All language subtitles for 5.23 The Pure Truth

The following program

is brought to you in living color
on NBC.

Gentlemen,
you know what day this is?

Uh-uh.

This is the first day of spring.

Hey, Pa, I got a vacation coming.
I think I'm gonna head for the hills.

You stay right here
and suffer with the rest of us.

You sure?

Right here, black and white.

A whole year gone by already.
I can't believe it.

Yeah, me neither.

My leg still aches
from when he broke it last year.

These exaggerated attacks
of spring fever of his,

ever since he was a boy.
You'd think he'd grow out of them.

There's been an earthquake
or he has just fallen out of bed.

I'll get the sulfur and molasses.

Damn. I should have known
this was coming up.

You know, the last couple of days
I've been watching him.

He gets that look on his face,
you know,

that far-away look like he hears
wild geese flying, you know?

That's the most dangerous time
of all.

That's when he can tromp on you
without even knowing it.

Yeah.
Well...

Ugh.
Well...

...let's get it over with.

Hoss.

Hoss.
Aah.

What, Pa? What's the matter?
You know what time of year it is.

Huh?

You know what time of year it is.

Yeah, it must be at least 7 or 8:00.

Hoss, it's the first day of spring.

Oh, no, Pa.

No, Pa, not that.

Pa, I promise you,
I'll be more careful.

I'll be real careful, Pa.

Don't give me that medicine.

It ain't never done no good before,
anyhow.

Well, we just can't take a chance
that it won't do any good.

Boys.

Get him, Adam.

Oh, no.

Dad-burned spring.

Hyah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back. Back, back.

Back.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Joe.

You son of flushed me there
all of a sudden like.

Yeah.

How come you didn't wake me up?

You done done all the work.

Hoss, believe me,
I feel a lot safer with you asleep.

Well, Little Joe,
it's that dad-burned tonic Pa gives me.

It just keeps me tuckered out
all the time.

Listen, I just want you to keep taking
that tonic, all right?

You keep taking that tonic
till you get rid of the fever.

Now, listen. Listen, listen.

I gotta go over
to the sheriff's office now

and deliver a message from Pa.
All right?

Come on over here.
I want you to sit down here

so you'll be out of the way
and out of trouble, all right?

Okay. Whatever you say.

Okay, let me just help you right over.
You'll be all right. Aah!

Come on, right over here, big brother.
Just sit down here.

There you go.

Now, listen.
Listen to me for a minute, huh?

I want you to sit here,
take it easy, relax,

stay out of trouble
and sit and watch the women go by.

Yeah, anything you say, Joe.
Right.

Hey.

Hey, here comes one now.

Mm-mm!

Hey, Shirley was nice, wasn't--?

Hess?

Sure hope I never have to
take that tonic.

Howdy, Roy.
Hi, Little Joe.

What brings you into town?
Just getting supplies.

Pa wanted me to tell you he was sorry
he couldn't make that poker game.

We were kind of busy.
Well, I imagine with the fire and all.

Did it do much damage
to the house?

No, we managed to get it put out
pretty quick.

How in tarnation did Hoss manage

to set that house afire
in the middle of the night?

Well, I'll tell you, Roy,
near as we can figure,

he was downstairs frying some catfish
and greens and the skillet turned over.

Frying catfish and greens
in the middle of the night?

You know, he gets pretty funny
appetites when he's got that fever.

Got the fever?
Yeah.

Oh, spring, huh? You didn't bring him
into town, did you?

Yeah, but don't worry about it, Roy.

I got that tonic in him.
He's half asleep in front of the store.

Joe, I don't think it was very fair
to bring him into town.

Now, I know that Hoss can look
and act as natural as anybody else,

but all of a sudden, boom,
and he's in trouble.

You remember what happened
last year over back at the saloon there,

when he got tangled up with all them
barrels and stuff? Man, what a mess.

What are we gonna do, Roy?
Really, what are you gonna do?

You can't lock a man up until he's ever
the fever. You just can't do that.

Well, I don't know.

It's in the public interest,
the public safety.

