Original subtitles

Deadly dinos, laser beams

Putrid plants, cool machines

Potty planets, moody moods

Strange sights, big booms

Experiments that make you hurl

Visitors from other worlds

Earth's core, stinky space

The future of the human race

Science that did not go right

Things to keep you up at night

Biology with stings and fangs

Chemistry that stinks and bangs

Freaky physics - we do that

Quantum gravity - what's that?

Weird and gross stuff you should know

Welcome to the Horrible Science show! #

Here, I've got a good one for you.

Come closer.

Why did the chicken count to ten?

It didn't. Chickens can't count!

Ha!

Oh! Warn me next time you're going to do that!

Of course, humans can count,

and, in ancient India,

a brilliant mathematician called Aryabhata was so good at counting,

he actually came up with brand-new numbers!

You could say he was pretty...eggcellent!

Oh!

Seriously, cut that out.

You know what this equation needs?

A new number. Oh, Aryabhata, mate,

you already came up with decimal places.

What more do you want? OK, so you've got whole numbers.

We've got decimal places for parts of numbers.

But what do we have when we want to talk about no numbers?

I'd probably talk to my non-mathematician friends

because they're more fun!

OK. Right. Say you've got two chickens...

I've got two chickens.

Very good. Well done.

Now, imagine someone takes those two chickens.

How many would you have? Well, I'd have...

I wouldn't have any chickens. You see?

We have no number to represent nothing.

Imagine how useful that would be!

MUSIC IN THE STYLE OF: Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler

Where's that music coming from?

We need a number that we can use

when we take one away from one.

It will open up a whole new world of mathematics.

OK, this is getting weird now. The opportunities are endless!

Oooh... #

Oh, where did they come from?!

Oooh... #

Hang on. I think I'm getting an idea!

Oh, he's going to sing, isn't he? And it's going to change the world!

We can count backwards to one

But we can't count below

A number to use to show no amount

Will help us more than we can know

How do you represent nothing

When you don't have a word?

Something smaller than one or a half,

Even smaller than a third

We need a zero!

We need a number for when we write a decimal place

Something to help our astronomers

When they are measuring stuff that's in space

We need a zero

We need something so we don't have to write "no amount"

A digit used all round the world

As the number that's just before you start to count

He needs a zero Oooh... #

Well done, Aryabhata!

I can't believe you came up with a whole new number.

I really think I have.

Aryabhata, I hope you're going to repay me handsomely

for my help in this momentous discovery.

Of course, Harish.

I think I've got the perfect number to represent your contribution.

Oh, fantastic!

I'm sorry for all those times I called you a bald nerd.

You do have a little bit of hair.

So what do I get, friend?

He got a zero. #

Er, carry the two, divide by three, and take away four...

Is it...422?

William, are you doing your maths?

Yes, Mum.

Well, then, stop that at once!

It's just a bit of maths, Mum.

We do not allow conjuring and magic in this house!

It's not conjuring. It's just, you know,

a bit of calculating.

Just calculating?

Everyone knows maths is a dark and dangerous magic.

No, it's not. It's just adding and dividing...

No decent person would ever divide.

Your father will be furious.

Mum, Queen Elizabeth has her own royal mathematician,

John Dee, so it can't be all that bad.

Everyone knows he's a dark wizard.

It's just not right.

All that playing with numbers.

Well, I'm just using it to solve some maths problems.

I'm getting really good at my 12 times tables.

Not in my house.

And the only table you should be worried about

is the one you should be scrubbing.

I'll have that. Oh!

Ohhh!

We're burning this book,

and let that be the end of it.

So unfair.

Never get to do anything fun.

No more maths.

How many times have I told you?

Oh! One, two, three... No! Stop that, stop that!

Times two... William! Eight plus one... William, stop that!

La-la-la-la-la! Stop it!

Hmm. Promise me you will never do maths again.

I promise.

HE SIGHS

1 times 12 is 12.

2 times 12 is 24.

3 times 12 is...

William!

Sorry, Mum.

It's stuck! I hate camping!

Are you tired of holidaying on muddy campsites?

Bored of getaways that involve no dinosaurs?

