Original subtitles

Deadly Dinos, laser beams

Putrid plants, cool machines

Potty planets, moody moon

Strange sights, big booms

Experiments that make you hurl

Visitors from other worlds

Earth's core, stinky space

The future of the human race

Science that did not go right

Things to keep you up at night

Biology with stings and bangs

Chemistry with stinks and bangs

Freaky physics, we do that

Quantum gravity, what's that?

Weird and grossed up, you should know

Welcome to...

Horrible Science Show. #

Welcome to our Earth And Space Special,

and welcome to my first-ever guest, rapping science teacher

and internet sensation, Matt Green!

Hello, hello.

Oh, I was going to be a rapper too,

but I could never think of any words that rhymed with my planet, Quark.

So, I gave up.

Really? What about shark, bark, lark?

Lucky start.

Ark, spark, the dark... All right, all right.

No need to show off!

How's about a rap about the Earth to kick us off?

All right. Let's go for it.

Today we're going to tell you about a very special planet,

That humans, plants and animals can live and inhabit,

It's where you're watching from right now,

Where we call home,

A special part of space called the Goldilocks Zone

Relax and join us as you learn about its worth,

This blue-and-green spinning ball that we call planet Earth. #

Oh, oh, that was very good!

Have you got anything on the water cycle?

I mean, that's the key to life, innit?

Yeah, of course.

Er, no need, because we've already got a song about that, actually.

Ha-ha! OK.

I'll give you some more rhymes for Quark then.

Mark, snark, lark... La-la-la-la-la-la!

Can't hear you, can't hear you! La-la-la-la-la-la!

There is this thing on Earth that happens called the water cycle

Water continuously moves

From oceans, lakes, to clouds, to rain and then into the rivers

And back to oceans pretty soon

The water moves round through evaporation, condensation

Precipitation, throughout all nations

Deserts are quite dry

Same water that fills the sea is what you use to make tea

And, yes, lots has also been wee... #

Sorry. What?

It's me, hi, I'm the Earth, it's me

The water cycle gives me all that I need

And I must thank my friend, the sun, for helping with the process

It must be exhausting, always moving through the water cycle

Evaporation is when water heats and turns to vapour

It rises up into the sky

The vapour hangs out

Forming clouds of different shapes and sizes

And they can float up pretty high

And when it cools, it's called condensation

It's next occupation, fall as precipitation

Rain, sleet, hail and snow

And after landing, it's not standing

The water runs off the land, the rivers are enchanting

Watch the water flow

From sea to sky

Then back down to the sea

Each drop goes round fulfilling its destiny

I think it must be pretty fun to be a water droplet

I feel quite exhausted just thinking about the water cycle

The water cycle gives me all that I need

To keep alive, animals, plants and trees

This makes me need a wee

And I must thank my friend the sun for helping with the process

I could keep on talking so much longer about the water cycle. #

I think I'll go and wee.

FLUSHING

CLASSICAL MUSIC SWELLS

Miss Cleverely, I wish to shout our love from the rooftops!

Oh, I, too, Mr Piggerton!

But I'm still engaged to Lord Toadyface.

Yeah, and that is why I have challenged the rotter to a duel!

But, Mr Piggerton, he is a master swordsman! Pfft!

I cannot see how you can win in the current climate.

My dear, the climate can change in an instant.

Yesterday it was rainy, today is sunny. Oh, no...

RECORD SCRATCH ..that's weather, not climate.

Regardless, I will bravely defend our love to the end!

I'm sorry, what was the difference?

Well, the weather can change from day to day, from hour to hour,

even from minute to minute.

One moment, it's sunny...

It always feels like the sun is shining when I'm with you.

Aww, thank you. It's OK.

..and the next moment, it's windy.

WIND GUSTS

Oh! Pleh, pleh, pleh!

Then suddenly, it's raining.

Oh! What on earth?!

And then it starts snowing.

WIND HOWLS

How are you doing this?

That's great. Thank you, Digby.

Mm.

Digby!

You planned this with my gardener?!

I had a feeling you'd ask about the weather, so we set it up earlier.

