Original subtitles

Marco, thank you so much for coming.

I know you're under a lot of stress,

but I can't have you fighting with Elon, okay?

I need you to be my good little Marco.

Mr. Trump, if you think I'm going to stand here

and let you call me that, you're right.

Good boy.

We love to say Marco Rubio,

but unfortunately, I just made English the official language.

So now your name is Mark Ruby.

I accept that.

But what I don't accept is Elon having total access

to our government.

Planes are crashing, and he keeps trying to fire

air traffic controllers.

Well, Elon knows a lot about air travel. Okay?

He runs Space-x,

which is doing incredible things in terms of explosions.

And with regard to rocket debris.

Well, just because Elon is a

successful businessman doesn't mean he should run the country.

Yeah you're right.

We tried that in 2016 and it didn't work.

Trump 45. Not a great president.

But now we've got Trump 47.

I'm older, wiser and frankly older.

But Elon's been doing a good job with Doge.

And he gave me some great stuff

to talk about at state of the Union.

You know, they're spending $8 million on

making mice transgender.

Can you believe that?

Probably not, because it's not true.

But I said it and it got a big laugh.

And that is addictive.

But you're doing a great job, too, Marco.

Okay. You're doing great.

You're the goat.

You're the scapegoat. But it's

it's still a typo goat.

And that is an honor, sir.

But while Elon has been causing chaos, I've been working

behind the scenes, and I am very close to a deal

with the Panamanian government to retake the Panama Canal.

I don't want it anymore.

You know, it seems like a hassle.

What I'd really love is Thailand.

Okay?

Because I've been watching

White Lotus, and it looks beautiful, right?

How about the girl with the teeth?

I don't mind.

So, Thailand.

If I may, sir.

And this is very important.

America's foreign policy has a long, delicate history,

and we cannot afford to, So boring.

guy can't stop talking.

I mean, who the hell does he think he is?

Adrien Brody, we're looking guy.

He kind of looks like Waluigi.

We like to say Waluigi.

Wait a minute. What is this?

I'm thinking something and not saying it out loud.

Wow. This is a whole new thing.

This is crazy.

This could save me a lot of trouble.

I should do this more often.

I won't, but I should.

And maintain America's

standing in the global community back.

Well, let's get Elon in here so you guys can work things out.

Elon.

Man, it's me tech support.

Oh. Just kidding.

Elon,

I want to thank you for at least wearing a suit this time.

Does it look great? Right.

Billionaire but he shops a Joseph A Bank

It's it's giving groomsmen good one Donald.

Good one.

Glitch buffering.

Oh. I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.

Never going to get used to that.

Now look, I can't have you two at each other's throats, okay?

After all, I have a perfect record.

Everyone who's ever worked for me has left on good terms,

and then gone on to write

a book called The Man Who Ruined Everything.

So you two need to start acting like mature adults.

Okay, so let's begin with Marco Polo.

Now, Eli,

I'm trying to talk Marco Polo.

What is that?

What's this? What's this?

This? What's this?

Nobody knows.

Okay. It's this little dance we let him doing. All right?

It's his least unsettling trick. Oh.

I can't believe this is the guy you've given access to.

The entire government.

He's not an elected official.

I know you all, but what am I?

Going. Hey,

that's enough.

If you're going to insult each other, at least make them good.

Okay?

Something like, Elon, how do you have 20 kids?

But I've never seen you with a chick.

Just dudes named Donkey Dong and Boner King, you know?

And, Here, watch this.

Marco.

Short and gay classic.

But, Eli, you got to listen to me, okay?

Marco is a very important part of the team, and we all need to.

Phase one of my plan is complete.

Ingratiate yourself to the president

and take over the media.

But was taking this job a bad idea?

A lot of people seem to really hate me.

My Tesla stock is crashing in my personal net worth

just dropped by $100 billion.

And the security.

All right.

So headlines from the meeting

one America's doing bad guy now.

Two Marco, get your budget under control.

And three Elon and stay in your lane.

You're not the boss.

But I paid you $300 million, and that's why you're the boss.

So we'll get out of your office right after we say this.

Live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST LADY

GAGA!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- LADY

GAGA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you very much.

I'm so excited to be here.

I know you might be thinking I'm here to my promote

my album mayhem, but I'm actually here to remind you that

I'm an amazing actor.

Last time I hosted SNL, I was 27.

I'm 38 now, which is scientifically

the best age for a female pop star to be.

Honestly, the most pop stars are over 40.

Chappel Roan is 58,

Charli XCX is 75.

Tate McRae is my biological grandmother.

I'm so happy to be back at SNL.

The last time I hosted was in 2013, and

every aspect of my performance aged amazingly,

so there's no need to Google SNL.

2013 Lady Gaga featuring R Kelly.

We won|t

I won't bring it up because that would be bad.

Anyway, I'm an actor now.

And I

don't care about selecting films that would showcase my craft

as a serious actor film such as a joker 2

But apparently people thought it was awesome

looking.

And I even got nominated for a Razzie,

which is an award for the worst films of the year.

So we won

our worst On-Screen duo, but joke's on them.

I love winning things

and my Razzie brings me

one step closer to an Egort

It's like an EGOT but it's hurtful.

Tonight, I'm the host and the musical guest, which

went on to introduce me for music.

I asked Bowen to do it because

apparently he's a superfan, but I think I make him nervous.

Bowen

Are you happy I'm here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga.

A little early,

but great job and a.

Great big year.

I got engaged. Oh.

My my mom, set us up, and it's a true story.

