Original subtitles

[♪ exciting music playing]

The answer is Abraham Lincoln.

- That's not the answer. - How do you know?

Because you're doing your math homework.

Oh, then this is all wrong.

Does anybody have 50 feet of rope?

Nylon or natural fiber,

I don't have either. I'm just curious.

You don't need 50 feet of rope.

Why does she think she does?

I might need it for my quest tomorrow.

Oh, you can't go on a quest. Tomorrow's your birthday.

No, no, no, she has to.

When wizards turn 13, they go on an epic quest.

A trial by fire.

I've spent the last few weeks making one for her.

It's gonna test every part of me.

Brains, courage, guile.

Not 100 percent sure what guile is,

but I know it's getting tested.

And it's also supposed to be a surprise,

which is why she has been fishing for clues.

I'm not fishing. Unless I'm fishing.

Milo, you still have that fishing pole?

Nah, it snapped.

I was trying to give Roman a wedgie from the top bunk.

- Again, would like to request my own room. - [chuckles]

You are not getting your own room,

and I am not telling you anything about your quest.

But I'm gonna be out there in the freezing cold.

- No. - In the burning heat.

- Stop. - All alone.

That part is very true.

You're gonna be by yourself on your birthday?

Eh, I spent most of my birthdays alone at WizTech.

I'm used to it.

Well, if you need someone to open your presents

while you're gone, I'm available.

But I do take a percentage of everything I open.

Oh, look who can suddenly do math.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble If you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

- ♪ What it seems ♪ - [♪ theme song concludes]

[floor creaks]

[grunts]

[groans]

Come on, floors, work with me!

[sighs]

- [floor creaks] - [grunts]

[sighs]

[grunts]

- Whatcha doin'? - [gasps] Oh! It's just you.

I'm dropping off the clues for Billie's quest tomorrow,

and I'm trying not to wake her up.

Oh, well, I have to use an air horn

to get her up for school, so I think you're fine.

So, what exciting adventure did you plan for her?

Oh, she is in for a treat.

A riddle will lead her to a brain teaser,

which will lead her to a mind puzzler,

which will lead her to the Staten Island Public Library

where she will receive her very own library card.

[chuckles] A library card. Every 13-year-old's dream.

- [laughs] - I know, right?

[laughs] Well, at least it'll keep her out of the house

so we can decorate for her surprise party.

Oh, you'll have plenty of time.

Billie's last clue is in a book

which I purposely put in the wrong section.

Justin, you rebel.

- Yeah, I am. - [chuckles]

But don't worry, I cleared it with Mabel

at the reference desk, so we're good.

- [♪ serene music playing] - [birds chirping]

[exhales deeply]

[♪ tense music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

What is that? [gasps] My quest! [stammers, sighs]

Can't go like this.

[magic chimes]

Mm. Well, I may not know what I'm doing,

but at least I'll look good doing it.

"Danger, thrills, and treasure gleams,

"this journey will fulfill your dreams."

[scoffs] Fulfill my dreams? Easy, Justin.

This is a birthday quest, not dinner with Beyoncé.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

What's happening?

[video game sounds]

Get the coins. Now ju... jump! Duck, why aren't you jumping?

Roman, I'm not even playing yet. This is the demo screen.

Oh. Well, tell me when you are playing,

because I want to yell at you.

Oh, I need the living room

to start decorating for Billie's party.

But we're playing Super Giuseppe Brothers.

Yeah, it's taken us a month to get to Wowser's Mansion.

We are not leaving this couch until we save Princess Papaya.

If you stay, you'll have to decorate.

We're out.

- Oh, good, you're back. - Yep, and we got everything

we need to throw the perfect birthday party.

Princess tiaras, kitty cat cups,

and scented markers for the goodie bags.

Justin, she's 13. [chuckles softly]

Yeah, I know. That's why I passed on the bouncy castle.

Unless you think we need one.

No, no. This is all way too childish.

[sighs] We gotta start over.

If we don't get this right, we're gonna scar her for life.

- What? Scar her for life? - [sighs] Trust me, Justin.