So that's the weather. What about the climate?

The climate is the weather in one

area over a long period, say 30 years.

Right, so if it's hot for a long period,

then you'd say it's a hot climate?

Yes. And if it's hot and wet all year round

and close to the equator, we'd say that was a tropical climate.

Hot water.

I suppose that's something. Thank you, Digby.

You're welcome, sir.

Are you sure you don't want the hailstones, Milady?

I've got new cricket balls.

Yeah, she's quite sure. Mm...

So, the weather changes all the time.

Sometimes it's sunny. Sometimes it's rainy.

Sometimes it even hails.

No! Mm... But changes in the climate take longer.

No, Digby, I pay you.

And that is the difference between climate and weather.

Well, thank you. That was very enlightening.

Oh, lightning! I nearly forgot about that.

Ready with the lightning, Milady! ELECTRICITY BUZZES

No, no, no, no! Mr Piggerton! Where are you going?

To fight the duel. It's safer than staying here!

Mm...

Evil Plan Number 307: Come up with more evil plans.

SLURPS TEA NOISILY

GULPS

Ahhh.

Good morning, hench-people.

Today is Bring Your Evil Scheme To Work Day.

Yay!

I said, "Yay." ALL: Yay!

I'd like to hear all of your fun ideas

for holding the world to ransom.

Dev, would you like to go first?

OK.

Um, so, er...you know how the Earth is a rich source of fossil fuels?

Oil, gas, coal, sure.

Why don't we threaten to burn a load of them,

releasing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere?

It's a greenhouse gas, so it will trap all the heat from the sun,

and it'll cause the globe to warm up.

I call it...Earth Heating.

Seriously? That's your big plan?

Firstly, people are already doing that... Oh...

..and secondly, it's already got a name. It's called global warming.

See? You've been beaten to it.

But how did you...? I have pictures for every occasion.

They don't call me Dr Big Brain for nothing.

Say hello to my river of lava.

PING!

Bye, Dev.

Thank you for the opportunity...!

TEARFULLY: So sad. I don't think I'll ever get over his death.

Daphne, you're next.

Um...

Well, you know how trees help the planet

by removing carbon dioxide gas from the atmosphere?

Yes, they take in carbon dioxide and sunlight for food,

and release oxygen - it's called photosynthesis.

Yeah. Well, what if threaten to cut down all the forests?

I call it...

..Untreeing!

People are already doing that, too! It's called deforestation!

Oh.

How many pictures do you have?

You'll never know.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! I've-I've got another idea.

It'd better not be something people are doing already.

OK, so cows release loads of methane

when they, like, burp and fart and stuff...

PFFFFRT! ..which is an even stronger

greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide, mind.

I hope you're not about to say that we should farm billions of cows,

releasing even more methane into the atmosphere

and then call it something stupid like "Cattle Royale". No!

I called it a Moo-nami.

Daphne, could you say "human cannonball"?

PING! Human cannonbaaaaaaaaaaaaaall!

TEARFULLY: Oh, so sad.

I don't think I'll ever get over her death.

Now, Felix, would you like to pitch your idea,

or shall we just skip to the part

where I drop you into a piranha tank?

Well, I'm feeling good about this.

What if the real evil scheme was to actually save the Earth?

Keep going. Remember there's no such thing as a bad idea.

Oh, wait. Yes, there is, and it would result in your death.

We could encourage people to use renewable energy like solar,

we could use carbon capture projects

to take carbon dioxide out of the air.

We could plant more trees.

And once we've ensured the Earth's survival for future generations,

I can destroy it!

The fools will never see it coming!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha...

Ah, it's brilliant! Ha-ha-ha! Hee-hee-hee!

Ha-ha...!

PING!

Ooh! Arrrrrgh!

Oops. Um...

DISTANT SPLASH

Your name will not be forgotten, young Phillip. Felix!

CRUNCH!

Ow! Whatever.

SLURPS TEA NOISILY

Oi, oi! Superstar incoming!

Yeah, there's lots you can do to keep your planet healthy.

But you know one thing that you guys literally couldn't live without?

