All language subtitles for 5.07 Calamity Over the Comstock

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in living color on NBC.

Come on, you droop-eyed,
grass-bellied mountain bloomers,

we ain't got all month. Hyah!

You grubby-nosed, fence-crawling
case of worms. Hyah!

You all get along or get me a 2-by-4

and bust it across your stupid
bone-filled, stubborn-headed heads.

Hyah!
Hold on, now, Cal.

Ain't no call for you to bust loose
on them mules.

They's doing the best they can.
They ain't doing the best they can.

Get along, you sons of Satan. Hyah!

Paiutes.

Get that wagon up front.

Hyah! Come on, you mules.

Get down off that wagon!

Get under there. Get.

Got one of them mangy, no-good,
hair-lifters, I did.

Get back here!

Come on.

Walt.

Cal.

Cal, who's gonna take care of you?

You gotta look after Cal, mister.

Promise me you will.

IWill.

Here.

If you hadn't rode trouble our way,
Walt would be alive right now.

You know that, don't you?

You think that hasn't been
bothering me?

Walt was a good friend.

Look,
I know it's of little comfort you now,

all I can say is I'm sorry.

I guess maybe if them Paiutes was
chasing me, I'd done the same thing.

I had no call to say what I did.

I'd be beholden to you if you just forget
I ever opened my mouth.

All the same, I'm sorry.

I made him a promise.
I feel kind of responsible for you.

No country for a kid
to be running around in alone.

Especially if the kid's a girl.
A girl?

Don't you go calling me no girl.

Why not?
That's what you are, isn't it?

How'd you find out?

I took a wild guess.

You won't tell nobody. You gotta
promise me you won't tell nobody.

Why not?

Because a lot of people think
like you think.

"This ain't no country for a girl
to be wandering around in alone."

Well, I got a lot of wandering to do,
a lot of places to see,

and I don't want
no blue-nosed old ladies

or dang-blasted peace officers
trying to stop me.

You understand?
Mm-hm.

Promise?

Promise. That is, if you promise
to come out to the ranch with me

for a couple of days, just to give
yourself a little time to decide

where you want to go
and what you want to do.

You got a ranch?

My pa does. I live there with him
and my two brothers.

I'd kind of like to have you
meet them,

like to have them meet you too.

What do you say, is it a deal?

It's a deal.

After I deliver this here stuff
to Virginia City.

Okay. Better get started.
We got a long ride ahead of us.

Well, business over. I'm thirsty, Joe.

Could use me a drink.
Best place in town, right here.

There's the place.

Hey, wait a minute, you can--
Hey, you ca--

Hey, you,
we need us a drink up here.

What'll you have, Little Joe?
Beer.

Beer coming up.
Wait a minute.

You talking to me, son?
Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Give me a bottle of whiskey
and a glass.

How old are you, sonny?

Old enough to bullwhack
a freight wagon

900 miles across
hot, stinking desert,

old enough to lap up the bottom
of a barrel of Monongahela

and old enough to blow
the top of your head clean off.

Now, how about that whiskey?

You heard the man.

That was fun.
What do you really want?

We got lemonade, fruit punch,
grape juice? I'm buying.

I want whiskey. And old Cal's buying.

I said a glass.

I gotta see.

Hey, you just watch
who you're pushing, you big ape.

Well, you dirty-faced little insect.

You shut your yapping trap
or I'll thumb you to death.

I'll squeeze you like a tiny ant.

Now, you get out
before I peel your head like a peach.

I'm going. I'm going.

Them big fellas are like babies,
they is.

Yeah, well, you keep that up,

you're not gonna live long enough
to spend this.

Stop that drinking, you had enough.

One more for the tules, Joe.

Where we going now?

Well, we're gonna 90--
We're gonna go home,

and you're gonna rest and you can
decide what you wanna do next.

And you're gonna take a bath.

You ain't exactly no violet either.

And that's no way to talk to a lady.

I thought you weren't supposed
to be a lady.

Come on, let's go.
I already know what I wanna do.

Know exactly what I wanna do.

Yeah? And what is that?

I wanna stay with you, Joe.

I want to stay with you
forever and ever.