I celebrated my 13th birthday at the dog track,

and I'm still talking about it.

[sighs] I just-- I want this to be special for Billie.

But we've never thrown a party for a 13-year-old girl.

I think we need some help.

And a build your own omelet bar.

You think Billie would want a build your own omelet bar?

Yep. And it's probably too late to book the petting zoo guy,

but my cousin has a bunch of ferrets

and a weird-looking dog he could bring over.

Are you sure this is what Billie would want for her party?

Of course. She's my best friend. We like all the same things.

Although, the cornerstone of our friendship

is our whole opposites attract thing,

so maybe we actually like none of the same things.

[laughs sarcastically]

Well, thanks for all your help, sweetie.

I think we've got all we need.

Appreciate you coming over. Okay. [laughs]

Man, 13-year-old girls are even more confusing than I thought.

We're running out of time. What are we gonna do?

[groans] I got it.

We'll hire a wizard party planner.

He'll have this party ready in no time.

[Giada] Yes. [groans]

[grunts]

Oh! Is that the party planner? [gasps]

[shouting] We need to plan a party!

Giada, it's a phone book.

We're gonna call the party planner.

- Oh! - [♪ mysterious music playing]

[thunder rumbling]

[chuckles] Yes! Creepy cave!

I was worried Justin was gonna send me

somewhere boring like the library.

"Only the truly powerful may pass."

Ominous yet flattering, this quest gets me.

[chuckles] All right, Justin. Let's see what you got!

Okay, going back. No! Staying put.

[sighs] Kind of wishing I was at the library right now.

[♪ tense music playing]

[♪ exciting music playing]

- Come on, let me play. - [stammers] In five minutes.

You said that five minutes ago.

Okay, I meant five minutes from now.

You said that ten minutes ago.

[Roman] Hey!

[shrieks] I'm holding the door shut!

You'll never get in!

You know how a door works, right?

Yes, just not this door.

What's that?

You think it's a birthday present for Billie?

Only one way to find out.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[both scream]

When Justin said this quest was gonna be trial by fire,

I didn't think he meant literally.

- Billie! - What are you guys doing here?

That box on your bed sent us here.

You were in my room?

Is that really your biggest concern right now?

Don't worry, we'll help you.

No, I'm supposed to do the quest alone.

Okay, what you got?

I don't know. Some... something about this seems familiar.

This is like that level in Super Giuseppe Brothers.

There's a pattern to avoid the fire.

We just gotta find it.

I got it. It's jump, duck, jump, duck, duck, jump, jump.

No, it's not. It's jump, duck, duck, duck, jump, jump, jump.

Uh, that's ridiculous.

It's clearly jump, duck, jump, duck, duck, jump, jump, jump.

- That's too many! - There's too many ducks

- and too many jumps! - Will one of you just tell me what to do?

Wait! How many lives does she have left?

[whimpering] One! I have one life.

Billie, when I tell you what to do, do it.

Don't hesitate, keep moving.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Jump! Duck!

Jump! Duck! Duck!

- Jump! Jump! Yeah! - Whoo!

[chuckles] We did it! [chuckles]

But guys, this is really too dangerous.

- You should go home. - No.

Let us help you with the rest.

Wow, Roman. That's really nice of you.

Also, we don't know how to get back.

Ah. There it is.

[♪ exciting music playing]

- Did you change? - No.

Fine. Yes, I did. I just-- I'm excited.

I've never worked with a wizard party planner before.

Honey, he's not going to care what you're wearing.

I love what you're wearing.

If I have to work with one more schlub

in slacks and a sweater... [chuckles] Hi.

[smacks lips]

Hi, I'm Justin. This is my wife, Giada.

- And, uh, you must be Martim. - [in Spanish accent] Martim.

That's what I said, M... Martim.

- [in Spanish accent] Martim. - Martim, am I saying it right?

[chuckles] Not even close.

- Uh, Martim. - Mm...

Um, we want to throw the perfect birthday party

for a very special 13-year-old girl.

Got it. Got it, got it, got it, got it.