You know, maybe we got a point.

What do you mean?
About locking him up.

Hey, your Deputy Clem.
Clem, he's on vacation now, isn't he?

Yeah, he's on vacation, but what--?

You ain't thinking
what I'm thinking you're thinking.

Well, why not? You're gonna need
help around the office.

So you can take care of your duties.
Well, yeah, sure, but not Hoss.

Well, why not Hess?
He can do the work, Roy.

And besides, he'd be safe in here.

And then, at night,
when it was time to go to bed,

just let him go in a cell,
flop down on a cot...

...and you lock the door.

Be kind of like having a pet,
wouldn't it?

Right.

But the responsibility would be...

Roy, responsibility is your job.

This badge makes it
your responsibility, Roy.

The responsibility of the safety
of this whole town.

Look, visualize for a minute
what would happen if my brother Hoss

was left running loose
for two weeks?

I'll give you some of that tonic,
he sleeps half the time.

The tonic?
Sure.

Listen, here's what we'll tell him.

We'll say, "Hess, because of..."

You all right?
Yeah. Oh, hi, Roy. Yeah.

Anything happen while I was gone?

Nope, not a thing.

Roy, you sure
you need me around here?

It seems awful quiet to me.

What's this?

God danged if I know.

It's a wire.

Dang messenger must have snuck
in here

when I had my back turned
and left it.

Hey, it's from Rimrock, Utah.

Hoss,
you remember that Earl Tusher,

that fella that sawed his way
out of my jail last fall?

Yeah, terrible shame.

Well, the sheriff over there is
holding him and I gotta go pick him up.

Phew. It's a terrible long ride
from hereto Utah, Roy.

Yes, sir.

Well, I better go
and arrange the passage and--

Say, Hoss.
Yeah, what's the matter, Roy?

I was just thinking,
I'll be gone several days

picking up Earl Tusher and...

Now, Roy,
don't you worry about nothing here.

I'll take care of everything.

Yeah, I know, but I was just thinking
maybe you better get back

to the Ponderosa.

Your pa might need your help.

Roy, I promised you
I was gonna help you,

and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Yeah, I know, but I didn't figure
that I was gonna be out of town.

And it's a big responsibility
running this--

I'll tell you what.

We'll ride out to the ranch
and see what your pa thinks, huh?

Anything you say, Roy.

All right, I'll just get the keys
and we'll lock up-- Ow!

Roy!

Roy. Roy.

You busted my hand.

Roy, I'm terrible sorry.
Let me help you over to the doctor.

I don't need no help to the doctor.
I didn't bust my feet, I busted my hand.

It was my gun hand too.

I gotta think of that Earl Tusher,
and I gotta go up there,

and then if I get off...

Howdy, Herman.

Well, Hoss.

You, uh, going somewhere?

Yeah, I'm going to, uh, Utah.

I gotta go over there
and pick up old Earl, uh...

Tusher?
Yeah, Earl Tusher.

Yeah, well,
Earl ain't none too bright.

I figured he'd get himself caught
sooner or later.

But, uh, how come you're going?

Well, you know, Roy couldn't go
on account of his hand.

You know, he-- You know.

No. I didn't know Roy hurt his hand.

Well, I reckon he knows
what he's doing.

Where they holding Earl?

Rimrock.

Hey.

Reckon who she is?

That's the prettiest red hair
I ever did see.

Hoss, you say Rimrock or Redrock?

Yeah. Red.

Real red.

Yeah. Yeah. Here it is, Redrock.

Yeah, you gotta change
at the junction.

Yeah. Went in Grundy's store, huh?

All right, here's your ticket.

I've been aiming to drop in
on old Grundy.

I gotta buy me a new sa--
Hess?

Huh?
Here's your ticket.

Oh, yeah. Thank you, Herman.

That'll be $10.

Well, that's a powerful lot of money

to be spending on a man
like old Earl, ain't it?

Thank you, Hoss.
Yeah.

Herman, you got a piece of paper
I can borrow?

Sure.

There you are.

Roy, I can't tell you
how sorry I am about that.

