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GREG: 'Back in 1981,

the whip-cracking, artefact-hunting
Indiana Jones

swung onto the big screen
and instantly became

the coolest and most cunning
archaeologist ever.'

MAISIE: 'Indy's five adventures
evading terrifying boobytraps
and outrunning boulders

have given us some of the most
iconic images in cinematic history.

But there's one big question:
would our hat-wearing hero

really have survived the film's
pitfalls like this in real life?'

'Well, we're gonna get some answers.

With super engineer Zoe...'
Let's get ready to roll!

'..we'll be building and testing

the quintessential Indiana Jones
traps from across the franchise...'

Oh, God!
Ooh! Argh!

'..to see just how badly injured
Indy would've really been...'

Ooh!

'..and explore
how science can help us

survive not just the traps...'
Let's do this.

'..but also Indy's arch nemesis -
Nazis.'

You can't just —
Silence!

'We'll also be carrying out
our own Indy-inspired pranks...'

Whoa!

'..and movie superfan Alex Brooker

will be meeting the cast,
stuntmen and...'

Hey, Alex.

'..creepy crawlies from the films.'
Oh, my!

'So, watch as Maisie and I
step into the shoes

of the world's
most famous archaeologist...'

Careful!
'..by riding minecarts...'

I'm coming for ya!

'..traversing quicksand...'
Argh!

'..and having more fun
than you can shake a whip at.'

Oh!
Run!

'Welcome to The Unofficial Science
Of Indiana Jones.'

(TENSE MUSIC)

Greg, no! Stay out the spotlight.
Maisie, come on in.

There's nothing to be scared of.

That's what THEY said last time.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, bloody hell.

Don't know what we were so worried
about, Greg. This is mint!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Holy Temple Of Doom!

Is this real? I feel like Ant & Dec
might pop out from behind a vine

and force feed me a camel's bumhole.

It feels like we're actually in
the Indiana Jones film.

Look, this is the actual boulder
that we're gonna outrun.

And that over there
is the wall of poison arrows

which we'll have to run through
before getting into a minecart.

What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, my God, have you seen this?

It's real-life quicksand.

I can't believe
we get to try that out later.

Nine-year-old Maisie and 29-year-old
Maisie are freaking out.

And look!
We get to go full Indy later,

with whips and everything,
over that spike-filled chasm.

(SCREAM)

We are gonna look so cool!

Or get maimed, crushed,
and suffocated,

and end up as a sad
Daily Mail headline.

We think THIS is cool,
but Alex Brooker's

probably off galivanting
somewhere mega glamorous.

For over 40 years,
we've watched as Indiana Jones

has explored the most exotic
locations in the world.

So where am I? Just off the M25,
in sunny Borehamwood.

But, believe it or not,
the world-famous Elstree Studios

were home to most
of Indy's adventures,

and nothing says exotic like having
a Wimpy on the high street.

Indiana Jones has become one of
cinema's most loved characters,

and I can't wait to delve into
how the films are made,

chat with some of the cast and crew

about the stunts
Greg and Maisie will be attempting,

and I'll get up close and personal

with some of the creepy crawlies
from the film.

Rumour has it that some of them
even escaped into these studios,

but I don't believe any of that.

Tell you what,
dunno about Ark Of The Covenant,

but I've seen things
in the Wetherspoons here
that'll melt your face.

Maisie,
you know we're super-talented,

highly competent individuals?
Agreed.

I think we'll be a bit
out of our depth science-wise,

so we need someone
who knows what they're doing.

Speak for yourself. I can name
six different types of snakes,

and I once pulled out
a man's beating heart

and held it up
in front of his very eyes.

Me, too!
Oh.

Hi, there.
Hello.

That's better. I've been
in that cave for three months.

Thankfully, that gave me the time

to brush up on the science
and engineering of Indiana Jones.

Zoe, you've got a little something
in your hair there.

Have I got it?

'We first met Indiana Jones
in Raiders Of The Lost Ark...

..about 30 years before
any of this lot were born.'

Indiana Jones.
I love this movie so much.

I think it's really old.
Like, proper back in the olden days.

When did it come out?
1990s or something.

'So, what will they make of Indy
and his first terrifying trap?'

'In Raiders Of The Lost Ark,

we see Indy traversing
a terrifyingly deep pit,

with only his trusty whip
to help him out.'

The way he swung was,
like, really professional,

because he just went psshh!
Where would you even get a whip?

Amazon, Argos, eBay,
Asda, Sainsbury's, Tesco's, Lidl.

'But on the way back across the pit,
Indy's whip is stolen...'

Adios, senor.

'..and he has to think quick
to get back over alive.'

Those type of things
are known as bottomless pits.

Maybe another way
of getting across is,

like, a trampoline or a jetpack.

Where would you find a trampoline or
a jetpack in the middle of nowhere?

I think they just thought about,
"Look, I've gotta get across.

Might as well jump.
Risk it for a chocolate biscuit."

I don't think you'd break your leg
for a chocolate biscuit.

What's the first thing you think of
when you think "Indiana Jones"?

"He's fit."
No.

The whip.
And the whip.

He uses it to get himself
out of all sorts of scrapes.

Attach himself to a truck,
scare snakes.

Zoe, quick question.
Why have you made me stand up here

on this scary platform,
all on my own?

Cos we wanna look
at the science of the whip swing.

Oh. Sure.
Do you want to give it a try?

Don't ask silly questions, Zoe.
Hand me my sexy whip!

OK, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You might think a whip

is all sexy fun times.
Yeah.

But what's the first rule
of sexy fun time? Use protection.

Goggles on, please, Maisie.

In the wrong hands,
a whip can be very dangerous.

I really hope these
aren't the wrong hands.

Let the whipping commence.

Argh!
It's not as easy as it looks.

I don't think she's making it
look that easy.

While she's whipping,
let's have some whip facts.

(WHIP CRACKS)
Hear that sound? Mini sonic boom.

It was the first manmade object
to break the sound barrier.

That's really cool.
But in the hands of a WOMAN, Zoe!

Oh!
Yes!

In careless hands,
they can break skin,

snap bones, and rupture eyeballs.

Hence the goggles.

Oh, no. It wraps round,
but it won't stay on!

That's the crux of the matter.
There's not enough friction.

And also, it isn't long enough.

If it was 100 metres, it would go
round, round, round, round,

create lots of surface area,
plenty of friction, you might swing.

But as it is, it's just unravelling.

So, what you're saying
is this is entirely pointless?

We've established you're not gonna
get across using the whip,

so we need to have a think about
what would happen if Indy fell.

In the temple we never really see
what's beneath or how deep it is,

but I'm assuming it's
somewhere full of booby traps.

So, let's go with deadly spikes.

Let's see what damage
that would cause.

It's scissor lift time.
Finally!

Whip transition.

When you said "scissor lift",
I was hoping for it to be
a bit more Strictly. Who's this?

This is Harrison Fraud.
Nice to meet you, Harrison Fraud.

Today he will be modelling
what would happen to Indy

if he were to fall down the chasm
onto wooden spikes.

Who wants to chuck him off?
Please can I do it?

