Original subtitles

You startled me!

We need to speak on something.

You didn't buy bread, did you, Richmond?

I think it is woeful how we have abandoned

the old, respectable mode of yeast brewing.

But it is not your place to think.

- Not in my house. - Our house.

You're my wife.

So in the eyes of the law, the house is mine.

Well, the law abides by the will of the estate.

A will my father quite deliberately crafted.

Now, I don't wish to play these vulgar games of ownership with you.

It vexes me. I'm now quite vexed.

You don't think I'm vexed?

Then why indulge in these vexing matters?

So what really did happen on that fateful day?

Was it an accident? Her husband claimed she tripped,

but her friends say she was anything but a klutz.

Could alcohol have played a role in her demise?

Perhaps one too many mint juleps for the lady.

The answers to these questions might lie with the housekeeper.

Or they might be buried six feet underground. Who can say?

What are you doing up so early?

There's a Masters of Murder marathon on.

Did you finish all the bread?

There was only one slice left.

I wanted to make a sandwich.

It's breakfast. What do you want a sandwich for?

For lunch. To take to work.

- You know that thing that adults go to? - I have a job, dick.

That's right. You're a... You're a drug dealer. I almost forgot.

I'm not a drug dealer, okay? I'm a drug deliverer.

Big difference.

There is a big difference.

I don't do the deals. I just deliver the product.

Well, one day, if you play your cards right,

maybe you can become an actual dealer.

Every kid's dream.

You're an asshole.

I love you too, honey.

Have a great day. Enjoy your high!

I will!

- "Enjoy the high!" - She was out of control.

That's what people were saying about her after she died.

That story that came out in the press was not... It was not accurate.

So what was the truth? What was accurate?

Will we ever know? Stay tuned to find out.

Shit.

Next on Masters of Murder...

♪ Don't think twice ♪

♪ Although we'd never make it Tonight I'm gonna fake it ♪

♪ Only for tonight ♪

I have to get my roots done at 2:15. Where the hell is that idiot?

Honey. I don't know.

So what's this all about? Are you guys finally getting a divorce?

Your father has something he wants to tell you.

Shortly, I shall be announcing my candidacy for mayor of Savannah.

- Cool. Good luck. - Sit down.

Son, I know how much you enjoy doing absolutely nothing with your life

and spending your allowance on God-knows-what or God-knows-who.

Are you accusing me of fucking prostitutes?

- Tanner! - No, I'm sorry, Mom,

but it's really insulting.

I would never pay for sex. Because I don't have to.

Would you shut your mouth? I was not talking about your sex life,

- which I have no doubt is quite robust. - Hell yeah.

In regards to my campaign, there are gonna have to be some changes made.

I will no longer have the time, nor quite frankly the energy,

to oversee the day-to-day operations of Wadsworth Manor.

That responsibility shall fall upon your shoulders.

Why can't Mom do it?

Your mother, bless her heart, will be joining me on the campaign.

Sorry to interrupt. Can I get you folks anything?

- No, thank you, Nia. - Okay.

Yeah, get me an iced pumpkin spice latte.

I'm sorry, sir. I don't think we have that.

Really? That's weird.

Well, then I guess I'll just get a mango smoothie.

But not too sweet.

Bring him a water, Nia.

- Of course, ma'am. - Thank you, Nia.

Hey, why doesn't she do it?

- Who? - The lady that works here.

The one that won't make me a good drink.

Nia is already staff manager.

She has been for years.

There needs to be someone in charge of the entire operation.

To oversee everything.

I just don't think I have time to take on another job.

And what do you mean, "another job"?

Me and Preston and Chaz are working on developing an app.

And what does this app do?

It, like, gives you rides places.

Like Uber?

Yeah, kinda. But with sicker cars. And like super-hot drivers.

Well, I'm afraid your app

is going to have to be put on the back burner for a little while.

I think I'm gonna have to say no, Dad.

Well, then I'm gonna have to say since Wadsworth Manor is your inheritance,

you will be on your own financially from now on.

This is horseshit!

Nia will brief you on all the particulars.

And, son, this property has been in our family for over 180 years.

Don't you be the one to fuck it up. Darling.

Hey. Um, it's me.

Hey, come on in. Make yourself at home.

I'm making some sweet tea.

Come on in.

Hi.

Hello.

- That looks good. - It is.

- Is that, like, lemon? - Rainbow.

Rainbow. Cool.

Since I'm a kid, I love lollipops.

Um, hey, are your, like,

parents or siblings here, by any chance?

You wanna make sure I'm alone?

Yeah.

Wait, no. That sounds weird. I kinda...

- Get on the ground! - On your fucking knees!

You're under arrest for the solicitation of a minor.

What?

- Hands behind your back. - Um, okay.

- Okay. Okay. - You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

- You have the right to an attorney. - Wait...

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

- Not to interrupt... - With these rights in mind,

do you still wish to discuss the charges against you?

Yes. I certainly do. Um...

I'm so ticklish. Is this 72 Jackson Street?

No. It's 72 Jackson Avenue.

My God. See, this is so funny.

Well, maybe it's not so funny, but it's... That I can explain.

Solicitation of a minor with the intent to sell narcotics to said minor.

No, no, no, no. Um, okay.

Not to narc out my bosses,

but I work for a company called Lady Mary Jane.

And I was supposed to deliver that weed and, um, yeah,

that bag of edibles to 72 Jackson Street.

I'm not here for sex.

And even if I was here for sex,

I wouldn't want to do it with him.

How old is he? Is he like 12 or something?

I'm 19.

You're 19?

That is just... Really?

- I'm an actor. - He doesn't even have pubes.

I have all the pubes. Tons of pubes.

- Like tons of pubes? - Tons.

That's not something to brag about, by the way.

Don't lick your lollipop right now.

He's like sexually harassing me for real.

Why don't you arrest this creep?

- He's just doing his job, ma'am. - What is wrong with you?

Doesn't even have to be acting anymore.

Todd! I'm so glad you're here.

You don't know the difference between street and avenue?

I was a little stoned.

- Shocking. - Todd.

I was arrested for soliciting sex from a kid today.

Please just be nice to me.

For a change.

Look, my uncle is friends with the DA. I talked to him.

- They're giving you a break. - That's amazing!

They're dropping all the drug charges.

All you have to do is register as a sex offender.

Yeah, right.

Do you know how lucky you are, Hannah?

This could've been way worse.

I sure hope you can get your shit together,

because this is... this is really fucking pathetic.

Wait. Are you breaking up with me?

Well, I can't introduce my parents to a sex offender.

Well...

I'm gonna go pack up your shit.

Well, you know what? Good.

I didn't want to meet them anyway.

What kind of people name their kid "Todd"?

Such a stupid name.

They sound like assholes actually.

I've been cheating on you.

With who?

With the mailman.

- Betty? - With the milkman.

- We don't have a milkman. - Fuck.

Bye, Hannah.

Now, upon the night that General Sherman

placed his prized hat into my grateful hands,

little did I know our home would forever become an integral part

of Savannah's rich and turbulent history.

Thank you. Thank you.

I would now be more than happy to answer any queries

you may have regarding our beloved manor.

