Original subtitles

(theme music)

**

- Hi. - Hi.

- Okay, come on.

It's alright.

Come on, now. Come on in.

- Oh, no, Sara, you did it again,

you brought home a stray puppy.

Well, I was close.

- This is Monroe Ficus.

Monroe, this is my sister, Jackie.

- Hi. - Come on in.

- No, I'll just wait in your hallway.

You have a lovely hallway.

- He's very shy.

- Where did you find him? - He's a student.

I defended him from some girl in the cafeteria.

She called him a wishy washy doormat

and a spineless jellyfish.

- Who was she? - My fiance.

- Won't you please come in?

- No, I'll just get in the way.

- You're in the way now.

I want to close the door,

but I don't want to close it in your face.

- Oh, I don't mind. Everyone shuts the door

in my face, it's okay.

- You see why I had to defend him?

Excuse us, Monroe, just a sec.

What're we gonna do now? - What do you mean we?

You're the one who brought him home.

- I didn't exactly bring him home.

He followed me.

- Sara, it's the old story.

You're never able to say no and really mean it.

You're afraid to assert yourself.

You're overly concerned with people's feelings.

- Oh, that is not true.

- I'll talk to him. - What are you going to say?

- Don't worry, I'll be diplomatic.

Monroe,

just because a girl shows you a little attention doesn't mean

she wants to strike up a meaningful relationship

or enter into any kind of emotional commitment,

no matter what "Cosmopolitan" says.

- Oh, say no more. I got the message, yeah.

- Good.

- I guess I've always been better at getting men,

and you've always been better at getting rid of them.

(knocking at door) But not this time.

- I can't believe him.

How many times do I have to say--

Hi, Dad.

Wow, you look sensational.

- I thought I'd wear this Saturday night

when we go out to celebrate our anniversary.

What do you think? - Looks great.

Did you rent it? - Oh, no, no.

I bought this 13 years ago

when the Cartoonists Guild had the award dinner.

"Cosmic Cow" was nominated

for the best children's cartoon of the year.

- I never knew that. Did you win?

- No, the Guild felt that that "Cosmic Cow" didn't have

the educational and cerebral qualities worthy of the award.

- So who'd they give it to?

- Arnold the Aardvark.

What do you think? Think it fits?

- Yeah, I think it makes you look very sophisticated.

- Well, a tuxedo does that for a man,

gives him an air of elegance, dignity.

Turns every man into a David Niven.

I should have said Gerald Ford.

I should also know by now not to trust your furniture.

- Dad, you're going to look terrific on Saturday night.

Where are we going for dinner?

- Well, nowhere yet, but we are on the waiting list

at the Versailles,

the Chez Louis, Chateau Pierre,

and the International House of Pancakes.

- I don't think Mom cares that much where we eat

as long as we're all together.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is our 24th wedding anniversary.

There aren't many people today who stay married 24 years.

- You know, that's longer than

Jackie and I have been alive.

- Yes, it's supposed to work that way.

I found the restaurant

that is the ultimate dining of the entire Bay Area

and this is where we're celebrating our anniversary.

Maison Lafitte.

- Maison Lafitte? - Uh-huh.

- Oh, you'll never get in there.

I mean, if you really wanted to spend our 24th anniversary

at Maison Lafitte, you should have made

a reservation the night we got married.

- I couldn't. I was busy.

This is worth a try.

- You'll never get in.

- Dollar says I do.

- (chuckles) You're on.

- Good afternoon.

I'd like to reserve a table for four this Saturday night.

We're celebrating our wedding anniversary

and the Maison Lafitte is my wife's favorite restaurant.

Wonderful.

11:30?

Our anniversary will be over before the salad comes.

Look, we're celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary.

You're a Frenchman, where's your sense of romance?

Mmm.

- What'd he say?

- He said to a Frenchman,

living with the same woman for 24 years isn't romantic.

- That's because he hasn't lived with me.

Oh, honey, call Humberto's.

We can always get in there.

We're going to Maison Lafitte

or we're not going at all.

- $2 says we're not going at all.

- You're on.

(speaking gruffly) Hello, Maison Lafitte.

This is Dr. Henry Rush, MD.

I like to reserve a table for four this Saturday night.

No, no, no, no, 8:30 would be a bit inconvenient.

I prefer 08:00.

I have surgery at midnight,

and I never operate on a full stomach.

Excellent. Thank you.

This will go very nicely for the cocktails.

- Do me a favor.

Don't say hello to strange people.

Don't get involved in the problem.

Stop being nice.

Come in, Monroe.

- I don't mind waiting in the hallway.

- Get in here!

- Hi.

Where did you find him?

- He came to the bank to tell me how grateful he was because

I took the time yesterday to explain about

meaningful relationships.

- Oh, that was so thoughtful.

- He wrote it in a thank you note

and slipped it to me across the counter.