I got so jealous of the whipping.
I want to do something fun.

Yep, OK.
This is for you then, Greg.

Do I look like one of those blokes
on a dating profile with a fish?

Yeah. Red flag.
Yeah.

Come on, Harry. Excuse me
for holding you in this area.

You ready?
Three, two, one...

Bye, Harrison.
Good luck.

Oh!
Oh!

Oh, I felt it.

If Indy had fallen
just six metres onto spikes,

he could have suffered multiple
penetration injuries, fractures,

punctured lungs, internal organ
injuries, and a brain haemorrhage.

And if you somehow survive all that,
it's a competition between

bleeding out and starving to death,
to see which kills you first. Fun!

And that's why you shouldn't
run with pencils.

So, how do you think you could
safely navigate this chasm?

Let's brainstorm this.
What could we do?

Make a slingshot.
Yes.

With the elastic.
Yes.

From your pants.
I'm thinking honeycomb.

Sorry, are you drunk?

Get ready to talk
structural strength.

Here is a piece of aluminium.

At the moment
it's all soft and floppy,

so it's actually quite springy
and elastic, not very strong.

But it can become a honeycomb
structure if you expand it.

If you pull this, Greg, two hands
on this side...and we pull.

Keep pulling, keep pulling.
Steady...

Pull that steady, and we're
going beyond the elastic limit.

So, now it's not gonna spring back,

and we've revealed
the honeycomb structure.

These honeycomb cells
are now incredibly strong.

You could stand on that,
it's not going anywhere.

You sandwich it
between two pieces of material

and you have a really rigid,
lightweight structure.

So, would we use this?
No.

But there's something
very similar we CAN use.

OK. One of these.

Wow. What's that?

This is an inflatable paddleboard.

Indy got to the temple in a canoe,

so it's not beyond
the realms of imagination.

It's 2024.
Paddleboards are very on trend.

That's true. Everyone's got one.
Them and an air fryer.

But inside the board there's
actually honeycomb-shaped cells.

Now, their walls are all flexible
and soft when it's not pumped up,

and then when you pump it up,
the honeycomb structure inside this

is gonna allow you
to cross the chasm.

No whips involved,
just air and the right shapes.

Can I throw that off now?

No, we need it
to get across the chasm.

Sorry. I just wanna throw things.
Listen!

Compressor on. (SCREAMS) God!

A lot of people wanna know what
it's like to kiss Harrison Ford.

What IS it like? (LAUGHS)

Don't let me down.

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(GROANS)

Maisie, how are you doing this
so easily?

Well, it's not exactly HARD
drinking tap water, Greg.

Tap water?
These are very strong macchiatos.

Oh.
I feel very jittery.

I might just go and tidy everything.

But first, a quick trip
to the toilet, cos...

(GROANS)

I'm about to meet up with
some of the cast and crew

from the Indiana Jones films,
to get the behind-the-scenes info

on how these incredible movies
were made.

I'll be chatting to Karen Allen,
who played Marion Ravenwood...

It's not the years,
it's the mileage.'

..Alison Doody, who played Dr Elsa
Schneider in The Last Crusade...

I'm alive! (LAUGHS)

..Paul Freeman,
who was Indy's nemesis Belloq

in Raiders Of The Lost Ark...

If somebody said to you, "Now your
head will explode," what do you do?

(LAUGHS)

..and the most famous stuntman
in the history of cinema,

Vic Armstrong.

It certainly gives you
inspiration to run fast. (LAUGHS)

What is it about the films
that you think

makes them stand the test of time?

The whole narrative, the way
the story is told, is wonderful.

It's the fun, it's the stunts,

it's the journey that makes every
person watching it a part of it.

They wrote a really good yarn.

You know, it goes against the grain
of a lot of the "heroic" roles

that were being written at the time.

I think humour is amazingly
important in an action movie.

You can get away with much more
blood and gore

and ghastly things
happening to people

if you somehow throw humour into it.

No ticket.

With the humour, like, how much
of it was able to be adlibbed?

A considerable amount was adlibbed,

and some of the funniest
lines are Harrison's.

There's this famous story
about Raiders,

when we all got dysentery.

What happened there?

Almost everybody got ill
during the shoot

because there was some hygiene
problem around the catering.

Anyway, they'd rehearsed and were
gonna have a big swordfight.

But when Harrison got to do it,
he was too ill to really stand up,

so he said, "Why don't I
just shoot the so and so?"

Yeah.And they said,
"Yeah, fine, good. That's it."

And it's the biggest laugh
in the movie.

It is, yeah.
Yeah.

The first time, you know,

Marion and Indiana Jones
are on screen together,

she punches him in the face.

I learned to hate you
in the last ten years.

I don't think
I had ever done a screen punch,

and I clipped Harrison
a couple of times.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

He was not that pleased about that.

Of course, we couldn't really use
any of the ones

where I actually clocked him.
(LAUGHS)

It really is incredible,
like, how similar

you and Harrison Ford looked
back in the day, and now.

I was standing there one day
and I felt somebody holding my hand.

I looked down, this little kiddie
had got my pinky finger,

was holding it,
and I started walking off,

and he started walking with me,

and then somebody spoke to me
and I answered them,

and this little kid
holding my hand suddenly went, "Ah!"

It was Harrison's kid.
(LAUGHS)

He'd realised I wasn't his dad.
(LAUGHS)

Of the three films
that you appeared in,

do you have favourite memory at all?

John Rhys-Davies and myself,

we got into a car with a driver
late at night,

and we were
gonna go across the desert.

The car broke down...

(LAUGHS) ..in the pitch darkness
of the desert.

The man driving the car,
he just disappeared,

and John, kind of, got out
of his suitcase a bottle of whiskey,

and we climbed up onto the top
of the roof of the car,

and we were, like, passing the
bottle of whiskey back and forth.

We were a little frightened
and we had absolutely no idea
what was gonna happen.

And we started singing,
like, showtunes.

We did this for, like, hours.
That's a wonderful memory.

Fans are very passionate
about the series.

What's the thing
that you're asked most often?

Well, invariably,
the question of the fly comes up.

So, this is a scene where people
say that you swallowed a fly.

You're gonna give mercenaries
a bad name.

Well, there was some contention

cos I looked at that sequence
frame by frame,

and I think it's apparent
that the fly doesn't go in my mouth.

But Steven insists
that I swallowed it.

And I had a great review
from Pauline Kael,

saying, "This actor's devotion
to his craft is extraordinary."

Yeah.
"Swallowing flies.

Perhaps he'll die."
(LAUGHS)

What's the question
you tend to get asked the most?

A lot of people wanna know what
it's like to kiss Harrison Ford.

That's a pretty popular one.

What IS it like?
(BOTH LAUGH)

Great!
(BOTH LAUGH)

'In Indiana Jones And The Kingdom
Of The Crystal Skull,

Indy finds himself
in more than a spot of bother,

as he and his ex, Marion,
get trapped

in a pit of quite terrifying
quicksand.'

Oh, my gosh, he's sinking.
Quicksand.

Must be like, you know,
a bowl of custard or something.