My mom called me one day, and she goes,

I met your husband, and I said, what does he do?

And she said, he works in cancer research.

And while we were talking, I was literally smoking a cigaret.

And then we

went on three dates and I never smoked again,

except when I'm drunk.

In all seriousness,

I'm from New York City, so hosting

SNL is so special to me.

I respect everyone here so much.

So tonight I promise to act, to sing, and to not do.

Joker three

we got a great show for you tonight.

I'm here, so stick around and we'll be right back.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

Jeremy. You can still come.

I get my own room.

I could do this.

You can stay with me right in the middle of Paris.

No way.

The last thing you need is me dragging you down.

Let me guess.

Trust me.

Bailey and I will be fine.

Alicia, being a chef has always been your dream.

Now go get it.

But before you leave for

the airport, promise me just one thing.

Anything.

Never look back.

Never. Got it.

I love you, Jeremy.

I love you, too.

Now. Cool.

Okay.

And thanks for the ride of the luggage.

Alicia wait

Yeah.

I just wanted to say

I hope you have a delicious life.

Because you're.

Because you're a chef.

That's why I said that.

Have a delicious life.

Because you're a chef.

Yeah. Okay.

I'm sorry.

Go. He said go.

Never look back. Hey.

My god

What have I done?

I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Alicia! No!

Ha ha!

Go around

Hey, pretty lady.

Sweet ride you got there.

Thanks for you guys.

They call us the Sons of Samsonite.

We can run all over this great land.

For the past three years.

Yeah, from new Jersey.

All the way to New York.

Mama.

To the airport.

I'm going to culinary.

School in Paris.

It's my dream.

It's the cuisine I got.

You got great food.

So why so sad?

I'm just.

I have to leave somebody very special behind.

That's a shame.

Hey, can I say something, honey?

This fancy culinary school is all over the world.

But love go right.

Love is really something to think about.

But he said to never look back.

Alicia

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Oh, no.

Oh, by the power, I should have had a full charge.

Go around.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you beautiful son of a bitch.

Now, let's go get that girl.

I think she took a shortcut to the tunnel.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

I cannot let you go.

Why? I need to slow down.

Damn you!

Get off

Alicia!

Slow down!

I don't know.

Made it.

Where's my bag?

Oh. Right here.

Alicia,

you can't get on that plane.

You're right. I can't.

It took off over three hours ago.

Well, I'm glad you missed it,

because the next flight you take is going to be with me.

You mean it?

Absolutely.

We're going to Paris for perfect.

And. Jeremy. Yeah.

Let's have a delicious life. Oh,

Go Around!

>>> SO, PLEASE ENCOURAGE YOUR

PARENTS TO VOTE YES ON THE

REFERENDUM TO REPLACE THE SCHOOL

ROOF.

OKAY?

ONE LAST THING BEFORE CLASS.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, NEXT WEEK IS

THE ANNUAL ATLAS HIGH

WEIGHTLIFTING COMPETITION.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, IT DOESN'T

MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU

LOOK LIKE.

ANY ONE OF YOU HAS A CHANCE TO

WIN IT.

>> YEAH.

EXCEPT PIP.

HA HA HA!

>> THAT IS GOOD.

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

OBVIOUSLY PIP DOESN'T HAVE A

CHANCE.

* PIP YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU

WANT *

* YOU CAN SHINE BRIGHTER THAN

THE BIGGEST AND BRIGHTEST STAR *

* THE OTHER KIDS MAY LAUGH AT

YOU AND TREAT YOU LIKE A FOOL *

* BUT I BELIEVE YOU CAN WIN THE

WEIGHTLIFTING CONTEST OUT AT

SCHOOL *

* PIP DON'T CRY ALL YOU HAVE TO

DO IS TRY *

* YOU'VE GOT TO START OUT SMALL

PIP WITH JUST A LITTLE BIT OF

WEIGHT *

* TEST YOURSELF TO THE LIMIT

THAT'S HOW YOU GET FROM GOOD TO

GREAT *

* HIT A HEAVY BAG THAT'S JUST AN

OLD HOT DOG *

* NEVER USE STEROIDS GIVE A

MOUSE A COOKIE AND HE'LL GET

LAZY *

* GIVE A MOUSE A CHALLENGE HE'LL

WORK LIKE CRAZY *

* PIP I BELIEVE IN YOU IT'S TIME

TO SHOW THE WORLD WHAT YOU CAN

DO *

>> THIS IS IT.

STUDENTS OF ATLAS HIGH, START

YOUR MUSCLES!

200 POUNDS!

250 POUNDS!

500 POUNDS!

>> THAT'S MY HIGH SCHOOL

BOYFRIEND.

>> WELL, I THINK WE HAVE OUR

WINNER.

WAIT.

THERE'S ONE MORE NAME ON THE

LIST.

IT'S PIP.

PIP WILL BE STARTING AT 1 OUNCE.

>> HE'S GOING TO GO FROM 1 OUNCE

TO 500 POUNDS?

YEAH.

WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE ALL

FRIGGING DAY.

>> QUIET, BRAD.

HE LOOKS SERIOUS.

HE LOOKS SERIOUS.

>> 2 OUNCES.

>> HE COULDN'T LIFT 2 OUNCES!

>> STOP LAUGHING AT HIM!

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF

YOURSELVES.

HE'S BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU.

>> NOT BETTER AT LIFTING

WEIGHTS.

HA HA HA!

>> THE ROOF!

LOOK OUT!

>> COME ON, MEN!

>> IT'S CRUSHING ME!

