Original subtitles

**

- I can't believe what I'm reading.

Robberies, rapes, murders.

- Well, that's why I never read the front page anymore.

It's the entertainment section.

I haven't gotten to the front page yet.

[audience laughs]

Crime is up.

Unemployment is up.

Threat of a transit strike.

- Cheer up Henry.

It's not the end of the world.

- End of the world. Section B page one.

[audience laughs]

- I wish you'd pay attention to local news for a change.

Now listen to this.

This happens every time that I turn the faucet on

in my dark room.

[pipes rattling]

You see?

When I turn the water on the pipes in the wall rattle.

- I'll-- I'll-- I'll look at it.

- I think we should call a plumber.

- Do you have any idea what a plumber costs?

They cost more than a doctor.

- They deserve it. They make house calls.

- I'll fix it, turn it on.

[pipes rattling]

Off!

On!

[pipes rattling]

Off!

Okay.

-Henry, you know what Edie Winkler does.

She gets workmen from that midtown rehabilitation center.

- What's that?

- Well, it's a place for ex-convicts.

They get them work as plumbers, carpenters,

all sorts of things.

- Forget it.

- Oh, I really think we should call the center

and give them a try.

- Muriel, this is no big deal.

It's probably a loose bracket that holds the pipe

fitting together came loose.

That's what causes the vibration.

I'll just poke a little hole in here in the wall

and voilá, vibration will be gone.

- I still think we should call the center.

- Let's see?

[hammering]

Yeah.

Just as I thought.

Hold the flashlight.

There it is.

[Henry laughs]

Yeah. All finished.

- What about the hole in the wall?

Well, I'll-- I'll plaster up.

In the meantime we'll hang a picture of it.

- Which picture?

- Remember that terrible still life

someone gave us for a wedding present.

- My mother.

- I didn't wanna mention names.

- Henry, you said that that picture was so ugly.

You wouldn't even use it to cover a hole in the wall

with it.

- It was before it's time. Now I will.

- I'll get it.

- Yeah, this ought to do it.

[crumbling down noise]

[audience laughs]

[Henry laughs forcibly]

- I'll get a bigger picture.

- Hi.

It wasn't your turn to do the shopping.

- This isn't food.

- Are you okay?

- I will be, if I haven't been followed.

- Jackie, are you ill?

Sit down. Let me have the bag.

- Don't touch it.

- You're acting weird.

I gonna go call mom.

- No, don't call mom.

I don't want her to know what's in this bag, she'll worry.

- Why, what's in the bag?

- A hundred thousand dollars in cash.

- You're right. I won't call mom.

- I'll call the doctor. - Sara!

- I'm not crazy.

There's a hundred thousand dollars in this bag.

Look.

[Sara gasps]

- Oh my God.

Jackie, why?

Why-- Why would you steal from your own bank?

- Are you nuts?

You-- You don't really think I stole this.

They told me to take it home.

- Come on, let's go up and see dad.

- If you'd open a newspaper, once in a while,

you know the armor car drivers are out on strike.

Mr. Ryan down at the bank, chose several of us

to make the regular money pickups.

I had to go to four different supermarkets,

pick up their cash and deliver it to the bank.

- Then what's it doing here?

- There was a big fight at the last market.

A woman tried to go through the 10 items express line

with 12 items.

Before the time I got out there, the bank vault was closed.

So I called Mr. Ryan and he said to take the money home

and to bring it back in the morning.

- Oh, you mean we don't get to keep any of it?

- I don't even want it temporarily.

I was a nervous wreck ever since I left the market.

I kept imagining everyone knew

there was a hundred thousand dollars in this bag

and I ran all the way home 22 blocks.

- Why didn't you take a taxi?

- I didn't have any money.

- Muriel, what time did you say that rehabilitation center

was sending over the plasterers?

- Oh, sometime this afternoon.

- Give me that.

- Oh, what are you doing?

- I'm gonna lock it up where it'll be safe.

Henry, these men are not convicts.

- They're ex-convicts. - I know that.

I just wanna remove temptation.

Give me your wedding ring.

- Oh, Henry, this ring has been on my finger for 24 years.

I don't think it'll come off.

- All right, come with me. - Where?

- I'm gonna lock you in a closet with the rest

of the valuables. - Henry--

- It'll only be for a couple of hours, Muriel.

I promise as soon as they're gone, I'll let you out.

[audience laughs]

- Henry, you're being paranoid.

- I'm not being paranoid.

