Original subtitles

(theme music)

**

(upbeat music)

- Not so loud.

- Didn't the bicarbonate help?

- Uh-uh.

You know, I can't understand it.

I only had one drink.

What did you put in that punch?

- Champagne and the usual.

- What's the usual?

- Vodka, sangria, rum, cooking sherry and maple syrup.

(Jackie sighing)

- Maple syrup?

I don't even put maple syrup on pancakes.

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi, can I help you?

- Oh, yeah, I'm in the right place.

This is his taste, all right.

Art people.

- I beg your pardon, who are you?

- Mildred Rafkin.

My brother used to live here.

- Oh... well, how do you do?

I'm Jackie Rush.

- Good luck.

- And this is my sister, Sara.

- Congratulations. - Pleased to meet you.

- Garbage, pure garbage.

- We were very sorry about your brother's passing.

- Oh, thank you.

I was in Europe when it happened.

Did he suffer much?

- He died in his sleep.

- I would've preferred a little suffering.

He was a cheap, selfish,

inconsiderate, rotten human being.

May he rest in peace.

Well, I'm his sole living relative,

so I've come to claim his things.

Where are they?

- Um, Ms. Rafkin, before you collect his things,

there's something I think you should know about your brother.

- What, that he was a transvestite?

What else is new?

- You knew that?

- Since he was eight.

It started when I came home from school one day

and found him wearing my training bra.

Then it was my tutu, then my prom dress.

You know, the saddest thing for him was

that he never got married.

He was gonna wear my mother's wedding gown.

He loved that dress.

- He was buried in it.

- May he rest in peace.

Get out of my way.

Oh, my God, his taste never improved.

Who would wear such tacky clothes?

- I would, they're mine.

- They're yours?

- Yes, and I think you should apologize to my sister.

- She wears clothes like this and I should apologize?

Where are Neville's things?

- We have everything stored in the attic--

his dresses, cosmetics, hair curlers, Lip Quencher.

- You get them all down here for when the men come

to pick up the furniture.

- You're taking the furniture?

- Who else is gonna take it?

I'm the heiress.

All this garbage belongs to me.

Huh...

That's the story of my life.

I could've had Einstein for a brother,

Jonas Salk,

Martin Luther King I could have had...

No, him I couldn't have.

He wasn't Jewish.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

- Dad, we've got big problems.

- Rafkin's sister showed up.

She came to claim all his things.

- She's gonna take our furniture.

- She's coming on Tuesday with the moving men.

- Do we know these people?

- I think they're our tenants from downstairs.

- Dad, you're not listening.

Rafkin's sister is gonna take away all our furniture.

- What?!

You mean she's gonna take away all that cheap,

gaudy, ostentatious junk?

- Yes.

- Henry, can a person just appear out of nowhere

and claim ownership of a deceased relative's belongings?

- Absolutely not.

- She's his only surviving relative.

- Well, she gets everything.

- Then we won't have any furniture.

- It's the law, Sara, you can't break the law.

- Unless you're in Congress.

- We can't just let her come in and take the furniture.

We don't even know if she's really Rafkin's sister.

- But she knew where he lived, she knew everything about him,

she hated his guts.

She had to be a relative.

- Okay, then if she is his sister,

we're gonna be without furniture.

- Oh, then where do we sit, where do we eat,

where do I do my homework?

(Henry shouting)

- Just-- just calm down.

All right... all right, she shows up next Tuesday,

I'll... I'll offer to buy the furniture.

Yes, I'll put on the charm.

I'll be witty, debonair, sophisticated, irresistible.

(Henry chuckling)

By the time I'm through charming her,

she'll practically give us the furniture.

(doorbell ringing)

(Henry clearing throat)

- I've come for the furniture.

- Mr. Rafkin!

Oh, forgive me, excuse me,

but the resemblance is amazing.

If your brother hadn't passed away,

I'd swear-- I mean, you look exactly like him.

- Oh, that's because I'm wearing one of his dresses.

- I'm Henry Rush. - Hooray.

