Original subtitles

(theme music)

**

**

**

- Mom? Oh.

Are you going downtown tomorrow?

We need a favor.

- No, no, I'm not, why?

- We want you to pick up some theater tickets for us

for Saturday night.

- Oh, what are you going to see?

- The international company of "O'Calcutta".

- "O'Calcutta"? Isn't that the show

where everybody on stage is totally nude?

- Mom, you know, you sound a lot like dad.

This is the revival of a hit musical that played in London

and New York for years.

- I just can't see spending that kind of money to see a bunch

of nude men and women singing and dancing.

- Is that all they do?

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, Dad.

- Oh, hi, darling.

- Oh, hi, Jackie, Sara, honey...

- Henry, is everything okay?

I expected you home hours ago.

- Well, after I dropped off my drawings with the publishers,

Hank Quinlan and I stopped off for a farewell drink.

- A farewell drink?

Who's leaving?

- Hank Quinlan definitely.

Me, probably.

- What are you talking about?

What happened?

- Random Comics has been acquired

by Wainwright Publishers.

You ever hear of Wainwright Publishing?

- (all) No. - Well, they're the biggest.

They publish everything from news magazines to comic books.

- Isn't that redundant?

- Why would they let Hank Quinlan go?

He's an excellent editor.

- He's also 53.

Arthur Wainwright is notoriously youth oriented.

He thinks everyone over 40 is over the hill.

- Dad, Wainwright would never fire you.

You're too talented.

And besides, who could he get to draw the strip?

- Nobody could draw a cosmic cow of the way you do.

You give it a sense of humor

that's so special, so unique.

- Thank you.

- Even if I don't understand it.

- Henry, you're not going to lose your job.

So stop worrying about it.

- It's not just me, Muriel.

Everyone over 40 at Random Comics is in a panic.

The drugstore in the lobby sold out of Grecian Formula by noon.

- What are you going to do? - What can I do?

Gotta find another drugstore.

Well, pal, this could be our last issue.

We may both be out of a job soon.

"How come?"

Wainwright, a new publisher,

he likes his cartoonists young, and I'm 51.

"So why should I be dumped? I'm only eight."

- Henry...

would you like some coffee?

- Not at my age. Prunes maybe.

- Would you stop that?

(Sara) Mom, Dad!

- Yeah? - My purse was stolen.

- What? - Her purse was stolen.

- I heard her. - Sorry.

- How did it happen? Where? When?

- Right outside the theater.

Monroe drove me to pick up the tickets from "O'Calcutta."

I had just put them in my purse

when this man wearing an overcoat approached me.

- An overcoat.

It was 75 degrees today.

- What did he look like?

- I don't know.

He threw open his overcoat

and he didn't have any clothes on him.

- Mm-hmm.

- So I looked away quickly,

and that's when he grabbed my purse and ran.

- Monroe, where were you when all this was happening?

- I was right there next to her.

- Well, did you anything about it?

- I didn't know it was a purse snatcher.

I thought it was one of the cast members advertising the show.

- Can you describe him? - Oh, sure, yeah.

- Well, go on.

- Well, um... - What?

- Not in front of Mrs. Rush and Sarah.

- Oh, forget it.

This serves you right for wanting to see such a disgusting

show in the first place.

And I resent you taking my daughter to see such a show.

- I'm sorry.

- Monroe wasn't going.

The tickets were for me and Jackie.

- Why did you say you were sorry?

- (stammering) I... sorry.

- What did you have in your purse, Sara?

- Everything.

My student body card, my library card, my learner's permit,

my traffic ticket, my keys.

- Keys to your apartment. - My apartment,

your apartment, the front door.

- You know what this means, Muriel?

There's a naked maniac running around out there with the keys

to our lives.

- You know, I should have chased him.

- Oh, no, no, no, you shouldn't have.

What if he'd turned on you and pulled a gun?

- Well, then I would have used karate.

