Original subtitles

Whoa.

Hey, look at that, Bill.

I'll bet you the first drink at Casey's

I can beat them into town.

Charlie, this is a supply wagon,

not a Roman chariot.

If you tried to race that fella,

you'd probably jerk the tongue right out of this outfit.

I take care of these wagons,

and they're ready to roll at all times. Hyah!

Wait a minute, Ben-Hur!

This isn't a coliseum. It's a road into town.

So, let's go the way we're supposed to.

Who is this Ben-Hur?

Well, you wouldn't know about him?

He used to drive chariots back in the Roman days.

You and your book-learnin'. Hyah!

Get a doctor! Someone get a doctor!

Get a doctor!

Get a doctor, someone!

Get a doctor!

Easy. Steady, men. The doc ain't in town.

He's out makin' a surgery call.

One of your passengers ailing?

I think she's dead. What?

The rest of the folks got out back at the way station.

They refused to ride further with a diseased woman.

But what could we do?

She paid her fare, just like the rest.

We figured we had a duty to get her to a doctor.

I reckon we didn't make it, did we?

She... She is dead, ain't she?

What's the matter?

Plague.

Bubonic plague.

You've gotta be mistaken, Casey!

Nobody ever heard of the plague this far from the coast.

Maybe she brought it with her from someplace else.

But I tell you, that poor woman in there, God rest her soul,

died of the bubonic plague.

I know, I've seen it too many times.

On the waterfront in San Francisco.

Then I'm gettin' her out of there

before this coach ain't a fittin' place to ride in.

You're going to do nothin' of the kind.

Look, it isn't that we don't have respect for the dead,

but we've got to think of the living, too.

You get that woman out of here

just as fast as you can.

We're not drivin' another foot

with the plague that close to us.

You'll drive to perdition of you have to,

but you're not gonna endanger the lives of these people,

who, for the most part, are me own good customers. Up you get!

What are you doin'?! You can't do this to me.

What are you trying to do?

Off you get, as fast you can.

Drive like the devil himself was after you!

Go! Hyah!

I sure hope he don't catch the plague,

being so near to his passenger.

He's been near to her for a long time, hasn't he?

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he didn't have it already.

Casey, you bundled that man out of town so fast,

he forgot the lady's luggage.

Well, I'm just thinkin' that it'll do her just as much good here

as it would on the stage.

What'd you say, Flo?

Nothin'. I didn't say nothin'.

Somebody said something...

The saints preserve us!

A baby!

I bet you what you like

that's the child of that poor woman on the stagecoach.

Of course it is. The poor little...

Don't touch it, Flo! Why not?

Because it's cursed with the plague.

I saw it wipe out hundreds of innocent people.

Oh, Casey. No!

Casey, it's just a little bit of a baby.

Why, it's no sicker than you and I are.

Oh, look. The doc will say the same thing

when he gets back.

He will, huh?

And what are we going to do with it until he comes back?

We'll just have to find somebody

who can take care of him,

somebody who knows about babies.

Flo, you can't ask anyone to do a thing like that.

Casey's right, Flo. We can't take a chance.

We gotta get rid of it somehow.

How do you get rid of a baby?

Put it on a horse and have it ride out of town?

Flo, be sensible, will you?

I am being sensible, and I'm the only one around here who is.

Look, um, why don't we leave it

over in the doc's office?

Oh, yes, sure. And it can cook its dinner

on Doc's stove, huh?

No, no, Flo, not at all.

But it'll be safe there.

And since you don't seem to mind, you can feed it.

Oh, I'll feed it, all right.

And it won't be in the way, either.

It won't be in Doc's office.

Wait, you don't mean to tell me

that you're gonna put it in my saloon, do you?

I am... in my own room,

where it can't possibly harm any of your courageous customers.

Oh, I'm agin what you're doin', Flo.

Well, I'm agin what you're tryin' to do.

Some of you take this up to Flo's room. Go on.

Uhh!

Casey! Since when don't you say hello

to an old friend you haven't seen in a year?

Bill Hawks! How are you?

Hey, that's a good way to get your block knocked off!

Yeah, who's gonna help you?

The same group that helped me last time.

Say, did they ever heal up?