Me!

The heat and light I provide keep life on Earth going.

No need to thank me.

I said no need to thank me.

Thanks, sun! Thank you! Thanks, sun! We love you! Thank you so much.

Better.

But, sadly for you, you don't see me all the time, like at night.

And in some places, you don't see me for months on end.

Imagine that! Not having me there to light up your lives.

I really do feel for you.

..presents...

EVIL LAUGH

..a terrifying tale

of heart-breakingly handsome vampires on holiday.

Oh.

Wow, you have, like, zero bed hair.

Yeah, thanks, man.

Got to brush my fangs, though. Bad case of coffin breath.

Yah. Er, can I borrow your toothpaste? Yeah, yeah, sure.

Look, your hairdryer's in with me for some reason. Ah.

There'd better be a yoga studio somewhere nearby!

Two eternal friends taking time to unwind, and avoid deadly sunlight.

Such a sick idea coming to a town in the Arctic Circle, man.

I know, I know.

Where we are now, here, near the North Pole,

thanks to the tilt of the Earth,

there is no sunlight from October all the way to early March.

That's like six straight months of total darkness! Yaaasss!

We can hunt humans to our dark hearts' content, all winter,

and there is nothing they can do about it.

Yah! How does my hair look?

Gorgeous. I know.

Let's show the North Pole how to party.

Karaoke bar? Don't mind if I do.

Argh! Argh! Sunlight! Are you sure we're in the right place?

What flights did you buy? I don't know.

I'm 700 years old. I'm not great with booking stuff online.

Oh, yah, no, you've done the South Pole, not the North Pole.

That's bad.

At the South Pole, there's constant sunlight for six months!

Oh, no! No darkness whatsoever!

WEAKLY: I'm turning to dust!

Yet you still look fantastic! I know.

The shortest vampire movie ever made.

Matt, how rude of me.

We've been so busy talking about your planet

that I haven't properly welcomed you to my planet, Quark.

What do you think?

Looks amazing. It's so different to Earth. Mm.

I love how pretty that volcano is.

Hmm?

PFFFFRT!

Call yourself a scientist, Matt? I think you'll find that's a fartcano.

PFFFFRT!

A what?! A fartcano? What's the difference between a...?

HE SNIFFS

Ugh. The smell's just reached me.

Oh, delicious, innit?

Are those bits of lava I can see flying out the fartcano?

Kind of.

Hi, guys.

It's me, Lieutenant Grace.

Hands up who's about to blast off into space.

Me!

Astronaut alert! I'm going to be...

THUD

Ow!

Can you keep in down in there? We're trying to work.

Yeah, sure.

But guess what? I'll be keeping a diary of my awesome trip

to the International Space Station.

And guess who's coming with me?

Apart from Professor No Fun back there.

Professor Lambington!

Pow!

BLEATING

Time for blast off.

ROCKET RUMBLES

Woohoo!

Get ready, Professor Lambington. We're nearly there!

I'm here, on the International Space Station,

and I have to say, the views are incredible!

Seven wees today, and it's not even lunchtime.

Apparently, water moves differently around your body in space,

cos of the lower gravity,

and that tricks your body into thinking...you need to go.

Lieutenant, are you going to be long?

PFFFFFRT!

Space walk time!

Need a wee, need a wee, need a wee, need a wee!

I have just got back from my first space walk!

Just me, floating in the vastness of space,

contemplating my place in...

SHE VOMITS

Nausea and aching's normal.

Whoa.

All the vomit's formed into floating balls.

It's quite stunning, actually, for vomit.

I've got to do this for two hours a day,

otherwise my muscles won't work

when I get home.

At least the needing a wee thing gets better though, right?

No. I still need to go.

CLATTERING

Ow!

Ah...I forgot that I'm also five centimetres taller

because of the lower gravity. Ow.

I've just had my first space poo.

I haven't been for a week!

PFFFRT!

It's the lack of gravity.

Things don't pass through you as quickly as they do on Earth.

How did it go?

Like passing a concrete sausage.

Buy now!

The gloves we have to wear are rubbing.

