Original subtitles

Deadly dinos, laser beams, putrid plants, cool machines

Potty planets, moody moons, strange science, big booms

Experiments that make your hurl, visitors from other worlds

Earth's core, stinky space, the future of the human race

Science that did not go right, things that keep you up at night

Biology with stings and fangs, chemistry that stinks and bangs

Freaky physics we do that

Quantum gravity, what's that?

Weird and gross stuff you should know

Welcome to the Horrible Science show! #

HE WAILS

Heh! How would you programme a computer made from musical seaweed?

HE YELLS

What? Is this a joke?!

Uh-huh! OK...I don't know.

How would you programme a computer made from musical seaweed?

You'd use an algae-rhythm!

Oh, I don't get it.

Urgh! Seaweed is a type of algae...

..and you use rhythm when you dance.

Algae-rhythm! Like, algorithm.

I thought having a captive audience would be better than this.

HE YELLS

Chomp!

Yes, it worked!

Oh, I don't understand all that computer stuff.

It's too complicated.

Programming is actually not that difficult.

Pfft! I don't know. I can barely even bake a cake.

I'd have no chance programming a computer.

It's actually very similar.

Do you have to leave it to cool down for a long time?

No! Have you heard of algorithms? Was he on Strictly?

No. An algorithm is just a list of instructions

that shows you how to complete a task.

Kind of like a cake recipe. This is how it works.

Uploading...

Algorithms are easy

You want a robot to make you a cake for tea

Just got to take it step by step

Because robots don't have brains in their heads

It only knows what to do

If clear instructions have been programmed in by you

Like as you mix the eggs and flour

Then stick it in the oven for an hour

It won't know what filling to put in

Unless a human like me

Has put the code in

You must be careful what you type

It won't know what type of jam you'd like

A code, it flows

So the computer knows

Just what to do

But it needs to be told by you

And then the action starts again

A clear program,

That's an algorithm

Algorithms can learn from you

From the films you watch

And tunes you listen to

Just a set of rules again

And it helps you choose more of the same

Now we know how it's done

Can we program it to start having some fun?

I think I know just what you mean

How about a really cool dance routine?

So now you know just how the story goes

A set of rules

That tell you what to do

A recipe, simple as ABC

A clear program, that's an algorithm

That's an algorithm. #

I totally get it.

So a computer can do anything,

but it'll get stuck unless you give it clear instructions? Exactly.

SHOUTS SLOWLY: Mix that, please!

My arm is tired!

Shocking electricity!

Wicked plan number 63. The Electrical Circuit Of Doom.

Aah, Agent Goodie!

So nice of you to join me for this little chat.

What do you want, Dr Poo Stain?

It's Big Brain, and I want the nuclear codes,

the King's private phone number,

and the PIN number for the Bank Of England.

And I've tried 1-2-3-4, so don't try and fob me off with that.

You're getting nothing out of me.

That's where you're wrong.

For I have created a most evil and devious device

to get you to talk.

It will shine bright lights into your eyes,

buzz irritating noises into your ears...

CRACKLING AND SCRAPING

..and tickle you with a teeny-tiny feather.

You monster! Not a teeny-tiny feather! Please!

Paul. Oh, now?

Yes, now!

Time to turn on the machine.

EVIL LAUGH

Hang on.

Ah-ha!

Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Come on!

Work with me!

Ha-ha-ha!

Have you tried turning it off and on again? Obviously!

And I'm about to check all the parts of the electrical circuit down here

are all connected, so you don't have to suggest that, Smarty Pants!

Right. Let's...

What? Wait! What's all this stuff doing here?

CLATTERING

Paul. Yeah? Did you follow the simple diagram

of the electric circuit I gave you

to put together my most evil and devious device?

Yes, that one. Oh. I tried.

I just didn't understand it. It's very simple, Paul.

It's a chain of different parts that allow electricity to go around.

If you use the wrong parts or put them in the wrong order,

the electricity doesn't go round, and the machine won't work.

I just didn't understand your, like, little symbols.

They're not MY symbols, Paul! They're used across the world!

Look! That one is a power cell that provides

the electricity for the circuit! Oh!

You see, I saw the plus and minus symbols, and I assumed it was...

A calculator? Yeah.

I thought you were going to, like, torture her with really hard maths.

OK. Well, that one looks like an X. So you thought...?

Well, first I put in a pair of scissors,

because they look like an X.

Do they? And then I realised that was a bit silly.

So I put eggs in instead, because it sounds like X.

X. Eggs.

It's the symbol for a light bulb! You don't put eggs

in electrical circuits!

What was the spaghetti for?!

Well, I couldn't work out what the wiry lines were.

The wiry lines were wires!

Ah.