I'm sorry, what?

Then you need Dinosaur Holidays 4U!

With Dinosaur Holidays 4U,

you get to travel across all the different prehistoric eras.

What are you waiting for?

Maybe a promise that we won't get eaten by dinosaurs.

Yeah, we really can't promise that.

But you won't get eaten by a dinosaur in the Triassic period,

252-201 million years ago,

when you can dive with a plesiosaur,

because technically, it's not a dinosaur.

And after your little dip,

then you can meet the earliest dinosaurs, like the coelophysis,

and maybe spend some quality family time with your actual ancestors -

the first shrew-like mammals.

Oh, he looks just like you!

You crack me up, great great great great great-grandad.

I would like to leave now.

Well, then, let's head off to the Jurassic period

200-145 million years ago,

where you'll come face to feet with the brachiosaur.

Jamie, I'm going live!

Hi, guys.

Look, it's Jamie with a herd of Brachiosaurs.

Jamie's the one in the shirt.

Ha, yeah. Next time, I'm booking the holiday.

OK, cool. Bye!

This is terrifying.

Here, you'll also soar through the air with the first birds,

and the terrifying pterosaurs

who rule the sky.

Where'd you get those chips from?

If you're lucky, and you don't get eaten before you get there,

you'll reach the Cretaceous period

145-66 million years ago,

to meet dino celebs

like the triceratops

and the velociraptor.

Ahh! Ahhhh!

Ahhhh!

Screams of joy!

Just wait till he sees the T-rex.

Oh, my gosh!

It's amazing. It's photobombing us.

Ahh! Smile for the camera.

And every Dinosaur Holiday 4U trip has an explosive ending guaranteed!

66 million years ago, when a meteor hits the Earth

and destroys the dinosaurs.

What time is our flight?!

Dinosaur Holidays 4U -

there's no time like the present to experience the past.

Your Earth dinosaurs might have died out

long before humans were around,

but here on Planet Quark,

we still have dinosaurs,

although they are quite a lot smaller.

But, look. Aren't they cute?

They actually make awesome pets.

They're very loyal, they love going for walks,

and they love chasing a ball.

There is just one thing though...

Ahh!

Do not try to stroke them or they'll bite your wiggles off!

Naughty.

I'm Claudia Winklesaurus,

and this is Dinosaur Traitors.

Oh...

20 Faithful dinosaurs have come to this remote Scottish castle,

but hidden among them are two non-dinosaur Traitors.

As if they didn't have enough problems already,

can our true Faithful dinosaurs find the non-dinosaur Traitors?

I can't work it out.

Everyone just seems so...

..dinosaur-y.

LOUD CLUCK

Right, I've got a theory,

but I'm keeping it close to my chest.

Although, actually, I keep everything close to my chest

because of the...

Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.

GROWLING

With suspicions running high,

it's time for our two non-dinosaurs to meet for the first time.

THEY GASP

POT SMASHES

Pterodactyl?! I thought you were a dinosaur.

I'm a pterosaur, not a dinosaur.

We're a whole different group of animals.

What about you, plesiosaur?

Technically, I'm just a large marine reptile.

Ooh. Who knew? Well, I did, obviously.

We should try and make them suspect one of the others.

Is there anyone who doesn't look very dinosaur-y?

I'm going to go out on a wing here, and say the chicken.

Which one was the chicken?

Small, feathers, clucks,

looks nothing like a dinosaur.

Oh, yeah.

The non-dinosaurs must get rid of one of the dinosaurs

before everyone votes

for who they think the dinosaur Traitors are.

Forget the chicken.

I think we need to get rid of the biggest threat.

BOTH: The T-rex!

What?

Me?

Ahh! You are kidding me!

It's all right. OK. Bye, guys.

Yeah.

Time for the round table.

T-Rex has gone,

and now you all must decide which of you is not a dinosaur.

Write your choice on a...

Yeah, we don't need to do that.

It's obviously the chicken.

CLUCKING

See you later. Bye-bye, chicken. Bye-bye!

Chicken, you have been banished.

Please reveal -

are you a Faithful dinosaur or a non-dinosaur Traitor?