So my fingers nails have fallen off.

Ewww!

Cool.

Here we go, Professor Lambington! Splash landing!

Well, I'm home!

Ow!

I've lost 30% of my muscle mass,

I've got no finger nails,

and gravity has only just started working on my...

GUTS GURGLE

Coming through!

CLATTERING

Ow!

Yeah, still taller.

Please like and follow,

but maybe just not too closely. GUTS GURGLE

Hello! I am Sir Isaac Newton.

I'm at something called a "theme park"...

..and this is Science At Speed.

Get ready, because we're about to travel at over 7km an hour.

Yeah, it's over 70km an hour.

Oh, that's a lot faster.

That's OK, I have absolutely no problems with...

Somebody stop him!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Today on Science At Speed...

And I shall be answering the question...

I mean, 70km an hour does seem awfully fast, doesn't it?

Isn't there a slower setting?

Arrrrrrgh!

SHOUTING: Sound is a type of energy

that is created when objects vibrate!

Arrrrrrgh! Aaaargh! Arrrgh!

The object's vibrations make the air around them vibrate too!

Arrrrrghhhh! Argh-aaaargh!

Sound vibrations travel in waves,

and those vibrations eventually arrive at the ear,

which create vibrations inside of the ear,

which the brain then makes sense of.

Why are we going backwards?!

Arrrrgh-argh-arrrrh!

The waves of sound don't just travel..

Ohhhhhh...!

..through air, they also travel through liquids.

Also types of solids!

Oh, we're going upside down.

Ahhh-ha-ha!

Oh, oh...

Now, liquid, air and solids

are all made up of tiny things called molecules.

And it's these molecule...

Oh, no, I can't bear this. I can't bear this!

Molecules are the things that are vibrating.

There are no molecules in the vacuum of spa-ah-ah-ace!

Argh! Argh! Ah...

And therefore sound cannot travel in space.

STOMACH GURGLES

Well...that went quite well, I thought.

I'm Sir Isaac Newton and that was the answer to the question,

"Is there sound in space?"

STOMACH GURGLES

I could have just answered "no", really, saved us all the bother.

Me, me, me! Oh, hi.

You just caught me doing my vocal warm-ups.

A lot of people don't realise that I'm an incredible singer,

because sound doesn't travel in space,

so it's really hard to hear me do this.

WARBLING: La-la-la-la-la-la-la! #

Beautiful, huh?

It's not just sound that's different in space.

All the rules are a bit weird.

Like with your moon -

you see it most nights,

and it definitely looks like a planet, but it's not.

And I can tell you why in this moving song I wrote.

WARBLING: Moon, moon, la-la-la-la-la-la... #

Oh!

SHE TUTS

Never going to win NASA's Got Talent.

Director Lamont!

You can't outrun me, Leslie!

I'm sorry. He pushed his way in.

Out of my way, Leslie! Oof!

I'm here to sign up.

What? Show me the forms.

Yes.

Name - The Moon.

Occupation - Moon. Address - Moon, I guess.

What exactly are you applying for?

Because if it's to be an astronaut, you wouldn't fit in the rocket.

Astronaut? Heh-heh-heh-heh!

Ridiculous! No, I want to be a planet.

Ah-ha-ha-ha. A planet? You can't. You're the Moon.

But I'm big and round and I float in space.

Sounds pretty planet-y to me.

It's not that simple. There are rules to follow.

Oh, great, let's hear them.

You have to be big enough to generate the gravity needed

to force yourself into a spherical shape.

Tick. That's just one of the rules. Thank you, Leslie.

Leslie, I never liked you.

"But..."? No, I've finished.

You also have to be big enough that your gravity is strong enough

to capture smaller objects in the same orbit of the sun,

or push them out of your way.

Sorry, is that golf ball supposed to be me?

Pfft, rude! I look way more handsome!

In your case, it's the Earth that attracts everything,

because the Earth is way bigger than you are.

Oh. So...you fail that test. Bad luck.

Oh, talk to the dark side, Leslie.

THUD

Oh!

You also fail the third test - you have to orbit a star.