I think it's about time we talked

about the skateboard. Oh. You're seriously telling me

that this isn't a skateboard? Yes.

It's a switch in the on position,

just as that is a switch in the off position.

The switch turns the circuit on and off, funnily enough!

On/off. On/off. On/off.

Not that anything will work anyway, because you filled it with eggs!

Why bother with the machine? Let's just cook up a carbonara!

Sir, Agent Goodie is, like, escaping.

Huh? Until next time, Dr Blocked Drain.

It's Big Brain!

Oh! Well, at least we won't need the circuit to torment anyone any more.

Oh, I don't know, Paul. I've kind of got someone else in mind now.

It's me, isn't it?

Take a walk with me, Paul.

We don't use electricity on my planet, Quark.

We have developed a source of entirely green energy.

SNEEZES

See? Bogey power.

It's great, but it's hard to sleep

when you've got a cold, because you can't switch the lights off!

All right, boom, it's your boy Big Danny here,

checking out some mad science from the past.

I'm in France, 1746, settings with my brethren,

Jean-Antoine Nollet, yeah, to test out the speed

of electrical currents, yeah. This experiment's going to be a mad ting,

because electricity moves very fast, don't it?

That's actually the purpose of the experiment,

to test just how fast it travels.

Yo, for this one, Jean-Antoine got bare brass poles

and a Leyden jar, a next-level gadget from the past

that traps electricity, to release some zaps, innit,

like a modern-day battery.

Then, he got a squad of 200 monks to stand in a circle

holding the brass poles to connect them all.

And now he's going to connect all that to the Leyden jar,

so electricity passes through the monks.

Yo, is this safe?

Yeah.

Even if you got a whole bunch of monks

and you're rolling in ends, yeah,

don't try this at home.

Ha-ha! Allez!

Oh! Oh, yes!

How cool was that!? They all jumped at the same time!

You see that? They all jumped at the same time

because the current was moving bare fast, guys.

How does it feel to be a lickle part of science, cuz?

I can taste burning in my mouth.

Sizzling monks and that, hear me.

Anyways, you know what time it is. Still.

Extreme Earth!

Yes, yes, bruv.

It's me, the one and only Sun.

Now I'm a bit older than you lot -

about four-and-a-half- billion years -

so I can look at things in a mature, long-term way.

I'm not obsessed with today's weather like you guys.

You're all like, "A bit nippy today, innit?"

"Oh, it's too rainy, it's too windy, too sunny".

Rude. What are you moaning about the weather for?

It changes all the time! Get over it.

I've been around long enough to moan about the climate.

That takes way longer to change.

So quit your whinging and jog on, yeah? You're blocking my rays!

Miss Cleverly, I wish to shout our love from the rooftops!

Oh, I too, Mr Piggerton!

But I'm still engaged to Lord ToadyFace.

Yeah, and that is why I have challenged the rotter to a duel!

But Mr Piggerton, he is a master swordsman! Pfft!

I cannot see how you can win in the current climate.

My dear, the climate can change in an instant.

Yesterday it was rainy, today is sunny.

Oh, no, that's weather, not climate. Regardless...

I will bravely defend our love to the end!

I'm sorry, what was the difference?

Well, the weather can change from day-to-day,

from hour-to-hour, even from minute-to-minute.

One moment it's sunny...

It always feels like the sun is shining when I'm with you.

Aww, thank you. It's OK. And the next moment it's windy.

Oh!

Then suddenly it's raining.

Oh! What on earth!?

And then it starts snowing.

How are you doing this? That's great. Thank you, Digby.

Mm.

Digby. You planned this with my gardener!

I had a feeling you'd ask about the weather, so we set it up earlier.

So if that's the weather, what about the climate?

A climate is the weather in one area over a long period, say, 30 years.

Right, so, if it's hot for a long period

then you'd say it's a hot climate?

Yes. And if it's hot and wet all year round

and close to the Equator, we'd say that was a tropical climate.

Hot water. I suppose that's something. Thank you, Digby.

You're welcome, sir.

Are you sure you don't want the hailstones, Milady?

I've got new cricket balls.

Yeah, she's quite sure. Mm.

So, the weather changes all the time.

Sometimes it's sunny. Sometimes it's rainy.

Sometimes it even hails.

No! But changes in the climate take longer.

No! Digby, I pay you!

And that is the difference between climate and weather.

Well, thank you. That was very enlightening.

Oh, lightning! I nearly forgot about that.

Ready with the lightning, Milady! No, no, no, no!

Mr Piggerton! Where are you going? To fight the duel.

It's safer than staying here!

Mm.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

Talk about the weather.

Planet Quark has suddenly been hit by a torrent of extreme wind.

