Original subtitles

WOOSTER: Major Adams!

Major! Major!

Them Baltimore folks, they moved their wagon!

Why is it that troubles always come in bunches, like bananas?

I don't know.

Are you sure they pulled out of the circle, Charlie?

Major, would I lie?

Well, that's a debatable point.

By golly, I'll find out about this.

MAJOR ADAMS: There's a woman back there in a wagon

who is as miserable as any human being I've ever seen.

Oh, dear God...

what shall I do?

This much I knew about Laurie and Ricky Bell...

Whatever it was that tore these people apart

took root and grew

long before they decided to go west.

Not the proper hour to get out of one's bed,

or into it.

I've found a new dear friend who will sign a note for me.

After all, Laurie, money isn't everything.

My good man, tomorrow you can

seek yourself another position. You're fired.

Oh, Mr. Bell, if it's my wages that are upsetting you,

you needn't be distressed. I still trust you, sir.

Take it.

You are a creditor worthy of a gentleman.

Yes, you are truly a gentleman's gentleman.

Gentlemen, excuse me.

Would you mind letting your poor, dear, tired wife in?

Jacob, as I replenish the Bell fortune,

I promise that you shall be among the first to receive

every quid for sweat and tears down through the years.

Yes, you shall be fully compensated for 12 years of married loyalty.

Poor Jacob.

He's suffered every minute with me.

Every red cent, Jacob, plus interest.

Mr. Bell, you're not jesting.

You're telling me that I'm discharged.

Yes, Jacob,

Mr. Richard is telling you to go,

and me to go,

and the whole world to go.

It's not you, Jacob, it's me.

I'm a failure. A miserable failure.

Mr. Bell, if you don't mind my saying so,

it's not your breeding that's caused your circumstances,

it's your excessive... charm, sir.

Well, thank you, Jacob.

I shall have your words chiseled in polished marble,

plus the sad statement that I failed to heed your advice,

and thus became... a failure.

It's a great talent I have, Jacob...

Yes, sir. Yes.

For not being able to make any money.

I'm nothing but a butterfly.

A social butterfly.

And there's nothing for me to do

but just fly away completely.

Is that all?

Is there anything else?

A promise that you'll never keep.

Laurie, if a family is so important to you...!

I'll be gone tomorrow.

Ricky...

please, come on, now.

You'd better get some sleep.

You'll upset all your plans and miss the wagon train.

You don't think I'm going to do it, do you?

You think I made all these plans,

all these arrangements, just to plague you.

You don't think I have the courage to go west.

No, you have the courage.

You'll do as you plan.

You want me to go.

We have no other choice.

We don't?

Ricky, you may never grow up,

and I may never have a family,

but if we don't have each other,

we'll have nothing, will we?

Laurie.

You'll go with me?

I love you, Ricky.

For some strange reason,

I love you more now than I did 12 million years ago,

when we were first married.

Yes, I'll go with you.

You're all I have.

The belle of Baltimore on a wagon train.

That'll sure be something to see.

It'll be no funnier than you in leather britches.

Laurie, maybe we'll find each other,

as the poets say, under the big sky.

Oh, I love you, Laurie.

You do as I've instructed, and you'll be fine.

Doctor, you couldn't be wrong.

Well, I could, but you couldn't.

Thank you.

Laurie, my darling,

everything's taken care of.

We're now the proud owners of a fine wagon;

of pork and bacon and beans

and shovels and ropes and two rifles,

with 500 rounds of ammunition;

two cots, from the Rebel side, of course;

plus assorted supplies and equipment

without which I'm told we couldn't possibly conquer the West;

and an irrevocable and nonrefundable contract

for passage west on Seth Adams' wagon train...

All of the aforementioned

having reduced our working capital

to two paltry coppers

that won't even buy a decent drink

to launch us at daybreak tomorrow.

Irrevocable? And nonrefundable.

Yes, Laurie, we've taken the giant step.

Nothing shall keep us from our appointed way.

Not snow nor sleet nor dark of night.

Well, there is one thing.

Yeah, yeah, but come on, pet.

You'd better start doing all those little things a woman has to do

before she can even cross the street,

because we are about to cross a continent.

