Original subtitles

Deadly dinos, laser beams Putrid plants, cool machines

Potty planets, moony moons Strange science, big booms

Experiments that make you hurl Visitors from other worlds

Earth's core, stinky space The future of the human race!

Science that did not go right Things to keep you up at night

Biology with stings and fangs Chemistry that stinks and bangs

Freaky physics, we do that

Quantum gravity What's that?

Weird and gross stuff you should know

Welcome to

The Horrible Science show. #

You know, people often come up with ideas for scientific experiments

by asking questions then studying the evidence.

For example, I might ask the question,

are cats smarter than dogs? Ha! As if.

Is that a stick over there? Where? Stick, stick, stick!

Evidence is, yep, we're smarter.

And scientists have done experiments

about pretty much everything you can think of.

I knew it was a trick.

Sure you did.

BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Scientists have even done experiments on farts.

Urgh! Oh, why did you...? Oh, that's awful.

Just doing my bit for science. Urgh!

Horribly Scientific Movies presents...

What have I done? The Sheffield Fart Trial is under way.

PARP!

We're trying to find out about normal wind production

in the human body over 24 hours.

We have to stop. It's called...

We can't stop.

..not The Sheffield Fart Trial.

It's too late!

But Fart Trial makes it sound more fun.

I'm sorry.

PARP!

Cor!

You might want to open a window, pal.

It was the scientific study that changed the world

from the bottom up.

We've got five men and five women,

each of them with a rubber tube up their bottoms.

We can catch their farts in these bags.

Is this madness?

We can't stop now. We've spent all that money on baked beans.

PARP!

Thank you, Mrs Middleditch.

You're welcome, Professor!

..parting the cheeks of human understanding.

We did it. Thanks to all the farts we collected,

we now know that the average fart is 90ml.

We also know that the average person does around eight farts a day,

but we discovered something else.

Say it.

Men and women fart pretty much...

..exactly the same amount.

We went too far!

Wafting into a cinema near you soon...

PARP!

Some things just don't need to be known.

PARP!

Sorry!

Oh, that's a really bad one, that.

Good evening, everybody. I'm Chad Bigsmile.

CHEERING

And welcome to the Engineering Personality of the Year Awards -

the awards that celebrate engineers

who find solutions to the trickiest problems.

Like me being so good-looking I cause car accidents

every time I cross the road.

No, but three people were seriously injured.

AUDIENCE: Aw! So...

Our first award goes to the personality

behind solving the bullet train problem.

Here to tell us more is Stephanie Benson,

team leader at Copycat Engineering. Stephanie, come up here.

So, Stephanie, what was the problem with bullet trains,

and why, more importantly, should someone as attractive as me care?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you, Chad! Bullet trains are super fast.

When they go into a tunnel, all the air inside gets squished up.

When they come out the other end they push all that squished-up air

out in front of them, making a loud boom. And it sounded like this...

BOOM!

Wow! Luckily, the team of brilliant engineers

came up with an amazing solution.

We noticed how kingfishers would use their long, pointy beaks

to dive into lakes without making a splash,

so we made the front of the trains look like kingfishers.

So now the air doesn't get all squashed up inside the tunnel

and come out with a big boom.

It just flows through the tunnel, making barely a sound.

Wow, that's great news for people that travel by train.

Not me, of course. I only use private jet.

What, even to get here? Regardless of distance.

Well, after hearing how Steph led her team,

the winner of Engineering Personality of the Year is obvious.

The award goes to...

..the kingfisher!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go on, kingfisher!

You're giving it to the bird? That's right. Without the kingfisher,

you wouldn't have been able to solve the design problem.

Now, sadly, the kingfisher couldn't be with us tonight...

AUDIENCE: Aw! ..but we've received this video message.

Ooh!

CHIRPING

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Classic kingfisher!

Well, we do hope they enjoy their award

and indeed the 200 worth of book tokens.