FARTING

And unfortunately, our wind stinks!

Ugh! You can even taste it.

Luckily, on Quark, our pterodactyls always warn us

about the bad weather!

Oh! Bit late! But animals can be great at predicting the weather,

and not just here on Quaaaark!

And now to brighten your day,

or ruin it with rain,

it's Heather With The Weather.

That's right. I'm Heather With The Weather,

and I've got a whole bunch of new weather reporters for you today.

What do you mean, they're animals?

Ha! What do animals know about the weather?

Well, I guess we're going to find out.

Hello, froggies. What's the weather like there?

Ribbit!

Sorry. I'm talking to frogs,

and none of them seem to know anything about the weather.

Actually, frogs can sense the drop in air pressure in the atmosphere

that happens before it rains. That's why they're making a lot of noise.

I don't know who you are.

I'm just a guy that likes frogs.

Great. Er, so, you heard it, folks.

If frogs are getting a croak on, it's time to get your coat on.

An animal couldn't write that, could they?

Let's head to Iceland now, for a report from some sheep!

Baa! They can't speak.

They're sheep. I thought as much. Thank you. Ah, but they can pee.

Ah! That's...great news.

Oh! Look at the colour of that sheep's pee.

Eww.

We believe that if you study the colour of the wee,

you know what the weather's going to be like for the next few days.

If it's yellow, it's sunny, and if it's grey, it's just more rain.

Er, what do their plops tell you?

PLOPPING

That I'm going to have a really horrible morning's work.

OK. Let's go to Florida now.

And there's our expert, and of course, it's a shark...?

And he's gone. Where's he gone?

Sharks swim to deeper waters when there's a hurricane coming?

Well, I take it back. Thank you for the report, Sharky.

Well, there you have it.

Animals, it turns out, can predict the weather

just as well as the human experts.

Amazing! Maybe they'll replace me with an animal next week.

SHE LAUGHS

They're not going to do that,

are they, Dave? Because it's not gone well today.

This is where the finest prehistoric minds... UGGGGG!

..pitch their ideas to the Dragons. Arrr!

Who will succeed

in Neolithic Dragons' Den?

Last week, Tharg, a hunter and part-time gatherer,

impressed our Dragons with his new invention...

We call it Burny Hot Hot.

..and secured investment from Deborargh

after agreeing to change its name to fire.

Now, fellow hunter and part-time gatherer Margh

is here to see if he can get backing for his new project.

It's moved by magic. No, no, Petargh.

It on rollers! Oh!

Hello, Dragons. Me call new invention Roly Slope.

What Roly Slope thing do? You show now.

Petargh, lift boulder up here.

Come on, Muscles, show us what you've got. OK.

Petargh, Petargh, Petargh!

Don't worry, me super strong. Ooh!

Here go.

HE STRAINS

HE FARTS

Oh, Petargh! You try it. It's heavy!

OK. Watch this.

HE GRUNTS

Oh!

Oh, the wood is very strong.

Roly Slope take much weight of boulder.

It make easy to move. It basic engineering.

What net projected profit over next three years?

Er...

Uh...

Roly Slope good.

Me in.

Joy for Margh, who leaves with a deal.

You'll all be buying 'em!

Next time, after the success of his Roly Slope -

what we call an inclined plane -

Margh's back with an upliftingly prehistoric invention - the pulley.

Oh, dear.

CHEERFUL MUSIC

I'm here with...

James Starley. James Starley.

Yes, thank you. I know.

I presume, Mr Starley, you're here because you'd like my help

finding the missing wheel of your tricycle.

Er, no, ma'am. This is a new invention called a bicycle,

and it's meant to have two wheels.

Surely with only two wheels, it'll just fall over?

Actually, ma'am, the forces created by the spinning of the wheel

help the contraption stay upright.

It's like when you roll a coin and it doesn't fall over.

Pick that up at once! It's got my face on it!

Seepage, demo. Of course, ma'am.

Your face, ma'am. Oh! Thank you.

Hot, don't you think? Er...

Seepage away! Does he know what he's doing? No.

There's something very funny about those wheels.

Oh, could you not find two the same size?

Again, ma'am, it's deliberate.

The idea for this one came from a fella in France. Whee! Look at me!

The big and little wheels are why people call this the penny-farthing.

Oh, it's a million miles an hour!

Because it looks like two of your differently sized coins.

The penny and the farthing, ma'am.

Oh! Woohoo!

Super Seepage! Three mes!

Which one's your fave? Um...

I still don't understand why you need

that great big wheel at the front.

Well, the bigger the wheel, the faster this bike can go.

So this one can really get up some speed.

Oh! Wonderful! Seepage! How do you stop it?