Yeah. Did General Sherman place anything else into your grateful hands?

No, sir, he did not.

Thank you kindly.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Thank you.

Very impressive, milady.

Thank you, Mr. Wadsworth.

Please, "Mr. Wadsworth" is so stuffy and formal.

You can call me Tanner.

Wadsworth.

And...

- Thank you. - You earned it.

You sounded exactly like you were an old colonial lady or whatever.

It was really hot.

Thank you, sir.

Let's have dinner tonight. My treat.

Thank you, but...

Fine, we'll split the bill.

I am actually having dinner with my boyfriend tonight.

Cancel it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wadsworth.

I'm sorry too.

- We're gonna have to let you go. - What?

Now please leaveth the premises-eths.

Then what'd she say?

Nothing. She was just literally like, "Fuck you."

- But she didn't say it. - Yeah.

- What a slut! - Total slut!

"I have a boyfriend who I love."

My God. It's my fiancée.

Sorry. Gotta blaze.

Hey, baby. I've been thinking about you too.

Now I have to register as a sex offender, which probably isn't going to be easy.

Like if registering your car at the DMZ or whatever is such a bitch,

can you imagine how much more of a bitch it's gonna be

to register as a sex offender?

You know, I hope it's harder.

If it is easier to register as a sex offender...

You know, I think I could be a stand-up comedian.

"What's the deal with registering as a sex offender?"

I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

I don't actually know 'cause I'm not, like, a real sex offender.

I was set up by this, like, adult kid actor.

This fruity little youthful narc.

I see.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you're really, really handsome.

If that fake kid today had looked like you?

Ooh, boy, like, throw the book at me.

Ooh!

Can I ask what you do?

Um, I used to be in the pharmaceutical business

and now I am self-unemployed.

You just passing through?

No, I live in Savannah.

- Where? - Where?

What, are you, like, a person who, like, asks a lot of questions?

I'm a person who would like to offer you a job.

- Fuck off. - I'm serious.

Do you have any acting experience, by any chance?

Um, yes, by some chance, I do.

I know. It's crazy.

I was in an acting play, Drugs Are For Slugs.

You've probably heard of it.

I played the main slug.

It was part of this, like, after-school program

for kids whose parents thought they might end up doing drugs.

So pretty good casting, if you ask me.

I knew you'd be perfect.

There's only one thing.

You'll have to live at Wadsworth Manor.

Okay.

So pretty much you'll be in charge

of maintaining the interior of Wadsworth Manor.

Laundry, light cleaning, things of that nature.

If you have any questions,

you can direct them towards myself or my brother, Marcus.

And of course you'll be in charge of leading the tours,

which start promptly at 9:30 every day.

Hey, sorry to interrupt. Nia, have you seen my toolbox?

I think I saw it in the garage. Check there.

Okay. Thanks.

Who is that sexy hunk of man meat?

That's Marcus. My brother.

Cool. Cool.

He seems smart. What's this?

This is a pretty dress.

Wow! Who makes this?

Yep. It is a JZP. I knew it.

This actually belonged to Lady Wadsworth's best friend in the entire world,

who just so happened to be my great-great-great grandmother,

Josephine Zelda Pipkin.

She sewed that into all her possessions, few as they were.

Zelda? This is probably a dumb question,

but she wasn't, by any chance,

named after the actual Legend of Zelda, was she?

Moving on.

This right here is the most prized possession of our Wadsworth Manor.

Sorry. This is my most prized possession, too, so...

When General William Tecumseh Sherman stayed here during the Civil War,

he was so charmed by Lady Wadsworth,

by her hospitality, graciousness and class,

he gave her his hat as a gift.

Shit.

Lady Wadsworth, that's the role I'm getting my hands on, right?

That's right.

And she was classy.

The absolute classiest.

Okay. I will make sure to do her justice.

Sorry.

I did have a few beers tonight.

Let me show you where you'll be staying.

- Okay. - Okay.

Here we are. The lady's bedroom.

My God!

Remember, this will be part of the tour,

so it's imperative that you keep it as the lady kept it.

Immaculate.

Wow, this is amazing!

- Shoes? - Um...

I don't know, I think they're Skechers.

You mean...

Excuse me.

Is there anything else I can get for you?

No. I think I'm good. Thank you so much.

Make sure you're well versed on the history of the manor by tomorrow.

There's a packet with all relevant information on the side table next to you.

Yep.

- Good night, Hannah. - Okay. Good night.

What?

"Wadsworth Manor, founded in 1840 by Jennings F. Daubmire,

is one of the oldest and most treasured historical homes... "

Fuck.

Hear ye, hear ye. My name is Lady Wadsworth,

but you can call me Nancy.

I built this house with my own two hands in the summer of 1855.

I know what you're all thinking.

Wow, that makes you super old!

Let me tell you my secret.

And this is, ye olde living room,

where they used to host parties and shit... And digs.

Shindigs.

Yes. A question. A little early for a question, but okay.

Sorry. I just... really quick. Um, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry, what?

Well, first of all, your name is Elizabeth, not Nancy.

This house was built in 1840, and not 1855.

It's literally right on the cover of the pamphlet.

And, um, this is definitely not called "ye olde living room"

because, well, that's-that's ridiculous.

So what-what are you talking about?

If you'll excuse me just for one minute. Please.

- Sorry. - Please.

- Okay. - Please.

What the fuck is your problem?

- What's my problem? - Yeah.

I'm sorry I was hoping for some facts on this tour.

I am giving you facts.

- No, you're not. - Fact after fact.

Not real facts. Not actual facts.

Well, what makes you so qualified to say that?

A PhD in American History from Harvard.

Yeah. What is going on? Do you even work here?

Look, I'm just trying not to get fired, okay? It's my first day.

I'm sorry. Just, I really need this job. Please?

I'm here with some students from my seminar.

It's a little weird. I was hoping they would learn something.

Screw it.

I'll catch 'em up later.

Thank you. You're so sweet.

- Sure. - Thank you.

Listen, if you ever want any actual facts...

Let me know.

Thank you. Just gonna tuck it right in here.

Okay. Yeah. No pockets.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Now where were we before we were interrupted?

Right, I was gonna show you ye olde den,

where they used to watch...

probably plays. Come on.

Right this way.

So, as Lady Wadsworth, um, as I always used to say,

"Ye don't have to go home, but ye can't stay here." Thank you.

Bravo!

My God.

- You were fantastic. - Was 1?

I couldn't tell the difference between you and Lady Wadsworth.

My God. That is so nice of you.

- Well, I'm a nice guy. - Yeah.

Let's celebrate tonight. What do you say?

Okay. Sure.

That's the right answer.

Sorry to bother you, but...

Don't worry. I'll clean it up before the next tour.

I'm trying to figure out what to wear. I got a hot date with our hunky boss.

- Lucky you. - What do you think about this?

You think Tanner will like this?

I really think the best thing is to just be a lady.

That way you can better serve the role of "the lady." You feel me?

Tanner's into classy ladies.

- Well... - I got you. I can do this.

My ex-roommate used to watch Downtown Abbey all the time, so...

I guess that's a good start.

- Hey, Nia? - Yes?