Come on! It can't read, but...

Ha-ha! That's right, it can't read.

There's always next year.

People used the shape of the kingfisher's body

to help fix a problem with a train?

That's nothing.

They used my nurgles to help design the pants

for the Quarkian hamster king.

Ooh, they looked fantastic, but the designer got the measurements

mixed up and the pants ended up covering half the planet.

Ha-ha-ha! Nobody wanted that!

Accuracy is very important in science. Hmm.

Miss Cleverly, come back! How can I trust you, Piggerton,

after the words I heard you speak to Miss Sisterly Friend?

I can explain!

You asked her about her...legs!

Oh, the legs of a table she's making for me.

A table that I plan to give you

as a gift on the morning that we become husband and wife.

Miss Cleverly, I will love you more and more every day of our lives.

Sir, your words are precise but are they accurate?

Oh, Miss Cleverly, I...

Oooh!

Sorry. Don't...?

Right, sorry. Don't precise and accurate mean the same thing?

No, Mr Piggerton, they are different. Ahh!

Well, Miss Cleverly... No, I'm sorry, how are they different?

Allow me to demonstrate.

Ah. How's a bow and arrow going to help?

And why are they hiding in my ornamental hedge?

Well, it's important to be prepared. Now, observe that target over there.

Oh, yes. I see it. Ohh!

Goodness! Well, you've certainly struck the target,

much like Cupid's arrow struck my... Mm-mm. Sorry, carry on.

Now, my shooting was accurate

because all the arrows hit the target.

But it was not precise, because the arrows aren't grouped together.

Right. Your turn. Ah! OK... You'll have to bear with me.

Been a while since I've been on the old bow and arrow. Get on with it!

OK. Now, I am told that it is just like riding a...

Goodness! Ow!

Oh, well, second time lucky. Erm... A bit rusty, I think.

Ow! Yeah...

I have high hopes for number three.

I didn't warm up, basically. Goodness me! Ow! Nooo!

Now, that was precise because all the arrows are grouped together.

They really are!

I... I'm terribly sorry, Digby.

But it was not accurate, because you missed the target

and hit Digby instead. Digby's bum, yeah. Oh, I hate my job.

For the best results, especially in science,

it is important to be both accurate and precise.

May I? Yeah, best you. It'll be a bit safer for everyone.

Accurate and... Goodness me! ..precise.

OK, that's embarrassing.

Now, you were telling me how much you love me. Oh, yes.

Sir, your table from Miss Sisterly Friend has arrived.

What is this? I said it was to be 100 centimetres by 50 centimetres.

Well, she appears to have done it perfectly...

..in millimetres. So she's been precise but not accurate.

Exactly! Oooh...

And now, Mr Piggerton, tell me precisely and accurately

how you feel. Well, I feel... Ohh, ohh...

..that Digby needs serious medical attention. Yeah. Yeah.

Hang in there, Digby.

Stay still.

Not that still.

Hello, everyone!

Teddy's excited because here's Dr Bones, the singing doctor!

Way-hey-hey!

That's right! I'm Dr Bones.

Give me a cheer if you love Heads, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

Yay! Me and Teddy love that song!

Wrong! It's rubbish! Cos it misses out some of the best bits.

Oh, we quite like it. Wrong again!

Do you want to hear a cooler, more scientifically accurate version?

I get the feeling you're going to give it to us anyway.

Get ready for Heads, Shoulders, Knees

And The Other Bones In The Human Body.

All 206 of them. That's not a very catchy title.

It's accurate. Hit it!

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF HEAD SHOULDERS KNEES AND TOES

Oh-ho! That's it, everyone! Join in! Oh!

Only 194 to go! Ha-ha-ha!

Deep breaths.

Oh! Well, what a great song! I'm not finished yet!

I've done most of the torso. Ah! High five! OW!

Why would you do that?! Erm, let's keep going.

