Original subtitles

Deadly dinos, laser beams

Putrid plants, cool machines

Potty planets, moony moons

Strange sights, big booms

Experiments that make you hurl

Visitors from other worlds

Earth's core, stinky space

The future of the human race

Science that did not go right

Things to keep you up at night

Biology with stings and fangs

Chemistry that stinks and bangs

Freaky physics, we do that

Quantum gravity, what's that?

Weird and gross stuff you should know

Welcome to...

The Horrible Science Show! #

Six...seven...eight eggs!

Buk-aa! Oh, plus another one.

Ha, start again.

I'm always losing count.

Maths is way harder when you've only got a pair of wings.

I can only go up to two.

Mind you, I just found out that computers count using a system

called binary, where all the numbers are replaced by ones and zeros.

For example, 9 in binary would be 1001.

And 1 would be...

Well, it's just 1.

So, in binary,

I've got 1001 eggs,

which is 9.

Buk-aa! Oh, start again!

Now That's What I Call Binary Bangers!

Tired of complicated numbers ruining songs?

Now enjoy them with all the numbers

converted into binary ones and zeros.

Yes, classics like 500 Miles are miles better with binary.

But I would walk 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0 miles

And I would walk 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0 more

Just to be the man who walked

1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0 miles

To fall down at your door. #

A Million Dreams is a million times better with binary.

Cos every night I lie in bed

The brightest colours fill my head

1, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0

Dreams are keeping me awake. #

And hit the dance floor to the much easier to dance to binary Mambo No5.

A 1, 1, 0, 1, 1, 1, 0, 0, 1, 0, 1

Everybody in the car so come on, have fun

To the local store around the corner

The boys count in decimal, I really don't wanna. #

Love the hit Seven but find that number difficult? We've got you.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

1-1-1 days a week, every hour, every minute, every second, you know

Binary's tight, we'll just use that all right

1-1-1 days a week. #

Now That's What I Call Binary Bangers.

Buy one now and get two...

Er, I mean one zero free!

The world may often seem cold and hard,

but there is beauty and romance to be found.

Did you know that sea otters hold hands while sleeping?

Or that puffins partner for life?

So perhaps there is love out there to warm your heart.

You just need to know where to look.

Liam has been studying animal courtship rituals for dating tips

that can help him find true love.

Well, the male porcupine climbs

a tree and wees on its date

from a long distance.

Is there a tree in the restaurant? No.

That's a shame.

Hi, I'm Kayleigh. Nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Liam. Want a pebble?

The male Adelie penguin presents his mate with a load of pebbles

and she chooses her favourite. Right.

I don't suppose you know any penguins that present their partners

with chocolates? Haven't come across any in my research, no.

So which one do you want?

SHE GASPS

HE WHISTLES

Bird dancing.

Well, the blue-capped cordon-bleu bird impresses its date by bobbing,

singing and tapping its feet so fast, you can't see the move.

Unfortunately, for everybody else in the restaurant,

dancing isn't the only thing Liam's been doing.

Sorry to interrupt, but we've had a complaint about the smell.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

I weed on my head

like a billy goat trying to impress a nanny goat.

You know what's amazing?

That wasn't even the worst part.

LOUD BUZZING

What's that?

Oh, that.

Err, well, the male hippo does a poo near his mate to impress her.

I'm just sorry I didn't blast the poo around the restaurant with

my farts, and pebbledash the place using my tail like a helicopter.

That's what a real hippo would have done.

So, do you think you'll have a second date?

Definitely! Really?

What about all the weird animal stuff he's been doing?

Oh, I liked the effort.

He just picked the wrong animals.

Like the bowerbird impresses his mate

with a love nest of shiny things.

I love shiny things.

FRED: Oi! Has he gone?

Shiny things!

Who stole the cutlery?

Ha-ha-ha!

It's nice to see you humans working with your animals.

I've picked up my best dance moves

from a Quarkian creature called a belephant.

LOUD TRUMPETS

Check this out!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Belephants are great dance teachers,

but it really is not the same if you don't have trunks and bells.

Of course, it's not just the animals you can get ideas from, oh, no.

It's plants too.

DISCO MUSIC CONTINUES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Students, welcome to the dojo.

Are you ready to learn the attacks

of the deadliest living things on the planet?

ALL: Yes, Sensei! What am I talking about?

Tigers, Sensei.

Eagle fangs, Sensei. No.

Plants. You what?

You want us to fight like plants?

Yeah. Hit the mat.

Oh, no, it's OK, Sensei, that's fine.

I want you to grasp my left arm while I defend myself like a plant.

ROCK MUSIC

Ha!

Ooh! Waaah!

Oh! That really hurts!