- I have a little exercise I like to do. - Oh!

I'll say a word,

and you say the first thing that comes to mind.

- No wrong answers. Celebrate. - Balloons.

Wrong. Let's try again. Celebrate.

- Cake. - Also wrong.

- Why don't you try? - [Giada] Oh.

- Celebrate. - [hesitates] Party!

- Whoa! [cheers] She's good. - [chuckles]

She's very good.

Giadz. Can I call you Giadz?

I am loving that you are.

Giadz, let's start with the most important thing.

- Cake. [laughs] - Yes.

I just said cake.

- How many layers are we talking? - [gasps] Uh, I don't know. Th...

- three. Whoo! [laughs] - You sure? Hmm.

Mortal party planner could do three layers.

Oh, uh, okay. Um, six. [gasps]

- [laughs] - This is fun.

Honey, it's just our family. Do we need six layers?

Right. No, right. Ten layers!

[gasps]

Oh! Martim! I wish we called you sooner.

Wish we hadn't called him at all.

[♪ exciting music playing]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

Whoa! Almost walked into a spider web.

That would have been-- [screams]

Careful!

- How far down does that go? - I don't know.

Give me your phone. I need the flashlight.

Why would you... why would you do that?

See how deep it is?

Man, can't even see that flashlight anymore.

Milo, that was my phone!

Uh, relax, I'll get your phone back.

Levitatus phonus.

Wow, remind me to write a good review of this phone case

when we get back.

Okay, fire blast, bottomless pit.

There's no way Justin planned this quest.

But why would somebody bring you here

if it wasn't for your quest?

Maybe it's to get that.

[♪ enchanting music playing]

We have to find a way across.

Or we could not cross the bottomless pit of death

and go home.

But someone went to all this trouble just to bring me here,

and that amulet must be the reason.

I'm not leaving here without it.

What... what... what are you doing?

If this is anything like Super Giuseppe Brothers,

there's always a way to get across.

There's gotta be a hidden button or a lever or something.

- Milo, this isn't a video game. - There it is.

Okay, but how are we gonna get to it?

[gasps] Hey, Milo, you afraid of heights?

Only when I'm falling.

Well, let's hope you don't. Levitatus Milus!

- I'm flying like a penguin! - Penguins cannot fly!

Fine, an ostrich!

[♪ adventurous music playing]

Wanna hear something crazy? That kid gets straight A's.

Pull the lever!

- Good job, Milo. - Told you there was a lever.

Uh, hey, Roman, can you, uh, grab that for me?

[groans] Did you know that force field was there?

I didn't, but now I do. Thanks, Roman.

[♪ exciting music playing]

Okay, so we have the firewood candles,

- the light-up dance floor, the-- - Mm.

Oh, oh, don't forget the horse-drawn carriage.

- Mm. - [horse neighing]

I thought we ditched the carriage.

- You can't ditch the carriage. - I don't know if we need it.

- Consider it ditched. - Oh!

Giadz? A word.

Honey, I feel like I'm not participating here.

Oh, well, you did the quest.

You know, maybe this party's just more my thing.

Why don't you go upstairs and check on the boys, okay?

Martim and I can handle this.

So, Giadz, what are we thinking for the music?

Oh, well, for my 13th birthday,

I would have killed to have NSYNC play.

[laughs] Didn't have to be all of them, just Chris.

- He's my favorite, too. - [Giada gasps]

- You want Chris, you got Chris. - [gasps]

Chris over JT? You two deserve each other.

[♪ exciting music playing]

[sighs] All right, we have to find a way to get to the force field.

- Roman, give me your phone. - No.

Wait, the cave said only the truly powerful may pass,

and what does everyone keep telling me?

[both] Don't use magic outside the lair.

The other thing, that I'm a very powerful wizard.

Step back.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[sighs] It's not doing anything.

Okay, time to crank up the power.

[grunts]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[groans]

[groans, pants] Why aren't you working?

- Maybe it's not the wand. - Yeah, Billie, maybe it's you.

Wow! I am really glad you guys are here right now.

No, I mean, maybe the power is in you.