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> NOT -- STRONG -- ENOUGH.

>> OH, MAN.

I THINK THE ROOF IS -- 2 OUNCES

TOO HEAVY.

>> SOMEBODY HELP!

OH, MY GOD, PIP.

>> EVERYBODY OUT, HURRY!

>> PIP.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

TRUTH IS -- MY DAD'S HARD ON ME,

SO I TOOK IT IT OUT ON PIP.

FROM NOW ON I PROMISE, I

NEVER --

>> IT JUST GOT TOO HEAVY, RIGHT,

PIP?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

RIGHT, PIP?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

No. Oh, you don't want this bottle, sir?

No. Okay.

So you're aware

since you ordered the bottle and I opened it,

you will still have to pay for it. Fine.

But I won't have my beautiful date drinking that swill.

Bring us a bottle of the Conti.

It's 1982.

Yes, sir.

A man of fine taste, I see. Yes.

In wine.

Niche anime

and women.

Oh, I love the song.

And dance with me to dance.

In the middle of the restaurant.

People will stare. Good.

I want everyone to see me dancing with the most beautiful.

Woman in the world.

It's late in the evening.

She's wondering what clothes to wear.

So I put on my make up

and I brush my long blond hair.

And then she asks me,

do I look all right?

And I say, yes.

You look wonderful tonight.

I'm Johnny Franco, by the way.

I don't think we told each other our names yet together.

And if you're hoping to get me in bed tonight,

you'll be disappointed.

Oh, you won't sleep with someone on the first date?

No, I'll sleep with you.

You'll just be disappointed because I'm not very good at it.

Why don't you let me be the judge of that?

And I will judge

and write to the detailed play by play on my Substack.

I'd expect nothing less.

It's later that evening,

and we're wasted in Times Square.

So I eat a full Big Mac

and I shave off my body hair.

And then she bites me and.

My nipples left and right.

And I say, bitch,

find out tonight.

Before this goes any further,

you should know my heart belongs to someone else. Oh.

What's his name?

Organ donor 2685.

Thank God for motorcycles, right?

Indeed.

You know, I work in medicine.

A doctor close.

I do the fastest claimers and medication ads.

Ask your doctor before starting

to send his topics into a mediocre experience.

If your diary lasted longer than six days.

Just like me falling for an actor.

I feel wonderful because I see.

The light in your eyes.

And the beauty of it all.

Is that you just don't realize.

Italians aren't white

Thank you for taking anything.

It's my pleasure.

And don't even think about paying.

I recently came into some money.

Oh, yes.

There were no tissues nearby. And.

I had to blast it somewhere.

So why did a lot of 20s.

Make sense to me?

I hope you're not one of those fly by night types.

Well, I am fly and bi. Who isn|t these days.

Shall we go to a party?

And everyone screams at me?

Cause it's a five year old's party.

and I|m smoking PCP

I eat the whole birthday cake.

While all the children cry.

I shout God damn, I feel wonderful tonight.

It's such a beautiful, beautiful song

for a beautiful woman.

Romani Country, 1982. Sir.

Perfect.

And how much is the bottle?

$28,000. Run!

Greta

And Elise, thank you so much for helping me do this.

Your support is wonderful.

Well, your father, Ricky, sounded like an incredible man.

And how amazing of a daughter

were you giving him such good care at the end?

Tina, we know the grieving process

has just begun, and it's hard to make these tough decisions.

But we're here for you. And we really mean it

when we say he's part of our family now. Oh.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

Thanks, guys.

So to start off for the funeral,

what kind of a vibe did you picture?

Vibe.

I guess I never thought of that.

Yeah, I'm sure it could be as simple

as a celebration of life.

Or the second one that comes to mind is like the Roaring 20s.

That sounds kind of weird for me.

I just don't want it to feel like a theme party.

Oh, it's not a.

Theme party, my dear.

It's just a subtle nod to the Roaring 20s.

Okay.

I guess if it's subtle. Yes.

It's subtle.

A few words from family members and, a burlesque

performance by Big Mama and the flapper girls. And.

You know, then we could obviously pass out

character cards, make it a murder mystery game

or something as simple as a celebration of life.

Yeah, a murder mystery parlor game would be very uncomfortable

for me. Especially

because my dad was murdered and it's still unsolved.

Okay. Yeah.

Why don't you guys just tell us

what you were envisioning, then?

Yeah, I was.

Thinking more like a slideshow of pictures.

And meaning. No, no.

I just

I immediately know that seems like the easiest thing to do.

Well, did they have HDMI

cables in the 1920s?

They didn|t

Okay.

You know this this just isn't right for us.

Well, wait.

Can I, like, dress up as Gatsby or whatever?

No. I'm leaving.

We are leaving. I'm sorry. No, please. Please, please.

We're sorry.

But I swear to you and to God.

And on my children's lives, the words Roaring 20s will not

pass through these lips again.

Okay, I guess I can give you guys a shot, then.

So, will you provide refreshments?

Hey, it wouldn't be a Roaring 20s party without moonshine.

We have a full service bartender, Jackson.

We made a specialty cocktail to honor your father.

It's called the gin.

R.I.P. Ricky.

No, but, seriously, I listened to the podcast

about your dad's unsolved murder.

And honestly, be careful who you trust

I didn|t kill her dad

If. And as God gets into the funeral,

the girl shall dance. Hit it.

Hiya.

Take a seat in a second.

Or it could be

as simple as a celebration of life.

Tina, would you make me the happiest man on earth?

This is not possible.

Time.

Congratulations.