Stop at once! My turn. Whee!

I've got a need for speed!

Ow!

Ah. That's one way of doing it. Oh!

Your turn, Your Majesty? Er...

Well, That's all we've got time for on today's Gadget Ma'am.

Goodbye! Seepage, wave.

Argh!

Attention! Rows of four, across Broughton Bridge.

Forward march!

Sir, the bridge is bouncing in rhythm with our steps.

So it is. It's rather fun!

Let's add a little song to go with it.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh, the grand old Duke of York

He had 10,000 men... #

Love a sing-song. Great for morale.

Er, getting a bit hard to march, sir.

March in time with the swinging of the bridge! Makes it easier.

Commander! Do you know the wobbling is getting much worse?

Can't say I do.

You sing it and I'll join in.

No! I mean, our marching in time with the music

seems to be making the wobbling worse!

I think the rhythm of our steps is making the bridge vibrate.

I've got an idea, sir. Halt!

If we don't all march in time with each other,

we ought to be able to cross without it swinging.

Everyone, march differently.

Forward!

Men, no need to be silly about it. You can walk normally.

Just don't walk in time with each other.

Jolly good way to prove a theory.

Well done, everyone! Now, halt!

Um...Commander, we're nearly halfway across.

I really think this is the safest way forward.

I'm sure you're right. But it's not very soldier-like.

As you were, men!

Back to normal marching.

Forwards! Oh!

Oh, the grand old Duke of York

He had 10,000 men... #

CREAKING

Commander, the bridge is shaking itself to pieces!

It's about to collapse!

Nonsense! Where's your proof?

Well, I suppose that counts as proof.

From now on, I don't think the army should let soldiers

walk in step over bridges any more, sir.

Well, you don't have to walk funny now.

We're in the river. Er, it's not that, sir.

A fish swam up my trouser leg. Oh, goodness me, so it did.

Marie Curie's Reaction Vids!

Hi, Marie Mob!

Marie Curie here doing another science reaction video.

I am buzzing, because it combines my two favourite things.

Science and going, "wow"!

Swowence, baby!

OK, let's see what we've got here.

Whoa. Wait, guys, that looks high-tech and cool.

That's like science and fashion.

Whoo! Work it, girl!

Human rocket!

O M Wow!

That is #FIRE, and I mean literally fire coming out of his hands.

Whoa! He's flying like a bumblebee.

Ah! But with massive jet engines for hands.

This guy is #WINNING.

So, the engines burn fuel in a chemical reaction.

My favourite kind of reaction. #ChefsKiss.

And that creates a bunch of heat energy,

which makes the gas inside the engine expand super fast.

Rrr!

That hot air blasts out of the engine,

and its force blasting downwards

creates an opposite force upwards,

thrusting him into the air.

That is Newton's Third Law Of Motion, baby.

#LoveMeSomeNewton!

Look at him go!

Go, Beeman, fly!

You know, looking at him, I'm not sure he can really fly that high.

Maybe he can just, like, hover? Go, Beeman. Hover!

He's found someone! The rocket man is here to rescue you!

Nice landing, dude! If that were me, I'd have, like, a cool catchphrase.

Like Curinator In The House!

OK, Marie Mob. Curinator away!

Hey, hey! Check it out!

I am such a fan of Marie Curie

that I've taught myself to do this.

Not going to lie, though. I did burn my tail a few times

while I was practising.

Oh, I really want Marie Curie to think I'm cool,

just like the man on the video.

We are all members of the Marie Mob here on Quark.

I've even got a poster of her on my slimy cave wall.

It keeps sliding off, but hey, I don't mind.

She's not the only popular female scientist here.

You Earth lot, you're so lucky!

There are loads of 'em!

Woohoo!

Someone film this for Marie!

I was real good at math

But my career was a difficult path

But I knew I was ace

I crunched numbers during the space race

Taught physics in Berlin

Till Nazis made me flee to Sweden

There my work and vision

Helped conceive nuclear fission

Oh, I discovered fossils with my dog by my side

Changed how the world saw prehistoric life!

We're women who love science

We go crazy for STEM

We have brilliant ideas

Science ain't just about men

I know all about physics

And I dig dinosaurs

I was called a human computer

We all love science You should really try it

You might find something cool

I found chemistry attractive

Studied things radioactive

Radium could be a cure

And be used to help sick people live

Oh, I got into high school

When I was only ten

My math sent rockets to the Moon

And back home again

We're women who love science

Our ideas changed the world

So many new things discovered

And guess what? We're all girls!

My work has been life-saving

Sent the first men to the Moon

Too many brilliant things to put in this tune

We all love science, You should really try it

You might find something cool

If you're inspired

You should do some science too! #

CHEERING

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