Now, go powder your nose or something.

I said there is one thing.

All right, honey, go on, make your funny.

A baby.

A baby? Yeah! Yeah, that is funny.

Not snow nor sleet nor dark of night

nor a baby...

A baby?

Laurie, that just doesn't fit.

Well, then, I'll spell it for you.

B-A-B-Y.

N-O! No!

Yes!

You're sure?

Yes.

Why, there must be some mistake.

Come on, we'll go see a doctor.

But I've been to the doctor.

When? Today.

You mean the doctor in this one-horse town?

Well, you've picked a fine time!

That's all I can say...

You've certainly picked a fine time!

Ricky, stop it!

You're behaving like a spoiled, jealous brat.

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times...

When things are right, then you can start to have a family!

Well, I didn't think you'd be as happy about it as I am,

but I certainly didn't expect this sort of...

What did you expect? To go out there on the prairie behind the bushes and have it?

That'll do!

Now, don't you dare say one more word like that about my having this child.

Well, before I wend my way to the nearest saloon to get saturated,

suppose you tell me just what happens now?

What are you going to buy a bottle with?

I'll sell a side of bacon.

In your condition, you won't have any stomach for it anyway.

You can sell everything...

The wagon, the beans, the rope.

We're going to stay right here in St. Joe until I've had this baby.

Laurie, why don't you go back to Baltimore?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Oh, Laurie, Laurie,

why did you have to go and complicate our lives?

I? Yes, you!

Having a baby wasn't my idea!

You've ruined everything for us,

everything we had together.

Like what?

Like the chance I had to parlay that family property in San Francisco

into a little fortune

so I'd have something in my pocket besides bills,

but now...!

Now your days of thinking only of yourself are over,

because whether you like it or not,

you're going to be a father, and you're going to have...

to accept the responsibility. And how do I go about that?

By starting to treat you like a little mother?

That might be easier than going out and working for a living,

which you're certainly going to have to do.

And, pray tell me, what's the balance of my sentence,

sweet little mother?

When does the wagon train come back to St. Joe?

I don't know. Not for nine months, anyway.

The baby will be old enough by then to make the trip.

Where are you going?

To beg some credit from the telegraph operator

to send a frantic greeting to Aunt Elizabeth.

To come here? Well, sure.

Laurie, look, what do you know about raising a baby?

I'll learn.

All right, Aunt Elizabeth will teach you.

If she raised me and the rest of the Bell stable,

there's nothing she can't raise.

Laurie, would you, uh...

would you have an odd piece of silver tucked away someplace

for a rainy day?

You'd better tell Aunt Elizabeth to hurry.

It's gonna be a boy.

Sure.

Thank you.

Ricky.

Don't be jealous.

He'll get his own special kind of love.

He won't take anything from you.

You think not?

Charlie, it's only been nine months.

How many trips do you have to make?

I plum forgot. I'll take care of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Major, can you take care of the office?

Bill and me got a few odds and ends to take care of.

You take off, you'll wish you hadn't.

A man's got a right to...

take care of his own odds and ends, ain't he?

Nine months away from his home port, after all!

Business before pleasure, boys.

Have you ever heard that old expression "all work and no play"?

Do you know what? What?

Hello, Major.

It's good to see you again.

Well, howdy.

You... you don't remember me, huh?

I signed on with you for the last trip...

Ricky Bell, from Baltimore.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You're the tea party man.

Mm-hmm, and lawn party expert.

Oh, sure. How come you missed the last trip?

Well, I had a baby. You had a baby?

Charlie, didn't I tell you two to go take care of your odds and ends?

Now I've heard everything.

You haven't heard anything yet.

Now get before I change my mind.

So you had a baby, huh?

About two months ago. Boy or girl?

Boy. Laurie made up her mind to have a boy.

You could count on it.

Hm. You must be very happy.

Yes, I just spent the last nine months

out of the best years of my life

working for a blacksmith.

I've become another one of those victims

bound by the chains of society

in the temple of family responsibility.

I gained a son, lost a wife.

You look like a new man.

When... when are your wagons rolling again, Major?