What is it, quicksand?
I'm calm.

No, it's a dry sand pit.

Cos look!

'And it's up to his estranged son
to save their lives.

It's all very EastEnders.'
Oh, why did it have to be a snake?!

What if it's, like,
a hyper-aggressive snake,

and it just bites his face?
What are you meant to do then?

If I was stuck in quicksand,
I would not panic.

I'd just be like... (YAWNS)

Can you swim in quicksand?
It would make you sink even more.

Maybe it would.

Maybe it wouldn't.

Have to Google it.

When you're younger,
you think quicksand

is gonna play a bigger threat in
your life than it does as an adult.

Mm.

Then you realise you're never ever
going to come across quicksand,

and there's no way
it's ever gonna cause damage to you.

Yep.
I think we might've been wrong.

You WERE wrong, but as Indy
pointed out in The Crystal Skull,

it wasn't quicksand in which
he got trapped, it was dry sand.

What's the difference?
Quicksand is a mix
of sand and water.

Dry sand is a mix of sand and gases.
Ah.

I happen to have made
what I shall be calling

the world's largest
dry quicksand pit.

Sorry, quick question.

How many are there in the world?
Two.

Right.
Zoe, you know with these experiments

I try my very best
to be a big, brave boy?

I DIDN'T know that.

Well, I DO try my best
to be a big, brave boy.

With this one, I'm quite scared,

so can you please
calm me with some science?

Both quicksand and dry sand
work ultimately in the same way.

Both the water and the gas

suspend the particles of sand
and agitate them

and create that all-important space
that's gonna enable you to sink.

The misconception with quicksands

is that you automatically
get sucked down,

but what really pulls you in
is your movement creates a vacuum,

and that vacuum
pulls your whole body

further down into the quicksand.

So, stay still
and it won't hurt as much?

Like a back wax, or an intimate one?

Oh, bit close to my eyeline, that.
(LAUGHS)

Feel free to take a step in.

Stand on the surface,
get acclimatised.

One, two, three, step.
Ah!

That's it. Steady. OK.

It's in a solid state now because
there's no gas running through it.

There WILL be in a minute.
I had beans for breakfast. Yes.

Goggles, of course.
Goggles, obviously.

Compressor on.
(COMPRESSOR WHIRS)

Air flow, ready.

Whoa! Ooh, I say!

Argh! Oh!

God... Oh, no!

Oh, it's got your arm as well!

Argh!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God!
Yeah.

I have never felt
less like Indiana Jones.

I cannot move my feet at all.

It feels a little bit
like this is how I WILL die.

Yeah, I have no idea
how I would get out.

It's very easy to get into,
very hard to get out of.

Bit like an Ikea.
Zoe, can this kill you?

It's often not the quicksand
that kills you;

it's being stuck in the quicksand,

which means you could die
from exposure.

That's starvation,
dehydration, and hypothermia.

Or you may suffer
from crush syndrome,

where your body is squished
and your kidneys fail.

And on top of all that,
you've got to worry about predators.

Yeah, the sand really does get
everywhere, doesn't it, Zoe?

Everywhere.

How do you think
you'll safely navigate this

and not get stuck
and die of exposure?

Kung fu?

Maybe? Just a suggestion.

The answer's in weight distribution.

Think stiletto shoe
versus sturdy work boot.

In a stiletto,
the weight is concentrated

onto a much smaller surface area,

so you're more likely
to sink down into things.

I've always said if you're
in the jungle, don't wear stilettos.

You HAVE always said that.
I have a beach ball
with gravy granules in it.

Course you do.
Would you like to say something
Northern about gravy?

Aye, go on, then. Where I come from,

that's what we call
a single portion!

Thank you.
Nae bother.

The gravy granules
weigh two kilograms.

And then this other ball, this is
a shotput, and this has lead in it,

and it weighs two kilograms,
but it's much smaller, much denser.

So, it's the same mass

concentrated into
a smaller surface area.

Let's put them to the test.

We'll see how each of them behave
when exposed to the quicksand.

Right, compressor on, please.

Heavy ball first. Here we go.

Oh, it's gone!
Oh! Well, that's gone.

Now let's see two kilograms spread
over a larger surface area, OK?

Go on.Yeah.
Same mass.

Oh.
Not a problem.

Can't even push it down.
That's amazing.

As you can see, the smaller,
denser ball has sunk to the bottom.

Mm.
Bye-bye, bally.

The same mass
but larger surface area,
happily bobbing about on the top.

How are we gonna survive
getting through quicksand later?

And please don't say
by swallowing gravy granules.

Please DO.
You need to spread the load.

So, I'll be giving you some
special knee and hand shoes.

You're saying hand shoes
like it's a normal thing.
Do you mean gloves?

You know what they say
about a man with big hand shoes?

Big...chances of survival.
Maisie, quick conflab.

So, she's expecting us
to crawl on our hands and knees

with hand and knee gloves
and spread our weight?

I think the woman is mad.
I totally agree.

I totally understand,
but we haven't given a better idea.

At one point, we just said Kung Fu.

You know what? We trust you.

Cor-eye-ander soup.

No!

Here we go.
Oh!

Let's put him
on a body part of yours.

What?
I've got sand on my bamboo!

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

And...cut. Lights up. That's lunch.

Oh, fantastic. I'm starving.
Mm.

I really liked that falafel wrap
from yesterday,

but it's just a bit garlicky for me.
You're telling me, yeah.Oh.

Wonder what we've got today.
Hiya, Ish.

It's a themed lunch.
Hope you like it.

Cheers. Thank you. What we got?
Thanks very much.

Boiled beetles.
Oh. Er...

Oh.
Rat sandwich?

And dessert...
Snake trifle?

Ooh. Think I might Nando's it.

Yeah.
Mm. It's actually delicious.

Yeah, I might go vegan.
Ohh...

'Just for a moment,

forget the spectacular stunts
of Indiana Jones...'

I thought that was a cake.
Oh, my God!

It's a snake.

'..and let's talk about one of the
series' most eye-catching scenes.'

Must be hungry, clearly.

'It is, of course, the Pankot Palace
feast from the Temple Of Doom.'

I'm so glad we were born in 2011.
Yes.

Back then, you don't have
proper food, like sweetcorn.

'But if you served up such
disgusting dishes in real life,

would people be as well-mannered
as Short Round,

or as ungracious as Willie?'

When you're a dinner guest,
you have to be polite,

so you would have to try it
at least.

'That's the spirit.

Well, we've invited a group
of compact critics along

to taste test a twist
on the Pankot Palace feast

that's totally safe to eat.

They just don't know that.'

I'll be serving up
some bug-filled bites,

then heading to a hidden room to
watch what our diners really think.

Bon appetit, kids!

I wonder who the chef is.

I'm from a place
called Pankot Palace Food,

and we are trialling a new menu.

Just gonna say, me and Abu,

we're not the easiest of customers.

Oh! Oh, gosh. OK.

And what I'd really love
is some honest feedback, OK?

Sometimes it's a bit TOO honest.

That's good.
I can take that, I promise.