- You know karate.

- Are you kidding? Watch this.

(screams)

- Well, go on.

- Well, that's all I learned.

- Henry? - I'm in here, Muriel,

putting this chain on the door.

(knocking)

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, weren't you able to get hold of the locksmith?

- The earliest I can get

anyone up here is a week from Friday.

I don't understand, I thought there was a recession.

- There is, but there's also a crime wave.

- Yes, well, this will do the trick.

I've got one for the door upstairs,

and this is for the front door.

(phone ringing) - Oh, that's our phone.

- How's it going, Dad?

- Almost finished.

You and Jackie can sleep safe tonight, knowing that once

you latch this door, nobody will get into

this apartment with or without a key.

- I hope it's on tight, those chains pull right out

if you open the door hard. - Not this one.

I used extra long screws. - Henry!

Henry, that-- what are those screws doing

sticking out through the wall?

- I'll fix it.

Who is that on the phone?

- Oh, that was Arthur Wainwright's Secretary.

Mr. Wainwright's on his way over to see you.

- He's coming here? today?

But it's Saturday.

- Apparently he works seven days a week.

- He's coming to fire me.

Well...

it's alright, I'll just tell him what he can do with his job.

I'll pull no punches. I'll talk to him

man to man, face to face, one on one.

Muriel, what should I wear?

How do I look?

- You look terrific.

- I don't want to hear that I look terrific.

I want to know if I look 51.

- No, no, you don't.

- Thanks.

How old do I look?

- 50.

Oh, Henry, you were prematurely gray.

You looked 50 when you were 30.

That's one of the reasons my father liked you so much.

You looked older than him.

- Thanks, I really needed that.

You think I might look younger in a bow tie?

- Probably.

And one of those little beanies

with a propeller on top wouldn't hurt.

- You're not helping, Muriel.

- Because you don't need any help.

There's nothing wrong with being 51.

- Well...

- Especially your kind of 51.

You'll pardon the cliche, but you're not getting older.

You're getting better.

- You really think so?

- I know so.

- Yeah.

Yeah, there are a lot of young artists

that can't do the job that I can do.

- I wasn't talking about your work, Henry.

- Ohh... (chuckles)

- Oh, you.

(doorbell rings)

(groans)

I'll get that, you just stand there

and look young.

- I beg your pardon.

Is this the residence of a Mr. Henry Rush?

- Yes, it is. Henry?

- I'm Henry Rush.

- Mr. Arthur Wainwright is here to see you.

I'll wait in the car, sir.

- Don't just wait in the car,

Loomis, wax it.

- Won't you come in, Mr. Wainwright?

- Uh-huh.

Mmm.

So, you're Henry Rush.

- Yes, I am.

- Do you have any idea why I'm here to see you, Rush?

- Yes, I think so.

I'm 51 and you're up to your Rs.

- I beg your pardon.

- Well, you fired Hank Quinlan.

That brings you to the Rs.

Apparently I'm next.

- Oh, I see, yes.

Your husband doesn't hesitate to speak his mind,

does he, Mrs. Rush?

- No, and that's what we like about him.

We're keeping him.

- Well, I don't hesitate to speak my mind either, Rush.

Frankly, I think your strip is out of date with the times.

I think your style is too old fashioned

to attract young readers.

- I disagree.

I think "Cosmic Cow" has been popular with the kids

for many years, I see no reason to change.

- Well, I do, Rush, because children have changed.

They're more sophisticated today.

They're more aware. 20 years ago,

kids didn't know the meaning of words like

environmental impact,

nuclear reactor, child support.

- But they're also young and impressionable.

They must learn to be taught values like

honesty, integrity, and courage.

I believe it's important that they relate to a hero

like Cosmic Cow who's constantly striving against overwhelming

odds to fight the forces of evil and injustice,

not only on this planet but throughout the universe.

- That kind of rah-rah rhetoric

belongs on the back of a cereal box.