My hand's blistering. What is that?

The power of the stinging nettle.

Like this plant,

I've covered my arm in tiny hairs that come off on contact.

They act like needles,

injecting my taca with toxic chemicals.

Can't believe I'm paying for this.

Lesson two. Marcus. Oh, no, I'm OK.

I fell in some stinging nettles once before

and I couldn't sit for a week.

Approach.

ROCK MUSIC

Defend yourself! Oh!

But first...

Huh?!

..have a drink.

You want me to drink out of a laundry basket?

There's a tasty smoothie in the bottom.

As long as it means I don't have to fight no brambles or anything.

Aargh!

And I've trapped him.

Just like the Nepenthes rajah plant.

Also known as the rat trapper plant.

That is weird. This bit here is called the pitcher.

It fills up with water,

and when small creatures crawl in looking for a drink,

they get trapped and die!

Get me out of here, please!

Thank you, Sensei. You're welcome.

Gaaaah!

Another defence used by the house plant

Dieffenbachia is to release paralysing venom.

Bethan, hit the mat.

Oh, isn't it home time?

No, it isn't.

Approach.

ROCK MUSIC

Ha!

Eee!

Arrrr! What are you doing?

I'm folding myself up to look dead,

like the Mimosa pudica, or shameplant.

I guess I've won, so, I'll probably just leave.

No, no, no, wait!

There is one more defence I must teach you.

FARTS LOUDLY

Eurgh! That is rank!

When threatened, some plants release toxic compounds into the air

to keep predators away.

It stinks!

That is unbelievable. I'm going to be sick if I stay in here.

Yeah, that is bad actually. Class dismissed.

I can taste it! I can taste it!

Hello. It's me, Butterfly.

Just enjoying some fresh air on this beautiful flower.

It looks so pretty, doesn't it?

And it tastes even better.

But how do you think butterflies like me taste things?

Do we use...

A - Our tongues?

B - Our antennae?

Or C - Our feet?

I'll let you have a think. No rush.

Well, there is a bit of a rush

because you probably have other stuff to do today, don't you?

The answer is...

C - our feet!

We can smell things with our antennae,

but we use our feet to taste things.

Let's have a try.

Ooh, a bit salty over there!

Ooh, it's lovely and sugary sweet in this bit!

Urgh! Oh, dear!

No, urgh! I think a dog might have done a wee in that bit.

Uuurgh!

HE INHALES

Breathe in that fresh woodland air!

You said the cafe was 20 minutes away, Alan!

20 minutes!

We've been walking for hours!

But look at the trees, Carol.

Isn't it amazing?

How they provide us with life by taking in carbon dioxide and then...

SHE GROANS

...breathing out oxygen so that we can survive.

SHE GROANS

They're like the lungs of the planet. Thank you, trees.

Come here, you!

Oh, trees, trees, trees!

Give me a bloomin' break!

Who said that?

Over here.

Eww! What are you?

I'm a clump of millions of oceanic algae, mate.

What are you?

Come on, Alan, let's go! Oh, sorry, sorry.

Don't let me interrupt your tree love-in.

All right, all right, all right.

What's your problem with trees? Oh, nothing.

Just that they're taking all the credit for our work.

"Ooh, look at me, I'm an oak!"

A flaming choke, more like. Grrr!

Well, hang on, aren't trees good for the environment?

Yes, obviously. Right.

But if you want the real lungs of the planet,

you're looking at 'em, boy!

What? Oh, yeah.

70% of the world's oxygen is actually produced by the ocean,

and lots of it by algae, like me.

You?

What do you say it like that for?

Woo!

I'm sorry. You know, we didn't know you made all that oxygen.

Yeah, it's really nice of you. Thank you.

I just get so jealous of the way people look at trees.

Would you...like a hug?

I would like that very much.

Oh, good.

Ah!

This is the happiest day of my life!

FART!

Marie Curie's reaction vids!

Hi, members of the Marie Mob.

It's me, Marie Curie here, doing some more science reaction vids.

OK, so this video's about space, I guess.

I don't know, I have never been.

I've got too much to be doing down here.

Discovering radium really takes up your time.

Oh, the International Space Station.

Oh, look, everybody's here.

Welcome to space!

Oh, hello. Huggies for you!

And hello, waving lady, she waved to me.

I hope they all get on.

Imagine being stuck up there for ages and you're like,

"Oh, I don't like this guy."

They're floating, because they're on the International Space Station,

which like zooms around the Earth so fast that everything is in freefall.

That means the astronauts are falling constantly,

but they never hit the ground.

Oooooooh!

Ooh, who's this guy?

OK, he's got some water.

GASPS: Wow!

This is just regular water floating,

and it's in a beautiful, perfect ball.