'Bout a week. Why?

Your contract stipulates no refunds.

That's right. I don't want my money back...

but I'd sure appreciate it

if you could extend me full credit for this trip.

Oh, I see.

You want to use the passage money

that you paid for that other trip

for this new trip, huh?

That's right.

The contract says nothing about making one trip

instead of another.

Contracts can't always cover everything.

How was I to know that you were going to have a baby?

I know what you mean.

Even I wasn't emotionally prepared to become a mother.

All right, you've got full passage,

but I'll tell you one thing...

I'm gonna fix that contract.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna send this back to Baltimore.

We'll just have to find room for it.

Liz, the baby's crying!

I'm not deaf!

Shh.

When are you gonna learn he has to cry? It's good for him.

Well, then, why are you carrying him around?

I fed him not an hour ago. He's not hungry.

You won't listen to me.

I told you not to drink that gassy wine,

but oh, no, you know better!

Ricky and my having a little champagne

to celebrate getting out of St. Joe isn't going to upset that baby.

Oh, isn't it?

You'll find out that Aunt Elizabeth knows what she's talking about.

Yes, you're right.

Still think I should go with you.

Let's not start that again.

You've no right to gamble with this baby's health.

I promise I'll take very good care of my baby.

I've forgotten more about raising infants than you'll ever know.

Look, Liz, sooner or later, you're going to have to get over

this feeling you have for the child.

Don't make it more difficult for yourself.

Why?

He's more mine than he is yours.

Give him to me, Elizabeth.

No. No, he's mine...

Like all the rest.

I held him before he was dry.

He's more mine than he is yours. You understand? Mine!

All right, Elizabeth, he's yours.

Um... just let me hold him, will you? No!

Um... maybe he's hungry.

Don't you think I ought to feed him? No!

No, you're poisoning him.

You stay away!

From now on, do you hear me? You just stay away!

Give me my child. So help me, if you do anything...

Laurie!

No.

Aunt Elizabeth.

This is all the thanks I get!

You're just like all the rest!

You think I haven't got feelings!

You think I'm just useless!

You think I'm just a dried-up old spinster!

You think I'm to be pitied and thrown a bone like an old dog.

The only thing you want me for is just to watch babies!

Well, you'll get what you deserve.

You just wait and see.

You just remember what you've done to me.

That's what you'll be paying for.

That's what'll be makin' you suffer!

Laurie, try to understand her. Understand her?

Look, she doesn't mean it. Can't you see what's happened to her?

Yes, I see she's a vicious woman.

No, no. She feels as though she's lost every baby

that she's helped to raise.

She's paying the penalty for loving too much.

Then why does she do it again and again?

Because that's the only thing she has to live for.

Women like that should be in institutions.

No, Laurie. No, she's to be pitied.

You're taking her side?

You stood there and heard her put a curse on your child.

Now you defend her.

If you had to give up ten babies that you loved

as much as you love your own,

what would happen to you if you lost the 11th too?

No, I don't want to talk about it.

What difference does it make to you, anyway?

You don't even know he exists.

You wish he'd never been born, don't you?

If I were to wish that someone hadn't been born,

it'd be me.

Wagon train leaves in about a week,

if you still want to go.

I don't give a darn.

I do.

Wagons, ho!

Just remember, folks, I'm here to help you.

That's what I get paid for.

You might as well get your money's worth.

Well, how are the Bells doing this evening?

Is this trip anything like the tea party you thought it'd be?

Major, we haven't had so much fun since Laurie's coming out party.

Oh, this is Laurie.

Well, I figured right.

You just had to be pretty as a picture.

Thank you.

Would you mind my troubling you for some information?

Well, not at all, ma'am. Information's the easiest thing I can give out.

'Course, you might not always get the right answers,

but I guarantee you'll get an answer.

Well, would you tell me,

what's been your experience with infants traveling on the train?

Well, ma'am, I've got a kind of a theory

that babies like this trip better than grownups.

Seems like the rocking of the wagon sort of makes 'em happy.

Us old folks... you know, us old babies...

We get nothing but aches and pains.