And of course you've got two legs

So make sure you count them twice... #

How many is that? 51. Oh, great!

Out of 206. We haven't even got halfway.

Isn't that exciting?

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Why don't we skip a few? NO! Where were we?

DR BONES SCREAMS

Ah! Ha! Please stop!

No! I've only got about 150 to go!

It's fine, we'll just... We'll just speed it up!

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Car... #

Hee-hee! Well, wasn't that exciting? DR BONES WHIMPERS

Dr Bones has decided to rest his cranium on the floor.

Why don't you all go off to bed and have a long good night's sleep?

SIRENS WAIL While we wait for an ambulance.

Welcome to another edition

of the Engineering Personality of the Year Award.

I'm Chad Bigsmile. Woohoo!

And I'm still waiting for engineers to come up with a solution

for my terrifyingly white teeth.

LAUGHTER

They're so bright they keep my wife up at night!

Er, ex-wife.

AUDIENCE: Aww! She left me and took everything.

Anyway, this year's problem was how to make a super strong sticky tape.

Here to tell us how they solved it, it's last year's runner-up,

Stephanie Benson from Copycat Engineering.

Well, I had a brainwave while I was feeding my pet gecko, Garry.

Garry has microscopic hairs on his toes,

which are split into hundreds of tips,

and that allows Garry to grip on

to virtually any surface.

So I used this idea

to make a sticky tape so strong... CHAD YAWNS

Sorry. ..you can actually climb walls like a gecko. See?

Can you get me down, please?

Well, of course, for incredible work in the creation of this sticky tape,

the winner is, Steph... Ah! Yes!

..would you please present the award to Garry the gecko!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wh... You're giving the award to Garry?

Yeah. You said yourself, his toes inspired the design, so...

Enjoy your prize, Garry, your book tokens, and indeed 10,000.

10,000? Yeah, the prize money's gone up.

Can somebody get me a ladder? I'd really like to get down now.

Hi, Nana.

No, Nana, you're on mute.

Nana, you're on... You just sort yourself out.

She's going to be a while.

Webcams like this are amazing, aren't they?

If you really think about it,

little cameras built into computers and phones,

which allow you to chat to people all over the planet.

You know, the world's first webcam was created in 1993

by scientists in the Computer Science Department

at Cambridge University,

but what did they invent it for?

Was it, A, to see researchers in New York

as they conducted a joint experiment? Hello!

B, to make sure their pets were OK when they were at work? Aww! Oh!

Or C, to check when their coffee was ready? Oh, lovely. Yum!

And the answer is...

C. To check when their coffee was ready.

The scientists were fed up with going to the coffee pot in the lab,

only to find it was empty, so they set up a camera pointed at the pot

and connected it to their lab computers.

Then they could check on their computers whether the pot was full

before they went to get a coffee.

Then they streamed it on the internet. Pretty cool, yeah?

No, Nana. You need to press on the speaker icon with the mouse.

Nana!

Na... Oh, it's all right. She seems happy enough.

Don't mind me.

I'm just using my teeth as a wedge to split this wood in two.

A bit like an axe.

You see, the downward force of my pointy teeth

pushes the two halves of the wood sideways, away from each other,

and splits the word.

Ow! Splinter.

A wedge like my beautiful teeth

is one of the things we call a simple machine.

Simple machines allow a small amount of force to have a bigger effect,

like this...

Ow! Not another splinter?!

And it got wedged right in my tongue. Anyone got any tweezers?

Come inside and have your mind blown!

The Museum Of Marvellous Machines!

Ooh! This is it. Now, I know those tickets weren't cheap,

but it looks like it might have been worth it.

Welcome to Mr Simpling's Museum Of Marvellous Machines.

This is going to be fantastic! Come!

Crowd around our first contraption.

Marvel at a machine that allows you to lift the heaviest of objects

with the greatest of ease.

Behold! Ooh! Here we go!

Ta-da!