That Little Joe and his tricks.
The moment I get my hands on that--

Now, Ben, it weren't altogether
his fault. I went along with the idea.

I thought it was a good one
at the time.

Really hurts, huh?
Yeah.

It's my gun hand. It's busted.

Now, I can't take a chance
on going after Earl Tusher.

I just gotta get somebody else
to do it.

Of course you do.

Well, look, Roy, I'll go after him
or one of the boys will go after him.

Not Hoss.

No, not Hoss.

Where is Hoss?

Well, I don't know, he wasn't here
when I got back from the doctor.

Maybe he went home. I hope.

Howdy, sheriff. Ben.

Herman,
what have you got there, boy?

A note for you.

It's from Hoss.

He says, "Roy, I sure am sorry
about all the trouble I caused you.

So I figure the least I can do
is to go get Earl Tusher.

Wire them I'm coming. Hoss."

When'd he give you that?
Just a little while ago.

Just before he left on the stage.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa.

Good evening, AI.
Howdy, Mr. Simmons.

Any passengers tonight?
I got one.

Reckon he must have fallen off
to sleep.

Look at that. Huh?

Oh, yeah. Well, folks are never
at their best when they're asleep.

Sure ain't.

Yeah. Well, good night, AI.
Good night, Mr. Simmons.

Red rock.

Eh?
Redrock.

Oh.

Ah. Hey, can you tell me
where I can find the sheriff?

Home in bed,
but I'd advise against it.

You mean, there ain't nobody
ever there in the jail?

Can't say.

Well, who's looking after
the prisoners?

Well, in the first place,
I don't know if we got any.

In the second, if we do, they'd be
in bed asleep like everybody else.

This is a real lively
little town you got here.

Well, I don't know
what you're expecting. 00.

You mean you ain't even got
no passengers waiting or nothing?

It's the end of the line.

Yeah, it sure is.

In more than one way.

Huh?
Look, where can I spend the night?

There's a boarding house
across the road.

Bang on the bell real hard

because it takes a heap of banging
to wake up old Smithers.

Look, are you sure the sheriff--?
Look, mister.

Whatever your business is,
it'll have to wait till morning.

Bank's been robbed, all right.

Safe door swinging wide open.

Ah! Do tell.

How much did they get?
Every penny.

I don't know what to say.

Now, Jesse, nobody's blaming you.

I'm sure you took every precaution.

Well, I thought I had,
and I still feel responsible.

Sheriff, I want you to know
that I'll do everything--

I reckon we all know that, Jesse.

Why don't you go get yourself
a cup of coffee?

Yeah, I think I better get
a cup of coffee.

Or maybe something a might
more bracing?

Yeah, thank you.
I still wanna help, you know that.

We know that,
but there's nothing you can do.

Take him along, will you, Jed?
Thank you.

That's all right.
Thank you, sheriff.

Bearing up beautifully.

All right, all right.
Let's get down to brass tacks!

Now, anybody hear anything unusual
last night,

any kind of a commotion?

Did you see anything suspicious,

anybody lurking around the bank
or something?

Any strangers in town?

I brought in a stranger last night,
sheriff.

You did?

Come to think of it,
that fella acted mighty peculiar.

He wanted to know
where the sheriff was

and if there was anyone down
at the jail.

What did you tell him?

I told him his business
would just have to wait till morning.

Appears like it didn't.

I don't know, sheriff,
on second thought,

that fella didn't strike me
as being brainy enough to rob a bank.

Well, he could have been pretending,
you know.

He didn't strike me as being
brainy enough to pretend either.

A law officer
is a better judge of that.

Which way did he go?
Over to the--

There he comes now.

All right, let's go.

Morning.
The nerve.

He ought to be hung.
How's that?

Look, sheriff, I've been looking
all over town for you.

You're under arrest!

Let's string him up.

For what?
For robbing the bank, that's for what!

Me?
Yes, sir.

You better come along peacefully,
boy.

Wait a minute!
Get a rope, men!

Wait a minute,
you're making a big mistake.

Hold on, now!
What's he doing with the rope?

