Original subtitles

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- Muriel, where have you been?

- Well, I dropped off your drawings,

bought a new camera lens,

and had a mad fling in a sleazy motel.

- What kind of lens?

- (scoffs) How sweet.

You missed me. - Well, I was worried.

I thought perhaps something had happened to you.

- It did.

I had the most wonderful talk with Mr. Wainwright.

I have exciting news.

- He loved my drawings? - No.

- He hated my drawings.

- Henry, your drawings were fine.

But he told me there's an opening for a staff photographer

in one of his magazines, "News View."

- You're trying to tell me something.

- Oh, Henry, you know photojournalism

is what I've always wanted.

And Mr. Wainwright really seemed interested in me.

- Yes, well, I'm very happy for you.

- You don't sound it.

- Well, I'm sorry, Muriel. It's just that I--

I know what happens to photojournalists.

They get sent on assignments. They travel to exotic places.

They meet other photojournalists.

They have mad, impetuous affairs.

- Ooh! Sounds terrific.

And I get paid too.

Aww. - Mom, Dad!

There's this guy in my cinema class,

Nino Antonelli. He's a friend of Monroe's.

- He's a genius. Are we interrupting something?

- A lot.

- He's really a brilliant director.

And he's shooting a movie for his graduate thesis.

- Everyone says he's gonna be another Martin Scorsese.

- Who needs another one?

I can't even pronounce this one's name.

- Now, here's the big news.

Our apartment is going to be in his movie.

- What do you mean your apartment

is going to be in his movie?

- Well, Nino has been looking for an apartment

to shoot some scenes in.

- And I said he could use ours as a location.

That's movie talk.

- Forget it.

That's landlord talk.

- But, Dad, we already made a deal.

I signed a paper saying he could use our apartment.

- And we've already accepted Nino's check for $50.

- "We"? "We"?

How did you get involved in this, Monroe?

- Well, I put the package together.

I introduced Nino to Sara.

And then I negotiated the location fee for the apartment.

You could say I acted as the agent.

- I could say a lot of other things, Monroe.

- Well, if it'll make you feel better, Mr. Rush,

I won't take any commission.

- Sara, you really should've asked first.

I have heard terrible stories about movie companies

coming into a home and wrecking the place.

- But, Mom, it's only for one day.

- Nino's downstairs right now. He's looking over the apartment

to get some camera angles.

- They're shooting on Saturday.

- Oh, oh, not Saturday.

(stammering) Saturday is no good.

- But Mom!

- Listen to your mother, Sara.

Saturday is out.

Why is Saturday out?

- I, uh, I invited Mr. Wainwright to dinner.

He wants to see my work, and I can't take a chance

on anything going wrong.

- You invited Wainwright to dinner

without asking me, Muriel?

You know how I feel about that man.

I mean, how could you invite my boss

into my house for dinner?

The least you could do is have the courtesy to ask me first!

- Roast beef okay?

- Roast beef sounds fine.

- Hey, Dan, I'm telling you, don't worry about it.

The deal-- - Hey, Sara, how--

- Hey, hey, hey, hold it down, will ya?

I'm on the phone!

Go ahead.

- Who are you? - I'm in the apartment now.

It's gaudy, it's cheap, it's tasteless, it's perfect.

Okay. Call me back.

Hey, somebody's on the phone, have a little more

consideration, you know what I mean?

- Have a little more consideration?

- Hey, what, is there an echo in this place?

If there's an echo, I can't shoot here.

- Would you mind telling me who you are

and what you think you're doing here.

- I don't think, little girl, I know.

I'm making a movie. The name's Antonelli.

May not have heard of me yet, but one day, you will.

- You're making a film here in this apartment?

- Yeah, the, uh, blonde fox rented it to me.

- My sister?

Hey, Sara can't do that without asking me.

- What about this door? Is there a key or am I

gonna have to take it off the hinges?

- You know where the blonde fox is?

I wanna have a talk with her. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stay off the phone!

I'm expecting a call!

She, uh, she went upstairs to tell your old man

she's renting me the place.

- Oh, good.