A double pulley. With a simple pull of this rope,

this miraculous machine

allows you to halve the energy needed to raise the bucket.

Ooh! That's just a bit of rope and some little wheels. It's rubbish!

How dare you?! This is one of the classic simple machines

out of which all other machines in the world are built.

We were hoping to see robots.

Yeah, we only just do simple machines. Oh.

But what is a robot if not a collection of simple machines

working together to create a wondrous effect?

So you do do robots? No, we don't do robots!

What's he doing?

But perhaps I can pique your interest

with another machine most marvellous.

Is it better than a pulley? Ta-da!

I cannot believe we've paid for this.

That's not a machine, those are screws.

Technically, they are simple machines.

These marvels transform

a turning force into a forward force. Ooh!

Please, try not to faint. I just want to see one ro...

Oh, he's gone again. But pray tell, what's this mechanical marvel?

Is it a robot? Better. A machine used to help build

some of the greatest architecture

known to man! I'll take that as a no.

Ta-da! It's just a ramp!

Ah, yes, but what you call a ramp

is in fact an inclined plane.

Behold!

This makes it easier to lift heavy objects upwards. Look!

It's going! WE'RE going! Yeah. No, no, no, no, no!

I've got one more to show you. Is it a refund machine? Excuse me.

Behold! It's a bike.

SARCASTICALLY: Whoa. Never seen one of those before.

Ah, but while you see a bicycle, what I see

is a multitude of simple machines working together in perfect harmony,

allowing the bicycle to move forward. Isn't it majestic?

I guess it is pretty amazing, actually. Don't get sucked in!

Sorry. We want our money back. We've seen a bike before.

But have you ever seen one do this?

What, get ridden? See you, bye! No refunds! Oi! Wait! Come back!

Land ahoy!

CHEERING

Get in!

MONSTER GROANS, HE SCREAMS

LAUGHS

Ooh-hoo!

Whoa... Oh!

SCREAMS

Fear me!

The great and terrible sea monster!

None is mightier than me! What do you think you're doing, young lady?

Mum! I'm sinking a ship! I don't need your help!

Doesn't look like you're sinking it, poppet.

It looks like you're waving it around.

She doesn't need any help!

SCREAMS

Ooh! Ah! Argh! Oh, it won't go under!

Why won't it sink?! Ships are heavy!

Sweetie, we went through this at kraken school.

Children! Children! Look at me, Mummy, look at me! Hee-hee-hee!

When something's in water, there are two forces acting on it -

its weight pulling it down

and the force of the water trying to push it up. That's called upthrust.

This ship's big surface area here

means there's loads of water pushing against it,

so its upthrust is greater than its weight, and it floats.

A heavy thing with a smaller surface area would sink. Like this canon?

Exactly!

It was floating with the ship

but watch what happens when it's dropped overboard.

It sinks! So, how do you sink this ship?

Oh! Oh! Make it heavier or the surface area smaller?

Correct!

Oh, good one, Jim!

Sorry!

Well, go on, then!

Rargh!

There you go. You've made the surface area smaller.

And look, when water gets into the ship, it makes it even heavier,

so it sinks quicker. Well done!

Now, stop playing with your food.

You know, this is all terrifying, but I'm learning a lot!

Wait, food?!

Sorry, Mum! Whoa!

Oh, I see!

Mmm!

I love the smell of rain on a warm summer's day.

That's not rain, that's my new scent,

petrichor.

Oh, it smells so good! What's it made from?

When rain falls on dry soil,

it releases a mixture of gas, chemicals and plant oils

to create this earthy aroma.

HE SNIFFS

Ah!

Please stop doing that. It's so weird.

WHISPERY VOICE: Petrichor.

And the main chemical responsible for this delicious smell

is called geosmin.

BOTH: Geosmin.

What is geosmin exactly?

Geosmin.

It's a liquid that's made by a type of bacteria.

WHISPERY VOICE:

Did you just say...bacteria?