- And you're Rafkin's sister?

- Sole heir and beneficiary.

- I notice you retained the family name.

Apparently, you never married.

- Never wanted it, never needed it.

I bought a condo instead.

- You know, I find it difficult to believe that a woman of your

obvious beauty and magnetism

has never been spoken for.

- I'm lucky I was spoken to.

- And wit, wit!

How I adore wit.

(Henry chuckling)

- If I didn't have a sense of humor,

would I be taking this furniture?

- My sentiments exactly.

I'm amazed why you'd want to burden yourself

with the removal of this-- this tawdry, tacky,

dilapidated, scuzzy furniture.

(Henry chuckling)

I mean, a woman of your

obvious discernment and sophistication...

(Henry chuckling)

- And now may I pay you a compliment, Mr. Rush?

(Henry chuckling)

Never before have I seen such a remarkable combination

of charm and klutz.

Okay, fellas... come on in, move it.

- Um, Ms. Rafkin, you don't want this terrible furniture.

What would you do with it?

- I'm gonna sell it. - To who?

- Are you kidding?

People with bad taste are born every second.

And in Los Angeles, even more often than not.

Start with the sofa.

- Uh, the-- hold it, hold it.

Ms. Rafkin, I rented this apartment to my daughters.

I mean, if you take this furniture,

they'll have nothing left.

- $700.

- What?

What's it?

Se-se-se-se-se-se-- $700?

For this-- for this junk?

- Take it away.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

I'll go for 250.

- You might as well know that under $600 I'm deaf.

- 275.

- And blind.

I have no idea whom I'm talking to.

Take it away.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

All right.

I'll give you $300, but only because you're handicapped.

- Well, if it really means that much to you,

if you really want this furniture for your daughters,

whom I've met--

and very sweet, charming girls they are--

ah, $800.

- We started at 700.

You're-- you're not supposed to go up.

- What do you want from me?

While we're standing here and talking,

they're becoming antiques.

- Take it away.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, it's so barren.

- It's an improvement.

Here, take these.

(Henry groaning)

Well, this isn't much.

It'll hold 'em for a while, it's better than nothing.

- That's all we had when we got started.

(Jackie sighing)

- I see the charm didn't work.

- Gave it my best shot, girls, but that woman was impossible.

She made me reevaluate my stand on capital punishment.

- How are we supposed to live without furniture?

- That's why we gave you our bridge table and chairs.

- Loaned them.

- This will never do.

We're having ten people for dinner Saturday night.

Including us, that's six people per chair.

- You know, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Now, your mother and I brought this table and chairs down here

and instead of appreciating it, you're just standing there,

griping about it.

- I don't wanna lay any heavy stuff on you, Dad,

but as the landlord, it is your obligation

to refurnish this apartment.

(Henry chuckling)

- Are you-- do you really think that I'm gonna--

I mean, you can't think that I'm-- I mean...

Muriel, don't just stand there, chime in with something.

- I don't think I ought to get involved with this one.

- Your opinion is just as important as mine.

- Maybe we should furnish it.

- You're right, don't get involved.

- Wait a minute, I have a thought.

Jackie, let me talk to you.

- Ah... this is gonna cost me, I can feel it.

- Okay, how much did you offer Ms. Rafkin for the furniture?

- $300, why?

- We'll take it. - Told ya.

- What do you mean, you'll take it?

- We use it for a down payment on new living room furniture

and we'll finance the rest.

(Henry chuckling)

- How are you going to finance the rest?

You barely make your own rent now.

- Yes, but we won't have that problem after you lower it.

- Who are they talking to?

- Dad, it's only fair.

Up until now, we have been paying for furnished apartment.

You can't charge the same rent if it's unfurnished.

- They're tough.

- Okay... okay, I'll give you the $300

I was gonna give Rafkin's sister...

but don't expect me to lower the rent.

- Dad, we can't afford to pay the same rent

and furnish the apartment.

- Fine, then move back upstairs into your old room.

- We don't wanna move back upstairs.

- Well, I really don't see any other alternative.