- Thank you. - Don't worry.

You're gonna do just fine here.

I like that dress.

Classy.

Thank you, Nia.

What?

My name is Tanner.

- Yeah. - Hi. I'm Addison,

and I'll be your waitress for the evening.

Can I start you off with some drinks?

Yes, indeed. I think I shall.

- Something classy, of course. - Would you like to look at our wine list?

Do you think I don't know my wines?

No. Not at all. I was just...

I'll peruse the list just to make sure the ones you got on it

are classy enough for me.

Very good. And for the gentleman?

Yeah, gimme a shot of Patron and a vod sodes.

A vodka soda.

- Yeesh. - Yeah.

They have got the most sick tasting fish here.

Ham cubes are fire.

They have ham cubes? Where?

- Yeah, you can't go wrong. - No.

I still can't believe you just, like, swooped into the bar and you were like,

"Hi, I'm hot, you want a job and a sick place to live?"

I know this isn't a classy thing to admit,

but I wasn't really on my way to join the circus like I said.

I had no real plan.

Yeah.

Well, maybe there's some way you can repay the favor.

My God. You're like a knight in shiny armor.

But hotter.

Well, you're pretty great too.

- Do you mean it? - I do.

That's so beautiful.

I mean, honestly, you're like a poet. But hotter.

I can't believe I get to live in your family's mansion.

Yeah, it's a pretty nice house, I guess.

"Nice house."

Yeah, and the Taj Mahal is just a "nice hall."

So what was it like growing up in that "nice house"?

I didn't live in that house.

It's more like a dusty old family museum.

But I get to sell it when my parents die, so that's cool.

Wow. That's awesome.

What do you say we head back there and, dust the bed,

if you know what I mean?

I'm pretty sure I do.

You're talking about sex, right?

Bingo.

Can I get you anything else?

Some coffee perhaps, ma'am?

- Why would I want coffee? - No.

- Hey, Adderall. - It's Addison.

I just wanted to let you know that I finished

the entire bottle of the strun... jun... junior.

So now who doesn't know their wines?

- Ha-ha. - Congratulations.

Thank you.

I outclassed the fuck outta her.

You're such a good drunk driver.

Thanks, I know.

Whoa. You kiss like a horse.

Yeah!

Let's do this.

Wait. Okay.

My God.

My God, you're so hot. Okay.

I'm just, um... I'm gonna go freshen up.

So just, real quick.

Wanna smoke?

Condoms, condoms.

Thank you, Jesus. I'll be right out!

You're great.

Eat your heart out, Todd. Dickhead.

Hi. You look comfortable.

Are you having a little nap?

My God, that's so cute.

Maybe little Tan-Tan needs a little wake-up call.

Is that a yes? Okay.

Great.

I just wanna make sure that this is consexual.

Sounds good to me.

Okay.

No!

What the fuck?

My God! Who are you?

No, poor depraved wench, the question is who are you?

I am the lady who lives in this room.

And that is my cock that you are blocking me from.

Now, who are you?

I am Lady Elizabeth Wadsworth, and I am afraid to tell you

I take umbrage with the despicable,

animalistic way you are behaving in my room!

Yeah. Okay, right. No, 'cause Tanner told me about you.

You had the job before me, right?

Had I ever the job you possess,

I shall think I would have long ago gone mad from syphilis. Or worse.

- You think I'm a prostitute? - I know you to be.

Grateful only that your customer seems to have saved himself

from whatever lusty madness with which you mean to inflict him.

Okay. You're nuts. What?

You quit 'cause you couldn't stand being around Tanner after he rejected you

and now you're stalking him but in character!

And I'm the mad one?

Hey, Tanner.

Seriously, wake up, okay?

"Cause your weird stalker is here,

and I don't feel like getting stabbed by a lunatic.

Hey.

Little known fact,

this is my favorite room in all of Wadsworth Manor.

Can anybody guess why? Yes. You, the natural brunette.

Because you love to read?

Wrong. Reading is for nerds.

I'm joking. So, over here we have...

Fuck!

That... Fuck. Fuck. That was to illustrate,

the fact that contrary to popular belief,

women of the time had the tongues of filthy sailors.

They really did.

It was very customary, for women to say "fuck"

and "shit" and even "cocktease."

"Pussy" was a very popular word of the day.

But, you know, "fuck" did not mean what it means today.

Right? It didn't mean that.

It actually meant a polite wink at a stranger.

So, in fact, right now, I am fucking all of you.

My God!

How dare you pose as me in my own house, spewing such filth!

Okay, um...

does everybody see this old-timey-looking lady right now?

- Hi. - Holy shit.

You are an abomination. A filthy tramp, you are.

- What did you call me? - I didn't call you anything.

Call... Call on me. I had so many gentleman callers...

- That is a lie! - ...calling upon me.

I was a faithfully married woman. You take your lies...

- Just one after the other. - ...and vacate this house at once.

Just gentleman caller after gentleman caller.

One after the other. In and out.

You should be ashamed speaking in such a crass manner.

- It is most unbecoming! - Okay. Now, that's the end of the tour.

That's it. Um, thank you for coming.

And, please come see us again soon.

Excuse me. Is that really the end of the tour?

You are a disgrace.

I am not listening to you, you obnoxious old asshole!

Sorry, ma'am, you were great.

What the {...

Come on in.

So many different theories that it wouldn't...

Sorry.

I didn't know you were busy with a lady.

This is my student, Jenny. Jenny, this is...

Hannah. Hi. I'm an actress. And a model sometimes.

- Hi. - Hi.

Okay. So I guess I'll, come back when you're not, um...

No. No! Jenny and I were just finishing up.

Hannah, so that-that would be perfect. You can do it.

- Thanks, Dr. Plumm. - Sure. I'll see you in class, Jenny.

- Hi. - Dr. Plumm?

- What? - Were you guys doing, like, role-playing?

Like doctor-patient shit? You are kinkier than I thought.

It's nothing inappropriate, I assure you.

Just regular office hours. I...

Honestly. Yeah. You can throw it away.

- Don't tell anyone about my office hours. - I won't.

That everyone has. All teachers have.

- It's just a student. - Yeah.

What can I... What can I help you with, Hannah?

Okay. So you say you're a doctor.

- Well, I am a doctor. - Okay.

Do you know anyone who can do an exorcism?

An exorcism?

What's this about?

Okay, so, I was giving a tour this morning,

and Lady Wadsworth was on it.

Like, the real Lady Wadsworth.

Like, she was a ghost, I think.

But not like a scary, like, ghost.

She was more like an old-fashioned bitch ghost.

Like all like stuffy and shit. Like, "Neh, neh, neh."

Super annoying and, like, yelling at me.

So now I need to try to get rid of her,

and I thought the easiest way to do that

would be to find someone who knows about, like, potions and spells and whatever,

like a doctor or a witch doctor or like a priest who can do an exorcism.

But not like an old weak priest.

I want, like, a hot, young, like, athletic priest

who can really take a beating.

So what do you think? Can you help me? Do you know anyone?

Forget it.

What... Wait, hold on. I'm sorry. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait. I... You just caught me a little off guard

- coming in here talking about exorcisms. - Well...