Then I won't have to throw you out on your ear.

My old man's gonna do it.

- (chuckles)

- Well, I'm going downstairs to tell Nino it's okay.

- Not until I find out what this movie is all about.

- Oh, it's a modern love story about a guy and two girls.

- Oh, my God. It's a porno film.

- Henry, just because it's about a guy and two girls

doesn't mean it's a porno film.

Does it?

- Of course not.

- Well, I don't trust today's movies.

I like the old-fashioned kind

like "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,"

where everybody came out even.

- Yeah, I agree, Mr. Rush.

Like "Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice."

- Don't get smart, Monroe.

Just tell Nino that I wanna talk to him.

- You can tell him yourself. He's downstairs waiting.

- Well, why didn't you tell me? - I did tell you, Dad.

You weren't listening. You never listen.

- That's not true, and I resent that.

And I always listen. Don't I, Muriel?

- No.

- I can't understand why my sister said yes to you

in the first place.

- Try money.

- Well, I know it wasn't her personality.

- Also she gets to work on the movie as a gofer.

- Gofer? What's that? - Someone you order around.

Someone who goes for things.

You know, go for this, go for that.

- Well, that's demeaning. - Okay!

She can be executive gofer.

- Okay, here's my dad.

- Mom, Dad, this is Nino.

Nino, this is my sister Jackie--

- I've already had the displeasure.

Tell him, Dad.

- Nino, before I agree to this deal...

- What?! - Save it, Pops.

The deal is set. - Oh, no.

The deal isn't set.

I wanna know who's gonna pay for the damages,

and who's gonna clean up this place after you're through.

- Hey, Monroe!

Mr. William Morris.

Didn't you tell me there wasn't gonna be any trouble?

If I'd known I was gonna get hassled,

I could've shot somewhere else.

- Oh, I'll handle it, Nino.

I'll handle it. (clears throat)

But not right-- not right now.

- Oh, okay, fine.

Give me back my money, tear up the contract,

and I'll find somewhere else to shoot.

- Good.

- And someone else can be the gofer.

- Oh, please, Jackie!

We can use the money. And Dad, I earn credits

for practical experience in moviemaking.

- Mrs. Rush, sweetheart.

You won't even know we're here.

We'll be very quiet and we won't disturb your dinner party.

- (sighs) Well...

I guess it's all right.

Henry?

- Well, if it's only for one day.

Okay with you, Jackie?

- No, but we can use the money.

- All right, all right.

But make sure you leave this place

exactly the way you found it.

- Correction.

Just leave it neat.

- I'll just make sure I stay far away from here on Saturday.

- And make sure you're out of here by 6:00 a.m.

- 6:00 a.m.? - Right.

And have the coffee on.

- Tell that to your executive gofer.

- Jackie!

- Relax.

What are you so nervous about?

- Well, I have to show Mr. Wainwright my work.

It means a lot to me. He's a very important man.

- Well, if Wainwright has an ounce of taste, he'll love you.

You happen to be one damn good photographer.

- Oh, thank you, darling.

Uh, oh, oh, I have to go put the hors d'oeuvres in the oven.

- Don't worry about dinner. Everything's gonna be fine.

I just wish that Nino Fellini downstairs would finish his epic

and clear out of here!

(sighs)

Mu-Mu-Mu-Mu-Mu...

Muriel! Muriel!

- Okay, anguish, feeling, all right?

And action!

(knock at door) Cut!

- (sighs) Oh, hi, Dad.

Shh! - Don't shush me.

There's a giraffe looking in my window.

- What? What?

Nino, my father says there's a giraffe outside his window.

- Good, they arrived. - "They"?

There are more of them?

- Please, I'm directing.

Move that light over there, take the other--

- I demand to know what's going on here.

- Monroe, throw him off the set.

- I can't do that. He's Sara's father.

- I don't care whose father he is.

He's interfering.

- I wanna know what that giraffe was doing

peeping in my window.

- Look, it's very simple.

The giraffe is one of the animals on the ark.

- (stammering) Ark? Ark?

W-W-What else is on the ark?