They ought to let you
pull the rope, sheriff.

Sheriff, this ain't right.

Well, to tell you the truth,
here, now, uh,

this is the first crime we've had
in 10 years.

I don't rightly know what's proper.

Stand aside, sheriff,
we'll handle the whole thing.

Now, come on, fellas,
get him up now.

Come on. Come on, now.
Get him up on the horse. Come on.

Now, wait minute!
You can't hang that man! Hold on!

Stand back.

Hey, watch him now. Hold him.

Now, wait a minute, now. Come on.

Hey.

Don't shoot!
We wanna get our money back.

Get your horses. Get your horses!

From the racket you're making,
I know you ain't no In jun.

Come on out from behind them rocks,
now, and have some coffee.

I must say I'm a might curious
as to what you're doing here.

You're too far off the trail
to be sightseeing.

Well, much obliged.

You two go around that way, boys.

I'll go around this way and meet you.

They after you?
Hightail it into that tent.

Howdy, sheriff.
Get down and have a cup of coffee.

Oh, can't stop now.
Hot on the trail of a bank robber.

Great big fella.
Named Hoss Cartwright.

Can't say I know anybody
by that name.

You wouldn't know him,
just thought you might have seen him.

Big fella like that?

If he was in my camp,
I sure would know it, wouldn't I?

Yeah, I reckon you would.

Yeah, well, I've been here all day.

Yeah, I must have figured wrong.

Caught his horse back there

and figured
he might have headed this way.

You're welcome to look around,
sheriff.

Maybe he's in the tent.

Eh, no. If he was here,
you would have seen him.

From the size of that belly, sheriff,

stooping over and looking
in a few tents wouldn't hurt you none.

You got a provoking way
of saying things, Miss Looney.

Ain't no wonder you're out here alone
living by yourself.

Come on.

YOU can come out HOW.

Ma'am, I don't mind telling you, you
scared the daylights out of me in there.

I'd dang near soon hang to death
as be scared to death.

Oh, I knew he wasn't gonna look
in the tent.

One way to confound your enemies
is to tell them the truth.

Did you ever notice how little
attention people pay to the truth?

Oh, yeah.

Now that you mention it.

Oh, ma'am, in that case, how come
you didn't tell him that I was here?

Well, now, he didn't actually
come right out and ask me.

Besides, I figured I'd kind of like
to know why you was getting away.

Well, they think I robbed a bank.

Well, did you?
Oh, no. Certainly not, ma'am. No.

Then why did you run away?

Well, you see,
they were all so excited,

they wouldn't listen to me,
they wouldn't let me explain

that I'm Hoss Cartwright
from Virginia City.

And they all got to talking about ropes,
and lynching and hanging and...

Well, I just didn't figure there was
much future in me hanging around.

How come you didn't keep riding
till you got clean away?

Well, I, uh--

Well, I--

I fell off my horse, ma'am.

Oh.

Well, it's a good thing
you stumbled into this camp, boy.

You ain't safe out there alone,
you know.

Well, first thing in the morning, I'll go
into town and see what I can find out.

You mean you believe me?
Well, of course I believe you.

But, ma'am,
you don't know nothing about me.

With all the experience I've had,

you think I don't know the pure truth
when I hear it?

Well, I'm certainly obliged to you,
Mrs., uh...?

My name's Lulabelle.
Miss Lulabelle Watkins.

Folks around here call me Looney.

Looney? Looney, that don't sound
much like Lulabelle, does it?

It ain't.

It is shed for lunatic.

Oh, well, come on,
let's get some shut-eye.

Yeah, I'll just bed down out here.

No. Come on,
you're gonna stay in the tent.

Ma'am, I--
Come on, don't argue with me.

You're gonna be safer in there.
Come on, get in there.

I don't wanna take your tent, ma'am.
I__

Now, don't worry, boy.

Come and get it, grub's ready!

What's the matter with you, boy?
You almost knocked that tent down.

Oh, ma'am, it's the fever. It's on me.

The fever? What do you mean?