No no no no no no.

I believe this place.

I'm leaving you. Hit it

Looks like I'm single now.

You know, that means I'm back on the market.

Dolls

Dance for me

L'Oreal

is the number one selling long lasting waterproof mascara.

The only.

Mascara that can stay on all day, never smudging or.

Smearing. It never runs. Ever.

But sometimes.

Don't you kind of want it, too?

You know, for attention.

So don't hide your feelings.

Flaunt them with L'Oreal Easy Run mascara.

Mascara smears all over your face.

Letting the world know.

Yes, I have been crying.

And no, I'm not okay.

Make a statement.

You walk in the room and that statement is.

Oh. Don't stand out with lashes so bold and a face so staind

You have everyone asking. Have you talked to Melissa?

It seems like something's really wrong.

Hey, sorry about the promotion.

It's okay.

I'll get them next time.

L'Oreal easy run runs easy.

Thanks to a unique, scientifically

proven formula of just being. Really, really low.

Quality mascara and also a little printer ink.

This mascara is the perfect way to say no.

You guys go ahead. I'll be fine.

You know how much my art show meant to me.

Don't worry about me.

This is about you.

Happy birthday.

Present day occasion.

An occasion that's all about you.

Like a funerals for everybody.

Why should the widow get all the attention?

And if you really want to go full.

Nuclear, start laughing too. I.

So this year, be you.

Be bold. Be messy.

Be a complete

and total mess with L'Oreal because you're worth it.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LADY

GAGA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* PAY THE TOLL

TO THE ANGELS

DRAWIN' CIRCLES

IN THE CLOUDS *

* KEEP YOUR MIND

ON THE DISTANCE

WHEN THE DEVIL

TURNS AROUND *

* HOLD ME

IN YOUR HEART TONIGHT

IN THE MAGIC

OF THE DARK MOONLIGHT *

* SAVE ME FROM

THIS EMPTY FIGHT

IN THE GAME OF LIFE *

* LIKE A POEM SAID

BY A LADY IN RED

YOU HEAR THE LAST FEW WORDS

OF YOUR LIFE *

* WITH A HAUNTING DANCE

NOW YOU'RE BOTH IN A TRANCE

IT'S TIME TO CAST

YOUR SPELL ON THE NIGHT *

* ABRACADABRA AMOR-OO-NA-NA

ABRACADABRA MORTA-OO-GA-GA

ABRACADABRA ABRA-OO-NA-NA *

* IN HER TONGUE SHE SAID

DEATH OR LOVE TONIGHT *

* ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA

ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA *

* FEEL THE BEAT

UNDER YOUR FEET

THE FLOOR'S ON FIRE

ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA *

* CHOOSE THE ROAD

ON THE WEST SIDE

AS THE DUST FLIES

WATCH IT BURN *

* DON'T WASTE TIME

ON A FEELIN'

USE YOUR PASSION

NO RETURN *

* HOLD ME

IN YOUR HEART TONIGHT

IN THE MAGIC

OF THE DARK MOONLIGHT *

* SAVE ME FROM

THIS EMPTY FIGHT

IN THE GAME OF LIFE *

* LIKE A POEM SAID

BY A LADY IN RED

YOU HEAR THE LAST FEW WORDS OF

YOUR LIFE *

* WITH A HAUNTING DANCE

NOW YOU'RE BOTH IN A TRANCE

IT'S TIME TO CAST

YOUR SPELL ON THE NIGHT *

* ABRACADABRA AMOR-OO-NA-NA

ABRACADABRA MORTA-OO-GA-GA

ABRACADABRA ABRA-OO-NA-NA *

* IN HER TONGUE SHE SAID

DEATH OR LOVE TONIGHT *

* ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA

ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA *

* FEEL THE BEAT

UNDER YOUR FEET

THE FLOOR'S ON FIRE

ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA *

* PHANTOM OF THE DANCE FLOOR

COME TO ME

SING FOR ME

A SINFUL MELODY *

* AH-AH-AH AH-AH

AH-AH-AH AH AH

AH-AH-AH AH-AH

AH-AH-AH AH AHH *

* ABRACADABRA AMOR-OO-NA-NA

ABRACADABRA MORTA-OO-GA-GA

ABRACADABRA ABRA-OO-NA-NA *

* IN HER TONGUE SHE SAID

DEATH OR LOVE TONIGHT **

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Good evening everyone.

I'm Michael Che Colin Jost.

Well, tomorrow marks the

start of daylight Savings time when we set our clocks ahead.

Ideally four years.

After President Trump spent last week

defending our historical best friend, Russia.

Trump returned this week to attacking our sworn

enemy, Canada.

That's right.

Those sirup guzzling, poutine munching,

moose humping hockey sluts

have taken advantage of us for too long.

Even right here at SNL, American sketch comedy

jobs are being stolen by filthy Canadians.

President Trump addressed a joint session

of Congress and claimed

that no president has changed government faster than him.

Yeah, and nobody changed

airport security faster than bin laden.

President Trump also said that he signed

an executive order to ban men from playing in women's sports.

But if men aren't allowed

to play women's sports, explain soccer.

A lot of

soccer fans at the Gaga show, okay.

Education Secretary and WWE co-founder Linda McMahon.

Who's the one on the right? Oh.

Said that closing the Department

of Education would not hurt students.

And actually, test scores might go up, maybe

even as high as 69.

After imposing tariffs on Mexico and Canada

on Tuesday, President Trump reversed them on Thursday.

It's a cunning political tactic experts call bi polar disorder.