- Where do you think I got it?

- No one has ever stood up to me the way you do, Rush.

I find you bold, forceful, a man of conviction,

three qualities I despise and an employee.

Rush, I think you and I should sit down now and have

a long, long talk about your future.

- I don't think so.

It'll have to wait till Monday.

- Don't push it, Rush.

I'm talking careers here.

- And I'm talking family.

My family's wellbeing has precedence over everything else.

- This isn't from another cereal box, is it, Rush?

- No, this is from me.

My daughter's purse was stolen yesterday,

and whoever took it has the keys to this house.

Unless those locks are changed, my family won't be safe.

- Perhaps I could be of some service

in helping you solve this crime.

- You? - Yeah, are you familiar

with a magazine we publish called "Intrepid Detective?"

- No. - Well, I oversee

every issue of that magazine.

Ever since I was a little boy,

I've been fascinated by crime and the science of detection.

Mrs. Rush, perhaps you could describe for me

the contents of your daughter's purse.

- Well, there was the keys,

the keys of the house, her library card,

her student body card, and two tickets to "O'Calcutta".

- Uh-huh.

Well, I saw that show.

She's lucky her purse was stolen.

When were these tickets for?

- For tonight? - Tonight.

Ah-ha! That means whoever stole the purse

may use those tickets to see the play.

- Do you really think anyone would be dumb enough to snatch

a purse and then use the tickets?

- But you're missing the point, Rush.

You see, criminals are dumb.

That's why they always get caught.

Wasn't that Dillinger's mistake, going to the theater?

- It was also Lincoln's.

- It doesn't apply here, Muriel.

Lincoln wasn't a crook.

- We don't know that, Rush.

He never finished his term.

Come on, enough talk.

The play has started, let's go!

All right, check with your daughter.

Find out what seats those tickets were for.

I'll have my chauffeur bring the limousine around.

And hurry, man. The game's afoot.

- Oh, hi, Dad.

How'd it go with Wainwright? - I can't talk now.

I've got to go downtown with him.

The tickets to "O'Calcutta."

Do you remember the seat numbers?

- No, Sara picked them up.

Sara, those theater tickets.

What were the seat numbers?

(Sara) Uh, 12 and 14 in row K, why?

- Yeah, why?

- I can't explain now. Sherlock is waiting.

The game's afoot.

(knocking)

(Muriel) Girls?

- Coming, Mom.

Hi, Mom. - Hello.

I have some food left over.

Did you girls have your dinner yet?

- Jackie did, but I'm on a very strict diet.

What is it?

- Lasagna.

- Oh, good.

That's on my diet.

- Where'd Dad go in such a hurry before?

- Oh, Mr. Wainwright thinks that whoever stole Sarah's purse

might use the tickets to go see "O'Calcutta" tonight.

- I don't think so, tonight's performance was sold out.

Those tickets I bought were for this afternoon's performance.

- Oh, no.

They're going to have two innocent people arrested.

- I hope you know what you're doing, Mr. Wainwright.

Frankly, I don't feel right about this.

- Trust me. Trust me, Rush,

when that manager brings the two people

sitting in those seats out here, one of them will be the thief

that stole your daughter's purse.

Ah!

- This is intolerable.

I'm missing the play.

- I demand an explanation.

- I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience.

These gentlemen will explain.

- Where did you get the tickets to this play, sir?

- Who are you?

- Never mind. Just answer the question.

- I don't know. My wife bought them.

- Mmm. Madam, where did you get the tickets to this play?

- My husband bought them.

- (chuckles)

Can't even get their stories straight.

- Excuse us. Mr. Wainwright,

Mr. Wainwright,

I really think we're making a mistake.

That man looks too well dressed to be a purse snatcher.

- Rush, you're forgetting one thing.

If you steal enough purses,

you can afford to dress like that.

Sir, I submit to you that

your entire story is a tissue of lies.