Well, ma'am, it seems like every year
at about this time,

I get the fever,

and I do some
of the most exasperating things.

You got the spring fever, boy?

Yeah.
Oh, got it bad?

Real bad.

I got just the thing for you, boy.

Here.

Now, here,
you take a good slug of this.

I had a mule once who had the fever,
this cured him just fine.

Sulfur and molasses?

No, no. It is my own concoction.

Go on. Go on. Drink it.

Takes a little time to take effect,
but when it does, barn, you're cured.

Agh!

Hey. Hey, that ain't half bad.

Like I said, cured my mule just fine.

Now, you go on
and keep swigging that

and I'll go to town and scout around.

Now, boys, you gotta admit,

$500 reward ought
to make it worth your while

to catch this here fella Cartwright.

But remember one thing,
we want him alive.

Somebody gets careless
and kills him

before we find out
where he hid that money,

why, we're gonna be in a fix.

Sheriff, you offering $500
for Cartwright

or the fellow that robbed the bank?

Looney, don't you ever get tired

of asking them feel questions?

You know Cartwright
was the only stranger in town

when the bank was robbed.

Looney, don't you think he done it?
Nope.

Well, how come?
He told me so.

All right, fellas,
now, you know what to do.

Can't you do nothing right?

Now, Ward--
Now, Ward, nothing.

While I'm out hiding the money, you're
just sitting here messing things up.

Well, how was Ito know

that Cartwright would bust out
and run away?

When he run,
why didn't you shoot him?

Well, you know I don't hold
with violence like that.

Two years, we've been sitting here

waiting for a stranger to come along
and be our pigeon.

And now you let him run away.

Shh. Will you keep your voice--?

The sheriff's out looking for him,
isn't he?

And if he finds him
and don't find the money,

a finger could point at us.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I just gotta find that Cartwright.

You know,

there's something
about that Looney.

Now, I said that I'd go along with you,
didn't I?

Oh, I didn't mean it that way.

I think I'll mosey on up to her place
and have a look around.

Oh, dear. If she's mixed up in this,
we're in real trouble.

Oh, she can bleed
just like anybody else.

Oh, please, Ward, will you--?

Boy! Boy, boy, you all right?

Oh, you all right here. Now--
Now, take it easy.

Oh, you must have been playing
with that blasting powder, boy.

What happened?
You tell me.

That powder I had in the tent
must have went off.

That's it. I went into the tent to get me
some more of that tonic and I--

And you lit a match.
And I--

Yeah, I lit a match.

Boy, for a body
with as big a head as yours,

you make mighty little use of it.

Gold.

Gold!

Gold! Look at this. Gold!

Why, this is the highest grade of ore
I've found around here

in 20 years of prospecting.

You mean-- You mean that that--

You found yourself a gold mine, boy.

It's not mine, ma'am, it's yours.

No, after 40 years,

you come along and prove I've been
sitting here on it all this time.

Well, ma'am, I'm sorry. I just can't get
too interested in gold at the moment.

You ain't interested in gold?

What good it's gonna do me?

All I can do is go out
and buy myself a fancy funeral

after they get through
stringing me up.

Oh, now, I'm not gonna
let them string you up, boy.

How you gonna prevent it?

Well, new, first off all,
we gotta get our finances straight.

Do you know anything
about mining gold?

Not a thing.

I figured I'd let you handle all of that.

Well, that's the ticklish pan of it.

I don't know nothing
about mining gold neither.

I thought you just told me
you'd been prospecting for 40 years.

Well, prospecting means looking
for gold, not finding it.

You know, a rich vein like this
runs clean through this mountain.

It's gonna take a lot of know-how
to get it out.

Yeah.

Son of like finding counterfeit money,
ain't it?

Looks like there ought to be some way
we could profit from it, though.

Oh, there's bound to be, boy.

Let's sleep on it tonight, huh?
Yeah.

Maybe we'll dream up an answer.

Come on.

Boy, it's a good thing we struck gold.

It takes money
to afford an appetite like yours.

Yeah.
You dream up anything last night?

Well, first off,
we gotta file a claim on the land.

