Original subtitles

Deadly dinos, laser beams,

Putrid plants, cool machines, potty planets

Moody moods, strange sights

Big boom, experiments that make you hurl

Visitors from other worlds Earth's core

Stinky space, the future of the human race

Science that did not go right, things to keep you up at night

Biology with stings and fangs, chemistry that stinks and bangs

Freaky physics We do that

Quantum gravity What's that?

Weird and gross stuff you should know

Welcome to the Horrible Science Show! #

Blood, Bones and Body Bits.

This summer, Horribly Scientific Movies

presents Mary Ploppins,

a guaranteed number two at the box office.

Good day. May I help you? No. But perhaps I can help you.

Come on, spit-spot. Now, when was the last time you did a poo?

What?!

That is not normally information I would share with

a complete stran...

FLATULENCE

About three days ago. I am a digestion expert,

so you may relax.

FLATULENCE

Not that much. Sorry.

We'll start by adding plant fibre to your meals.

I'm sorry. What? Allow me to explain.

For every excretion to reach its completion

Some bulk must be added, your poop must be padded

And fibre does the trick to make your visits quick... #

Are you selling something?

You see, a mouth full of fibre helps the sausages come out

The sausages come out The sausages come out

Yes, a mouth full of fibre helps the sausages come out

Then you wipe and flush away! #

She's the nanny with the guts to get into the details.

Each of us has thousands of types of bacteria in our bowels

that help break down our food and keep our guts healthy.

I love gut bacterium, Mary Ploppins.

The bacteria also produces gases, which have to find their way

out somehow.

FLATULENCE

They're...

Show your bowel is working well and soon you'll need some bog roll

If you smell one wafting past you, well done to the whole world... #

Stop!

I have to draw the line somewhere.

She's just what this family needs.

But like that dodgy burger you had for lunch,

she's just passing through.

I'm sorry, but I really must ask you to leave.

Do you mind if I use the little nanny's room before I go?

Fine, but be quick about it.

TOILET FLUSHES

Urgh!

Cor, blimey, Mary Ploppins. Done a right pen and ink in there.

You might want to open a window. Good heavens,

there's two of them. You're just in time, Squirt.

Squirt? Yeah.

My friend Squirt here is an expert

in how you get your plops out of your body.

I know all the doo-doo's and all the don't-don'ts.

Gravity will help the plops migrate down south,

but it's the muscles in the intestines that do a lot of

the work helping chivvy your poops along.

This is turning out to be a rather strange day.

She may yank your chain once in a while,

but everyone goes more smoothly when Mary Ploppins pays a visit.

Well, I must say, Mary Ploppins,

thanks to you and your strange friend here,

my poos are as regular as clockwork. Me, too, Dad.

Just like a timber merchant, I've got logs to deliver.

Why don't we all go together?

Let's go to the bog

We'll all drop a log

Let's go to the bog and do our business... #

Yes, drop a couple of kids off at the cinema this summer

for Mary Ploppins: The Musical.

Oh, let's all go to the bog! #

It's bound to make a splash.

FLATULENCE

Oh, sorry. I'll only be quick!

Madam President!

Oh, sorry! Madam President!

I listen to Taylor Swift all the...

Chief Scientist Cartwright, what is it?

I'm giving an interview to Weekly News Online.

It's about your most recent health results.

Is something wrong? We've discovered

a build-up of a substance in your stomach.

It's highly corrosive and can destroy things.

Corrosive? Yeah, it can burn through things.

It's as powerful as hydrochloric acid,

which can dissolve metal.

And if it comes in contact with human flesh,

it can eat right through it.

You found a build-up of that inside of me?

Yeah. I'm not sure how much. Whoa! A substantial amount.

If I know anything about you, Madam President,

is that you will face this with maturity, grace,

and a sense of calm. I'M DOOMED!

Oh, my gosh. I'm going to die! I need to confess!

Madam President... No!