Certainly, they're back in training inside,

arguin' about who's gonna supply the goat

for the barbeque at the Irish annual outdoor picnic

on the 4th of July.

Maybe you can stay over it, huh?

We'd sure like to, but we're a little behind schedule.

Old Charlie and I just came in to pick up some supplies.

Charlie Wooster, you mean?

You mean you've got that bewhiskered little devil with you?

Right over at Clem's. Come on.

Hey, Charlie! Look who I found!

Casey, how are you?

Charlie, you old... Take it easy!

You'll crush my drinkin' arm.

I wouldn't dream of that.

Do you know I made more money on you the last day you were here

than I did all the days since? Is that so?

Hey, now that I remember, you were the one

that started that fight last year.

Then you went over in a corner, made a lot of bets,

got a chair, sat down, and watched us do all the work.

There's not gonna be any fightin' this time.

Do you know that it took me three solid months

to replace that beautiful mirror behind the back bar?

All right, the first one's on me!

Wait a minute. We gotta get those supplies first.

Then we'll see you later, Case.

Just one, Bill. I don't think so.

Come on, please. Ever since the Major

hid his private stock from me,

I've had enough dust in my throat to plant a peck of spuds.

Irish spuds, that is.

All right, Charlie.

You go have just that one,

and I'll go see that Clem starts fillin' the order,

then you come back and help me load 'em.

One... that's what I said.

Keep your eyes on him, Casey.

You know how he is when he gets full of...

Well, you know how he is.

Don't I just! Come on, Charlie!

And I'm tellin' you for the last time...

It's a goat from me own herd

you'll be findin' on the barbeque spit,

or there'll be no celebratin' at all

for the Irish this 4th of July.

You're daft, McClure.

We'll not be eatin' any tough old goat

like you forced on us last year.

This year, we'll be feasting

on a tender, succulent young kid from me own herd.

Is that so?

And we'll arrive at this conclusion

in a gentlemanly manner,

like the gentlemen that we are.

And you can be havin' the first roll of it.

Oh, thank you.

Casey, your bar looks better every year.

Ah, yes. How do you like that new mirror?

Oh, shamrocks again.

Well, like I said, the first one's on me.

Right. There we go.

Very proud of that. Cost me an awful lot of money.

What do you think you're doin'?

I promised Bill I was only gonna have one, you know.

Ah. You sure you wouldn't like a bucket?

Boy, when I get my hands on that little...

That's one round apiece.

You always were the lucky one, McClure.

Yes, well, we'll have to break the tie.

Go on, Casey, go on.

Oh, yes.

It was the most extraordinary thing altogether.

It was just after we sent the stagecoach on its way,

when we discovered this little baby

among the luggage that was left. A little baby?

A darlin' little baby.

Too bad it was exposed to the plague, though.

The plague?

Yes, the plague.

Well, that's bad, bad.

Bad? It's terrible.

Poor little darlin'. What are they gonna do with it?

How do I know? Nobody in town wants it.

Maybe you could raise it.

What do you mean? Me, raise it?

A baby with the plague?

You've taken leave of your senses.

No, you don't.

Poor little thing.

Nobody wants it.

Poor little darlin' has to be raised in a saloon.

Well, that settles it.

I, Patrick McClure, will kill the kid.

I heard what you said.

Indeed?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

sayin' a thing like that. Like what?

Don't try to lie. I heard you say you were gonna kill the kid.

That's right, I said it. You'll really do it?

Naturally, I'm the only man for the job.

Everybody knows that.

If you do, you'll have to fight your way

through Charlie Wooster.

Hmm.

Bill boy!

BILL: I'll have that first drink now.

Bill!

Where you been for the last two hours?

Might as well get the job done.

Bill! I'll stop him myself!

So, it's a fight you want!

What's the matter with you?

Hold it, boys! No fightin' in here!

Ooh! Poor Bill.

I thought I told you there'd be no fightin' in here!

Same old Bill.

Yeah.

Oh, if you're not the prettiest baby

I ever saw in my life!

Now, come on, we're supposed to get to sleep now.

Oh, hi. Would you ask Casey to keep it quiet out there?