I can do that in Redrock.

Yeah, you know,

anybody sees them samples,
if they're rich as you say,

they're gonna dig this mountain
plumb out from under us.

Nobody's gonna find out about the ore.
I don't need to get it assayed.

There's gotta be some reason for
a prospector filing a claim on land.

Homesteading.

Yeah.

All right, so we file a claim,
then what do we do?

Well, you don't know nothing
about mining

and I don't know nothing
about mining.

How do you feel about selling it?

Suits me.

There's just one hitch.

Yeah, I figured there would be.
What is it?

Money. You got any?
Filing takes money.

I lost my wallet
when the posse was chasing me.

Ain't you got none?
Nope, not a cent.

Well, it son of looks like
we're out of business, don't it?

Not exactly.

We still got one valuable asset.

Yeah?

Well, let's use it. What is it?

You. You're worth $500.

Miss Looney.

You want me to go to jail
just so we can get the reward?

Well, now that's a hard way
of putting it.

But with you in jail, the real robber
would feel safe and give himself away.

Yeah.

Well, you do make it sound
son of simple at that.

Then you'll do it?

Dad burn it.

I've been thinking
I ought to turn myself in, anyhow.

Might as well kill two birds
with one stone, I reckon.

Ha, ha. Have some more tonic, boy.

You're thinking better.

Mm, ma'am.

We got company.

Well, you're in luck, Ward.

Another five minutes
and we'd have been gone.

You don't need to go pointing that gun
at us, ain't nobody unfriendly here.

Oh, yes, there is. Me.

What do you mean?

Well, you might say
I'm representing the law.

Taking in a wanted man.

I got a feeling
he's talking about me, ma'am.

You're feeling right.

Well, just keep in mind
that I'm worth $500 alive.

It might be you're worth more dead.

What do you mean by that, Ward?

You in on that bank robbery?

Now, I'm just doing my duty
as a citizen, taking in a wanted man.

Hand me that rifle.

Now, let's go.

And you, old woman,

you make sure you stay right here.
And don't try nothing foolish.

Oh, he'll be right as rain,
except for a little headache.

And that's a lot kinder
than he would have been to you.

He probably would have shot you, told
everybody you was trying to escape.

He probably would have.

Ma'am,
I'm much obliged to you again.

Oh, that's nothing.

Well, I'll be doggone.
Where'd you find him, Looney?

He found me, is more like it.

Oh, come on.

Stay here, Nelly.

Right in there, big fella.
Yeah.

Well, looks like we're all gonna get
our money back.

Now, you boys, clear out,
tell the folks to quit worrying.

Go on.
All right.

Yes, sir. Heh.

Gonna have a little talk
with that prisoner.

Ain't you forgot something, sheriff?

Oh, the reward money.

Well, it's right here,
just like I said it would be.

Here.

One, two, three, four, $500.

I'm surprised the folks in this town
could raise that much cash.

Well, folks didn't have to.

Old Jesse Simmons felt so bad
about his bank being robbed,

he just put up
all the reward money himself.

Oh, well, now,
wasn't that nice of him?

You thinking what I'm thinking, boy?
Huh?

How come that robber
didn't get all the money

out of Jesse Simmons' bank?

Here.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm putting my money in a safe place.
I got a mighty low opinion of banks.

Why is it I always keep forgetting

you ain't the most sensible woman
in the world?

What you gonna do
with the money?

Thought I might file a claim
on that land around my camp

and settle down here permanent.

Settle down when you got
the most grubstake money

you ever had in your life?

Yep,
seems like a pretty good notion.

I guess I'll go over there
and file right now.

You got your tonic, boy?

All right, son, sit down.

You and I are gonna have
a nice little talk.

Well, it's high time.

Of course, the most important thing
now is where you hid the money.

Nope. The most important thing is,

how come you put me in this jail cell
in the first place?

Now, Iookie here, big fella,

you don't expect to go around
robbing banks and not get put in jail.

I ain't robbed no bank.

Well, what'd you run for
if you wasn't guilty?