I am...

..a dinosaur.

THEY GASP

What? I'm descended from dinosaurs.

But you were acting so nervous.

I'm in a castle full of dinosaurs!

And also a pterosaur and a giant marine reptile!

Oh. Nice move, bird-brain! Get them!

And so this 20-episode series

of Dinosaur Traitors ends after just one episode.

Does this mean I won?

Oh! Get in there!

Ooh! What shall I do with the money?

I'd suggest something quick.

CLUCKING

So, guess what -

I share about 84% of my DNA with humans.

Well, they also run around chasing balls,

and their pumps smell awful, so...

Does this mean they'll let me drive the car?

No! DNA is just the code in your cells

that tells your body what it should look like.

How many legs it should have,

what colour your eyes are,

how long your tail is...

DOG FARTS And how smelly your pumps are?

CAT RETCHES

A bit, but that's more to do with what you ate.

Ohhh!

Funny. I don't remember eating eggs.

Ooh! Is it hide and seek?

Hello?

When police detective Loofah is on the case,

he'll do anything to solve the crime,

as long as he's had his coffee.

We've had a breakthrough

in the bank job case.

There was a hair found at the scene that contains DNA,

the special chemical that carries our genes.

Jeans? I'm a suit man, boss.

And if I could get away with it, I wouldn't wear trousers at all.

No! If we can find a 100% match for that genetic code,

we've caught our criminal. Yeah.

They won't know what hit 'em.

Someone get me a coffee.

And maybe some cake!

Right. You've got some explaining to do, sunshine.

Now, why did we find a 50% match to you

in the genes in the hair at the bank robbery?

Why are we talking to a banana?

I thought we were looking for a human suspect.

Bananas are a 50% genetic match to humans.

Well, give me a better suspect than a banana.

And, while you're at it, get me a coffee, will ya?

We've found a better genetic match.

He's a slippery little character, but we caught him in our net.

It's a zebra fish.

And a 70% match to the genetic material we found at the bank.

What sort of bank was it?

Was it a river bank?

And get me a...

Nice.

You're learning.

But get me a better suspect!

A 96% match to the human genetic material this time.

I think we're onto something here. He seems like a wrong 'un.

Every question we ask, he just laughs. Oh, does he?

Right! What?!

SCREECHING

That - that is a chimpanzee,

and he's eaten one of the other suspects!

Next time, I want a 100% match or nothing,

and get me a herbal tea!

Really? No, I want a coffee!

CHIMPANZEE LAUGHS

Right. And you're sure it's a 100% match this time?

100%.

And we're not talking about the daffs. Correct.

Although they are a 35% match, so we might want to...

Yes, yes. This man is a 100% genetic match.

He must be the bank robber. Right.

You're under arrest.

OK. I'd better call my identical twin brother.

Uh-oh. What is it?

Identical twins have the same genes.

There's no way of knowing which one did the crime.

If that's the case,

you - you're under arrest!

Right. At least the daffs can't deny it. Right.

Make me a coffee and get me a biscuit as well, would ya?

May I have biscuit, please? No.

I am Sir Isaac Newton,

I'm at something called a theme park,

and this is Science At Speed!

Come on, let's hit this roller-coach-ster

and see what these horses can do.

Whoop-ah!

Yeah, there aren't any horses.

Sorry, what?

Today on Science At Speed -

human biology, and I shall

be answering the question,

what does the skeleton even do?

O...K! That's awfully high, isn't it?

Now, the human skeleton gives our bodies shape,

and holds and supports the whole body together

so that we don't collapse in one big giant heap...

Whoa!

SHRIEKING

YELLING: Your skeleton is made of bones...

..and grows as we grow!

Ahhh!

It protects our vital organs!

I need protecting now!

Ahhh!

For example, the skull protects the brain!

And the ribs protect the heart...!

The skeleton's bones work with the muscles...

..to allow our bodies to move.

Ahhh!

Stop spinning!

I'm spinning!

Ahhh! The bones are living tissue and they make blood cells...

..which travel around the body.

I think I've wet myself.