President Trump said the tariff on goods from Canada

is to stop the flow of fentanyl,

even though last year only 40 pounds of the drug was seized

at the northern border. 40 pounds.

What's that like?

Two butt fulls?

For two butts

I thought it was smart.

Did experts say that President Trump's tariffs

will raise the cost of a new car by as much as $12,000?

Or you can get a free Tesla.

Since people are throwing them away.

Speaking of which,

Tesla CEO and white Kanye Elon

Musk.

Wore who?

Wore a suit instead of a jacket and t shirt to this week's

cabinet meeting after President Trump made fun of his clothing.

It's a refreshing reminder that bullying still works.

On Thursday, Elon Musk's SpaceX

Starship exploded just minutes into its mission,

which is how you ended up with all those kids.

Over.

It was reported.

That the leaders of Great Britain and France

have been coaching

Zelenskyy on how to deal with President Trump.

Kind of like how you need extra

training to be a special ed teacher.

And this is exciting.

Donald Trump Jr is reportedly considering a run for president

in 2028 this year.

And if you don't think he could win,

you clearly aren't familiar with how things work here in hell.

The NBA season is heating up

now that we're a month away from the playoffs.

Here to discuss is NBA champion and ESPN commentator

and always outspoken Kendrick Perkins.

Oh well it's good.

Hey. How you doing, Michael?

I like the jacket, man.

You look like your mama dressed.

You have to go apologize to the vice principal.

Let's talk some NBA.

So the craziest news of the season is the Dallas

Mavericks took

one of the league's

best players, Luka Doncic, and traded him to the Lakers.

Why did they do that?

Oh, nothing.

There's a lot of questions about this whole trade, but

folks on the inside know Luka Dukie is hurt.

Okay, now I'm hearing rumors

that he got a small tear in his interior quotations.

Uterus.

I ain't no doctor, but by my estimations,

I believe he's going to be dead by April 1st.

Why would you say that?

Look, I just be saying things, Michael.

You know Steve Smith, he just got $100 million

to go to ESPN every day and talk nothing but nod sense.

I want a piece of that, too.

All right, I got to say, he's being like, oh, Larry

Bird was created by scientists in the back of a Cracker Barrel.

I don't think that's right, man.

Maybe not, but

you got to admit, man, I know the game.

I'll be watching, like, 4 or 5 hours a tape every night

before I take my beard off and go to sleep.

All right, well, let's talk about the MVP race.

So you got.

What you could call now, the legendary LeBron James, a man

who, despite being 55 years old, just won the tour de France.

Where are you getting this from?

Nobody knows.

But it's amazing

how LeBron is still able to play every night.

He's 62 years old.

You you just said he's 55. No.

That's my point.

Hold on. Is 71 years old.

He has one arm.

12 kids.

One of them is black. No,

he works undercover as a French super spy.

The name is LeBron James.

LeBron.

James.

James is the broad man who,

mark my words, Luka and LeBron are the best

black and white duo since them Jewish cookies.

I don't even know where to start, man.

All I'm saying is the man is old.

Okay.

Hey, I'm LeBron and I have the same exact age.

And let me tell you something.

Getting old ain't pretty.

Michael, you ever sneeze so hard or till you pop out your nose?

No. You should try it.

That's why I sound like this.

You know, I wasn't going to bring this up,

but Charles Barkley called you an idiot this week.

Do not get me started on that, Charles Barkley.

He makes me so mad.

You know what?

I'm sorry.

I feel a little hot right now.

Is not even real.

Hey, I've already told you that, Michael.

I'm crazy, man.

Hey, look, I look like Daffy Duck

when he shoots his big golf.

Go to hell, old man.

Scientists hoping to revive the extinct

wooly mammoths have taken a first step

by genetically engineering a long haired wooly mouse.

Now it's on to step two.

Getting a drunken huff to have sex with an elephant.

The makers of Sesame Street announced

that they are laying off more than 200 employees.

The layoffs were first reported by this sign.

It's hard out there.

Sorry to hear.

In honor of Women's History Month, Mattel is releasing

a line of Barbie dolls that celebrates female friendships.

And maybe they're such good friends that they kiss.

Amazon Prime has launched a new tool that will use

AI to dub movies into English from foreign languages

like Spanish, Korean, and Sylvester Stallone.

New research suggests that men with stronger

sperm may live longer than men with weaker sperm.

So you know what that means.

Dick Van Dyke busts rockets.

For an Australian man who is credited with saving more

than 2 million babies by repeatedly donating

his blood, has died at the age of 88.

Doctors pronounced him dead when they heard this sound.

So gross.

Hey, you like that?

A fired Starbucks manager is suing the company,

claiming he faced egregious discrimination

from gay coworkers for being heterosexual,

while his gay coworkers said he should sue Old Navy

for selling him those frumpy ass chinos.

Plastic surgeons are saying that a growing number of women

are having labia puffs, surgery on their vaginas.

And fun fact, labia puffs was also the original name

for Honey Smacks.

Women's history month.

Well.

Tonight's host and musical guest,

as you know, is, of course, Lady Gaga here to lend his support.

Making a rare public appearance is Lady Gaga, whose husband,

Lord Gaga.

Thank you.

Calling her splendid.

Did my wife not during her song.

Oh, I wish she dressed like that on the estate.

Oh, wow.

This is wild.

You know, I had no idea there was a Lord Gaga.

Of course there is.

How do you think she became a lady?

She married a lord.

That's how she became a Gaga.

Whereas I was simply born this way.

Great.

Well, why haven't we ever seen you with her?