WHISPERY VOICE:

HE SNIFFS FORCEFULLY

Our noses find that bacteria's stink...irresistible.

BOTH: Bacteria stink.

And petrichor isn't just attractive to humans.

Camels love it. Sorry, did you say camels?

Yeah, they use the scent to find water sources in the desert.

CAMEL BELLOWS

Is THAT a camel?

CAMEL BELLOWS

Uh, yeah, yeah.

You know, I might have actually sprayed too much of this on.

They love this stuff. We should run. Run!

CAMEL BELLOWS

Oh, no! Other way, other way!

Warning - do not wear around thirsty camels.

Oh, stop. Yes, we're back! I'm Chad Bigsmile.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

We love you, Chad!

This year we're celebrating the team that mapped out a new

and incredibly efficient city transport system.

They were led... Oh, she's coming up now.

It's Stephanie Benson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Stephanie, how did you do it?

Well, I didn't take any inspiration from animals, that's for sure.

AUDIENCE: Aw! This time you used...?

Slime mould. AUDIENCE: Eurgh!

I noticed that if you put this stuff on the map of the city

and placed bits of food at important locations,

the slime mould would spread using the quickest route

connecting all the bits of food.

So we can base the bus, underground and train routes

on those direct paths the slime mould created.

Wow, that is genuinely brilliant!

Yes, it is actually brilliant,

cos this could revolutionise transport planning. Yeah.

Well, the choice was simple.

The winner of the Engineering Personality of the Year award is...

DRUM ROLL

It's the slime mould, isn't it?

Yes, it's the slime mould!

FANFARE

How'd you know that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, that's it!

Oh, oh!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, no, his beautiful hair!

I've been slimed. AUDIENCE: Aw!

I knew this day would come.

Slime mould?!

Oh, I've got to get me some of that! Looks well tasty!

The slime we have here on Quark is from the bogey trees.

BOGEY TREE SNEEZES

Now, those bogeys will soak into the ground,

be reabsorbed by the roots,

and go back to the bogey tree.

And that's what we here on Quark call the snot cycle.

You have a similar cycle on Earth,

but it involves water and not bogeys,

which is weird, and disappointingly less sticky and green,

but, you know, hey-ho, you do you.

BOGEY TREE SNEEZES

That was close!

There is this thing on Earth that happens called the water cycle

Water continuously moves

From oceans, lakes, to clouds, to rain

And then into the rivers

And back to oceans pretty soon

The water moves round through evaporation, condensation

Precipitation throughout all nations

Deserts are quite dry

The same water that fills the sea is what you use to make tea

And, yes, lots has also been wee... #

Sorry, what?!

It's me!

Hi!

I'm the Earth, it's me!

The water cycle gives me all that I need

And I must thank my friend the sun for helping with the process

It must be exhausting always moving through the water cycle

Evaporation is when water heats and turns to vapour

It rises up into the sky

The vapour hangs out, forming clouds of different shapes and sizes

And they can float up pretty high

And when it cools, it's called condensation

Its next occupation - fall as precipitation

Rain, sleet, hail and snow

And after landing, it's not standing

The water runs off the land

The rivers are enchanting

Watch the water flow

BOTH: From sea to sky, then back down to the sea

Each drop goes round, fulfilling its destiny

I think it must be pretty fun to be a water droplet

I feel quite exhausted just thinking about the water cycle

The water cycle gives me all that I need

Gives it all that it needs

To keep alive animals, plants and trees

This makes me need a wee

And I must thank my friend the sun for helping with the process

I could keep on talking so much longer about the water cycle. #

Think I'll go wee.

TOILET FLUSHES

Hi-ho, silver! Let's see what she's got!

You missed the target and you hit

Digby instead. Digby's bum. Yeah.

They're all in Digby's bum, yeah.

Weird and gross stuff, you now know

Hope you enjoyed

The Horrible Science show. #

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