If that were on Earth, it would just be a boring puddle!

YAWNS

He's turned it blue.

Gravity isn't dragging it down.

The water molecules naturally form a shape with the least

amount of surface area and that is a sphere.

So now he's playing ping pong. Cool!

He can only do that

because the bats are water repellent, BTW.

You try doing that with a regular tennis bat.

I could totally beat this guy at space water ping-pong, easy!

OK, Marie Mob, this is MC signing off.

Take that! Ooh, yeah!

Undefeated again!

Oh, hey, sorry about that.

I was just playing this great game,

where people get together in groups online to go on adventures.

And then I eat them all! Ha-ha!

Did you know that video games were first invented in the 1960s?

Back then, computers weren't something people had in their homes,

and the scientists who did have computers were meant to be

using them for serious science.

But thankfully, they thought of something way cooler to do.

Uh-oh. They've respawned!

Time for my cheat code!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

They'll never defeat me!

This is the best computer game ever!

Linda, it's 1962.

It's pretty much the ONLY computer game.

Guys, guys, the professor's coming.

Quick, stop playing!

No way! I'm about to beat Linda!

Cover for us! Turn down the sound!

Hi, Professor Wilkins. Um...

We are just working with the computer.

Again?

Oh, well, in all my years

at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

I've never known such dedicated researchers.

Yes! Take that!

Yes, we will take that as a compliment.

MIT researchers have done incredible things.

Pioneering photography, creating new forms of radar,

and, of course, performing vital research

with computers like this PDP-1.

No way? No, it's true, they have.

But with this attitude, you guys could outdo them all.

Ha-ha! Yes!

In your face, Linda!

What's in Linda's face?

BOTH: Err...

Brad is... ..studying microorganisms.

Yes, and he has found a new strain of bacteria that is growing in...

..in Linda's face.

WHISPERS: Because she doesn't shower too much.

Out of my way.

What is that?

It's called Space War. Steve made it with his friends.

Oh, Linda! Oh, it's pretty cool.

It's basically the first computer game ever!

You've been using our 120,000 dollar computer to play a game?!

We're sorry, Professor. Well, so you should be!

You've just been using the equipment to play with...

..computer space rockets!

Computer space rockets that zoom through a galaxy of stars,

fighting for supremacy of the universe.

Mm, yes. I suppose that is, uh, interesting.

Professor? Would you like a turn?

Oh!

Well, I suppose one little turn wouldn't hurt!

COMPUTER GAME SOUND EFFECTS

Professor, I actually have a class in ten minutes. I know!

I'm supposed to be teaching it.

But I'm going nowhere!

In your face, Linda! Ha-ha!

Day three of the Horribly Scientific Esports Championships,

where top gamers are competing,

and physios Tessa and Marcus have their work cut out for them.

As professional physios, we can be called into action at any moment.

And here, in particular, the chance of injury is massive.

Code Red, Code Red! Everyone out of the way!

Esports physio coming through!

He's bad, Doc. He's got gamer's thumb!

SonicTiger565, can you hear me? I think we're losing him.

No, he's just got headphones on.

Gamer's thumb's a bad one.

It's like a swelling of the wrist and the thumb.

Mostly thumb. These aren't casual gamers at home on the sofa.

They're professionals, performing over 400 actions per minute.

We've seen strained thumbs, thumb cramp,

lack of movement in the thumbs. There's one player's getting surgery

because he developed a cyst on his thumb tendon.

And it's only day three. So many thumbs...

Seconds later, another emergency. Out of the way!

Out of the way, out of the way! Move, move, move, move!

What seems to be the problem, Flapflappunch042?

Ah, the cramp in my wrist is back!

Esports injuries like these can grow over time.

Recurring injuries can lead to structural damage in the tendons.

How old are you? I'm 24. At least he'll be retiring soon.

Go for a tea break, son. You need to tap out. No, no, no. Please!

You need to take a break! I'm top of the league!

You can't pull me out! That's it, that's it.

You can't pull me out! That's it.

Some people just don't know when to stop.

Some players game for up to 16 hours a day.

Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw! You don't need to do that, Marcus!

What happened?

He was playing a VR fighting game to prove something to his kids.

Dislocated his shoulder.

Oh!

VR games are tough.

People hurt themselves because they can't see what they're doing.

Marcus, that's me. I'm in a jungle!

No, you're in Watford.

It feels real, though.

Parrot!

It is tough, but we are helping people.

And with the right stretches, breaks, chairs, exercises,

people can avoid injury.

And maybe next year we can just sit back and enjoy the games!

Fact! Sorry. Medic! Eyestrain in the battle war semis!

No rest for the wicked!