First up, I hope you really enjoy
my cor-eye-ander soup.

(SCREAM)

What is it?
Soup.

Yep. You're welcome.

These are the real deal.
What the hell?

It can be quite tricky
to get eyeballs, but we managed.

All you have to do
is go to a death place

and then gather their eyeballs.

Good feelings about the soup?
Yeah.

Great. Oh, that's gone so well.
Yeah. It tastes really nice.

I'm gonna go out
and prepare your next dish.

I'LL see you later.

That was disgusting.
She needs to be fired.

Why would you put
all this stuff together?

Ab-so-lutely disgusting.

First kid to slap the table
whilst he says how bad it was.

That's pretty bad.
Just say it was lovely.

I don't wanna be rude.

We don't wanna make
the chef feel sad.

May I introduce to you
sp-bug-hetti Bolognese.

No!

Yes.

You've heard of mealworms?
Mm?!

Get some bug on that.
(LAUGHS) I'm alright.

There's the quote for the menu.

These will send you to heaven.

Like, that I'll die?

Yeah, get stuck in.

Lovely.
Back to the kitchen, then.

Uh-uh. Please don't go back.

Now we can talk honestly.

Oh, my God.

(BURPS) Pardon me.

I just wanna get it out of my body.

At least they're not bees.
At least they're not bees.

I actually think I'm gonna be sick.
(LAUGHS)

No. (BURPS)

Very different feedback
to what I had in the room,
let me tell you that.

Time for, now,
the piece de resistance.

It is brainoffee surprise.

(SCREAMS)

(CREATURE SCREECHES)

Yes.

Yeah. I don't know
if you've had brains before.

No!

Of course we haven't had
brains before - we're kids.

You like it?

Yeah?

Good?

Yeah, this is very good.

You can't destroy perfection.

I'll see you soon.

Bye! Urgh!

Disgusting, nasty.
I'm not her friend at all.

All I get when I go through there
is smiles and, "Oh, thank you!"

"Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom."
Then we get this.

Oh! Monkey fell off the table.

Well, there you have it.

I've proven that you can serve
a load of dishes

not too dissimilar
to the ones from Indiana Jones,

and most kids will just be polite
and scoff it up.

But all in all,
I think that was a piece of cake.

Or should I say monkey brain,
in a monkey skull?

Even I know that's not monkey brain,
but I wouldn't eat it.

She didn't even ask us
if we were lactose intolerant.

(BIRDS SCREECH)

The Indiana Jones franchise
is famous for the variety

of horrible bugs,
rodents, and reptiles

that plunge the characters
into despair and danger,

so I'm here to meet Jules Sylvester,
who has worked as an animal trainer

on multiple Indiana Jones films,
to have a look at -

and I cannot say strongly enough,
NOT touch -

some of the animals
used in the films.

Seriously, though,
you know how this works.

They do the difficult bit
in the studio and I do the fun bit,

so obviously I'm not...
You're not gonna make me
touch any of 'em, are you?

Hey, Alex.

Jesus! Alright?

This is a snake that pulled
Indiana Jones out of the swamp.

Grab on.

Grab.

He's got huge teeth.

Oh, OK.
All pythons bite.

So, he bites, yeah?
Can do, yeah.

Looks like he remembers the hat.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Did he get on well with the cast?
Yeah.

Harrison Ford was very cool
with the snakes,

even though in the movies
he's terrified of them.

Were there any animals that were
used in the Indiana Jones films

that could've really done
some damage to someone?

Just this one. If he gets around
your neck, even just hanging on,

you could pass out.
Oh, wow.

Don't put him up near your face
or near testicles
or anything like that.

It's alright, I've had my kids now.
My wife wants me to get the snip,

but I don't want it done that way.
Yeah, this'll do it.

Having seen this,
you wanna see something else?

Er...

Might be worse.

Might be better.
(SNAKE HISSES)

Jules, why have I got goggles on?

Check this out.

The reason you're wearing goggles...
Yeah?

..is these tarantulas...
Oh, course, tarantulas.

..kick hair.
Kick hair?

Yeah. See these hairs flying up?
Yeah.

If they get in your eyes,
they can drill into your eyeballs.

Wow. OK.
So, these was used in the films?

Yeah, this species.

How do you get them to move,
like, when you want them to?

Well, three things.
They go from light to dark.

You can blow on their butt
and they run the opposite direction.

Or you can tickle his butt
with a feather.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Let's get something bigger, better,
but you don't need the goggles.

Now, having said that,
this has got half-inch fangs.

It's a brilliant, brilliant spider.

Oh, my... (LAUGHS)

So, let's put him
on a body part of yours.

What?
Yeah. I think it'll be fine.

You've just spent five minutes
telling me how big its fangs are.

We can put him on your leg
or something.

Hop you up here.
Put him on my —

A leg. He'll just crawl
on a trouser leg, up there.

You can do it.

So, ready?
Go on then, Jules.

I'm good. Here we go.

Do it. OK, I'm ready.

There you are.
Oh.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
I'm actually doing this.

How do you feel?
Do you know what? Quite brave.

Feel quite brave.

That was great. Thank you.
Good job.

Thank you, Jules. Been a pleasure.
You're so welcome, bud.

Thank you very much.

'In Indiana Jones And The Temple
Of Doom's most thrilling scene,

we see Indy
expertly fleeing his captors

in an out-of-control old minecart.'

I think the minecart
looked like a fun rollercoaster.

'So, how do you stop
a rickety rollercoaster?

By sticking the boot in, of course.'
(GASPS)

Wouldn't his shoes, like, break?

(GROANS)

That looked like fire on your foot.

That is physically impossible.

His shoe would burn,

then it would go through
the layers of tissue of —

Oh, oh, please, please.

Water! Water! Water!

Do you know when you're
cooking bacon, it goes "crrrr"?

That must've happened with his foot.

If I had my phone,
I would call someone to save me.

What if you don't have
unlimited data?

As you saw there in Indiana Jones
And The Temple Of Doom,

Indy uses the sole of his boot
to stop the steel minecart

that's carrying himself,
Short Round, and Willie

from careering down the ravine.

Zoe, I just wanna stop you there.

You OK with Short Round and Willie?
Anything you wanna add?

No. Mmm.
Sure? Please continue.

OK, shall we take a closer look
at what would happen

if Indy's foot was against the
cart's metal wheel for that time?

Mm.

I have here a little bit
of a demo rig for you. Ready?

Da-da!
Oh, wow.

It's going to mimic the effect

of boot on cart wheel.
Ooh.

You love putting us in goggles,
don't you?

You don't wanna get
a foot to the face.

Your cart wheel is gonna spin
at 1,000 RPM,

so it's really quite fast,

and I'm gonna lever on the boot,
and we'll see what happens.

Have you done this before?

No. I'm not mad.

OK, well, let me lean in, then.
Get as close as possible.

Seems perfectly safe.
Motor on.

(MOTOR WHIRS)

Voice-activated. Very modern.

The cart's going. "Duh-duh du-du-du.
Argh, argh!"

Oh. Might lean back.

It's braking. But look.

Chunks of sole are flying off.