How's he expect me to get this baby to sleep with all that noise?

Miss Flo, Casey wants you to go to the doctor's office

and see if you can find any medicine for that plague.

Oh, all right.

I'll be right back. You stay with this nice man.

Here, you take him.

Heavy baby.

There. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You don't look like no plagued baby to me.

And even if you was plagued,

can you imagine anyone killin' a cute little kid like you?

No, sir. Not while old Uncle Charlie's around.

Now, you get in here now. Right in the basket.

Ain't nobody gonna bother you.

Get my hand out now. Put your feet down.

Here we go.

Well...

Come on.

It's a grand sight, isn't it?

You haven't changed a bit.

Look what we have here.

A new customer. Good-bye!

Just like old times, huh?

I swear I'll murder the hooligan

that breaks my mirror.

Behind you!

Here you go.

Put this there.

And this over here.

Don't talk.

You be quiet. Shh.

Hyah! Hyah!

Casey.

No, don't! You ignorant hooligan!

Oh, my word!

You just wait there.

Come here, silly. Come here.

I think we deserve that drink now.

Oh, I think your friend there

hasn't had enough yet.

I think he will this time, Casey.

Watch out for the...

Ohh.

How about that drink now, Case?

CASEY: It's a very good idea.

As a matter of fact, I'll join you myself.

Look out behind you!

Oh, no.

Why, you...

Oh, me mirror.

Me lovely, beautiful mirror.

Now look what you've done.

What I did?

You bewhiskered old goat, I'll murder you!

Aw, Casey, he didn't meant to do it. It was a mistake.

Shut up! You're worse than he is!

You sent him in here in the first place!

Just send the bill to the Major.

Hey, Casey! Hold your temper!

Hold me temper? What should I do, kiss them?!

Oh, boy! That shotgun looked like a cannon!

Hang on! Hyah!

Oh, how'd you break it?

How did I break it? They broke it!

And they ran off and didn't pay me.

How could they? You ran 'em out of here so fast.

I couldn't find that medicine you sent me over there for.

What medicine?

Well, you did it again, didn't you?

What did I do?

It's gettin' so it ain't safe to take you to town anymore.

It ain't safe to... Give me lines! Hyah!

Take it easy! I got a ba...

You got a what?

I got a bad headache for all that drinkin'.

You'll have worse when the Major gets through with you.

He can't move the train out without these supplies!

Slow it down just a little bit!

Yeah, I'll slow it down!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hyah! Giddyap!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

What in blazes are you two runnin' that team for?

They got a lot of miles to go yet today.

I told him to take it easy, Major.

Ben-Hur, huh?

Thanks a lot. We didn't want to hold you up, Major.

They why did you hold me up?

If Bill hadn't been fightin' all day...

Fightin'? What do you mean?

He means I was fightin' with Clem

about the price of these supplies.

And I suppose Clem gave you that black eye.

What?

Well, no, stupid here was drivin'.

We're goin' along, he ran over a rock,

bounced up in the air, hit me in the eye with his elbow.

And where were you all day, in the saloon?

No, sir. Yes, sir.

Well, no, sir. Well, I had one.

How many? Two, maybe.

That'll be the day.

All right, Bill, pull 'em into line.

Charlie, get back up into the lead wagon where you belong.

Whew!

Bill, why don't you drive the Major for a while?

He told you to drive. You're his driver.

But I got this... I got a headache,

and I don't think I could stand for him bellowin'

about us being late for the next three or four hours.

It'd serve you right if you had to.

How many drinks did you have anyway?

Well... two.

Charlie.

Pretty big ones.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Take 'em! I got 'em.

Thanks!

Hey, Casey! Casey! The baby's gone!

Casey, did you hear me?

Yes, I do.

And I'm thinkin' it's a good thing, too.

You had something to do with this, didn't you?

I did not. Then who did?

How do I know? Some of the townspeople, maybe.

Oh, what do you suppose they could've done with it?

Look, the people around here aren't murderers, you know.

That baby's gonna be safe, perfectly safe.

It's my belief that the fella that was elected to do the job

is trying to get that baby back on the stagecoach...

where it belongs in the first place,

and where it'll be somebody else's problem.

