach party was just everything I needed.

- Don't just stand there, Sara.

What do you have to say?

- Oh, I enjoyed it too!

(Monroe chuckling)

Monroe, we'll do it again sometime.

- Yeah, well, it's getting late, I better go.

- And quickly.

- Oh, gosh.

- What did he mean, "thanks to Sara"?

- Oh, he was thanking me for introducing him

to some nice girls at the beach party.

- I don't care about them, my concern is with you.

- Me? - You.

- Dad, how could you-- Monroe?

Me and Monroe?!

I don't wanna discuss it!

(Sara whimpering)

(door slamming)

- Well, does that put your mind at ease?

- How could it? She never answered me.

(audience laughs)

- Well, it puts my mind at ease.

And now that it's at ease, I'd like to put it to bed.

Goodnight.

(Henry) - Thankless job being a parent!

Bring them into the world, you raise them,

you make sacrifices, give them everything!

Ask them one little question and they walk out on you!

- Come on, Henry.

(audience laughs)

- Are they gone?

- Yeah, now we can get some sleep.

Goodnight.

- Wait, there's something I have to tell you.

- Oh, Sara, I'm tired, I don't wanna hear it.

- You have to hear it, it involves our apartment.

- What do you mean it involves our apartment?

- Well, the other day I took matters into my own hands

and told Monroe's roommate about his problem.

He explained to Monroe that there are such things

as sexual surrogates.

- What do you mean it involves our apartment?

- Uh, a sexual surrogate is a person clinically trained

to help people with their sexual problems.

- What do you mean it involves our apartment?

(audience laughs)

- Well, Monroe asked the psychologist about it

and the psychologist said it was an unusual request

but he agreed.

So tonight I told Monroe he and the surrogate

could use our apartment for their,

you know, rendezvous.

- You didn't!

- Well, he can't use his apartment.

His roommate's cramming for an exam.

Jackie... we won't even know they're here.

You know, and it's for such a good cause.

(audience laughs)

- Well... okay.

But just this one time.

And I don't want the pick of the litter.

(upbeat music)

- Hello, anybody home?

It's me... it's me, Mildred Rafkin.

I brought your dress.

(audience laughs)

Oh, I've gotta get one of these things.

(audience laughs)

I'll leave it in the closet.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you're here. - Hello.

(audience laughs)

- Hi there.

Oh, these are for you.

- Thank you.

What's the occasion?

- Well, I'm the-- the guy you're supposed to meet here

to, uh, make love with.

(audience laughs)

- What?

- I'm the guy you're supposed to make love with.

- You're making a mistake.

I'm not one of the Rush girls.

- Oh, no, no, I'm not-- I'm not making a mistake.

You're the one I'm supposed to meet, all right.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Let me get this straight.

You wanna make love to me?

- Very badly.

- What are you, a junkie?

(audience laughs)

- No, I'm just a little inexperienced.

Could-- could we please get started?

- What do you think I am, a cheap floozy?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, I think you're a wonderful,

attractive and a very sophisticated lady.

I have nothing but respect for you.

- Well, that's different.

(audience laughs)

Let's go.

Now, don't think I do this with everybody.

- No.

- In fact, I think the last time...

was, uh... 1945.

(audience laughs)

- 1945?

- Yeah, V-J Day.

We had a ball.

- Well, don't you think that we should settle

the money part of this first?

- Oh, not so fast.

If I don't like it, I'm not paying.

- Oh...

(audience laughs)

No, you don't pay me, I pay you.

- Oh, how sweet. - Yeah.

- I couldn't let you do that.

You're a young boy, you can't afford it.

Tell you what, we'll go Dutch.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't know you could do that.

- Oh, yes.

You're so young.

There's a lot you don't know about sex.

Just give me a minute and I'll take off my corset.

- Your what?

- My corset. You don't know what a corset is?

- No.

- Stand back and you won't get hurt.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I think I'm crazy about you!

(Monroe blowing)

- Could you close the window?

There's a draft in here.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, this is really exciting.

(audience laughs)

- I went on a cruise for $6,000, nothing happened.

Go figure I should get lucky returning a dress.

Go, sweetheart.

- Monroe!

(audience laughs)

Mrs. Rafkin.

Oh... I'm terribly sorry.

- You should be, interrupting like that.

- What?

- Oh...

(Henry) - Monroe?!

- I'm-- I'm-- I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Rush.

I can explain.

The psychologist, he arranged for me to--

I was supposed to...

Uh, have a nice day.

- Sonny, Sonny... will I hear from you?

(audience laughs)

(Henry chuckling)

- Mrs. Rafkin, I-- I don't know

what went on here, and you don't owe me any explanation.

- Good, because you're not getting any.

You know, this could've been another V-J Day.

(audience laughs)

Bigmouth.

(audience applauding)

- I was told you were 21.

- What?

- Well, never mind.

Just don't expect a student discount.

- Who are you, what are you doing here?

- I'm the surrogate. - What surrogate?

- You don't have to be bashful with me.

That's what I'm here for, to help you with your problem.

- Problem?

- You have waited a long time, haven't you?

(audience laughs)

Well, how shall we get to know each other?

- Oh...

You stay away from me.

You come near me and I'll eject you bodily.

- Oh, that's good, we could start by touching.

- What?

- Oh... - Oh...

- What are you doing?

- The doctor said nothing about you being kinky.

- Kink-- what are you...

Oh!

Oh, no, oh, Muriel!

Oh, you!

(Henry chuckling)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)