I'm just afraid those ex-cons will pull a gun,

ties up with gags in our mouth.

It's steal everything in the place.

Don't accuse me of being paranoid.

[audience laughs]

- Okay, irrational - That I'll buy.

[audience laughs]

- Henry, these men are human beings

who somewhere along the line, made a mistake

and were punished for it.

They've paid their debt to society and it's

our responsibility to overlook what they've done

and give them another chance.

We did it for Nixon.

[audience laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- It must be them.

- Now try to be considerate.

- I will. I will.

- Mr. Rush? -Yes.

- We're from the rehabilitation center.

- Yes, yes, come in. We've been expecting you.

This is Mrs. Rush.

- I'm Whitey Cahill.

- How do you do it? - This is Sam Morton.

[audience laughs]

Cut that out, will you?

He likes to pull that gag.

He knows people have a thing about ex-cons

coming into their home.

So he-- He likes to put them on

[force laugh]

- Well, that's funny. That's funny.

- It's a good icebreaker.

[force laugh] It's an icebreaker.

- It never changes how uptight people get,

once they know you serve time.

- Really?

- But we understand.

I mean, it's hard for some people overlook the fact

that we broke the law.

So we have to forgive the fact that they feel that way.

Put them at ease.

That's a nice ring, Mrs. Rush.

[audience laughs]

- It won't come off.

- Come on, Sam. Let's get to work.

Where's the Job?

- It's in the kitchen. Follow me.

- Holy Mahalia. Was there an earthquake?

- Aw, we must have slept right through it.

- Uh, wasn't an earthquake just happens to be an old wall.

- Yes, we were doing some work on the pipes--

Oh, you should sue the yoyo, who did this?

- I'm afraid, I can't do that.

- You didn't have to pay.

- No, no, I didn't, but I do have to sleep with him.

[audience laughs]

- Well, uh, let's get started.

- Tell me, I don't mean to get personal--

- Armed robbery.

- Ah... I see.

And uh, and-- And how--

- He got two years. I got four.

- You held the gun?

No, he had the gun. I had the color.

[audience laughs]

- But we learned our lesson.

- Oh, good, you know what? It takes a person

of intelligence to recognize their mistakes.

Come on Henry. Let's let the men work.

-Yes. -Yeah.

- No more penny and stickers for us.

- What? What do you mean?

- Yeah, we were pretty stupid.

Imagine trying to hold up a taco stand at 8:30 in the morning.

They didn't even have any cash yet.

So we ended up with 130 tacos.

[audience laughs]

The smart guys. They wait for the one big score.

You know the kind where they make enough

to leave the country, go to Brazil,

change their name and be a nice respectable life.

[doorbell rings]

- I'll get it.

Muriel, I'll answer the door.

You stay in there and keep an eye on them.

- Henry, what are they gonna steal in the kitchen?

Meatloaf?

- They took Tacos. They'll take meatloaf.

- Go on, tell them!

Wait until you hear this.

Go ahead, Jackie. You not gonna believe this.

Well, go ahead. Go ahead, tell them.

- I will, as soon as there's an opening,

Mom, dad, The Brinks drivers are on strike.

- I know that I read the papers.

- There's more, the bank asks Jackie

to bring money home with her and keep it overnight.

- Why did they pick you?

- Well, they picked three of us,

three tellers who were very plain looking and unassuming.

- How dare they?

- Well, mom, it's because of the strike.

They had to figure out a way to get the money picked up

and delivered to the bank.

- Not that, how dare they call you plain looking?

- Muriel, that isn't important.

You tell them, no, it's too dangerous.

It's too risky.

- It's also too late. - What?

Well, I made the final pickup, but I couldn't get back

to the bank in time.

The money's in this bag.

- Oh, oh. Why didn't you say so?

How much is in here?

- A hundred thousand dollars.

- Ah-- ah--

Is everything all right in there?

Why don't you turn the radio up a little louder.

- There's no radio in here.

- I'll get you one

Downstairs. Downstairs.

Just go downstairs.

- Who were you talking to? -Listen to your dad--

- Shh! shh! I'll tell you downstairs.

-Come on, come on!

[audience laughs]

- All right, all right. Everybody be calm, be calm.

Now what we've gotta do is hide that money someplace

where, where nobody will find it.

In case somebody follow Jackie.

All right. Give me the bag.

- What do you mean? - The bag?

- Gimme the bag with the money. - I gave you the bag.

- I gave it to you upstairs.