Oh.
Can you see smoke?

Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Your foot's on fire.

There's a huge amount
of friction there,

and that friction
is generating heat.

It's like getting a pedicure
from Thomas The Tank Engine.

OK, that is a problem.
What we saying?

Oh, yeah, you couldn't
return them, could you?

(LAUGHS)
Not good news.

'As the shoe pushes down
on the metal wheel,

the friction would erode the sole
away, exposing the foot

before the top layers of skin
and tissue are torn away,

in a process known as "degloving".'

Zoe, can I stop you here?
I don't love the term "degloving".

Maisie?
Oh, I loved it.

OK, continue.

'The wheel would cut through
the muscles and tendons,

before eroding the bone.

However, the heat
generated by the friction

would eventually
cauterise the wound,

meaning he wouldn't bleed out,

but would probably
later lose the leg.'

But here's the bit
that might've killed him.

The wheels are spinning incredibly
fast, and if his foot slips,

there's a good chance he could get
caught and pulled under the wheel.

Let me show you.
Bit of leg pole action.

Ah, yes, a totally normal prop.

This lady is mad.
Yes.

Alright, nice wide stance.

As in us too?
What, me?

Here we go.
We're at full speed.

Oh!

Oh, my word.

I've not seen a leg fly like that
since Angela Rippon did Strictly.

In this instance, Indy would
suffer multiple rib, skull,

and pelvic fractures,
and extensive degloving.

(LAUGHS) There's that word again.

So, basically...death?
Yeah, with a capital D.

When one of you is doing this stunt
for real at the end of the show,

we're gonna need
to protect your feet.

Any ideas what we could use?
Bits of beef?

That's good. I like that.
Bits of beef?Yeah.

I suggest a pair of boots
with THIS on the sole.

This is carbon ceramic.

It's amazing, cos it has
a crystalline structure,

which means it's very stable
under high heat and pressure,

so when you apply it
to a fast-moving surface,
it works really well.

Let me show you.

We've now got the piece
of carbon ceramic

on the sole of the shoe.

Ideally you'd cover the whole shoe,
but I'm trying to reduce
my carbon footprint.

Ha! Hey, good one!
That's good stuff.

On with the motor.
I'm gonna apply the footbrake.

(SCRAPING)

And it's stopped.
Wow.

That did that? That stopped it?

It dissipates heat really well,
so your feet wouldn't get hot,

and they'd act as a great brake.
Gogs up?Yeah, goggles off.

OK, you've solved the thing
that's NOT gonna kill us,

but what about the thing that IS?

That's easy.
Indy was being an idiot.

You just need to stand at the BACK
of the minecart, not the FRONT,

so you're not pulled
under the wheels.

That's straightforward physics.
Mm.

So, who wants to ride
the minecart later?

Well, I checked earlier,
and unfortunately, Zoe,

I'm too short to ride
the rollercoaster.

Sorry, Greg.

Oh, no, is height an issue?
I might be too tall.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Here we go.

She's a killer!
Hello.

(SCREAMS)

Oh!
I'm coming for ya!

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

Maisie, you know how
Indiana Jones films always feature

ethereal and otherworldly events,
like face-melting holy ghosts,

and grails that give you
immortality, and —

The bit where Harrison survives
a nuclear explosion
by staying in a fridge?

Ah! We don't talk
of the fridge bit, Maisie.

But, look, I got hold of
this Dial Of Destiny replica,

which the seller insisted was real,
and apparently it alters time.

Is this like
when you got really into crystals?
I'm worried about you.

No, no, no, the crystals
were from a very reputable source.

Was it your aunt
on Facebook Marketplace?
Auntie Margaret knows her stuff.

But look, anyway, I don't think
this is the REAL Dial Of Destiny.

Sorry, the REAL?

Yeah, well, obviously I don't think
artefacts can be magic!

But shall we?
Sure.

(DIAL CLICKS)

Uh-oh.
Wow.

(LAUGHS)

'Indiana Jones is constantly
on the hunt for mystical artefacts,

which sometimes hold terrifying
and supernatural powers,

which challenge Indy's
sceptical beliefs.'

He's turning old.

That's so scary.

Ew, he's turning into a skeleton.

He picked the wrong glass.

Are you seriously eating popcorn
whilst we're watching this?

Are you being real with yourself?

Doesn't Indiana Jones ever get,
like, nightmares from these?

'But surely no-one in real life
would actually believe

artefacts could have magical powers,
would they?'

I'm here hidden in the back room
of a primary school

which we've rigged with cameras,
cos we want to see

if even the most naive and innocent
members of our society

can really believe
that an artefact is magic.

'These kids think they're here

to meet esteemed archaeologist
Diggory Smith...'

(POSH VOICE) Hello!

'..who's here to show them
his artefacts

from his global adventure.'

A very ancient bogey picker.

BOTH: Urgh!

But behind him is the star
of today's show, Wewe Kojo.

BOTH: Wewe Kojo?

It's 3,000 years old!

3,000?!

So, can we convince
a group of five-year-olds
that Wewe Kojo is magical?

'Let the test commence.'

Wewe Kojo is the god of mischief.

Legend has it that Wewe Kojo
was so, so naughty,

so full of mischief,

that they had to trap him
inside a statue.

I don't really believe in magic.
It's all silly, really.

(PHONE BEEPS)
Now — Oh, one second.

I'll be back in two minutes, OK?

Coming, Mother!

Really? Mother?

I'm gonna start drawing Wewe Kojo.

OK, ready?
Yeah.

I'll turn it on now.

(DISTORTED VOICE) Ah. Hello.

(SCREAMS)

What? Where you going?

I think maybe Diggory and Wewe Kojo
are maybe too believable.

Hello.

Oh, brilliant!

I was hoping I'd have
someone to talk to.

Do you trick people?
Not tricking people.

Yes, you do! You're lying!

(LAUGHS)

What if the man comes back?

What?
You think Diggory will be cross?

He was a bit boring, wasn't he?

Um...
Yep, he was.

He was, yes. Yes.

Oh, hang on. Just a minute.

(GROANS AND FARTS)

(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS AND FARTS)

Oh, Wewe Kojo, it stinks!

That's not very nice.
I'm so sorry.

My farts actually have
magical powers.

They can clear a room
in just five seconds.

Do you see those books
on that shelf?

Something called homework.
What's homework?

You go to school
and on Friday they give you work,

you have to take home and do it.

It's not very nice.
I don't agree with it.

(LAUGHS)

I can do some fun magic tricks,
if you want to see.

Yeah.

(SCREAMS)
Whoa!

Pretty cool, huh?

How about these magnets?
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(WHIMPERS)
Oh, that is amazing.

That's cool.
Yeah!

No hands!

It says "Wewe Kojo" now.

Good to go on the card trick.

What?
Wow!

Ah!

Whoa!

Oh!

Wewe Kojo, that made me jump.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's the best trick ever!

Now I've shown you
lots of different magic tricks,

do you fancy helping me escape?

OK.

You need to really
believe in magic

and believe in Wewe Kojo.

So, say with me..."Free the Wewe".