So I don't really know much about this kinda thing.

- It's not my field. Um... - Sorry.

I do know that exorcisms only really work

if the spirit is possessing a living person.

So I don't think that would be your best bet.

Okay, well, thanks anyway.

Well, wait! Where are you going?

- What do you mean? I'm giving up. - Just like that?

Yeah. This is more effort than I've put into anything in a long time,

and I'm tired.

- You're tired already? - Yes!

Well, there might be some other things we can try.

Okay.

Um, Cynthia, cancel all my afternoon appointments.

Who's Cynthia?

That's my fake secretary.

I just told her to cancel all my fake appointments.

It's a joke. Yeah. It's funny.

Is that... Okay, now see...

Ask about ghosts. How to get rid of ghosts.

Think this will be that simple?

Yeah.

My God.

- It's all right. - Seriously?

It's fine.

Wow. It's really going.

♪ Pushing our way through the crowd ♪

♪ Wait, he said got the devil in his head ♪

I think I'm allergic to sage.

- Excuse me. - It's okay.

♪ And kick the devil out the door ♪

♪ And watch him walk away like a prince ♪

♪ Once again he's original as sin ♪

♪ But there ain't nowhere to run I got the evidence ♪

"Clean my roon."

What's a "roon"?

Well, I'm-I'm guessing she meant "room," with an "I'm."

I think that's a leap.

How do you know she didn't mean "clean your roop"?

What's a "roop"?

Exactly.

♪ Once again he's original as sin ♪

♪ But there ain't nowhere to run I got the evidence ♪

♪ We still got far to go ♪

♪ But there's plenty of time And we're watching for the signs ♪

Whoa.

What are you, a 13-year-old boy?

These are from the '80s.

It was my favorite era of D. I'm old school.

- Your favorite era of "D"? - Yeah. My favorite.

So keep in mind, these are classics that I'm throwing out right now.

Whoa! Jesus.

See? Old school. I call this one my Tom Selleck.

Why? Yeah.

♪ Once again he's original as sin ♪

I am keeping Judd Nelson. Okay?

We've been through too much together.

I wonder why I'm the only one who can see her.

Well, I don't know. You know, I think when a spirit is stuck in limbo,

it means that they-they need something.

Like something's been left unfulfilled or unsolved or something.

Then why me? Why isn't she bugging anyone else?

Maybe you're the only one who can get her what she wants.

Hey! Is this what you want? Is this okay? Clean enough for you?

- Pretty clean. - It's very clean.

I've never seen so many dildos before.

Even in like a dildo store.

You've been to a dildo store?

- Yeah. Yeah, lots of them. - Lots?

Yeah. Well, I-I don't really buy anything.

I just peruse the aisles, you know. I find it very calming.

Yeah.

I'm just kidding. Obviously.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this.

All this exorcising really worked up my appetite.

What-what are you doing for dinner? You have plans?

Sorry, I-I kinda just made plans.

- Yeah. Okay. - Yeah.

That's all right. Um, I'm gonna... I'm gonna head out.

- Okay. Yeah. Another time. - Yeah. Okay, good.

- Yeah. - Good, good.

- Sorry. - No. No, no.

Have fun, with your plans, and I'll-I'll see you.

- Okay. - Okay.

- What's up, bro? - Nothing. Bro.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Did you just call me "bro"?

Well, yeah, but you called me bro, so I thought it was cool.

It's cool for me, not for you.

- Okay, bro? - Okay. Sorry.

Yeah, you are.

Dick.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Knock, knock. I got your cock, cock.

I'm just kidding.

Ha. Good one.

- Hey. - Hey.

Let me see that smile.

- There it is. There it is. - Yeah.

- One second. - What's wrong, baby?

Nothing.

What do you do exactly?

You serious?

Yeah.

Like I just realized I don't really know anything about you,

like, what you do for a living or anything.

I don't know. I do lots of stuff.

Like with my family business.

Cool. Like-like what?

Like I run family business or whatever.

Sure. Okay.

For shame!

I would never play with the carnal emotions of a man

in such a childish manner.

Yeah, well, get it through your thick, translucent ghost brain,

I am not you.

- What? - Nothing.

If you do not wish to engage in these debaucherous activities,

then simply extricate yourself from his presence.

He's clearly not in a sober state of mind.

- It's not that easy. - No shit. Can you help?

A lady should be neither a trollop nor a tease.

Yet somehow you succeed in being both.

I can't do this.

Dude, are you serious? What the fuck?

Yeah. I'm so sorry, um...

I have diarrhea.

Well, I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.

Okay. Yeah, we've come to it.

So you should probably go.

Fine.

Wait. Where are you going?

To jerk off in your bathroom.

I can't drive home like this.

I cannot believe you would let him...

...defile himself in the sanctity of my powder room!

Who cares? It's a bathroom.

I'm sure you've done plenty of unsanctimoni-bous things in there.

A lady does not indulge in the scatological particulars

of her daily routine.

Why not? It's natural.

Not everything in nature needs to be indulged in. Onanism, for one.

What is that?

The spilling of one's seed.

The act of self-arousal just for one's own pleasure.

My God. What is wrong with pleasure?

There's nothing wrong with pleasure.

I myself have experienced many pleasures in my lifetime.

- Baking. - Easy...

Taking walks.

Writing in my journal.

Journal. Wow.

Should be some good stuff in here, I bet. Look out, "Penthouse Forum."

My God. That was fast.

What can I say, you turn me on.

Um, I'm sorry about that...

Good luck with your shits.

Good riddance!

Being so close to that wantonly spilled seed is making me uncomfortable

so I will take my leave as well.

Wait a minute. Hey!

Don't just leave the door closed in my face!

I'm talking to you!

Your anger is most unwarranted.

If anything, I should be the one angry at you

for shamelessly and so inaccurately impersonating me.

Okay. Let me explain something to you.

I am not pretending to be you. Okay?

I was hired as a tour guide for this house.

It's not your house anymore, but people know you used to live here,

so as part of the tour, I dress as you and I act like you.

Okay?

- Do you get it? - Well, I think you are a disgrace,

and I won't have people thinking I behave like you,

a common miscreant.

Hey! I am not a miscreant. I don't think.

And can you just stay the hell out of my room?

Okay. Stay outta my room too, please.

Not you... Not you, Marcus.

It's...

I have a proposition for you.

If you insist on pretending to be me,

for whatever reason you have concocted in your mad, syphilitic mind...

My God, for the last time, I don't have syphilis.

Then I insist that you do so properly, with dignity and, dare I say, respectably.

In other words, will you allow me to teach you how to act like a lady?

I am a lady!

Fine. No. Don't disappear into the floor or whatever.

I... Okay. I'll do it.

Just give me some space and please, please stop cock-blocking me.

Cock. Blocking?

Just-just let me do me.

- Do you? - Just...

Let me do some things that are not necessarily ladylike from time to time,

in my room.

All right. If you will allow yourself to be taken under my tutelage,

then I suppose I could look the other way

if you would like to occasionally indulge in a second mint julep.

- Thank you. - Or have a spot of morphine or cocaine.

Geez, calm down.