Oh, boy.

See you, Bern.

Ah, it's about time that young brother
of yours got home

Won't you come out tonight

That's Joe?

If that's our little brother, he must have
slept in a swamp all night.

Won't you come out tonight

And we danced
By the light of the moon

Hi, Pa. This here's Cal.
Howdy.

Cal, this is my pa,
my brother Hess and my brother Adam.

Horse, huh?
Looks more like buffalo to me.

Buffalo gals, won 'I you--

Joseph.

Oh, uh, Cal's just gonna
spend the night, Pa.

Oh.

Yeah, we're just going to go upstairs
and get cleaned up a bit.

How about that bath
I promised you, Cal?

Yeah. How about that bath
that you promised me?

Don't you worry about a thing, Pa,
I'll take care of everything.

See you later, fellas.

Good to be home, Pa.

Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight

Come out tonight
Won't you come out tonight

Did you get the impression
that little fellow was drunk?

Drunker than a fly
on a corn squeezing.

Well, he does have a knack
for making friends.

Yeah.

Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight

Come out tonight
Come out tonight

Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight

And we'll dance
By the light of the moon

He sure got a big voice
for a little fellow.

Ain't he, though?

Hey, ain't there no towels
in this dump?

Dump.

What that Cal needs more
than anything else is a good thrashing.

Hey, somebody bring me
a gall dang towel.

Joe, you gonna take your partner
a towel or not?

Oh, hey, uh, I was wondering maybe
you ought to take him a towel, Hoss.

He feels kind of strange in the house,
you'd make him feel home, you know.

Yeah. I'll make him feel at home.

I'll take him a towel
and stuff it right down his throat.

What do you intend to do
with your protégé?

I don't know.

We can always use an extra hand
around the place can't we, Pa?

I could use an extra cup of coffee.

Hey, how about that towel?

I'm coming. Keep your pants on.

I ain't got no pants on.

No, ma'am, I reckon you ain't.

What's the matter, you big ape?
Ain't you never seen a lady before?

Oh, yes, ma'am, I've seen lots.
I mean, I...

Oh, Lordy.

I was lumbering down the street

Down the street
Down the street

Pa, that...

What's the matter, Hess?

Pa, that Cal,
that fella Joe brought, he's...

Oh, Lordy.

Hoss, what's the matter?

Pa, he ain't no he at all,
he's a she. It's a gal.

He's a what?
A gal.

Joseph.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Now, did you know
that he was a girl?

What? Oh, no, Pa.

You know I knew a thing like that,

I'd certainly tell you about it,
wouldn't I?

I don't think you'd have told us.

Joe, I'm gonna tear you
limb from limb.

Howdy.

That man's a Peeping Tom.

Now, ma'am, that ain't true.
I mean, Cal.

I was just coming up there
to give you a towel and...

Oh, Lordy.
Ma'am.

It seems we've made
a little mistake here.

What might your last name be,
ma'am?

My last name might be Canary.

Well, then what might
your first name be?

Jane.
Jane.

Then how come
you call yourself Cal?

Well, that's shed for Calamity.

Calamity?
Calamity Jane.

Oh.

Nice moon.

Yeah. Yeah, it's nice.

Aren't you tired?
Tired? Why should I be tired?

Heh, we had a long hard day today.
You're not tired?

Nope.

Oh, I am. I am tired.

Hey, do you know what we have to do
tomorrow?

First thing we gotta do
is get you some new duds.

I can't have you walking around here
looking like one of my brothers.

What's the matter
with the way I look?

Oh, nothing.

You look great, heh, heh.
You look great.

You know, I like you, Joe.

Don't guess I ever met a fella
I like better.

You ain't nothing like John.

John. Who's John?

He's the fella
I was running away from.

Always chasing me,
wants to marry me.

But he's a dentist, and I just couldn't
stand the thought marrying a man

who spends most of his time
looking down people's throats.

But, uh, speaking of marrying,

a gal like me would make a fella
a mighty fine wife.

Why, I can ride
with the best of them.

Snap a fly off an oxen's ear with
a bullwhip four times out of five.

Clear leather faster
than a cat can sneeze.