I bet you they did it while that fight was goin' on out here.

You sent me out for some medicine about that time.

During the fighting? Are you daft, woman?

While I was busy defending life and limb...

and me property?

Just as I thought.

It was that fella from the wagon train... the one with the beard.

He got me out of my room on purpose

so he could steal that baby.

Who, Charlie Wooster?

That bewhiskered old nanny goat?

What would he want with a baby for?

I don't know, but I know one thing...

That's where that baby is... on that wagon train.

Good, splendid!

Then it's no concern of ours anymore,

as it shouldn't have been from the start.

Look, don't fret yourself about it, Flo.

I suppose you're right.

Of course I'm right. The best thing we could do

is to pretend that we never even heard of it.

Right?

There's a good girl.

Ooh.

Whoa, son.

Hyah!

Shh!

Shh! You want to get us in trouble already?

Baby! Baby!

Shh! Shh!

You want the Major to hear you? You know what he'll do?

He'll make me take you right back to Apache Flats.

And no tellin' what them old mean people will do to you.

Shh! Be quite, will you?

Please, please. And be brave, too.

Oh, all right. Keep your pants on.

I'll see if I can find you another pair.

Shh!

Shh!

Let me see.

I don't remember how they did this.

Take...

Imagine that.

Suddenly comes to me, I think.

Shh! I'll be right there.

Shh! That's it.

Funny. Just the way I remember.

This ought to do the job, little fella.

I don't know much about this,

but I'm willin' to take a chance if you are.

Say, don't suppose you're old enough to tell me your name.

How about Johnny? I'll just call you Johnny, huh?

Oh. On second thought,

I guess I'd better call you...

Mary.

Let's see, now. Supposed to go this way.

Little feet up here.

I bet that feels better.

Now you're ready for Sunday School.

Whoa! Whoa!

Charlie!

Whew! If you ever felt like being quiet,

now's the time to do it. Shh. Please.

Wooster! Yes, Major?

What in tarnation do you think you're doin'?

Trekkin' a new trail to California?

Where are the wagons?

Where do you think they are?

They're over there where they belong!

Why aren't you over there?

Well, I was busy back there in the wagon,

and I didn't notice we were out of line.

How do you expect to notice where you are

if you're gonna drive from the back end of a wagon?

What's that flour doin' all over you? You bakin' a cake?

Flour? Oh, yeah!

Flour, that's it.

That's what I said... flour.

That's right. The flour upset back there.

I was back there tryin' to straight it up.

And I didn't notice we were gettin' of the trail.

You think you can find your way back to the train?

Or shall I send a driver over to help you?

I can make it, I'm sure.

You sure you're all right now?

Sure. I'll make it. I'll make it now.

Then hurry up! I want to make camp right away!

Yes, sir. I'll be right there in no time at all.

Nelly! Nelly, hyah!

Borrow a little milk.

Boy, this has been a long day.

Sure has. Charlie?

Charlie!

Where is that little coot?

He ought to have supper almost ready by now.

He's hasn't even lit the fire yet.

I'll start it. He'll be along in a minute.

He's been acting kind of funny lately.

The first time I ever knew him

to want to drive a supply wagon.

I just got a hunch.

I wonder if he's been nipping again.

Why do you say that?

You know, I noticed in my foot locker,

there's a whiskey bottle missing.

It's funny how you lose your taste for this stuff all of a sudden.

Oh, what do you know about it?

If it hadn't been for some of this same stuff,

you and I wouldn't never met.

I guess I was an old fool to do what I done,

but I just couldn't stand to see anybody

harm a little baby like you.

Besides, ain't nothin' wrong with you.

You ain't as sick as I am, you know.

You never will be if you stay away from this stuff.

I wouldn't even do that for the Major.

Anyway...

you and I are stuck together for a few days...

Till we hit another town anyway.

And there must be a lot of folks in any town

that would like to have a nice little baby like you.

I won't tell anybody, either...

About them folks in Apache Flats being scared.

So, no harm will come to you.

You just stick with old Uncle Charlie.

I'll take care of you. Don't you worry about that.

That'll be enough.

My first feeding.

Hey, there's something missing on this thing.

Say... how about the Major's gloves?