ALL: Free the Wewe.

Free the Wewe.

Free Wewe.

Oh, I can feel it working!

Oh, I'm free! I'm free!
The Wewe is free!

Goodbye, tiny humans!

Remember to always be naughty!

Eh?

What's all the commotion in here?
He came alive.

Oh, it smells like farts in here.

He made those letters move.
Who did?

BOTH: Wewe Kojo!
Impossible!

Wewe's escaped.

So, you're telling me
that this statue came to life

and it was magic?
Yes!

But magic isn't real.

No, magic is FAIRLY real.

How does a magician vanish?

Because of magic. Yes!

'So, there you have it.

We've proved kids believe
artefacts can be magic.

All you need is
some low-level special effects...

and a fart machine.'
(FARTS)

'In Raiders Of The Lost Ark's
infamous opening scene,

Indy grabs the golden idol, which
triggers a series of deadly traps,

beginning with
the wall of poison arrows.

How did he not get hit?

That was scary.

What would that do to you,
if that hit you?

I'd die.

It depends where it hits.

Like, if it hits my finger,
I'll be OK.

I can live without a finger.
Do, like, a cartwheel.

I'd just do loads of sausage rolls.
Sausage rolls?

I think I would probably wear
a lot of layers of clothes.

How many layers?
30 layers.

Do you even have 30 clothes?

I don't think that's called
a sausage roll.

So, you know, like, bubble wrap?
You're so smart.

'Bubble wrap, sausage rolls,
and a couple of extra jumpers.

Maybe we don't need help from
our so-called expert after all.'

In Raiders Of The Lost Ark,
Indiana manages to outrun

a barrage of poisoned arrows

triggered by pressure pads
through the temple,

but Indy was the fittest
archaeologist that ever lived.

Agreed. So hot.
Wrong "fit".

But that's probably why
he was able to outrun those arrows.

But I don't think
us mere mortals can compete.

Rude.
If you're gonna do this for real,

I think it'd be helpful
to really appreciate the level
of damage that this could cause.

Yeah, I just think full death.

Yeah. And properly dead, not like
Dirty Den dead, or Harold Bishop,

or Ian Beale, you know.

Ian Beale's still alive.

Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's unbreakable.

BOTH: Unbreaka-Beale.

Sorry, Zoe, do carry on.
Let's see if you're right.

I'll show you what would happen
in the worst-case scenario,

using this crossbow
and that ballistic gel head

that has a coconut inside
to represent the skull.

Be careful when shooting coconuts,
cos you might end up
with a Bounty on your head.

(LAUGHS)
You're gonna need these.

OK.
I feel a bit close.

Yeah, me too.
I might just...

Maybe I'll just go here.
I'd like to go behind something.

Well, no, I need to be... Like that?

As long as you're behind ME,
you'll be fine.OK.

Here we go.

Oh!
Ooh!

Oh!
Ooh! Oh, God!

Where's he gone?
She's a killer!

Oh, wow.
Ah.

That's a lot of blood.

The arrows fire towards Indy
at head and chest level.

'If it penetrates the skull,
like this, it could cause paralysis,

brain damage, or immediate death.

If it hits the chest, it could be
cardiac arrest, haemothorax,

major lung injury,
or catastrophic haemorrhages.'

But it's the unpredictability
that I don't like most.

It could get you in the buttock,
in the love handle - not so bad -

but whatever happens, it's gonna be
multiple horrendous injuries.

Yeah, it all just sounds
quite death-y, doesn't it?Mm.

How would you survive running
through a shower of poisoned arrows?

Well, personally I would immediately
start crying and run home.

Yeah.
To my mum.

Spend years building up your
immune system to poison and arrows?

Yeah.
I'd say carpet.

Sorry?
That's more Aladdin, isn't it?

Well, archers actually use carpet
in the targets

for the arrows to bed into.
Oh.

Let me show you what happens
when you shoot an arrow
at just one layer of carpet.

Hey. Hang back.

Oi!
Ooh!

Oh, my God!
It's gone straight through.

This is nonsense.
It's not.

One layer does slow it,
albeit slightly, I grant you,

but see what happens
when we use multiple layers.

Ooh! Better.

Yeah. I mean, come on,
that's lodged in it.

So, Indy should've spent less time
wanging on about archaeology

in his boring lectures,
and more time down Carpetright?

These aren't just any layers.

These are hairy layers.
Oh.

It's the fibres in the carpet that
aid the deceleration of the arrow.

It's the same as the fibres inside a
bulletproof vest, only more homely.

Great news for my nan's next riot!

So, Maisie, when you're dodging
that shower of poison arrows,

think about fashioning a shield
out of carpet.

Oh!
Oh, no, no!

Oh, it's horrible!

You got to be Indiana Jones.

Absolutely,
and I'm very proud of it.

Release.
Yes! Yes!

Here we go.

Oh!

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

I can never eat marshmallows again.

That's so funny. The same thing
happened to my friend.

She was on holiday in Slovenia -
Raargh!

Argh!

Wah!

Sorry, can you hold that, Greg?
Sorry. Honestly.

(GUNSHOT)

Yeah, I think it was Slovenia.

Anyway, she was on holiday.
Anyway, she bites into it.

In the end,
turns out it's a dog's chew toy.

'I'm back at Elstree studios,
to speak to the cast

and stunt coordinator Vic Armstrong,
about how Indiana Jones

completely revolutionised
the action adventure genre,

thanks to the massive scale
of nerve-wracking stunts like this.

I want to dig a little deeper into
how dangerous they really were.'

I remember running away from
that big plane with Wendy, my wife,

who was doubling Karen,
when it blows,

and you're standing there and you're
ready to go, and you look,

and the cameras are
as far away as you can see,

and they're hiding
behind boards and things,

cos you know bits of this plane
are gonna fly everywhere.

It certainly gives you
inspiration to run fast.

And when you're doing a stunt,

you've got the whole crew,
everybody's there, you know.

Everybody watching feels
they could do it better, probably.

It's like taking a penalty
at Wembley.

Everybody can score the goal except
if they're standing there doing it.

What I would say about stunt work,
and certainly in Indiana Jones,

is I've never watched it and
thought, "I reckon I could do that."

A stunt that I vividly remember
on the movie was my death scene,

where I fall out of my glove

after Indy tries to convince me
not to go for the Holy Grail.

(SCREAMS)

But in actual fact, I was falling
onto a big, cushiony mattress,

and we filmed the scene and it
was cut, and Steven was very happy,

but because I wanted
to come in the next,

I wanted to be "Elsa Returns",
I went, "I'm alive!"

(BOTH LAUGH)

They went,
"No, you're not! You're dead."

I said, "No, it was
a cushiony landing! I'm alive!"

(LAUGHS)

And did Harrison get involved
in some of the stunts

and try and do a lot?

We wouldn't do a stunt without
rehearsing it and rehearsing it.

So, I'm on top of this particular
rock and it's about 16, 17 feet -

it's a long way to the ground.

And then a shadow appeared beside
me, and this deep voice said -

and it's Harrison -
"Yeah, no, I'm doing this, Vic."