If this is how I'm going to end,

I need to get some things off of my chest.

Madam President... Here I go. I did not write my autobiography.

I just got a copy of Taylor Swift's and I changed the names. Oh!

WHISPERING: Madam President. Shh!

Last month, I caused an international incident by eating

the Prime Minister of Great Britain's sandwich,

and I blamed it on the King of Spain. Madam President!

It was a cheese and pickle sandwich. What was I supposed to do?

I love cheese and pickle. Also, I have

been playing online Scrabble with the President of China,

and I admit it has got out of hand.

If I don't find a word using the letters X, Y, J and Z,

I'm going to lose and we have to give him New York City.

Madam President! No, Scientist Cartwright, let me confess.

I'm a dying woman. No, you're not a dying woman.

You've just got a little too much stomach acid.

Stomach acid? What? You said it was a highly corrosive substance.

It's highly corrosive. It has to be, to digest the food.

But how come this stomach acid is not burning through my stomach?

Oh, that's a great question. Well, there's a strong lining

in our stomachs, and it's covered in mucus,

which acts as a protective layer against the acid.

See? It's dry!

So you're telling me I'm going to be fine?

Yeah. Sorry. I probably should have started with that, shouldn't I?

You think? Anyway, back to this piece on me.

Hello, NewsDesk. So the headline is,

"Scrabbling President, who posed as Taylor Swift,

"in a pickle with UK and Spain."

Have you got that? Oh! Oh, look, there's Taylor Swift right now.

What? Where? Yoink!

I can still see you. Can you see me now?

Miss Swift? Yes, I can.

You humans have acid in your stomachs?

Urgh! That is SO weird.

We have purple caterpillars

in our tummies that chew up our food.

That's much more normal.

And it means we burp butterflies.

BELCHING

Ah. Farewell, my friend.

It wasn't always that way.

We used to use our second stomachs to break the food down.

But since the caterpillars got involved, we don't need it.

I wonder if you humans have any bits that you don't need any more? Hmm?

Ain't going to lie, babe,

those wings ain't doing nothing for ya!

Oh, come on, when was the last time you flew anywhere?

You're an ostrich! What am I like?

Today, I've come to Southampton

to help David say goodbye to some long, unused things.

You've got a lot of tat, in't ya?

Do you think this will have to go, then?

Oh, I don't care about your boxes, babe.

It's your bits I'm talking about. What bits?

Us humans evolved from an animal which was much more ape-like, right?

And we've still got some of them bits we had back then.

My body's got ape bits? Sort of. But you ain't using them no more.

They're called vestigial remains. Veggie what now?

Vestigial remains! Body clutter. Oh.

For a start, you've got an extra muscle

linking your wrist to your elbow, but you ain't using it no more.

It don't make your arm no stronger.

It's to help you hang from trees

when your ancestors was more like apes.

Ooh! A connection to the distant past. Gives me goose bumps.

They're another one, actually. Oh?

They're leftovers from when we had fur.

Goose bumps make fur stand on end

when you feel threatened so you look bigger.

Lots of animals still use it today.

You need to sort your bits out!

GRUNTING

What are you doing? I'm just trying out that hanging muscle.

It works! It swings! Oh, babe, we need to talk about your tail.

What? I haven't got a tail. Oh!

CLATTERING AND CAT YOWLS

What's he like? Well, no,

but you had one when you was in the womb.

We all did. And you've still got the bone it's connected to

even now. I've got a tail bone. What?

Yeah. Right there. It's called the coccyx,

and it's left over from when our ancestors were more like monkeys.

So how am I going to get rid of these vegetable trains?

Vestigial remains. You can't, babe,

but they'll probably disappear over the next million years or so

if our descendants don't use them.

Right. So I'll just carry on as normal, then. Yeah.

I thought you were going to make me tidy my house.

Oh, you definitely need to do that, babe.

It's like a jumble sale in here!

CLATTERING

Ow!