I guess we must have had no less than

four or five hundred infants on this trip across the country,

and every one of 'em just loved it.

Any time you want to know about babies, you just ask me.

Thank you.

Say, this is quite a little fellow.

What do you call him? Ricky.

Oh, after his pa, huh?

Mm-hmm. 'Cept I call him Stinky,

so as not to get confused.

My husband has a very distorted sense of humor.

My wife has positively none

where the little stink is involved.

Ricky!

Are you barking at me, Laurie, or little Stinky?

See what I mean, Major?

I see what you mean.

There, there, now.

Well... good night, Major Adams,

and I apologize for my husband.

He's the stinker!

Major, you married?

No, no, I'm not.

Don't. Take my advice.

These little mothers are just about as useless as one shoe.

There you are. That's the way.

That's a boy.

You're managing to be particularly unpleasant tonight.

It's nothing. I wasn't even trying.

Oh, aren't you ever going to grow up?

Why bother? Babies get all the attention.

What?

Nothing.

There we are now.

I have to nurse the baby.

Would you put the flap down?

There's a cold draft.

There sure is.

WOMAN: You'll walk into hot coals and not know it.

I beg your pardon?

I knew it. A gentleman from the East.

Little ol' Mary can spot one every time.

You are talking to me?

Do I look like the type that spends time talking to myself?

No, I daresay you'd never have difficulty

finding somebody to talk with.

My, you're a big, tall one.

Sit down.

I'm getting a kink in the neck looking up at you.

My name's Ricky Bell, out of Baltimore.

That's nice.

And yours? I told you.

Maybe you were so impressed with me figuring you for a gentleman

that you didn't pay any attention.

Can you ever forgive me?

You smile at me, Mr. Bell, anything.

How do you do, ma'am.

I take it then that this healthy, outdoor living

doesn't make you want to jump with joy.

If you lived to be a hundred sucking in all this fresh air,

it wouldn't be worth it.

And how many years have you lived?

I was born 19 years ago. I've lived a hundred.

It doesn't show.

Yours does.

I beg your pardon?

How long have you been married?

Oh, 13 years.

I have lived a hundred.

You have been dead 13.

We're just made for each other.

You must be with the Madam McRaney group.

You know her?

I've never had the pleasure,

but I'd like you to tell her for me

that what the West needs, she's bringing in.

You're serious? I most certainly am.

You know, till a town has a theater,

it just isn't a town.

What is it? A watering trough.

Madam McRaney will like you.

That's nice.

Don't tell me you don't want to be liked.

It's only healthy to want to be loved.

Yes, you... You're so right, Mary.

You act like I insulted you or something.

Or something.

I guessed wrong. You're no gentleman.

I'm sorry, Mary.

What's eating you?

Wife trouble.

What makes you think that?

Would you really like to know?

Why...

maybe I'll tell you a lot of things.

Shh. Be quiet.

Where have you been? It's almost dawn.

I got an urge for some soft-shell crab,

so I stopped by the Lord Baltimore Hotel.

You know how things are.

One word leads to another, and...

Next it'll be oysters.

Then what? Hunting season.

Well, don't bother to come home.

Good night.

Laurie...

Laurie, couldn't we just talk for a minute?

You want to confess?

Yes.

Nothing important.

I just...

just thought it might be fun to tell you how much I love you.

Oh, Ricky.

You, Ricky, you're impossible.

You mustn't ever think that...

I love you less than I did

before we had our beautiful little stinker.

Promise me you won't ever leave me for a younger, pretty one.

I promise.

Put the lamp out.

You promise awfully easily.

Oh, I'll keep this one.

How can you be sure?

You really want to know?

Yes.

How can you be sure you'll never leave me

for a younger, pretty one?

Because I don't have the patience to train another one.

Ricky Bell,

you're a scoundrel.

That's only a small part of my charm, Mrs. Bell.

Oh, you clumsy thing! There, there, now. Shh.

Baby, that's all right.

Now, that's all right. Don't cry.

It's all right. No.

Ohh. There we are.

Hurry up, light the lamp, will you?

Oh, now, don't cry.

There, there. Shh.

There, there, now.

There, there, now. There's a baby.