[breathes heavily]

[grunts, chuckles] That was awesome!

- [♪ tense music playing] - [ground rumbling]

It sure was. Now, can we get out of here?

[Milo screams]

Yeah! We should go.

Jump!

- [screams] - [screams]

[screams, grunts]

[pants] Well, at least I made it to 13.

I haven't!

- [♪ tense music playing] - [thunder rumbling]

Billie!

Can't you just do a spell and get us out of this?

Yeah, just "levitatus" all of us!

Yeah, sure. Would one of you mind grabbing my wand?

- I don't wanna let go. - Yeah, neither do I.

- [groans, screams] - [screams]

[groans] I'm slipping!

- [Justin grunting] - [gasps, grunts]

[grunts, pants]

Dad, what are you doing here?

I'll explain everything when no one's dangling

over a bottomless pit, now help your brother! [grunts]

[groans softly] My amulet!

Billie, just leave it!

I can't. I came all this way, I can't just leave it behind.

[grunts] I can't hold on much longer.

[grunts]

- [pants] - Justin, guess what?

I tried using my wand and I was like, "Why won't it work?"

And then the guys were like, "Maybe it's not the wand, maybe it's you."

And I was like, "Ouch." And--

Can we have this conversation

when we're not in a collapsing cave?

Yeah. Go, go, go, go!

[Billie groans]

- [gasps] - [blows air]

So, Giadz, what do you think? Do you love it or do you love it?

Oh, Martim, I love it! Oh, you're a lifesaver.

We never would have pulled this together in time without you.

[both laugh]

Whoa! Mrs. Russo, what happened here?

Martim and I have given Billie everything she could ever want. [chuckles]

Cool. So, where's all that stuff?

What are you talking about?

Billie isn't into pink, or animal print,

or floating disco balls,

or whoever that guy doing vocal warm-ups

- in her kitchen is. - [gasps]

[both] That's Chris from NSYNC!

What's NSYNC?

Oh! Martim.

I think we made a terrible mistake.

Mm?

I tried to give Billie the perfect party,

but I ended up throwing the one I wanted when I was 13.

You know, as long as Billie's with you guys,

she'll be happy with anything.

Except this. This is a lot.

You're right.

Martim, I need you to get rid of all of this.

Hey, you're the client.

I don't have to like it, but I will be billing for it.

[♪ exciting music playing]

- [screams] - Roman! Roman, we're back.

Oh, nice.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

- Is everyone okay? - Almost.

Now, I'm okay.

Billie, where did that box even come from?

I... I don't know. It just showed up on my bed.

I thought it was from you. You know, as part of my quest.

Your quest?

Aw, dang, you'll never get to the library in time.

[chuckles] The library.

Oh, you're serious.

I just... I don't get it.

Why would somebody send you to go get that amulet?

I don't know.

I'm sure it was in that cave for a reason.

Probably good we left it there.

Billie! I need you in the backyard!

It's an emergency!

And the fact that this emergency is happening on your birthday

is completely coincidental. So, don't read into that.

Then I guess we're going to the backyard then.

[♪ exciting music playing]

[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]

[all] Surprise!

[laughs] Happy birthday, Billie.

I can't believe you guys did this for me.

Yep, it's from all of us.

No need to go into details on who did what.

[chuckles] So, how was your quest?

Well, it was a little scary, actually,

but I'm glad I didn't have to do it alone.

Russos always have each other's backs.

The library was scary?

I'll tell you about it later. [sighs]

Okay, let's light these candles.

Martim says they're worth every penny.

How many pennies are we talking?

I'll tell you about it later.

- [groans] - Oh!

[blows air]

- Whoo! - [all applauding]

Did you make a wish?

I didn't need to. It already came true.

[clicks tongue] Aw. [chuckles]

[♪ exciting music playing]

I wonder what Alex got me.

[gasps] A forbidden-spell-a-day calendar?

That's 365 spells I shouldn't be doing.

[chuckles] Alex is so cool.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

Someone wanted me to have you, and I'm gonna figure out why.

[♪ music concludes]