Next week on Sort Your Bits Out,

I've got some strong words for a boa constrictor.

We all like a cuddle, babe,

but it don't change the fact that them leg nubbins

are left over from when you was a lizard.

You need to sort your bits out.

What am I like?!

Nasty Nature.

Yes. It's me, Dr Big Brain.

Just doing my thing and hatching evil new plans.

Now, when I asked Julie here to suggest ways

to power my new radioactive disintegrator beam,

which suggestion of hers wasn't completely ridiculous?

Was it to power the beam using A, goldfish,

B, caterpillars,

or C, bananas?

So what do you think? Think it's goldfish?

Yeah? Maybe. Swimming up a little storm.

Or maybe it's caterpillars using creepy crawly power.

Yes? No! You're wrong!

The answer's C, bananas.

Bananas are actually radioactive

because they contain lots of potassium,

and a tiny amount of all potassium is radioactive.

Who knew? So get peeling, Julie,

and let's power up that disintegrator.

Ooh! Er... The thing is, though, Dr Big Brain,

bananas are actually only a tiny bit radioactive.

Like, hardly at all.

So...they're actually completely harmless.

In fact, you'd have to eat about 1,000 bananas in one go

just to get the same amount of radiation you'd get from

an X-ray in a hospital. What?

So how many bananas do we need to power my disintegrator beam?

318 billion.

And how many bananas have we got

in the fruit bowl in the Evil Lairs kitchen?

About eight.

Take a walk with me, Julie. Don't worry. I'm not cross.

I just need to show somebody my new machine

that turns people into cobwebs.

Ooh. Yes, it's really quite remarkable.

JULIE SHRIEKS

Oh. Bananas.

Mmm! They may not power disintegrator beams,

but they're still very tasty.

Stinky Space.

FLATULENCE

Whoosh!

Director! Out of my way, Leslie! I'm so sorry.

He barged his way in! Shall I call security?

Shall I call the fashion police?

Because you've been wearing the same clothes for a decade.

It's called business casual. OK, stop.

Moon, what is all this about? I've come to book some time off.

Oh. Wait. You want a vacation? Yeah.

I've been orbiting the Earth for 4.5 billion years,

ever since I was formed from bits of debris

after something collided with the Earth.

I don't know what! I was a baby.

Anyway, bye-bye, Earth. I'm off travelling. See ya.

No, you can't go travelling. You orbit a planet.

That's what moons do. OK, hear me out.

Normally, I take 27 days

and about seven hours to orbit the Earth.

Right? Are you watching? Yes.

And the Earth takes around 365 days and six hours to orbit the sun.

We're stuck that way. What is your point?

What if I was to orbit faster? Faster, yeah, faster, faster.

Yeah? So I reckon I could do it in about 21 days,

which would give me six spare days.

I mean, did someone say weekends off? OK. Yeah.

Stop that, Leslie. Yes, please, Leslie.

Look, you can't have weekends off. You can't go on vacation.

You just can't leave. You are stuck in the Earth's gravitational pull.

It has been like that for billions of years.

Yeah, it feels so much longer. Did you know,

that because the way that I rotate as I'm orbiting the Earth,

it's always been the same half of me that's facing you?

I mean, I've had the same view for billions of years,

which I realise is not a disaster for you guys

because you get to look at all of this.

Moon, I can't help you. This meeting is over.

Leslie, show him the door. I know, I know the way out.

Oh, you've got a picture of me.

That's why you don't want me to leave.

I'll sign it. Leslie, write this down.

"Dear Leslie, buy new clothes." Bye!

It's work wear. Whatever! I look good.

Einstein's Reaction Vids! Smash that like button,

like it's ein particle accelerator.

It's your boy Einstein,

back for another science reaction vid.

Woo! Space.

AH! It's Tim Peake, the astronaut. Oh, we love you, Tim!

Tim! He can't hear me. It's a video. Tim Fail!

They are on the International Space Station,

and... Whoa! Front flip alert!