Don't cry now.

There now. Shh.

There, there. That's better, isn't it?

There. Shh.

There. Shh.

Don't cry, now, little baby. There. Shh.

There, there, baby.

Major Adams! Major Adams! Oh, now, now, now!

My son Stanley, he's out in the woods

with one of Madam McRaney's dancing girls!

Get hold of yourself, Mrs. Blore.

You don't understand. He has a fever!

He'll be all right, don't you worry. Those girls...

He's stricken with plague fever! He's deathly ill!

Plague? Please, Major, do something.

I will, I will.

Boys, pass the word down the line

there's been a case of fever break out. Tell 'em not to panic.

Ask for volunteers to take care of the sick.

If they're not willing to do that, pick up what supplies they can spare...

Blankets, towels, bedding. Go on.

What about my Stanley? You can't leave him out there to die!

I don't intend to, Mrs. Blore.

It's all her fault!

It's nobody's fault! Now, listen to me!

Do you want to help your son or not?

Then show me where he is, will you?

Where's your missus?

Inside the wagon, feeding the heir to the Bell fortune.

Well, I hope you can think of a funny way to tell her that fever's broken out.

Nah, you tell her. If I open my mouth... Fever?

Yeah. The Major's asked for any spare supplies you might have...

and volunteer help. To do what?

To take care of the sick and bury the dead.

Now, if you can qualify for that,

why don't you go on down to the lead wagon?

Shh.

Are the diapers through boiling?

Not yet. Laurie, something I have to tell you.

We can chat later. Better finish the chores first, please.

Well, now, try not to get excited.

Well, you try. What's so important that it won't wait?

An epidemic's broken out in camp.

Of what?

Fever. That's all I know.

Well, hitch the horses.

Oh, no, Laurie, we can't run away.

No, not run away, but just get the wagon out of the circle.

Look, Laurie, what would happen

if everybody else tried to do the same thing?

You're just gonna stay here and let your son...?

Come on, now, please, hurry.

All right, Laurie, I'll move the wagon off a little distance,

but it'll have to be within shouting distance.

Why? Just in case you need me.

Well, where will you be?

Laurie, these people need all the help we can give 'em.

You're gonna help them? What about us?

I'll be right here if you need me.

Need you? I probably won't ever need you again as much!

Look, Laurie, don't you understand?

This is my big chance to be a hero.

You and your unfunny humor.

You picked a fine time to prove you're a man.

You don't care.

Maybe that's what it is, Laurie. Maybe I don't care.

I'm just as scared as you are, but I don't care.

You move this wagon out of the circle,

and stay with us, or... Or what?

Oh, if anything happens to this baby...

You won't know who to blame, me or Aunt Elizabeth.

Well, it's none of my business, but she's wrong.

She's acting like a mother bear, Major.

You asked for volunteers. I'm volunteering.

Trouble sure makes strange bedfellows. Come on.

I'd sooner fight Indians, flood, and famine

all at the same time

than take on an epidemic of fever.

I've seen it kill more men

than either Yankee or Rebel did with shot and shell.

Rick!

Rick Bell. Seth?

You know who I am?

Santa Claus.

You'll be all right, Ricky, you'll be all right.

Take it easy. I don't care, I don't care.

I'm gonna turn into a pumpkin, and I don't care.

Whoever you are, don't come any closer!

It's Major Adams. I've got to talk to you.

Well, then, go ahead.

Whatever your news, you can shout it from where you are.

I'd rather not shout what I have to say.

Then don't bother. Go away.

Your husband is deathly sick with a fever.

I thought you'd want to know.

No.

No!

Laurie, stop!

Do you know what you're doing?

Ricky's sick. He needs me. I've got to go to him!

Your baby needs you!

This can't happen. It can.

Otherwise, I wouldn't come out here.

What do you expect me to do?

Choose between my child and my husband?

I don't expect you to do anything.

I've done what I had to do. I've told you.

So?

So, do only what you have to do.

You're telling me to choose!

No, I'm not telling you to choose!

The time may come when you have to make a choice,

but don't do it till you have to.

If Ricky dies, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go to him.