The old Major will never miss one anyway.

Then maybe sometime we'll get a one-armed man on the train.

Say...

this is gonna be all right, baby.

Here, what do you think of this?

Right from the cow, still nice and warm. Here, take it.

You like it, huh?

I'd rather have a nice cold beer myself.

If there's anything I hate,

it's hot milk right from the cow. Phew!

Shh.

Shh.

Shh. Shh.

Charlie?

Yes, Major?

What was that?

Coyotes, I guess. Been hearing 'em all night.

Hmm?

Tell 'em to shut up.

Shut up!

What'd you say?

I just told 'em to shut up.

Shh!

We almost got caught that time.

Yeah, I know, I know. But just be quiet.

I'll go out and get the milk warmed,

and I'll be right back and change your britches.

You be quiet. Shh.

Bill.

Shh.

What are you doin' up this late?

Well, I woke up... Shh!

Come here.

Shh, shh.

I woke up... Shh.

I woke up and saw your coffee pot steamin',

figured on pourin' myself a cup, so I did.

But you got a surprise, didn't you?

Oh, no, Charlie. I always expect

to get hot milk out of a coffee pot.

Well, I woke up and I couldn't sleep,

so I warmed up a little milk.

It's very good for you, makes you sleep.

Charlie if I didn't know that I was dreamin',

I would say that you have said at least 100 times

how you hate milk.

But I learned to like it... hot.

Good for you, huh?

Very good, makes you sleep.

Well, here. What is it?

Hot milk. You don't want to waste it.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Well? Drink it...

before it gets cold.

Good? Great stuff.

Makes you fall asleep right away.

I want to tell you something, mister.

If you don't have coffee in that pot in the morning,

that man over there will put you to sleep all day

with a whack on the chin.

Enjoy your milk.

You'll wake him up.

I never had much chance to pick up a little baby like you

till I found you.

Think you'll be all right if I try?

Ah, there you go.

Here we go. Gonna have some nice milk, too.

Warm milk.

Here, how's that?

Say, I think you kind of like your Uncle Charlie.

I'm beginning to see why folks get married

and have little babies like you.

But I guess it's too late for an old poke like me.

I was always so busy

tryin' to keep from gettin' hogtied by some woman,

that I didn't know what I was missin'.

Now I know I'm dreamin' this whole thing.

Bill, don't you breathe a thing you see.

Listen to what I'm about to tell you.

Charlie, you can't keep a secret like this from the Major forever.

I'm not talking about forever.

Just for a few more days till we get to Rockville.

What are you so afraid that he might do if he does find out?

I don't know, but I can't take a chance

on him making me take her back to Apache Flats.

He might not believe that story about them tryin' to kill her.

He might also say that I had too much to drink.

Well, didn't you?

It don't make any difference.

I know what I know.

He'd be reedin' me off all the way to California

for bringin' a plagued baby on the train.

You know that. Can't you just hear him?

Yeah, I have to admit that I can.

Am I askin' too much? Just help me get her to a safe place.

Charlie, I won't say anything.

But it sure isn't gonna be easy.

What's so dang hard about you keepin' your big mouth shut?

That's what you always tell me, both of you.

I was just thinkin' how much fun I'd have

ribbin' for the next ten years

for goin' soft over a sweet little thing like that.

I ain't, either. It sure looks like it.

I'm just trying to save a human being's life, that's all.

Well, a baby's almost human, ain't it?

Now, Mr. Casey, since you're the one

who forced the driver to leave without my grandchild,

I'm holding you legally responsible until I get him back.

Hold on there, Mr. Brenton. How was I to know

that I was causin' him to abandon it

on me own doorstep?

Ignorance of the law is no excuse, right?

Absolutely right, Mr. Brenton.

And I'm not man who makes idle threats, Mr. Casey.

Right, Matt?

Absolutely right, Mr. Brenton.

Mr. Brenton owns the bank in Coon Rapids.

He's very influential.

Is that a fact, now?

A two-year-old could see that.

He can make it pretty tough on somebody

if his grandson isn't returned safely.

Really? Well, there's one thing he can't do.

And what might that be?

You can't make that baby your grandson

just by sayin' so, because it's a girl.