In space, there is no up or down.

Everything is floating everywhere.

Even the astronauts. They float like bubbles,

but made of people.

So I wanted to do a quick check today

and just see if I can make myself dizzy.

Oh, wow. They turned up wearing the same clothes.

Embarrassing! Just go into a ball and start spinning.

Wow! Go, Tim! That man is stirring him.

Whoa! Man, he is really spinning.

He is like ein sock in ein washing machine.

Let's go for it. That's good. It's kind of hypnotic.

Whoa!

Anyway, there are special organs filled with fluid in our inner ears

that sense our head movement and can make us feel dizzy.

And that can mean...

But in space, the fluid inside their ears floats.

So when they arrive on the ISS,

they get mixed signals all the time, confusing their brains.

But eventually, the astronaut brains learn

to ignore these mixed-up signals and they don't feel as sick.

He's still going. Tim, Tim, Tim!

That's cool.

Yeah, that's really fast. And he's still going.

OK. Everybody knows that one guy at a party,

it's like, "We get it. You've got a party trick."

Mine's dancing. Ja? It's not making me feel ill at all.

Whoa! Speak for yourself, Space Boy. OK.

Ooh! Thank goodness. He is nicht moving like

ein Catherine wheel any more. So definitely felt dizzy initially.

And now it's gone. I'm glad you are feeling better,

Mr Tim Peake, Spaceman. Oh!

OK. Thanks for watching Albert Einstein.

That was ein great video.

That definitely didn't make me feel sick at all.

Oh. Entschuldigung.

VOMITING

Don't forget to like and subscribe...

VOMITING

Fatal Forces.

Magnets are amazing. Check this out! Look at that.

The submarine just came right to me

because magnets can attract certain metals.

It's called magnetism.

Brilliant, hey?

Makes my life much easier. Dinner time!

Oh, a bit chewy!

For some, love comes easy.

But for others, it can take time to find the perfect match.

When we first met Lilah,

she wanted to attract someone in a different way.

So she turned herself into a giant magnet.

Did she really do that? Yeah. It wasn't good.

On her previous scientific first date,

Lilah learned that magnets do indeed have an invisible force

of attraction. Just not in the way she was hoping for.

Ah!

Ow.

Shall we sit down? I don't think I can.

I've got a fork stuck in me bum.

That date was short and uncomfortable

in several different ways,

but Lilah is back for another scientific first date.

I'll be honest, I regret becoming a human magnet.

It turns out really strong magnets

can wipe all the information off of your computer.

And that's not made me popular at work.

And there's a surprise waiting for Lilah,

as her date Steve is also a human magnet.

Oh!

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

Oh!

What's going on? Oh, magnets have north and south poles,

and if you've got two magnets,

then the north end of one attracts the south end of the other.

But if the two ends are the same, then they repel each other.

I mean, what are the chances

that I finally meet someone else who's been magnetised, too?

Come on, don't be shy.

And it turns out he's charged the same way round as I am.

Ah! Ah!

Our heads are constantly pushing away from each other,

but my head is really attracted to his feet.

They really smell.

Like, it's never going to work, is it?

CLANGING

Oh. Excuse me, sorry? I think this might be an iron stool.

Iron's actually a metal that magnets are attracted to really strongly.

Don't worry about it. I'll just take this with me.

That's fine.

Don't mind me. Shall I take your order? Yes, please.

Can I have the melon? Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

I'm a magnet. I'm sorry, too.

I thought my watch was made of silver,

but silver is a nonmagnetic metal, so it must be fake.

OK. Ah, ah!

Whoa! Oh, metal shelves.

It's been a short, difficult date,

and our lovebirds are ready to call it a night.

I'm sorry about all this.

So, do you think you'll see each other again?

I don't think so. I mean, we can't even get near each other.

Yeah, but it's not been a totally wasted evening

because my mum's going to meet Fred.

Come on, Fred, let's get out of here.