- Well, we do.

We'll find an apartment somewhere else.

- Yeah, one that's furnished.

- Come on, Sara, let's buy the evening paper

and look at the ads.

- Okay, you can forget about the threat.

I know you both too well

and they're not gonna work this time--

the pouting, the melodramatics, the guilt trips.

You can drop them all because I'm not buying it!

I've been your father too long and I'm wise to all your tricks!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- They mean it, Henry. - I know.

(upbeat music)

- Muriel.

What are you doing home?

I thought you had a photo session this afternoon.

- Ugh... I couldn't work.

Every time I looked through the view finder,

all I saw was Sara and Jackie moving out.

- Oh, Muriel, believe me.

Once they go out there and look around,

see what there is for rent and the prices they're asking,

they'll appreciate the bargain they've got right here.

Even without the furniture.

- Hmm, you really think so?

- Mark my words, Muriel. - Oh...

- Just let 'em go out there and look around

for a few more days.

They're not going anywhere.

(Jackie) - Anybody home?

- Oh, boy, are we pooped.

- Whoo, you wouldn't believe the crummy

places we've looked at.

- And the astronomical prices they're asking.

- We were really lucky we found something.

- What?

What, you-- you-- you found?

- We're moving Saturday.

- You found something you could afford?

- It's only $175 a month.

- Where did you find an apartment for

$175 a month in San Francisco?

- In Old Town.

- Old Town? But that's across the bridge!

Why so far?

- Well, that's where we found the only place we could afford.

- Oh, girls... Old Town is a very high-crime area.

In fact, in some places there they won't even let you move in

unless you have proof that you lived in New York City first.

- You don't have to worry, Mom.

We're in a very nice neighborhood.

- And we're in a security building.

- For $175 a month, I find that hard to believe.

- We got really lucky, it was a sublet.

This man had to give up his apartment.

- Why?

- Well, he had a three-year lease

and got a seven-year sentence.

- Wha-wha- what? You mean he's...

- Uh, it's not as bad as it sounds, Dad.

It was a white collar crime.

- What do you mean, a white collar crime?

What did he do, murder a priest?

- No.

It had something to do with the stock market.

Don't worry about us, we'll be fine.

Come on, Sara, we have packing to do.

- See you later.

- Oh...

- Muriel, I don't-- I don't like them living that far away.

We'll never know what they're up to.

- Well, we keep talking about letting them

lead their own lives.

We're finally doing it.

- We're not doing it, they're doing it.

If we were doing it, we wouldn't be doing it.

- I guess it's the next step to breaking away.

First they moved downstairs,

now they're moving out of the building.

Eventually, they may move to another state.

Who knows?

Some day they could even move to Europe.

- How do parents do it?

How-- how do they survive?

- We have to learn to let go.

(Henry sighing)

We have to place Jackie and Sara in God's hands.

- Are you crazy? I wouldn't do that to him.

- Her.

(upbeat music)

(siren blaring)

- Oh...

(siren blaring continues)

- Again?! That's the tenth one today!

- Well, it's encouraging.

Crime rate's going down.

- (Sara sighing) - (knocking)

(Sara gasping)

- Turn on-- turn on the dog.

(recording of dog growling)

- Down, Thor! Easy, big fella!

Who is it?

(Henry) - It's Mom and Dad!

- Yeah, try again, creep.

Our parents wouldn't be found dead in this neighborhood.

(Henry) - That's the only way anyone gets found in this neighborhood!

- It is Dad.

- Oh, no!

What are they doing here?

Mom, Dad, what a surprise.

What are you doing here?

- What are we doing here, what are you doing here

in this building, in this neighborhood?

- Oh, it's not as bad as it looks, Dad.

We find it very charming.

- Charming?

I don't find anything charming about a place where

the only cultural activity is staying alive.

- What's the bat for?

- Oh, this, uh... - Uh...

- Our building's organizing a softball team.

- Sure.

(recording of dog barking)

- Oh, there, there.

We're gonna be good friends, aren't we, boy?