- Two baby elephants, two chimps, two bears.

They're all outside in the van waiting.

- They're in makeup.

- Sara!

- Dad, I swear I didn't know.

What should I do?

I'll put paper on the floor, lots of paper.

- There isn't enough paper in the Sunday "Chronicle"

to cover what's gonna happen on this carpet.

- Okay, okay, let-- let-- let me explain my film.

You see, the world is coming to an end

because of pollution, pestilence, television.

My three characters are planning to save the only things

on the planet worth saving-- the animals.

The animals.

So they build this ark.

The night before they leave, they steal all the animals

out of the zoo and hide them in their apartment.

That's the scene we're about to shoot now.

- I think it's a beautiful story.

- Oh, I think it's sensational.

Well, well, it's interesting.

You couldn't pay me to see it.

- I want everybody out of here in five minutes!

- Oh, please, Dad.

If you throw Nino out now,

all the film he's shot will be wasted.

- Sara, we're having Wainwright to dinner.

I don't think he wants to see any animals

unless they have gravy on them.

- Okay, look, Mr. Rush, we only have another hour shooting

and then, then we'll be gone.

- Please, Dad?

You'll be so proud of me when I bring home an "A" in cinema.

- (sighs)

All right, they can stay. But no animals!

A dog or a cat maybe.

A goldfish or a parakeet even better.

But no animals.

- Hey, you got it!

Monroe, leave all the other animals in the van.

Bring me a dog or a cat.

- One hour.

- Okay, let's get back to work, folks.

We only got one hour. Now, cast, remember.

I want emotion, I want feeling,

I want depth, I want it to come from the gut.

- Whoa.

Uh, this is the only cat I could find in the van.

- Hey, that's the one.

- But, but that's a lion.

You told my father a cat.

- A lion is a cat.

Your father and I didn't talk size.

- Good boy.

(clears throat) Lovely cat.

- Very interesting, Muriel.

Good depth, nice composition.

I like the personal vision. - Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, now, here's an unusual shot of the bridge.

I used a polarizing filter on a zoom lens

and I shot it from a helicopter.

- Ohh, do you like to fly?

I'll have to take you up sometime.

- Oh, are you a pilot?

- Mmm, I've been flying for years.

- So, do you have your own plane?

- A blimp.

No other way to see a football game.

- Um, I have some other shots I'd like you to see.

- Mmm. - Whoops.

- Oops, sorry. (chuckling)

Hmm, your wife is a very talented woman, Rush.

- Yes, we're quite a talented family.

- Oh, really? I didn't know that.

- Are you still here?

- Hey, keep it down, huh?

Okay, let's do this scene one more time.

Sara, tell Monroe to bring in the lion.

- Monroe, bring in the--

- Sara, he said "lion."

What does he mean "lion"?

- Oh, he means cat.

- How big a cat?

- You know, your normal, regular, large-sized cat.

- Let me put it to you this way.

Is it too big for a litter box?

- The lion. The lion.

- Yeah, where is it? We're waiting.

- He's gone. - I thought it was in the van.

- That's what I thought.

- Well, where could he have gone?

- Not far, I took the keys out of the ignition.

- Rush, I'd like to see where you work.

- Right this way.

I keep a drawing board in the corner of my bedroom.

I like to work in the bedroom.

- Oh, isn't that distracting?

- Only when Muriel's undressing.

- I know what you mean.

- (sighs)

Henry?

Henry, dinner's ready.

Henry, can you hear me?

(lion growling)

- Yes.

Well, we were going to make a studio for me

out of my daughter's bedroom,

but we just never got around to it.

- Procrastination is the thief of time.

- Mr. Wainwright, you'll sit right there.

- Oh, yes, good. - Henry.

- Okay. Mmm, smells good.

- Thank you. It's just the salad.

- (chuckling)

- Well, Mr. Wainwright,

would you care for some fresh pepper on your salad?

- Ahh, pepper.

The pungent product of a fruit of an East Indian plant.

Can be used as a condiment or stimulant.

Can also provoke a sneeze.

- Can also provoke a hernia.