Drink more whisky than a...

I guess that don't sound too lady
or wife-like, does it?

Heh. No, it doesn't.

Maybe I... Maybe I ain't too good
at talking like a woman,

but I ain't so bad at acting like one.

Joe?

Joe?

Do you like it, Joe? Do you like it?

Yeah. Yeah. It's nice.

Oh, Joe-Joe.
"Nice" is all you have to say.

Why, this is the latest fashion
from Paris.

Why, mademoiselle is very chic
in this dress. And she's very pretty.

You know, she would be the most
beautiful girl at the Fireman's Ball

on Saturday night.

Fireman's Ball?

Well, I guess I just ain't the type
for them fancy shindigs.

Oh, the hair, Joe-Joe.
What are we going to do with her hair?

Well, we can always cover it.

Cal, what's the matter?
It's Johnny.

Hey, Babette, wrap up
those other dresses, will you?

And send the bill to Pa.

Johnny!

I just knowed you'd follow me, John.
I just knowed it.

Who's he?
Oh, that's Joe Cartwright.

He just got me all gussied up.
How do you like it?

That was very considerate
of Mr. Cartwright.

Wasn't it? Well, what are we
standing around here for?

This is a big day.

I got me a brand-new dress
and two fellas,

let's just go in this here saloon
and lap us up a bellyful of drinks.

Let's just do that.

Listen, you two must have a lot
to talk about, so I'll--

You'll join us, Mr. Cartwright?

Well, that's very kind of you.
Don't mind if I do.

Doc Holliday.

Sit down.
Hey, chubby.

Ha, ha, chubby.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're not allowed
to serve the ladies in here.

You served me yesterday.

If you're smart,
you'll do the same today.

You--

You mean, she's the same?

Mm-hm, yeah, she's him.

But...
You heard the lady.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
I sure heard the lady.

Jane looks real pretty.

That was nice of you to do that,
Mr. Cartwright.

Why did you do it?

Why?

I just felt the clothes she had on
weren't fitting a lady.

And they wasn't.

And you consider that your business,
Mr. Cartwright?

Oh, come on, don't be so formal,
just call me Joe.

All right, and you can call me Dec.

Doc?

Holliday.

Holliday?

Oh. Uh--

It's Doc Holliday, heh.

He's that dentist
I was telling you about, Joe.

Oh, the" Sure, the dentist.

The den-- My teeth are all good.

All good, heh.

It's a real pleasure to see you, Doc.

Uh, let's keep it that way, shall we,
Mr. Cartwright?

Sure. Sure, Doc, let's.

And now that we understand
each other,

I'm sure you'll excuse us.

Hm? Oh, yeah,
I got a lot of things to do, anyway.

You probably have a lot of things
to talk about.

Wait a minute, Doc.
No. no.

Please, I've gotta go pick up
your clothes and I gotta go shopping.

And I got a lot of things to do.
You just...

You-- You know...

You had no call to do that, Doc.

Didn't I?
No, you didn't, gall dang it.

You're coming away with me. Now.

I ain't going nowhere with you, Doc,
let alone marry you.

Now, look, Doc, it ain't
that I don't like you, because I do.

I got a deep sisterly affection
for you.

But it ain't enough for marrying,
it just ain't.

And him?

I don't know.

That Little Joe,
he might be just the fellow for me

to want to settle down with
and be a lady.

A lady.

You will never be a lady.

No more than I'll ever be anything

but a man running
to meet oblivion.

Folks like us, Cal...

...we got the devil on our coattails.

And he's ridden us and whipped us
so long, we're used to it, and maybe,

maybe we even like it.

We're much alike, you and I,
and we need each other.

And I'll kill the man who tries
to take you from me.

We gotta do something
about that cough, Doc.

Yeah. I, uh...

I gotta do something about that.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe we do have the devil
on our coattail,

but I gotta try.

I gotta see for myself.

Ride out of here
and give me a chance.

If it don't work,
I'll come looking for you, I promise.

You won't have far to look. I, uh...

I'm not going anywhere.

Suit yourself, Doc.

Well, I gotta go along
and get me some more

of that ladylike wearing apparel.