Well, I didn't figure
it was fitting to sit there

and argue with you all daylong about it
with a rope around my neck.

Well, I admit that feelings
was running kind of high,

but that ain't no reason
why we can't sit and chat about it now.

Fine.

I'm Hoss Cartwright
from Virginia City.

Now, Roy Coffee sent me here
to pick up Earl Tusher

on account of
he accidentally hurt his hand.

You hear me?

Oh, I heard you all right,

but what's all that gotta do
with, uh, where the money is hid?

It ain't got nothing to do with money.

Like I told you,
I'm hereto pick up Earl Tusher.

Who's Earl Tusher?

Earl Tusher, your prisoner.

Now, son, you can see,
you're the only prisoner I got.

Look, you sent a telegram
to Roy Coffee in Virginia City,

and you told him
you was holding Earl Tusher.

Who's Roy Coffee?

Who's Roy Coffee?

Why, Roy Coffee,
the sheriff in Virginia City, Nevada.

Like I told you, he hurt his gun hand

and I'm down here
to pick up Earl Tusher in his stead.

Uh, can you read and write?

Well, not the best in the world,
I reckon, but, uh, why do you ask?

Well, it's a shame a fanciful fella
like you

ain't putting that stuff down
for folks to read.

Looney, you mean to say

you filed claim
on that mountain of rock

you been camping on
all these years?

That's the right of it.

What crop you figuring
on getting out of it?

Gold.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Simmons.

Well, good afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, Miss Looney.
Howdy.

Hey, I understand that you delivered
the culprit to the sheriff.

I brought in Hoss Cartwright.

Well, good for you.
What about the money?

Wasn't any.
There wasn't any?

Oh, well, that's bad.

We may not be able to find the place
where he hid it, you know.

Oh, Looney figures
maybe Cartwright didn't do it.

Well, now that's interesting.
How does she figure that?

Well, says it'd be pretty hard
for a man to rob a bank

in the middle of the night
without making a speck of noise.

Unless he had a key.

But that's ridiculous.

Nobody has the key to the bank
but me.

That's what we told her.

Well, perhaps Miss Looney
will solve the mystery for us.

Yeah, Looney, who done it?

He did.

For a minute,
I thought you took her seriously.

Well, anything for a laugh.

Oh, Looney, you are the one.
You are the one.

You get me
as far as accepting violence,

and then Looney walks into town
with Cartwright

just as pretty as you please.

And she blames me
for the bank robbery.

I know. I know.

What are we gonna do now?

The smart thing.

Take the money and get out.

Oh, just like that. Without a word.

Yeah, that's right.

I'll ride out now and get the money.

Tomorrow, we'll leave on the stage.
A business trip.

No. I just don't know.

Hey, uh, what is that stuff?

It's tonic.

You wanna try a little of it?

Much obliged.

That ain't bad.

Now, Iookie here, boy.

Folks have had a time to cool off

and now they ain't so much concerned
about what happens to you

as they are about getting back
their money.

So if you just tell me
where you hid the money,

things will go a lot easier on you.

Sheriff,
like I've been trying to tell you,

there ain't no way I can tell you
where that money is

because I don't know
where that money is.

And I ain't had nothing to do
with no bank robbery.

Then what were you doing here?

Like I said,
I was here to fetch Earl Tusher.

Look here, the folks
just ain't gonna believe that story.

Now, you'd be a sight better off
if you'd just, uh, come clean.

Howdy, sheriff.

Uh, you wanna see the prisoner?
No, sheriff, I come to see you.

Well, what do you want?

Well, I figure it's high time
you got down to business

and put Simmons
and that Ward fella in jail.

Now, see here, Looney,
you going around talking like that,

people gonna think you're--

Well, just don't go talking like that.

How many times I gotta tell you?
Simmons robbed his own bank.

It don't make no difference how many
times. It just don't make no sense.

Any young'un would tell you it's
the only thing that does make sense.

Well, I got no time to argue,
I gotta go home to supper.

But that stage leaves in the morning.
You gotta arrest them tonight.

No, I don't. I gotta get home.