Marcus, come on! Right, coming!

Madam President! Madam President!

SMASHING

Oh, sorry! President Fisher!

I'm so sorry. Chief Scientist Cartwright,

the French president and I are in the middle of an important

cultural exchange!

Madam President. There has been an incident. A creature has escaped.

And it's on the loose.

In this building. What kind of creature?

A descendant of the dinosaurs!

Les dinosaur? But how is that possible?

The dinosaurs were wiped out millions of years ago

by a giant meteor. Un meteor massif!

Most of them were, but some survived, and have evolved.

One such creature is on the loose.

Oh, no. A dinosaur is on the loose?

This could be the end of the world as we know it!

We're doomed! Bof!

Really? The world is about to end, and all you've got is "bof"?

Madam President, go easy. The French are one of our closest allies.

Well, what is the point?

If I'm about to be torn apart by a dinosaur,

I'm going to tell this guy what I really think of him!

You...you won't be torn.

Did you see the trashy French gifts he got me? A beret?

It looks like a soccer ball got run over by a steamroller!

Take that back!

The Eiffel Tower is overrated.

Sacre bleu!

And your cheese smells like feet!

Yeah, I said it.

Allez! No, wait! You can't go out there, sir.

The descendant of the dinosaurs is here! Take cover!

THEY YELL

QUACKING

Oooh. Is that...a duck...

..in the president's handbag?

I'm afraid so.

You said it was the descendant of the dinosaurs! It is!

The first birds evolved 150 million years ago in the Jurassic era

from dinosaurs!

So all birds are descendants of dinosaurs.

Probably should have started with that, shouldn't I? You think?

Oh, c'est terrible! Oh, anyway, back to the meeting.

About what I said... I was just kidding!

THEY LAUGH

I love berets, don't I? Oh, she do!

Hmm! I need to make some calls...

Oh...

I guess now we know what the duck was doing in my handbag.

QUACKING

We still have dinosaurs here on Qwark.

Their paws are blue and they're the size of ants.

Oh, I think I just made a dinosaur extinct. Sorry!

Well, I wish I could travel back in time

to see your great big earth dinosaurs.

I'd have to be careful, though.

I mean, I would not want to be on earth with a certain something

that killed most of them off!

Oh!

What a coincidence!

What do you call anything smaller than us that moves?

Lunch!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that joke's been around as long as us dinosaurs!

I mean, it's 180 million years old. It's still funny! Oh!

Fancy coming over for lunch?

I've got half a Triceratops tucked away. Oh...

Was that yours? You didn't! All right, calm down!

It's not the end of the world!

Huh?

What's that noise?

Meteor...

Not sure. But it's getting louder.

A meteor for the dinosaurs

And it's gonna kill the moon

Dinos, I'm going to burn this atmosphere right up!

Huh?

I'm seven-even-even and a half miles wide...

And every-every-every-everything in my way will be fried!

Well, hopefully not everything!

If you think you're getting away, I will prove you wrong

Going to hit Earth with the force of a billion atomic bombs

Hear me when I say, hey...

Sorry, did she say a billion atomic bombs?

A meteor for the dinosaurs

Will hit the earth and vaporise

Hey, hey

A meteor for the dinosaurs

And the dust will fill the skies

Dinos, I'm going to make most life on earth extinct

Wait. What? How?

The sun, the sun, the sun, the sun, the sun

Will be blocked

For about, about, about, about, about, about, about 15 years

All right!

She doesn't need to sound so happy about it!

So what happens if there's no sunlight for that long?

Most plants will die out

Boy, is that a pain

Nothing will survive

The end of the food chain

From plankton to dinos, pain

A meteor for the dinosaurs

If you live on land or weigh this

Over 25?

Hey, hey

A meteor for the dinosaurs

You're staring into the abyss

Oh, come on, Tara!

Sorry, but it's really catchy!

A meteor for the dinosaurs

But small animals survive in holes

Oh, well, good for them!

Hey, hey

A meteor for the dinosaurs

They'll evolve into voles

I mean, it is getting very dark.

A meteor for the dinosaurs

You ruled millions of years

Hey, hey

A meteor for the dinosaurs

Now the age of mammals is here

Dinos, I'm going to have to smile and say goodnight! #

What was that? I don't know. Fancy coming over for lunch?

I've got some ferns tucked away.

Oh, was that yours? Oh, you didn't!

All right, calm down! It's not the end of the world!

For us, at least!

EXPLOSION

As the descendants of the dinosaurs, the early birds get the worms!

LAUGHTER

Isn't it amazing the way they provide...

Pffff! I'm so sorry, my brain's just farted.

Weird and gross stuff you now know

Hope you enjoyed the Horrible Science show! #

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