Doc Holliday.

Well, in that event, then, Joseph,

I suggest that the most sensible thing
that you could do

would be to take Ms. Canary
into town first thing in the morning

and get her a room. We don't need
any trouble with Doc Holliday.

Yeah, Pa, but I can't do that.
In a way, I kind of owe her my life.

She's just liable to collect on that debt
if you don't get her out of here.

Yeah, and then too I made that promise
to Walt about looking after her.

I'm not asking you to break your word
or shirk your responsibility.

I'm just saying
that under the circumstances,

it would be much better
if you got her a room in Virginia City.

I'd like to, but she won't go.

What do you mean she won't go?

She just won't go!

Besides,
I'm not afraid of Doc Holliday.

Oh, pm.

No, I can take care of him.

Well, Joe, it ain't like
we got no confidence in you.

It's just that...

Well, I've heard tell that fella Holliday
done killed himself 15 men.

He ain't even worked up
a good mad yet.

Oh.

How do you like it?

You don't like it?

Oh, no. It's, uh...

It's very nice. Very nice.

Well, we have some work to do,
fellas. Um...

You, uh...

You come up when you're, uh...

When you're ready, Joseph.
Hey, Pa--

When you are ready, understood?

Ms. Calamity, you do look nice.
Real pretty, as a matter of fact.

Thank you, Hoss.

Hoss.

Oh, yes, Pa.

Adam.

Hey, Pa, wha--?

What'd your pa mean?
Ready for what?

Oh, well, just, uh...

Uh, you see, we figured
that since Dec was in town

that you'd probably might like
to be closer to him.

That is just till you pullout.
Why?

Well, it's just like you said.

You've known each other for a long
time and, uh, Doc is so fond of you.

I know if I was the doc,
I'd really be jealous.

Would you, Little Joe? Would you?

Well, yeah, if I...

So, what I thought we'd do is,
in the morning,

we'd get up and get in a wagon
and I'd take you into town

and, uh, get you a real nice room
in the hotel.

I ain't going, Joe.

You ain't?
No.

How come?

I got a big fend for you.

You and me.
Yes, I do.

It's like I told Doc.

It's, like, heh, you told Doc, huh?

Mm-hm.

He said that him and me,
we got the devil on our coattail.

That we need each other.

Oh, you know, he has a point.
You know, you do.

No.

I don't need Doc, Little Joe.

I need you.
Me.

I said I thought you was just the man

to make me wanna settle down
and be a lady.

And, uh, you told that pan to Dec?

And you is.

I'm gonna stay right here

and take care of you and love you
and never, never leave.

Hey, Joe--

There's that Peeping Tom again.

No, ma'am. Not really.

Pa just wanted me to come back
and see if you was ready, Joe.

He's ready.

You go tell your Pa.

You tell him all about us.

Well, it looks like you handled that
real nice, Joe.

Oh, shut up.

Whiskey.

Wasn't very friendly.

It wasn't meant to be.

You've got until midnight tomorrow
to convince Jane

to quit playing at being a lady
and ride outwith me.

And at exactly
one second after midnight,

I'm gonna kill you, Mr. Cartwright.

Look, now, I've tried to be nice to you,
Mr. Holliday,

but you're pushing me
just a little bit too far now.

Now, whatever Calamity wants to do
with her life is her own business.

It's not mine and it's not yours.

And you may be older than me
and maybe a little quicker on the draw,

but I'm not backing down to you
or anybody like you.

They say I'm dying. That means...

...I haven't long to get things
I want out of life.

And I want that girl.

And you better see to it
that I get her.

You see,
when a man knows he's dying,

it just doesn't seem
to make much difference

whether it comes slow or fast.

And that gives me a terrible edge
over you, Mr. Cartwright.

Yeah, well,

we're gonna have a big ball here
Saturday night in town, a big dance.

And I've just now decided I'm gonna
ask Cal if she'd like to go to it with me.

So if you'd like to see her,
why don't you drop around?

I'll be there with Cal.

Oh, I...

Oh, I will, Mr. Cartwright.
You can depend on it. I will.

I'll be there at exactly
five minutes to midnight.