Well, one never knows when one will be taken by the vapors,

especially in this powerful afternoon heat of these Savannah summers.

- Right. Right. - Yes.

I think I'll be okay, but thank you for the...

All right.

Well, then...

I suppose we have what your gambling addicted customers

would refer to as a deal.

A deal, but only if you stop referring to me as a prostitute.

- I will indeed. - Thank you.

As long as you stop behaving like one.

Yeah. I forgot my razor.

Now, the family portrait wall.

This is my Aunt Helena.

So this is my Aunt Helena.

Whenever I would have guests over to the manor,

I would make sure I was properly dressed and, of course,

I would offer them tea and sex.

- Snacks! - Snacks!

So, anyway. Right this way.

So a lady should walk as though her entire body

is being lifted off the ground.

Like a marionette. Like this.

Okay. Marionette.

Bread-making is an art that a lady should do well to master.

Diction is very important.

It's not funny, Hannah. Diction.

Say it. Without laughing.

Diction.

I think I am getting it.

I can assure you by any objective measure, you are not.

Who wants to walk like a fucking marionette anyway?

After every bite of food, a lady dabs her lips with her napkin.

- Even if there's no reason to? - Even if there is no reason to.

But in this case, there is.

We have these things called grocery stores

where you can literally just pick up as much of this stuff as you want.

No.

Miraculously, you keep missing it.

It's actually worse. It's worse than it was before.

Try this one. Ready?

To sit in solemn silence on a dull, dark dock

in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock,

awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock

from a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block.

You gotta be fu...

Careful.

Yeah!

My God!

Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather!

Very good!

This is my cousin Mandy.

- This is my cousin... Mandy? - She died.

She fell off a horse and broke her neck right in front of my eyes.

It was awful.

- That's my mother. - This is my mother.

A lady is not, under any circumstances,

To produce nonverbal sounds.

While in mixed company.

Do you mean like a fart?

Well, a lady would also not use a crass term like... like fart.

But if you must expel any naughtiness from your nether regions,

you would excuse yourself from whatever room you're in to go be alone,

in another room.

Actually, if you don't mind,

I'm going to test out this method right now.

- Already? - So, yeah. Um, if you'll excuse me.

By all means.

- Milady. - Yes.

Did you just come into my room to fart?

Did somebody fart?

I think it was the floor.

Yeah. It's creaky.

Yeah, I smell it now. Yeah.

Yeah.

- It wasn't you? - No.

- No. - No.

- How's the book? - It stinks.

Okay.

What are you doing?

A lady arises promptly to greet the morning.

What time is it?

It's 6:00 a.m., and I apologize for my tardiness.

Okay. Ten more minutes. Ten more minutes.

No, Hannah. It's time to wake up now.

Yoop, yoop, yoop, yoop!

- Yoop! - Please shut the fuck...

Hey. We had a deal.

Force of habit. My apologies.

Thank you.

Enjoy your opium.

And it's weed. It's not opium.

Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Wadsworth.

We'd love to offer you a complimentary bottle of champagne.

Thanks.

Baby Yoda.

Congratulations.

Tanner. Pic.

Make sure you tag me this time.

Okay?

I'd like to thank you all for coming to my home today.

And I wish you all a lovely day.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you. Thank you.

Lady Wadsworth. Look at you. That was very impressive, I must say.

I only saw the tail end of it, but so good.

Well, that's very nice of you to say, Professor Plumm.

Please don't call me that.

Would you rather be called Colonel Mustard?

- Yeah. You know, I would actually. - Okay.

So what are you, doing here?

Well, I'm the head of the Savannah Historical Society.

We're cosponsoring this event for Grayson Wadsworth

that's coming up here in a couple days.

I was just picking up contracts for that.

I'm so sorry. I saw a dog, and I, like, spaced out for a minute.

Actually, I just came by to see if my favorite reenactress

wanted to hang... hang out.

If you want. Or not.

- Not a a big deal. Yeah. - I would.

I just, like... I would feel like I was cheating on my new boyfriend.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you had a boyfriend. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I mean it's, like, our status is kind of up in the air right now.

- Right. - I'm not good at a lot of things,

but one thing I am good at is reading people,

and I just have a feeling it's about to get serious.

It's gotta be like...

Of course. Of course. Well, I'm happy for you. That's nice.

- Thank you. - You deserve...

I'm gonna go. Well, I'll see you... I'll see you around.

Yeah.

- That's bullshit, by the way. - What?

You're good at a lot of things.

I think.

Thanks.

Did that boy finally muster the courage to ask you out?

He mustered it.

Thank God. I like him.

Yeah, I like him too.

I've been dying to talk to someone about this.

I actually think I'm falling for Tanner.

Don't say it.

- What?

Okay. Look, I know he comes across, like, weird a little bit.

Like a little bit cool and, like, douchey, but...

And he's also a little, um...

- Married? - Married. Yeah, and, like...

Wait, married?

Married, like married to his work?

No, like married to his wife.

I'm sorry, honey. I thought you knew.

Wow.

Hey, sweetie.

Tum-tum all better?

- Where were you? - Sorry I was a little late.

Keeping a lady waiting is not a gentlemanly thing to do.

A lady?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Don't you think I'm a lady?

You're sexy when you're mad.

Are you married?

Yes, I am.

But before we get into that,

I think we need to talk about your performance the last few weeks.

What about it?

It hasn't been good.

So I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go.

- You're firing me? - You were right.

You're just not cut out for this.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

- You just fired me. - Yeah.

I fired you. I didn't break up with you.

Let's make your last night here a special one.

So then he was like, "We should fuck anyway."

And I was like, "What?"

And he was like, "Yeah."

And I was like, "I'm not gonna go near your dick."

- Anna. - Sorry. It's Hannah.

Okay. Um, I have other customers I have to take care of, so...

Where?

Here. Surprise!

- Whoo! - Shit.

It's fun to be a ghost.

Boy, what I wouldn't give for a mint julep.

I miss my mortal lips.

What are you doing here? I mean, how can you be here?

I can be anywhere I want to be,

even in this place of ill repute.

So you've just been choosing to be in the mansion this whole time?

I have. And what of it?

I... It's just...

so boring.

Hannah, if you do not wish to share in my company this evening, please just say so.

I can see you are here with a group of friends,

of which I am clearly not welcome.

No, these are just mine.

I'm-I'm here alone.

I actually could use some company.

Well, you must get yourself to an apothecary immediately

for some leeches or you'll risk death by alcohol!

No. I'm fine. I'm good. I've got the tolerance of a fat guy.

By the way, did you hear I got fired tonight?

Hopefully the new "you" is gonna be more to your liking.

Why did the Pipkins fire you?

What error did you commit to lose favor with them?

Why do you think the Pipkins fired me?

Well, because they own the house.

They... They do?

Don't be silly. Of course, they do. I left it to them.

Holy fucking shit.

There you are. Before you say anything, hear me out.

I need your help, but not because you're a man, okay?

Okay.

Because you're a nerd.

- Why are you so out of breath? - My God.

I've been running around this whole dumb place looking for you.

- Well, I wasn't in my office. - Tanner kicked me out.