The teller next to me thought it was a hold up

and stepped on the silent alarm.

- The police were there in five minutes.

They handcuffed me and read me my rights

then roughed me up.

Boy, it's comforting to know

they don't just do it to minorities.

- Excuse us, Monroe.

I've had enough for Monroe.

You get rid of him this time.

- Oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He's so gentle, so well meaning.

You know, there aren't many people like him

left in the world.

Monroe, we'd love to talk to you,

but our parents are expecting us for dinner.

- Oh, thanks, but I couldn't.

- Not you, Monroe, us.

- Oh! Oh, sure.

Go right ahead.

Um, goodnight. Goodnight.

(knocking on door)

- The closet...

Goodnight

- Mom, Dad, we're here.

- Hi.

- Monroe, what are you doing here?

And why are you in my father's robe?

- Well, your mother's didn't fit.

- Hi.

- Mom, how'd he get in here?

- Oh, Monroe?

Well, he was standing by the curb as I pulled in,

and there was this big puddle.

- It was my fault.

I shouldn't have been standing there.

- So he said he was a friend of yours, so I insisted he come up

while I put his clothes in the washer.

I had to force him to put on your father's robe.

He wanted to stand in the hallway in his underwear.

- Jackie, Sara.

Monroe.

You're still here?

- His clothes aren't dry yet.

- Well, you might as well stay for dinner.

- No, thanks. I couldn't impose.

- Why break a trend? - There's plenty of food.

- No, really, I wouldn't feel right.

- It's okay, really.

- Maybe you'd rather eat in the hall.

- No, no, no, I'll just watch you folks eat.

(Henry sighs)

You can sit down, can't you?

- Oh, yeah, thanks.

- Tell us a little bit about yourself, Monroe?

- I'm 5'10", I weigh 165 pounds.

I'm a communications major at San Francisco State.

I deliver newspapers in the morning and I perform

occasionally as a street singer at night.

and I really enjoy-- - I said "a little", Monroe.

- Oh. - Won't you change your mind

and have some dinner?

- I'm just enjoying myself

watching all of you enjoy yourself.

This is fun.

Besides, I don't eat chicken.

Not since I found out what they do to them.

- What do they do to them?

- Well, for starters, they keep them in cramped, isolation

little cages where they force feed them till they get

all bloated and swollen and just almost explode.

Then they're injected with synthetic chemicals

to give them more breast meat.

And then you know what they do to them?

They de-beak 'em!

Rip their beaks right off their little faces.

(Muriel clears throat)

- (breathy whistle)

- What is that, a wheeze or a whistle?

- It's high pitched panting.

- I cannot believe we've been married 24 years.

- Seems like only yesterday we were newlyweds,

kissing, hugging, fooling around.

- And we're gonna keep fooling around till we get it right.

- Ooh!

- I think we're a hit.

- What do we do for an encore?

- Nothing she can watch.

- I don't want to worry you, but has anybody heard from Sara?

- Sara isn't here?

And you haven't heard from her?

And you didn't want to worry us?

Well, you failed.

- You had no idea where she is?

(phone rings) - Oh, my God.

- She's been in an accident. - How do you know that?

- We're parents. We can tell by the ring.

(ringing continues)

- Somebody's got to answer it.

Hello?

Yeah, sure.

Just a second.

It's Monroe.

He wants to wish you a happy anniversary.

- Oh, good old Monroe.

Always there when we need him.

Hello, Monroe.

Thank you, Monroe.

Goodbye, Monroe.

Monroe, I can't talk now.

We've got a problem on our hands.

Call back later.

What do you mean you're only allowed one phone call?

You're in jail?

- In a cell or in the hallway outside?

- $200 bail.

Well, why call me? Why don't you call a friend?

Monroe, I can't be your only friend, we just met.

I'm sorry about your predicament,

but there's nothing I can do to help you,

I'm sorry, goodbye.

- Monroe in jail? What for?

- I don't know. I didn't want to get into it.

I want to keep that line clear

in case Sara's trying to reach us.

(phone rings) Don't touch it!

- Henry!

- Hello? Sara!

Where in the world have you been?

We've been driven crazy.

- Is she all right? - Where is she?

- Are you all right?

She's all right. - Oh, she's all right.

- Where is she? - Where is she?

- Where are you?

No, I won't get mad.

No, I won't hang up.

Sara, I promise I won't hang up.

Sara, just tell me where you are.

Why are you worried whether or not I'll hang up?

What do you mean you only allowed one phone call?

- Some way to spend an anniversary.

Bailing my daughter out of jail.

- I'm sorry, Dad.

- Sitting in a waiting room of a police station watching

two winos have a belch-off.

- What's the world coming to when they lock up poor students

for street singing?

- Unfortunately, the street was in a hospital zone.

- Actually, Mr. Rush, we weren't singing that loud.

I mean, what made all the noise were the bed pans

they threw down at me.