Well, I'm terribly

busy with business running the Gaga textile empire.

And truthfully, I don't want to overshadow my wife.

I really don't think that you would.

You must be very proud of all her accomplishments.

Well, I'm glad she has a hobby. I'm.

I think it's more than a hobby, but she's

one of the best selling musicians of all time.

Is she now?

Oh, they like her.

Well, good for her.

You didn't know that? No.

I'm terribly busy with business, but we're very happy.

It certainly not a bad romance.

Okay, I guess I'm curious.

How did you two meet?

She was playing piano at a debutante ball.

You know, a teenage girls

are presented to their father's widowed friends to marry.

You've been to those?

I guess you have.

Not yet.

You say you haven't called, so.

Well, that.

Year's offerings were subpar, but the dazzling girl

behind the piano caught my eye.

So I made her my wife.

And now we have seven gorgeous children.

You have seven kids?

Yes. Seven little monsters.

Colin again.

Thank you

for indulging my wife's hobby and letting her sing

on your little talent show.

Okay, I actually think she's indulging us.

Your wife is very successful, sir.

She has 14 Grammys and an Oscar.

Does she?

Oh, what a feather in her cap.

If only it all paid a.

I think it does.

I think it actually pays a lot.

Well, it certainly can't be more than what textiles bring in.

Or can you imagine, Colin, a man

whose wife makes more money than he.

Can you imagine?

Oh, the shame

Imagine, Colin, if I was sitting here

on television behind this

desk, staring at that camera,

staring back at me, knowing

that my wife's income dwarfs my own

God. Oh, Oh

I've a living nightmare.

Nightmare.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, now tell me, what does your wife do.

Are you married For Weekend Update?

I|m Colin Jost

I|m Michael Che Goodnight!

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A FRIENDLY'S

SINCE I WAS A KID.

>> I KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

FRIENDLY' WAS STILL IN BUSINESS.

>> ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

THEY HAVE 100 LOCATIONS

THROUGHOUT THE EAST COAST.

>> PLEASE DON'T CALL ME AN

IDIOT.

>> DON'T BE ONE.

YOU KNOW.

>> AND OH, IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S

SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY.

REMEMBER HOW THEY ALWAYS DO THE

BIRTHDAY SONG?

* FRIENDLY'S HAS A BIRTHDAY SONG

FRIENDLY'S HAS A BIRTHDAY SONG *

* IT'S NOT TOO SHORT AND NOT TOO

LONG *

* IT'S NOT TOO SHORT AND NOT TOO

LONG *

* SOUND OFF HAPPY SOUND OFF

BIRTHDAY *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU POST.

>> THAT IS SO FUN.

>> GUESS WHAT, I TOLD HER IT WAS

YOUR BIRTHDAY, JENNY.

>> ME?

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

ARE YOU AN IDIOT TOO?

I TOLD THEM IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

SO WE CAN GET THE SONG AND THE

FREE SUNDAE.

>> I DON'T KNOW, IT FEELS REALLY

WRONG TO LIE AT FRIENDLY'S.

>> OH, IT'S FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, GET IN

TROUBLE?

>> HELLO.

>> WE UNDERSTAND THAT SOMEBODY

HAS A BIRTHDAY AT THIS TABLE.

>> YEAH, IT'S HER.

IT'S JENNY'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE'S TURNING 50.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> I'M KIDDING.

IT'S HER REAL BIRTHDAY FOR REAL,

RIGHT, JENNY?

>> YEAH.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

>> AND YOU SWEAR IT?

>> SWEAR IT?

>> YOU SWEAR TO ALL THE GODS IN

ALL THE HEAVENS THAT THIS DAY,

THE 8th OF MARCH, THIS IS INDEED

YOUR TRUE BIRTHDAY?

>> GUYS, I DON'T LIKE THIS.

>> RELAX, JENNY, IT IS YOUR

BIRTHDAY.

SO JUST SWEAR IT.

>> DO -- YOU -- SWEAR?

>> FINE -- I -- SWEAR.

>> VERY WELL.

YOUR PATH IS FIXED.

>> YOU HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO

SPEAK THE TRUTH.

WE AT FRIENDLY'S WOULD LIKE TO

SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY --

>> TO THE LIAR!

>> UH, WHAT THE HELL IS

HAPPENING?

>> I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE

LIED.

>> OKAY, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW

YOU'RE LYING?

IT'S PROBABLY JUST UNRELATED

TRIBAL DRUMMING AND A LIVE SING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, THE

WAITERS, THEY KNOW!

>> WHEN YOU LIE ABOUT A BIRTHDAY

AT FRIENDLY'S, YOU MUST PAY THE

ULTIMATE PRICE.

>> SIN, SIN, SIN, SIN!

[ CHANTING ]

>> BEHOLD THE DEVIL!

BEHOLD LAMASHTU!

>> LAMASHTU!

LA MASHTU HAS SEEN THROUGH YOU!

>> GREAT, NOW THEY'VE SUMMONED

LAMASHTU.

>> DRINK, DRINK OF THE BLOOD OF

LAMASHTU.

>> GUYS?

>> JUST DRINK THE BLOOD, JENNY.

IT'S FREE, RELAX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!

>> NOW YOU ARE REBAPTIZED BY THE

MOTHER OF BEASTS.

THE MISTRESS OF INSANITY.

THE MAGICIAN PAZUZU CANNOT SAVE

YOU NOW, NEITHER THE DEMON DOG!

>> HOW DO THEY EVEN TRACK IF

IT'S SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY?