- Ah-- Ah--

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

- Mr. Rush. - What?

[audience laughs]

Uh, about that radio?

-Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm about to get it right now.

What's in the bag you ask?

[audience laughs]

The bag, I'm gonna put the radio in.

Does that answer your question? [force laugh]

It's a very good question.

I'd ask that same question, if I saw a man,

with a bag, like--

[audience laugh]

Come on, come on, come on!

Open up, open up, open up!

Why did you open the door without knowing who it was?

[audience laughs]

- I knew who it was. I recognized your voice.

- How did you know it was my voice?

- Because it's been yelling at me for 21 years.

- It could have been someone imitating my voice.

A thief could have come in here and stole you blind.

- And he brought the money with him?

- We'll discuss it later.

Muriel I had a close call up there,

just as I reached for the bag, why he came out the door.

- But he doesn't know what's in the bag, does he?

- No, he thinks it's a radio. That's a good thing too.

You heard them talking about that one big score.

They do anything to get their hands on this money.

- Mr. Rush.

[screams]

- You really didn't have to pay us till a job is done, Mr. Rush.

[audience laughs]

[force laugh]

- It's not what you think it is.

He think it's real money.

[force laugh] No.

We were just about to play monopoly.

This is, you know, park place, boardwalk.

Go to jail.

[audience laughs]

- Uh, we're just going out to get some more plaster, Mr. Rush.

- We'll be back in an hour to finish the job.

[audience laughs]

- What do we do now? They saw the money.

We can't keep it here.

- We have to keep it here. I'm responsible for it.

I'll just have to hide it where nobody will find it.

- No, no, no, Jackie, we can't keep it down here.

We've gotta hide it someplace else.

I'll-- I'll hide it upstairs.

- Now just a second dad. This money's my responsibility.

- She's right, dear.

- Muriel, we're not talking about a few dollars.

We're talking about an enormous amount of money.

You let me handle this.

- Your father's right, darling.

- Why? Because he doesn't have confidence in me.

The bank did, they trusted me to bring it home.

The bank may have trusted you to bring it home,

but while you're under this roof

and while you're putting us all in danger,

the responsibility remains with the head of the household.

- Oh, Henry. Don't lay this on me.

[audience laughs]

- Are you through with your jokes, Muriel?

- If that's the kind of audience you're going to be, yes.

- Come on, let's go put that money in the bag.

- Come on. -Come quickly.

Don't rip any of it. There's some over there.

[upbeat music]

- Really? Jackie, I don't think it's a question

of your father not having confidence in you.

It's-- It's more a question of fear.

Yes, it comes from reading the newspaper every morning.

[audience laughs]

- But I think he's calmed down a little now that

the workmen have finished the job and left.

Yeah. Try to get some rest.

I love you.

- Okay. The windows are all locked.

Doors are all bolted.

And I left lights on in all the rooms.

- Oh good.

With the cost of electricity today the hundred thousand

should just about cover it.

- Who are you talking on the phone, Jackie?

Is she still angry with me?

No, she'll get over. In fact she'll thank me.

I've took extra precautions in hiding the money.

- Where did you hide it?

- I better not tell you Muriel.

In case they come back and resort the torture.

[audience laughs]

- Aren't you going to put your pajamas on?

- In the morning?

I wanna be prepared. You never know.

I might have to give chase.

- Well, in that case,

shouldn't you be sleeping in your jogging shoes.

- It's a good idea.

- I was kidding.

- No, no, no, still a good idea.

[car door noise]

What's that? Shh-- Turn off the lights.

- What is it? - I heard a car door.

It could be Whitey and Sam coming back to rob us.

There's a man standing out there

and he is wearing a trench coat.

- Well, it is raining.

- He's standing in front of Feldman's house.

Call the police.

- Oh, Henry really? - Call, call.

Turn off the lights. [audience laughs]

- Henry, the last time I tried to call the police in the dark

we had a pizza delivered at 2:30 in the morning.

Hello police, I would like to report a prowler--

- Hang up. It's Feldman.

Who's just going into his house-- Good night.

And good night, Henry.

- When is he gonna stop treating me like a child?

How dare he take away my responsibility?

- Well, it is an awful lot of money Jackie

and those men did see it.

- Sara, it's not the money. It's the principle.

If that's dad, you tell him I'm asleep.

I don't wanna talk to him.

- Hello?

Just a minute please. It's Mr. Ryan from the bank.

- Oh, hello? Mr. Ryan.