Well, I orbit the sun, that's a star!

No, you orbit the Earth, and the Earth orbits the sun.

Wait. So I can't be a planet whilst I'm orbiting the Earth?

Afraid not.

Fine, that's it.

I'm leaving orbit.

Moon, you can't leave.

Sh. Don't make it harder than it is.

No, you physically can't leave.

You're stuck in the Earth's gravitational pull.

Oh. Well, actually, I think you'll find

we've been drifting apart for years.

Tell her, Leslie! Actually, he's right.

The moon is moving away from the Earth

at around four centimetres a year.

So, goodbye forever.

Here I go!

Four whole centimetres, baby!

Is that it?

Yeah. Four centimetres a year?

He's going to be here forever. Well, I don't know about that.

Leslie, we're going to lunch.

No, wait, because, no, I'm going to move again

in...in a year, and you're going to miss it.

Didn't want to be a planet anyway!

Matt, thank you for coming all the way to Quark

to help me with my Earth And Space Special.

No problem. It's been great. Thanks, Pipette.

Must have been nice to spend some time with someone

who knows everything about space.

So, er...if you've got any final questions, just feel free to ask.

Great. How do I get home?

Haven't got a clue. Got any easier ones?

Oh, no. So I'm going to be stuck on the planet of the fartcanos?

I know! Lucky, right?!

But, hey, the planets in your solar system are pretty cool too,

and here is a song about them.

But seriously, though, how do I get home? Sh!

PFFFRT!

Mercury, Venus, one and two

Earth makes three That's home to you

Mars rocks in at number four

Jupiter, Saturn - there's two more

Uranus and Neptune, then we're done

The eight planets of the solar system!

Mercury, smallest and closest to the sun

Living on this rocky planet would not be much fun

Temperature ranges are mighty severe

And get this - its day is twice as long as its year

Venus is called my Evil Twin

Yeah, it's not the kind of atmosphere you'd want to live in

It may look pretty in the evening sky

But this planet of volcanoes is selling you a lie

Third rock, Earth - I'm the place you call home

Spinning, beautiful and blue in the Goldilocks Zone

A planet with life, yeah, that makes me unique

And I orbit round you every four weeks... #

You're crowding me. Move!

Mars, the red planet, at rock number four

The Romans named it after their god of war

A bone-dry planet where it never rains

The dust storms rage across its mountainous plains

Mercury, Venus, one and two

Earth makes three That's home to you

Mars rocks in at number four

Jupiter, Saturn - there's two more

Uranus and Neptune, then we're done,

The eight planets of the solar system

Jupiter, the largest and fifth from the sun

With its great red spot, it's gas giant number one

Massive Saturn Doesn't it look nice?

With its shimmering rings made of rock and ice

Uranus Or "Yur-ay-nus"

OK, you decide what to call planet seven that lies on its side

This big gassy giant's as cold as can be

With huge diamonds floating on a carbon sea

Neptune is our last but not least number eight

If you don't like sunlight then this place is great... #

Sh!

There was a time when we had a planet nine... #

Yeah, but it should be noted Pluto got demoted

Mercury, Venus, one and two

Earth makes three - that's home to you

Mars rocks in at number four

Jupiter, Saturn - that's two more

Uranus and Neptune, and we're done

The eight planets of the solar system

All spinning round the burning sun

The eight planets of the solar system. #

Yeah. It's the key to life, innit?

Yeah. Have you...? Hang on. Let's go back.

Let's do it again. Let's go back.

Sorry. I forgot one...

Me, then you, then me, then you. Yeah, yeah. It's like tennis.

Your planet's in the solar snare... heh...bleh...ahalafanarr.

I think that...I think that works. Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

Regardless, I will bravely defend your love for loo-la-la-la!

Sorry.

They don't call me Dr Big Brain for nothing.

Say hello to my river of lava.

That's hard to say.

It's like trying to push a cow through a cat flap.

THEY LAUGH

Arrrrgh! OK.

Then the other...

No, no. That's all you're getting.

Weird and gross stuff you now know

Hope you enjoyed the Horrible Science Show! #

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