>> WE SEND SOMEONE TO THE

HOSPITAL AND WITH OVER 100

LOCATIONS ON THE EAST COAST,

IT'S NOT HARD.

>> IS THERE A RESTROOM?

>> SURE.

BACK THERE AND TO THE LEFT.

>> OKAY, WELL, AT LEAST THE

BLOOD OF LAMASHTU DIDN'T AWAKE

ANYONE.

>> THE BLOOD OF LAMASHTU AWAKENS

MOLARUM!

COME, BASHNEAGLE, COME WITH

MOLARUM!

>> YOU GUYS, YOU CAN'T JUST LET

MOLARUM LEAD ME AWAY!

>> IT'S FRIENDLY'S, JENNY, BE

FRIENDLY.

>> BRING ME THE CAGE!

[ CHANTING ]

>> AT FRIENDLY'S, YOU HAVE

BETRAYED LAMASHTU.

YOU HAVE BETRAYED KALIMA.

>> YOU GUYS, HELP ME!

>> I WOULD, BUT I KIND OF WANT

TO SEE WHERE THIS GOES.

>> KALIMA, KALIMA!

>> GUYS, HE RIPPED MY HEART OUT

OF MY CHEST!

>> YOU ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO MAKE

EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

>> NOW WE WILL EAT THE REST OF

YOUR FRIEND.

BUT HER HEART -- IS ON THE

HOUSE.

>> OH, LOOK, THEY PUT AN ICE

CREAM CONE ON JENNY'S HEART.

THEY ARE FRIENDLY.

YAY!

>>> ONCE AGAIN, LADY GAGA!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* STANDIN' ON THE CORNER

SMOKIN' THAT GRASS

AND THE BOYS

ALL PASS ME BY *

* TALKIN' SOME SMACK

WITH YOUR HAND ON MY ASS

I'M A MURDERER IN DISGUISE *

* YEAH YOU WANNA BE COOL

BUT YOU'RE MAKIN' ME MAD

BITE MY LIP

IT STARTS TO BLEED *

* YEAH IT TASTES SO GOOD

BUT IT GOTTA BE BAD

IF I'M GONNA GET YOU HOME *

* GONNA MAKE

THE CURTAINS SCREAM

BELIEVE IT *

* GONNA MAKE THE CEILIN'

SHAKE FOR ME

I'MA BE YOUR FULL-TIME

BEDROOM DEMON *

* I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SCREAM

THAT'S A MATTER OF FACT

I'LL BE YOUR FANTASY *

* I'M A KILLAH

AND BOY

YOU'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT *

* OH KILLAH KILLAH

KILLAH KILLAH *

* I'M A KILLAH

AND BOY

YOU'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT *

* OH KILLAH KILLAH

KILLAH KILLAH

KILLAH *

* LIGHTIN' UP

MY FINAL CIGARETTE

I'LL BURN A HOLE

RIGHT THROUGH YOUR EYES *

* LOOKIN' AT YOU

LIKE A ZOMBIE KILLER

HUNGRY FOR A HOMICIDE *

* IF I GET YOU ALONE

UNDER YOUR SKIN AND BONE

I'MA TRY YOU ON FOR SIZE *

* I'M 'BOUT TO WEAR YOU OUT

LIKE MY FAVORITE SUIT

WOOLS PARALYZED *

* GONNA MAKE

THE CURTAINS CREAM

BELIEVE IT *

* GONNA MAKE THE CEILING

SHAKE FOR ME

I'MA BE A FULL-TIME

BEDROOM DEMON *

* I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SCREAM

THAT'S A MATTER OF FACT

I'LL BE YOUR FANTASY *

* I'M A KILLAH

AND BOY

YOU'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT *

* OH KILLAH KILLAH

KILLAH KILLAH *

* I'M A KILLAH

AND BOY

YOU'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT *

* OH KILLAH KILLAH

KILLAH KILLAH

KILLAH *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* I'M A KILLAH

AND BOY

YOU'RE GONNA DIE TONIGHT *

* KILLAH **

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Are you a woman who owns a bookstore

or teaches books, or is in several book clubs?

You're getting older, but you still want to have fun.

I want my style to match how I am on the inside.

Spunky and a little bit funky.

I want people to see me and think she's got it going on.

I'm no spring chicken, but this hen still knows how to cluck.

That's why we wear little red lipstick.

They're the only glasses, I say.

I teach philosophy of dance, and I eat tapas every night.

Come on, we're getting tapas.

Let's go.

Little red glass is a fashionable, fun and sexy.

Just kidding.

But they do magnify text.

I need these babies.

I got African drumming tonight, and I got to see my congas.

I gotta be able to read because every morning

I read The Kite Runner in full on the toilet.

Little red glasses.

They have the zest in the orange.

This is a haiku.

Come on, we're getting tall.

Guys, let's get in the car. Let's go.

Quick, little red glasses.

Are we 15 or 25?

The answer is 57.

They are for women with names like fancy, Tennessee and my.

Here's right now.

How red are my glasses?

I have a Celestial Seasonings credit card.

And how little are they?

I'm the most uptight Buddhist you've ever met in your life.

I'll read up my fashions.

I like my peanut butter.

Like I like my scarves.

Homemade, chunky and terrible.

And how little over.

I once went down on Leonard Cohen.

We we all this.

Little red glasses have the eye catching

qualities of a stop sign,

and they pair perfectly with things that make me. Me.

Like if I'm in the sauna, you know, you see it.

Everything.

All my dress up clothes are a little bit

Asian.

Every three weeks I go to Pompei.