I'm so sorry.

And I'm pretty sure his relatives might have stolen

Wadsworth Manor from Nia's relatives, according to the ghost.

Anyway, I think I like her. I think we might be friends.

And, like, it kinda sucks nobody but me can see her.

Also, can I crash on the couch in your office for a few days?

Please? And by the way, why aren't you in your office?

Should I go, Dr. Plumm?

- No. - Wow.

Dewey... What?

I-I mean, I wasn't expecting that.

- Expecting what? - I'm sorry, Dewey.

Actually, it kind of makes sense.

You know, look, I know that I hurt you

and I'm really sorry, but you moved on really fast.

He's...

Dewey, hold on one second. Just give me a minute, okay?

Sorry, Dewey.

- He's my student, idiot. - Sure.

- All right, look... - I mean, I get it, like...

What? Sorry, Dewey.

You can crash on the couch for a day or two,

but I gotta start drawing boundaries for myself, okay?

I can't help you out any more than that.

Okay. I... I understand.

I'm sorry. Hold on.

Gimme a break!

Sorry.

No, it's just about the dumb tour and the Wadsworth's.

There's a whole worldwide web of information.

What do they call it?

Well, they call it the internet, okay?

- Internet. - Yes.

There's that bespectacled gentleman caller of yours.

I fear he suffers from consumption. He does not look well.

No, he's just a nerd. That's what they look like.

A nerd.

- Maxi-pad! Yoo-hoo! - Shh!

- I'm here by this computer. - Shh!

Who's shushing?

What are you doing?

Why are you talking like that?

What do you mean? It's a library. I'm whispering.

That's just as loud as I was being!

Shh!

- Sorry. Sorry. - Shh!

- What are you even doing here? - Research.

Something that you wouldn't know anything about.

It's literally what I do for a living.

What books have you been looking in?

Yeah, they have books here.

Look, this is not me helping you,

but you're gonna have much better luck finding anything from the 1800s

if you go to the county courthouse.

That's where they keep all that stuff. Wills, deeds, everything.

Yeah, I know. We were going to do that next.

But thank you.

Consumption. I told you.

Ma'am? Ms. Gunderson.

- Can I help you? - Yes, you may.

I am a cold case attorney from the firm, um...

- Salt and Pepperstein. - Okay.

And, um, I would like to heretofore request the will

of one Elizabeth Wadsworth from the year...

- 1875. - 1875.

Best I can do is provide you with a printout copy.

I'm not sure if you heard me,

but I'm an attorney, so, like, I'm gonna need the original copy.

This is all public record.

- Is it? - What does that mean?

What does that mean?

That means you don't have to pretend to be an attorney to see them.

Sorry.

The records from that era are no longer available.

They were converted to digital years ago.

But this should suffice for whatever your purposes are.

Just regular purposes. Like nothing weird. Just...

I don't believe it! This document has been forged!

How do you know it's been forged?

Bluetooth.

That is not my signature!

I didn't do my H's that way.

I put a squiggle with my W's. And I would never use a quill that thin.

And the ink I used is so much thicker, Hannah.

I had the most beautiful penmanship.

I simply do not understand why my husband would have done this.

I was explicitly clear that Wadsworth Manor,

my beloved father's home, would be left to the Pipkin family,

since I could not bear children of my own.

Wait, so if you couldn't bear children,

that means you're not even related to Tanner?

I am not. After my death, my husband remarried

and began a legacy of his own.

A legacy that is thriving today.

I don't know if I'd say "thriving." He's a total dick.

You and that word "Dick."

It's a shortened version of "Richard," yes?

I have known many, many Dicks in my lifetime.

I don't understand why it took you over 100 years

to figure out that he fucked you over.

That he screwed you over.

Messed you over?

That's better.

You know, for a ghost, your powers are pretty limited.

Aren't you supposed to be, like, all-knowing or whatever?

I just assumed my wishes had been fulfilled.

Nia always seemed so in charge, like her mother before her.

Okay. I have watched enough cold case shows

to be able to figure this out.

The first thing they do is they talk about what they already know.

So, what do we already know?

- Wadsworth Manor has tours. - You can write on a wall.

- I, Hannah, worked there for a while. - Just wipe it right off.

You, Lady Wadsworth,

is a ghost with crappy powers.

That's hurting my feelings a little bit.

"Crappy powers."

Anyone can get a will from a courthouse.

Well, you have just broken this case wide open.

Sarcasm.

I didn't think that was invented until the 1900s.

You know, for such an anal lady, you're actually pretty careless.

I don't know why you wouldn't have made a duplicate copy

of the will or something.

- Of course I made a duplicate copy. - What?

- Where is it? - In a book in my bedroom.

My God! Why didn't you tell me that?

We've wasted so much time doing all this research!

Well, surely the duplicate would have been discovered by now.

My crucial mistake was putting it

inside of such a wildly popular work of literature.

Where did you put it, in the Jesus book?

- The Bible? - Yes.

Close. The American Woman's Home by Harriet Beecher Stowe.

My God. Did you erase my lesson plan?

Look, I'm sorry to offend you,

but what we are doing IS SO much more important

than your little lesson plan.

- Okay? - Yeah. I can see that.

You know, if you're not gonna help, I'm going to kindly ask you to leave.

- This is my office. - Yeah.

Out of curiosity, how much longer are you planning on living here?

Hold that thought.

You don't happen to know someone in the play department,

by any chance, do you?

What?

And while I lived here, I hosted...

I'm sorry, but the 12:00 tour already started, Rabbi.

You can come back for the 2:00.

That's okay.

I have to, snip a little boy's wiener at that time,

so, I'll just go to this one.

Enjoy the tour.

Mazel.

In fact, in a few days, this lobby will once again host...

Yes!

Thief! I must insist that you vacate my bedroom at once!

It's me.

My God. It's Hannah, you idiot.

- My word! - I found the will.

What kind of sorcery is this?

How have you come to transform yourself so?

I got bit by a dog that has rabbis.

You don't get it.

I get it. I just don't find it to be humorous.

Like you would know funny.

I thought it was against the lady rules to even laugh.

It's against them to indulge in laughter.

That's nuts. Laughter is such a great part of life.

A little laughter is fine.

A touch of silliness.

I myself have been known to make a silly face from time to time.

Really? Let's see it.

I want to see it. Come on.

That's it? That's your silly face.

- Yes! - Come on.

It's like this. It's not even...

Okay. Try this one.

How about this?

- I couldn't possibly. - Come on.

- I couldn't possibly! - You were going like this. Try this one.

I'd love to hear what's so funny.

What have you got there?

Nothing.

Psst. Catch.

- Hello, police? - Fuck.

I'd like to report a break-in at Wadsworth Manor.

Now we must remain calm,

so we can figure out how to get another copy of that will

since your carelessness destroyed it,

along with my most cherished book, I might add.

I destroyed it? You're the one who didn't catch it!

I cannot touch material things of this world. You know that!

Then how the fuck were you planning on reading the book again?

- Your language is... - Is unladylike?

- Yes! - Guess what, Lizzie, it's not 1875.

Ladies say "fuck" and "shit" and "fart,"

and sometimes, gasp, they actually do fart and shit and fuck!