Girl?

Well...

perhaps you're right. I'm right.

You see, I didn't even know my daughter had a child.

She was returning home after the death of her husband.

I hadn't heard from her since the day she ran off to get married.

I bet I know why she did that.

I'll advise you to hold your tongue, young lady.

Madame.

And I suggest, Mr. Brenton,

that you follow your own advice.

Maybe you don't know it, but you owe a debt of gratitude

to this young lady here.

Without her, who knows what would've happened to the baby?

She risked her life to guard and protect it...

A baby, mind you, whose mommy died of the plague.

My daughter didn't die of any plague.

I beg to differ with you, sir.

I saw the poor woman with me own two eyes.

Are you a doctor, Mr. Casey?

Am I a doctor!

It's plain to see, Mr. Brenton,

that I'm a dispenser of various types of refreshments.

Then I'll go by Dr. Scott's diagnosis.

She did not die of a contagious disease.

Is that a fact, now?

Yes. Now, if you'll be good enough

to tell me where my grandson...

Granddaughter is.

Well, to tell the exact truth...

it's our belief that the little darlin' is on a wagon train,

headin' for California.

Wa... Wagon train?

California?

♪ Wooster is a busy man ♪

♪ Cooks his vittles in a pan ♪

♪ Picks his choppers with his knife ♪

♪ Will he ever find a wife? ♪

♪ Now, don't you cry, baby-kins ♪

♪ Don't you holler and don't you hoot ♪

♪ If you cry now, baby-kins ♪

♪ I will bang you in the snoot ♪

♪ Now, don't you cry, baby-kins ♪

♪ Little one with double chins ♪

♪ If you cry now, baby-kins ♪

♪ I will kick you in the shins ♪

I wouldn't kick you in the shins! Ha ha! You know that.

Charlie! What are you tryin' to do?

Spook every goldarn horse in the whole outfit?

What's the matter? Don't you like my singing?

I wouldn't like it even if that's what it was!

♪ Charlie Wooster is a busy man ♪

♪ Cooks his vittles in a pan ♪

♪ Picks his choppers with his knife ♪

♪ Will he ever find a wife? ♪

Casey!

20, 30, 40, 50.

Thanks for the loan, Major Adams.

Just charge it to Major Adams.

He'll take care of everything.

Why don't you boys go to town again?

Looks like I'll be makin' this trip for nothin'.

When you do make that next trip,

do me the favor of bypassin' my place.

Will you stop this foolishness, Mr. Casey?

Tell the Major exactly what the culprit looked like.

I'll do better than that, Mr. Brenton.

I'll name him for you.

It was none other than that old reprobate,

Charlie Wooster himself, that stole the baby.

Charlie? That's right.

Now, I'd like a cup of coffee, Major.

Right over there.

Thanks again, Bill. Yeah.

Old stupid, huh? Elbow, huh?

Ow!

Sore?

I've had a strange feeling

that something happened back at Apache Flats

that you boys didn't tell me about.

Now, what is this about Wooster stealing a baby?

I had a little fight in Casey's...

Little fight, huh? $50 worth.

Oh, he's a high-binder, you know that.

We had to leave in a hurry.

And if Charlie had a baby in that supply wagon,

I didn't know about it.

Bill Hawks, if you're lyin' to me, so help me...

It's the truth, Major. Believe me.

All right, Bill.

All right.

Mr. Brenton, it looks to me

like you're barkin' up the wrong tree.

May I point out, Major...

Your train is still within the jurisdiction

of this law officer.

And I intend to prosecute to the fullest

the culprit who deliberately did this terrible thing.

Surely you must've heard what Bill just said.

Yes. Perhaps he's telling the truth. Perhaps he isn't.

So, I intend to conduct a thorough search of this train

just to make sure.

It's only fair to warn you that legally,

I can hold up this wagon train

until a thorough search is made.

You got a search warrant, Sheriff?

Well, no...

Well, let me tell you something.

Just because you're wearin' that badge

doesn't make you man enough to hold up this train

from movin' on schedule.

It so happens that I'm a law-abiding citizen.

So, I'm gonna let you two search this train,

but you'd better through with that search by 6:00 tomorrow morning.