Depending on the size of the sneeze.

- Henry, the pepper.

- Coming right up.

(indistinct background chatter)

- (stammering) Mu-Mu-Mu-Mu...

Muriel, I-- I have to talk to you.

- Well, Henry, the salad's wilting.

- Excuse us.

- Henry, what is wrong with you?

- Muriel, I'm gonna tell you something now,

and I don't want you to scream.

- I won't scream.

Unless something's happened to Sara or Jackie.

- There's a lion in the kitchen.

- You pulled me away from the table for that?

- I'm serious, Muriel. I saw him.

Long teeth and hair out to here.

- Are you sure it's not one of Sara's boyfriends?

- It's that nut downstairs making the film.

One of the animals escaped.

- You mean there's really a lion in the kitchen?

(gasps)

- You promised not to scream.

(fake laughing)

- That was before I knew what there was to scream about.

- Shh! He'll hear you.

- I don't care if the lion hears me.

- Not the lion. Mr. Wainwright.

Right, right! (fake laughing)

- Henry, you've got to tell him. - What, and lose my job?

And you're never gonna get yours either.

- Well, it's not my fault that there's a lion in the kitchen.

- No, but it's Sara's fault there's a lion in the kitchen.

And it's our fault that there's a Sara.

We've gotta get out of here. - What about the food?

- There's a lion in there.

What makes you think there's any food left in the kitchen?

- You folks obviously have something

very important to discuss.

I'll get the pepper.

- No! - What?!

- I'll... - Um, oh, Dad!

There's a lion loose.

- A lion? What kind of a lion?

A Nemean lion? A Nubian lion?

An Asian lion?

(lion growling, roaring)

It's a Nubian.

An Asian is one octave lower.

- Oh, my God. It's in the kitchen.

- A chair, quick!

Now where did this lion come from?

- From downstairs. Uh, he's in the movie.

- I'll call the police. - No, no!

Don't call the police, Mr. Rush!

They might shoot him.

He's a very valuable lion.

He had a walk-on in "Born Free."

- I don't care if he had the lead!

I want that lion out of here!

- I'll go look in the truck and see if I can find his toy.

He has this little rubber Pygmy he likes to chew on.

I'll see...

- I'll take care of the lion.

- You? - Mm-hmm.

I've been on many a safari, Rush.

The king of the beasts and I are on intimate terms.

Hold this, please.

(chanting) * Hi-ho, Simba, hiya *

* Simba, hi-ho, Simba, hey, Simba, hey *

* Hi-hi-oh *

Simba!

(lion roaring)

(objects crashing)

(Wainwright shouting)

- Oh, my God!

(objects crashing, lion roaring)

(Wainwright screaming)

(Wainwright) Simba!

(crashing stops)

- I couldn't find his toy,

but I got some tranquilizers.

Could I have a glass of water? I can't take them without water.

- Here you go. He's all yours.

Do something about his breath.

- Did you swallow your little Pygmy?

Come on.

- Okay, let's get down there and finish this flick.

- Hold it! As far as I'm concerned,

this flick is finished.

And I want you out of here immediately.

- Sara.

Please explain to your father

that if I don't finish this film,

you're not getting those extra credits.

- You heard my father.

Out!

- If that's not clear, I can make it even clearer.

- Okay, okay. We all go through this.

Cimino, Coppola, Polanski.

No big deal.

- I'm sorry, everybody.

I'm sorry.

- It's okay. It's okay.

- Come on, Sara, let's make sure he leaves.

- (Henry sighs) - And Mr. Wainwright, are you all right?

- I think I scuffed a shoe.

- That's the bravest thing I've ever seen.

- Well, did you get a picture?

- A picture?

Oh, I'm sorry, it never occurred to me to get my camera.

- Muriel, a good photojournalist never has to think twice.

You always have to have a camera with you.

You eat with it. You sleep with it.

You make love to it.

You never know when news is gonna break.

- He's right. I blew it.

- You're a very talented woman, Muriel,

but I'm afraid you're not ready.

You're not what "News View" needs.

- Good, because she just happens to be exactly what I need.

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