- This is the security building you're talking about, hmm?

What does the landlord do, take the nail out of the window

so you can open it to yell "help"?

- Dad, you're not being fair.

Give us a chance.

It'll look really nice when we're finished decorating.

- You mean you started?

- What did you bring us?

- Uh, this-- this is not for you.

- Your father was nervous about parking in this neighborhood.

- Dad, there was no need for this.

The police cars go by here every few minutes.

- I know, I saw one.

His hubcaps were missing.

- Why don't you make yourselves comfortable?

I'll-- I'll put on some coffee.

- Oh, let me help you, dear.

(Muriel sighing)

(pipe rattling)

My goodness, look at that.

- Look, it's clearing up.

- I think we'll pass.

- I can't believe our daughters moved into this neighborhood.

(knocking)

- Must be the softball coach.

- I'll get it.

Give me that.

- I, uh, come to make the drop.

- Drop?

What-- what drop? What are you talking about?

- The score, man. You got the bread?

- What?

What-- what bread?

- Hey, man, you don't have any bread, you don't make the score.

- I'll handle it, Dad.

I think you're looking for the former tenant.

We're new here, we just moved in.

- Oh, well, you-- would you like to open an account?

- Definitely no.

- That's too bad.

The old guy here would make a great front.

- Get out, get out!

And don't step foot in this building again!

- Well, I have to, I own it.

- Now, Dad, don't start overreacting.

You don't see Mom overreacting.

- It's hard to overreact when

you're in the middle of passing out.

- Okay... that's it.

We're going home, all of us.

- Dad, we are home, we live here now.

- Not every neighborhood has to be quiet and respectable.

(siren blaring in the distance)

I think we're gonna like living here.

It's exciting.

It has tempo, it has pulse.

It's what life's all about.

(siren blaring in the distance)

- Don't worry about us, we'll take care of each other.

(siren blaring in the distance)

- Hmm, I guess there's nothing more to say.

But if you should change your minds

and wanna come home...

remember, the door's always open.

- Bye, sweetie. - Bye.

(Muriel whispering)

- Ah-ha.

I want you to call every night.

- On what?

- You don't have a telephone?

What if there's an emergency?

- We go to the people across the hall.

- Oh, good, they have a phone.

- They have lots of phones, they're bookmakers.

(upbeat music)

- Well, well, well, what brings you back to civilization?

- You forgot your hubcaps.

- Is that where they were?

I'd already reported them stolen.

- Well, as long as we're here, we may as well go up

and say hi to Mom.

- Oh, your mother's not home but let's go up

and have a cup of coffee anyway.

- Oh, no, thanks, Dad, we have a lot of things to do.

(Henry) - Oh...

- Well, bye, take care.

Dad, we wanna come home.

- Where home, here home?

- We honestly felt that we had rented Rafkin's apartment

furnished and the only way to make the point

was to move out.

We were wrong and foolish.

- We'll live with the card table and chairs.

It's fine.

- Oh, I wish you told me that yesterday.

- Why?

You haven't rented our apartment, have you?

- I'm afraid so.

Yes, as a matter of fact, the tenants

have already moved their things in.

Would you like to see the furniture?

I-- I think you'll like it.

(Henry chuckling)

- Our furniture!

- You bought it back from Rafkin's sister.

Oh, Dad!

- Girls, what are you doing here?

- They're home, Muriel.

- Ah-ha-ha!

- They slipped across the Old Town border

and made good their escape.

(Henry chuckling)

- What's the furniture doing here?

- We came to tell you and Dad we wanna come home.

- On their own, Muriel,

before they knew I bought the furniture.

(Sara and Jackie laughing)

- When did you do that?

- Uh, this morning.

I was intending to bribe them back with it.

- How much did you pay for it?

- Well, I first offered her $400 but while I was there

somebody called on the phone and offered 500,

so I had to go up to 550 to get it.

- Oh, I wished you told me.

- Well, I-- I wanted it to be a surprise.

- I should've said something to you.

- What do you mean?

- I was the woman on the phone.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)