'Cause that's when we pull out.

And if you're in the way, you get run over.

You can start by searchin' my wagon right there.

Thank you, Major.

Come over here.

Where is that old goat?

I don't know. I'll go find him.

You better find him, and goldarned quick.

I'll have to stay here with these two buzzards

and see that nobody takes a shot at 'em.

Now, get movin'.

Well?

Stealin' babies.

Charlie?

Shh.

Close your eyes.

Evening, Grandma.

Evening, Major.

One of these gentlemen here, Mr. Brenton,

is looking for his infant granddaughter.

It seems that someone stole the child.

He thinks it might be on the train.

I've tried to convince him otherwise,

but he insists on searching the whole outfit.

You might if he takes a look at your little brood here?

I fail to see what's so funny about it.

Tell him, Major.

It's like this, Mr. Brenton...

Grandma Mercer here raised 13 of her own children.

And now she's raisin' 13 that belong to one of those 13.

I hardly think it's likely that she'd steal somebody else's.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Do you mean all those belong to just one of your daughters?

Every last one of 'em.

Count 'em. If there's more than 13,

you can have what's left over.

1, 2, 3...

Don't be a bigger fool than you already are! Go on!

Psst!

Where in the blazes have you been?

Been hiding the baby, and I've got her

where nobody would ever find her...

Right the middle of all them Mercer kids. Nothing'll happen to her.

You're all wrong about this.

That man out there is the baby's granddaddy.

He wants her back. There wasn't any plague after all.

And you're in more trouble now than you've ever been.

The old man's got the law with him,

and he swears he's gonna have the man hung

that took his grandchild.

As a matter of fact,

we're both in plenty of hot water.

Strictly speaking, I didn't lie to the Major,

but I did convince him that you didn't have anything to do with this.

Thanks. I knew I could depend on you.

Yeah, but it was real stupid of me to do that.

When he finds out what a fool we made out of him,

we'd be better off havin' that Brenton hang us.

What do you intend to do about it?

I'm gonna take you to the Major,

and you can tell him whatever you want to,

but I don't want to have any more to do with it.

I thought you was my friend.

Aw, Charlie, I'll think of something.

Hey, I've got it.

I'll make a deal with Brenton.

He'll be so happy to see that little grandchild of his,

he'll forget all about prosecuting the person that took it,

especially if that's the only way that he can get it back.

By gosh, that's what I'll do.

You mean I have to give her back?

Sure you have to. He's a blood relation.

He's got all the legal right in the world to this baby.

Now, listen...

you go back down to the Major's wagon

and wait until I come back.

And don't move. You understand?

Yeah, I understand.

What?! That's the truth.

Well, it's about time! Shh!

When we left Apache Flats,

I didn't know anything about this.

That's what I told you. So I didn't lie to you.

That'll do for a lie till one comes along.

You wait till I get my hands on that addle-brained old galoot.

Should we go and talk to...

I'll talk to Brenton myself, goldarnit.

Mr. Brenton?

It seems like there's been some kind of a misunderstanding.

I think we can clear this whole thing up very shortly.

You have word of the child?

Yes, I do.

You can have her back on one condition.

Condition?

That is that you don't have the man arrested

that took the child.

You call protecting a criminal law-abiding?

In the first place, there was no criminal intent involved.

The man took the child because he thought he was saving her life.

In the second place, I'm not covering up for anybody.

This is the man's own proposition to you.

If you want that child back,

I would suggest that you forget about getting even with him

and take things as they are.

I want my grandchild, of course.

Make no mistake about that.

So, I have no choice but to do what you suggest.

Come on, I'll show you where she is.

9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

Must be some mistake, Major.

No extra one here.

What kind of a trick is this?

I don't know, but I'm sure gonna find out.

Major? Yeah, Bill.

Charlie's gone. He took a horse.

He's gone?

That settles that. Saddle up our horses. We'll find him.

Well, if he wasn't a criminal before,

he certainly is now, wouldn't you say?

Don't you worry none, baby-kins.

We ain't gonna stop here long.

Just long enough to get all this warm milk

in your little stomach.

Ain't nobody gonna catch up with us.