"No, no, no." So, we had a little
argument on top of this rock,
friendly argument.

And in the end, I said,
"Look, Harrison,

you're doing alright, aren't you?

You're earning a nice few quid
on this movie.

I'm a jobbing stuntman. I get paid
extra every time I do a stunt.

Now, if you start doing
all the stunts,

what am I gonna buy my Christmas
presents for the kids with?"

Tongue in cheek. And he went,
"Ah, gee, I'm sorry, Vic.

Next time I'm an arse,
kick me in the arse," you know.

So I talked him out of doing it.
That's the sort of guy he is.
He wanted to do everything.

You've got the scene
in Well Of Souls,

where you and Indy are locked in
with thousands of snakes.

I can imagine that was pretty
unpleasant to film.

They poured them out onto the set,

and then they tried
to collect them all,

but there were other films
shooting at Elstree,

and suddenly a snake would,
sort of, slither onto their set.

It was, kind of,
a little ongoing drama.

(SNAKE HISSES)

(SCREAMS)

There were several people
bitten by the pythons,

and we had ambulances
just outside the doors.

That sequence was tough,
because also my dress,

the dress I wear, they realised that
the fabric it was made of was...

They couldn't fireproof it.

So, they had to have people
just off camera on either side of me

with, like, you know,
fire extinguishers

and wet blankets
and things like that,

in case my dress went up.

(LAUGHS)

You've got ambulances outside
in case you get bitten,

and you've got people
with fire extinguishers

in case you get set alight.
Yeah, in case I go up!

Indy, the torch is going out!

One thing I've collected is this.
It's a book of storyboards right the
way through the tank chase sequence.

It's like a little bible...
Yeah.

..about that very thing.

And it's lovely to have that
as a piece of my life, my history.

It's cinematic history as well.

I used to read
the storyboards to my kids,

and that would be
their bedtime reading. (LAUGHS)

I mean, I'm sure there's some scenes
you couldn't have done it for.

"So, then the Nazi's face melted.
The end. Anyway, have a good sleep."

(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Exactly.

In every Indiana Jones,

there's a part
every guy would like to be,

a part every kid would like to be,

and a part every woman
would like to be.

And you got to be Indiana Jones.
Absolutely.

And I'm very, very proud of it.

'It's finally time for one of
the most famous scenes

in the history of cinema -

Indy's legendary escape
from a massive boulder

in Raiders Of The Lost Ark.'

How does the boulder know
which way he's going?

I don't know. That's movies.

I would just literally pelt it.

I hate spiders so much.

Like, I'd rather get
run over by a boulder.

If that boulder hit you,
you'd be dead.

That's scientifical.

It would probably pop your muscles,
pop your veins -

Blood vessels as well.
Blood vessels.

What would you do?

Just sit down and wait
till the brush of cold death.

What you have to do is you have
to bring a piece of paper with you.

Why?

Paper beats rock.
(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, Zoe. That's a big rock.

Boulder.

(MORE BOLDLY)
Hey, Zoe, that's a big rock!

Want me to tell you the science
behind the boulder stunt?

Yes, I would.
Sorry for doing that.

I've calculated that the boulder
is about three metres high,

and it's made of granite,

so it would probably weigh in
close to 46 tonnes.

That's a massive mass.
Big.

And that mass,
coming from that height,

is gonna start to roll and travel
up to 16.8 miles per hour.

I reckon I could outrun that.

Well, it doesn't sound that fast,

but think, the average human
running for their life

is gonna be going
at 12 miles per hour,

if they're lucky,
so what are your chances?

Well, I was North Yorkshire
cross country champion,

under 16s, three years in a row,
so pretty good, I reckon.

So, do you think Indy
could've survived?

No. I think
he would've been squashed.

Let's look at what happens
when something very heavy
rolls over everyday items,

and for that we need to go outside,
and more importantly...

let's get ready to roll!
Do you think she's alright?

Here we have an array of everyday
items, to represent the human body.

A watermelon, for your head!

A toilet, for your bones!

A barbecue, for your ribcage!

And a mattress filled with water,
for your internal organs!

Zoe, did you get all of your items
from the middle aisle of Lidl?

Guilty. But remember,
we're looking at what would happen

if a boulder
was to roll over a human body.

Goggles on.

Let's get crushing!

(CHANTING) Crush them!
Crush them! Crush them!

(WARNING BEEPS)

Here we go.
Oh, gosh.

Oh, he's going quite fast.
He's not shy.Oh, wow!

Oh!

Oh, the head is dead.
Every cell in your body, pop!

Come on.
Ooh.

(CLATTERING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(SCREAMS)

You're being minced
and ground down here.

This is nasty.

Rib.
Another rib.

Oh! Oh! Oh, no! No!

It's all falling out!

Oh, it's horrible!

Oh, God!

Argh! Argh!

I've not seen a toilet
destroyed like that

since I went camping with my dad.

That's all our items decimated.
Yeah.Yeah.

That's definitely the case.

What you need to remember is that
steamroller, it's only 13 tonnes.

Only?
And it's travelling at

a really sedentary
one or two miles per hour.

The boulder, it's going at
16 miles per hour, 46 tonnes.

'The boulder would
certainly fracture

almost every bone in the body,

cause all the cells
and internal organs to burst open,

inducing asphyxia,
internal bleeding,

catastrophic haemorrhage,
and certain death.

How do you think you might survive?
It's definitely not UNDER.

Under is a no-go, so maybe OVER?

We've got long limbs.
Ride it.

Could jump it.
Ride it, just ride it out.

Yeah.
Just face it head-on?

Just, sort of roll with it.
Yeah. I like that.

Let's go inside.
I'll show you how it's done.

As you can imagine,
no protection in the world

could stop you being crushed
by that boulder,

but there might be something we can
do to dissipate that kinetic energy,

you know, slow the ball down,

and we're gonna test out the theory
using these two bowling balls.

The principle is you've got
two different tracks.

Greg, you're gonna
go down this run unimpeded.

Your target is Indiana Jones
at the end.

Easy.
OK? Maisie, your track is lined

with a series of obstacles

that hopefully will reduce
the momentum of that bowling ball

enough for it to potentially not
make it to the end, but we'll see.

And to keep it on brand, those
obstacles, little rubber snakes.

Oh. Lovely.

Hang on, Indiana Jones is gonna be
saved by some speedbumps,

like he's just working
for the council or something?

It's surprisingly effective, I hope.

Alright.
Balls at the ready.

Cor!

Place your balls on the ramp.
Buy me a drink first.

No pushing.
I wouldn't dream of it, Zoe.

Three, two, one...

..release.

Oh!

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes!
Oh, no!

I've been pushed back
by a penultimate snake.

This proves that we can dissipate
the energy from the rolling boulder

enough to stop it reaching you.

That bowling ball
didn't even have enough energy

to cross the final snake.
Alright, Zoe. Thank you.

I think we're just talking, like,

a little ten-centimetre speedbump
is all you need.

So, some bamboo logs
could be laid down

in front of the path
of the careering ball,

dissipate that energy,
and save you from certain crushing.