Laurie Bell,

you can't do anything more than we're doing to help him right now,

but I promise you, I'll give you plenty of time to make your own decision.

Had no right to.

Oh, dear God, what shall I do?

Yes, you stop that.

That's... that's my dog, you understand me, sir?

Oh...

all right, come...

Come closer, Laurie.

My nose is frozen, and my toes, Laurie.

Laurie.

Laurie, I promise you this time.

Sure, honest.

Believe me, Laurie.

Some more lunch?

We having fun? Hm?

Sure!

What do you want a baby? What do you want a family for?

Kids for peasants.

Oh, you want a baby, a toy, something to play with,

I'll get you a little hound puppy dog.

I've never seen anything so cute in your life

as a little...

puppy hound dog.

He looks at you with his eyes like...

Laurie.

Oh, Laurie.

Ohh.

Here.

Here. Come here.

Hold on!

SETH ADAMS: For two days and two nights,

he tight-roped on the brink.

A hundred times, I made my decision to give him what he wanted

and let him die in peace,

but I just could not force myself to go and get Laurie.

Major Adams!

Major Adams!

Major Adams!

Get him! Get Major Adams!

WOOSTER: Major Adams! Here!

Major!

It's Laurie Bell. She's snapped. You'd better come quick.

Keep him covered. Yes, sir.

Easy.

Laurie.

Laurie, it's me.

What's happened?

I know he's dying.

I've got to go to him.

What else can I do?

Find your faith.

I hadn't closed my eyes in...

I couldn't even remember the last time I slept.

All of a sudden, I knew that I had to lie down.

I couldn't take or give any more.

Wake up, Major. Charlie, if I didn't know he was alive...

Yeah, sure don't seem natural for him to be so quiet.

I like him better when he's himself.

What's going on here?

Major, you sure had us scared for a minute.

What?!

Well, you ain't been ornery, that's what.

What are you two up to, anyhow?

The fever's passed.

How long have I been asleep?

Well, you ain't broke no record, Major.

I once heard of a fellow, Rip Van Something-or-Other,

that slept for 20 years.

You say the fever's passed? Why didn't you wake me up?

We didn't get any new customers in the last 20 hours,

and we didn't lose any of the old ones,

so we thought we'd let you sleep for a while.

What about Rick? Is he all right?

Last time I checked him, he told me a spicy story

about a farmer's daughter and a salesman.

Don't you want to hear it?

Did I tell you? You did.

Hey, Rick.

Laurie!

No! No, please, don't tell me.

Just leave us alone.

Laurie, the epidemic is over.

Ricky?

Oh, he'll be fresh as ever.

I can go to him?

Sure. There's no more danger now.

Well... what...?

Hey!

Ricky!

Ricky?

Ricky?

Ricky?

Ricky! Ohh!

Oh, Ricky!

I've suffered with you every moment.

Oh, Ricky, please forgive me.

I wanted to come to you so much.

Go away, Laurie.

Oh, Ricky.

Ricky.

You're not gonna be a wagon master, eh? That's a boy.

No, you don't want to be that.

Now what's the matter?

He won't...

He won't forgive me for not going to him when he needed me.

He what?

You blubbering baby!

You call yourself a man? You haven't got the guts of a rabbit!

Why don't you mind your own business, Major?

This is my business.

You think I'm blind like you?

While you were rolling around unconscious,

who do you think was suffering? You?

No, Laurie. She suffered agony every second of the time.

If I hadn't kept her from coming here,

she'd have gambled that baby's life for you, and you're not worth it.

No?

Listen, I'm giving you just the length of time

it'll take me to get you back to your wagon

for you to apologize to Laurie.

After that, I don't care what you do! Now, move!

Get up, you puppy!

Quicker! Now, move! Get out of here!

Now, you get in that wagon, and you eat crow.

If you give that girl one more moment of unhappiness,

so help me, I'll...!

Thanks, Major.

How do I ever let myself get mixed up in family arguments...?

Major!

Major, thank you.

How do you figure people? I don't.

People went west for many reasons...

To find fortunes, gold and whatnot.

But the real lucky ones were the Laurie and Ricky Bells.

They found each other.