We're gonna head north from here,

and I'll find us a little place

long before the milk has a chance to turn.

Like that?

We're gonna go on the horse, too.

Horsey-back.

Whoo!

Good milk.

Good milk.

Here we go bye-bye again, on the horsey.

SHERIFF: Stay where you are, Wooster! You're under arrest!

This is the sheriff!

I'm holding you responsible

for the safety of Mr. Brenton's grandchild!

WOOSTER: Hold it right where you are!

Don't come any nearer, or I'll shoot, and I mean it.

Be careful with that. Don't you shoot till you're...

Don't shoot at all!

Charlie!

You cut that out!

Goldarnit, put down that gun and stop this foolishness!

I quit! I ain't workin' for you anymore!

I'm leavin' the wagon train!

What do you mean, you quit?

Have you lost what little sense you did have?

I said, I quit! You go on away from me and leave me alone.

Take them vultures with you before I start shootin'!

Bill, there's something wrong with him.

I think he's slipped a cog.

I didn't think he'd go this far.

We're just wastin' time...

Just hold on, Mr. Brenton.

Somebody's liable to get hurt.

There's something wrong with him.

Charlie! Listen to me!

You can't keep Mr. Brenton's baby!

You gotta give him up, you understand?

Charlie, do you hear me?

I'm comin' over there.

Don't do it, Major!

So help me, I'll shoot you!

Charlie, I'm comin' over there.

You feel you've got to shoot, go ahead.

Don't be a fool. You'll get killed.

I don't think so.

Bill, stay here and make sure that our brave sheriff

doesn't get itchy fingers.

Charlie, I'm droppin' my gun belt!

I just want to talk to you.

Charlie?

All right.

Go ahead and say it.

I know I'm a stupid old goat...

Should be hangin' by a rope.

What got into me?

I wouldn't blame you or Bill...

if you never spoke to me again.

I knew I couldn't get away with it.

Don't even know why I done it.

Major... please.

I don't know why I done it.

Honest.

It's all right, Charlie.

I guess all of us have gotta have something to love.

Something that loves us.

Major, I bet you're just like me.

I bet you never held a baby in your arms.

Go on, hold her.

Take her, please.

No, Charlie. You keep her.

You bring her back to Mr. Brenton.

Da-da.

Major!

Did you hear that?

She called me Daddy.

Charlie...

I wonder if you could help me out with a little problem.

Maybe.

Here, you hold the baby for a second.

Well, well, well.

You see, Charlie, never having heard from my daughter

about the baby,

and not finding a birth certificate among her effects,

I just don't have a name for the little one.

I thought maybe you'd like to help me name her.

Well, I've been callin' her Mary.

I guess you wouldn't like that.

I've been thinking, Charlie... if you have no objections,

I'd like to name her after you.

Me? Charlie?

That's a funny name for a girl, ain't it?

Mm-hmm. But we could call her Charlene, couldn't we?

Charlene.

Say... that's not a bad idea.

Charlene.

It's all settled, then.

Now, then, your Uncle Charlie and I

both name you Charlene.

You hear that? Charlene.

You know, I think she likes it.

I'll take good care of her, I promise.

I know you will.

And you're welcome to come by Coon Rapids

and see her any time you're around.

Thank you. Yeah.

I don't know much about babies, Charlie.

I thought maybe you could give me a couple of pointers

before I leave.

Well, I'll tell you one thing for sure.

She don't like her milk cold. You gotta warm it up for her.

And another thing... when you change her little britches,

always look for a little pink rash she gets.

I found that just old common flour

is the best thing in the world for that, clear it right up.

Found that out by accident. When I first got her, I used a flour sack,

and there she was, cleared up right away.

Oh, and I can give you an old whiskey bottle, too.

It's got a leather nipple on it, you know.

She kind of caught on to that.

And this is very important...

When I used to feed her the bottle,

she'd take the bottle all right, but then when she got through,

her little face would get red and squished up.

Then I patted her on her little back.

And one day, she almost crawled up on me like this.

I held her there and patted her like that,

and she went, "Burp!" Then she started to laugh.

I think that's important... Make the baby laugh.

Yeah, little doll.

Ha ha ha!