PARP

I don't care if it takes 20 years,

we're going to get someone on Mars.

Director, there's someone here

who wants to talk to the "Nasa big cheese".

It's about the moon expeditions.

The Apollo missions from 50 years ago? Mm.

Who cares about all of that now?

I'll tell you who! Oh, no.

Me?

It's the moon, General. Yeah, she knows who I am.

It's OK, Leslie. Goodbye, Leslie.

Don't let the door hit you on the dark side on the way out, Leslie.

So, how have you been?

Like...you...care.

Oh, hey. Don't be like that.

I'm sorry. We wanted to come back. But you didn't.

You ghosted me. It's been 50 years!

We've just been busy,

what with the space shuttles and International Space Station.

Moon missions are very expensive.

Oh! So it's about money.

No... I'm not worth it!

That is not what I... We sent unmanned missions.

Everyone sent unmanned missions!

Even Luxembourg sent one.

Do you know how long it took me to work out whose flag that was?

Anyway, I just came to return your stuff.

I'm sorry. What stuff?

The stuff your astronauts left behind on my surface

when they flew away.

Let's see. Oh, two golf balls.

And here's your hammer and feather.

Oh. That was a gravity experiment.

Oh, it was so fun. Do you remember...? No!

Don't try and remind me of the good times.

Why did you leave those things with me?

Because the landing craft had to be as light as possible

for the take-off to Earth,

so the astronauts leave everything they don't need behind.

Oh! So...

I suppose you didn't need these 96 bags of...

Well, I don't know what this is, but it stinks.

Well, astronauts have to go to the toilet,

and we didn't need to bring all that back, so...

You left me 96 bags of poo?!

There's wee and vomit in there, too. Oh!

Way to make me feel really special.

Why is there a picture of Mars on your wall?

Oh, that?

Nothing has happened...yet.

Oh, you can't be bothered to visit me,

but now you want traipse 600 times further to visit that ugly red lump.

Nothing's settled.

We're just talking...

..and building rockets. Oh!

Oh! Oh, no.

I can feel a stress crater forming.

Oh, gosh. That is not actually how that happens.

It's a meteor impact.

Hmph! Look, we have a programme planned to send people back to you

in the next year or so.

It's called Artemis III.

Oh, so I can look forward to more bags of poo?

We might as well call it Fartemis Number Two.

Oh, come on now.

Right. That's it.

Take a good look because this is the last time

you're going to get to see this, so...bye-bye!

Except for every time I look at the sky at night.

Yes, apart from that.

Moon out.

Clean up, Leslie. This place is a mess.

Four strangers and one dinner party that's out of this world -

welcome to Scientific Come Feast With Me!

First host is Sophia at her current home,

the International Space Station.

LOUD THUD

Oh! Looks like the guests are arriving. We have lift-off.

Yay! Was it easy to find the place?

Well, if you call getting blasted into space at 17,800 mph easy,

then yeah, sure.

It cost me $100 million to get here.

I kept the receipt. We get that back, right?

Absolutely not.

The views are amazing. Yeah, that's Earth!

That's Earth? Yeah. No!

Going to be tough to compete with this.

Hope she likes a party with no atmosphere.

What a lovely home! Yeah, it's, um...cosy.

Couldn't think of a nice way to say cramped and poky.

It might be cramped,

but there's plenty of space!

Boop, boop, this astronaut is reversing. Ha-ha!

It's nice to have someone to do that joke for, really.

Oh, I never have guests.

I'm dizzy with excitement.

Or that could be the weightlessness.

Does make you feel quite sick. Great!

So, with everyone feeling quite sick, it's time for dinner.

OK, so we can start with freeze dried soup.

OK.

And then...freeze dried lasagne.

I bet they're glad they made the trip for this.

And a special surprise dessert.

Looks like it's not the stellar experience they were hoping for.

So you've not made any of this from scratch?

Oh, no. You can't really cook in space.

Technically, that's cheating, Sophia,

but it's not like anyone can walk out.

HE SNEEZES

Oh!

Yes, they can see the whole Earth out of the window,

but they'd rather watch flying space flob.

It's like I've got hay fever for the first time in my life,

and I can't taste anything. Mm.