I was ahead of the curve on gay marriage.

And that's where it stopped.

Come on, we're getting Ethiopian.

Everybody wash your hands. Let's go. Come,

but don't just take it from us.

Ask your celebrity spokeswoman.

Great British Baking Show judge.

Probably. Hello.

I have not been disappointed in cake.

I'm wearing little red glasses. And you can too.

They come in all sorts of styles, like outdoorsy indoors.

The mum from Bob's Burgers,

Professor Trelawney

and Chuck Schumer.

Now he's the tender sponge.

Are you wondering if little red glasses are right for you?

Then ask yourself this.

Do you love dancing at a wedding with your shoes off?

Do you send your food back every time?

Is your profession very bad?

Therapist.

So. Yes. Scales.

I have a confession.

I don't even need glasses.

I'm destroying my eyes.

But I love the look. See?

All right, come on.

We're going on a riverboat cruise in China. Let's go.

>>> HEY, EVERYONE.

HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR MEAL.

SINCE YOU'RE MY FAVORITE TABLE,

MIMOSAS ARE ON THE HOUSE.

>> OH, SLAY, THANK YOU!

>> THIS WHOLE PLACE IS SUCH A

SLAY.

HOW ARE YOUR EGGS, ROSA?

>>> THEY'RE ACTUALLY A SLAY.

>> THESE MIMOSAS ARE BLOWING

SLAY SHOTS AND VOMITING INTO THE

MOTHER BAG.

>> RIGHT!

>> THAT'S ENOUGH, YOU GUYS.

>> YEAH, CAN WE NOT?

>> WHAT, NO, XANDER, PIA, ARE

YOU GUYS OKAY?

WHY AREN'T YOU QUEENING OUT WITH

US?

>> I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS

SOMETHING.

SO IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE TO

SING IT TO YOU.

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> YOU'RE SCARING US, I'M KIND

OF GAG.

* YOU CAN'T JUST REPEAT ONE WORD

WHEN THERE'S SO MANY MORE TO

USE *

* SO WE'VE MADE A BIG DECISION

FOR ALL OF US AND YOU *

* NO MORE SLAY NO 94 SLAY *

* WE KNOW IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE

BUT THERE'S OTHER WORDS TO SAY *

* FROM NOW ON WHEN SOMETHING

ROCKS WE'LL JUST SAY WOW I LIKE

THAT *

* AND THEN WE'LL STOP *

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHAT?

NO MORE SLAY?

BUT WHAT IF A WOMAN WE LOVE IS

WEARING AN OUTFIT THAT'S

AMAZING?

>> GREAT QUESTION.

WE'LL JUST SAY, "HEATHER, YOUR

DRESS LOOKS NICE."

>> "IT'S BLUE AND I LIKE THAT,

GOOD-BYE, HEATHER."

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT US TO

SAY?

>> THAT'S RIDICULOUS, BUT YOUR

SOUL WAS KIND OF A BUST.

>> THANKS, BUT ALSO --

* NO MORE BUST NO MORE FLEX *

* NO MORE FLINGING THE MUD ON

THE TOILET NO MORE FEET ON

PEOPLE'S NECKS *

* I'M CONFUSED THAT LIVING MEANS

THE SAME THING AS DEATH *

* JUST SAY GOOD OR BAD INSTEAD *

* AND NO MORE REHEATING NACHOS

THAT'S ONE'S ACTUALLY NEW *

* NIP IT IN THE BUD BEFORE THE

ENDLESSNESS *

* ON THE DAY THE WORLD ENDS WE

DON'T WANT THE LAST THING THAT

YOU SAY *

* TO BE, THIS IS NOT A SLAY *

>> BUT PEOPLE LOVE SLAY.

IT'S COOL.

>> IF IT WERE COOL, IT WOULDN'T

BE ON AN OLIPOP CAN.

>> BUT WAIT.

I WANT THINGS SLAY.

I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE THE WAY I

TALK.

AM I DELULU?

>> LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

* NO YOU'RE NOT DELULU YOU'RE

ACTUALLY 32 *

* YOU'RE A STRAIGHT WHITE WOMAN

WHO'S HONESTLY 42 PLUS 2 *

* YOU'RE 44 GIRL *

>> I THINK I SEE WHAT YOU TWO

MEAN.

THE OTHER DAY MY THERAPIST ASKED

ME HOW I WAS DOING, AND ALL I

COULD THINK TO SAY WAS VIVA

DOWN.

>> I GOT HIT BY A CAR AND THE

FIRST THING I SAID WAS NOT ME

GETTING HIT BY A CAR.

>> I SAW A BILLBOARD TODAY FOR

CHIPS AHOY! THAT SAID, WE AIN'T

NO CRUMBS.

YOU'RE A COOKIE, THERE IS

CRUMBS.

>> I NAMED MY SON MOTHER.

>> SEE?

COME ON.

>> COME ON, EVERYBODY.

* NO MORE SLAY NO MORE SLAY *

* THAT'S NOT OOMFIE SIS OR HUNTY

IT'S JUST ANOTHER GAY GUY *

* NO MORE SLAY NO MORE SLAY *

* WE STOLE WORDS FROM OTHER

PEOPLE AND WE'RE GIVING THEM

BACK TODAY *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANKS TO MIKE MYERS, THANKS

TO THE ENTIRE CAST FOR MAKING ME

FEEL LIKE SUCH A PART OF THIS

COMMUNITY.

EVERYONE WAS SO KIND ALL WEEK.

THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU, GOOD NIGHT!