- At the same time? - Time to catch up to the 20th century.

It's the 21st century.

That's what I meant!

You always gotta be right, don't you?

I'm just never good enough or smart enough

or-or fucking ladylike enough.

And I am so sick of constantly being reminded.

Well, I am so sick of having to remind!

You are so utterly careless with your own affairs.

I was a fool to think you could help me with mine,

as friends are want to do.

Friends? We're not friends.

I never asked to be part of your life. Or afterlife.

Or whatever the fuck this is.

Everything okay in here, ladies?

Can I request a transfer?

Well, if that is the way that you feel, then I will not bother you anymore.

I'm sorry I haunted you.

I'm sorry if I have caused you any pain.

And I'm sorry for any cock blockage I may have put you through.

Wait! Don't go!

Okay.

I'm Jinx, by the way.

You got any extra meds that I can get?

Hey, Rabbi. You made bail.

I'm over here.

Actually, I think I'm gonna walk.

- I've got work to do. - Yeah?

Yeah. Someone's gotta save Wadsworth Manor.

- You really care about her? - What do you mean?

Lady Wadsworth. Remember, it wasn't that long ago

we were trying to sage her out of existence.

I care about Nia.

She deserves that house.

And I'm gonna make damn sure she gets it.

It's, like, how the fuck am I supposed to do this by myself?

Like, who do I think I am? Do you know who I am?

Do you? Like...

I was friends with a ghost, like, an actual ghost,

and now it's like, like, Tanner is such a dick!

You know, like, who cares?

Like, who cares?

Listen, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but here's the deal.

You're a smart, confident woman,

who I fully believe could do anything she sets her mind to.

Now go do it.

- Go. - You're right.

I can do anything you set my mind to.

Close enough.

I'm gonna make you proud!

Hey, hey, hey. You still have a tab here for $279.

- How you want to settle that? - What?

Yeah? 'Cause my friend is, like, calling out to me.

No, I'll be right there! Sorry.

I-I don't hear anything.

When I was alive, I hosted a number of festive galas and balls.

In fact... we may once again play host to such an event.

And right over here, of course, we have General Sherman's hat.

♪ Maybe living on another shore ♪

♪ Something different that I'm living for ♪

♪ Or someone ♪

♪ Cover to cover ♪

♪ Never satisfied ♪

♪ I'm going under I wanna go home won't never look back ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now, for now, enough ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now... ♪...

♪ I'm over everyone ♪

♪ I stay home, stay on the run ♪

♪ I go blind when the visions come ♪

♪ I'm kept under ♪

♪ And there's no other life ♪

♪ There's no living in another lie ♪

♪ There's nothing special about you and I ♪

♪ We're on our own like everyone else ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now, for now, enough ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now... ♪...

You've been tidying up in here, I see.

How's the investigation going, Sherlock?

I would kindly thank you not to patronize me.

You sound like you're giving a tour.

I'm sorry. Seriously, how is it going?

Not great. I just feel like I'm missing something.

I got it! You're missing your pipe and your hat.

Sherlock? Get it?

My God!

I'm sorry. That was the last one, I swear.

No. The hat.

It's in the hat! Holy shit. You're a genius!

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm not following you.

Okay. It doesn't matter. I will explain it to you on the way.

On the way to where?

On the way to the fancy campaign thing that you're hosting.

- Come on! - That's not for another four hours.

Come on, great. Well, that will give us time to find costumes.

Costumes?

Welcome to Wadsworth Manor.

Damn it, Hannah. If Tanner sees you,

- he's gonna flip his shit. - I know, but...

No! No! Sorry. Sorry, freaks. Not on the list.

Well, actually, um, I am Max Plumm, head of the Savannah Historical Society

and keynote speaker for the evening. Check your list.

We'll just get one of the other history nerds to do it.

Babe, what the fuck? You just left me there talking to...

My God, stop.

- What? - I can't.

- You can't what? - Deal.

- With what? - I'm dead.

I cannot deal with your outfits.

- I'm obsessed. - That's a good thing...

Well, it's a funny story.

Hannah used to work here until she was let go.

Don't know if you care to explain to your wife the reason behind that.

Bro.

I simply adore your costumes.

I simply adore yours.

Wonderful.

Gertrude Armitage.

My ex-husband went to school with Grayson.

Did he now?

This is my second husband. This is Felix.

Hello. Lady Wadsworth, and this is my first husband...

- Um... - Richmond Wadsworth.

She forgot my name.

Please forgive me. I was already thinking of

who I would like my second husband to be. Perhaps Felix.

Ooh! I'm gonna keep you two apart.

Grayson!

Felix, hello there.

You simply must meet our charming new guests.

Well, charming, I'm afraid I can't argue with,

but we are anything but new.

Yes, because we are dead.

- Yeah. - Well...

I just love the fact that you have decided to dress

as our beloved ancestors.

It's charming. Simply charming.

And may I introduce my wife.

- Lydia. - Charmed.

I'm charmed too.

The hem of your dress is filthy.

And who is this charming little rascal?

Don't mind Mother. She's not of sound mind, I'm afraid.

Sounder mind than you, rummy.

Mother. Please.

If you'll excuse us,

I think she just may need a breath of fresh air.

- Yes. - Come along, Mama.

So nice catching up with you.

Is that the accent you're going with?

- No good? - It's awful.

- Really? - It's so bad.

Attention! Your attention, please.

As most of you know, my name is Edna Smythe.

Please. Save your applause until the end.

Now, as vice chairwoman of the SPS,

I feel fortunate to introduce one of the earliest inhabitants

of this stunning domicile.

But before I do, I'd like to say a few words about...

Just "Wadsworth."

"Wadsworth."

- My God. - "My God."

You gonna do my Airbnb joke?

- I don't think so. - I think that's a mistake.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm gonna lose my job.

...of the glorious historical legacy of Savannah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lord Richmond Wadsworth.

Thank you! What a wonderful introduction.

Thank you kindly.

It is an honor to be back here for this most auspicious occasion.

But it is not I to whom this house

owes its rightful place among Savannah notoriety.

In 1865, General Sherman and his troops,

while they held my wife hostage at gunpoint,

and this is after they savagely marauded and pillaged their way across Georgia.

Too bad they didn't just use Airbnb.

So now, may I present my lovely wife, the Lady Elizabeth Wadsworth.

Shit.

Thank you kind citizens of Savannah.

I'd like to thank my husband for that kind introduction,

even though, truth be told, he wasn't always the kindest husband.

For one thing, he murdered me.

So...

What... what did she say?

What I said was your relative murdered me.

I'm pretty sure he did, anyway. But I am definitely sure of one thing.

This house, known as Wadsworth Manor,

was, in fact, not left to the Wadsworth's at all.

It was left to the family of my friend, Josephine Pipkin.

Snap.

Dear? Whatever is she talking about?

Okay, enough! This is crazy.

I know this lady, and she's no lady!

There are cameras everywhere, idiot. Don't do something stupid.

I recently came into possession of the original will, my will,

which I found had been doctored.

Sadly, that will was destroyed

because of a clumsy miscalculation on my part.