Oh! You're going to love my mum.

Ah! Home at last.

GROWLING

No! My keys!

Oh, you're kidding me!

Oh, that was definitely your fault.

How am I going to get them out?

With magnets!

You what? I'm Science Lady...

..your friendly neighbourhood physicist.

I'm sorry. What? A magnet works when the structure of atoms

in a metal line up and point in one direction,

making them pull other metals towards them.

So all I have to do

is poke my magnet through the grate,

and the keys will stick to...

Oops, sorry. Stuck to the grate.

I might just call the drain people.

It's fine! All I need is a smaller magnet,

and that is no problem for Science Lady.

I'm sorry. What are you doing? Ta-da!

In my hand is the smallest magnet ever made -

a single atom of holmium.

Aha! That's gone through the grate

and it's not picking up the keys.

Maybe it's a bit too small? You're right.

The smaller the magnet, the weaker the force.

We're going to need a bigger magnet.

WHISTLING

What is going...? Who! This is the biggest electromagnet ever made.

Not this. This is a remote control.

You can turn electromagnets on and off.

They use them in junkyards to lift cars.

And this one is 100 times more powerful than one of those.

Are you sure it's not too power-FUL?!

Oh! That's not good. Whoa!

Turn it off!

But I can't reach the remote.

SIREN WAILS

Maybe the police can help.

Or maybe not.

Aha! It worked. We've found your keys.

Whoa!

Huh? Guess you weren't the only person to drop your keys down there.

How am I supposed to open my door when I'm stuck to this magnet?

WEAKLY: Door's open. No need to thank me.

I'm Science Lady.

This is the worst day ever.

You humans use magnets all the time. They're in your computers,

your phones, your music speakers.

There are even some in your fridge keeping the door shut.

We don't have anything like that here on Quark.

Oh, no. But we do have magnets in our tails.

It makes it easy to call us home when it's dinner time.

Food's on the table! Oh!

Grub's up!

Hey. I thought we was meeting up. Why are you still working?

Sorry, I'm just finishing up this scientific research.

I don't know why you bother.

It's not like any of this stuff is any use in real life.

Are you kidding?

You're using science every hour of every day of your life.

I think I'd know if I was. Oh, really? Hit it!

How long has this been back here?

Baby, you know, when you turn on the lights

Whether they're dim or bright, when you turn them on

Science going on, happening all the time

When you turn on your tunes, make your camera zoom

Find the right street, touching your screen

Science makes it come true

Cos lots that we do has been improved

By thinking it through

Every day in lots of ways, we use science, too

Give three cheers for these science ideas!

We use

Science Science every day

It's not just for learning

You use it in lots of different ways

You use

Science Science every day

When you turn the hairdryer on and feel those sweet heatwaves

You know that when you are gaming online

When you look at the time, using your remote

That's been thought about, it is all by design

Cos every process has had a test to check that it works

Let's give a cheer for these ideas and all the perks

Let's say thanks, let's say thanks,

Let's say thanks

We use

Science Science every day

So much stuff you don't notice is science in the best way

You use

Science Science every day

If you're sick, you get fixed up by science

So hooray!

When the car breaks down Slows you down

Slows you down

When the cake bakes

I watch it rise, I watch it rise

Going to space Ooh!

And when you flush the loo Urgh!

It's not chance, it's not chance, it's not chance

We use Science

Science every day

When you're on an aeroplane it's designed to keep you safe

You use Science

Science every day

We're all using science in all kinds of different ways

When you're brushing Shiny and clean, shiny and clean

Or messaging Tap your screen, tap your screen

Yeah, let's face it Ooh!

We should thank scientists Uh-huh

We use science all the time We use science every day! #

Squirt? "Yeh." My friend...

Squirt? "Yeh." My...

Don't make that noise!

Squirt? "Yeh."

Mean and gross stuff you now know

Hope you enjoyed

The Horrible Science Show. #

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