That'll be the weightlessness.

Your snot floats around your head and blocks up your nose.

Try covering everything in salt and pepper.

That's what I do.

Wait, they're liquids?

Here we go. Three, two, one, squeeze a little...

Well, that's his eyeball nicely seasoned.

Sorry about that. Ha-ha.

Brian's not laughing.

Oh! Toilet time.

Not easy in space, with a camera crew...and Sophia.

Oh, no. I'm fine in here on my own, thank you.

He's not. No, I have to strap you in.

We all have to do it.

You don't want to be floating around the room while you...

No, I certainly don't. Here we go.

Actually, might be best if I just hold you down.

Well, this couldn't be any more embarrassing.

HE FARTS

Oh!

Boy, was I wrong.

Do you think everyone's having a nice time?

Please don't speak to me.

Why are you filming this?

PARP

Yes, there was a floater.

You're in space, Andrew. You've got to expect some dark matter.

Meanwhile, Sophia's other guests are enjoying after dinner drinks.

The water's very clear.

Yeah, well, it's been through a lot of filters

since it was in the space toilet. Ooh!

Oh, it's like a fountain.

Well, after that revelation...

Please don't do that again.

..let's see if the scores bring Sophia back down to Earth.

I love recycling. Oh, that's nice, Carol.

SHE FARTS

Oop!

Bye! Yeah, that was less nice.

Zero.

Much like the gravity.

Oh, that shuttle journey home is going to be a long one.

Next time, it's Carol's turn to host.

All right? How are you?

CAT YOWLS

I haven't been on Earth for over a year,

so I'm still not really used to the gravity.

Clearly! Yeah. I'm sure I'll remember how it works.

Oh, I love looking at the sky.

There is so much to see up there.

There's moons orbiting planets,

planets orbiting stars,

and the stars grouped together into galaxies,

and all of it, the galaxies and everything,

making up the entire universe!

But tell me, how did the universe begin?

Was it A - a massive space cat called Galactic Fred

who coughed it up?

Was it B - a huge explosion called the Big Bang?

Or was it C - painted by aliens?

Have a think.

Aliens, cat or bang?

Yes, the answer is B!

It was created by a huge explosion that scientists call the Big Bang.

Although, to be fair,

those space cats are huge, aren't they?

BOOMING MEOW

Easy, Fred! Easy!

Has anyone got a huge glass of milk?

Stop it!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm going to tell you a story of a little place called the universe,

and it all began with a Big Bang.

Well, it wasn't really a Big Bang. It was...

An infinitely dense point of light

Hot particles and energy are packed in tight

Suddenly inflates like a big balloon

Faster than the speed of light

The universe grew and grew

The universe is slowing down It starts to cool

Making hydrogen from subatomic particles

Strong nuclear forces and gravity

Started pulling them together

Creating the stars and galaxies

Don't you know, it's expanding?

Big Bang set it free

Starting from a single point

We call a singularity

It's expanding

And it's looking fine

Releasing all the pieces of the cosmos

Making space and time

It's expanding

Yeah, yeah, yeah

It's expanding

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Expansion of the universe is far from done

The Milky Way the solar system and our sun

The Earth gets shaped from gas and dust

And water appears on the surface all over its solid crust

Life emerges from the ancient goo

Single cells and dinosaurs and mammals, too

Evolution gives us the human race

Who turn their eyes up to the stars and start to study space

And they see it's expanding

And it's going fast

Quicker than it did before

Quicker than the first big blast

It's expanding

And it's looking fine

Yeah, the cosmos getting bigger

Growing all the time

It's expanding Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

And it's been going for more than 13 billion years!

It's expanding Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

And it could go on forever!

It's expanding Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

A bit like the chorus of this song, actually.

It's expanding... #

Come on! Let's finish with a Big Bang!

A one, a two, a three...

Er, are you OK?

Yeah.

Still standing.

Please! No!

THEY LAUGH

Can't remember what I say next...

And, cue!

Oh, sorry. I thought you said "thank you".

Weird and gross stuff you now know

Hope you enjoyed the Horrible Science show! #

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