I tried to, It's a long story. It's not important.

But I do have here my diary.

Here. My diary.

Jesus Christ.

Which can easily be authenticated.

"The hat. Now my hat, once a symbol of Southern aggression,

I hereby proclaim anew as a symbol of Southern hospitality

and fellowship to all persons be they rich or poor, White or Black.

And I further declare whosoever possesses this hat

"to be the rightful owner of the manor in which it should forever rest."

- My dear, my dear, my dear. - Yeah.

I do admire your dedication to this matter.

- Thank you. - But that hat has been in the possession

of my family for generations now.

So, if we could get on with the festivities.

Marcus, would you escort the young lady from the stage please. Madam?

- Just one minute, sir. - Marcus! Do your job!

Wait! Wait! I can explain!

Nia. Nia Pipkin, will you please come up here?

Now, Nia, what did your great-great-lots- of-greats-grandmother

always sew in everything that she owned?

Her initials.

- Her initials. - So?

Josephine Zelda, it is not just the name of a legendary video game, sir...

- What is she talking about? - Pipkin. JZP.

Sewn into every dress, every pair of socks and every hat that she owned.

Darling, your cane?

You sure about this?

Everybody, please stand back.

And the truth shall reveal itself.

What is she doing?

Okay. I'm just gonna... just...

Fucker.

Okay. God.

Okay!

My God.

All right.

Sorry about that.

As I said, the truth shall reveal itself.

Show me "JZP."

Very exciting, wasn't it? Very exciting.

That was a wonderful performance. Just wonderful.

Okay. Let's go, psycho. Come on.

I don't get the big deal with that ugly old hat.

It used to be filthy. Like your dress.

What do you mean "it used to be filthy"?

It used to be filthy, yes,

until I took it and had it cleaned and had the old lining restored.

Okay.

Marcus, do your fucking job and get her outta here.

I don't think I work for you anymore.

What about the murder?

Right. My God. The-the murder. Yes.

Because I, Elizabeth, was unable to bear children,

my husband became increasingly agitated.

In fact, he became very abusive and, in short, he was quite a...

How would you say? Kind of a...

Dick.

Yes, thank you. A dick.

"I fear Richmond, perhaps in an intoxicated state,

of which he is increasingly prone to being in,

may come to do me harm."

That was one of the lady's last diary entries.

She died one week later of injuries sustained

from a fall, you guys.

Friends, ladies and gentlemen, please, please.

Tonight marks the launch of my campaign for mayor of Savannah.

And as mayor, one of my chief goals is to promote justice

for all of Savannah's citizens.

In light of the information and evidence presented here tonight,

I do hereby bequeath this house...

Did he just say "queef"?

...and all the contents herein

to its rightful heirs, and my dear friends,

- Nia and Marcus Pipkin. - This is retarded bullshit!

So, ladies and gentlemen... Son...

Would you all kindly raise your glasses and join me in a toast.

To Pipkin Manor.

Wonderful! Mama, drinks in the bar.

She's gone?

Yeah.

It's a good thing.

Thanks to you, she's not stuck here anymore.

- And thanks to you. - Yeah.

How's everybody doing today?

- Everyone all right? - Yeah.

Awesome.

Shit. I overslept.

Come on. Five more minutes.

- I would love to, but I can't. - Okay.

- Five minutes. Four minutes. - Jesus.

Knock 'em dead, lady.

Yeah, no problem.

My brother will reach out to you. Thank you.

Nia, I'm so sorry. We forgot to set the alarm.

Girl, you're fine.

- Have fun on the tour. - Thank you!

Well, the lady should be here any minute now.

And here she is now.

Thank you, Lord Pipkin.

I am your humble hostess,

Lady Elizabeth Daubmire.

I'd like to welcome you to Pipkin Manor.

Today you'll learn a bit about me,

but mostly I'll be telling you about this beautiful manor

and why it is so very, very special.

So, today's tour will begin where all good home tours should begin,

in the bar room.

Usually, I like to wait until the sun

has dipped below the banyan tree in our backyard

before I have my afternoon mint julep, but...

since-since y'all are here...

why don't you go on ahead with Lord Pipkin,

and, I'll see you in the lobby.

Well, come on, friends.

Come on in. Don't push.

There you go. Welcome to my home.

I'm so proud of you.

Wow! What are you doing here?

I just wanted to say hello.

It was my house, after all.

I don't quite know how to say this, but you don't have to be here.

Like, I'm good.

Looking for Hannah Daniels.

Okay. I'm Hannah Daniels. Can I help you, Officers?

Ma'am, you are under arrest for violating the Georgia penal code 147-b.

- What? What even is that? - Public flatulence.

Failure to register as a sex offender within 30 days.

- Hannah. - That's real?

Hannah, haven't I taught you that a lady never offends sexually?

I didn't. Shit.

- Language! - Sorry.

Okay, y'all. Let's-let's go on inside.

I'll be here when you get back!

Bye, Hannah!

♪ I used to wish I was never born ♪

♪ Now I don't "cause I found you ♪"

♪ It's really cool you like me too ♪

You don't need to be in character anymore. You already told me you're 19.

- "Tons of pubes." - I have tons of pubes, by the way.

I don't like this kid.

- You're laughing. - Sorry!

Cubed is my favorite way to eat meat.

I have a great teeth whitening team if you want to borrow them.

- It's more than one guy? - Yeah, it's a team.

Well, all right.

- That's bullshit, by the way. - What?

You're good at a lot of things. I think.

- Sorry. - Yeah. You're messing this up.

What's a good dildo shake position?

Keep in mind this is gonna be my Oscar clip, so...

- Yeah. "For your consideration." ” - We want it... Yeah.

- She's gone? - Yeah.

Well, most of her is gone.

But it's good. It's nice.

It's good. You know, she's not stuck anymore.

Yeah.

She's not all pent up anymore. She's been relieved.

- Just go away. - Okay.

Look. I've cracked the code.

And I've changed your flight.

You'll now take off at 4:00 p.m.

You'll connect in Dallas.

What the fuck is your problem?

- What's your problem? - Sorry. We're so close.

What do you mean? What's your problem?

Look, my uncle's friends with the DA. I talked to him.

They're dropping all the charges. No, they're not. Sorry.

Yeah, I think so. Maybe a little bounce. This would be fun.

- Okay. - Who is this man?

Well, if you must create wind from either the front or the back...

If you must...

If you must...

Look.

This is not me helping you, but you... Would you stop?

What? I'm acting in the scene.

So good. I'm sorry.

Yes. You and that word "Dick."

Sorry. It's my fault.

I guess I'll get a fresh squeezed tangerine juice.

But no pulp.

I guess I'll just have a Cajun-spice Bloody Mary,

but don't crowd it up with all those celery stalks and bullshit.

I guess I'll just take a green tea mocha latte,

but with cow milk!

None of that vegan bullshit.

Then I'll just get a mint chocolate-chip milkshake, but no chips.

Then I'm getting a bikini wax at 3:00.

Well, thank God. I had a whisker rash for four days.

I wasn't able to do campaign.

Brian, can you start closer to this camera?

I guess that'll never make the cut.

I don't think so.