No, no problems whatsoever.

Oh yes, I have a hidden away in a very safe place.

Where? He wants to know where?

- Tell him you can't tell him.

Somebody could be holding a gun to his head,

forcing him to make this call like they did to James Garner

on the Rockford Files.

- I'm sorry, I can't divulge that, Mr. Ryan,

you could be making this call under duress.

- Or was it Robert Blake on Baretta?

- Yes, sir, I'll have their first thing in the morning

- Or Starsky on Starsky and Hutch.

Or was it Hutch?

- That really ticks me off.

You know, Mr. Ryan, a man I've only known for seven months.

He has complete confidence in me and my own father doesn't.

- Yeah, but don't forget. Dad's known you longer.

[audience laughs]

- Did you finish all those cookies?

- Yeah. - Good.

Maybe they go straight to your hips.

- Oh, good morning. Come on in.

- I just put the coffee on.

- Oh, I don't want any coffee, mom, I'm in a hurry.

- Well, I'm in a hurry too.

I'll just have juice in a couple of eggs.

- Henry, Jackie's here. - And Sarah.

- Jackie.

Jackie, in spite of what you think I want you to know

that I have the utmost of confidence in you.

It's just that this was an unusual situation

and it called for well-- Experience.

Unless you can think of a better word,

- I can, but I'd rather not say it.

Now, dad, I am running late. Where's the money?

- You're looking at it.

- You hid it in there. [Henry laughs]

Was on the nightstand next to your mother's bed all night.

A place so obvious.

No burglar would think to look.

- What a terrific idea.

- Well, I have to admit dad.

I never would've thought of that.

- Oh, Henry, you should have told me.

I think I blew my nose at a $100 bill during the night.

- Well, how'd you get the whole hundred thousand in there?

- I didn't, I didn't take any chances.

I split the money in half and hid them in two separate places.

- Where'd you hide the other half?

- Sara, would you go to the kitchen and get the flashlight?

- No, no, no, honey. It's in the hall closet.

- Where'd you hide the rest of the money in the attic?

- A-ha! On the contrary.

A thief would look for the obvious hiding place.

I opted for the obscure, box of tissue

and a super object, like a flashlight.

- You hid the money in the flashlight.

- Who never think to look inside a flashlight for money.

- Exactly, and the fact that it didn't work would mean

that the batteries were dead.

Why-- Why is it working?

It was working yesterday afternoon,

when I used to line the closet shelves.

- Where's the money. Where's the money.

I put the money in this flashlight.

Muriel, when did you go to the kitchen

to get the flashlight?

- I took it yesterday before the workmen arrived.

- Well that can't be, I put the money in the flashlight

when Sam and Whitey went from all plaster.

Oh my God, Henry, you put the money in their flashlight!

- I-- I put--

[audience laughs]

Dad!

You handed two ex-convicts. $50,000.

- They're probably in Brazil by now.

- What am I gonna tell Mr. Ryan? He'll think I stole the money.

Have me arrested.

- You're not going to get arrested.

It wasn't your fault.

I'm gonna talk to my lawyer. Irv Greenblatt.

- Henry, Irv Greenblatt's in jail.

- I know, but he's entitled to one call.

- He's entitled to one call out, not in.

Muriel, are you gonna get technical at a time like this?

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, come in. - Good morning.

- I believe this belongs to you.

- Oh. [gasps]

Oh! Thank You!

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- And I believe this belongs to you.

- Thank you.

See, we started a new job this morning and when I opened

a flashlight to find out why it wasn't working,

I realized it wasn't ours.

- Yeah, well, I'm just glad we didn't discover last night.

I wouldn't have been able to sleep, having that much

monopoly money around.

[audience laughs]

I can't tell you how-- How grateful we are,

but I can tell you how much I respect your honesty

and your integrity.

Well, thanks very much, Mr. Rush that, uh--

That makes us feel real good.

Come on Sam.

- Hey, uh, if I was you,

I wouldn't leave so much cash laying around.

No, I'd stash it somewhere safe, like uh--

Like a bank. [force laugh]

- Thank you.

Jackie, I owe you an apology.

- Oh, that's okay, dad.

- No, no, no, no.

I assumed that because of your age,

you couldn't handle responsibility.

Well, I was wrong.

As a matter of fact,

you probably could do a better job than I did.

Give me a little time, I'm still learning,

after all I've only been a father for 21 years.

[audience laughs and applauds]

[Too Close For Comfort theme]