All right, Doc.

Any time you say.

What are you doing?

Uh--

I was just loosening up a bit.

Why?

There's no special reason,
it's just good for you to loosen up.

Hey, does Doc know you're taking me
to the ball tomorrow night?

Sure, he knows.

He ain't gonna like it.

What Doc likes doesn't concern me.

I see.

I guess a fella'd have to be
mighty fond of a girl

to get in a gunfight
because of it.

Wouldn't he, Little Joe?

Yeah, I suppose he would.

Especially if he was
getting into a gunfight

with someone like Doc Holliday.

I guess he'd have to be more than
just fond of her. He'd have to love her.

OthenNise,
it wouldn't make any sense.

Oh, Cal, there's lot of things
in this world that don't make sense,

but a man just goes ahead
and does them anyway.

You don't love me, do you, Joe?

I like you.

I like you a lot, Cal.

I see.

You know,
I ain't never been to a ball before.

Ain't nobody ever asked me.

In my whole life, this is the very first.

I'm beholden to you, Joe.

I'm mighty beholden.

But I ain't going.

What do you mean, you ain't going?

I just ain't going, that's all.

Oh, I don't belong at that ball

no more than a raw-bone plow horse
belongs in a show ring.

A lot of fancy frills and gewgaws
ain't gonna make a lady out of me,

not even for one night.

Besides, I ain't so sure
I wanna be one.

All scrunched up and tied together
like a trussed-up chicken.

Hey.

You look at me and say that
and then I'll believe you.

Joe, Doc will kill you for sure.

Oh, don't you worry about that.
That's my concern.

You're going to that ball,
and you're going with me.

But--
I don't wanna hear more about it.

I made up my mind.

I want you to get real prettied up
tomorrow night

and I want every man at that ball
to be jealous of me.

Oh, Joe, I am beholden to you,
awful beholden.

And you ain't gonna be sorry.
I'll promise you that.

You ain't gonna be.

Good morning,
may I be of service to you?

Morning, Babette.

I'm, uh, looking for one of them
little fur pieces

I've seen them fancy ladies wearing.

Mademoiselle is referring
to a choker.

Like this.
It is made of the finest of mink.

That varmint looks like
a cow-stomped squirrel, that ain't it.

Cow-stomped squirrel? Well, I will have
you know this is cow-stomped mink.

No, what I want it's bigger than that
and rounder and fatter and...

You are speaking of a cape.

Oh, Mademoiselle has, mwah,
excellent taste. Oh, la, la.

Ew!

What I want is-- Well, it's round
and it kind of looks like a coonskin cap

with the top shot out of it.

Ah--
And you can you put your ha--

There it is. That's one of them.
Oh.

Nice dance.

Looks like Little Joe's enjoying it.

Do you have to carry that polecat
while we're dancing?

Yep, feel plum naked without it.

Besides, it ain't no polecat, it's mink.

Yeah? Well, it looks like a polecat.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

By the way, it's customary
to check your gun at the door.

I, uh, won't be staying long.

Excuse me.

I don't recall your asking for
the pleasure of this dance, Dr. Holliday.

May I, Ms. Canary?

The pleasure's mine.

Joseph, don't you think you've dipped
into that bowl a little too often tonight?

No, I'm just thirsty, Pa.

Joe, it's getting late.

Ain't you about ready to give up?
Let's go home. Don't you wanna?

I guess he don't.

I've also noticed
that ever since you got here tonight

you've been looking at that clock
every five minutes.

Why?

Why? Uh, no reason,
just wanna know what time it is.

There something
you haven't told us?

No.

Joseph.

It's nothing I can't handle.

Joe.

You ain't fixing to have no trouble
with that Dr. Holliday, are you?

No. None, unless he starts some.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Nah, it's, heh, just that Doc Holliday
said that at one second after midnight

he was gonna kill me, heh, heh.

Now, look, son, you're gonna get
right on your horse right now

and ride for the Ponderosa.
I can't do that, Pa.

You're no match for him, son.
You're no match for him.

Now, do as I ask you. Ride for home.

Pa, I just can't do that.