Ain't you afraid they'll get away?

I'm more afraid of Emma.

Besides, she's having pot roast.

Well, appears like if there's
to be any sheriff tog done tonight,

it's up to me to do it.

I see. And just what would you do?

Well, first off,
I'd let that poor innocent boy out of jail.

Well, shucks, now, we don't want
no innocent folks in jail, do we?

And then me and the boy here
would go out,

round up them rascals red-handed
and take back the money.

Well, now that strikes me
as a pretty sound program.

Why don't you do that, Looney?

You take care of that and I'll go home
and take care of the pot roast.

Come on, boy.
But, Miss Looney,

wait a minute.
What's the matter?

I ain't too anxious about getting shot
over breaking out of jail.

You ain't breaking out of jail, boy.

You heard what the sheriff said,
word for word.

But didn't it strike you a little peculiar
the way he said it?

If a body held off doing something

every time
something sounded peculiar,

it's hard to say
what would ever get done.

Yeah, I reckon you're right at that.

But just walking out of jail like--
That ain't no way to talk.

Besides, we got them worried.

We have? What happened?
Yeah.

Well, just like I said,
Simmons and Ward robbed the bank.

How'd you find that out?
I overheard them talking, come on.

There's a light in Simmons' office.
They're in there, all right.

Well, let's go in there and get them.

Hold it, boy. Remember your fever.

You go around front.

I'll go in this way and scare them

so they'll bust out the front way.
Then you can catch them.

It seems a might more likely to me
that they'll bust out this back door.

Well, I'd feel a sight easier in my mind
if I knew you was out front.

But, ma'am, if--
You gonna stand here jawing all night

or are you gonna do like I said?
Yes.

What was that?
What?

Well, I thought I heard something.

I'll take that gun.

Now, as long as you're so nosy

to find out what's going on in there,
go on in.

Here's that noise you heard.

Oh, dear, now what do we do?

I'll kill her like I should have before.

Well, you don't think
I come here by myself, do you?

Well, you did, didn't you?
Of course not.

She's lying.
No, no, no. No, she ain't.

One thing I found out
about this old woman,

she always tells the truth.

You gotta ask her things just right.

How many people are out there?

Seven hundred and forty-three,
last count.

That's the population.

I know, I know.

How many people are outside
waiting for us to come out?

Well, now, if you mean--

Now, you know perfectly well
what he means.

How many men came with you?

Come on, come on.

You figuring to shoot me
or poke me to death?

Don't poke her. Don't poke her.

Well, I ain't particular about details,

but if I don't get
a straight answer quick,

I'm gonna start something
right soon.

Now, for the last time,

how many men came with you?

The pure truth.

One.
One. One.

Where is he?
Well, like I told you, he's outside.

I know he's outside.
Is he in the front or the back?

Of the bank?

Of course of the bank.

This bank.
I wanted to get your meaning clear.

Well?

Well, what?

Shoot her.

Aw.

Is the man who came with you
in the front or the back?

Neither.

Boy, boy, was I glad to see you.

Yep, I reckon I got here just in time,
huh?

How'd you happen
to come after me?

Well, I figured you was in trouble
when they didn't come busting out.

You figured that out all by yourself?

And you got in here
without making a speck of noise.

Yup, I was standing out there in front,
and just like you said,

barn, the fever left me.

I declare, boy,
there just ain't no end to wonders.

Yup.

Well, that is the wildest story
I ever heard in my life.

Yep, but everything turned out all right.
I got the two crooks.

That's right. You caught double
the number you started out after.

Yeah. I son of feel bad
about old Earl Tusher, though.

I'll ride into town first thing in morning
and tell Roy about it,

and I'll get right on my way
after him.

Oh, I don't think Roy will appreciate
that offer too much, Hoss.

Yeah, but why, Pa?

This tonic that Miss Looney gave me,
why, it cured my fever just like that.

Now, any time I feel it coming over,
I just take a big swig of it.

Well, uh, we'll talk about that
in the morning, huh?

Let's all go to bed now.

Back to sulfur and molasses.

Dad burn it.

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