- Well, the evening isn't totally lost.

It's still your anniversary,

and we have food.

At least at Wong's Takeout, we didn't need a reservation.

- Yeah, and Dad didn't have to tell them he was a doctor.

- They seemed quite satisfied

with the fact that you're an acupuncturist.

(laughing)

- I have some wine in the refrigerator.

- Oh, I am going to go upstairs

and get the good wine glasses.

Oh, Monroe, come on in. Come on.

- Monroe, come sit down and eat.

- No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

I'll just watch.

- Oh, no, you don't!

You're going to sit down and eat with the rest of us.

And I don't want to hear what the Chinese do

with their egg foo young.

Sit here, right in this chair.

- Dad, you open the wine.

- Ah-ha, certainly.

- Excuse me, Sara.

May I use your restroom?

- Of course. It's right down the hall.

Are you sure it's okay? I mean, I could go down to

the gas station on the corner, if you don't want me--

- Will you go before it's too late?

- Aww!

We're going to use grandma's crystal?

Boy, you're really going first class, Mom.

- Well, I thought the occasion called for it.

I always remember Grandma only brought

these glasses out on very special occasions.

(door opens)

(door closes) - Ah, Monroe,

you're just in time for a toast.

- No, thanks, I'm not deserving of such an honor.

- This isn't for you.

It's for us, it's our anniversary.

- Oh, well, in that case, sure.

I don't usually drink.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.

- Dad, you make the toast.

- Muriel, this is for you.

May you live 1,000 years and I 1,000 less one day

that I may never know you passed away.

- I love you too.

- That was beautiful, Dad.

- Yeah, it's a lot more romantic

than over the lips, past the gums,

watch out stomach, here it comes.

- Will you drink your drink?

Oh, I'm starved, let's eat.

- Oh, gosh. I'm just so touched.

I've never been to an anniversary party before.

- What about your mother and father?

- Oh, well, they're not here anymore.

- Oh, that's so sad.

Not having a family.

Monroe, we want you to know that if you ever need anyone,

you can count on us.

- They moved to Miami.

- Drink your drink.

- Excuse me, may I propose a toast?

To my new family.

May you always be healthy and happy,

and may I always be welcome in your home.

- Very nice.

(glass shatters)

- I saw that in a movie once.

- We're going to be late for Sara and Monroe's hearing.

- Mmm.

- What time are we leaving?

- Uh, in 15 minutes.

Wh--Where's Monroe?

- I don't know. I haven't seen him.

- What do you mean, you haven't seen him?

He hasn't been in class for four days.

- D--Did you call him?

- Yes. There's no answer.

- W--Oh, I hope

he hasn't done something foolish like jump bail.

- Monroe? He's not the type.

- He's exactly the type.

Boy, talk about gratitude.

Take him into your home, treat him like one

of your own children, how does he repair you?

Treat you like one of your own children.

- That's not fair, Dad. You're jumping to conclusions.

- Conclusions? If he doesn't show up,

I'm going to forfeit the bail.

- Is that all you care about, money?

There are more important things than money.

We're talking about a human being.

- Not quite.

We're talking about Monroe.

Let this be a lesson to you.

this is what happens when you have too much faith

in people you don't really know.

- But you can't go through life not trusting anybody.

- And you can't go through life trusting everybody.

- Sara, honey, your father's right.

There are a lot of sleazy characters in this world just

waiting to take advantage of a naive, vulnerable girl like you.

- Monroe isn't like that.

I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities.

- Sara, if I believed that about everybody I met,

I'd be driving a Etsel.

Come on, let's go down to the court,

maybe we can postpone that hearing.

That boy doesn't have a brain in his head.

Does he know what it means to jump bail?

He'll be a fugitive from justice.

He'll have his picture on all the wanted posters.

Every cop in the country will be look...

...ing for you.

Where the hell have you been?

- I found him waiting in the hallway downstairs

as I was leaving for work.

- Monroe, we were worried. - Were you really?

I went to Bakersfield for four days.

- You can't spend four days in Bakersfield

unless you're in a coma.

- Well, I went to work so I could earn some money.

There's this little nightclub up there.

It's kind of a cowboy hangout.

- And you sang there? That's great.

- Well, not really.

Those audiences, they can get kind of rough.

- How awful, they did this to you after your performance?

- No, during.

But that's okay because--

because I made enough money to buy this.

- What is it? - It's for you, open it.

- (gasps) Oh, Monroe.

- They're not your grandmother's,

but they are old, and they are crystal.

They had to be somebody's grandmother's.

- Thank you. You are so sweet, Monroe.

- Monroe, I misjudged you.

You're a very special human being.

And I owe you an apology.

- So do I.

- Oh, that's okay.

- No, it isn't.

- Okay, Mr. Rush,

if it'll make you feel better, apologize.

- Monroe, will you accept my apology?

- It's not necessary.

**

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