Well, I don't know if we need
to slow down the momentum.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned,
but I was cross country champion

three years in a row,
so I'd probably outrun it.

To be fair,
that might actually come in handy.

But that's it from me now,

so best of luck,
and try and enjoy it.

What do you mean,
that's it from you? Zoe!

I didn't get all that.
Yeah, so it was 2008,

a rainy morning in Aireville Park,
I've won two years on the trot -

No, not the cross country bit again,
the bamboo bit.

But...you haven't even heard
the rest of the story.

Don't need to.
Three years on the trot.

'It's time to take all the science
tips that we've learnt from Zoe

and finally put them into action.'

Silence!
Wow.

Run!

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(WHIP WHOOSHES AND CRACKS)

(ROUSING SOUNDTRACK MUSIC)

Maisie, it's finally time.

I cannot believe
we get to become Indiana Jones

and take on all these traps,
and there's not a fridge in sight.

But first, I think
we need to get an outfit change.

Great idea. I was thinking
exactly the same thing.

Maisie, what do you think about -
Oh, wow.

Oh.

God.

Um...
Well, you chose...wisely.

And you chose...poorly.

Really poorly.
I feel really stupid, actually.

OK, well, go and get changed into
an outfit that doesn't look like

you're about to go
on the world's worst stag do.

Yeah, OK.

Now that is what I'm talking about.

Yes!

I bet Alex doesn't look
half as cool as this.

No chance.

Uncovering all the secrets
of Indiana Jones has been amazing.

Getting to look around these film
studios and meet the cast and crew

has brought home how much these
films revolutionised the genre.

We may have first met Indy
over four decades ago,

but as the great man once said,
"It's not the years, honey,
it's the mileage."

So, Greg, Maisie,
all that's left to say is good luck,

and if anything goes wrong,
we'll have a whip round.

Do you get it?
Cos of the...whip.

(WHIP CRACKS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I'm really excited. Are you ready?
I'm ready.

Then let's do this.

(TENSE MUSIC)

OK, right, Greg, it's time
to take all the science tips

that we've learnt from Zoe
and finally put them into action.

I'm gonna absolutely smash this.

I thought I was gonna smash this,
but now I'm a bit overwhelmed,

my mind's gone blank and all
I can think about is oxbow lakes -
geography, not science.

No, no, listen,
you're gonna be fine, OK?

I'm gonna take the golden idol
before dodging the wall of arrows
with my carpet shield,

and then crossing a massive chasm
with my inflatable bridge.

OK, good plan.
I'm gonna get the Sankara Stones,

before jumping in
a getaway minecart,

with my rather dashing
carbon ceramic shoes,

then spread my weight
across the quicksand.

Great. Then meet me by the boulder
before outrunning it,

and then we end this
by drinking from the Holy Grail
and achieving immortality.

Good. One thing, if we ARE gonna be
super-cool super heroes,

we need a super-cool catchphrase.

Just call me...Indiana James.

Have you been waiting all show
to say that?

It's the only reason
I took the job, yeah. Let's go!

(CACKLES)

You thought
it would be that easy, hm?

Sorry, who are you?
Me?

Um... I'm afraid I'm a Nazi.

I got a call from my agent about
being a baddie in Indiana Jones,

and it was either this, or an alien,

or an inappropriate
racial stereotype,
and they're all career killers.

Anyway, believe it or not,
Nazi, penchant for evil,

and desire to bring
down civilisations using
the power of ancient artefacts -

artefacts I believe you own.

So, Maisie Adam and Greg James,

you will have to stop me
reaching the grail first!

Actually, you know what,
this is quite a good role.

Right, so not only do we need
to find the artefacts,

we also need to defeat
this drama school Nazi?

Yes, darling. I mean, ja!

(CACKLES)

In that case, I'm gonna go and get
the Sankara Stones before he does.

Catch you in a bit.

Damn it! Zoe never told us
the science of this bit.

E equals MC squared.

Screw this.

Instead...

(DEEP RUMBLING STARTS)

Oh, no. Rumbling is never good.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

These look like delicious potatoes.

You ARE delicious potatoes!

Yes.

Because the budget went on me.

An incredible actor.

I'll be taking that.

Yoink!
You can't just —

Silence!

Wow.

On reflection,
that maybe was a bit much.

I do apologise. (LAUGHS)
Quick! There's not much time!

I must catch him!

But first,
I must put on my special shoes!

(BIRD CALLS)

OK, time to have my life saved
by my nan's carpet.

OK, here we go.

Oh! Careful! This is 100% angora!

Oh!

Oh, my God, it worked.

Thank you, Zoe,
and your hairy layers.

I'm coming for ya!

I want my potato back!

(HIGH-PITCHED METALLIC SQUEAK)

Thank you for your service, shoe.

Ooh.

Come on, Maisie, engage the lungs.

Done.

I really hope Zoe was right
about the honeycomb.

Trust Zoe. Trust Zoe.

Trust the honeycomb.
Don't let me down.

You're not afraid of heights.
(REPEATS)

Just go, just go, just go.

Oh, God. Oh.

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Very bendy.

Very wobbly. Ooh.

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, my God, it worked! Yes!

I didn't realise being an adventurer

would involve
so many costume changes.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Stay calm, trust Zoe.

Panicking. OK, calm!
Sand shouldn't be bubbling.

Argh!

Oh, God. Come on!

Come on! Argh!

I've got sand on my bamboo!

(LAUGHS)

You're alive!
Yeah, barely.

I'm very sandy.

Say auf wiedersehen
to your life, losers.

(HEAVY THUD AND RUMBLING)

Oh!
Ahh!

Remember your science.
Slow it down!

I feel like we should also RUN!

Think about
what the council would do!

Write a letter?
No!

Oh, speedbumps!
Yes, exactly!

Maisie, isn't it incredible
how it stopped

just at the end of the studio,
before it smacked us in the face?

That's science, baby.

Let's crab.

(GASPS)

Look!

We found the tomb of the grail.

That looks like the cup
of a carpenter.

That grail belongs to me.

OK, that gun does actually
look quite real.

What are we gonna do?
I've got an idea.

Hey, baddie, your agent called

and said that the casting director
from Silent Witness

has been in touch and says
you'd be perfect for the show.

Oh, thank heavens.

I really didn't wanna do
all the face-melty stuff.

I'm wearing a lot of foundation.
Alright, guys, ciao for now.

Oh, you'll be needing this.

Hot potato. (LAUGHS)
Break a leg.

Hey, Maise,
look at all these artefacts.

What are we gonna do with all these?
Go on Bargain Hunt?

Terrific idea. Hey, you're getting
the hang of this Indiana Jones lark.

Thank you. Cheers.
I'll drink to that.

Cheers.

You know what that means, don't you?
What?

We both drunk from the grail, which
means that we've both got —Covid.

No! Immortality.

And we defeated a Nazi.
Yeah!

Well, kind of.
I dunno, it was a pretty good day.

Maybe the best day ever.
Best day ever.

What do you mean
they want me to play a cadaver?

Well, does he have any lines?

Oh, come on, Jackie, I went to RADA!

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