By morning, everybody in Virginia City
would know

Doc Holliday faced me down.

That he chased me out of town,
sent me back to hide in the ranch.

Now, I just can't do that, Pa,
you gotta understand.

Adam, will you talk some sense
into your brother?

You talk to him, he's your son.

Hess?

Pa, I reckon Little Joe's
son of got himself into a pickle.

Ain't but one way out of it.

If you harm Little Joe,
Doc, you are gonna be sorry.

Awful sorry.

He's get exactly three minutes to live.
You see, Cal,

when a man has committed himself,
there is no other way he can go.

Ain't there, now, Doc, ain't there?

That's a mighty uncomfortable muff
you have there, Cal.

It ought to be.

There's a Colt .45
right in the middle of it.

You're joking.

You won't be laughing, Doc.

If you harm Little Joe,
I'm gonna blow you clean in two.

You can believe that.

Sorry, Cal, but it's too late.

I just can't back down.

And there isn't any other way.

You better try and find one.

You better search yourself
to find a way.

Nobody really wants to die, Doc.

Not even you.

Besides, you said we was alike,
that we needed each other.

Well, I think you're right.

And I'd hate like blue blazes

to have to plunk you out on Boot Hill
and ride on alone.

Think, Doc. Think.

Mr. Holliday. I'm Ben Cartwright.

Just a word of warning.

You're a known gunfighter, a killer.

I thought you should know
that if you hurt my boy,

I'll see that you're hung
from the highest tree in Virginia City.

And I've been in towns
all over the west, Mr. Cartwright,

and I can't begin to tell you how many
times I've listened to that promise.

But, as you can see,
nobody's hanged me yet.

You listen to me, doctor.

You touch my little brother

and the only way they'll ever hang you
will be piece by piece.

You gentleman ought to try this punch,
it's delicious.

Yeah, well, drink heady,

because it's gonna be hot and dry
where you're going.

I've known just where I'm going
for a long time, mister.

A day one way or the other
isn't gonna make that much difference.

Any time you say, Doc.

Get out of the way, Cal.

Count to three.

Ready.

One.

Two.

Sorry, Joe.

I guess maybe any differences
we have will just have to wait.

Come on, Cal. Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute.

Ms. Canary will leave when she's
good and ready and not until then.

It's all right, Joe.
No, no. It's not all right.

Not all right at all.

I promised you this evening,
and nothing's gonna spoil it.

Try to pull yourself together, Doc.

You need me, I'll be around.

Got nothing to worry about now, Cal.

See the way I backed him down?

You sure did, Little Joe.

Why, you got him running scareder
than a bee-stung jackrabbit.

You're all head and you're all guts.
Yeah.

I just gotta drink with a man like you.
Pour me one, will you?

I'd love to.

He's determined to get himself shot.
Yeah.

Well, we better get him out of here.

Yeah, before he gets shot
or gets drowned in that punch bowl.

Mm-hm.

Well, don't just stand there,
play something.

Hey, you, uh, enjoying yourself,
little brother?

Oh, having a heck of a time.

You see the way I backed him down?
I sure did.

Wasn't that beautiful?
I'm proud of you.

Good night.
Good night?

Yeah.

Awful nice knowing you, Little Joe.

Spider juice has a real kick to it.

Well, put him on his horse, boys.
I'll be right out.

Too bad, huh?

I never could cotton to fella
can't hold his liquor, heh.

I'll be riding on, Mr. Cartwright.

All right, Cal.

Then I'll be saying goodbye to you.

You know, Cal, you're right.

A fella can't hold his liquor
ain't nothing but a boy.

I wanna thank you
for giving my boy back to me.

Thank you, Mr. Cartwright,

for giving me the chance
of knowing him.

Mr. Holliday.

You ought to do something
about that cough.

Yeah, I ought to do something
about that.

You meant what you said
about you and me, Cal?

Sure, Doc.

We got a lot of places to go
and a lot of things to see.

We ain't hardly seen
any of them yet.

Doc, I'm thirstier than a bullfrog
on a hot skillet.

Will you fetch me a drink?

So long, Little Joe.

This has been a color presentation

of the NBC Television Network.