I suggest you confess now.

- Confess? To what?

- We know that you're the pervert that accosted

this man's daughter in front of this very theater,

that you distracted her by exposing your all

and then running off with her purse.

- What? - Have you been aware

that your husband is prone to these pranks, Madam?

- He is not my husband.

- He's not?

- No, he just happened to be seated next to me.

My husband's still inside.

- And where is your wife, sir?

- In Washington.

She's a federal judge.

- (stammering)

(coughing)

- Your wife is a federal judge

and you do kinky things like that?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Gwen, you're missing the play.

What's going on here? - It's all a mistake.

They think I'm this pervert's wife.

- Who does?

- These two idiots.

I'm suing you and this theater.

If we get sued, we're suing you.

- And if you sue me, sir...

- Pardon me, Mr. Wainwright,

will you be much longer?

There's a police officer outside threatening to write

a citation if I don't move the limo.

- Good. Loomis, bring that officer in here,

I want this man under arrest.

And I'm suing you two. You're insane, you know that?

- Oh, yeah? - Are you gonna move

that limo or not?

- Officer, arrest this man.

- You do and I'll sue you

and the entire police force in San Francisco.

- You're gonna have quite a legal bill.

- Don't worry about it, I'm an attorney.

- Officer, cuff this man...

(overlapping arguing)

(arguing continues)

- Get your hands off that woman!

(arguing continues)

- Oh, I can't fall asleep.

I'm worried. - So am I.

They should have been home hours ago.

- I don't like Mom and Dad not being home while some nut is

wandering around this town with a key to our...

(door rattling)

We forgot the chain.

- Don't go near the door.

(ding)

- Did you hear that?

- Monroe, what are you doing here?

You scared us to death.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

- Why didn't you ring the doorbell?

- Well, it was late and I didn't want to disturb you guys,

so I thought I'd let myself in with the key.

- Where did you get the key to our apartment?

- Oh, I found your purse.

- Where?

- Well, I remember reading in a magazine once,

I think it was "Intrepid Detective," that purse snatchers

usually discard the purse as quickly as possible.

So I went and checked the alley next to the theater.

And sure enough, there it was, lying to the trash bin

just as big as day.

- Why didn't you call us and tell us?

Well, I was going to use the phone in the theater lobby,

but there was all this big commotion going on.

You know, lots of people and cops

and squad cars and everything.

- (groans) - Just sit down, just sit down.

- Mom, Dad, where have you been?

- In jail. - What?

- Dad, what happened to your eye?

- Nothing, just get some ice and put some clothes on.

- What were you doing in jail?

- Oh, it's a long story.

I still don't see why that woman hit you with her purse.

- Because I swung at her husband.

- But you hit the cop.

- Her husband ducked.

- Where was Mr. Wainwright during all of this?

- Oh, he was there pointing out to his chauffeur

the people he wanted punched out.

- Here's the ice. - Oh, good.

- Monroe, it's not for you.

It's for my father.

- I know, but I suddenly got this terrible headache.

- May I come in? - Oh, yes.

- There are four rather long screws

protruding through your... door.

I was driving my chauffeur home.

Poor man, I think his hand's busted.

Suddenly, it occurred to me I had to come back here.

Rush...

Oh, tsk tsk tsk, magenta.

Rush, I have something to say to you,

and I have to say it now.

Thanks.

- For what?

- For sticking up for me tonight.

When that woman's husband called me an asinine gutless excuse

for a man and you took a swing at him,

I was deeply touched.

No one's ever stood up for me before.

I'm grateful.

- Don't mention it.

- And that young cop got exactly what he deserved.

He was rude, disrespectful, and abrasive.

- I agree.

An older policeman...

An older policeman, one with more experience could have

avoided the whole unpleasantness.

Sometimes maturity can be a definite asset.

- Good point, Rush.

See you Monday. - Monday.

(music and applause)

**